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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: lovelymimi on May 22, 2012, 06:52:23 PM

Title: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: lovelymimi on May 22, 2012, 06:52:23 PM
Okay, so I had some time on my hands and I read through the threads here.

I'm amazed at how many moms out there are hurt by the estranged relationships from their sons... Some of these complaints are about DDs, but most of them seem to be regarding DSs. I'm not sure why that is...

I have sons (ages 5, 3, 9 months) we share a bond that unbreakable. It really makes me sad to know that one day that may end. It also makes me sad for all you moms out there who for some reason or another lost that bond with your own son.

I am expecting that my role in my DSs life will change as they grow (especially when they marry) I just can't imagine not having a relationship with them AT ALL (like some of you). Very, very, sad.

I'm a DIL who hasn't had the easiest road with my MIL, but I would never imagine coming b/t her and DS. Sure I don't care for her very much, but that's still DHs mom. Come to think of it,  I'm certain that my not getting along with her, has had a certain affect on her relationship with DS. For example, if I liked her more, I'd probably invite or over more. Therefore, she would see DS more. Not sure what I should do about that...

Just wanted to say (as a DM with DSs of my own) that even though I haven't walked down your road yet, I am very sorry for the hurt and pain you've experienced. Despite all my imperfections I really wouldn't wish that on any mom. The nine months you went through, the labor & delivery, the breastfeeding, sleepless nights, doctor visits, school, money; And now they can't even pick up a phone and call??? IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope you can find comfort in knowing that despite your DSs not being their for you like they should be, it still doesn't change the fact that you will always be a sacred part of their life. Though they may not show it, they will always love you.

Cheers.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Pen on May 22, 2012, 08:32:04 PM
LovelyMimi, thank you. That was a beautiful post.

IMO, your boys will learn from you and DH how to treat their wives, their ILs and their own Ps when they grow up. With the insight you have at an early stage, I believe you have a great chance of success! If your DH calls his DM regularly w/o complaining your boys may do the same. If they see you making an attempt to be hospitable to your MIL perhaps they'll expect their wives to do so too.

Obviously there's no guarantee because everyone has their own personality traits, but it's certainly worth a try.

Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: tryingmybest on May 22, 2012, 08:39:23 PM
Thank you Lovelymimi. I'm glad you're here with us. I think we all can learn from each other.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: lancaster lady on May 23, 2012, 12:19:07 AM
Well Mimi , you're heads up joining this site when those boys are small . Wish i had ! However Luise was busy doing other things . I still think someone should write a How To Be A MIL book. Is there one ? Anybody ?
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on May 23, 2012, 05:33:36 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on May 23, 2012, 12:19:07 AM
Well Mimi , you're heads up joining this site when those boys are small . Wish i had ! However Luise was busy doing other things . I still think someone should write a How To Be A MIL book. Is there one ? Anybody ?

hahaha.... the MIL BOOK, should really be a periodical  as it seems the rule change pretty often!!  At least in my experience..   All kidding aside.. I know now the mistakes I made.  None were done with malice, but mistakes all the same.  Wish I knew then what I know now.  It's too late for me, but hoping others here can have a heads up like you mimi!
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: NewMama on May 23, 2012, 05:38:18 AM
Mimi, what a lovely post. I'm sort of in the same boat as you at the moment, my DS just turned a year old. He's at a stage where only Mama will do, and I have to admit to relishing the fact that I'm his favourite person right now. Since I started having some issues with MIL, I've been thinking about what will happen when he grows up and possibly marries someday. I get tempted at times to write myself a letter now and tuck it away with all the things I've learned the last 6 months about MIL/DIL relationships, as well as some of the insights that WWU has provided me with in order to get some perspective when the time comes. It really does seem that a lot of the conflicts arise from having DSs and DILs.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: justanoldgrandma on May 23, 2012, 06:16:29 AM
I know all MILs here appreciate your post!  I never thought of IL problems while raising the boys.

I take that back!  My parents didn't love my dh at first  but didn't object....they didn't demand a lot; were content to see us at alternating holidays and sometimes a dinner (we didn't live close); dh's family was large and very close and did expect to see us a lot while newlyweds and w small kids although they didn't insist on seeing us for all holidays. 

Before our wedding, widowed fil wanted to buy a house trailer for us and him to live in to benefit us financially and for him not to be lonely!  I was appalled although I liked fil; dh would have gone along w it but he knew I didn't and still don't! like relatives or friends living w us (just too private, I guess.)  DH was sad having to just ignore his df's request; (he went on to live w his dd.)

We were often being "dropped in on" for a weekend visit as their family (meaning parents, siblings, cousins, etc.) was used to that; (my mother hated that practice; had to have a phone call.)  The ILs would help w meals and such but sometimes our plans had to be cancelled....didn't like it at all.

Being passive, I didn't object to all the visiting/dropping by...they did all get it that I was "different" and couldn't stand people living w us, thank goodness, as that was common w the family (in times of financial troubles.)  We sometimes had to lend money, etc....but they liked me and were happy seeing the gkds.....and gradually dh accepted that I wasn't into what I considered communal living!

It seems that way back then (we've been married 30 years) people just accepted these differences and there were no blow ups or cut offs......even today we can visit back and forth, they are my friends.....no jealousy.....

So...comments, please....would you all (dils and mils both) have had IL problems w this discrepancy in life style?  (DH and I were raised so differently.) I think we were able to COMPROMISE and so many won't today....(dh and I today do the walk on eggshells thing to be sure not to impose on dss and families.....)

Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on May 23, 2012, 06:30:26 AM
Mimi..  your loving unbreakable bond with your sons is no different than what I felt, and feel for my sons.  That bond transcends generations.   I never imagined that my DS and I would become distant... NEVER.   Had anyone told me that when he was a child,  I would have told them that my son and I were different, and nothing could happen to estrange us.   He married at age 28 and we were close then and I believed would be close forever.  BUT.. gradually and insidiously, conversations became more casual and visits fewer.   When he first married, be called me to ask my opinions and advise... however, those calls became fewer and less frequent to now non-existant.  We talk only very superficially about once a month or 6 weeks,  and I know very little about his life now.   How did this happen?  What made it happen?  What would anyone expect me to think? 
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Pooh on May 23, 2012, 06:47:13 AM
Beautiful MiMi.  Thank you for the kind, loving post

.  I too am in the club of 2 sons and if someone had ever told me our relationship would be gone when they were adults, would have looked at you like, "Well, you must have done something terribly wrong.  Must have abused them boys or something to cause that."  I admit it.  I was clueless that when you had a great relationship with your kids, things would change that badly.  I thought the few times I heard about adult kids not talking to their parents that those kids must have been treated horribly to not do that.  I was naive about it and shallow in my thinking.  I expected less contact as they made their own way in life...I didn't expect no contact.

I also had a MIL I didn't like but it never crossed my mind that I could cut her out of our lives.  That was a foreign concept to me.  We had a blowup so bad about five years into our marriage that I refused to talk to her for awhile or go visit, but I still let her pick up the boys and they went to see her with their Dad.  It took me a long time to go back, but I finally did and we actually got along a little better after that.  I did know I didn't have to let her treat me badly, but I didn't ever consider keeping her DS or GC from her.  And honestly, if I had known you could do that, I wouldn't have.  Like you, that was my DH's Mother and my boys GM.  I couldn't have done it no matter how much I didn't like her (barring abuse or something horrible she was doing to the boys).  My parents couldn't stand my DH, but they always treated him well too.

I think knowledge is always power.  I do think you stand a greater chance of having wonderful adult relationships with your Sons because you are armed with knowledge and compassion.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: justanoldgrandma on May 23, 2012, 07:35:37 AM
OS is so hectically busy w work/remodeling/yard work, helping his sahw w housework and childcare that we get calls only when he's driving home from work (bluetooth);dil doesn't keep him from calling;he's just swamped. Weekends are for work/friends/church/her foo....(the last is frustrating to son and to us but it is what it is.)

YS was in an abusive relationship; could tell he couldn't talk if she was in the house;no visits, secrets.....he's out of it now....his gf now is great about communication and he can talk but also has so little time and distance....

Fortunately we aren't cut out of our sons' lives, so grateful, but we are so careful not to overstep....different from when I was young!

A lot of it is that they have grown up and emphasis is on work/family/friends....I see this a lot unless it's a small town where everyone lives there (like the foo mentioned above....they see/call a lot....); otherwise, we have just accepted that we aren't going to see them all that much....

I think the reason, Mimi, that you read more about dss not in their foo's lives is that sons are more independent from their foos for the most part; they can't be mama's boys, whereas the girls can still be very close to their foos; it's just a genetic or "today's world' it seems....sons aren't expected to be at their foos as much....they don't communicate as much....

A generation ago, maybe....
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on May 23, 2012, 09:01:53 AM
Yes... "Mamma's Boy" is definately a dirty word and is often throw at men by their wives.  Don't think being seen as a "Mamma's girl"  or a "Daddy's Girl" holds quite the same stigma.  No one blinks an eye when a woman calls her parents for advise or opinions, but my son was definately chastized by her for him calling me for the same.  I heard it with my own ears.   Of course boys are "allowed" to love their moms, only at a safe distance I guess.

I only had a MIL for the 9 years I was married to  my sons father.  It never crossed my mind to alienate his parents.  It never bothered me when DH called them.  I was grateful for other opinions and insight.  I never felt the animosity that DIL has felt for me.   I don't think I deserved it IMO, but then again, I was never told the rules.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Doe on May 23, 2012, 01:36:14 PM
Refreshing change of perspective!  I appreciate the caring that came through your message.

I'm also part of the "we were so close-what happened?" gang, though only one son has removed himself.

My best advice to you as you enjoy your children is to keep a part of you for yourself.  I think I just turned myself inside out for my kids and gave them my all without any thought to retirement from motherhood.  I thought it would go on endlessly and now I'm having to re-start myself as a childless person.  The good news is that my other adult son is an adult friend now.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on May 23, 2012, 02:22:01 PM
Quote from: Doe on May 23, 2012, 01:36:14 PM
Refreshing change of perspective!  I appreciate the caring that came through your message.

I'm also part of the "we were so close-what happened?" gang, though only one son has removed himself.

My best advice to you as you enjoy your children is to keep a part of you for yourself.  I think I just turned myself inside out for my kids and gave them my all without any thought to retirement from motherhood.  I thought it would go on endlessly and now I'm having to re-start myself as a childless person.  The good news is that my other adult son is an adult friend now.

This is so true!!  Very wise words.   I am also lucky to have an older unmarried son who is still my friend and enjoys talking to me and being with me.   Guess that old saying "A son is your son til he takes a wife" rings pretty true in my case, as both my boys were raised together and exactly the same.    OS is in his forties and remains single by choice.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: NewMama on May 23, 2012, 03:10:38 PM
Doe, I think you've made a really good point there about not pouring every last bit of yourself into your children. My MIL was a very dedicated mom, she stayed at home with DH, had no social life, did everything for him. And although he loves his mom, her sacrifices are just completely lost on him. He commented the other day about how his mom kept them very organized and a tidy house, because she had "nothing else to do". As a woman, I kinda wanted to just thump him when he said that :) Knowing her, she was doing it all for him but he just doesn't get it. I think that's part of the reason why she had a hard time transitioning from a mom role of doing every little thing to a grandmother one where she wasn't in charge. It's also been the source of some of the tension between us, because she sees me working or having a social life (no matter how small, and trust me, it's one step past non-existent) as selfish.

I also can't imagine just cutting her out of our lives regardless of us disagreeing over things. I can't imagine doing that to anyone unless they were a serious danger to us or my child. I wouldn't want to put DH or DS in the middle like that.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Beth 2011 on May 23, 2012, 05:21:56 PM
Hi MIMI,

Thank you for such a beautiful post.  I wish that I still had that warm and caring relationship with my son but it is gone.  I know this is a fact of life.  Things change each and every day.  I tell you what.... I just had a very serious health scare but I am fine now.  But waiting for test results made me reevaluate my life and truly look at it.  I know I would be open to a relationship with my DS and DIL if they so choose but I will not be a doormat.  I was thinking about the last time my DH spoke with DS and told him the ball was in his court.  My main thoughts were for DD because she is not married.  I do believe in Karma and it has a tendency to pull the rug from under your feet at times.  And you know... I find myself hoping that DS is truly happy.  I read this and it sounds really looney tooney.  :)  But I really hope he is happy.   
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: justanoldgrandma on May 23, 2012, 08:24:42 PM
LovelyMimi and NewMama, it's great to hear that you would never keep your dhs and gkids from your dh's foo unless it were a case of abuse or such.....not a disagreement or even a really, really bad argument!  (I'm not the type to "go off" on someone; I take it out on myself and cause myself anxiety!)

But in these stressful times with so much stress on young families, with young wives nor many mils/fils not afraid to speak up, these misunderstandings/hard feelings can arise.....

In a family I know, at a 4th of July celebration there was a huge argument between a dil and her mil; the dil thought she was being made fun of; the new dil and her new dh left and the mil said she wouldn't "make up"; that she just cared about her ds and that he would come to the gatherings.  (The mil had known the dil for a long time & didn't like her for her son and I'm sure the dil knew this; actually, I think it was the two women fighting over the son, jealousy.)  I asked the mil what about the future gkids....she was confident that her ds and gks would come see her; I'm sure the new dil felt that she had nothing to lose either! 

Fortunately, the blowup passed after a few tense gatherings; how silly this sounded to me on both the mil and dil's sides! The two women see each other but not w love; it's sad bc there's no reason.....

I agree w NewMama and Doe about women not pouring all into their children; my mother didn't (see other long post by me!); she was more vested in my father, her job, herself.......so she wasn't constantly looking to me or to her gkids for her life to be complete; in her older years, her friends and activities still took priority at times; it sometimes hurt me but I was glad she had her own life and was happy....

Work, volunteering, travel, friends, church, whatever.....we mils need to find our happiness not just in our gkids and AC; it's just too fleeting and not reliable!  (Making notes to myself as I sit here missing the gkids!)
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on May 24, 2012, 04:47:38 AM
Quote from: Beth 2011 on May 23, 2012, 05:21:56 PM
Hi MIMI,

Thank you for such a beautiful post.  I wish that I still had that warm and caring relationship with my son but it is gone.  I know this is a fact of life.  Things change each and every day.  I tell you what.... I just had a very serious health scare but I am fine now.  But waiting for test results made me reevaluate my life and truly look at it.  I know I would be open to a relationship with my DS and DIL if they so choose but I will not be a doormat.  I was thinking about the last time my DH spoke with DS and told him the ball was in his court.  My main thoughts were for DD because she is not married.  I do believe in Karma and it has a tendency to pull the rug from under your feet at times.  And you know... I find myself hoping that DS is truly happy.  I read this and it sounds really looney tooney.  :)  But I really hope he is happy.   

I know I want my son to be happy, that goes without saying.  I truly truly WANT him to be happy.  I just would like to be part of his life and his family.  Apparently that is not a requirement for him or her. 

Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: pam1 on May 24, 2012, 07:45:45 AM
When I first came here I thought most problems could be solved by the MIL getting busy with her own life rather than her childs. (and I'm not very proud of this)  It wasn't until I read some MILs stories and realized, hey I could have this same exact problem with DD.  I would be upset if she married at 18 or even 20, 22.  I would be worried sick about her and the whole situation.

Life throws so many curveballs and you're not going to see them coming, unfortunately. 
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Doe on May 24, 2012, 10:33:35 AM
You're right, Pam.  it's impossible to know what it's like till you've been in someone else's shoes.I never really understood how parents could let their kids get  in trouble until we got a call from the police one evening about public brawling.  I thought for sure they had the wrong kid! 

It's a humbling experience to take your teen in for fingerprinting - and it can bring you to your knees to see an AC in an orange jumpsuit.  My urge to criticize other parents went waaaayyyy down after those experiences.

Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: themuffin on May 31, 2012, 10:53:09 AM
Helllo Lovelymimi,

That beautiful post made my eyes tear up. THANK you so much for writing it.  ;D
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Keys Girl on May 31, 2012, 05:54:26 PM
Mimi, lovely post, thank you.

Enjoy the hugs and kisses while they are young, because you don't know how things will work out. 

My son would always give me a goodbye kiss even in his teens, IN FRONT of his friends, who ribbed him about it, but he didn't seem to be bothered at all.  I'm glad I have all these memories, and every single card and drawing that he did for me.  Things haven't worked out the way I thought they would, but I'm realizing at this point in my life, that's part of the whole package of being on this planet and why God invented chocolate.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: firelight on June 03, 2012, 06:09:17 PM
Hi Lovelymimi,

this is what makes it so hard when things go wrong with our AC.  Our heart and soul, blood, sweat, and tears have literally been invested in our babies for most of our own adult lives and you're right....it isn't fair.  I have a DD but it hurts no less and we were so very close throughout her life until the transition to adulthood for her.  Seems when they hit 10, they try their first lie out on you, but things are small change and you get to know your children as they grow and can still guide and correct....things are still wonderful though for the most part at that time....then the teen years come and 15 yrs old ...well.....you wonder who is this person....but after a year or 2, they seem to return to normal and all is well again between you.  My daughter still crawled into bed with me still at 17 and 18 on occasion and we'd just talk.  It was a very good relationship.  You burst with pride as they graduate.  All the loving and giving and sacrifices seem so worth it.  Like I said, my daughter and I were very loving & close.  Somehow, the transition to adulthood in the 20s no one tells you about.....just depends on their (our AC) choices and who they end up with.  A lot of things influence them and they make their own decisions and there's nothing you can do about it.  It's very painful when things go bad.  Sometimes things just don't turn out as you imagined it and if anyone would have told me things would be as they are today, I would have bet a million that they were so wrong.  It's all very humbling and sad.  I thought the same thing, if I saw someone who didn't have a close relationship with their kids, I'd blame the parent.  It's a real eye opener going through all this.  There's many women here who have been through extreme shock with all that has happened and a heartbreak you cannot imagine that initially feels like it will surely kill you.  Kind of like describing childbirth to someone who's never had a baby.....you just can't really relay it unless they've gone through the pain.  However, I know that time changes things and things weren't always this way.....whatever time has in store, it will not remain the same, whatever that might be. 

It must be kind of scary for you with little ones to read this stuff.  I hope it never happens to you.  Having AC is another chapter of our own growing and we learn to live a new life and move forward.  I don't think we ever stop growing.  You come to a point when you realize that you have to "let 'em g(r)o(w)." 

You are blessed to have 3 little ones.  I had only 1 so when things turn out like it did, it's a hard pill to swallow. 

One learns how to focus on oneself and live life with or without them. 
It's kind of like having your life back as before you had kids......only different.  Hard to describe.  You learn to be your own person once again.

Warmest thoughts to you mimi.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on June 05, 2012, 05:53:58 AM
I understand what you are saying Firelight..   I have pondered the "learn to be your own person again"  phrase.  I agree, this is how it is for most women.    I have to wonder though... Do men have to learn to be their own person again when the kids leave or become estranged from them?    Have any of us ever REALLY been our own person?  Weren't we always "someones Daughter?  Someones wife?   Someone's mother?   Now we aspire to be Someone's Grandmother, and when we are not given that status to our expectation we really don't know how to deal with it?   These are just questions I have pondered.  We have always worked hard and succeeded to provide for our kids.  BUT as with anything, we were doing that for others, not really ourselves.    We are not getting satisfaction from our successes for ourselves and our own ego, as men do, but for how it benefits others in our lives.    I don't mean to sound like some aging feminist... I truely don't, but as I get older and look back these are things I wonder about.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Doe on June 05, 2012, 06:30:48 AM
Well, to nitpick, men have been someone's son, husband, father, etc...

But in support of your point, Virginia Woolf wrote an essay called "A Room of One's Own" as an argument for women having their own space in order to create.  Basically, she was saying women then were generally dependent on their parents or husbands - families.  I don't remember the details but the general concept has stayed with me.

For me, I think it comes back to the mantra that no one is going to give us our happiness; we have to make it and take it where we can.
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on June 05, 2012, 06:34:49 AM
QuoteWell, to nitpick, men have been someone's son, husband, father, etc...

Of course this is true... but what I am saying is that men do not tend to base their identity or self worth on these relationships like many women do.

Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 05, 2012, 07:00:39 AM
I agree with Lilly; men just don't seem to be as caught up in family dynamics as women are. I think it goes to the basic nature of women; from the beginning of time, so far as we know!, the woman gave birth, nursed the babies, kept the home while the man went out and "hunted", making the living. She was responsible for the family's happiness in the home. The man took his son hunting w him when old enough, leaving the mother worrying about them......

I am catching a bit of "Mona Lisa Smiles" where the Julia Roberts character tries to convince her students (I think in the 50's) that they can be career women independent of a husband.....but she herself falls in love.....these young women are so conflicted as to whether they want family and/or career.....the two seem impossible to merge; they are still at the mercy of husbands.

Husbands and fathers usually dearly love their wives and children and miss their AC when they leave the nest; some suffer greatly w estrangement; but it seems most have outside diversions/careers to help distract them whereas we women, even w the "freedom" of so-called women's lib, still have the family on our minds even if working full time w many activities.....genetic and environmental.

It's true that we mothers have great joy but many have great worries/sorrows.....single women w/o children who don't want children do seem independent; my neighbor can't fathom worrying about family as I do; she is totally into her own life w brief times of being w others.....she's like a ....... man!

It seems the goal of WWU is to free mothers of AC/gc from the sorrow of their leaving/estrangement.....to become more independent, to stop weeping, to be the independent women that the failed Woman's Liberation Movement was intended to be.....as emotional as (I) am, that is a rest-of-my-lifetime task.....
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Lillycache on June 05, 2012, 07:25:06 AM
Hmmmm..... Women's liberation.   I have mixed feelings about this.  I prefer to refer to the movement as the Woman's Equality Movement"   The woman's movement gave us the Vote.... allowed us to inherit and own property...gave us equal protection under the law in that we no longer are legal property of our fathers and husbands.   Hopefully it will one day bring equal pay for equal work.  These are RIGHTS.... and believe it or not we had to fight for them, and it hasn't been so very long ago that we didn't have these inalienable rights.   Now we almost take them for granted and forget that the generations before us fought long and hard.

However the term Woman's Liberation did bring about a conflict for women.  OK.. so we were now expected to leave the kitchen and nursery and pursue our own careers and identities?   Was this what we HAD to do to move forward as modern women?  Women felt guilty no matter what choice they made.  If they chose to be homemakers, they felt they were short changing themselves.  If they chose to have careers they felt they were shortchanging their kids.  If they tried to do both with equal ferver, they had nervous breakdowns.   Men can have a family and still succeed in a career.... women... it's difficult, and mostly because of our own nature.    More and more young women today are choosing to stay home without the least bit of conflict or guilt about their decisions.  That's good.  However, so many have left the fast track career path and are now throwing themselves into the role of mother with the same intensity they did their career.  Hence the new term "helicopter parent".    One has to wonder how this will affect their kids as adults.   Time will tell. 

Disclaimer:   I am speaking in generalities... not absolute and I realize that everyone is different... This is just my pontification on the topic and some of the things I have wondered about. 
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: firelight on June 05, 2012, 07:55:17 AM
The grass always appears greener on the "other side".   ;)
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Footloose on June 05, 2012, 08:18:15 AM
Firelight,  so well said about your only child.  all I can say
Quote from: firelight on June 03, 2012, 06:09:17 PM
Hi Lovelymimi,

this is what makes it so hard when things go wrong with our AC.  Our heart and soul, blood, sweat, and tears have literally been invested in our babies for most of our own adult lives and you're right....it isn't fair.  I have a DD but it hurts no less and we were so very close throughout her life until the transition to adulthood for her.  Seems when they hit 10, they try their first lie out on you, but things are small change and you get to know your children as they grow and can still guide and correct....things are still wonderful though for the most part at that time....then the teen years come and 15 yrs old ...well.....you wonder who is this person....but after a year or 2, they seem to return to normal and all is well again between you.  My daughter still crawled into bed with me still at 17 and 18 on occasion and we'd just talk.  It was a very good relationship.  You burst with pride as they graduate.  All the loving and giving and sacrifices seem so worth it.  Like I said, my daughter and I were very loving & close.  Somehow, the transition to adulthood in the 20s no one tells you about.....just depends on their (our AC) choices and who they end up with.  A lot of things influence them and they make their own decisions and there's nothing you can do about it.  It's very painful when things go bad.  Sometimes things just don't turn out as you imagined it and if anyone would have told me things would be as they are today, I would have bet a million that they were so wrong.  It's all very humbling and sad.  I thought the same thing, if I saw someone who didn't have a close relationship with their kids, I'd blame the parent.  It's a real eye opener going through all this.  There's many women here who have been through extreme shock with all that has happened and a heartbreak you cannot imagine that initially feels like it will surely kill you.  Kind of like describing childbirth to someone who's never had a baby.....you just can't really relay it unless they've gone through the pain.  However, I know that time changes things and things weren't always this way.....whatever time has in store, it will not remain the same, whatever that might be. 

It must be kind of scary for you with little ones to read this stuff.  I hope it never happens to you.  Having AC is another chapter of our own growing and we learn to live a new life and move forward.  I don't think we ever stop growing.  You come to a point when you realize that you have to "let 'em g(r)o(w)." 

You are blessed to have 3 little ones.  I had only 1 so when things turn out like it did, it's a hard pill to swallow. 

One learns how to focus on oneself and live life with or without them. 
It's kind of like having your life back as before you had kids......only different.  Hard to describe.  You learn to be your own person once again.

Warmest thoughts to you mimi.
is ME TOO!!  Hugs!!
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: mumof2sons on June 26, 2012, 09:16:29 PM
lovely MIMI, your post is lovely, although I had tears  it's such a reminder of my own once relationship with my sons  thankyou.

lilycache, I see myself and my boys so much in what you wrote.

I have 2 sons, ES 26, no problems now, although the usual 'teenage',  he's turned into such a lovely thoughtful caring AS,we are so proud of.
YS now 22, was the same, beautiful, thoughtful,loyal, loving, up until 3yrs ago, when he met a girl, who didn't like the close relationship he had with us,especially me his mum, as someone said here, seen as a 'mamas boy', and then the 'anger, abuse and vilification' of me started,she said she 'felt uncomfortable' at our home,and wanted our son at hers 24/7,[his words].
Her mum also 'interfered and encouraged this. [to long to go into more details]
I beleived my son would remain as he once was, loyal loving etc, but not so,we have talked and talked, and interestingly when he does/did try and increase communication, she became 'antsy'[didn't like it,again sons words], and always the 'rug' was pulled from under us, and the wedge returned.
I'm sad that his choice does not want to be a part of our life.
This affects both my DH & I, so much, as like all these wonderful women on here, 'walk a mile in our shoes', thats why I think the communication on here helps,we have 'walked that mile', and know the 'pain and hurt,all to well.

love and light to all xxx
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Ruth on June 27, 2012, 07:42:59 AM
Quote from: firelight on June 03, 2012, 06:09:17 PM
Hi Lovelymimi,

this is what makes it so hard when things go wrong with our AC.  Our heart and soul, blood, sweat, and tears have literally been invested in our babies for most of our own adult lives and you're right....it isn't fair.  I have a DD but it hurts no less and we were so very close throughout her life until the transition to adulthood for her.  Seems when they hit 10, they try their first lie out on you, but things are small change and you get to know your children as they grow and can still guide and correct....things are still wonderful though for the most part at that time....then the teen years come and 15 yrs old ...well.....you wonder who is this person....but after a year or 2, they seem to return to normal and all is well again between you.  My daughter still crawled into bed with me still at 17 and 18 on occasion and we'd just talk.  It was a very good relationship.  You burst with pride as they graduate.  All the loving and giving and sacrifices seem so worth it.  Like I said, my daughter and I were very loving & close.  Somehow, the transition to adulthood in the 20s no one tells you about.....just depends on their (our AC) choices and who they end up with.  A lot of things influence them and they make their own decisions and there's nothing you can do about it.  It's very painful when things go bad.  Sometimes things just don't turn out as you imagined it and if anyone would have told me things would be as they are today, I would have bet a million that they were so wrong.  It's all very humbling and sad.  I thought the same thing, if I saw someone who didn't have a close relationship with their kids, I'd blame the parent.  It's a real eye opener going through all this.  There's many women here who have been through extreme shock with all that has happened and a heartbreak you cannot imagine that initially feels like it will surely kill you.  Kind of like describing childbirth to someone who's never had a baby.....you just can't really relay it unless they've gone through the pain.  However, I know that time changes things and things weren't always this way.....whatever time has in store, it will not remain the same, whatever that might be. 

It must be kind of scary for you with little ones to read this stuff.  I hope it never happens to you.  Having AC is another chapter of our own growing and we learn to live a new life and move forward.  I don't think we ever stop growing.  You come to a point when you realize that you have to "let 'em g(r)o(w)." 

You are blessed to have 3 little ones.  I had only 1 so when things turn out like it did, it's a hard pill to swallow. 

One learns how to focus on oneself and live life with or without them. 
It's kind of like having your life back as before you had kids......only different.  Hard to describe.  You learn to be your own person once again.

Warmest thoughts to you mimi.

I have read this several times and it is such an important letter.  It is such a graphic and poignant illustration of the journey of being a parent.  And you are right, nobody ever told us what it would be like to be the parent of an AC, we thought it would just be an extension of what was.  What you have described is the truth which we have to come to terms with and there's just no way to sugar coat it and make it go down without the bitter aftertaste.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel, once you have 'swallowed' it, it almost is soothing to the 'stomach' and then the days start getting a little better, but first you pretty much have to allow the unrealistic hope to die out.  We have to come to terms, as Mothers, that raising our kids was only a temporary job description and that description did not include determining what course they would ultimately choose for their lives, who they will spend it with, if they will be healthy or wealthy or wise, etc etc etc. 

But its a slippery slope and we have to be verrrrry! careful not to repeat the same cycle with our GC.  I only had two, and I've enjoyed a wonderful close relationship with my grandsons, but they are now older teens and I can see them pulling away, and trust me it happens really fast.  At the end of the day, we have to become ok with just being ourselves, and being by ourselves if it comes to that.  But as long as there is one other person on the planet, none of us can say that we have no one to love.  Thanks again for writing, Firelight, what I think is a profound summation of what brought most of us here. 
Title: Re: Moms/Sons (A DILs Prespective)
Post by: Smilesback@u on July 01, 2012, 06:32:09 PM
I hope you are still reading these posts mimi.  I thank you and really felt your heart go out to all of us...I respectfully submit that you love, you love, you love, and understand your sons as they are as children, teenagers and eventually you get to know them as adults.  I have 3 sons, and certainly believe that tough love plays a BIG part in teaching sons how to treat women.  I hope you never forget that you are a woman first, and a mother second.  I continue to teach my sons how to show respect by what I let them do to me.  I hope you do not devalue yourself ever, and instead hold your head up high, find support and understanding where you may, and show your sons that being strong means being a gentleman.  Life will teach them along the way, the error of their ways, long after you are gone.