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Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: Hope on February 15, 2010, 01:18:28 PM

Title: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 15, 2010, 01:18:28 PM
This is my first post after finding this wonderful site.  I read and read and read everyone's words of wisdom and finally felt ready to share my story.  It's not all that dramatic, but I am very hurt.  My husband and I have been blessed with 3 children, all adult now, and living locally.  Our 2 girls are great to us, but our son is getting more and more distant since his marriage of 5 years ago.  We have been very supportive of our son and DIL over the years, morally and financially.  We gave them the same amount of money toward their wedding as we spent on our daughter's wedding (more than the bride's parents) and recently gave them 1/3 of our life savings to help them out with a financial hardship they were facing.  We try to get together with them, but they don't answer the phone when I call or reply to my messages.  They only come around on Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mother/Father's Day and a few times a year for birthday dinners for which we treat out at restaurants.  My DS will answer an occassional email, in a brief way.  He never initiates contact and when I try to get the family together to do fun things, my DIL pushes back hard - to the point of being rude.  This summer they will be making us grandparents for the first time and I already know that we are the "other" grandparents.  They already see our DIL's parents often.  I share the pain in many of your stories about not understanding how your DS can allow you to be hurt.  I'm there and preparing myself for more hurt when our gc compounds my feelings.  I don't like being treated like a nobody, especially by someone I love so dearly.  I agree with many of you that said that you have to go on with your life and try to be happy with what you do have.  Maybe some day they will see things differently.  Any other thoughts?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 15, 2010, 01:56:10 PM
Dear Hope,
Thank you for joining our little group...it's a hard road to go on but we're hoping that together, we can make it.  We know how you feel because this doesn't happen with daughters.

He's doing to dance of "I'm in control and you must obey my wishes to show me your love and devotion."   I am happy for you that you have daughters....!! Be so thankful for that.  I know you can't replace one child for another but you can put most of your love and caring into your Daughters and the children they have or will have.

You can't win in this situation...if you call, it will be too much.  If you don't call, it will be that you don't care.  If you ask them to something and they don't show up, don't act like it bothers you..you will be called, "manipulative and needy" if you do.

I know your heart is breaking right now but be so glad that he is allowed to visit on special occasions!  Try not to show weakness around her.  That is the worst thing you can do~!  Don't let her know you are sad at all.  She will retaliate with terrible things.  We know; we've been there.  If you can act like nothing is wrong, do it!!  It will save you many heartbreaks ahead.

So glad you're here!!!  Hope is here, everyone..... :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 02:13:48 PM
Welcome!

My only thought to to do what you are doing here and that is to join a support group. It's just too hard to process alone.

Sending good thoughts your way.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 15, 2010, 02:38:05 PM
Thank you for your kind words, CB and Luise!  I feel like I just received a couple warm hugs.  I think CB is so right when she describes how whatever you do, you can't win.  It has really helped my resolve to read what you have all been through and to know how strong you are.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 15, 2010, 04:36:10 PM
Thanks for your comforting hug, Anna.  I feel like I relate so much to all of you!  You can imagine how many hours I spent analyzing what I could have possibly done to have earned such scorn, only to find myself more confused.  After reading many posts on this site, I feel affirmed that it's not that we aren't good mothers, we didn't do a thing to deserve such cold treatment, rather it is our insecure DIL's influence.  It's nice to find others who can REALLY understand,
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: RedRose on February 15, 2010, 04:51:45 PM
Welcome Hope...This is wonderful place to be, filled with very understanding and caring ladies...a great place to just vent.

In my case, my dil could not stand it if my son showed any love to anyone but her. She is a very controlling person and when she does not get her way she makes life miserable for everyone. I learned to just get along with her in order to have peace in the family and time with my grandson.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 05:20:10 PM
If you haven't read yesterday's thread about control, you might want to. We went pretty deeply into that subject and looked at it from many different angle. When we do a good job and get bad results, it's hard to reconcile.

For some, it's the fact that the DIL wants to be the queen and thinks the MIL might have once been seen as such by DH; better not to take any changed. Stomp her out! Sad. We're moms, we always have room for one more.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 15, 2010, 05:29:09 PM
Thanks, RR and Luise.  That's pretty much where I am, too.  I try to keep the peace, but the real test will be when our gc comes along this summer.  I hope we will be permitted to babysit.  Our DS is not a fighter - he never was.  He takes the easy road for sure, but our DIL is pretty fiesty in all areas of her life.  I'll look for the "control" thread.  I have read some posts about control, but I'll check to see if I missed what you are talking about.  Which topic is it under? Thanks for caring.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on February 15, 2010, 05:54:47 PM
It is under Daughter in Laws/Son in Laws under the title "Controlling People" and was started on 2 - 13. It had nearly 100 responses that were read almost 500 times.  Enjoy!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Marilyn on February 15, 2010, 07:39:32 PM
Welcome Hope,i'm so glad you found this site.It truly helps so much,with all the ladies here that have such big hearts,and compassion.
I wish i would of found this site a lot sooner,before my GC were born.It could of saved me a lot of heart ache.
What Chickie told you is soooooo true,and try really hard not to react or feel hurt by your DIL"s words or actions.Come here and vent,it will really help you cope with what your going thru.

I'm really glad you get the special holidays,mother and father's day,and birthdays.With the help and support you get here,hopefully that will continue,and you wont feel totally shut out.

I know how heart breaking this is for you,
Sending you a hug
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on February 15, 2010, 08:58:51 PM
Hope, welcome. I love your name :)

Your first post said it all. We feel your pain and confusion; you're in a supportive place here, as you stated already. I'm glad you have daughters. They'll be a comfort to you in the coming years.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I'm still trying to get my bearings in this strange new world called MIL Land. My situation is similar to yours except for the daughters - I'm glad you will have their comfort in the months and years to come.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on February 16, 2010, 05:52:01 AM
Hello Hope and welcome

I'm so sorry you are going thru this with your son, it is a sad thing to have happen....however, knowing what I know now, take the signs for what is being said...for some reason, they want you to back off...they want to live they're own lives...

I don't feel that your DIL is mature and would guess she grew up a prinecess, given everything, or in a dysfunctional home....
which leaves scares of insecurity, fear, and jealousy, which are all a disease, that needs to be cured...however, also, you will learn that I'm a big softy and mean no harm to anyone, however, I am also a very cut and dry person who only wants to help, and sometimes that means, that I'm going to say things you don't want to hear...however, I do hope after being thru this horror show with my DIL for the past 12 years, and being a DIL myself....that you understand, my only concern is you and your relationship with your children...including DIL.

2nd...if you want to give money to your children fine, that is your personal preference, but just because you do, doesn't mean they owe you anything in return....it doesn't give you the right to entitlement into they're lives or the right to expectations of how they should act towards you or receive you.  Your now dealing with two grown adults who want to start they're own traditions and rules of they're own household...it's they're life now, and they deserve to do so.

I noticed you wrote, that you gave them more money for they're wedding then her parents....darlin, that shouldn't even be an issue, or be said....and, if you feel like that, I'm sure, she feels like your trying to buy they're affections and personal life story. 

My mother always taught me, if I loan money to someone, it's nice to get it back, but, that I shouldn't expect it back....she told me it says that in the Bible, however, she also drilled it into us, that we should never borrow money, unless we really need help...and then, we are obligated to pay it back, even if we can only afford, $5.00 per week, to let that person know, we're making an attempt. 

I hope you understand my words as they are meant...and I do hope and pray, you understand, that your children need space...and perhaps your DIL is angry, b/c in giving them all that money, you've made her, not your son, but her feel obligated to the point that she fears saying no...or telling you, what bothers her and upsets her. 

Children need to learn, they can't have everything, and they must work hard for what they have....by giving them way to much, won't make them respect you more, nor will it teach them the responsiblity of working hard for what they want....

may I ask you why, why would you give them a third of your life savings...I could understand if they went belly up, or they both lost they're jobs...and are on the way to loosing they're home...however, 1/3 of your life savings?  Do you expect to get it back...that may be why they are avoiding you...b/c you enabled them to go beyond they're financial limit, and now can't afford to pay you back? 

We as parents do wrong when we feel we need to give, give, give, to make they're lives easier then ours....remember, it was the bad experiences, which made us, realize responsiblity...

Please Hope, read my post, in this thread...

http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,404.0.html

your daughters may conform to your family get togethers, however, your son married a woman who is not connected to your family, except by marriage, and you have to learn to allow them to be where they want to be....you say, your DIL becomes rude to you when you ask her to join your family...I'm asking you, "When she says 'no" do you listen?  Or, do you contine to expect her to be there, without even hearing her words of no, or that she doesn't want to come? 

Does she work?  Does your son work, what kind of hours do they work, plus drive a week?  Are you retired, do you work? 

Lets, discuss what your expectations of your son and DIL are, and lets look at they're life...

do you push yourself on they're more personal & financial capabilities...?

Lets talk about what started this all...your feelings, and then try and look at your son's and DIL's feelings.... maybe, just maybe, if you back off and let them alone...they will come to you...but your going to have to stop putting pressure on them, b/c when you do that, it feels like your being strangled...and all you want to do is live your own life....make your own household rules...so, lets get more in depth about this situation of yours and see if we, together can't work it out...along with the other MIL's and DIL's here...they are very wise women....and you've come to a great sanctuary for help...I love this forum...and the ladies involved, give so much of they're time and thoughts to help others.

I just think that some of these problems are easily worked out if we just learn to give a little more, without taking things personally...and I repeat, Hope, that I do care and only wish to help others not make the same mistakes I may have made....if I can do that, then my life will have purpose....


Hugs and love
Creme

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on February 16, 2010, 08:49:04 AM
I think the money thing, like C/ just wrote, has a lot to do with how we were brought up, preferences and comfort levels. It's part of our value structure and belief system.

I will write a little about my point of view since I am not a private person and don't care what anyone knows about me. I am a very solitary person but that's different.

I don't have much, as I wrote previously, due to an investment scam of huge proportions. What I do have and don't need (because we live very simply) goes out to those near and dear (and some not so near) in two forms: loans and gifts.

The loans need to be paid back as planned or it is the last loan. (No one has ever defaulted and I've been doing this for 60 years.) Payback is fully discussed and agreed upon in advance. The loans can, under dire circumstances, be renegotiated but they have to be fully retired. I don't charge anyone interest unless I have to borrow the money to loan it, which rarely happens. There is never any paperwork.

For those who are not in a position to pay me back, I never set up a loan and create further problems. The money goes out to them as a gift and that is clearly understood on both ends so we can both be comfortable.

I just got a $2,000. IRS refund. I don't believe in putting excess money someplace on a shelf if someone needs it. And someone did. Last year I donated $2,500. to see that a young friend who has never had a break that I know of could go to Ireland and run in a marathon.

I have separate savings that my son is in charge of. A just-in-case fund for whatever might be needed when my 98 year-old DH leaves and I have to adjust to living on $1,600. a month; new tires, etc.  $70,000. By agreement with my son, none of it can be loaned out or given as gifts...for his peace of mind.  ;D

It seems to me that if we all wrote about our personal finances, as I just have in the attempt to offer an example, we would find as many philosophies as we have members. I'm definitely not suggesting that anyone do that. What I have written is to illustrate how personalized our approach to money is.

I currently have an excess of $1,000. and I feel rich. A close relative has multi-millions and feels poor. He's very anxious...I'm just fine.  Isn't that interesting?  ???

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 16, 2010, 09:48:18 AM
Thanks, Creme.  After reading your words, I feel like I have a lot of explaining to do. Our DS moved out on his own at 21 years of age. He has worked under my husband's supervision (at a company we do not own) for 14 years.  DH works in an office, but DS works out in the field.  Their paths do cross regularly, but I rarely see or hear from DS.  When he began dating DIL, he was 25 years old and broke it off with her after about 6-9 months because he said that she was "mean".  DS told me that she literally came crying back to him and the rest is history.  And you are right about DIL coming from a dysfunctional family - lots of professed alcoholism - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles.  That was a concern of mine before they married, but it was not our decision to make.  We were told many times by DIL before they were married that she couldn't stand her only sibling - which I found very sad.  We have not tried to tell DS what to do in their relationship or otherwise - we stay out of their business.  My reference to our financial support was meant as evidence that we are kind to them because they are important to us - and we have told them how much we love them and how much we want them in our lives.  We did not offer any suggestions about their wedding - we did not expect anything in return for our contribution - the guests had no idea we helped out.  Furthermore, we have never made mention to DIL/DS of our contribution since.  We have offered our help with home projects (painting, remodeling), but we do not offer advice.  We do not go over their house uninvited.  As far as 1/3 of our life savings - it was to help them with their infertility, which was a long expensive process.  It is not a loan - rather a gift that we openly gave with the verbal understanding that we do not expect to be given any special GP priviledges - or anything else in return.  Our hearts just broke watching them go through the torture of not being able to be parents.  I have told myself over and over, "don't expect any phone calls from them, don't expect them to pick up the phone when I call them, don't expect a return call from my messages, don't expect any visits from them, etc.".  Believe me, all of us - me, DH, OD, YD - all walk on eggshells around DIL.  DIL refused to speak to our younger daughter for six months once because of something our YD innocently said that offended DIL.  DIL has been hurtful to our OD as well. I have had to use all my self control not to make a pest of myself.  In early January they did accept a dinner invitation from us which was a nice surprise and it went very well.  I left a couple messages for DS since, but did not get a response.  My husband and I are not wealthy, we are not retired, and we work full time.  DS is working full time, but DIL has had the workplace blues.  Over the time we have known her (7 years), she has worked six different places and is currently a hair dresser, renting out space that is costing her more than she is earning.  (Her business is slow so she only works part time, but rents full time.)  I agree that I have put pressure on my DS/DIL about getting together to do things with the family.  Just asking them to get together with us was putting pressure on them - I didn't beg, use guilt trips, or anything like that.  I just wanted them to join us b/c I felt like the family was fractured w/o them, but since I have backed off.  I had to learn the hard way that they didn't share my desire about our family closeness.  They do enjoy close friendships with DS's faternal cousins though since there are many around his age.  My expectations?  I just always assumed that our children would be close to the family b/c that's the way both our extended families are.  I never imagined that DS would be unkind to me, not answer my calls or visit.  Before DS was married, we never had words or tension.  He never turned down an invitation to get together without a good reason.  Now his hugs are at a distance and only pats on the back - boy, do I miss those bear hugs!  Now at times he uses a disgusted tone in his voice when he talks to me.  What are my expectations?  Nothing.  Nothing.  What are my wishes?  An occassional call, visit, bear hug, answer to my call.  His genuine concern for us - ask how we are doing.  I can't speak on their expectations - they have never stated them.
I really want to be a better M/MIL, so I have to be honest here.  I have made other mistakes.  I made a comment once that they never get together with my side of the family - only my husband's extended family.  At Christmas when my DS gave me a distant patting hug, I told him that I wanted a "real" hug, which didn't go over well.  When my DIL had a surprise bday party for DS and we were asked to help out, we put a lot of effort into what she needed.  But before the party, she took real offense when I innocently asked her if she wanted me to clean her back door window where their dogs had smeared mud all over it.  That is the only time she ever sounded angry to my face.  I realize that she was very stressed, but honestly I was just trying to help her to get ready for a house full of guests.  I think I've done wrong by persistantly asking them to participate in family get togethers.  Also, DIL was introduced to our family when OD was in a very bad marriage.  I shared with DIL some of the mean things that OD's husband was doing/saying.  DIL knew how much I wanted to see OD out of that unhealthy marriage and I realize now that that was a big mistake.   One of my biggest problems is that I talk too much.  I need to work on that. 
I just read Luise's reply and I appreciate her input. What a huge heart she has!!!!!!!! I have to admit that that is another area that I am weak.  I am NOT generous.  It may sound like I am, but really I'm not generous like Luise is.  We gave DS money toward their wedding b/c we decided to give to all our children equally in that respect, boy or girl.  I had to think long and hard before agreeing to give such a large portion of our life savings to the fertility cause.  Three different members of my DH's family have borrowed money from us and have NOT paid it back and never will.  I refuse to loan money to them another time.  None of them were out of work or had a real emergency.  One wanted to invest, one was just irresponsibie, one wanted money for a big wedding.  No reason to not repay us - just irresponsibility.
Thanks for trying to be honest with me and help me.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on February 16, 2010, 10:36:10 AM
Hello Hope, thanks for coming back, I was worried that I scared you off, or put you in a position where you felt you had to defend yourself...that wasn't my intent, it's just easier, to know more of the story, and to help each other understand the how's and why's, and now I do...so thanks so very much....

I understand everything you say...and feel...we are a problem solving support group of women who have been through almost the same scenarios...you will find, if you haven't already, by reading our testimony's that the DIL's whom we have trouble with have the same type of character's either b/c they were given everything they wanted, or came from dysfunctional families.  I wish more of them would realize they're shortcomings, rather then set off to blame MIL for everything...

You were not wrong in trying to help your DIL, however, the only reason I know this, is by reading on other DIL sites...and sometimes, you have to have a very strong stomach to do that...so I wouldn't suggest it for everyone...

Hope, when you were trying to help your DIL, by suggesting to clean her window, she took it as a huge disgrace, that you were suggesting that she is a bad housewife/cleaner....I know and you know, you didn't mean it that way, however, when you do that to someone who is insecure, that is how they are going to take it.

I've read where DIL's say, they absolutely hate it when they're MIL's come to visit, b/c they're MIL's rearrange they're kitchen cabinets, or clean for them....it makes them feel insufficent and like we don't approve.  Again, please know, you were not wrong, and your intent was helpful...however, a young, insecure woman, is going to take everything we do as an insult, or like we're purposely trying to demean them. 

The rest of what you said, I do understand....if it helps, things got so bad between my DIL and I, that I actually feared showing my son any attention...and maybe, your DIL, is constantly complaining about how much attention he shows you, that she has conditioned him to feel uncomfortable to love you...my son has done the same thing...once, he met me at the airport and there was no hug, nothing...and I was shocked....but realized, she was probably complaining all week long about me coming...I didn't get it, until it was way to late, that I wasn't welcome in they're home.  I was in denial, and constantly kept telling myself, we're going to work this out, and the harder I tried, the more she hated me...and the more she tried to leave me know, I was not welcome there....I knew, in my heart, she was looking for ammunition to cut me off completely, and she has...what exactly it is, I don't know or don't care...what I do know is, a caring person, doesn't do that...and what we mother's worry about so much, even though we haven't come to terms with it....is...that if our DIL's treat us that way, to the point of cutting us off, making our son's feel embarrassed of us, or afraid to show us affection, well, that is not love, and we know, in our hearts, that our DIL's cannot really love our sons.  My DIL never had love, how can you give, what you've never known.  All she knows, is that she never had anyone love her before, therefore, he is her's and her's alone.

Hope I really am sorry if I was to blunt, or seemed cold hearted, I am only concerned with helping each other here understand...sometimes by understanding better, we can help ourselves which in turn may help the DIL...however, my experiences are not yours...yours are not mine...there are differences....and yet, so much alike in many ways...

I'm sorry you and your family are made to deal with this heartbreak....and all I can offer you is, love and support...even if, it's something that is hard for you to hear....however, in your situation, I fear, there is not much you can do, but back off...and hope your son and she get the idea.

You see, women who estrange they're husband's from family are doing it for several reasons...

they cut off they're husband's network of support....so they are the only influence...
They fear they're husbands love us more then them, what they don't understand is, they're husbands love them more, in a different way....
They think if they cut us out of they're lives, they gain full control
They are insecure and afraid....and by controlling they're husbands in this way, it assures them of attention, which they are in great need of...
They hate us, b/c we are not they're mothers, they don't understand the love between a mother and child because they never had it....so,it's weird to them, and I've seen where some DIL's call they're husband's mamas boys...b/c they talk to they're mothers...and on and on...my point is...Hope, they are from a whole different culture then we are...they don't understand closeness of family...they never had it...and they want they're husband's all to themselves....as well as they're children...

A loving, mature, healthy woman, understands the need for people to have interations with friends, family etc.  She also does not understand, the more role models in they're children's lives, gives they're children more potential...they do not see they're selfishness as a flaw, but more in they're own minds, self preservation....if that makes any sense....

thanks for coming back and sharing....that is what we're here for....and I hope, if you see me saying or doing something wrong, you'll tell me...I don't want to hurt anyone, the way I've been hurt...however, and this is no excuse, but I grew up with all boys in my neighborhood, which is why I guess I come off so cut and dry...but believe me, I am trying to change that....

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 16, 2010, 10:43:19 AM
Hope,
This is all about her. Her unhappiness and her, her, her.  There isn't anything you can do at all that I can see.  I know how hard this is and believe me, the grief can be overwhelming.

I'd suggest no more inviting at all.  So sad!  She's miserable (probably because of not having child or other reasons, unless I missed that one)  As long as she's miserable, he's miserable.

My son broke off with DIL too before they married.  She treated a store clerk rudely, he said he couldn't tolerate that.  I said, "Thank God" to him.  I am certain that after she wined and dined me to make him come back, he told her what I said.

So, there you go with me.  OUT OUT OUT.  Hang in there and wait them out.  She's likely treating him with the same disrespect she was at first.  He doesn't want you to know or see it.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 16, 2010, 11:22:17 AM
Thanks, Creme and Chickie, for your support.  It feels great to talk to others that really understand the pain.  At least I can look forward to seeing BS on occassion - strained as it may be.  You give me strength to pull back - I will not initiate contact.  However, we will be getting together for my and YD bday in a couple weeks and my daughters and I will be planning a baby shower for DIL in late spring.  We usually see BS/DIL on Easter as well, but when we see them it's always a large gathering and we usually don't say more than a few words to eachother.   Do you think it best for me to be more reserved and wait for them to initiate conversation at these occassions?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on February 16, 2010, 11:39:22 AM
Yup, misery loves company.... ::)
Hope, one thing I found is, that these woman, take away the identity of our son's...they are no longer people we raised...they compromise they're identities to be who they think they're wives want, to keep peace...and, I found myself doing the same around her...they are so intimidating...you feel like your walking on egg shells...do you find that? 

I would say, and perhaps I'm wrong, is, don't be who you are not to pleae them.  Continue being who you are....regardless of how you are, she is going to find something wrong...believe me..they're whole purpose in life is to make your son believe you are a bad person....while I don't believe they succeed, our son's feel they have to go along with it, to keep peace, they do what is best for them.

If someone would ahve told me, years ago, that this was going to happen, I'd have said, "No Way"....however, I now know, my son's father and step mother were right about her....and I was wrong...I used to defend her...for a long time...so, don't trade your values, b/c peace at all costs, is no peace at all....

hugs and lots of prayers sent your way
Creme
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 16, 2010, 11:42:13 AM
Good points, Creme...but, I do think mine have become exactly what and who their wives are, right down to how they feel.  Unbelievable!!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on February 16, 2010, 12:59:02 PM
Keep your thoughts with us. We're a Safe Deposit Box!   ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 16, 2010, 01:01:16 PM
Will someone please give us the permission to be human?  I mean it seems when we're MILs, we lose that ability.

Hope, don't beat yourself up for every little thing you said and did.  I've been there, going over and over every detail of what I might have said in my head till it nearly drove me crazy.  It doesn't do any good...just hurts us further.

We're human and we don't know where the DILs are coming from half the time.  We don't know their territory so we're going to make MISTAKES and say things we shouldn't. 

I think you're doing very well and I commend you!!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 17, 2010, 02:43:18 AM
Thanks, Chickie, Luise, and Anna.  I found a safe place to share.  I just wanted everyone to know that I was off work Monday for the holiday and Tuesday due to our severe snow, but today I'm back to work, then I have a class tonight.  Tomorrow I'm working a 13 hour day, so I won't be back for a few days.  I'll be thinking of what everyone wrote.  Thanks again.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on February 17, 2010, 04:56:10 AM
Hope, we all talk to much sometimes, however, when it's done out of concern for a person, I don't think that is quit as bad as passing on unreliable gossip....this is happening to you and it hurts bad....and you need to vent....and as you said, you were all worried...so, you did your best at the time....another one of life's lessons....

Perhaps when your together, you could tell them, "Yanno, when this first came about, I was worried, however, you proved me wrong, and I'm thankful for that"  Sometime when the time is right, give them a complement...in front of everyone?  I don't think we do that enough, I think we as human  beings should give more credit to those we know....and love...look for the positive in them....including myself.

Hugs and love
Creme

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 19, 2010, 06:34:33 PM
All good thoughts, Creme.  I'll look for the opportunity to drop a compliment or two their way.  One thing I've done with my SIL is make sure I talk friendly to him in front of large groups to show my approval of him.  And I'm going to try to make my tongue behave.  I'll work on it.  Thanks for your input - it means a lot.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 19, 2010, 06:43:46 PM
Hi Hope!
I don't know how I missed welcoming you!  One of my daughter's names is Hope!  I love it! 

I have to agree with the other women here.  We are all human and sometimes we trip over our words.  Explaining to them the situation (as you saw it at the time) may help them to understand the comments made, and then following the explanation with Creme's wonderful suggestion of a compliment may be just what they need from you! 

I don't see that you're doing anything wrong here!  I hope you will keep us posted!

Take care! :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 21, 2010, 09:06:36 AM
Coco,
Thanks for the warm welcome.  I have enjoyed reading all your other posts on various topics very much - I feel like we're already friends.  You along with the other women amaze me with your wisdom and graciousness. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 09:15:39 AM
Thanks Hope!  I think we are already friends too.  We already have a common interest - this site! ;D ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 09:19:46 AM
P.S.- Hope, your wisdom and compassion is there!  Just start responding like you are and writing it down.  You will be surprised what it does for you and what you know that you just didn't see about yourself!  I think we have that and it's a special kind of person who is drawn to this site here.

You're already writing.  You'll see!  You belong here - it's in your name! ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 21, 2010, 08:09:20 PM
Coco,
I love your encouragement.  You are a beautiful person.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on February 21, 2010, 08:23:36 PM
Old Saying I just made up: "She's an old friend I just met." ;)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on February 21, 2010, 08:35:50 PM
Good friend,
I love your new old saying.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Carolina Gal on February 28, 2010, 03:33:53 AM
If someone would have asked me if my son would ever behave the way I have seen the last couple of months, I would have emphatically said no!  I think his heart is gone and I could never have imagined the coldhearted and souless being I now see.  I also worry about the pressure he must be under with her ravings and rantings.  A mother never really stops being concerned about her child's welfare....Seems odd that I should care when he could care less.  Yes I think the DIL sole purpose is to convince him of what an awful person I am and he is blind as a bat to her intentions.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 28, 2010, 06:13:14 AM
Hi Carolina!  Wow!  You have really left some great posts today!

I went through a similar thing with my son and DIL.  They finally separated and he ended up living with me (for now).  When he first moved in, I was elated - she wouldn't even let me talk to him and I got to actually talk to him AND get his answers (not hers).  I wasn't even able to talk to him over the phone, because she could hear the conversation and I would hear her telling him what to say everytime I asked him something (there was an echo effect to our conversations).  LOL!

I never would have wished separation, but I have to admit at first I was secretly happy, because I could have whole conversations with him!  I want to tell you that we also had a conversation about this subject.  He said he loves me and always had, but she was his wife and he had to make sure she was happy (I read between the lines from my experience).  I don't know if they will work things out, so I don't press these conversations too much, but I hope this helps you in some small way.

I believe he still loves you with all his heart!

Hang in there and take care!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on February 28, 2010, 08:23:18 AM
Carolina, I feel your pain. Coco, thanks for the uplifting post!

DS has been walking the fine line himself since he married. He's spoken up once or twice and DIL acts nicer around us, but I still sense his reluctance to show how much he loves us in front of her. She's made it clear how she feels. It's good to hear what your DS said when he 'crossed back over from the other side,' Coco! I have to believe that it's DIL causing problems for him, and he just wants to follow his vows as best he can. That's honorable, and I'm proud of him for that. A few days ago he called and was very brusque, just passing along info I needed and then said goodby. Before he could hang up I quickly told him I wanted to catch up since we don't get to talk much anymore. There was a moment's hesitation and then we talked for quite awhile. He called later with more news. So, there is hope, Carolina. I agree with Coco.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Marilyn on February 28, 2010, 12:42:31 PM
Carolina,i have had the same thing happen with my son,and felt the same way you do.That was 6 yrs ago,and finally things are looking up.He called me this morning,i got to talk to my two GC and him for almost an hour.He told me he would start calling me on a weekly basis.And they are planning on coming to see me this spring.I hope he follows thru.
I'm sure your son is under a lot of pressure,and he does love you.He is struggling to cope with your DIL's issue's.Our DIL's do try to make us look like we are awful people.I have learned not to react to the nonsense,and it took me a while to get there.It takes us all by surprise,and we give them ammo with out realizing it.The things my DIL did,and her mother,who was the biggest instigator of all........still blows me away.But i feel by not reacting,and it took all i had, it was very painful,it is slowly turning in my favor.
You know in your heart,and God knows, what kind of person you are,thats all that really matters.

sending you a hug
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 28, 2010, 01:13:18 PM
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 28, 2010, 12:42:31 PM
Carolina,i have had the same thing happen with my son,and felt the same way you do.That was 6 yrs ago,and finally things are looking up.He called me this morning,i got to talk to my two GC and him for almost an hour.He told me he would start calling me on a weekly basis.And they are planning on coming to see me this spring.I hope he follows thru.
I'm sure your son is under a lot of pressure,and he does love you.He is struggling to cope with your DIL's issue's.Our DIL's do try to make us look like we are awful people.I have learned not to react to the nonsense,and it took me a while to get there.It takes us all by surprise,and we give them ammo with out realizing it.The things my DIL did,and her mother,who was the biggest instigator of all........still blows me away.But i feel by not reacting,and it took all i had, it was very painful,it is slowly turning in my favor.
You know in your heart,and God knows, what kind of person you are,thats all that really matters.

sending you a hug
I agree!  It's really hard not to react sometimes but it's good strategy, or seems to be.  My son didn't know I felt that way until he moved in when they first separated.  I remember the first time I talked to him about it, he looked like deer in the headlights!  LOL!  He did get to talk later though, but said he didn't know I felt that way!  HAHAHA!  I guess I was a pretty good piece of furniture! :-X  It sounds to me like you are very realistic about your situation.  I think he loves you!  I know you love him! :)

By the way, good for you Mominwaiting!  I'm crossing my fingers that he keeps to his promise and follows through!  This will help make spring special!

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on February 28, 2010, 03:13:12 PM
I think deep down our sons love us. I know my son is a very sensitive person and he misses us but he's not allowed to show it, our dils think it 's a sign of wickness.
Mominwaiting, I'm very happy for you and hope it all works out.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 28, 2010, 03:56:57 PM
I believe you're right, guest1.  I didn't know it until my son came back to live with me after their separation.  They do love us all, but they are making their wives happy!  This is at least what was in my son's head...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Carolina Gal on February 28, 2010, 04:20:25 PM
Mom in Waiting - Thanks for the prospect of hope.  I waver from feeling like I need to face the worst to praying desperately for improvement.  I think it is necessary for me to face the very worst to deal with the pain.  I feel if I can face total estrangement, I can move on and probably have a less emotional reaction to it all.  My younger son called today.  He is so comical - yet so very warm,  sincere and caring.  Though I do not want him to worry, I think he is trying to make up for what his older brother is doing - he has been calling more lately. He is convinced that my older son has simply "lost his balls" - that he just needs to "man up" and not let his wife make such a bad mistake.  He says he saw my DIL's real self before I did.  We are thinking she put up a really good front until she married and after my grand-daughter was born.  It was a good laugh as we let ourselves be crude and silly.  As funny as it was, it may be a valid answer to the problem.  I appreciated his "to the point" perspective to this situation.
Also, I am trying not to react.  It is hard because I am basically a very honest person and truly believe that no relationship can be healthy without  a lot of honesty.  Sometimes being diplomatic can become borderline dishonest and manipulative.
Loving your mother is a strength rather than a weakness.  Did these young women receive any "raising" or did their growth just take the way of weeds!
Thanks also CoCo. Again I really appreciate you guys.  I am trying to get through this without therapy-relying on advice I gained from past pain and difficulties. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on February 28, 2010, 05:05:52 PM
Carolina, you are so precious.  I can't help but to think that your younger son is right, even in his comical way and I can hope for you that your older son finds those balls.  If your younger son can influence him at all I would believe he would be willing to "help in the search."  He seems to love you and I agree, is possibly concerned about how you are being treated and trying, in his own way, to make up for that hurt you are feeling!  That is something to be proud of!  I think you did a very good job raising that son of yours, and if it were me, I would lean toward him and give the older son some room to see his mistake!

Keep us posted here and don't forget we are here if you need us!  We certainly need you! :)

In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Marilyn on February 28, 2010, 06:40:45 PM
guest1,Thank you so much,i am really hoping things work out, and we can have a loving, better functioning relationship....not just for me,but every one of us here.


Carolina,i agree you have to be honest to have a healthy relationship.Controlling people aren't emotionally healthy though,until they work thru their own issues it's hopeless.So by not reacting,or not letting them see they are getting to you,gives you some power.You are able to detach and not let their behavior affect you.It's hard to do,but with time you do get a lot stronger.

I agree with Coco,i would lean towards your younger son,and give the other son room to see his mistake.And he really does love you,it's just like Coco's son said,he wanted to make his wife happy.Our sons know our love is unconditional,they dont worry about losing us.They do take us for granted too.


Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 01, 2010, 05:05:59 PM
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 28, 2010, 06:40:45 PM
Carolina,i agree you have to be honest to have a healthy relationship.Controlling people aren't emotionally healthy though,until they work thru their own issues it's hopeless.So by not reacting,or not letting them see they are getting to you,gives you some power.You are able to detach and not let their behavior affect you.It's hard to do,but with time you do get a lot stronger.

Such good advice Mominwaiting.  I have learned that when I can look past someone who is controlling, and find my own happiness it seems to turn the tables on them.  Their behavior doesn't affect me and you're right - I become alot stronger as time passes and I put their behavior aside.  It's not always easy to do.  Just worth the effort.  I have watched other's bad behavior come back to slap them in that process.  Like my DIL.  I would have never wished what happen to her, but she made her bed and now is trying to make a new one from scratch.  I hope alot healthier one this time.  It's sad, but it is very true.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 05:19:05 PM
Missed you during the day today, C/C. How was your first day at work?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 01, 2010, 05:33:38 PM
Thank you Luise, it was hard.  I sit at a computer all day.  I'm an Intelligence Annotator.  I've done it before.  I forgot how exhausting it is.  I remember now!  The man I was working for is someone I've worked before.  It's a good job for a temp, and looks very impressive on my resume.  That's a good thing.  I'm not complaining.

I missed you too! :(
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 06:53:01 PM
Oh, that makes my eyes ache and my head swim!  :o
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: MONICAE on March 08, 2010, 08:51:04 AM
I am a DIL and I felt compelled to comments because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been married for 10 years have 3
beautiful children. the first impression i get as a DIL is that the money situation may be a strong factor as to why he is "pushing" away.  Have there honestly been times in which you or your husband have said or given your son and his wife a reason to feel slighted? if you're mentioning the money or making comments as if they owe you 'family time' because you have helped them out (which is very admirable) then that would be expected to push away. in my situation my husbands mother has some health issues that have stopped her from earning income so they depend on us a lot to help pay bills, buy food and buy medical supplies. this is not an issue though the issue is they expect us to come over 2-3 times a week and it's just not feesable with our growing family. we both work Full time jobs, have a son in soccer and a daughter in choir we are very busy during the course of the week and when we aren't we enjoy family time spent at home. they have begun to gossip about our lack of 'concern' for his mother's health to anyone that will listen and it is very upsetting and heartbreaking that family would do that. i pray that your situation will work out for the best for all parties and that you all will accept your boundaries. good luck.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on March 08, 2010, 02:04:48 PM
Quote from: MONICAE on March 08, 2010, 08:51:04 AM
I am a DIL and I felt compelled to comments because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been married for 10 years have 3
beautiful children. the first impression i get as a DIL is that the money situation may be a strong factor as to why he is "pushing" away.  Have there honestly been times in which you or your husband have said or given your son and his wife a reason to feel slighted? if you're mentioning the money or making comments as if they owe you 'family time' because you have helped them out (which is very admirable) then that would be expected to push away. in my situation my husbands mother has some health issues that have stopped her from earning income so they depend on us a lot to help pay bills, buy food and buy medical supplies. this is not an issue though the issue is they expect us to come over 2-3 times a week and it's just not feesable with our growing family. we both work Full time jobs, have a son in soccer and a daughter in choir we are very busy during the course of the week and when we aren't we enjoy family time spent at home. they have begun to gossip about our lack of 'concern' for his mother's health to anyone that will listen and it is very upsetting and heartbreaking that family would do that. i pray that your situation will work out for the best for all parties and that you all will accept your boundaries. good luck.

hello and welcome...I enjoyed reading your post...and you my friend are to be commended, as I read no resentment in your voice at all...just understanding and compassion....

It's so nice to hear feedback from a DIL like yourself...thank you
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on March 08, 2010, 05:14:08 PM
Quote from: MONICAE on March 08, 2010, 08:51:04 AM
I am a DIL and I felt compelled to comments because your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been married for 10 years have 3
beautiful children. the first impression i get as a DIL is that the money situation may be a strong factor as to why he is "pushing" away.  Have there honestly been times in which you or your husband have said or given your son and his wife a reason to feel slighted? if you're mentioning the money or making comments as if they owe you 'family time' because you have helped them out (which is very admirable) then that would be expected to push away. in my situation my husbands mother has some health issues that have stopped her from earning income so they depend on us a lot to help pay bills, buy food and buy medical supplies. this is not an issue though the issue is they expect us to come over 2-3 times a week and it's just not feesable with our growing family. we both work Full time jobs, have a son in soccer and a daughter in choir we are very busy during the course of the week and when we aren't we enjoy family time spent at home. they have begun to gossip about our lack of 'concern' for his mother's health to anyone that will listen and it is very upsetting and heartbreaking that family would do that. i pray that your situation will work out for the best for all parties and that you all will accept your boundaries. good luck.

MONICAE,
Thanks for your reply.  I agree with Creme - I commend you for your compassion and understanding as well.  What lucky in-laws you have!  I remember those extremely busy years when our three children were young and active.  I really wished I hadn't mentioned the gifts we gave our DS/DIL in my original post.  It has really given the wrong impression.  I understand why some readers felt that the money was the issue, but with all honesty I only mentioned the money to demonstrate that we are very good to them.  I am being totally accurate when I say that we never mentioned to DS/DIL the gifts or money given to them and don't ask for anything in return.  It may help to read my reply to Creme shortly after my opening post.  Actually, this website has really helped me see that what we are going through with our DS/DIL's distance is not that uncommon when son's marry and there are a lot of MIL's out there going through so much worse.  I truly feel for the MIL's on this site that are suffering (and DIL's such as yourself).   
Hugs to all, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on March 13, 2010, 04:52:10 AM
Quote from: cocobars on March 01, 2010, 05:33:38 PM
Thank you Luise, it was hard.  I sit at a computer all day.  I'm an Intelligence Annotator.  I've done it before.  I forgot how exhausting it is.  I remember now!  The man I was working for is someone I've worked before.  It's a good job for a temp, and looks very impressive on my resume.  That's a good thing.  I'm not complaining.

I missed you too! :(
Coco - Would you mind sharing what an Intelligence Annotator is?  It sounds very interesting. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 13, 2010, 09:42:22 AM
Yes, Coco...is your job in surveillance...noting what/who needs to be checked out? I don't have a clue.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 14, 2010, 05:41:56 AM
Luise, yes it is.  This is what I can tell you about my job, as it is also public knowledge and I believe it has been aired on the discovery channel.  I go through survellience tapes and identify certain activities on the clips by cars/trucks/people/even doors.  Mainly movement, but activities like digging or carrying a shovel, and some others I won't go into.  I mark the tapes in the exact spot where activity begins and ends and we have software made for this program, called Viper software.  You've seen the old President Kennedy assasination tapes (maybe on the news) that have boxes drawn around people in them hopefully (where one person has been watched frame by frame).  Those people have been carefully watched on those tapes (or clips we call them).  Every little visible movement has been annotated in each frame.  We can watch a crowded scene and annotate every person in the crowd, noting what they are doing at every mili-second in the clip, unless their actions are occluded by someone or something. 

The clips I am going through are taken from an unmanned aircraft called the Predator drone.  It has some pretty high powered camera equipment on board and is small and light enough to fly above the clouds, undetected, but the camera's are so powerful that even though it is flying above the clouds, it picks up the people on the ground who have no idea it is there (they can't hear the engine or see it).  It has missles that are extremely accurate!  A fly could be fired on with complete accuracy (if you could see him through the camera although a fly is too little to pick up)!  This "Predator" is flown by a pilot who is sitting in an office at a computer.  The fighter pilots don't have to leave the country and be at risk.  They go to an office and fly these unmanned planes from offices, then go back home after work (just like everyone else!  HA!).

I will see if I can find out from my boss, this Discovery Channel airing and post it so you can watch.  It's really interesting...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on March 14, 2010, 07:35:25 AM
Coco, that WAS very interesting - you didn't disappoint.  I can see how exhausting a job like that could be, yet as you said "impressive on a resume".  I didn't know the aircraft you are surveying, Predator drone, even existed, but it is mind boggling!   The women on this site are wise in all kinds of ways.   ;) 
Speaking from the heart, thanks for all the encouragement you have given me and so many others.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 14, 2010, 07:43:10 AM
Oh Hope.  I've been watching you too!  I believe you have so much to offer out to this site and the women who need you!  Your wording and compassion has a "far" reach.  That's important!

Thank you for being here!

P.S. - I've sent an email to my boss, asking for that URL (discovery channel).  I'll post as soon as I can, but if I don't send that, I'll forget!  HAHAHA!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 10:32:06 AM
Wow! No wonder you're wiped out when you get home! So, what is some  of your background regarding education and career history that brought you to that kind of work? (Ignore: if inappropriate, of course.) PING!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 14, 2010, 11:24:56 AM
Luise, thank you.  This is something that just "fell into my lap."  I did not really have the credentials I needed.  I worked selling homes for a builder when I first moved up here, then went and took a real estate class and passed the tests to become licensed, did that for awhile.  The market was too slow and I ended up barely breaking even, so I had to quit when some RE fee's came up that I didn't have the money for.  I went and applied at a temp agency, and passed their tests.  They sent me on several "regular" temp jobs in offices and for attorneys,  then I got a call one day from my "temp" bosses boss, asking how my background was.  I said fine!  He asked me if I would be interested in a government position if I passed the background check and they would pay for my secret security clearance.  I already knew those clearances are expensive and open more "job" doors, so I jumped at in, filling in all the paperwork.  It took a little time to go through, but they put me to work in another area while we waited, with a regular government clearance, which I believe is just a background check or clearance.

I had no training and have been trained and picked all of it up from the boss (about my son's age).  He's a brilliant man.  He was telling me one day when I was still new and learning, that this job usually requires a master's degree.  I got the impression the companies are saving money by finding temps to do allot of jobs that are usually high paying, because he said the job typically pays somewhere around 6 figures and will be good for anyone's resume.  The fact that he gave me a letter of personal reference when I left is even better.  Of course, he called me back in but for a different group doing the same work. 

Anyway, I do not have the credentials, but I have the experience and references now.  I'm not sure that means I'll be paid the money, but I feel it's very lucky (or I believe blessed).  I believe God takes you in directions sometimes that you don't always expect, because my dreams of what I need are not always what God "knows" I need, and sometimes as you Luise say, "from those dark places, miracles are born!"  I believe only God could have put me in the right place in time to work at a job I liked, without the education needed, especially in this tough job market.  You just never know and are not in control, but I go with the flow and the flow has been good, even if I'm not a permanent employee making those big bucks.  I'm still seeing interesting - which is allot this day and age, with so many people bored or working jobs they don't like.  I don't know where this will lead, but so far, I'm amazed...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 11:39:59 AM
Fascinating!! Thank you! I firmly believe that when we pray..."Thy will be done" it can leave a us a lot of room. We tend to dream small. Some pray for "This or something better"  or "Hey, you know...surprise me!" :-) Again, not knowing is a great door opener! Look at you!  ;D ;D

I did Real Estate, too, but times were too good and I was making money I didn't need and had no time for myself.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 12:04:12 PM
Yes, I would have stayed in it if I'd been single and could have been "married" to it but I had a life. That was over 30 years ago.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 14, 2010, 12:29:47 PM
It is definately a "time hog."  You must have been in it at a good time.  Unfortunately, I wasn't.  But that's ok.  I think it was fun and I have good memories of it.  I did notice that so many people were "married" to it, but when it started getting into my family and privat time, I just put my private time on the calendar.  It was an appointment too!  I got that advice from another agent who was doing really well, but had been in the business for awhile.  They said it was the only way to have private time.  Put yourself on your schedule and when someone wants that particular time schedule around it, you're booked!  HA!  I thought it was great advice and worked for me.  I just couldn't wait for the market... :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 12:43:38 PM
I tried that but I'd get a call and felt I had to answer it in case it was a family member...and then the person would say, "We've decided to take it. Can you come right over?" That even happened in the middle of the night! People were coming into the office that I'd never met and asking for me while refusing to talk with anyone else...and people were asking me to find property for them and write it up without seeing it. No room to breathe!

Bad timing for me, too! My then-husband found himself someone else and left me...the big baby. I see him now and then because we are friends with him and with his wife (the other woman) and I always look upward and say..."Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: RedRose on March 14, 2010, 01:49:20 PM
I also was in real estate from about 1991-2000. It about took over my life.
Weekends and evenings were the busy times. I had no personal time and my children needed me. Sometimes I had to bring my son along to showings. I learned to schedule me time into a calender too. I could not stand the fees and extra costs...so I just stopped when I moved and of course I didn't know the area well.



Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 02:21:18 PM
Isn't that interesting? My kids were grown and gone and I was a grandmother. My then-husband was doing well and willing to carry me until I built up my momentum...which happened way too fast. (And, of course, I found out later that he had a sweetie on the side and loved the freedom that my hours gave him.)

I used to say that if I was ever a widow, I'd be back...but I think it would have been too intense for me even then.
No matter how I scheduled stuff...my life was always way out of balance

Some RE people that are successful just love the pace...and some fail at it and just sit at their desk all day. Strange.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cocobars on March 14, 2010, 03:32:49 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 02:21:18 PM
Isn't that interesting? My kids were grown and gone and I was a grandmother. My then-husband was doing well and willing to carry me until I built up my momentum...which happened way too fast. (And, of course, I found out later that he had a sweetie on the side and loved the freedom that my hours gave him.)

I used to say that if I was ever a widow, I'd be back...but I think it would have been too intense for me even then.
No matter how I scheduled stuff...my life was always way out of balance

Some RE people that are successful just love the pace...and some fail at it and just sit at their desk all day. Strange.
I saw those people who sat and did nothing.  How do you suppose they paid their bills?  I thought, if I'm having trouble in this market, how are they doing, but then I saw some of them leaving in front of me.  I stuck it out for a year, and one of the friends I had ther told me it would take about 3 years in this market before you started making any money.  That discouraged me and I was gone soon after.

I did great selling homes for a builder.  that's why I went into RE.  The builder (K. Hovnanian who is more well known on the eastcoast down to SC), put me at their highest profile site and I was selling about 6 homes a month (avg.) at about 500-900 thou per home.  I got a big head and wanted bigger and better things (big mistake), so I thought well, if I'm doing this good, then I'll go into business for myself.  That was right at the cusp of the huge price drops.  I talked to a friend last week, who told me the houses there (where I was working) are going for about 300 thou now.  It's still money, it's just not the same comission as RE.  The builders pay about 1%.  RE can pay anywhere from 4% and up.  Silly me, that's all I saw...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on March 14, 2010, 06:04:10 PM
Lessons come in all shapes and sizes don't they? I know that I learned that I was worth more than a big pile of money. Nice to know! 8)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cadagi101 on June 24, 2010, 04:47:41 PM
Hi, I feel like you are a dear friend.  It is comforting to know someone else feels the way I do .
at the same time though I really feel your pain and heartache.
My reply is a long time after your post as I have only just joined.   I am so keen to know how things are going with you.   I have some issues with my son also which I wil
post at a later date.  I also say thankheavens for girls,  I do believe in my situation my sons dreadful  disrespect towards me tainted them somewhat.  As they get older I am sure my girls and I will have a good
relationship.  My girls are 18 and 14.  My son is 20.     
Good luck, please post back.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on June 24, 2010, 06:20:56 PM
Welcome, Julia!  Im so glad you found this healing place.
This forum has helped me better understand the dynamics of adult mother/son relationships and has helped me to heal in a lot of ways.  I just love the women here!  I know there will be a lot of challenges and heartaches ahead, but my expectations have changed especially after reading posts written here from dil's.  It made me realize that my innocent actions and comments may have been taken as demanding or inconsiderate.  I have also accepted that it is best if I let them come to me - even if it means I don't see or hear from them at all.  Our ds/dil are expecting their first child and our first grandchild next month!  I'm bracing myself for possible emotional moments and longing for a baby who may not be as accessible to us as we are hoping. 
Sounds like your situation is very similar to ours.  Our ds is 21 months older than our od and 7 years older than our yd.  I was grateful when our ds decided to move out of the house at 21 years old b/c he wasn't respecting our house rules and I didn't want him to set a bad example for his younger sisters.  I still felt that we had a good relationship - we never argued or anything like that.  It was his idea to move out and we gave him lots of space to gain independence.   Does your son still live with you?
I'd like to hear your story.  Please don't be offended if there's a long delay in my posts - we are preparing for a large baby shower this weekend at our house and I am fretfully busy.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Nana on September 20, 2010, 11:26:54 PM
Dear Hope:

I was so sad to hear that you are not doing so good with dil.  What I last read of your posts was your joy for having your first gc  and asking advice for nice tips to surprise your dil.  You had very high expectations which all grandmothers have.  We dream when we can hold our gc in our arms.    We all realize they are not our children.  What I said once to dil was " I am not the mother, I know that, I just wanted you to let me be a real grandmother".   

Now hope, You are worth too much ....dil does not deserve having you as grandparents to her children.  It doesnt matter what you do, or what things you change (at this moment) she will find something else to blame you about.    I hate saying this.....and I always repeat it "What worked for me was to ignore them and distanced myself".  I did this when nothing else worked....and voila....this worked.  She is not perfect now, nor am I, but we try to please each other and I always remember to give them their space.  I even feel she loves me now.   Remember the more we humuliate ourselves, the less worthy we seem to their eyes. 

Hope I know it is hard to let go.....but how much can you take<  It al depends on you not losing peace and sanity.  I did have my ënough is enough".  I thank God.  If I had not taken the measures I did, I would still be grieving over all this nonsense. 

I admire you Hope....You are a great person....dont ask her anymore what else can you do....she doesnt care....  It will take time but she will value you if you change yourself.

Ïf you always do, what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got"(dont know author).

Love you Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Carolina Gal on September 21, 2010, 04:36:08 AM
Nana,

My son and his wife have decided (this came to me from a third party) that they have "no desire to resolve the issues between us".  There was no real conflict or harsh words between us - just the recognition of extreme posessiveness and control of my son by his new wife.  It hurts me to my soul.  I have decided that I can not resolve this "madness" alone and that I need to just walk away from this insane situation.  I know my heart will never really get over it, however I must learn to live with it in order for my life to be happy.  I can not hang on to hope and try to make sense of a situation that does not make sense. I have decided that if any future contact occurs, it will need to be initiated by them.  At first I blamed the daughter in law's attitudes (which I still feel are the root of their cruelty) however I have to acknowledge that my son is an active party to this.  We have gone from an extremely close and loving relationship to complete abandonment of the relationship perpetuated by my son and his wife. I honestly am unable to comprehend how any person could treat a mother in this manner.  I do know that it causes a devastating trama to my heart, trust and faith in the goodness of this younger generation.  I think that if in the future we were to reconnect, the relationship will never be as close as before. The trust has been totally destroyed.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on September 21, 2010, 05:31:37 AM
Quote from: Carolina Gal on September 21, 2010, 04:36:08 AM
Nana,

My son and his wife have decided (this came to me from a third party) that they have "no desire to resolve the issues between us".  There was no real conflict or harsh words between us - just the recognition of extreme posessiveness and control of my son by his new wife.  It hurts me to my soul.  I have decided that I can not resolve this "madness" alone and that I need to just walk away from this insane situation.  I know my heart will never really get over it, however I must learn to live with it in order for my life to be happy.  I can not hang on to hope and try to make sense of a situation that does not make sense. I have decided that if any future contact occurs, it will need to be initiated by them.  At first I blamed the daughter in law's attitudes (which I still feel are the root of their cruelty) however I have to acknowledge that my son is an active party to this.  We have gone from an extremely close and loving relationship to complete abandonment of the relationship perpetuated by my son and his wife. I honestly am unable to comprehend how any person could treat a mother in this manner.  I do know that it causes a devastating trama to my heart, trust and faith in the goodness of this younger generation.  I think that if in the future we were to reconnect, the relationship will never be as close as before. The trust has been totally destroyed.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on September 21, 2010, 05:35:54 AM
Carolina,
I am so sorry! I don't know what's happening either. These loving boys/men turn into someone we no longer know.  I know it hurts you to your soul.   I wish I could do something for you, for all of you and for me.  God bless us all.  If anyone has a hard time understanding it, it is because you either are not a Mother or you are a Mother and your kids aren't old enough to realize all the love you have could be gone in an instant.  Maybe it will be okay, Carolina?  Thinking of you and sending good wishes. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Carolina Gal on September 21, 2010, 08:20:20 AM
barelythere,

Thank you for your kind words.  Some days I think I am okay and coping and others I feel torn to pieces.  I think I am going to seek out personal counseling to find a way to "move on".  All this erupted last Christmas and has gone downhill ever since. It is such a shame that Mothers are forced to accept abandonment by their sons.  It causes so much heartache.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on September 21, 2010, 08:50:34 AM
It hurts me to see all of us in such turmoil over what should be simple communications with our DSs and DILs. I go throught the same thing over every communication anymore. Text? Email? Call? How do I phrase it? What will they think? How will it be received? Aarrrggg. I feel like I'm writing something potentially earth-shattering everytime I reply to a text (rarely do I initiate.) I hate awkwardness and my life is full of it now!

Maybe we could all go work for the State Dep't. after this hands-on training?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 09:02:01 AM
I hate all the new reality TV shows that seem to be dominating everything right now.  But I just figured out we all could make a fortune starring on our own "Big Brother" house type show by putting all of us MILs and DILS, good and bad in one big house!  Can you imagine?  The good DILs taking up for the good MILs, the good MILs taking up for the good DILS??  We could give those Jersey girls a run for their money!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Nana on September 21, 2010, 09:41:50 AM
Caroline:

If they have decided to take you out of their life...so it be.  They will regret it later.  They dont have a clue as to what is respect and gratitude.  They are in a stage of life that they deserve it all.  Life will not be easy for them.  How can they have peace of mind and be happy.  They cannot give happiness because they do not possess any. 

At this point what matters is you.  You heart is surely broken but this too will pass.  Give time to time.  Waters take their level.  You should move on and make a happy life for yourself.  They will eventually come back to you.  You should never say that you will never be close to your son as it was before.... that is, we will always wait for our children with open arms because we love them .

I know you need support and that you have with us all.  We all are or have been in your shoes and know the kind of pain you are enduring.    Hold on.... Do have Faith.  Sometimes things happen for a reason....it might be for better (or for worse lol). 

I will keep you in my prayers so that soon you will see the daylight in your life. 



A big hug for you.

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on September 21, 2010, 10:49:58 AM
OH, that's hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Nana on September 21, 2010, 10:55:10 AM
Luise

I love your short remarks....wonderful.

Wishing the best for you always Luise.....you are our inspiration and example.

Love
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 10:57:22 AM
You guys are right!  That is very, very funnnyyy.........hey wait a minute.....technically I DO work for the State!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on September 21, 2010, 06:57:14 PM
You are all making me lol - and I really needed that today!  ;)   I can just picture us all working together for the state department as secret agents.  8)
I am hurting for Carolina - and all you good friends.  It just doesn't make sense how our sons can be a part of such hurtfullness toward us.  Today I was short with some people I work with b/c I couldn't get the situation out of my head.  Later I apologized to them explaining that it wasn't about them or work, but something in my personal life......and I was near tears.  I feel very close to the people I work with and they asked me what was wrong.  One of them is a 30 year old married man with two small children.  He took time out of his busy day to relay to me his situation - he asked if I wanted to hear it from the son's perspective and I was all ears.  He said that his mom suffered for 8 years before she finally approached him about it.  She is/was a principal of a school, so I imagine she has great communication skills.  His in-laws live near them, whereas his parents live maybe a 15 hour drive away.  They did EVERYTHING with her family and nearly nothing with his.  He said his dw was fine with that - it wouldn't bother her if they never saw his parents.  When he realized how hurt his mom was, he turned the whole situation around.  Now they fly to his parents house a few times a year and invite them over to visit.  He even went as far as to tell his parents they could see their second born gc first after the birth since his in-laws saw the first born gc first.  His mil threw such a fit at the hospital about it that he told both sets of parents to just leave - that they were spoiling the beautiful event and that it wasn't about them.  On the sly, he told his mom to come back in 15 minutes and when she did, she got to visit them and her gs.  She was even invited to visit recently to watch her gd board the school bus for the first time (along with the other grandma).  He is doing his best to make it as fair as possible.  Don't you just have to love him?  I think he's very special, though.  He's a real go-getter and isn't afraid to tackle a challenge.  He advised that I not let it fester and that if his mom had come to him sooner she would not have had to put up with it so long.  He wants me to talk to my ds alone - w/o dil.  Actually, in a perfect world all sons would stick up for their parents like he did.  My ds would not like any confrontation and I don't see him putting himself out like that ever.  I'm still in favor of a cooling off period - see if he will initiate contact.
004 signing off (with hugs)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pooh on September 22, 2010, 05:36:15 AM
Don't you just love when you can get another Son's side?  Of course, he sounds like a very good person and handled that perfectly.  Bless him.  I wish all our Sons were like that and would step up and say, this is what's fair to both sides.

003.1/2  (cause I'm a 007 wanna be)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on September 22, 2010, 06:55:14 AM
Quote from: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 09:02:01 AM
I hate all the new reality TV shows that seem to be dominating everything right now.  But I just figured out we all could make a fortune starring on our own "Big Brother" house type show by putting all of us MILs and DILS, good and bad in one big house!  Can you imagine?  The good DILs taking up for the good MILs, the good MILs taking up for the good DILS??  We could give those Jersey girls a run for their money!

I don't think I could watch that Pooh, would be to upsetting and irritating...

hate the reality shows to, all they do is promote one against the other and not team work, and it's becoming very much like that in our world today....individulisum....? 

Never watched the Jersey Girls, saw previews, and I would definately not promote such behavior by watching it....it disgusts me that women act like that?  Really does....and it's very sad....b/c people out there do act like that, it's no longer isolated to Jerry Springer....really sick....

What is really scarey is that these shows have the following they do and don't fold....which speaks volumns of the intellect in our country today...very sad.....

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on September 22, 2010, 07:21:17 AM
The reality shows remind me of decades ago when wrestling was really popular on TV. People pound on each other until they can't stand up any longer and it's called "entertainment."
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on September 22, 2010, 07:31:47 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 22, 2010, 07:21:17 AM
The reality shows remind me of decades ago when wrestling was really popular on TV. People pound on each other until they can't stand up any longer and it's called "entertainment."

yeah?  Go figure, huh?   ::)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pooh on September 22, 2010, 08:07:44 AM
I will admit I don't like most of them....but I do like a few of them.  I think for me, it is mindless television.  In my job, I have to think constantly, so when I do watch television (which isn't much) I want something mindless.  And I get immense humor out of how stupid they are.  Things like WipeOut, The Bachelor, Dancing with the stars....
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on September 22, 2010, 08:20:29 AM
Quote from: Hope on September 21, 2010, 06:57:14 PM
You are all making me lol - and I really needed that today!  ;)   I can just picture us all working together for the state department as secret agents.  8)
I am hurting for Carolina - and all you good friends.  It just doesn't make sense how our sons can be a part of such hurtfullness toward us.  Today I was short with some people I work with b/c I couldn't get the situation out of my head.  Later I apologized to them explaining that it wasn't about them or work, but something in my personal life......and I was near tears.  I feel very close to the people I work with and they asked me what was wrong.  One of them is a 30 year old married man with two small children.  He took time out of his busy day to relay to me his situation - he asked if I wanted to hear it from the son's perspective and I was all ears.  He said that his mom suffered for 8 years before she finally approached him about it.  She is/was a principal of a school, so I imagine she has great communication skills.  His in-laws live near them, whereas his parents live maybe a 15 hour drive away.  They did EVERYTHING with her family and nearly nothing with his.  He said his dw was fine with that - it wouldn't bother her if they never saw his parents.  When he realized how hurt his mom was, he turned the whole situation around.  Now they fly to his parents house a few times a year and invite them over to visit.  He even went as far as to tell his parents they could see their second born gc first after the birth since his in-laws saw the first born gc first.  His mil threw such a fit at the hospital about it that he told both sets of parents to just leave - that they were spoiling the beautiful event and that it wasn't about them.  On the sly, he told his mom to come back in 15 minutes and when she did, she got to visit them and her gs.  She was even invited to visit recently to watch her gd board the school bus for the first time (along with the other grandma).  He is doing his best to make it as fair as possible.  Don't you just have to love him?  I think he's very special, though.  He's a real go-getter and isn't afraid to tackle a challenge.  He advised that I not let it fester and that if his mom had come to him sooner she would not have had to put up with it so long.  He wants me to talk to my ds alone - w/o dil.  Actually, in a perfect world all sons would stick up for their parents like he did.  My ds would not like any confrontation and I don't see him putting himself out like that ever.  I'm still in favor of a cooling off period - see if he will initiate contact.
004 signing off (with hugs)

Hope, thank you for sharing this story. It warms my heart and gives me....hope! Love you.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on September 22, 2010, 09:27:10 AM
Quote from: Hope on September 21, 2010, 06:57:14 PM
You are all making me lol - and I really needed that today!  ;)   I can just picture us all working together for the state department as secret agents.  8)
I am hurting for Carolina - and all you good friends.  It just doesn't make sense how our sons can be a part of such hurtfullness toward us.  Today I was short with some people I work with b/c I couldn't get the situation out of my head.  Later I apologized to them explaining that it wasn't about them or work, but something in my personal life......and I was near tears.  I feel very close to the people I work with and they asked me what was wrong.  One of them is a 30 year old married man with two small children.  He took time out of his busy day to relay to me his situation - he asked if I wanted to hear it from the son's perspective and I was all ears.  He said that his mom suffered for 8 years before she finally approached him about it.  She is/was a principal of a school, so I imagine she has great communication skills.  His in-laws live near them, whereas his parents live maybe a 15 hour drive away.  They did EVERYTHING with her family and nearly nothing with his.  He said his dw was fine with that - it wouldn't bother her if they never saw his parents.  When he realized how hurt his mom was, he turned the whole situation around.  Now they fly to his parents house a few times a year and invite them over to visit.  He even went as far as to tell his parents they could see their second born gc first after the birth since his in-laws saw the first born gc first.  His mil threw such a fit at the hospital about it that he told both sets of parents to just leave - that they were spoiling the beautiful event and that it wasn't about them.  On the sly, he told his mom to come back in 15 minutes and when she did, she got to visit them and her gs.  She was even invited to visit recently to watch her gd board the school bus for the first time (along with the other grandma).  He is doing his best to make it as fair as possible.  Don't you just have to love him?  I think he's very special, though.  He's a real go-getter and isn't afraid to tackle a challenge.  He advised that I not let it fester and that if his mom had come to him sooner she would not have had to put up with it so long.  He wants me to talk to my ds alone - w/o dil.  Actually, in a perfect world all sons would stick up for their parents like he did.  My ds would not like any confrontation and I don't see him putting himself out like that ever.  I'm still in favor of a cooling off period - see if he will initiate contact.
004 signing off (with hugs)

boy do I wish all sons would handle it this way....right from the beginning....
thank you for sharing this.....
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Carolina Gal on September 22, 2010, 02:53:55 PM
Hope,

I also enjoyed your story.  It took just a little sense of fairness to resolve a difficult situation.  This son can be at peace with his conscience and know he did the right thing for all involved.  Life is just too short to create such emotional pain.  If these young people would practice just a little bit of ethics and practice "doing the right thing" we would not need this website.  I do know in my own self that I taught my son to do better.  This is his "issue".
I hope you all had a pleasant and joyful day.  Mine was better than yesterday.....I think time will help me to feel balanced again.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on September 22, 2010, 03:13:11 PM
Hope, I loved reading your story. My son knows exactly how I feel and he swears he's doing the best he can.

Carolina, I'm so sorry, I hope in time things will turn around for you.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on September 28, 2010, 07:35:51 PM
 ;D ;D ;D  The world needs more like him!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: MLW07 on September 29, 2010, 09:20:36 AM
Quote from: LaurieS on September 27, 2010, 09:31:36 PM
Quote from: Hope on September 21, 2010, 06:57:14 PM
You are all making me lol - and I really needed that today!  ;)   I can just picture us all working together for the state department as secret agents.  8)
I am hurting for Carolina - and all you good friends.  It just doesn't make sense how our sons can be a part of such hurtfullness toward us.  Today I was short with some people I work with b/c I couldn't get the situation out of my head.  Later I apologized to them explaining that it wasn't about them or work, but something in my personal life......and I was near tears.  I feel very close to the people I work with and they asked me what was wrong.  One of them is a 30 year old married man with two small children.  He took time out of his busy day to relay to me his situation - he asked if I wanted to hear it from the son's perspective and I was all ears.  He said that his mom suffered for 8 years before she finally approached him about it.  She is/was a principal of a school, so I imagine she has great communication skills.  His in-laws live near them, whereas his parents live maybe a 15 hour drive away.  They did EVERYTHING with her family and nearly nothing with his.  He said his dw was fine with that - it wouldn't bother her if they never saw his parents.  When he realized how hurt his mom was, he turned the whole situation around.  Now they fly to his parents house a few times a year and invite them over to visit.  He even went as far as to tell his parents they could see their second born gc first after the birth since his in-laws saw the first born gc first.  His mil threw such a fit at the hospital about it that he told both sets of parents to just leave - that they were spoiling the beautiful event and that it wasn't about them.  On the sly, he told his mom to come back in 15 minutes and when she did, she got to visit them and her gs.  She was even invited to visit recently to watch her gd board the school bus for the first time (along with the other grandma).  He is doing his best to make it as fair as possible.  Don't you just have to love him?  I think he's very special, though.  He's a real go-getter and isn't afraid to tackle a challenge.  He advised that I not let it fester and that if his mom had come to him sooner she would not have had to put up with it so long.  He wants me to talk to my ds alone - w/o dil.  Actually, in a perfect world all sons would stick up for their parents like he did.  My ds would not like any confrontation and I don't see him putting himself out like that ever.  I'm still in favor of a cooling off period - see if he will initiate contact.
004 signing off (with hugs)

Can we all claim him as our own????

I wish all situations were this easy.  I would love to have the relationship with my DH's parents as we do with my parents.  However, you have to have normal, loving people to have relationships like these.  There are  many times where my DH and I both go why couldn't things be different.  It's not for lack of trying on our part.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on September 30, 2010, 02:28:50 AM
MLW07,
I wish things could be different for you, too.  Would you mind sharing what your in laws do to make things so difficult so I can be sure not to do the same?  Do you think they realize what they are doing?
I know I try, try, try in our relationship with our ds/dil without being intrusive and in their face all the time.  I really don't think anything I do will make things better.  I'm thinking that what I don't do might help - by keeping my distance and letting them come to us (if that ever happens).
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on September 30, 2010, 11:11:29 AM
That's a good idea, Hope. I'm on the same boat as you, we stay out of their lives, we never call or visit unless they invite us, I wait for DS to call me everyday and we only talk for a few minutes, until he says he has to go, I'm tired of trying with DIL without getting anywhere. How can I make conversation with her when she won't even look at me? DS told me not to long ago that he doesn't have any problems with us but DIL may hold a grudge forever and he can't go against her wishes. I don't know what to do or not to do anymore. Our GD is in the middle of it all, I'm afraid the day will come when DS will say, "I don't want my DD exposed to this anymore" and that will be the end, although she's exposed to plenty of bad stuff from the other side but that's ok bacause they're her family.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on September 30, 2010, 08:29:54 PM
Guest1,
It's so nice that your ds calls you - you must have done something right - very right!  I'm sure your dil doesn't make it easy for him to call.  You actually get invitations to go over their house occassionally?  That's pretty good.   :D   I'm so sorry that your gd is caught up in the middle of it - what a shame.  She's the one who is missing out - and for what reason?  It's so senseless.  Keep being you - obviously you know what you are doing.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cdb on October 01, 2010, 05:33:58 AM
One thing here is we know we are not alone. I wish I would have had more time with my parents when my kids were growing up. They lived across country and my dad would fly us there when he could. They fixed up my grandmothers cabin in Canada so they would be near us across the border and I would bring my kids there. There are good memories now with my kids and them. I am dealing with my daughter's anger at me now for how I wasn't there for her. Boy is her memory wrong, wrong, wrong, but it is what it is now. All I can do is wait and hope the better times come back to her mind. If not,  if I do get to see my granddaughters, I will give them as much quality time as I can when they are here. Every minute will count. But, then I need to keep taking care or me knowing my daughter can turn on a dime depending on her moods. I can't believe I raised this person. I don't know who she is anymore. I do know her time will come since the granddaughters see her or hear her go off on people on the phone and scream and yell. Wait until it is her time. I hope she will be sorry then. Only God knows. If I have to, I will be an adopt a grandma if I have to. There must be kids out there without grandparents who would appreciate anything I would do with them. I am not going to waste my life playing these games with such an unappreciative daughter. cdb
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: vickie on October 16, 2010, 09:13:27 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 15, 2010, 01:56:10 PM
you said:
Dear Hope,
  We know how you feel because this doesn't happen with daughters.

My response:
It does happen with daughters. I have a daughter that is doing this to me.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 17, 2010, 06:14:28 AM
vickie,
Welcome to our refuge.
I'm very sorry for your pain.  I can hear it in your post.  My heart tells me that your daughter will come back to you one day.  I know it's difficult to do, but do you think you could keep your distance and wait for her to come to you......even if it takes years?  And when you have an opportunity to be in contact, be loving, considerate, and good to her without showing resentment?  That's what I am trying to do with our son/dil.  I don't call them or email them or initiate get togethers with them and they don't initiate contact either.  Right now we are in stalemate.  I share your pain.  It's heartbreaking and I think it helps me to try to stop tormenting myself with the why's and accept the fact that he isn't the person he was.  Wishing you all the best.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 17, 2010, 07:01:08 AM
Vickie, Welcome! I am new also. Only been around for a week or so. I'm sorry to hear about anyone's heartache like yours and Hope's. Both of you I feel your hearts must be broken?
What happened with your Daughter Vickie? If you don't mind my asking? I believe it does happen to Parents of Daughters also. Just not nearly as much I think? Because yours is only the 2nd story I've ever seen. That is why I'm so curious I think? Is she your only child? And if not, Are you close to your other children? Sorry so many questions.. just want to learn what I can. Hugss, Annie
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 17, 2010, 08:59:46 AM
Welcome Vickie - Think of what you can do for you and become your own advocate. Little things that reflect self-love.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: jill on October 17, 2010, 10:55:01 AM
Welcome Vickie, you will find great support here.  I know exactly how you feel, I just have daughters, neither of them are close but my older one has cut me out of her life, I miss her and my precious gd. I see my younger daughter occasionally and my grandsons.

Hope,
I don't know if I can wait years to see my daughter again.  I am in my late sixties, what if something happens before we heal this rift?  It is something I think about all the time.  I know I cannot force her to see me, but I will have to call her and let her know I love her.  What do other ladies feel about this?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 17, 2010, 11:19:55 AM
My eldest son died before we reached resolution (10 years ago when he was 52.) We just never know who is going to leave first because age is just one factor. I felt a healing occur that was/is very real for me when that happened. He instantly let go of all of it when he passed.

My take is we can't do anything about the future but many of us are inclined to put a lot of energy in that direction. I also feel that what we think about tends to come about. Perhaps you might want to think about the connection that you already have that can't be broken no matter how she tries. She has your DNA. Sending love...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 17, 2010, 12:00:09 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on October 17, 2010, 11:19:55 AM
My eldest son died before we reached resolution (10 years ago when he was 52.) We just never know who is going to leave first because age is just one factor. I felt a healing occur that was/is very real for me when that happened. He instantly let go of all of it when he passed.

My take is we can't do anything abut the future but many of us are inclined to put a lot of energy in that direction. I also feel that what we think about tends to come about. Perhaps you might want to think about the connection that you already have that can't be broken no matter how she tries. She has your DNA. Sending love...

Hello Jill,
I'm sorry about the troubles you are having right now with your DD's. Is their Father in the picture? If so what does he think about this and does he handle this? I'm very curious and all about the Mother and Daughter relationships. Do you know why your daughter hasn't been talking to you and seeing you? Why she cut you off? Or did she not say?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: jill on October 17, 2010, 01:08:51 PM
Hi Annie123,
Their father and I have been divorced many years and he cut them out of his life.  My younger daughter has some contact with him, but not the older one, she will not forgive.
I have never, ever, intentionally hurt her, and have always apologized if I have said something that hurt, but I have always had to walk on eggshells around her.  She seems to take everything the wrong way. She holds a lot of bitterness.

I am so glad I found this site and so many caring people.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 17, 2010, 01:42:32 PM
Thank you Jill for answering me. I am sure that it must be so heart breaking to have your Daughters treat you this way? I too am so happy for finding this site! Who knows, Maybe we can learn together here? (((HUGS))) Annie
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 17, 2010, 01:46:36 PM
Quote from: jill on October 17, 2010, 10:55:01 AM
Welcome Vickie, you will find great support here.  I know exactly how you feel, I just have daughters, neither of them are close but my older one has cut me out of her life, I miss her and my precious gd. I see my younger daughter occasionally and my grandsons.

Hope,
I don't know if I can wait years to see my daughter again.  I am in my late sixties, what if something happens before we heal this rift?  It is something I think about all the time.  I know I cannot force her to see me, but I will have to call her and let her know I love her.  What do other ladies feel about this?
Jill,
Welcome!  I'm so glad you found us.  I definitely don't have all the answers and by all means don't want anyone to go against their heart by doing anything I suggest.  I think we have to believe in how we act and react - it must come from within.  I've tried so many ways to be kind and loving to my dil/ds and still don't know why I'm being ostercized.  When I recently heard that my dil felt I owed her three apologies, I told her that I wanted to apologize because I offended/hurt her, but I needed to know what it was so I wouldn't repeat it.  My dil told me that I put too much pressure on them to get together for family birthdays by emailing and asking them what dates would be good for them.  She also said that last Easter I sent out an email that was particularly offensive b/c I asked what all our adult kids' plans were so I could let the extended families know if they would be there for dinner when they asked.  I listened and encouraged her to let it all out so I might know what [in the heck] I am doing wrong.  After she stated these offenses, I told her that I would never intentionally hurt her and that in the future I would just let extended family know when asked that I didn't know their visiting plans.  Oh, yeah, she also said she feels very self conscience opening birthday gifts in front of everyone, so this year my dh just dropped her gifts off at their house on her birthday.  We each sent her a sweet birthday email and my dh sent her an email card from us both.  Didn't phase her - didn't help.  Seems to have gotten worse.  Since nothing else has worked, I thought it would be best to just allow them to come to me - I think they need their space.  Maybe we will be appreciated more if we aren't initiating contact.  If that doesn't help - well, I can't make them love us, like us, be around us.
I hope you find what feels right for you.......and I truly wish you all the best because I know you are hurting.  We love our kids with all our hearts and sometimes we end up with empty arms.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on October 17, 2010, 02:25:59 PM
Hope,
Every time I read one of your posts I want to cry, you sound like such a kind and sweet person who doesn't deserve the treatment you're getting.

My DS has stated that DIL wants nothing to do with us and I thought to wish her a happy birthday, of course I had the best of intentions but it was a bad move, she got really angry, said I didn't mean it. I asked DS if I could call her on the phone and he said, you can but she probably won't answer, they don't live that close so the best way to communicate is via email or by phone. So for the past few months we don't say much to her and she seems to be ok with that. She's allowed our DS and GD to visit us and has had us over a few times too.

Our GD is getting older and we don't want to to grow up in this kind of enviroment, I don't know if DIL has thought about that or if she even cares. Her grandmothers can't stand one another so I guess she's used to this kind of thing.

I sure hope your DS and DIL come around soon.
Hugs.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 17, 2010, 03:07:15 PM
Quote from: Hope on October 17, 2010, 01:46:36 PM
Quote from: jill on October 17, 2010, 10:55:01 AM
Welcome Vickie, you will find great support here.  I know exactly how you feel, I just have daughters, neither of them are close but my older one has cut me out of her life, I miss her and my precious gd. I see my younger daughter occasionally and my grandsons.

Hope,
I don't know if I can wait years to see my daughter again.  I am in my late sixties, what if something happens before we heal this rift?  It is something I think about all the time.  I know I cannot force her to see me, but I will have to call her and let her know I love her.  What do other ladies feel about this?
Jill,
Welcome!  I'm so glad you found us.  I definitely don't have all the answers and by all means don't want anyone to go against their heart by doing anything I suggest.  I think we have to believe in how we act and react - it must come from within.  I've tried so many ways to be kind and loving to my dil/ds and still don't know why I'm being ostercized.  When I recently heard that my dil felt I owed her three apologies, I told her that I wanted to apologize because I offended/hurt her, but I needed to know what it was so I wouldn't repeat it.  My dil told me that I put too much pressure on them to get together for family birthdays by emailing and asking them what dates would be good for them.  She also said that last Easter I sent out an email that was particularly offensive b/c I asked what all our adult kids' plans were so I could let the extended families know if they would be there for dinner when they asked.  I listened and encouraged her to let it all out so I might know what [in the heck] I am doing wrong.  After she stated these offenses, I told her that I would never intentionally hurt her and that in the future I would just let extended family know when asked that I didn't know their visiting plans.  Oh, yeah, she also said she feels very self conscience opening birthday gifts in front of everyone, so this year my dh just dropped her gifts off at their house on her birthday.  We each sent her a sweet birthday email and my dh sent her an email card from us both.  Didn't phase her - didn't help.  Seems to have gotten worse.  Since nothing else has worked, I thought it would be best to just allow them to come to me - I think they need their space.  Maybe we will be appreciated more if we aren't initiating contact.  If that doesn't help - well, I can't make them love us, like us, be around us.
I hope you find what feels right for you.......and I truly wish you all the best because I know you are hurting.  We love our kids with all our hearts and sometimes we end up with empty arms.
Hugs, Hope

:'(
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 17, 2010, 05:25:11 PM
Guest1, barelythere, and all,
I feel your support and it's helping me through this tough day.  I'm so emotional and feel like every nerve in my body is awakened.  Thank you all for your kindness.  It's such comfort to be consoled by those who understand firsthand.
Love and hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 17, 2010, 05:36:45 PM
Quote from: Hope on October 17, 2010, 05:25:11 PM
Guest1, barelythere, and all,
I feel your support and it's helping me through this tough day.  I'm so emotional and feel like every nerve in my body is awakened.  Thank you all for your kindness.  It's such comfort to be consoled by those who understand firsthand.
Love and hugs, Hope

I know, Hope, I'm crying with you.  It is heartbreaking and in some ways make you "not yourself".  It is not you but I know you know that.  Time is all that's going to take care of this. Something is going on with them/her.  You keep that sweet spirit and some day you will see what the real problem is.  Just do as she says to do.  I have been right where you are.  What I found out years later is that my DIL didn't want what my Norman Rockwell vision was.  Then, I scaled Norman down to just a dot of paint on the canvas and she is better.  Honestly, after all these years, I no longer care like I did.  That's the sad part to me. 

Some Mothers used to roam other sites looking for help, just begging for someone to help them.  There's nothing more pitiful than a mother's broken heart.  You are blessed by one thing; you are here and no one is going to call you names, talk about you in PM's and then gang up on you or worst of all, say you're mentally unstable like I've seen done to others. 

It's going to be okay, Hope, you will come to understand.  You will in time.  :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 17, 2010, 07:26:52 PM
barelythere,
Thanks for your kind words.  You've been where I am and you know the pain.  It does give me comfort to think that one day it may make sense.  But to help us through the 'now', we have each other and our other wwu friends for support.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 17, 2010, 07:33:02 PM
Quote from: Hope on October 17, 2010, 07:26:52 PM
barelythere,
Thanks for your kind words.  You've been where I am and you know the pain.  It does give me comfort to think that one day it may make sense.  But to help us through the 'now', we have each other and our other wwu friends for support.
Hugs, Hope

I do know how much this hurts and we are lucky as all get out to have this place.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 17, 2010, 08:48:35 PM
Quote from: barelythere on October 17, 2010, 05:36:45 PM
Quote from: Hope on October 17, 2010, 05:25:11 PM
Guest1, barelythere, and all,
I feel your support and it's helping me through this tough day.  I'm so emotional and feel like every nerve in my body is awakened.  Thank you all for your kindness.  It's such comfort to be consoled by those who understand firsthand.
Love and hugs, Hope

I know, Hope, I'm crying with you.  It is heartbreaking and in some ways make you "not yourself".  It is not you but I know you know that.  Time is all that's going to take care of this. Something is going on with them/her.  You keep that sweet spirit and some day you will see what the real problem is.  Just do as she says to do.  I have been right where you are.  What I found out years later is that my DIL didn't want what my Norman Rockwell vision was.  Then, I scaled Norman down to just a dot of paint on the canvas and she is better.  Honestly, after all these years, I no longer care like I did.  That's the sad part to me. 

Some Mothers used to roam other sites looking for help, just begging for someone to help them.  There's nothing more pitiful than a mother's broken heart.  You are blessed by one thing; you are here and no one is going to call you names, talk about you in PM's and then gang up on you or worst of all, say you're mentally unstable like I've seen done to others. 

It's going to be okay, Hope, you will come to understand.  You will in time.  :)

WOW!! I knew there was something so kind and gentle even loving about this site. And you just wrote in all down in one reply. I'm actually sitting here right now with tears in my eyes!!!!!
I've DONE THAT!! Been to other sites, been jumped all over for wording something the wrong way or even using one wrong word. YES, I want to know what other DILs think and their opinions. It's helpful and I've learned SO MUCH from many of them! But I truly want to hear what others in my similar life pattern have to think sometimes. U know? I just want to Thank you for writing what you did.  It helped me feel safe and just better..  :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Nana on October 17, 2010, 11:56:07 PM
Hope, Barelythere, Guest 1.    I think that I am very emotional today.  I have been just there where you are now.   And when you tell your stories and sadness, I too want to cry.  It is like you are telling my story.     I can feel your closeness towards each other and I know now that we women are very supportive especially when we truly understand their pain.

But the good news is that we are here united for a purpose....it is sad to say but knowing that you are not the only one in this scenario, helps a lot.   Someday probably you will be writing a success story.  Cheer up all of you. 

Thanks Luise...for making this possible.

Love
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 18, 2010, 11:12:20 AM
You're welcome. This cyber-community was a dream that I had for a long time before it materialized. Caring and sharing is such a healing modality. Sending love...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: pam1 on October 18, 2010, 12:18:26 PM
Hope, I read through your thread and you sound like a really generous and kind soul.  I hope things start to work out for your situation now that you know the triggers.  I have to wonder why DS/DIL didn't speak up sooner.  I can understand DIL maybe being too afraid to say anything or not rock the boat, but it seems like it should have been fairly easy for DS to just give you a heads up.  Whatever the case, I think it's a shame they didn't speak up sooner, seems like they were both in the wrong for expecting you to read their mind and then continually "punish" you for not knowing. 

This is the simple version of what happens with us. In my situation it started out that we got last minute invites to a family function -- apparently that is the way DHs family works.  And you know with last minute, you can't always make it but they didn't want to take no for an answer and they want you to always contribute food, so not only would they expect us to rearrange our schedule last minute, but to round up food too.  And this was often, about once a week.  If you say you can't make it, they will just continue to call and call.  They will get other family members to call.

I would try to tell MIL that it really works best to give us a heads up and we need more time....she didn't care for that.  Finally DH told them they have to give notice if they want us there and thought that would work to end some of the badgering.  So now, instead of just saying "I'm inviting you to a party on the 5th, please let me know if you can make it"  they call and email the rounds to say they want to have a party and want to know when people can come.  Sounds nice that they are asking you, but it is exhausting -- and we go through this with every single event.  There are multiple emails and calls to set the date for a party or event/tradition but there is an inherent lack of *asking* if we'd like to do this.  It is just assumed and I feel the way they go about it is irritating, just invite us!  We will tell you yes or no and please just accept the answer the first time!  And there is also the added drama with who can make it and when they can and inevitably MIL picks the favorite's preferred date for the party and then tries to go around and get everyone to change their plans who can't come on that date because that is when the favorite picked.  LOL, exhausted yet?

So, my advice is let the chips fall where they may.  Go about your activities and invite them when *you* wish, don't feel compelled to invite them.  Don't go out of your way to change things for them.  Give them the date and time and then plan for YOU to have fun. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 18, 2010, 03:05:21 PM
LOL, exhausted yet?

Gosh yes Pam!! I think that would make me NUTTY! LOL
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 18, 2010, 04:09:18 PM
Pam1,
Thanks for sharing your feelings.  What you were telling me is exactly what I have come to know over the months listening to the dils on this site.  I understand now that my asking what dates all our kids and their spouses could get together to celebrate our immediate family birthdays was assuming that they wanted to join us.  You are right, though.  We need to go ahead and make our plans and if any of our children decide they can't  join us, then okay.  We need to go ahead with our plans and have fun with whoever is there.  I am guilty of trying to get our family together.  I never even considered that our kids and their spouses wouldn't all come together for special occassions with us all living within a half hour of each other.  I think I've put more pressure on them than I realized.  That's some wise advise you gave.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 18, 2010, 04:28:07 PM
Quote from: Hope on October 18, 2010, 04:09:18 PM
Pam1,
Thanks for sharing your feelings.  What you were telling me is exactly what I have come to know over the months listening to the dils on this site.  I understand now that my asking what dates all our kids and their spouses could get together to celebrate our immediate family birthdays was assuming that they wanted to join us.  You are right, though.  We need to go ahead and make our plans and if any of our children decide they can't  join us, then okay.  We need to go ahead with our plans and have fun with whoever is there.  I am guilty of trying to get our family together.  I never even considered that our kids and their spouses wouldn't all come together for special occassions with us all living within a half hour of each other.  I think I've put more pressure on them than I realized.  That's some wise advise you gave.
Hugs, Hope

Dear Hope,
I think one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with was that one of my DILs wanted her own traditions.  Once great friends, the brothers are nice to each other when they are together but that's what kills me!  They are polite, not like the jabbing, kidding, arguing guys they once were.  The Daughters in law could totally live without each other but are polite too.  It's sickening.  I don't know about you but I'd prefer not so polite, it's too grueling.  But yes, if you are going to be in the game, you have to play by their rules.  One of the DILs is not used to getting together for Bdays and also, "Christmas is for kids!" (really, when my son echos her words, I still can't get over it), which means we don't get a gift.  We have to give gifts but we don't get a gift.  That hurts my feelings and I can't help it.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 18, 2010, 05:02:34 PM
B.T. , I think its okay to have hurt feelings about that! I would to I think? I think about the boys being polite would bug me also. How many boys do you have? I have Son's also. So I do know it isn't NORMAL for everyone to be all "polite" not kidding and joking. That is how boys are normally. or at my house anyhow.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 18, 2010, 05:20:39 PM
Quote from: Annie123 on October 18, 2010, 05:02:34 PM
B.T. , I think its okay to have hurt feelings about that! I would to I think? I think about the boys being polite would bug me also. How many boys do you have? I have Son's also. So I do know it isn't NORMAL for everyone to be all "polite" not kidding and joking. That is how boys are normally. or at my house anyhow.

2 sons.  Wish I'd have had at least one girl.  To those of you who don't, keep trying for one if you can.  Everything is a lot better now but it does hurt when you don't get a gift.  In her family that's the way they do things.  Also, in her family, they are not close so when they are here, we're not close.  It all depends on the type of DIL you get.  So you have to find out what she likes and will tolerate and act accordingly.  It's great fun. :(  I'm just so happy that things are better.  I've learned to expect nothing and I'm not disappointed!  :(   Couldn't you just wring Norman Rockwell's neck?? I love his work and I remember wonderful times but that's not life anymore.  :(
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on October 18, 2010, 05:53:30 PM
I am also guilty of trying to get our family together (for special occasions) at the beginning of DS and DIL's relationship, but why should we feel guilty when DIL's family does it all the time and it's ok?
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 18, 2010, 05:55:22 PM
Quote from: guest1 on October 18, 2010, 05:53:30 PM
I am also guilty of trying to get our family together (for special occasions) at the beginning of DS and DIL's relationship, but why should we feel guilty when DIL's family does it all the time and it's ok?

Because it has to be the way she wants it and you can't have a good relationship with your son without her.  It can be cordial but that's it.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on October 18, 2010, 06:03:31 PM
I know Barely, I was just being sarcastic! It's so unfair! We've done nothing to deserve this!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Annie123 on October 18, 2010, 06:15:23 PM
Oh my Goodness B.T.,
  I do!! remember all the fun we had while the boys were young! It was a blast 24/7! It really was to me anyhow. And our home was always happy and busy with school,sports,friends,girl friends. ect.  I loved every minute of it! And so did my husband, he coached teams, drove buses to games ect. We were always very involved in the boys doings.
And I'm very grateful that I had enough insight to know even when I was younger that those days were numbered and to soak them up and love every second.  And I did!!
I'm happy that I had that! And I love that we are now done with it that part too. I am loving my life at the moment. I like being a Grandmother!
You are right it does depend on what DIL you get. I'm sorry that so far it sounds you've not been to lucky? Are both boys married? I have 4 Son's! I'm one tired old lady. LOL
And so far one Grandson! No girls yet. Oh well who knows what the future holds huh? Maybe one of these fellas will bring a GD one day? LOL
One of my sisters has 6 boys and the other has 2 Sons. So not many gals around these parts.  :-\
YES, this far I'm blessed! My DIL and I do get along and even close actually. Yes there are time we might not agree about stuff I guess. But not often. I stay out of their personal business as much as possible. I really try to be very careful about that. Our Son and DIL that I'm talking about right now have had their troubles. I'm not saying everything is perfect. Not at all. We are just like anyone else.
And like you said, I got lucky I guess? We have had our down times. But as we were able to get to know each other and learn the love and family values each of us had it only brought us closer. I have a few Son's that are still single. So who knows what the future holds for me? Just between us, I doubt I'll ever have another DIL that I'm as close to as the one I have now. I really love this girl! She has had a rough life up till she met our son. Yes it really took her awhile to trust us and that because someone does something for you don't mean they want something in return. Once she saw our love was free and given often she finally let her guard down and accepted us. It has been really wonderful to watch this young lady grow into a trusting wonderful Mother and Wife that she is. I admire her and how smart she is. She is in College and makes straight A's. And she lets our GS come over very often. Actually twice a week. And everyone shows up after church on Sunday's for dinner and talk.. sometimes they watch a game while DIL and I run to Wal-Mart. LOL
I hope you get that one day B.T. I really do. If somehow every one .. MILs and DILs could accept each other how they are without trying to change someone and be kind and good to each other it would be a better world huh?
You know "Family" isn't a dirty word. It is a word that tells me about something I have cared about my whole life.
I guess by all my rambling replies you can tell I don't have many to talk to about this stuff. LOL Sorry to go on and on. To much time on my hands in the evenings. DH is at work. LOL
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 18, 2010, 06:29:30 PM
Quote from: guest1 on October 18, 2010, 05:53:30 PM
I am also guilty of trying to get our family together (for special occasions) at the beginning of DS and DIL's relationship, but why should we feel guilty when DIL's family does it all the time and it's ok?

I wonder about that, too. DH & I get so little. If the situation was reversed, I'd feel horrible and would do what I could to rectify it.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 18, 2010, 06:39:02 PM
Guest and Annie,
That's what I dreamed about..Sunday lunches and getting together and just having fun like we used to.  We did have so much fun and laugh?? Oh my goodness, we did laugh.  One of my DILs doesn't do that so that was the end of that.  I have learned to appreciate her for being such a  wonderful Mother and wife.  She is the one he picked but for our family, it was disaster.  He is happy, though.  That is all that matters.  The other DIL is fine, self centered but fine.  It is not the dream I had and they are missing out on such fun.  Everyone loved to be here but her. Gotta move past it and I have a lot. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on October 18, 2010, 06:51:06 PM
Pen, I would feel horrible too, they know everything that has happened and how much it has hurt us and they show no sympathy or remorse or the contrary they make fun of the situation, some of them in front of our faces and DIL's mother behind our backs. It's just awful!

My DIL is always serious, she doesn't like to joke and when we get together we do nothing but laugh so of course she doesn't feel comfortable (her favorite phrase).
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Scoop on October 19, 2010, 05:35:59 AM
Ah Guest - this just makes me realize more and more that we're dealing with the same 'kind' of people, as MIL's or DIL's it doesn't matter.

Because my MIL has no sense of humour.  We too are used to laughing and laughing, and first and foremost we laugh at ourselves.  When we go visit MIL, we feel like we have to hold it all in.  And must NEVER EVER poke fun at MIL - because we WILL be sorry.

This is one of the reasons why my DH loves my Mom.  They have their own relationship where they make each other laugh.  He PLOTS ways to 'get her going', and when he does, she LAUGHS and tries to get him back.  It's very fun to watch.

It really is too bad, because I think MIL would like to have a relationship like that with DH and I, but she can't let go of wanting to be Right, and Keeping Up Appearances. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 19, 2010, 05:48:11 AM
Quote from: Scoop on October 19, 2010, 05:35:59 AM
Ah Guest - this just makes me realize more and more that we're dealing with the same 'kind' of people, as MIL's or DIL's it doesn't matter.

Because my MIL has no sense of humour.  We too are used to laughing and laughing, and first and foremost we laugh at ourselves.  When we go visit MIL, we feel like we have to hold it all in.  And must NEVER EVER poke fun at MIL - because we WILL be sorry.

This is one of the reasons why my DH loves my Mom.  They have their own relationship where they make each other laugh.  He PLOTS ways to 'get her going', and when he does, she LAUGHS and tries to get him back.  It's very fun to watch.

It really is too bad, because I think MIL would like to have a relationship like that with DH and I, but she can't let go of wanting to be Right, and Keeping Up Appearances.

Yes, I agree.  A sense of fun and humor is important for people to bond or it is for me and a lot of people I know.  That's just my opinion but seems to be true for most people, I think. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 19, 2010, 08:03:25 AM
That's what's missing! DS & I share a certain type of humor, DH joins in somewhat, but it's mainly a thing with DS & I. For whatever reason DIL does not approve (she laughs at  people, not with people.) Just the other day I was telling a friend how I felt dull and uninspired, no joy or laughter anymore. It's not depression (I know what that feels like) but as if I were behaving differently to avoid being criticised or made fun of. Robot-mode, not myself. The "de-flavorized" version of me. It's spilling over into other areas of my life, too...I guess when you start to doubt yourself in one area it affects other areas.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Scoop on October 19, 2010, 09:57:56 AM
I'm sorry to hear this Pen.  I think you might have to 'compartmentalize' your life a bit.  So you are 'yourself' when you're with everyone else, but when DIL is around, you rein yourself in (somewhat - not all the way).  Pen and Pen-light.  (I crack myself up!)

I even have a whole different set of morals when it comes to my MIL.  She doesn't WANT to hear the truth, she wants us to placate her.  So I've adopted DH's "yeah-yeah-whatever" way of dealing with her.  And when I'm in her house, I (mostly) play by her rules.  However (since I'm the DIL, and I will admit that I do have the power), in MY house, it's MY rules.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: cremebrulee on October 19, 2010, 10:43:26 AM
Quote from: Pen on October 19, 2010, 08:03:25 AM
That's what's missing! DS & I share a certain type of humor, DH joins in somewhat, but it's mainly a thing with DS & I. For whatever reason DIL does not approve (she laughs at  people, not with people.) Just the other day I was telling a friend how I felt dull and uninspired, no joy or laughter anymore. It's not depression (I know what that feels like) but as if I were behaving differently to avoid being criticised or made fun of. Robot-mode, not myself. The "de-flavorized" version of me. It's spilling over into other areas of my life, too...I guess when you start to doubt yourself in one area it affects other areas.

Ohhhh my, I know what you mean.....it seasons you faster then you'd like, and it's a hard feeling....sorta like the character played in The Blind Side, by Sandra Bullock....
remember when she turned around in the football stadium and said, "HEY DELIVERANCE, yeah YOU!!!"  Thats what I felt like....all the time....

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 19, 2010, 05:27:59 PM
Quote from: Scoop on October 19, 2010, 09:57:56 AM
I'm sorry to hear this Pen.  I think you might have to 'compartmentalize' your life a bit.  So you are 'yourself' when you're with everyone else, but when DIL is around, you rein yourself in (somewhat - not all the way).  Pen and Pen-light.  (I crack myself up!)

I even have a whole different set of morals when it comes to my MIL.  She doesn't WANT to hear the truth, she wants us to placate her.  So I've adopted DH's "yeah-yeah-whatever" way of dealing with her.  And when I'm in her house, I (mostly) play by her rules.  However (since I'm the DIL, and I will admit that I do have the power), in MY house, it's MY rules.

I get what you mean, but it's unfortunate that I have to do it. I'm never in DIL's house, so that's not an issue, and when she's in mine she is rude. She doesn't like our conversations, our jokes, our furniture, our appliances. I do the yeah-yeah-whatever with DIL since I'm unwillng to call her on her rudeness. We want to continue to see DS, after all.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 19, 2010, 05:44:21 PM
Bummer, Pen!  >:(
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on October 19, 2010, 06:14:39 PM
I know what that's like, Pen, I felt like that for a while and still do sometimes, but I'm trying very hard to stay positive and enjoy all the good things that i do have. The son that was closest to me is the one who has hurt me the most. DS and I had the same sense of humor, we had a special bond, we had lots of fun together, now I don't even recognize him, he's so serious all the time just like DIL. I doubt our lives will ever be the same again but that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 19, 2010, 06:30:37 PM
Yes, I have a full life, I was just noticing that I'm more watchful now and less quick to laugh. This whole thing is very tiring. DIL's FOO has continued on, no problem. DS fits right in and is polite and respectful to his ILs. I'd like that for us, too.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 19, 2010, 06:39:50 PM
Quote from: Pen on October 19, 2010, 06:30:37 PM
Yes, I have a full life, I was just noticing that I'm more watchful now and less quick to laugh. This whole thing is very tiring. DIL's FOO has continued on, no problem. DS fits right in and is polite and respectful to his ILs. I'd like that for us, too.

We raised great guys, Pen.  Any FOO would love to have them but it is not fair that we have to change our way of being for the DIL.  If we don't, as you know, we're out of business. 

I hate to see your DDD not have her fun times with those stockings, Pen. Don't deprive her of that.  Like killing a Mockingbird, that would be a sin! 

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 19, 2010, 06:49:25 PM
You're so right, BT. We did raise good guys. I'm proud of how my DS can fit in and be poised and polite with people from different cultures/origins/lifestyles. I'm willing to change a bit for DIL so that he can remain a part of my life.

But we're not going to remove our silly stocking tradition  :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 19, 2010, 06:55:20 PM
Quote from: Pen on October 19, 2010, 06:49:25 PM
You're so right, BT. We did raise good guys. I'm proud of how my DS can fit in and be poised and polite with people from different cultures/origins/lifestyles. I'm willing to change a bit for DIL so that he can remain a part of my life.

But we're not going to remove our silly stocking tradition  :)

Don't change a second of it, so glad!!!  :) 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 19, 2010, 07:45:28 PM
Yea!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 19, 2010, 08:34:33 PM
I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts.  It sounds like you all have such fun memories of long ago.  Lots of laughs.  You are wonderful mothers and were very involved with your kids - you deserve the very best!  And no Christmas gifts b/c Christmas is for kids?  Nonsense!  I don't blame you for being hurt.  That is the perfect opportunity for them to show you their appreciation for being the great parents you are:)   Your homes sound so warm and loving.  Your ds/dil's are really missing out!  Don't change - you ladies are above all the games and drama.
Lots of hugs and love your way, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 19, 2010, 08:37:18 PM
Quote from: Hope on October 19, 2010, 08:34:33 PM
I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts.  It sounds like you all have such fun memories of long ago.  Lots of laughs.  You are wonderful mothers and were very involved with your kids - you deserve the very best!  And no Christmas gifts b/c Christmas is for kids?  Nonsense!  I don't blame you for being hurt.  That is the perfect opportunity for them to show you their appreciation for being the great parents you are:)   Your homes sound so warm and loving.  Your ds/dil's are really missing out!  Don't change - you ladies are above all the games and drama.
Lots of hugs and love your way, Hope

Hope, you are so sweet and I appreciate what you said.  I'm trying! :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: jomama on October 20, 2010, 01:23:37 AM
Quote from: Hope on October 19, 2010, 08:34:33 PM
I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts.  It sounds like you all have such fun memories of long ago.  Lots of laughs.  You are wonderful mothers and were very involved with your kids - you deserve the very best!  And no Christmas gifts b/c Christmas is for kids?  Nonsense!  I don't blame you for being hurt.  That is the perfect opportunity for them to show you their appreciation for being the great parents you are:)   Your homes sound so warm and loving.  Your ds/dil's are really missing out!  Don't change - you ladies are above all the games and drama.
Lots of hugs and love your way, Hope

These holiday threads have got me thinking what to do this year. I have been "Mrs. Santa Claus" for 14 years, especially the last few years that they've lived with me. A tree in every room, real holiday music- Dino, Bing,Frank; even hats for the horses- I'd decorate anything that held still long enough ;D  But this year they won't be here. Since Christmas has been all about the 'littles' for so long, I'll make this year all about the 'bigs'. I'm trying to concentrate on who is here, instead of who isn't.  Sounds good, but so far my heart just isn't listening.  :(
Today was my birthday and DD refused to let them call me- but she did relay what gifts I'm to send for her birthday next week. Fat chance. 

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: barelythere on October 20, 2010, 04:42:34 AM
Quote from: jomama on October 20, 2010, 01:23:37 AM
Quote from: Hope on October 19, 2010, 08:34:33 PM
I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts.  It sounds like you all have such fun memories of long ago.  Lots of laughs.  You are wonderful mothers and were very involved with your kids - you deserve the very best!  And no Christmas gifts b/c Christmas is for kids?  Nonsense!  I don't blame you for being hurt.  That is the perfect opportunity for them to show you their appreciation for being the great parents you are:)   Your homes sound so warm and loving.  Your ds/dil's are really missing out!  Don't change - you ladies are above all the games and drama.
Lots of hugs and love your way, Hope

These holiday threads have got me thinking what to do this year. I have been "Mrs. Santa Claus" for 14 years, especially the last few years that they've lived with me. A tree in every room, real holiday music- Dino, Bing,Frank; even hats for the horses- I'd decorate anything that held still long enough ;D  But this year they won't be here. Since Christmas has been all about the 'littles' for so long, I'll make this year all about the 'bigs'. I'm trying to concentrate on who is here, instead of who isn't.  Sounds good, but so far my heart just isn't listening.  :(
Today was my birthday and DD refused to let them call me- but she did relay what gifts I'm to send for her birthday next week. Fat chance.

Happy Birthday, Jomama...I guess,  be good to yourself?  I can visualize your house for Christmas, sounds like pure heaven. 
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 20, 2010, 07:59:04 AM
Happy day-after birthday! Sending love...
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 20, 2010, 05:07:47 PM
Happy birthday, jomama!  I hope you celebrate all week!   :D :D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 20, 2010, 09:57:51 PM
Happy belated birthday, Jomama. I hope you had a nice day.

You must have had boundless energy to do so much "Christmas Monster" decorating, etc. I'll bet your house was a holiday wonderland. My decor has gotten simpler and simpler through the years...we're pretty casual around here now. I'm usually beat by the time the holidays arrive. We have our few favorite things we put out, nothing major. And you know? It's just as special with one box of decorations as it was with four. We really don't miss all the rest, and clean up is so quick and easy :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Scoop on October 21, 2010, 05:53:07 AM
Pem, my Mom once told me that there are 'seasons' in your life.  It was a powerful lesson for me, because now I see everything as a season, it will be over eventually, I should either enjoy it while I can, or put up with it for a while longer.

I see that you're in a 'downsizing Christmas decorations' season and I'm just ramping up to my most decorated Christmas season of all.  I'm really struggling with the concept of 3 (plus 1 mini in DD's room) Christmas trees.  Part of me thinks that 3 is too much.  Part of me really wants 3 trees!

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 21, 2010, 07:56:57 AM
Oh my, Scoop. You are motivated. We always buy a live tree to plant later, and the thought of rising out of our winter stupor to dig through our horrible soil to plant 3 trees, let alone 1, is just too much. I'd rather go skiing or just sit and watch the firelight :) But you all are inspiring me to step up a bit more than last year...maybe if I start now?? Instead of a week before?? LOL
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 21, 2010, 09:36:23 AM
Yes, it is fun to think ahead a bit and to hear what others do. Last year I was in a wheel chair and trying to do care giving from that place...an all-time low. No Christmas decorations, gifts or celebrations...just survival. This year I have moved into low-income housing and am going to put up lights and some decorations and make a few gifts!  :D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Barbie on October 21, 2010, 02:45:02 PM
Scoop, I say go for it now that your DD is little. I usually go all out, it's a lot of work, DH helps and we really enjoy looking at all the decorations, our neighbors do too LOL, we get a lot of compliments. The past few years we've started to decorate earlier, usually Thanksgiving weekend, taking everything down goes a lot faster.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: jomama on October 22, 2010, 03:30:48 AM
I'd thought that,too. Simplify. We'll make do with 1 or 2 ;) trees this year. If I tone it down too much, everyone will give me the 'eggshell' treatment for fear of upsetting me, and then I'll be more upset.  :'(  I need to be strong and hit this head-on. 

QuoteThe past few years we've started to decorate earlier, usually Thanksgiving weekend, taking everything down goes a lot faster.
That's what St. Patrick's Day is for! (http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/r/rofl.gif)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: elsieshaye on October 22, 2010, 09:47:00 AM
Quote from: jomama on October 22, 2010, 03:30:48 AM

That's what St. Patrick's Day is for! (http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/r/rofl.gif)

When I was married, we'd leave the tree up for months - I think our longest run was April.  And, yes, it was a real tree.   Total fire hazard (and those needles got EVERYWHERE).   I'm not much of a holiday person but I LOVE Christmas lights, so those are the only real decoration I put up.  This particular set has been up for two and a half years now, LOL, and I start turning them on around Thanksgiving, and then stop turning them on sometime in January, depending on whether I still need a little cheer or not.  :)  Maybe if I switch them out to all-green bulbs, I can start turning them on for St. Paddy's Day too! :D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pooh on October 22, 2010, 10:59:25 AM
I have an Aunt that does a colored light bulb on her front porch for every occasion.  She changes it out every holiday.  Red at Christmas and Valentines, green for Saint Patty's, Yellow for Easter, Blue for 4th of July, orange for Halloween, etc.  I used to laugh when I was growing up because her porch at night always had this colored light in the overhead fixture that would bathe the porch in a color.

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: elsieshaye on October 22, 2010, 12:03:35 PM
I have to admit, Pooh, that I really like your aunt's idea.  Although I suspect my son would say "Really, mom?  Really???  Why can't you just put up a wreath like normal people?" and then laugh.  (It might be worth doing, just to get that reaction from him, lol!)

I do need to at least swap out the color of the flowers in my door decoration, though.  Everyone else has fall-themed stuff up, and I still have silk lilacs in a bucket with a spring green ribbon around it.  If I get dark red mums and a gold ribbon, maybe I can have 'em do double duty for fall and Christmas. :D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pooh on October 22, 2010, 12:53:14 PM
Elsie, I remember my Mother, who loved this Sister to death, telling my Dad, "I bet at Christmas and Valentines, people that drive by and don't know my sister, thinks she's running a brothel!"

I didn't get it then.....I DO NOW!  Lol.
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 22, 2010, 03:04:34 PM
I love lights inside and out. One year when I took the colored lights down from my fake-ficus tree, it looked so plain I bought a string of clear lights and left them on it all year!  ;)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Sheen on October 22, 2010, 08:36:54 PM
Luise, I had to laugh over your ficus tree, when I lived in Fla I also had one and did the same thing.  They look very pretty with the lights. When I moved across the pond, I brought my artificial tree along with the 60 boxes of decorations and the first few years we actually had people drive by our home to look at that crazy American with all the Christmas lights .  In our family, we always had three trees and the kids each had one in their rooms.  The Christmas village got bigger and bigger each year . Now when I say don't think I will put this up or that up, the girls all yell Grinch lol.  They all have adopted my passion for decorating in their own homes and have quite a collection of their own going although I do give each an ornament or Santa every year to add to it lol.

It is soooooooooooo dark here from Nov thru April that the more lights the better, now that they have brought in the LED here, I am ready to replace all my lights with them, I looooooooooove  this holiday. ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: jomama on October 22, 2010, 11:09:14 PM
(http://www.christmas-corner.com/images/christmas-smileys/candycane.gif) WooHoo! Ladies, you've been warned. Sheen and I will decorate the Grinches! (http://www.christmas-corner.com/images/christmas-smileys/gingerbreadhouse.gif)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 23, 2010, 06:09:21 AM
You ladies are so funny and festive!  Last year I bought all new ornaments for my one and only tree - and that's enough for me (cause it's so much work)!  But Christmas trees are so beautiful......I'd have them in every room of the house if I had the energy and resources.
I always had a tree with our kids' handmade ornaments, ornament gifts, and the ornaments my dh and I bought when we were engaged - 36 years ago:)  Last year my dh announced that he wanted a "designer" tree.  Well, he's getting a designer tree!  I just happened upon an incredible clearance sale at Dilliards in January 2010 - and I bought over $1,000 worth of ornaments for under a $100, plus I bought us a giant new tree and a beautiful elegant skirt.  No one can stop us this year!
The problem is what do I do with all the sentimental ornaments I have collected over 36 years?  I really don't want the hassle of putting up two trees - there's only two days that we have company over the holidays.
Plus our ydd is getting married the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so we will be on exhaustion alert.
We use to decorate inside and out till we burst at the seams - but not any more.  Maybe we'll be more ambitious as our baby gs gets older and hopefully more gc come along.
You are all putting me in the spirit for sure!  (I'd love to put a cute animated figure here like jazzy jomama, but I don't know how.)
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Sheen on October 23, 2010, 07:35:01 AM
Hey Jomamma, How did we miss that sale that Hope went to ?  What to do with the sentimental ornaments hmmmm hence the reason we have multiple trees lol.  I went home to the states last Thanksgiving  and my daughters all thought that it was so great to go back for the holiday.  Turkey is good but hell I went for Black Friday and the Christmas decorations.  We were in those stores at 5am   I absolutely loved it.  True story here,  when I first moved to Sweden, the first Christmas we were driving around and I couldn't get over the spirit of all the Jewish households all their pretty candlabras in the windows.   I mentioned it to my  hub and said how come the Christian Swedes don't decorate as much, I think he laughed for twenty minutes before he explained that those were regular Jul decorations.   I am soooooo glad I brought my tree with me because honestly   these trees look like a poor rendition of Charlie Brown's tree but I think I am converting them to know that its ok to put more on your tree then red balls  lol. 

Ho Ho Ho
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 23, 2010, 09:54:42 AM
When I was a little girl (we are talking about the early 1930s here, girls) my dad would drive up to our summer log cabin taking me with him and cut down the Christmas tree my other had picked out and tagged the summer before. He would always cut down a little one for me to have in my room.  8)

Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Pen on October 23, 2010, 10:23:12 AM
Now that's a Norman Rockwell picture!
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 23, 2010, 11:13:10 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Nana on October 23, 2010, 04:37:34 PM
Lovely memories
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 25, 2010, 07:25:55 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on October 23, 2010, 09:54:42 AM
When I was a little girl (we are talking about the early 1930s here, girls) my dad would drive up to our summer log cabin taking me with him and cut down the Christmas tree my other had picked out and tagged the summer before. He would always cut down a little one for me to have in my room.  8)
Awww.  I love this story. What a lucky little girl you were!
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 25, 2010, 07:40:38 PM
It wasn't always that lovely of course, but that part of it was.  My dad was a prince! :)
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: Hope on October 25, 2010, 08:07:32 PM
I'm sure your prince of a Dad had a lot to do with the wonderful person you are today:)  Soooooo, thanks to your Dad!
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: My son is pushing me out of his life
Post by: luise.volta on October 26, 2010, 08:56:18 AM
 ;D