My dh came to me this morning when we were home alone and expressed deep sadness that our dd does not know his father. He told me it was eating him up and he wanted my permission to invite his father back into our lives. I have deep reservations about this and it really took me by surprise. I should have known when he was so quick to send his aunt a card inviting her over that this would be the next step. I can not tell a grown man he can not invite his father into our lives. But his father's wife has said and done so many cruel things to me and wants nothing to do with my kids. How will this all work? If she says sorry to me it will never be enough, it will not fix it. If she still wants to fight I will not do it. I will not kiss up to her ever again but I will not continue to fight I would rather stay in a cut off forever than fight with someone for years. And I do not know how to pretend it never happened. I told dh I would think about going along with it, but as for now the boundaries would be: all kids are equal, bio or not, the minute they are not kind to my kids it is over, it sounds cruel but kids do not need mind games, his wife could never be alone with any of the kids for any amount of time ever, he is not leave me alone with her for any amount of time, she never drives a member of our family anywhere ever for any reason, and they do not get holidays. We already visit three inlaws for holidays and they can wait to a week later if need be they have been too nasty to ever be a priority to me. Dh said he agreed to all that, but would not move ahead until I was totally sure. I apreciated all his patience with me and told me if he still wanted to pursue it at the end of the month we will revist this talk. What would ya'll do? I am so uncomfortable and stressed!
DGG I am in a similar position. My husband has a relationship (not much of one but a relationship none the less) with his parents, while I do not. He generally sees them about 4 times a year, he takes our children with him. I am civil if we happen to cross paths at family occasions but otherwise, I don't see them. I don't go to their home, I don't invite them to mine, if they ring I hand the phone to my husband.
I know that I will never get any sort of apology or even an acknowledgement of mils treatment of me. I can't forget the many things she did. I can't hold the rug while she sweeps everything under it and make like nothing ever happened.
You have my deepest sympathy, it's a difficult position to be in. I love my husband and if he really wanted me to go with him to their house, I probably would, because it was what he wanted, I'd honestly do anything for him. Thankfully that situation hasn't come about yet. The worst I have had to face was at my husband's paternal grandfather's funeral. Husband was giving a eulogy and I had promised him if he broke down I would go to him. He did and I went to him and finished his eulogy for him. When the service was over Mil was waiting for me at the church entrance and there was no way to politely avoid her without causing a scene I hung around inside as long as I could. When I exited she grabbed me and hugged me then She thanked me! Perhaps it was wrong of me but I threw up a little in my mouth and silently walked to my waiting husband. I went to the funeral for my husband, I went up front for my husband. Nothing I did that day was for her and thanks to all her previous actions, nothing ever will be.
I agree totally that you can't keep your DH from having a relationship with his parents. He's an adult, and it's his choice who he associates with. For your kids, you do get input. I'm guessing from the way you've talked about SMIL that she'd play mind games and talk badly about you. So no kids around SMIL. That should be easy enough to do, and I would assume your DH would agree that she can't be trusted if he's currently cut off from her. Would FIL be willing to meet alone with DH?
After the ILs became too much for me to handle, I just stopped. DH was welcome to go whenever he wanted, but he wasn't allowed to "bring it in the house". I didn't want to hear how his trip went, talk about them, etc.
You can't control who your DH sees. You can decide who you're willing to see and what you're willing to talk about and who your children associate with. And I'm guessing those are the things that matter to you, not who your DH is with.
Thank you for your response! I know how you feel about your MIL, it is exactly the same with our family! Except she is not my husband's mother, he does not like or want to be around her, but she is the boss of her side of the family and what she says is always obeyed, so with out her, dh has no father, it is frustrating and it makes me very very angry with my FIL. He is such a sweet man and would never hurt a fly. But he always goes along with her behaviour. It makes us all mad. But we can not control his actions or his wife's. How do we proceed? It will make me want to puke in my mouth too as you said to see her hug my kids like nothing ever happened. DD is so young she has no clue but my boys do not want to see her. They miss their papa though. Maybe we need counseling? I don't know how to handle this mess at all, I feel sick over it
I honestly don't know what I'd do so I am finding this very interesting. It's sure a sticky wicket.
It's a difficult position as your Fil will not stand up for himself. In a way I understand why not, a husband's place is to stand with his wife, we expect this from our husbands and our mils have the same right to the same expectation. I quite like my Fil too, his over use of double entendre gets a little tiresome but that is really the worst I could say about him as a person, he has always been respectful and fair to me, with the sole exception of doing Mils bidding.
I guess it comes down to your dh accepting that SMil is not going to change and he will only ever have a relationship with his father that includes her, no matter how loathsome she may be.
While I agree with Clover to a point about the children, I haven't actively prevented my kids going with dh, although when they were small, especially dd, he didn't take them because it was just too much work for him to keep them safe in a house that looks like a tornado whipped through it. Now when he goes I feel as if he uses the kids as a buffer. Ds never wants to go now, I won't make him go but dh did last time he went :( I don't think my Mil would dare to talk badly of me since Dh instituted his cut off many years ago. She said something to him during a tantrum on our front lawn (I was inside and so I don't know what) and dh refused to have anything to do with her for over a year. He likes his father though. It used to make me feel ill though, to know she was pawing my children and stuffing them with candy so they'd like her.
Edited for a mistake
If my DH wanted to see his parents and I thought they'd treat DD well even though they treat me poorly, then I'd give him my blessing and find something else to do that day. But sadly my ILs are the type that have an insane need for attention and praise, to the point where if my kid acted shy or failed to give them their fix somehow, she'd get the guilt trips of "what, you don't like gramma" or whatever. So it's a no go from me for her. Your kids are your first priority.
Ugh the guilt trip! Mil used to employ the old tell em to do the opposite until dh had a word. She'd ask ds for a kiss, when he pulled back and acted shy she'd start going "don't you kiss me, don't you DARE kiss me, don't you do it" it was awful. Dh told her flat out not to do it to our kids because when we told them not to do something, we meant for them to NOT do it!
She gave the guilt trips a go but ds and dd don't do guilt trips, they know they don't have to feel bad about not wanting to hug or kiss anyone. When she tried it on dd (she's the assertive one in our family and precocious) "don't you want to kiss MomMom? I'm hurt and I am going to cry" dd turned around and said "I am not going to hug you to stop you crying" that kid knows her mind.
My oldest boy refuses to have anything to do with her, I once asked them if we got back togethor with that side of the family if he would like that and he said yes to papa but no to her. He told us he does not want to be around her and I told him that he is big enough. If it came down to it I would keep my word to him and take him over a friend's while she was here. I think when your child asks you straight up to keep someone away and they have a valid reason you should listen. I am not saying forever but while you work out your troubles with the person and try to make things more comfortable. My younger son does not care really and dd is just too young and has no idea who these people are. I am tired of explaining to people....."and then there is the other side of the family that we do not speak to....what's that you want to know why??............heres the short version." I think it is sad all around. So sad for my kids and husband and myself and sad for FIL who is not a bad person. I am so torn up over this I do not know how I will sleep tonight. Honestly I do not even know what they would say if my dh called them. FIL would be glad to hear from him, but then would defer everything to his wife so it is possible that she could say no to a reunion. I hate having a family that can not be in the same room or have any contact because of one person who does not have decency to keep her cruel thoughts to herself. I could care less what that miserable woman thinks, but stop telling me and other people how much you hate me!!!
Oh please put your self aside for one minute. What is there to think about? You married this man you married his family! You need to stop worrying about yourself for a minute and do what your husband is asking you to do. How would you like it if your husband wanted to treat your parents like dirt and "think about" letting you see them. That is a terrible attitude, your husband must resent you so much for the treatment of his family! Do you control all the people in his life or just the ones that brought him up? They are parents and they want to be grandparents. Ofcourse your kids do not want to see them, you have put it in their head weather you realized it or not that they are not good enough and that they do not deserve respect or love, be careful when you show your own young family how to cut people off and use children to hurt others. Be careful my dear one day that boy will have a wife who may not be pleased with things you do and say and you will be on the other side of the coin! It is mother's day and you are worried about how to stay in control of hubby and his family? Please think about each question I posed to you, really reflect on what I am saying to you, and then try to answer each one. I want to know how you justify your feelings and actions with regards your husbands parents. How can you not feel sad that you say your child is so young they have no clue who their grandparents are? How can you not feel sad about that? Children deserve love, think that over on "your day".
I'm sorry bettylou, but it seems like dirtyglassgirl IS trying to accommodate her husband's wish to reconnect with his father....just not his step-mother. If hubby wants to go visit then he needs to be up front and protect his children from step-mom's anger issues with his children. His father should be standing up for his side of the family too. dirtyglassgirl stated that step-mom DOES NOT want to have anything to do with her step-son's children, so she is concerned, and rightly so. So until Step-mom can resolve her issues it might be the best thing to meet Grandpa at the park and have a visit there....with him alone.
She sounds like the female version of my step-father....who didn't want to acknowledge my mother's side of the family. He tried desperately to wipe out any and all evidence that my mother had a life before he came into it. It was okay that Mom took care of HIS children and grandkids, but not her own. Too bad my mother was a strong willed person when it came to the right thing....she treated ALL of us as her kids. When we visited, I also made very sure he didn't abuse my husband or children.....sometimes it had to be very aggressive too.
DGG...will fil come and visit y'all w/out his wife? That would be a great way to start.
What about going out to lunch or the park with fil---w/out step-mom involved?
Is fil willing to do things w/out his wife? If he is...work something out...since you've said you like him. If not...I'd say too bad. No reason your kids should be exposed to someone who doesn't like them or treat their parents well. Fil has to decide how bad he wants to see the grandkids...enough to do it without his wife is the price.
If your dh isn't agreeable to ONLY fil being involved...then it's going to be a hard row to hoe and I see lots of arguments and hurt feelings in the future. Sounds harsh...but I'd go to the mat to keep my kids from being around someone nasty and abusive---even if it meant keeping them from someone who wasn't.
Quote from: bettylou on May 07, 2010, 03:43:30 PM
Oh please put your self aside for one minute. What is there to think about? You married this man you married his family! You need to stop worrying about yourself for a minute and do what your husband is asking you to do. How would you like it if your husband wanted to treat your parents like dirt and "think about" letting you see them. That is a terrible attitude, your husband must resent you so much for the treatment of his family! Do you control all the people in his life or just the ones that brought him up? They are parents and they want to be grandparents. Ofcourse your kids do not want to see them, you have put it in their head weather you realized it or not that they are not good enough and that they do not deserve respect or love, be careful when you show your own young family how to cut people off and use children to hurt others. Be careful my dear one day that boy will have a wife who may not be pleased with things you do and say and you will be on the other side of the coin! It is mother's day and you are worried about how to stay in control of hubby and his family? Please think about each question I posed to you, really reflect on what I am saying to you, and then try to answer each one. I want to know how you justify your feelings and actions with regards your husbands parents. How can you not feel sad that you say your child is so young they have no clue who their grandparents are? How can you not feel sad about that? Children deserve love, think that over on "your day".
Betty...you really need to reread her post. Fils wife...step mom...is abusive. DGG LIKES her fil and would like him involved with the kids and her dh...but not if that means the abusive wife.
Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on May 06, 2010, 07:46:42 PM
But his father's wife has said and done so many cruel things to me and wants nothing to do with my kids. How will this all work? If she says sorry to me it will never be enough, it will not fix it. If she still wants to fight I will not do it. I will not kiss up to her ever again but I will not continue to fight I would rather stay in a cut off forever than fight with someone for years. And I do not know how to pretend it never happened.
dirtyglassgrl
I don't know your whole story...but, an apology is a good first step...isn't it?
Wouldn't it be hard to accept your fil back into your life without his wife?
Your children have lost the love of both of them, I hate seeing that.
( here come more minuses )
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 06:56:39 PM
Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on May 06, 2010, 07:46:42 PM
But his father's wife has said and done so many cruel things to me and wants nothing to do with my kids. How will this all work? If she says sorry to me it will never be enough, it will not fix it. If she still wants to fight I will not do it. I will not kiss up to her ever again but I will not continue to fight I would rather stay in a cut off forever than fight with someone for years. And I do not know how to pretend it never happened.
dirtyglassgrl
I don't know your whole story...but, an apology is a good first step...isn't it?
Wouldn't it be hard to accept your fil back into your life without his wife?
Your children have lost the love of both of them, I hate seeing that.
( here come more minuses )
DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.
Quote from: bettylou on May 07, 2010, 03:43:30 PM
Oh please put your self aside for one minute. What is there to think about? You married this man you married his family! You need to stop worrying about yourself for a minute and do what your husband is asking you to do. How would you like it if your husband wanted to treat your parents like dirt and "think about" letting you see them. That is a terrible attitude, your husband must resent you so much for the treatment of his family! Do you control all the people in his life or just the ones that brought him up? They are parents and they want to be grandparents. Ofcourse your kids do not want to see them, you have put it in their head weather you realized it or not that they are not good enough and that they do not deserve respect or love, be careful when you show your own young family how to cut people off and use children to hurt others. Be careful my dear one day that boy will have a wife who may not be pleased with things you do and say and you will be on the other side of the coin! It is mother's day and you are worried about how to stay in control of hubby and his family? Please think about each question I posed to you, really reflect on what I am saying to you, and then try to answer each one. I want to know how you justify your feelings and actions with regards your husbands parents. How can you not feel sad that you say your child is so young they have no clue who their grandparents are? How can you not feel sad about that? Children deserve love, think that over on "your day".
Bettylou I think you may have missed that DGG's dh doesn't want the Stepmother involved either. The dilemma here is an abusive stepmil who controls Fil.
Talk about your harsh prejudgments!
DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.
[/quote]
MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?
RR given that it's the StepMil who doesn't want them around, I'm thinking it would be up to her to take the right steps. All DGG is saying is that she isn't prepared to pretend nothing ever happened or watch her kids and dh suffer at the hands of StepMil.
At this point DGG's dh is wanting to have a relationship with his father and for his father to have a relationship with his gc. At first I think he has to approach his father, then his father needs to decide whether he is willing to forgo a relationship with his son and gc or to talk with his wife and try to work something out.
Depending on what happens from there, DGG has to decide how involved she wants to be.
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:13:20 PM
DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.
MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?
[/quote]
I am honestly not trying to be mean. I don't get it. If someone has treated your spouse and children just horribly in the past...why revisit the issue? Ever? Why would you go back for more abuse? Abusers don't change. They just find new victims.
Quote from: Postscript on May 07, 2010, 07:19:02 PM
RR given that it's the StepMil who doesn't want them around, I'm thinking it would be up to her to take the right steps. All DGG is saying is that she isn't prepared to pretend nothing ever happened or watch her kids and dh suffer at the hands of StepMil.
At this point DGG's dh is wanting to have a relationship with his father and for his father to have a relationship with his gc. At first I think he has to approach his father, then his father needs to decide whether he is willing to forgo a relationship with his son and gc or to talk with his wife and try to work something out.
Depending on what happens from there, DGG has to decide how involved she wants to be.
Ok...Postscript...I agree with you.
Kind of what I wanted to say.
Quote from: 1Glitterati on May 07, 2010, 07:21:53 PM
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:13:20 PM
DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.
MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?
I am honestly not trying to be mean. I don't get it. If someone has treated your spouse and children just horribly in the past...why revisit the issue? Ever? Why would you go back for more abuse? Abusers don't change. They just find new victims.
[/quote]
Well, I am not an expert....but, I think abusers can be sorry for the things they have said or done...just like everyone else.
The question is, will StepMil be prepared to alter the way she deals with DGG's family?
I know from being a step child, that being a stepmother isn't easy and there is always a certain inequality when dealing with ones own blood as opposed to stepchildren, no matter how long the relationship has been established. I am interested in StepMils background. When did she come into Dh's life and does she have any children/gc of her own? Forgive me for not remembering if it's already been posted.
I know my stepmother loves me and my children dearly and she's dead positive she treats us all equally, but it's not quite true. It's plain to even her own ds that her dd is the light of her life and nothing any of the rest of us do will ever measure up. My stepsister can do anything and be forgiven. In the past few years she has put my stepmother and father through heck, taking drugs, divorce, became an unmarried welfare mother, had a child to another guy, deals in stolen goods and even sold meth from one of my parents rental properties, what makes it worse is that it is the property that was formerly our family home. I have nothing to do with her, can't afford to as I work with the law and clearly she breaks it, moreover I hate seeing my parents used and abused so badly. Yet my Stepmother rang me and clearly wanted me to attend stepsisters birthday. I didn't go, I had to work.
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:33:39 PM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on May 07, 2010, 07:21:53 PM
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:13:20 PM
DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.
MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?
I am honestly not trying to be mean. I don't get it. If someone has treated your spouse and children just horribly in the past...why revisit the issue? Ever? Why would you go back for more abuse? Abusers don't change. They just find new victims.
Well, I am not an expert....but, I think abusers can be sorry for the things they have said or done...just like everyone else.
[/quote]
I think they can be sorry, too. Being sorry is nothing if there is no change in the behaviors. And, the sad thing for people who are sorry is this...just because you're sorry doesn't mean people have to give you another chance.
I am just at a loss for those who keep going back for more hurt. HOnestly, I don't get it. For those who justify it by saying it's family so you have to...I really don't get that. Family is supposed to treat you better--because they are family. It isn't a license to be mean and expect people to take it.
You are so right Glitter, it would be really hard to forgive the person that has abused...and if you did, you'd really be upset if it happened again.
It is probably easier not to even forgive in the first place.
But, some people, I suppose I am one of them...have a soft heart. I would give that person another chance...at least one more.
This is a harsh generalization perhaps, but it has been my experience that the only thing abusers are ever sorry for, is getting caught. By that I mean pushing their victims to the point of fighting back.
As a mother, I agree with Clover, it's all about protecting our children and frankly as far as kids go, I'd be loathe to give an abuser a second chance now. I did with my mother, she was abusive to me as a child after her and my father split and before I went to live with my Dad. I gave her a second chance with my kids, I was fooled into thinking she'd changed, I wouldn't allow her sole charge of my kids till ds was about 10, I watched during supervised visits and everything seemed good, I thought she'd mellowed and changed. The minute my ds came to me saying she'd spanked him and that she shouted at him all the time, she went back to supervised only visitation and it's been that way ever since.
To all the people who have responded to me kindly, thank you it is much apreciated. It is such a weird and dismal situation when part of the family is cut off from the rest, and it is hard to explain to people on the outside. To answer those that asked, FIL does nothing with out the wife's approval which is fine she is his wife and their dy.namic is that she is head of household, hey if that is the way they like it that is fine, but it should not come at the cost of his relationship with his only son. FIL and his wife do have a teenage daughter too, so we do not have any contact with her either she is dh's half sister, they are not close due to being so far apart in age and never living togethor. FIL and his wife never raised my dh and they have no other grandchild at this time and probably will not for atleast ten years or more. Hope that clears up any of the questions you all had. In the past as far as the cut off goes it was all or nothing, either all of us work it out with all of them or no one has contact, so my tension and confusion comes from how to proceed with those rules enforced on us. My dh would be happy to have nothing to do with Fil's wife, but sadly they are package and will not accept an olive branch unless it is for everyone. I do not know that I can do this! It is really really asking alot of me and my kids, to have her in our home or even meet for coffee. I hope that cleared up any confusion and can help you all to help me, because we need it at my house right now~ thank you
DGG I understand where you are coming from, in this case the only reason you are even wavering is because your dh is so sad about the situation.
Bettylou, I do not like to engage people who seem to be angry about things that I doubt have very much to do with me but I will say a few things this time. I am sorry you are struggling right now, while I am a DIL I am not your DIL, you should not take my situation and my words and relate any of it to your hurts. This is about my family. I have never had any cross words with any of ya'll on this site before and I do hope to keep it that way. I accept that I am tense and nervous right now and after looking through your last post about mothers day I see that you are as well, so I did not take too much of what you said to heart, but please reread what you posted on this thread and think about who you are truely upset with, I do not think it is me and I won't take it personally. I hope you feel better soon and if my posts make you feel worse then please just go ahead and skip them. Thank you!
Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on May 07, 2010, 08:30:42 PM
To all the people who have responded to me kindly, thank you it is much apreciated. It is such a weird and dismal situation when part of the family is cut off from the rest, and it is hard to explain to people on the outside. To answer those that asked, FIL does nothing with out the wife's approval which is fine she is his wife and their dy.namic is that she is head of household, hey if that is the way they like it that is fine, but it should not come at the cost of his relationship with his only son. FIL and his wife do have a teenage daughter too, so we do not have any contact with her either she is dh's half sister, they are not close due to being so far apart in age and never living togethor. FIL and his wife never raised my dh and they have no other grandchild at this time and probably will not for atleast ten years or more. Hope that clears up any of the questions you all had. In the past as far as the cut off goes it was all or nothing, either all of us work it out with all of them or no one has contact, so my tension and confusion comes from how to proceed with those rules enforced on us. My dh would be happy to have nothing to do with Fil's wife, but sadly they are package and will not accept an olive branch unless it is for everyone. I do not know that I can do this! It is really really asking alot of me and my kids, to have her in our home or even meet for coffee. I hope that cleared up any confusion and can help you all to help me, because we need it at my house right now~ thank you
DGG...I get why your fil would cleave to his wife...and I get why you don't want to extend an olive branch to the woman. If you can...good for you...and please be cautious. I couldn't/wouldn't do it.
I get why your dh is hurt. For the life of me...unless the kids are the proverbial bad seed, drug addicts, thieves, pedo's, etc...I cannot fathom picking someone over your kids. And, yet...in my job I see it every day.
For my husband and I, we asked ourselves what was better for the kids. MIL and FIL are leaches. The kids would be expected to provide praise and affection to fill some bottomless void that they have. That's not my kid's job. To be honest, my kid doesn't have a job and she's not an antidepressant. And in our state, you need a prior relationship to sue for visitation. So when we learned we were pregnant, we discussed if it was worth trying again and decided the risk of establishing a relationship was too great, that the information we've heard from other family members leads us to believe MIL and FIL are still emotional leaches, and that relationship would not be good for our daughter.
Likewise for your family, I'd say do this. Look at what's best for the kids. Do you have reason to believe that FIL and SMIL have changed? Do you think the relationship will be harmful to your kids? Once you've weighed these, then you can make a decision. Perhaps you could start with DH visiting SMIL and FIL. And from these interactions, I bet you'll get a good idea of whether or not you should try again.
I just do not know if I can do this! With out being angry, hurt, resentful, shook up sick all the time. I am a limited person just like everyone else! I have my feelings and limits and I do not know if I am capable of sitting down to play a part in a fake family that will not acknowledge the hurt and pain that was caused. One day I will type out a post about some of the things from the past that lead to all this. When it all came to a head, dh went to their home to try to work it out and ask how on earth did this happen? Her response was to call him disgusting names, as well and me and my kids while his teenage sister sat there and his father said nothing. She told him he was damaging his sister by fighting with the family and that she hoped she never had to see us again. Now we have dd who is thier bio grandchild (fils) and that is why they have said to to other people they want contact. If it was not for typing this all out on this site and reading your advice I would be a total wreck! thanks again!
DGG all I can tell you is the same thing my dh told me when I freaked out over getting married the day before our wedding, and when I freaked out over the prospect of a 10 year mortgage debt. You take it one day at a time is all.
Deal with it as it happens rather than trying to deal with the whole prospect in one hit. Handle each problem as it arises.
We'll be here for you every step of the way, whatever path you and your dh choose.
Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on May 07, 2010, 08:49:02 PM
I just do not know if I can do this! With out being angry, hurt, resentful, shook up sick all the time. I am a limited person just like everyone else! I have my feelings and limits and I do not know if I am capable of sitting down to play a part in a fake family that will not acknowledge the hurt and pain that was caused. I know exactly how it feels. It sucks. If I hear another person say be the bigger person, I'm going to vomit on their shoes. Being the bigger person would be the person who screwed up SINCERELYapologizing, not just acting like it never happened because the other person won't admit they acted badly. One day I will type out a post about some of the things from the past that lead to all this. When it all came to a head, dh went to their home to try to work it out and ask how on earth did this happen? Her response was to call him disgusting names, as well and me and my kids while his teenage sister sat there and his father said nothing. No doubt they both owe apologies...but, honestly...your fil owes a WAY bigger apology. She told him he was damaging his sister by fighting with the family and that she hoped she never had to see us again. Bam. Get out of jail free card. Honor her wishes. And, if he isn't going to say a word, obviously those are fil's wishes, too. Now we have dd who is thier bio grandchild (fils) and that is why they have said to to other people they want contact. I want a pony. That isn't going to happen either. YOu don't get to treat the parents like dog poop on the bottom of your shoe and get access to their children. If it was not for typing this all out on this site and reading your advice I would be a total wreck! thanks again!
Has your dh every thought about seeing a counselor to deal with the feelings he has about his dad? I can promise you...that no matter how much your dh wants this...if nothing changes inside your fil's head or in his actions, that your dh is going to be hurt worse and your kids will be exposed to stuff they shouldn't be. Sounds harsh (and it's horrible emotionally) but he needs help reconciling himself to the fact that his dad just isn't a good dad, loves step mom more, and none of it is your dh's fault.
Glitter, thanks so much for your understanding! I like the way you write it is so clear to me and it is good to hear someone else that wants to puke over being the "bigger person" many times to me it translates into "come on get on the floor and be doormat we want you to be". I hate that! The more I type it out and think about it I realized that I am not ready I will try to get myself ready but I am not there yet. I wish my dh would get counseling for himself because of his family. He is my best friend and I hate to see him suffer over this. We are a good team though and we are working togethor, he never tries to force me or bargain with me, he lets it all depress him and drag him down before he even thinks to say anything. I agree his father owes him a huge apology, his stepmother can not hurt him anymore because he does not care, but he wants his father! In the abscense of our parents we are all little children. Dh is sensitive and sentimental and all the pressure from well meaning people(busybodies at best, idiots at worst) to work it out and kiss and make up he just wants to get along and not have estrangments anymore. How will I eventually get ready? Not for me not for them but for my dh who just wants me with him and his family
Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on May 07, 2010, 09:10:24 PM
Glitter, thanks so much for your understanding! I like the way you write it is so clear to me and it is good to hear someone else that wants to puke over being the "bigger person" many times to me it translates into "come on get on the floor and be doormat we want you to be". I tend to see it that way, too. I hate that! The more I type it out and think about it I realized that I am not ready I will try to get myself ready but I am not there yet. I wish my dh would get counseling for himself because of his family. He is my best friend and I hate to see him suffer over this. We are a good team though and we are working togethor, he never tries to force me or bargain with me, he lets it all depress him and drag him down before he even thinks to say anything. I agree his father owes him a huge apology, his stepmother can not hurt him anymore because he does not care, but he wants his father! I think that's very understandable considering all the unresolved issues and the fact that (I think you said?) his dad didn't help raise him. Kids want to be good enough to be loved and protected. And, when those things don't happen they blame themselves. In the abscense of our parents we are all little children. Dh is sensitive and sentimental and all the pressure from well meaning people(busybodies at best, idiots at worst) to work it out and kiss and make up he just wants to get along and not have estrangments anymore. How will I eventually get ready? Not for me not for them but for my dh who just wants me with him and his family I get that he wants it, but I really think he's going to be very hurt and disappointed. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He needs to go into this with eyes wide open. It's nearly 100% likely that his dad will still allow his step mother to be very nasty to him without saying a word. Does he want his kids to witness something like the last interaction w/them...the nastiness of all that?
So much of this stuff is beyond us. How people feel, think and act can not only be a mystery but it is at times set in granite. When I met my step-son he was polite, cordial and distant...but he gave me a little hug. I took the gesture to heart and turned to hug his wife...my step DIL. My mistake! She grabbed my arms and slammed them down at my sides while giving me a look of hatred like I had never seen before. That was the "Howdy, nice to have you the family!" 21 years later, he is polite, cordial and distant but gives me little hugs. Nothing has changed with her, either...(except that I never get close enough to get slammed around.)
Luise,
They are missing out on a great relationship. Their loss.
Love you, Hope
I am right there with you in feeling nauseated whenever anyone tells me to just suck it up and be the bigger person (as though I haven't already spent the last 20 years doing exactly that, always, every single time, regardless of what it cost me in stress and self-esteem).
It seems to me that you are really in a bad position. If they want to see their grandchild, they should make the first move of reconciliation. If your husband goes there, hat in hand, and nothing has changed, nothing will change. They have no reason to change and aren't motivated to apologize and work things out. If you come to them first, you are guaranteed to suffer abuse at the stepmother's hands.
I agree with the idea of counseling for your husband to deal with his feelings about his father, and his father's betrayal of him. He ALLOWED the stepmother to be abusive. I'm all for cleaving to your wife and putting her first, but this does not mean sitting silent for abusive behavior. She is a bully and he has allowed it. Maybe even couples's counseling would be good to get both of your feelings out. You are not the one standing in the way of reconciliation. They are responsible for the way they act, not you. You have every right to protect you and your family from abusive hurtful words and actions. It's too bad HIS father has not protected HIS son from abuse.
Sorry you are in this position. :(
Meryl