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Quote from: Grammie on August 05, 2012, 08:56:36 PM
If DIL loved DS even half as much as she loves herself she would be able to see that she is hurting him with her behavior.

That could be said of DS/DD/SIL/FIL/MIL/DM/DF...etc., etc.
Too many people are self absorbed and do not realize how much they hurt others.  I think this is why this website and WWU is popular and necessary. 

I am so sorry you are having a bad day.  Those will come and they will go.  Perhaps a walk or some exercise will help?

Yes, Kudos to you and DH for raising a son who accepts and respects DIL wishes.   Shame on him for not speaking up and getting a little free time for you.

I thought the request was creepy.

IDK about any of you, but in my community there are certain cultures who call their infant daughters and young daughters Mommy, or Mamma.  I find that a little creepy too.

Dearest Muffin,
I am so very sorry for the loss of such a lovely companion.

We held out Peeke 7 years ago as he passed this life, and we still grieve for him from time to time.  His ashes, collar and photo grace our china cabinet to this day.

They are such wonderful blessings in our lives, as they ask nothing but food and love.

Gizmo got me through some very very tough times, medically, by my side, as soon as he knew I was better, he knew it was his time to go. 

So comforting that you had family to help you through it without judgement.

Unfortunately we do not get the luxury to dictate when we see GC these days.   On a day or holiday like Christmas and Thanksgiving we have to keep in mind that with divorce so prevalent, and single parenting is normal,  blended families are the norm.  I think the courts now play a very large part in planning time with the youngsters.   (I understand that is not the case with you)

In my own central family I have three fathers, seven sets of GP and now with marriages, we have added 12 more sets of GP (including greats) that is for my own 3AC and their 9 little ones.  I am shocked myself, I just added that up.  Can you imagine being a little one in the middle of all of that shuffling and running and opening and yes, of course family turmoil that comes with holidays?

Grammie I agree with the others, everything that has happened to you and DH/ YS seems very unfair to me, except for the expectation of things staying the same at the holidays.

Perhaps one thing you could do is send out an open email, as a matter-of-fact, like my DM does, a few months before Thanksgiving, outlining your suggestions for celebrations, invite everyone to email their ideas for the same.  Do it with no emotions, like a business letter.  If everyone does a "reply to all" every time they respond then everyone gets the same message.   Keep in mind when writing this letter other schedules, try your best to be fair.  In fact, if you ask for a little less then usual, they might be more apt to see things your way. 

In my eyes, (DH and ) I respect my DM so much more because she is very flexible, then my MIL who refuses to budge.  As for my own celebration as a GM/MIL  I gave up on that years ago...way to much going on in the other families.  Besides two of my AC hate me and DOS lives too far.  So it's just our nuclear family YS/DH and myself with our gifts at a time that is convenient.

When will our AC realize that we raised them from tiny tiny babies, even before that.  If we did ok with them, why would we not do so well with their offspring?  After all we have the luxury of time and wisdom on our side.

I'm with you on this Monroe. I feel Christmas morning (or Christmas eve, as the family decides) should be exclusive for the children and their parents.  I am curious how things were when Grammie had small children.  Did you share the time with GP of your DS?

I can't tell you how many times I wished I had a Christmas morning alone with YS.  MIL on the other hand wants to share every holiday with her son (DH, not even YS)  It is a 5 hour trip, so we end up spending it all with them, with YS sharing his Christmas morning with two elderly people who grew up as only children, with no other family around.  They had the spotlight, and still they expect it.  Yes, it's true, the day is all about them and YS gets pushed aside.

I have, in  11 years, had two or three holidays in my home, with my DS as the center of attention.  I do not ever remember sharing my Christmas morning with any GP as a youngster.  I believe that part of the holiday is special, for children and parents to stay in their jammies and open gifts from and to one another.  There is lots of other time for extended families.  My DP have their holiday a week before or after the actual day.  With 5 children, grown grandchildren, divorced families and so on...the holiday gets stressful enough for everyone, especially the kids.

Of course if, like you suggest, the gifts are dropped off, I would have suggested they see them opened.  I love to see others open my gifts.

This year, for my FOO things will be different.  My husband and I have decided we will not buy gifts for the AC, as we have in the past.  They simply do not appreciate them, since they do not appreciate our love.  The GC will receive a few dollars, from my hands.  In the past all of the gifts have gotten jumbled with my parents plethora.  The GC do not know what we brought for them.  I refuse to go overboard as in the past.   

In holding on to the guilt you will never be able to forgive them or yourself.  But not forgiving is hurting you and giving them the power over your life that no one has a right to.   Grammie, your pain is very real and your anger is still very fresh...but it is geared towards someone who does not deserve to hold that power over you.  Only you can forgive and give yourself freedom from that anger and hurt. 

I have apologized many times to my children...for what I really do not know.  I have told them I did the best I could, and what I knew.  I have also forgiven them the hurt they cause me.  This allows me to live my life, without them.  I still hurt, I still hope.  I also wish them the best, and do not hope they fall off the earth.  I hope that I will see them on the proverbial death bed and we can tell each other one last time how much we love each other. 

For you, Grammie I wish peace.

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge."    Isaac Friedmann

Dear Didi,

I think you did what I would have chosen, in your situation. 
I have written a letter to my sisters in the past, and they took it for what it was.  But I already have a very well evolved relationship with mine.  A letter does have to ability to allow the reader to place their own interpretation on the writer.
Be strong Didi, time will help you heal.  For now rest in the knowledge that DGC is safe.

Hello   
I wonder if you are talking about just giving up, or acceptance of the situation as it stands.

I think I have come to accept that my DD will always have bad feelings when it comes to myself and DH.  It has been probably 8 years in the making for us as well.  Although she has made it sound like it began when she was 14 years old (27 now.)  I have gone through the grieving process with DD and I think always knew things were not right with DS.

Giving up, to me, would mean there will never be any contact, they would never accept me as their mother, that we all just dissipate into oblivion.  That there is no afterlife where we will see each other, and forgiveness will come.  I still hope that on my death bed they will be there saying that they love me and are sorry for all of our lost time.  (lol, I think it will be too late to change my will by then, and they may hate me after the reading)

I think it is acceptance is more accurate.  Acceptance of the status quo until that time when all is well.   Yes the pain still surfaces.

Firelight,
I have been thinking about you and hoping you are ok. 

Pooh,
I just got home from a weekend away, and read your posts.  It brought tears to my eyes!  I am so happy it all worked out...what a wonderful community we have here, to help one family find a way.   

Quote from: Scoop on July 27, 2012, 06:17:20 AM
I would be tempted to lay it all out when you see him to give him the money.  BEFORE YOU GIVE HIM THE MONEY, ask him straight out if this is how it's going to be, that you're paying $xx per hour to see your GK's.  And that you feel he only contacts you when he wants to hit you up for something.   So tell him FINE, you'll give him the money and you'll help him again in the future if he needs it, but it's going to cost him.  $50 worth of cash, for 50 minutes of phone conversation, over the next few weeks, preferably in the form of five 10 minute calls.

This all sounds like extortion to me....I do not like the fact that you have to pay to see GK.  It's not fair to you and it reeks of dishonesty to the children.  What is going to happen when/if  they ever find out how the relationship B/W you and DS went when they were young?  How will the children feel if they knew they were "currency" in that relationship?  I have suspicion it would affect their self esteem and self value. 

What you have done, by allowing DS to treat you as he has, that affects the two of you and maybe DIL if she finds out.  But it's only a pea in the garden of problems with he and you, and he and his wife.  The fact that you keep making excuses about it, well, that's a whole different issue. But I am no psychologist.

I pray you will find a different way to handle these situations in the future.  For now this damage is done.

Didi, I am so sorry you have to endure the loss of a relationship with a child through addiction.  I have never been in your shoes, so I cannot (I feel) offer any advice about that.  Except to say what the others have, take care of yourself.  Let her live her life the way she chooses.  I know from others who have been through addiction is, many times they have to hit absolute rock bottom before they begin to climb back up. You cannot help her until she looks up and is seeing you in the sunshine.

As far as your sister is concerned I can offer this advice, my sisters are very respectful about my relationship with AC.  They do not tell me things, if my AC bring it up to them, they say...."Look that's my Sister and regardless of what you say I will always love her."  Basically we are off topic for them.  It helps us keep a great relationship.

On the other hand, if I ask for advice, they tell me honestly what they think.  And I listen and do not get angry, or I choose to take it or not. This has not happened in a long time, but it's the boundaries we have set for ourselves. 

You should be able to tell your sister honestly what you feel.  The two of you have to set boundaries that are acceptable to you both.

I'm thinking of you

Dearest Pooh, what a wonderful woman you are!
I found myself smiling at your posts.  I feel you are a very positive person, and DIL is so very lucky.

Quote from: Pooh on July 25, 2012, 09:09:06 AM
I think tonight I will try something different, like you guys suggested.  She mentioned a couple of weeks ago that someday I would have to show her how to make my taco soup.  Again, thinking I was doing the nice thing, I said, "Sure.  Whenever you want we can do that."  So I'm going to a baby doc appointment this afternoon with her.  I think I'll see if a little pushing will help.  Maybe saying, "Hey, I am thinking taco soup would be good tonight.  You good with me picking up the ingrediants after work and us making it, since you asked a couple of weeks ago?"

How's that sound?

I think she will be tickled pink!