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I'd consider letting the title/name thing go and just let her choose whatever is comfortable. Respect isn't automatic, its something earned over time, and it means different things to different people. Treating you rudely for no reason is not ok - but calling you by your name, that's common place now.

I had a very good relationship with my MIL throughout my wedding planning. RIGHT until she freaked out because I was addressing envelopes 'wrong' (not using the right titles). I wouldn't fold and finally had to hang up on her because she was calling me to screetch about this while I was at work. I stopped talking to her completely for the rest of wedding planning. A shame! all because she chose titles as a hill to die on.. I was willing to compromise a bit even though I strongly disagreed with her but it was her way or we were wrong/rude/disrespectful etc etc. In the end she lost out. Her choice.

edit: I'd also like to state, the deterioration in our relationship with YBIL is directly a result of his hearing horrible stories about us from MIL for years.

My own mother had five children and though I know and would see her sometimes going through rough times, I never once heard her complain/instult/accuse one of my siblings. she'd talk to her sisters, her friends, her husband, but not pit one child against the other. I hope I can be that sort of mother one day.

I've read two pages of this and just wanted to add my two cents.

Very recently we've had some massive drama in the IL's family.

YBIL got involved and attempted to 'tell off' DH (his brother) and myself for perceived violations on our part towards our MIL.

I can tell you our relationship with him will never be the same, and its for the worse. What goes on between us and MIL is none of his business, and his approach of accusing us of poor treatment of MIL, and espcially not bothering to ask our side of things, has caused a huge rift I doubt we'll recover from.

^

That's very true sometimes. My MIL raised three very healthy children. And I don't have my own mother. I do have a lot of older sisters though, but none of them had multiple children like we intend on. And they all had them much later in life and under very different circumstances (little to no involvement from the fathers) then DH and I will have (he will be home everyday by 4:30pm and is the sort who will be rushing through the door to take baby and help).

So I could DO with someone to vent to and ask for help. The problem with MIL? She tells everyone everything - all the IL's do. I know b/c I've done this before. Ex.

Me: MIL I'm feeling tired b/c we did X activity.
MIL: Oh no well don't do X activity.

Next day: phone calls and text messages from the rest of the ILs. This will last a month. Constant badgering about 'are you still doing X activity? I hope not as it made you soooo tired I heard!!'

I know if I tell her I'd rather she keep our conversations private, a) she won't and b) she'll get offended.

Sucks.

I think she was speaking out of hurt TBH. Like, she isn't good enough for other sorts of interaction, but if you need help she's good enough, you know what I mean? That's how DH felt. He couldn't believe they'd ask for help when we weren't even on speaking terms. It felt like massive entitlement.

I don't think she hates you - I don't know enough details but this sounds more like the response from someone hurting.

This is my MIL also. It's like DH and I cannot have independant thought from 'the clan.' The second we don't want to do what the rest of them are doing, we get brow beat. The odd thing is, since we've been living together, not once has this method worked on us. But they sure keep trying!

I can't imagine how this is going to get worse once baby comes. DH and I have decided not to give our child a certain sort of product (don't want to get into it lol). We did a lot of research - this was initially an idea from my family that was being discussed (not with me I overheard it) and I did my own search and found I agreed. So we looked up substitutes, etc. And we eliminated this food from our diet as well.

I made the absolute mistake of telling this to MIL. I admit it was in the heat of another conversation around something I didn't agree with her. She went...nuts. Basically told me it would be abuse not to give this to my child. I told her I shouldn't have discussed it with her as it was none of her business and ended the call. This was a couple months ago.

Sigh. Yes, opinions can be invaluable as they come from experience. But she knows DH and I aren't careless and wouldn't put our child in danger. So c'om.  And if we don't agree, LET IT GO. I don't call her and tell her diet of frozen foods and donuts is going to deprive our children of their grandmother as she won't live long. So back off.

I think Pooh's right. You didn't speak for .. months? Not even 'happy holidays' over the holidays? And then send a text message asking for computer help?

Her answer, while rude, I think shouldn't come as a surprise.

I remember when we were in cut off mode from my MIL, and she sent DH an email asking him to do something to help them and his brother. We were like....are you serious?! We're not even talking and you're asking for favours like everything is okay?! We didn't even bother responding.

My DH (Then DBF) went through something a bit similar. While he didn't accuse his parents of anything, he in fact had a fairly enviable childhood by any account - mother has some anger issues but that aside, he was always loved, cared for.

We met at 18 and I know that he began pulling away from the 'fold' around that same time. It really was love at first sight, and he put, and continues to put, so much of his affection into our growing family that he is no longer calls home like he used to.

MIL hasn't dealt with this well from the start. She is used to what my BIL's do - call/see her daily. My SIL calls/sees her daily. YBIL's gf is a bit more detached but he (late 20's) still lives at home so they also see her daily. DH calls maybe every other week and we fly out there once a year (although I haven't gone in about two years for various reasons - nothing personal just outside factors.).

The reality is, as DH has told me on many occaisions, he just *isn't* interested in being involved like that with his FOO. He loves them. He does favours for them. He is extremely grateful. But he is happy with his wife, our family, his work, his sports, his buddies, coming home and watching a game.

A difficult transition for everyone.

I may need to re-read Moon's post, but I'm not sure she mentions how imporant the holidays are in her FDH's family.

I have a similar situation as Moon over the holidays with my FOO. However, in my case the IL's live across the country. Initially when we got married MIL joked about us alternating but we let her know, gently, that wasn't realistic. Between plane tickets, days off work, not to mention travelling over the holidays, it wasn't going to happen often.

However, in their case, they don't make a fuss about us not being there and instead we do what we're doing this summer - DH and I will go for one week to the IL's and spend it solely with them. A lot of family time. That's what they want and I appreciate their understanding over the holidays.

I think reading your story, the only reasonable theory I can come up with for DIL's behaviour would be if you'd taken them out and there had been some incident or accident which causes her to not feel comfortable with your taking them on outings.

However, if she trusts you to watch them IN your house all day, then she trusts you. So its odd they don't go in the backyard.

Have you tried talking to both of them and asking if its ok for you to tak them out? You need your exercise and to get things done to. Maybe ask what issues or concerns they have and if you can find a compromise.

My friend's mother took care of her girls for a while when she went back to work (Friend, after a few months, realized she couldn't handle being away from them when they were so little all day and eventually quit) - friend would get all upset nearly everytime she heard her mom took them someplace. She didn't argue with her mother as she was grateful for the free day care, but she was upset that it wasn't HER taking them out. Just honest emotions.

And I'm not sure its a topic, pam, that can be brought up without raising some serious emotions in people, you know what I mean? Depends on the family of course but it can be so sensitive. I have no advice on this one!

lol! that's cute scoop I like that.

My DH, sometimes on our way home from work will say 'What's for dinner?'

I used to get SO angry about that. We both work the same amount of hours and we commute together. He knows I have no clue what is for dinner, and the implication was (truly was, not just in my head was) what am I making for dinner.

DH loves my cooking to pieces. Makes him smile from ear to ear when I cook. Smacks his fingers and says 'thank you so much for that delicious meal my love!'. Way over the top but he loves it.

I hate coming home after a long day and making a meal. So these comments just annoyed the heck out of me. Again, I learned to not get angry when he said this - he's not some macho man who never cooks - he's simply hoping (almost puppy like) that I'll be cooking that night.

I'm having a hard time spotting the problem with the questions DIL is posing. I had to stay home once for a few months due to health reasons. When DH would get home late, without calling to let me know, I would always be grumpy with him (especially if dinner was cold when he got home) and would ask him why. I also hate when he has to travel for work and often ask him why he's going on a trip and if its possible to do it over a video conference (sometimes they do that). And when we had a cat, sometimes I'd be gone all day come home and ask why he didnt feed it.

The other one's don't seem rude either...if they were more 'why did you dress DS that way what the heck were you thinking GEEZ!' that would be rude. But getting asked questions doesn't make your son a wimp. And if it's not bothering him, why let it bother you? Clearly he's not sweating the small stuff.

Equal.

I used to believe we should really do what we want with our money - its ours, darn it. We earned it. But I've seen the end result of unequal treatment. Its not pretty and goes for generations. Happened in my family with my great great grandmother and people STILL talk about it.

My MIL's mother cared for her grandmother for years - when she passed, mil's mother's brother got 90% of everything and he wasn't in contact - old will. Left GMIL very broke as a widow with two kids, and made her wealthy, out of contact brother, much wealthier. MIL doesn't talk to her uncle or her cousins. When we got married it was very sad seeing all the tension that STILL lingers from this.

Oddly, MIL has started discussing the divison of their vacation property. My BIL's love this place, so does my DH, but DH and I will probably go there once in the next ten years, whereas BIL's will use it all the time. Its worth quite a large amount of money and the IL's want to pass it onto the boys sooner then later. I don't want it - it would just be an expense to us to maintain something we would never use (plus...I hate it there.). DH mentioned it would be better to 'cut us' out of the property and just give a larger portion of the overall cash benefit from the 'estate' after they pass. Its a hugely touchy subject in his family right now. I'd rather just wash my hands of all of it. We really aren't in need of the money.

Alienation of family is what brought me to these boards. When DH and I decided to start a family, I realized our troubled history with my IL's may get worse as we had kids, and I really would like to try and prevent that. Sometimes I talk to MIL and I get so angry. I think I'm able to handle her comments that I don't like because they're directed at me. But I know when it comes to my kids I'll have zero tolerance.

My wake up call was seeing my dad interact with my nephew. My BIL was at the house, (sisters husband) and my dad jokingly called my nephew a 'wimp.' BIL grimaced and rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Everyone else in the room laughed (nephew was too little to understand) at a typical comment - joking comment - from my Dad. We're all used to his way of talking.

I thought to myself - if my Dad says that to my kid, I'd roll my eyes and explain to my child that grandpa's teasing and ignore him (or tease him back - that's how things work in my family's culture - a lot of teasing). But how would I react if FIL or MIL said the same thing to my kid? I knew right away. I would go nuts. Probably cut them off. But my dad would get only an eye roll.

When I realized what a massive double standard that was I started wondering why. Our history played a huge role - MIL has said a lot of things over the years to intentionally be mean - while my father has never said something insulting to my DH.

But when I started talking to MIL again after our three year cut off, I was determined to at least attempt a fresh start. Part of that was coming to forums like this, talking to MIL and reading their stories, trying to get their POV. I don't always agree, and sometimes no matter how hard I try I just don't understand 'the other side' of the  argument. But I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and I want them to see US having a good relationship with them, so I'll keep trying.