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Dear Sunny D,

I am also new to this site as I have recently been through this situation with my DS and DIL.  They recently had their first child and my first grandchild.  There is a long story behind the issues but it all comes down to my DIL doesn't want my family in their lives.  I have recently just pulled myself out of what these ladies call "the abyss"  deep depression and heartache over what I feel is my DS betrayal and also trying to figure out why someone who supposedly loves my son would keep him from his family.  As well as keep her child from their loving grandparents.  I too went to counseling to try to work through the pain.  My therapist told me to continue inviting them to family functions, sending cards and gifts even though I am always turned down and never thanked.  She tells that my son will be grateful and will know in his heart that his mother is will love him no matter what.  So this is what I have continued to do although many times I ask myself if this is all worth it.  But I pull myself back up and continue forward.  The ladies here have advised me to focus on my husband and our life together. This is what I am trying to do.  Some days are harder than others but I just have to keep my thoughts away from the situation otherwise I sink fast.  I can only hope that one day my DS realizes that his family needs him.  I will keep you in my thoughts.  I truly know your pain.

Good Evening Ladies,
It took me a while but I have finally been able to pull myself out of the "abyss".  Listening to your advice the hubby and I are planning a trip to Florida for some time away from all of this.  Thanks for all your support.  I will keep you all posted on progress.

Dear stilllearning,  I admire your strength in this situation and I am sure it probably took some time to get there.  This is all so new to me and my emotions go from being in a place where I think I am healing but them find my self deep in the "abyss" as you call it.

I have no doubt that my son cares about me but that is what brings me so much conflict.  I don't understand why he is not willing to fight for the people he loves.  I know his wife is first and foremost as she should be but that should not mean that she should be the only one he can love and why would she want that?  When i fall in to the dark whole is when I try to make sense of all of this,  I just want to reach out and scream at my DIL and shake her and ask what is she thinking and how could she be so selfish. But I also know that doing this would bring any relationship we might be able to still have to an abrupt end.  My DS knows how much this hurts me and I just don't get how he allows his wife to act in this way.  My DH sees things differently and tells me he gets that my DS is also trying to make his wife Happy because he has to go home to her everyday.  But is marriage really worth that?    He was raised with parents that have been in a happy marriage for 34 years,  with grandparents on both sides married for over 60 years.  He has witnessed how important compromise is in a marriage and yet he allows this to happen in his own.  As you can see I am deeply in the "abyss"  these days.  Thank you for your ear.

Dear am flautist,
Thank you for you response and I am sorry you are in the same boat.  Have you ever resolved the issue in your heart and head as to why your DS was never able to put his foot down with your DIL and to say that I love my family and I will visit with them etc...  I know it would cause a great deal of conflict between them as a couple but I just can't grasp the concept that my DS would not fight for people he supposedly cares about.  This has been my biggest struggle.  My husband and I have been married for 34 years.  His sister has-been very mean to me through the years.  My DH would never confront her  for fear of hurting his mother's feelings.  We had many  fights over this but in the end I understood his thoughts and feelings and would never have thought to forbid him from seeing his family. My DS witnessed and knew the situation and saw the pain it caused both of us but also witnessed the two of us compromising our differences.  I just don't get it.  Making your spouse give up their family just is not a marriage.  I feel bad for you and your son.  My DS also sent this text behind her back and yes I will continue to send gifts and cards because it is the right thing to do and my GS did not ask to be placed in this situation.  But I can not help but feel like I am the only one making the effort.  As you can see I am still very bitter.  I just can't fathom the selfishness someone has to possess to keep their own GC from their grandparents.  It is just not normal.

Question for all my new found friends.  My therapist stated that I should continue to extend invitations to family gatherings to my DS and DIL.  So I extended an invitation for Easter Sunday and did it early as I thought that my DIL would not have made plans with her family yet. (Wishful thinking on my part)  I received a reponse from my son only as I had texted them both.  This is the response I received from my DS.  I would love to hear your insight on this. ..Hey Mom, hope everything is good with you guys. Sorry for not getting back to you the last couple days but I wanted to confirm a straight answer before I replied about Easter.  Unfortunately, we will not be able to make brunch.  DIL'S name  mom's boyfriend is a mega catholic and has an extravagant day planned for everyone.  Last year he did the same thing and it is super over the top and I can't get out of it. .  I know you asked way in advance so I am especially sorry I can't make it. I Love you.

My husband's thoughts on this text was that our DS may finally be seeing the light as indicated in using the word "I"  in much of his response.  I am not sure what to think as I don't want to raise false hopes within my self that he may finally be starting to feel conflicted with the situation.  Your thoughts. ...

Stilllearning, reading your words this morning really shifted my realm of thinking.  I didn't even realize I could have possibly been mourning the loss of the DS I once knew.  Before my DIL came in to the picture, he was a funny yet synical guy who could chat with his parents for hours.  He know is withdrawn, quiet always serious and hardly ever smiles.  I can not tell you how much I miss the guy he used to be.  But like you I think that guy is gone forever.  I only hope that one day he will allow me in to be able to get to know the new man he has grown to be.  In the mean time, I realize I need to work on me to work through my grief.  Thank you for the eye opener.

Dear Luise Volta, your post of February 21st, is my story to a T.  The only difference is my DS and DIL pulled away even more once the baby came along.  The point of now his family has to deal with it,  heal or not... is precisely the struggle I am enduring at this point.  It's terrible to hope your child's 2 year marriage ends in the near future?

Dear Gettingold and cranky,
Thank you for your support.  It saddens me to hear so many of us have to deal with this pain.  The best thing about this page is you can vent to people who totally understand the situation we are in.  I was talking to a couple girl friends last night and their response was supportive but they said the same as most people "if that was my son, I would let him have it "  What they don't understand is the real fear of not having your child in your life.  When I was a teen, my brother and parents got into a fight over a girl he was dating and my brother walked out.  We didn't see or hear from him again for 15 years.  This haunts me daily....  I just couldn't bear that...  I will keep you in my prayers as well.  I hope things change for both of us.

Thank you,  You are so right, the words in the post from Pooh are uplifting and give me courage to face this road.  I just have to find the beginning.  I am lucky enough to have an AD who is my breath of fresh air in all of this.  Her and her DH have been trying to conceive with no luck so I will begin my journey by placing all my love and support on her as she begins her IVF treatments.  She too is conflicted by her brothers actions and has been shut out as well.  Please pray for her, I know she will make an awesome mama.
I will keep you posted on both fronts.  So happy I found this group, I have felt so alone in this....

Bamboo2, thank you for your response and kind words, they are much appreciated.  I applaud your success in finding peace with your situation.  I have a lot of struggles to overcome with this situation, the biggest is even the thought of having a life without my DS and GC just tears me apart.  I don't even know where to begin to put the idea that my DS doesn't want a life with us into my realm of thinking.  My husband keeps telling me that I am trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense.  To think that one human being can be so selfish to keep someone they supposedly love from the ones  they love is beyond my thought capabilities.  Can someone be that selfish?  We have walked on eggshells, were as kind and friendly as any human could be, since the day we met her.  I can honestly say that there was never any altercation, disagreement nothing until after they closed us out and I told my DS that my feelings were hurt.  I have a lot of work to do on myself to stop this from obsessing my life.  Just don't know where to even start.

I am new to this forum.  I am also a new grandparent.  When my son met his wife, we absolutely loved her.  She was always so sweet and said how she came from a broken family so she loved the fact that we were all so close.  After they became engaged we began to notice a change in her as well as my son.  They hardly shared any wedding details with us and they became more distant.  They did a great job with their wedding and we told them so, we also gave them a very generous gift.  The visits were less and less and they seemed to always be busy with her Mom and sisters.  They didn't come for any holiday except Christmas as there were gifts involved.  They told us they were pregnant and we were very happy.  Throughout the pregnancy, there was never any news about doctor appts unless asked and then very vague answers were given.  On the day our Grandson was born, my son never called to say she was in labor or that the baby had been born.  I just happened to find out because I texted to see how she was feeling knowing her due date was past.  Now they live 20 mins from us  so it's not like this was happening in another state.  We went to the hospital and was able to hold our Grandson for about 5 minutes because she had all her sisters, their boyfriends, Grand mother and mother in the room.  We were able to see him twice the first week he was home and then were told they weren't accepting any visitors.  After a few weeks went by I asked again to come by and was told no.  Then I got upset and told my son he hurt my feelings.  He blew up at me.  Told me I smothered him his whole life and to leave him alone.  Eight weeks went by before we had another conversation, only to find out his wife prefers a life with her family only.  I just don't know what to do or where to put this in my brain.  I have been to consuling and I still loose sleep at night over this...  Why would my son who really did have a happy childhood and always told us how much he appreciated us now think this is ok?