WiseWomenUnite.com

Thank you both. Yes I know I did my best for the time, however in hindsight I would have done things differently. But you don't know what you don't know. Yes assisted living is available and I know of one that is fairly cheap for what they offer (private room in a very nice facility). But if medical oversight is needed a nursing home is required (law??). I have yet to see a nursing home that I would want to live in if I had a choice. It is a very scary road we follow in the end- and the worst of it for me is the not knowing what may be. I have always been a planner, and have always planned for years ahead. But at some point it all goes to chance. Not trying to be negative, but it is a reality. You may get lucky and be fairly healthy in old age; or you may have a stroke. My father had a heart attack at 48 and died instantly. I hope I am so lucky (but older when it happens), rather than take my mothers path that is. On a daily basis I do not think about it much, but every now and then when I see someone suffering in old age I feel I should take some action to prepare in some way.

The end of my Mother's time was the most difficult time in my life, and I have had many difficult times. It was emotional and draining and sad for both of us. On most days I wished I could trade places with her just to ease her life. I tried everything from having her live with me, to having nursing care in house, to having her in assisted care. But she was paranoid schizophrenic so nothing really worked. I have no advice to give here except to say that sometimes life is very, very difficult. For myself, I hope I will just fall over one day, before I come to the point where I become a burden to society. I know what not to do, and that is to not let medical professionals know you cannot be independent- or off to the nearest nursing home you will go. And around here that is not pretty, they are much like the old insane asylums (unless you are very wealthy)! To that I would prefer a "Logan's Run" scenario, with the age bumped up a little of course! I do not think the government should take away our choice to die if we are ready and willing or have made the decision when we were of right mind. Sometimes it is more humane to allow that choice than forcing someone to linger in pain, or without a mind. IMHO

There has to be a reason for her behavior, but whatever it is, I would just be her mother. Tell her you know about her affair, then listen. She is an adult and if she wants your advice she will ask for it. Perhaps her choice in men are not good choices for her. Sometimes we are attracted to something initially, but when it comes to day in and day out- it is dead in the water. Seems to me her mistake is jumping into relationships too soon. I think she will be grateful in the future if you are just always there for her- mistakes and all.

Raindrops, FYI, you can tell who's been looking at your Facebook in more ways than one. Just so you know! But if his FB is open to the public, then why not look! and don't be ashamed of doing it- YOU ARE HIS MOTHER! Now if you put cameras in his house or hire a detective to spy on him, well that is a different story, LOL!

As for me, I'm going to put some new flowers on my dear Mamma's grave and think about her.
(Although we had a flawed/difficult relationship, I still love her, miss her, and respect that she was my mother.) She died last fall, and it's still fresh in my mind and heart.

There's no adequate way to express this: when my mamma died, the next day I literally "felt" a deep loss of all her worries/concerns/prayers for me. At the time, she nearly drove me nuts, always being anxious over me. Now? I miss it. Sorta. Ha!
But when you lose your mamma, there's one less person on earth who deeply loves you, and no one can take her place. I think that's what we want our AC to know NOW -- how much we love them ...


Shiny....double ditto....it was impossible to know beforehand how much I would miss my mother. Everyday, calls saying "why didn't you call, I didn't know if you were in an accident..." What I wouldn't give to get one more call, or one more uninvited visit, or one more cup of tea with her. Happy belated Mothers Day to all Moms, especially mine.

Hello T. There is no figuring out the younger generation. My parents never mentioned college to me so I did not go right after HS. Did not even know it was a possibility. But in my mid twenties I decided that was what I wanted and did it. I did not blame my parents for what they did or did not do, I knew they did the best they could as most parents do. Tell (or text) your son if he wants to be a mechanic, then go be a mechanic, it is in his hands now to make decisions for himself. If he wants to be mad he will be mad, at that or something else. I think the one thing we all have in common here is that there is no reasonable explanation for the behavior of our adult children. The difference between us and our parents generation is that our children were very influenced by media, schools, and peers. In our parents time "the village" did not raise your children, you did. I know when my children were in school, the school tried to (and did) program the kids into the new age ways and basically tried to (and did) usurp parental decisions. I was by no means old fashioned in raising my children, and I resented that teachers could say and do whatever they wanted with my kids, good or bad. Teachers of the past, and the school, had boundaries limited to education. In more recent times they have become socialization institutions. So however our children turned out has very little to do with anything we did, assuming you were a good (not abusive, etc.) parents who tried their best.

Missy- so sorry for the years of pain, I think most everyone here has gone through this "hell" and know exactly what you mean. Good for you- moving to Florida rather than sit and hope things might change. It seems that once this pattern is set, things don't change. I can't say it ever gets easier to live with, it is like a death of sorts and you have to live with it. The best remedy is to keep busy doing something, be it working, gardening, taking classes, whatever. If you sit and ponder on it all too often, it WILL make you crazy!
And, keep on this site for support- it has saved me many a day and night. 

["you always have great family dynamics stories". I laughed! Felt good for once, rather than being the pitiful mother with hateful kids, the mean in-laws, being the ignored one.] 

Isn't it strange how we forget what a compliment actually feels like after a long period of what I will call family neglect. That feeling of being worthless to everyone can put one foot in the grave. I admire you Green Thumb for picking yourself up and moving not only onward, but upward as well.
I have taken advice from ladies here and I am using my money to start a business rather than in a will. So far more spending than earnings, but I am enjoying myself. I have spent a life pinching pennies and planned to leave a bit of inheritance for my AC. But now I don't concern myself with that. I am doing what I please and if there is nothing left-oh well! I now have a purpose to get up everyday and things to look forward to. So when those holidays come along now- like Mother's Day- I am to busy to be concerned with the fact that my family is not in my life as I had expected they would be. It doesn't mean it still does not cross my mind or heart, but it is more fleeting because I have other things to think about. 

Beware- the F word is used, so if that will bother you, may not want to watch. However information is helpful for those of us in this situation. He explains the psychology of these matters and seems knowledgeable, also has experienced this himself.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goDE9ODAAgw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goDE9ODAAgw

Pen, I just saw this on one of your comments
I have dear friends, here at WWU and IRL, who don't require the eggshell walk or the "Dragnet" ("Just the facts, Ma'am") version of me.

Love it. Really hits the nail on the head for me. I am at that point with my son because I have come to realize my importance in his life. And since he no longer really shares anything with me because then he has to admit that he spends time with everyone BUT me (minus maybe a stopover), the conversations are getting weaker and weaker. I do not feel he is interested in talking to me much, just doing what is required. So now I give 'Just the facts'. "Yes I am still alive, glad you are doing well...".  All I can say is, he does not know what he is missing in a mother or friend like me.

B.K. So sorry you have gone through such traumatic events, and the loss of your mother, and over the holidays yet, just terrible. My daughter, also estranged has done and said awful things too, though not as horrible as what yours has just done. On the advice of a therapist I cut ties with her before she could do further harm, however that has not stopped her because she now contaminates my other relationships with her lies, along with my ex- two peas in a pod. So, just a warning, she may continue to wreak havoc on your life. I am so glad that nothing came of the investigation, but I can imagine how humiliating it was for you. Again, so sorry, and you are not alone in this.

As for inheritance, I asked the same question here a couple of years ago and I am going with the advice I received. Spend it now and enjoy your life! BTW, I checked out trying to leave money in a trust, but my lawyer said it would get eaten up by maintenance costs. He said if you have less than a million it is not the way to go. I have no where near that much, just a house pretty much. I will probably go with a reverse mortgage on that later. But for me, as with you, I do not even know the GC, so how do I know they would even appreciate any sacrifices. If anything remains when you die, please give it to the poor homeless who also have been abandoned by their families. 

Here is what I do for all occasions. I give a gift if I see them, and if I don't, I give a U.S. Savings Bond in their name (had my son set up an account online). I feel that kids, especially younger ones, get so much that gifts are not noticed or remembered. It is not a great deal of money, but better than more junk that ends up in a pile.

Wow GT! Double Ditto! My situation exactly too! Great comment/advice.

Me too, would have had much more difficulty without this site!

And after thinking about this dinner thing I recalled that it happened before with Thanksgiving and came here for advice then too! Too bad my memory fails me, but then again maybe not.

Anyway my boyfriend and I have "adopted" a man we are friends with (he helps us out). My bf was talking to the mans mother and as it turns out she was ousted for Christmas too over the in-laws. I am guessing this is the case with most sons, they try to please the wife. And like Pen said, we don't want to cause more anxiety for them.

I am over it now, just accepting what is. It is just not worth the energy or time we have left to think about it.


Wish all of a Very Merry Christmas!

THX