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Dear Pooh,
It's so wonderful that you are helping DS and DIL out like you are.  Two adult women in a home is no easy task.
It sounds to me like maybe she feels like a guest in your home and is uncomfortable asking, or buying or just delving into your kitchen.  I would just come right out and ask her.  Maybe the family could sit down and divvy up some household chores. 
You could ask her mother what some of her likes are, if she knows what she likes to do.  Scrap booking, sports, things like that. Her favorite food.
I just wonder if she simply needs a little prodding.
Good Luck and Bless You.

Is it obvious to anyone other then me that it seems to be DS/DIL VS MIL or  DM VS DD.  Are men slightly oblivious to the situations, do they let things slide easier then we women? 
It may just be that this is a WW = women forum.  But in my case DH, while very loving and supportive, seems to not notice, or gets over things so easily.
My own DF says "I don't want to hear about it"
Why can't we be more like men?  Why do we have to take things to heart, even if it is a tiny comment about the weather. 
DF always has to be right....you cannot contradict him, ever.  I love him and let it slide.  He is older then I and I have respect for him and the way he has lived his life.
MIL has worked just as hard as DF, but she is "snippy" to me and her other DIL.  We, of course cannot do anything right for her sons.  Do I just interpret her wrong?

*sigh*  I wish I were a man.....lol not in a million years.

Quote from: Scoop on July 24, 2012, 09:53:15 AM
To me, this is the same as what I've done with my MIL.  I've pulled way back, in the realization that I can't just 'get along' with her.  No amount of discussion will make my MIL realize how I feel like I've been treated for the past 15 years.  She would not 'get it', she would mis-remember things that were said that hurt me deeply.  I think the chasm is just too wide for us.

Scoop, I could have written that with 20 years!

Grammie,
I feel your pain and I am so sorry you have to go through all of this.
I read your last post a few times and one thing kept striking me.  You said the OS/DIL asked you to care for GC while they went on vacation, and a month later they decided you had changed.  Is it possible something happened during the 5 days you had GC, something they might not have agreed with, or approved of?  Could GC have said something to their parents that was misconstrued?

I just wonder if this were the case, could it be resolved?

Reba...
Yeah.....ummmmm   no.   I am sorry, I just had to get a point across. 
Sad as it is for GM's, we are not the ones who make the rules where are GC are concerned.  If your DM had "put her foot down" when you were a new mother, about anything, would you have stood for it and allowed her whatever she wanted?  Or would you have put a stop to it?
I am not saying what you are asking is not reasonable, but when a person in an already strained relationship with you is pushed against the wall, claws will come out.  In the end you will loose.
They have the right to do whatever they choose with their own children, even if it does not seem fair.
(((hugs)))

Pooh,
I had to find out from others, and through face book, that my DD and DIL were pregnant.  DIL this last time, and DD the last two times.  I got a text after this last one was born, but not until I saw it on face book.  My own DM had to fill me in on the births, time, weight etc.  When DS texted me after a (what I thought was nice) comment on FB about how cute baby was in pink, then I got a ridiculous amount of nasty texts, about how pitiful I was.  It wasn't meant to be malicious, but DIL had said she wanted no pink for her baby girl.  (She is a tomboy)

In the past they have felt compelled to make judgmental comments to me on FB and in person, but should I say anything in the least bit out of line, I am the worst mother MIL ever.

He could not even "break up" with me over the phone....is that cowardly?  Or is it just the way people are now?

I always thought I kept up to date on the way people were, technology, etc., but now I feel like a dinosaur.   I think if anything should come up again...I'm going to have on my "WWU big girl panties" and let myself be heard. 

I think I am the odd guy out, here.

I think he deserves to know that he may have an illness, but I would not let him know my suspicions until I get him into a counselor.

Could you work up a contract that you seek family counseling?  It could be as a precursor to, or a condition of moving in.   

I have a feeling if you were to do that, a good counselor would recognize and let you know if he has a mental condition that requires further treatment.

If he truly has a mental illness, he will need your support, and perhaps help, if it is bad enough.  The problem is, if he is diagnosed with anything and medication can help, it can take years before the right medication or combination is found.  It's not like the Dr says, "Oh you have an ear infection, I'll give you antibiotics."  And counseling also can take a long time to help. 

Please do not give up on him yet, we see too many homeless, mentally ill people on our streets in the US, because they do not get the right treatment.

Quote from: Keys Girl on July 21, 2012, 04:19:12 PM

Anderson Cooper recently talked about the suicide of his brother and how some people who he expected would be supportive afterward were not and others who he didn't have any expectations of, were.  He referred to it as the people in the lifeboat with him, some expected, and some surprisingly supportive.

So HAPPY to be in a lifeboat with so many wonderful WW   

I was desperate, also, when I googled "My Adult Children Hate Me."  I found this link, it wasn't such a very long ago for me.
Today, I have no contact with the two of my AC, I have been able to live day to day.  Was at, ummm, I would say a 2 now I waffle, from 4-7.  I have some good days, I laugh with my YS and DH.  I have bad moments, where I tear up and want to curl into a ball. 

Coming here, I have found strength and comfort in times of need.  WWU is kind of like medication, if you take it before the pain starts, you can keep it at bey.
I didn't stop in for a few days, and found they were not as good as days when I visited.
Now I am going to try to "check in" daily.

Thank You WWU women!

Sparrowlove, welcome, you will find love and support here.

Try to live your life for yourself and the two children who still rely on you.  You AS may come around, he may not. 

We have to let our children make their own mistakes, all we can do is be there to lift them up when they fall.  Maybe you just need to let him live his life, with DIL,  be there to support him, when he needs it, but until then you really should not intervene.

I have told all of my babies, since they were very young, "You cannot change how others feel about you, all you can do is change the way you react to the way they treat you."

I have a few things from GM, and DM. I cherish them.  Maybe once they grow older....they will wish they had some of the things, but not many have room for things from their GP, DP, their own and their DC.   Imagine if we kept all of our children's baby items, toy, clothes, etc.  then our parents had all of theirs, GP had theirs......I am sure the Storage industry would explode!  lol

I have a doll baby that was my mothers, she is the kind with rubber face, hands and feet, and over the years that has gotten gooey, she is pretty dirty and I keep her on my dresser.  I have tried to clean her with no luck.  Everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone who sees her says how scary she is!

I also have a TV lamp of a sailboat from GM, I kept out on a Barrister and several years ago the foster kids were playing and knocked it off    It broke, but not irreparable.  The kids I let slide, but behind closed doors, I cried to my DH. (tearing up now thinking about it) I keep it in the china cabinet now. It is the one thing that reminds me of GP, because I saw it every time I visited.

I know these will probably be sold along with everything else I have when I pass.  I still hope that my AC will find something that means a lot to them, to keep. 

Maybe we could have a thread of "The things we cherish from the past"?
 

LOVE the ring!  And I love the meaning behind the stones.  I am going to get one just as soon as I can and have it engraved with WWU.

It brings comfort just thinking about having something concrete I can look to as a reminder.

Your sorrow and hurt and frustration come through in your posts so strongly.  I feel your pain.

I would just like to throw a few ideas out there.

I know you said you do not want to raise another child, but in GC interest, if you were able to get a CPS case on DD and SIL, would you be able to take GD?
You say you can get her any time, have you tried to see GD for an extended period?  Take her on your trip perhaps?  I am sure you had planned a motorcycle trip, perhaps that could change.

I am just wondering in DD sees that she would be in very good hands, and enjoy her time without her DD, would she hand her over voluntarily. 

It is a very unstable situation to be in.  You first need to take care of you, unless there is a child involved.  ((((hugs))))

My OP have taken an interesting stance on their will, I wanted to share.  This is for the parent who wants to be fair to all AC.

My DM has kept meticulous records of everything she spends on all of us AC.  We jokingly refer to this as "Mom's Book."  She lists gifts, and loans, and what ever each line item is for.  With five of us and all have been in need at one time or another, one sister lived with them for years with her two children, I think she has been afraid to leave anyone more then another.

DP have many beautiful antiques and collectables also, the above named sibling went through the house and placed her name on so much of this.  Literally, she used tape and taped her name on bottoms and backs of things.

So DP decided, and we all have a copy of the will, that everything will be sold before or upon the death of the last spouse, at auction.  If we want anything we are allowed to bid on and win any of the items. 

All auction money and savings, etc. will be combined, "Mom's book" will then be taken into account.  Those amounts will be deducted for each sibling, from their share, then proceeds will be  split 5 ways.   I know it sounds confusing the way I put it here, but it actually works out nicely for those of us who have been more self sufficient.

Mind you, DP are not denying themselves anything.  They travel, spend on themselves and plan for their future. I would love to see them spend it all on themselves.

I have one sibling that cannot wait for them to die, he insisted when DF went into hosp one time, that we "have a meeting to handle everything." This was 15 years ago!  I refused to attend.  The other sibling noted above, claims to not want to hear about the day when it happens, but her actions speak differently.

Myself, I would use the thought "You reap what you sow."  My AC know that we do not have much, since I have been disabled for the past 12 years.  We do not travel, even a vacation a year does not happen for us.  If the expect anything, they are sorely mistaken.  But one never knows. 

Now, should I win the lottery and they begin to "love me" again....hahahahhaha!  I think I will have the memory of an elephant 

Welcome G!
I just want to add two things
#1.  I have never been close to any of my 14 GC, don't see them often, have never "babysat" for any of them, really, I do not know why, I have had loads of foster children and have been close with most of them.  My own parents are closer with my Biological GC then I, or DH.

#2 Maybe she was watching over your shoulder during a diaper change to find out how a "pro" does it.   

From the other side of the fence.  I am not sentimental and after three marriages have lost or given up most of my children's things.  I would (and have) like Doe said given to the AC the more sentimental items, but after 20 years or more, isn't the rest of it outdated for today's parents?  I would have never used an outfit that my mother had for me, on my daughter 25 years ago.  I cannot imagine my children using anything 20 years old on their kids.

Welcome Reba,

I too, am new here, but not new to your issues.

I have been considering not having contact with GC and how it would affect the rest of my life.  I think I could "adjust"  my feelings and not have so much of a need to see them ( I rarely do anyhow) then I wonder how it would affect the children, as they grow, when they are adults. 

My AC have very good relationships with their GP.  Myself, I never did.  One set was way to strict, the other lived too far the know well.  Maybe that's why I can feel like I would be ok without a relationship with my own GC.

I regress, my two AC who hate me, I refused to even acknowledge the last scathing text I received from AS. AD I will not anymore. I am so tired of leaving family functions in tears. I will no longer tell them how proud I am, how much I love them.  That simply put, adds fuel to their fires of anger and hatred. They seem to revel in the fact that I grovel.  I grovel no more, now I ignore.  If the GC do not acknowledge me then I do not, them.  After all, they do not even know who I am.  I will choose to be oblivious to my AC.

For many of us WW our children feel we owe them something more then raising them beyond legal age.  We do not. Give to those who deserve, your attention.  Those who hurt you, give your back.