WiseWomenUnite.com

 ???It's funny I turned to this site to get me through my son's marriage to a manipulative controlling princess, and you were a Godsend.I detached with love, gave them space, gave up holidays stepped back and was the perfect non intrusive mother and MIL.  I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue and welcomed a grandbaby, and still never made a demand or complained or did anything worse. I made the adjustments, I moved on to live my life, and now not 5 years in, all the things I saw 5 years ago DS now sees, she has stopped caring enough about him one way or another to try and control him, and they are planning a DIVORCE. So Now what ? Arrrghhhh!!!!!

Thought I'd check back in and thank you wonderful women once again for helping me through the transition to MILhood. I lovingly detached, accepted the days before or after every single holiday. I never pushed or demanded or even asked, made it clear I knew the son's first priority had to be their new families - ie: wife and kids. It actually became easy after awhile because I had time to focus on my needs, and I relaxed!

Well, reality is hitting them in the face. "Their" families have never formed because the DIL's are still firmly emeshed into Their FOO. Sons are getting really sick of taking a back seat, when they get a seat at all. Now...they are turning back to Momma to try and discuss things to communicate...I've gently directed them back to their wives...who are sitting happily in their Mommy's kitchens getting and giving all the emotional support from their FOO they ever did, and having a build in vent for their marriage troubles. 

So I'm feeling guilty. Its clear there are problems, but my feeling right now is they' re not MY problems. I want to be emotionaally supportive but where is a safe middle ground?

As I begin our Thanksgiving steeped in the new normal of watching our sons celebrating with their inlaws I wanted to reach out to the Wise Women who have made the past 3 years bearable. I am so thankful for all of you! Have the best of all possible holidays!

Well after being ignored for Mothers Day the AC 's descended a day early to celebrate Dad, with presents and lots of "Happy Fathers Day" loving pictures and quotes on Face Book. This is the guy who held them at emotional arms length for their entire lives, never dealt with their problems, just basically was never there. 
So after pulling away from me, the one who..you know did everything, Dad was just celebrated and I am grinding my teeth to a nub. Sorry, just needed to VENT!

  Can't let this day go past with a hug to the Wise Women who have gotten me though the past three years. Of course DS's day will be spent celebrating their wives and MILs. So it's progressed from all holidays to Mothers Day, oh well. I am actually not sitting here miserable. There were attempts to get together yesterday but I had plans and sweetly declined to rearrange my life in order to accept what was offered to me. I have changed FB so DS and DILs and their families are in separate categories I have to make a special effort to see, you know what, just don't make the effort. I do however let them know about all the fun things I am doing, and that my life is going swimmingly without them, front and center. 
No guilt, no anger just lots of smiles " Have a great day" and moving on. The circle is complete I am the woman I was before motherhood and I don't NEED them in order to be that person.  I was and AM a great mother and they were lucky to have me. Today I celebrate me, and all of us!
I'm lucky to have me, because I'm a great person, and we all are! Have a great day, I intend to! {hugs}.

  Well got through Easter, yet another holiday absorbed by my DIL's family while we are the "also rans" once again. I have been the perfect MIL, no complaints, no pressure, happily taking the days before and the days after, seeing my grandchild just melt when he sees the other grandparents, while we are...basically strangers. I have smiled until my jaws ache. My anger is driving me nuts, and it is forcing me to just detach. I came into an inheritance and planned to pay off his college loans. It would make their lives so much easier. But after being shown clearly for the past three years that they really don't see us as worthy of anything close to equal status, The money market is staying right where it is. it's clear he has no intention of being there for us, so I just became MY top priority. Sorry, just kind of needed to vent.

I've noticed when DS and DIL seem to be going through a rough patch ("I've been thinking about divorce Mom") that seems to be when DS picks some ridiculous issue to get angry with me about, and pulls away. I know I am a "safe target" but I am getting tired of it. both of them seem to feel our only function in life should be to jump when we are needed. forget the fact that WE may have lives too.
I'm just getting tired of the selfish manipulation. To be honest. I never really liked my DIL, now I'm seeing her traits in DS and don't really like him much either. They sit together and just rip friends to shreds behind their back, up to and including making fun of their kids. Can only imagine what is said BEHIND our backs.  So, since heaven forbid I actually be anything but supportive to the young couple ( choking on eggshells here ladies) where do I direct MY anger? And btw, I shut down the divorce talk with "you need to talk to your wife, every couple has to work things out between the two of them. Of course I know HER parents know everything and love getting in the middle of all of it. But hey, they are the BRIDE's parents. My job continues to be wearing beige and keeping my opinions to myself? 

Well the holidays are here again, and as I prepare for our Christmas Eve get together, I am again struggling with resentment over never getting THE Day, always one before or after never the one everyone else gets to celebrate.  It's a pity party and I need a good thumping , just don't feel joy, I guess after this week few people do JUST not looking forward to it just being the two of us on Christmas Day, while my son celebrates with his in-laws again, and always....sign 
Well I'll be signing on Tuesday.....sigh..

Any wise women from Arizona? This might be worth a look. 

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20120913

Just got back from a family party and DIL was on a tear mocking DS. Now this was at a party for our side of the family. She sat talking to my niece and just ripped him to pieces. Laughing at him, mocking him, complaining about all the things he has a problem doing. It was brutal, my niece finally excused herself and moved away. everyone within earshot was appalled. DS tried to laugh it off but finally went into another room. She kept making out like this was all in fun, but it wasn't. Question for the DIL's, and MIL's on site what would the smart thing have been to do or say. I can't sit there and listen to that again.

After the last few years this become a consistent behavior pattern. Sons want to do something, DIL's want to go a different way, and that's how it goes. I say nothing, I smile I am super supportive because I know getting involved will only muddy the water, and it's their life and so on and so on, but when did they lose their ability to assert themselves? They sure as heck did when they were younger. They have become POD People...
This whole marriage is a partnership, 50/50 and so on...wow so not happening!

I had an "aha" moment this week. My DS's birthday was last week, and for the first time we didn't see him on that day, also for the first time I didn't see him on Mothers Day. He spent that day with his wife and...wait for it - her mother. .
we were told when it would fit in to their schedule for us to see them for DS birthday...translation. "Present the presents." I'm now preparing to see them on Sunday, over a week after his birthday, and the last of all scheduled parties..."geez".
Well anyway talked to him on the phone on the actual day, and actually was honest with my feelings, saying "it seems strange not to see you on your birthday."
What I got in response was a huffy, "Well I have my OWN family now."
My question for DILs, when you got married did you stop thinking of your FOO as your family? I know I didn't. What has me sad and incredibly angry is I think women "expand" their families, and men "replace." 
Is that ability to continue a loving relationship with a FOO while starting another family seen as a feminine trait, and is THAT why men who do that are seen as "Mamas Boys".
And do any of you raising sons realize they learn what they see, and by perpetuating this dynamic you are setting yourself up for the very pain you see on these pages every day?

Okay we spent Easter with DS and DIL and DGC at a big family get together, and DIL and DS and I have a great relationship, because I am the Stepford MIL. I never step out of line, never have expectations, never challenge, rock the boat....gag. and I don't know how long I can KEEP THIS UP!
DIL clearly feels her relationship with her FOO comes
first.
DS spends his day doing exactly what she wants and almost begging for some notice, he is so completely different then the man he was, it is chilling. He discussed his desire to buy a piece of furniture for their den last night that he really wanted and her comment was "no, I don't want it, not going to happen" with this dismissive smirk on her face, and this was in front of his family.  Her family was there too and they all just chuckled.
I am not interested in more time with them, quite frankly being around this for any length of time is exhausting. the baby is beautiful, but I am not letting myself get too close because I don't want to give DIL another way to control me.  I'm concerned because he looks miserable and stressed, and I know him, at some point he'll get in touch with how angry all this makes him. I'm not clouding the issue by giving them the chance to get angry at me because I am the perfect MIL, so now he's clearly seeing what's going on. I guess my question is how can I be supportive to DS, while keeping my feelings buried and my sanity too.

well my DIL's due date is approaching, and the question is coming up on what we plan to do and were we will be when she is in labor and delivery.DIL asked DS who asked his father who of course went "huh". Well anyway I told him recently we planned to come to the hospital after the baby was born and they were ready for visitors. He was surprised, saying he needed someone there for him, because her whole family would be there. His wife's emeshment with her family is beginning to really get to him, and I think he if feeling shut out. I've seen him  around her family and he's right, he is.
I told him I thought the time was vital for the three of them to bond as a family and I didn't want to intrude. Her mom and two sisters will be there and in the delivery room with them! I know where he's coming from but I know how this group made me feel during the wedding prep, they don't want me there and sitting with DH for hours in a waiting room, just so DS doesn't feel completely alone sounds awful, and I have no desire to be in the labor/delivery room with all of them, what a circus that would be.

gonna be a grandmother! still finding being a MIL a big challenge so this scares me a bit, any advice right out of the gate. my DIL is due this spring. what do you wish you'd done, or not done?

Is anyone else as relieved as I am that they are over with?

Okay this is what's been keeping me up at night this week-end. four months since the wedding and I guarantee you DS has spent 90% of non work time with my DIL 's family of origin. They have endless traditions not only with their FOO but with extended families  on both sides. My DIL and her brother, both late 20's move as a unit with the parents, all under the tight control of my sons MIL. My DIL shows no indication of wanting to change this pattern. This is in all honesty not me wanting them more, but if this pattern continues this is going to be the rest of his life. I didn't go to a wedding this summer, it was an adoption ceremony! he is just getting sucked deeper into this dysfunction every day. I know it bothers him, because he saw the problem before the wedding, but was confident he could "wean her away". I did warn him then, that people only change if they want to. The problem is this is all she knows, and she either doesn't want to change, or doing so is going to require some serious (professional) help.

Do I urge him to start start establishing boundaries now, knowing too well it's going to get harder as the years go on. I'm pretty sure I know what you WW are going to say, I just need to hear it before I do something stupid. 

  Well I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee and happy to be halfway through the holiday season. DS and DIL did Thanksgiving with us Friday, after of course being with her FOO for the day, the way it will always be. We 'LL get Christmas Eve, so...well you know. And I know I don't have anything to complain about, just need to handle my anger at being clearly - less important.
  If they were bonding as a couple I would be okay, my son is just getting sucked into her family and I'm so not okay with that. I'm okay with my DIL, but I am furious with her mother, it feels like SHE's stealing my son. She has just made it clear that her traditions MUST continue unchanged. She is kind of a scary controlling demanding woman, no one challenges her.  .
  if children come into the mix, this is going to get really tough. Well anyway Happy Relaxgiving, and thanks for being here. " Detach with love"... Going to make a t-shirt!

A friend whose son just got married said she is reading "A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife". Anyone heard of it, it's gotten blasted on Amazon. It deals with "gasp" difficult DIL's.

I saw this advertised and gotta ask, anyone going to watch and want to bet all THE MONSTERS are mothers in law, and the poor victims are daughters in law?  To say this problem is portrayed as massively one sided is such an understatement. :-(