Removed by request of poster: I am going to rephrase the story, so the responses make sense, simply as: The poster doesn't get to spend holidays with her DIL and DS because they spend all their holidays with DILs FOO.
So..... our local churches don't need help on holidays. What are some suggestions on ways to celebrate holidays so as not to be lonely and to enjoy the days w/o feeling lonely and alone and neglected?
Thanks!
Welcome...what we did when that happened for different reasons; my eldest son died and my younger son moved to Hawaii...was we went away. Sometimes to a lovely bed and breakfast, sometimes on an RV jaunt to an exotic spot...sometimes on a cruise. The house was too empty and we needed something to look forward and remember fondly afterward...not something to get though (endure) and try to forget. Sending love...
Is there any way that your DIL's FOO could include the two of you on some of the ocassions? On the holidays that our DS isn't coming, we get together with our DD's in-laws and other times our FDIL's mother just so that we're not alone, it works out really good.
We've got a similar issue, Justanoldgrandma. Oh, and welcome BTW!
You're not alone. I hope you find a way to deal with this that works for you. My DH & I are still trying to work it out; travel isn't possible usually (we have weird scheduling issues and limited funds) and we're not likely to be invited to join DIL's FOO. Around any holiday or celebratory time I get a little sad & envious of DS's ILs. Being grateful for what we do have is a start...I also try to do something comforting for myself and DH even if it's as simple as buying a special bottle of wine, cooking a comforting meal or lighting the "good" candles.
Hi Grandma ......after the last Christmas I had ,I would love to get away for the next one and forget about family get togethers that never happen .....!
Welcome Justanoldgrandma :) Funny username.
If you haven't already done so please read the Modified Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First. We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.
Hopefully your DS will get tired of DILs family taking over holidays, I've been there and done that. It gets very old.
When I was overseas I visited orphanages, I don't know if that is an option for you. Now DH, DD and I deliver meals through the Salvation Army on most holiday mornings.
Pam1, that sounds absolutely wonderful! Do you mind sharing how you go about doing that?
Thanks, all; I can use even more suggestions and commiserations! It helps.
Pam, when you said that it gets old (dil having all holidays at her family's) did you mean it got old w you or w your son or with your whole family?
Did anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?
I have read the Help and can't figure out how to pm any of you; help! How do I do that?! I'm confused!
Thanks!
Sure :) I call about a month before Easter to sign up and they give you a timeframe to show up and load your vehicle with all the boxes. Depending on the size of the family depends on how many families you deliver to. We have delivered from around 7 - 15. It generally takes about an hour but we also live in the city so we are given addresses fairly close to each other.
Now for Thanksgiving/Christmas I generally call in August to get our names on both lists. Those fill up fast and sometimes we didn't make it on the list. But we came in as back ups and waited for a no-show and took over their route.
It is a lot of fun, most of the deliveries are to elderly people with no family around. We've actually made a few family friends this way.
We also Adopt a Family at Xmas. Usually women shelters or childrens law centers put these on. Around Thanksgiving call around or google your area. They typically ask you to spend $75 per person and you can say how many people you're willing to adopt. You are then given a list with only first names and ages and areas of interest. DD has a lot of fun picking out toys for other kids and it's a good experience for her in realizing that Xmas is about giving. They have a drop off time that you take the gifts to them, sometimes they ask for them to be wrapped and labeled but lately they have been asking for unwrapped and just tagged.
QuoteDid anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?
I think this is the "real" reason you wrote - and no, I did not have any luck trying to "buck the system". We are lucky in that our younger son lives nearby and our DIL always, always makes sure there is time for us. Our elder son - well, you know the drift - too busy, no choice as we must go, etc. etc. etc. Now, whenever I plan a holiday function, I always consult with our younger son and his wife, we set plans and then inform the elder son of the details. Funny, he has come more times without being consulted than being consulted; nonetheless, we don't expect him and his family to "show"; when they do (rarely), it is a bonus. I think he has realized that "life goes on without him" and so have we.
I really don't know what to say except to try and let this "dream" go - because that is what it is. The others have given many excellent suggestions; the best way to survive I think is to "do something new and different" - however simple or extravagant that is. Forget about tradition - "we always did it this way". It still hurts; my goal is to find a way to "hurt less". All the best ...
Quote from: justanoldgrandma on June 12, 2011, 05:55:08 PM
Thanks, all; I can use even more suggestions and commiserations! It helps.
Pam, when you said that it gets old (dil having all holidays at her family's) did you mean it got old w you or w your son or with your whole family?
Did anyone have any luck in trying to persuade son to buck the system?
I have read the Help and can't figure out how to pm any of you; help! How do I do that?! I'm confused!
Thanks!
justanoldgrandma, we do not have the pm feature available to use anymore. Members that are open to emails have them listed on their profile page. Click on their username and it will display their email or not. If you're worried about anonymity you can always create a gmail or yahoo account to use here. Hope that helps.
DH was already fed up with his FOOs way of the holidays before me. However, standing up to them and putting his foot down was very hard for him to do and he never did do it on his own. It came down to it's me or them. Very sad, but true. They got all holidays, all holiday times and still complained every single holiday.
Anyway, what lead to the change was this past Xmas. This was the first year MIL would not get Xmas morning with us, we spent it at home. We did spend Xmas Eve and Xmas evening with them but apparently it was not enough. MIL then created a "third day of Xmas" to celebrate and reenact her kids Xmas again and she demanded her kids take off work to do this. A bunch of 30 and 40 year olds lol.
So come "third day of Xmas" I ended up in the doctors office where I was informed of having a miscarriage. FIL/MIL called DH and reamed him out saying I was making it up and if I wasn't making it up, he would tell them what doctors office so that they could come pick him and DD up and I could drive myself home. When he refused they called me a liar, golddigger, that I just hated them and I was probably at work or at home. Much more to that but you get the gist.
DH was unable to handle them himself and informed me during the middle of my miscarriage. I was livid, they intrude on every part of our lives and here they go again. Trust me, if your DILs FOO is so bold as to claim all holidays, they have issues as my DHs FOO does with severe enmeshment and this kind of thing gets very, very old.
So yeah, it was either me or them. They will not get any part of this next years holidays for sure, Xmas never again and we will talk about any other holidays but I don't think it will be happening for awhile. I talk to them but it is hi and bye and nothing substantial. I tried reconnecting again up until the point MIL denied ever knowing anything about the Xmas fiasco last month. So there you have it, if they do not care enough to learn from this, it is not my responsibility. If we ever share a holiday again it will be at my home for a couple of hours, they will not dominate and take over my family again. DH is free to go if he wants, DD and I will not step foot in their house during a holiday.
My parents didn't say much, they were hurt but I also didn't realize it for awhile. We are a very large family (similar to DHs) but my family is much more relaxed. Most of the time it's see you when I see you. We don't need to see each other all the time to show love and no one competes as they do in DHs family. So basically I took their generous spirit and kind of abused it. It wasn't until the miscarriage fiasco that they said something and my dad asked me to come home, which anyone knowing how my FOO works, this is usual. It kind of scared DH straight lol.
So that's just my story, you hold on to hope there. Something will give.
Pam, your story always makes me livid, too. It would be a long time before I felt like spending another holiday with anyone who treated me that way, if ever.
The difference is, those of us who miss every holiday due to a DIL's FOO's selfishness don't have any leverage. What can we do or say that won't cause further distance or a cut off? We are at the mercy of a DS who may or may not stand up for his own FOO.
I was lucky; my DS finally did speak up. We don't get an equal share of holidays or other celebrations, and we don't get anything close to the same amount of casual visiting time either, but at least we now get every other Christmas Day (DIL's FOO gets a week every Christmas whether or not they get the actual "day of.")
It's like so-called "enriched" white bread - they take every good nutrient out, put very few back in, and we're supposed to believe we're better off than before, LOL.
My DS is planning to move in temporarily with his f/dw FOO , so I guess I can say goodbye to any visits .As they will now be further away I think I will be put on the back burner once again .Hope I am proved wrong ...... :(
Lancaster Lady, what is f/dw FOO? I know FOO is Family of Origin; f is father? dw is dear wife?
I don't get ds moving in with f/dw FOO.......
Except that it seems to make things worse.... sorry..... I'm new here
LOL (laughing out loud) I understand your confusion, Just. There should be a list of abbreviations on the home page under Helpful Resources.
DS (son) is moving in with F/DW's (future wife's) FOO.
LL, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you're proved wrong too :(
Hi old grandma:
I'm afraid Pen is correct .
My son is moving in with his future wife's family , before the wedding !!
They are in financial melt down ,and the fairytale wedding just makes it worse .
I only hope they survive the trauma of a house move , wedding , and living with the in laws.
Not the best start for married life .
Pen, in my situation we didn't have any leverage either before this last Xmas. I mean, we could have been grown ups and just said no lol.
My point is with DHs FOO and others who do this kind of thing is that they are very sick family units. Don't assume that your kids and their spouses like this, they may know of no other way. Even I couldn't fight it, this type of upbringing does severe damage to people. It is intense and scary work for DH, I am super proud of him. But realistically if this last Xmas hadn't happened, I knew he would be a lot more behind then he is now.
I guess I like to think that something will give. Whether it's your children talking sense into them or you modeling healthy family behavior or something bad happening they can't deny anymore. Something will happen.
Quote from: pam1 on June 13, 2011, 07:55:53 AM
Pen, in my situation we didn't have any leverage either before this last Xmas. I mean, we could have been grown ups and just said no lol.
Yes, you could have (and looking back, probably should have?) That's your leverage. If I were to do so, I'd lose my son. It wouldn't affect DIL's FOO at all, except they'd be thrilled that I wasn't around anymore! I can't imagine what disaster would shake them up, certainly not anything that might happen to DH or me. If DS were involved they'd be front and center and we'd be lucky to find out let alone be able to visit him. They consider him "theirs" now. If something bad happened to DIL's FOO, it would just push them further into their enmeshment (they've been there, done that, that's part of the problem.) DS is not going to leave his marriage over this, nor would we hope for him to.
So, we shut up and wait for whatever little leftover bits of time we get.
Welcome justanoldgrandma! I'm with the others, take a nice trip somewhere. I saw pictures from a Christmas cruise a girl at work went on, and that looked like tons of fun!
Yes, you are right -- I should have done something at the time. I felt like I had no leverage in my marriage though. It is heartbreaking watching another adult put their parents wants before their own needs, let alone the needs of their spouse and kids. I was too busy trying to save our marriage to give my parents much consideration. In all of the therapist we've seen, each one of them has said this type of family dysfunction is one of the hardest for adult children to stop the cycle. There are no bruises to point at and say I hurt.
From birth they are taught clearly they are there to fulfill their parents wants and needs. Don't underestimate how incredibly hard this is to pull away from.
You are doing the right thing, they will come to you for a soft landing spot.
Thanks, Pam. I hope you're right. In this case I honestly don't think things will change, but you never know. Since DIL's FOO is wealthy, DIL/DS are bound by that as well. DH & I really don't have much to offer in comparison :(. I totally get it, but it still hurts.
I have learned a lot of good points in the last couple of days and some excellent suggestions. One is the letting go and trusting that things will change, gradually, for the better, but I can't make things change. I'm fortunate to have what I have. Like the saying goes, I can only change myself and my attitude.
Pam, it's good to have the dil perspective bc some of the rest of us feel frustrated also; I think most of us are the opposite of your dh's FOO. I'm actually very against arguing and making others resentful so i don't demand; in some ways I need to detach in order to keep the good that I do have. Kind of a paradox!
Someone once told me that God is working to help us, that if we would let Him, he is trying to straighten things out, because He wants us to be happy, but it takes time and patience on our part which I'm short of (patience, that is.) I just keep getting in His way, if only in my thoughts. And others can sense my negativity.
Someone on this board said to forget my vision of what i expect life and family and all to be and (to adjust to reality; my addition.) Like the song goes, "We don't always get what we want"..... bc what we want isn't always the best..... and I've learned no one has it perfect.
Hi, this topic is also a sticky one for me. Especially the past ten Christmas-es, I have developed a type of neuroses about it. It grew to feel it was the most painful time of the entire year for me, and I would have almost cut off my right arm to be free of the turmoil these holidays brought into my life. I could often numb out the sadness and sense of loss of DS and the craziness I thought my family was living, but not so at Christmas. it has been a wicked brew. and adding to all this is a horrible estrangement with MIL, I have hesitated to go here as it seems like no decent or sane person could be actually locked into two major estrangements, but I am. I can't fix either one of them though God knows I've tried. I just hunker down now and get through the day best I can, with no expectations and each year give it less and less of my life energy. I try to live my life regarding all days the same, including Sunday. This just works for me and I try and incorporate all these celebrating/worship elements of those special days into each day of my life in some small way. I also work very hard in the retail store to give special treats to my customers and go out of my way to show I care for them. sometimes this just has to be enough.
Christmas just makes lonely people more lonely .All the media hypes the holiday for family occasions ,they should think of the people without any,or estranged . I for one after last Christmas am not looking forward to this one .If my DD was on a relationship I would head for the.hills ........when I mentioned doing this she cried ' what about me ? .....hhmmm......now sometimes she is the nicest person you could wish for .....and others...... don't go there !....Once the offspring grow up ,I think Christmas loses It's magic ,sadly .
I think you have to make Christmas magical for yourself. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and I'll be darned if I let others ruin it for me. We didn't see DH's daughter or my OS this year for Christmas, and although that is sad, we made Christmas great! Turned the tree on, lights off and I bought one of those $10 smores cheapos from the store and we sat and made smores on the living room rug while watching a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve! I filled his stocking in the middle of the night, he filled mine with silly gifts and we cackled all morning. I bought him a remote control helicopter, and watched him for 2 hours try to fly the thing around the living room, crashing into everything! We fixed a cholesterol filled breakfast, stayed in our PJ's drinking coffee til afternoon.
WE made our holiday. We didn't rely on our children to do it. My YS was in on leave, but split the time between families and didn't come back til the day after Christmas. I'm not complaining, I suggested it because he spent more time with us than his Father while in.
Anything you do in life, you have to make yourself happy. You can't rely on your children, friends, family or anyone to make you happy. It's great when they add to your happiness, but in the end, you are responsible for how you live your life.
Pooh, your Christmas sounds really nice. It's great that you have a DH who shares the fun.
Holidays were always hard for me. I grew learning not to want anything for myself because I would just be disappointed. I am not saying "poor me" here, it just is what it is. It was my job to make sure everyone else was happy. My fOO is one of those totally messed up families Pam was describing. Despite me jumping through hoops, no one was ever happy. It just didn't make sense to me to get all caught up in how it should be when it never even could be that way. I never understood why people put so much emotional energy into holidays. Yeah, it is nice when it works out, but why force it? Why not just make the best of what you have? You will only be disappointed if you get all wrapped up in expecting this or that to happen, because it probably won't.
When DH and I blended our family, I decided not to fight with the other parents and with GMs who all wanted the kids on TH DAY of Christmas. We aren't Christians, so we decided to celebrate Solstice instead. It is a couple of days before Christmas and we were able to create our own special traditions. Then, everyone else could fight over seeing the kids on THE DAY. I did it as much for the kids as for us, because they were being pulled in so many different directions that I wanted to take some of the pressure off.
Now that all the kids have moved out of state, we never see them on any holiday. We really don't celebrate many holidays anymore so it doesn't really matter. We do make our own special days, and sometimes we use a holiday as an excuse to really treat ourselves to a trip or a special meal.
My advise is to stop expecting anything so you are not disappointed, don't think of it as a competition, and to start creating something else that is special, unique and fun. Our kids really appreciated the lack of pressure and when they were adults, they actually preferred our celebrations together to events with their other family because we were so casual, there was no pressure, no guilt, and the food and company were always good. It made it better if it wasn't on the day because there was no rush to be anywhere else.
If the actual holiday day is still important to you for religious reasons, then make the day a private, quiet religious celebration where you and DH focus on the meaning of the day. If it is a public holiday, attend some special event. Don't sit around and feel sorry for yourself. By doing so, you are giving someone else the power to make you unhappy. Take your power back.
I look back over recent and long ago Christmases and see that they are mostly a mirror of where I am and what I am coping with. A year ago last Christmas, I was in a wheelchair trying to be Val's care giver from that place. I not only didn't decorate, I didn't want anyone else to do it for me...I just wanted to get through it. Last Christmas, a guy who was very dear to me 70 years ago came across the country to spend Christmas with me and it was fabulous. I had moved to a studio unit (low income) in the same retirement center and it was again a mass of lights inside and out and little bags of gifts for everyone.
In my son's 17 years, I have spent exactly 6 Christmases with him. His father and I divorced when DS was 4, and because the ex's family is large and makes a big fuss over Christmas and Thanksgiving, I agreed to let the ex have the holidays. My family and I would have celebrations with DS for those days, but either before or after. (DS once told me that he liked the fact that every birthday and holiday lasted about a week, since there were at least 2 and sometimes 3 celebrations with different groups in the family.) The first two or three were very hard, even though I'm not a holiday person. What finally worked for me is planning something really fun for myself, especially after my parents died and I really was entirely alone on the holiday. I typically start the planning a couple months out, and make sure that it's something that's a real treat for me. A couple of times, I've delivered meals for Food and Friends. (The ex used to take DS to deliver for Meals on Wheels on Thanksgiving day.) I think the first year is just plain going to be hard, but after that it's up to you to take good care of yourself and plan things that make you happy.
Pooh, check out those duck and chicken hunter games....tons of fun. We lost our duck on Xmas outside, the wind carried it away.
I know for a fact that my OS and family will not be here for any holiday except for Christmas when they usually come for a week. My YS might or might not be here for that. But he does try. My DD splits holidays with us and her in-laws. I have learned to take whatever I can get and go with the flow. Between my SIL and myself we do the other holidays with our blended families. She knows anything I have, all of her family is invited and the same with mine for stuff she has.
Just try and make yourself happy and busy. DH and I have ended up having Christmas lunch at the Waffle House a couple of times over the years.
QuoteI really don't know what to say except to try and let this "dream" go - because that is what it is.
This is my quote to "justanoldgrandma". What some of you don't know is that Father's Day is supposed to be "our" holiday. Our son is divorced from his wife and is raising his children alone. The kids see their mother once every three weeks or so. Well, guess what - she wants them this weekend and our spineless son has agreed. I rarely see them any more (especially the older girl); in fact, I'm not sure I would even recognize her in a crowd. And yes, it hurts and I shed a tear; but I did not cry. So - justanoldgrandma - I know how hard it is - but after being kicked and tossed to the curb again and again and again, it does get better.
One thing I do that I know causes some "problems" and frankly, I don't care, is that I write to the children and wish them a "happy whatever" and then describe what we are doing. I want them to know that they have always been included and that they are missed. Some day, they will remember these e-mails and some day they will realize how "unfair" their mother and their father was. You see, the mother used to tell the children that we did not celebrate holidays - it made it easier for her (and I suppose for our son). Whatever - it still hurts ...
FAFE, chinese restaurants are fun too
I will have to check those out. DH doesn't do the whole hunting, fishing stuff. Being raised vegetarian, that was not an option. He does love the karaoke machine I bought him for Christmas last year though...although while I'm holding my ears in the kitchen sometimes, I wonder if I thought it through.....
LOL! I've given DH a gift or two that ended up annoying me, too. True love...
It has to be because I just went out in a major thunderstorm to buy him "hot and sour" soup because he text me from work and said his throat was hurting...AND now he's texting me fussing at me for going out in the thunderstorm....Lol
Oh, Pooh...ROTFL!! ;D ;D ;D
Great replies; hope it keeps going at times bc it's nearly Father's Day and then 4th of July and before you know it, the major ones, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I see some people get some or all of the kids/gkids all/some of the time, some alternate, some get none of the kids/gkids any of the time....
It's very hard to be estranged from any of them; some of it is distance, some of it is conflicts of this or that.
I appreciate the ideas from those of you who have made the best of it and enjoy the holiday (or skipped it!)
I'm working hard to keep the family intact (attitude change) even though we aren't the "winners" in having anyone here or going there for holidays.
Being upset just ruins whatever spirit is in the holiday itself. I love the suggestions, many that I never would have thought of!
After stepping back 6 mos ago, we've spent a total of 5 hours with dd. It took a lot of effort, but I finally embraced the idea of having no expectations. That's a tall order! Dd has continued to call, about once a week or so. That satisfies her, but it leaves a lot to be desired where we & gc are concerned. For the first time this year, we've been invited to their home for F.D.. We feel dd views it as a duty rather than desire. To me, it's an insult to celebrate M.D. & F.D. when we're not considered the remainder of the year. In some ways, I think this one way street is more painful than being cutoff altogether. It's like we're puppets that she brings out on special occasions. We'll be going to ygs' 2nd b-day party in a couple of months. He doesn't even know who we are. What purpose does it serve to include us? Is it just so dd won't have to explain why we're a no-show? Dd treats us as though we have an on-off switch. How do I cross that hurdle? How do I enjoy being with dd when I don't truly feel welcome?
I don't know how I would deal with that. I know you don't want to draw the line and be 100% excluded but it is asking an awful lot of you to force such insincerity. I'm so sorry. Sending love...
QuoteHow do I enjoy being with dd when I don't truly feel welcome?
You can't, but in my opinion, it is the lesser of two evils. Our son and his two children brought cards over to our home prior to Mother's Day. I opened my cards and expressed appreciation, then we sat for five minutes - with very little to say. I don't know him or our grandchildren any more. However, this is the first time he made this effort in over 10 years and I will take "whatever" bit I get and be thankful. It really is better than nothing. And, I have gotten really good at "pretending" - if your daughter (or son-in-law) knows this bothers you and/or your husband, then she will have a reason to exclude you from her life and her grandchildren's lives. I know - been there.
Father's Day is this week-end. I wonder if my husband will also have a surprise visit. I know the children will be spending the week-end with their mother (she gets ALL of the holidays even though our son is raising the children) so maybe, like Mother's Day, they might just "pop" over. By the way, five hours with your daughter in six months is more than I have spent with our son in six years (and he lives less than half a mile away). A little bit is better than nothing at all.
I can understand you feeling that way Rose, as I would too. I guess the hope would be if you can go and be gracious about the time she is giving, maybe she will want to give more time and want you around more? I know that's a tough order when you feel the way you do, but worth a shot. If it doesn't work out that way, then at least you gave it a sincere effort and there is nothing more you can do to change her mind.
It's a new beginning perhaps? Instead of looking at what you didn't get in the past, can you look at it as the start of a closer relationship? It's going to be awkward until everyone feels more comfortable.
Jdtm, you're right, I should be thankful for whatever time dd allows. At least I can occasionally see them for myself & know they're all right. Preparing is sometimes very difficult but when I get there & my heart melts when I see the gc. If our relationship ever improves, it has to start somewhere. Just maybe F.D. will be the day, Pen. I've felt deflated lately, but I'll give it my all, Pooh. Thank you all, you gave me the attitude adjustment I was needing.
I hope everyone's situations improve...
Quote from: luise.volta on June 16, 2011, 11:01:23 AM
I don't know how I would deal with that. I know you don't want to draw the line and be 100% excluded but it is asking an awful lot of you to force such insincerity. I'm so sorry. Sending love...
Thank you, as well, Luise, for caring. I love you, too...
I agree with the others. It will feel better once you are there; it's the anticipation as you said that is so hard. Your gc may not know you but it won't take long; sometimes kids love having an adult be totally "there" for them, being attentive to seeing their toys, etc., even though the child may not yet really know you. He/she may be shy at first but the more he sees you, the more at ease and eventually will know who gma is.......
All our celebrations are lumped together, too, as all are spent w the IL's; so it's like 4 things squeezed into one weekend while we are let to our own devices on the days themselves; but we're glad to get what we can get and not about to tell them to not invite us..... I don't know your history, so the cut off must be painful, but if dd is doing something, we have to sometimes take what we can get or we may not get the chance again....
Hope the day goes over well!
Good thinkin'. I have been amazed once again at the variety of responses on this thread. Wise Women!
I wrote a post but don't know where it went...
I wanted to thank you for the well wishes, justanoldgrandma. I plan to give it my best effort tomorrow. I don't know what I've done wrong. At times, I think there's simply not enough room for gc to love both dm & gm.
In that other post, I wished I had a magic wand, as I'd make a lot of WWU gals happy! I still would. Happy Father's Day...
Repeat after me: "I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong!" Sending love...
Quote from: luise.volta on June 18, 2011, 11:49:35 AM
Repeat after me: "I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong!" Sending love...
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Thanks Luise
I was going to say that you'll probably never know what your daughter *thinks* you've done wrong; people get offended or all riled up, especially when stressed w parenthood and who knows what else when young and not have the wisdom to be patient like their parents (us!) (sort of a lol in my case, but trying!)
But like Luise said, "I've done nothing wrong. I've done nothing wrong."
We wear ourselves out trying to figure our kids out when they don't know themselves, themselves!
Be gentle to yourself and if you are spiritual, before you knock on the door, thank God that even though you have done nothing wrong, dd indeed *does* love you bc otherwise you wouldn't have been invited! She'll see your cheerful spirit and all will go fine!
I was always jealous, thinking that the other ILs would have all the gc's love, bc they see them on all the "important" days; but not true; they have short memories when young and don't have a calendar, marking off the days they see each gma or gpa. But once you get acquainted again w the gc, they will remember you even if you don't see them all that often (I've learned that!)
I am so thrilled whenever the g.c. reach out for me to help get them out of the car or rush to the windows to see us arrive and when the smallest one took my hand to show all his toys and to help put them together, loving that one on one attention. Made up for all those alone holidays! And there I was, thinking all that time had passed and they didn't remember me!
This advice is directed to myself to remember. We have to live in the present and try to forget past slights and be glad for happy moments as they come.
Sending vibes and prayers that you have a terrific day tomorrow!
Quote from: justanoldgrandma on June 18, 2011, 12:37:51 PM
We wear ourselves out trying to figure our kids out when they don't know themselves, themselves!
Dp's used this quote often; I'd forgotten till I read it here. I'll be following your advice, starting outside dd's front door. Thanks so much jaog. You should change your name to onewisegrandma! I've done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong... :) :) :)
Amen! :D
Sending big thoughts that today is going wonderful Rose!
Thanks to all of you, things went very well yesterday. I enjoyed gc greatly, & came away feeling really good about them as a family. It gave me comfort to see them genuinely happy, comfortable & loving toward one another – everything I'd hoped for dd.
JAOG, you were so right; ogs remembers us, & ygs didn't miss a beat. He jumped right in... I got the works - hair pulling, head butting, foot races, & singing, & we came home toting a hand drawing for the fridge. : )
Dd played some videos; one was of my being told she was pg with ygs. I cried then & again yesterday. When I looked up, dd was teary also. Neither of us said anything, but I feel certain we connected at that moment. I'm hoping you were right, Pen, that yesterday may serve as a new beginning. I believe, without a doubt, that stepping back has been a big help. When we're always present for dc, not necessarily in person, just being available if they should need or want us...they aren't given the opportunity to miss us. They don't have to give us any thought at all, as long as their needs are met. In many ways, I've been my own worst enemy... From here on, I'm going to stop trying so hard & let life take it's course.
Luise, I read your post about sc & thanked God for giving me the ability to understand the important things in life. Heartbreak is horrendous, but for me, living with regret is far worse. One day, they will understand. I wouldn't want to be wearing their shoes when it happens. Val is one lucky guy to have caught you...
Thank you all, you've been a godsend for me!
Do you know, Rose, what a godsend you are on WWU? Just let it in. :D
Thanks Luise :)