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Herbal...I just looked through your postings to try to understand where you are coming from.    I still, even after reading your posts, don't understand what brought you here.  Maybe I did not read far enough.  I started at your earliest posting and read about 6 pages.  If there is a post where you asked for help I would love to read it.  Could you direct me to it?

What a relief to find out that I am not the only one who is rubbed the wrong way.........

Wow!!  What an incredibly strong woman you are!  Most women would just put up with the abuse instead of striking out on their own.  It is no wonder that you are emotionally challenged by the road ahead but you need to remember that you are still teaching your children.  For years you taught them how to tie their shoes and make their beds but now......now you are teaching them how to not settle for less than they deserve!  I am sure that they are resistant to the lesson just like they did not like cleaning their rooms but make no mistake, they are learning! 

Right now you are on an uphill road but one day you will reach the top.  It is important that you keep your eyes on the goal, an independent life full of love and support.  Sometimes we forget to look back at where we have been and how far we have come and how much courage it has taken to get to where we are.   If we look back we see that we are not at the bottom of the hill but actually we are close to the summit. 

As for emotional support I think you have found the right place.  There is nothing like having a place where you can pour your heart out and know that people will understand.  Just venting your feelings can start the healing.  Take heart, we are here to listen and we all send hugs!!

Dixie....lucky you to have your son visit weekly!!  Sometimes we look so longingly at the empty hand we forget that the other is full.  Count your blessings, bide your time, enjoy your weekly visits and hug those other two DILs that much harder!!

It does sound like your stepson is self centered....I was just wondering who else goes on the hunting trip?  Did your DH have others in the car and only ask your stepson to chip in or did everyone else chip in except him?  Were his two brothers there?  Did they help with the expenses? If they did help with the expenses were the details shared so that this son knew he was not paying his fair share?  Did your DH expect this son to pay because he has a "very good job"?  Sometimes the ones who look like they are doing the best are the most overextended.   

As for the moving/ house warming party and the graduation it could be that your stepson did not want to obligate you to a gift.  You did say that money was tight.

I hope that there were some extenuating circumstances.  If not then I would make it very clear to him that he could not go again without chipping in or maybe your DH could ride with him and ask him the same question.

Oh Shiny, I am so there!  My DIL's FOO is practically living with them!  Meanwhile I never saw or heard from them.  This went on for two years.  No calls for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Birthdays or Christmas. And that awful facebook let me know that the other family was being recognized on all occasions.  When we sent presents we were not even notified that they were received.

Then they got pregnant.  Somewhere along the line they decided that the baby should have two sets of grandparents so they started showing up over here.  We offered rocking chairs and like all the other offers of furniture it was completely ignored.  We were offering antiques (real antiques, not just old and used) and I think she wants new furniture, which is her right.  One day during one of their rare visits she mentioned how much furniture her parents had given her for the nursery and I said "Of course they did sweetie, they are so involved!  I am so happy for you!"  Before I found this site I would not have reacted that way to her comment.  It would have hurt me and I would have brewed about it for a long time.  What is the difference?

The difference is that I decided that she did not have the power to make me feel hurt if I decided not to be hurt.  The difference is that I was loving my life even without my DS in it.  The difference is that I found out that my life was happier if I was not that involved in their lives.  The difference is that I am no longer desperately trying to be included.  Jealousy is a very unhappy emotion, one that should be kicked out of our lives.

The road to get to this point can be a long one but it starts when you decide that you have a life to enjoy regardless of whether your DS enjoys it with you.  You have finished your job.  Now is your time.  Just remember that what you focus on expands so keep your focus on the things that bring you joy and one day, hopefully, your DS and DIL will be among those things. 

Good luck!!

It is hard to let them go and it hurts, but the harder we try to pull them back the more they struggle to be free.  Sometimes if we let go they miss us.  Sometimes they even move towards us.  I hope yours misses you....and soon. 

Oh my goodness.....what a day!!  We had a wonderful time babysitting and she was such an easy child to take care of! 

I hope I finally met my real DIL.  She is so different from the girl I knew that I feel at a loss.  I have no idea who that other person was but I am really glad she did not show up on Thanksgiving.  I know having a baby changes you and I was really looking forward to seeing how it would change them but I did not expect this.  We had actual conversations.  Pleasant ones!  About real things. And we actually agreed about things.  What happened to the self centered girl my DS married?  I have no idea if it was the child or the therapy but something worked.  I hope things do not revert.  It is nice to see some of what my DS saw all along.  It is sad that we had to go through all of this but hopefully it is behind us.  Thank you all for your support!

I cannot believe it!  About a week ago my DS contacted me and said that he, his wife and their new baby would like to spend Thanksgiving Day here!  This will be the first time in years that he has been here for Thanksgiving and the first time ever for the other two.  There followed several text messages offering choices about what I would cook that would fit in with her rather restrictive diet because I do not want to fix a meal and have her not eat (happened once).  I was still trying to let that soak in when my DIL texted me this morning asking for me to babysit tomorrow!  They are going to let me keep the new grand ( 3 months old) overnight!!  They are planning a big day tomorrow with her family.  A separate Thanksgiving celebration to be followed by a movie (during which I would babysit) and when she asked how late they could pick the little darling up I suggested the overnight.  I still don't believe that she said yes!

I think that lately she has been comparing monster-in-law stories with her married friends.  At the hospital when we visited one of her friends compared me to her MIL and said we were not near as intrusive as her IL's were.  So.....

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!  When I was going crazy you calmed me down!  If it were not for this wonderful site and all of you incredible women (especially Louise!) I doubt that this would be happening.  The harder he pulled away the more hurt I felt and the more desperate I got.  Nothing changed until I pulled away and I could not have done that without you!  I will never forget the feeling I had when I found this site.  What a relief to know that I was not alone!  I had never even considered that I had a life to enjoy with or without them!!  I don't call them, text them, email them or accept all of their invitations.  I have a life and I will not stop everything to be a part of their life.  If they call I am happy, if not I am happy.  Thanks so much!!!!!

So wisewomanalso......what is your story?  What brought you to our site?

Yeah, after all we are just preparing our kids for life and everybody knows if you mess up in life you get a time out.  Of course you never know who your cell mates may be......

I think both parents and ACs have a hard time adjusting to the new adult to adult relationship.  Any comment made by the parents (even opinions in a discussion) have much more impact on the AC until the AC actually accepts that he/she is an adult and the parents' opinion is actually only an opinion and not a mandate.  The parents also have to adjust to the fact that the AC is in charge of their own life and any mistakes the AC makes are his/hers and are not up to the parents to 'fix'.  This applies once the AC is self sufficient and if the AC is not self sufficient and is still doing things the parent disagrees with then it is time for the AC to be self sufficient and the parent needs to withdraw the help.  IMHO   

That reminds me of a saying I had on my frig for a while....

"Those who anger you control you"

I guess that works for other emotions also and the truth is we decide when we are mad or hurt.

Another one I really like is:

"Don't rent them space in your brain"

LMLMN...I think that I raised my DS to appreciate the value of a dollar.  He had to pay for many of the things some young adults take for granted.  However, I could not protect him from, or prepare him for, meeting someone who had managed to get everything handed to her on a silver platter.  She had a newer car than either myself or my DH drove.  Her cell phone bill was paid for by her parents in spite of the fact that they were stretched very thin.  The next thing I knew my DS was at my house contemplating out loud about how he would inherit it.  I still have not really processed this.  Not sure I really want to.  Who is this person?

My Dad used a belt and my Mom used a hairbrush but they only did it when I had done something wrong and never in a fit of rage.  I do not hold it against them.  They were raising 5 children and if you lost control things spiraled quickly.  When I got older (over say 7) they would sometimes offer a longer drawn out penance but I always opted for the licks.  Lets get it over with.  By the time I was a teenager all it took was the fact that I had disappointed them and I punished myself mentally for my wrong.  I loved them deeply until the day they died.