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You are in an especially difficult situation because you are dealing with a step AC.  The financial commitment the two of have been making for SS impacts you, but it's DH who has the most sway in how to deal with the situation.  Is DH willing to stay on the financial tightrope in order to maintain his relationship with his son?  SS may have issues with your DH that go back to when his parents were together.  SS may have grown up hearing his mom badmouth his dad and that would have an impact.  Perhaps in SS eyes your DH has never been more than a child support check.  Or maybe SS equates his father's love with his father's money, so being asked to chip in is being told Dad doesn't love you anymore. 

I'm speculating here to make the point that the situation could be far more complicated than a selfish AC.  I don't have a solution for you, but I strongly urge you to discuss things with your DH on how to handle things and to be sensitive to your husbands having more than money on his mind in coming up with solutions. 

Good luck

Possibly even after 30 years of marriage you still don't have a handle on how the ILs communicate. I've recommended the author Deborah Tannen before - she analyzes conversation styles.  When people with different styles interact and are unaware of the differing styles, one or both parties may make moral judgments.  Maybe your ILs don't ask about you because they are not direct questioners.  If they want to find out about someone, they make comments about themselves with the question implied.  For instance, instead of asking, "Did you get that nasty flu that's been going around?" they say "Both the kids had the nasty flu that was going around."  In their mind, by commenting about their kids being sick they've asked you if you or someone in your family was sick.  To a direct questioner, however, they come across as self-absorbed. 

Of course, maybe your ILs are just self-absorbed.  As far as I know, modern science hasn't discovered that cure.  Do you want to spend TG and Xmas just you and hubby?  Would your DH be open to criticism about his FOO, especially after 30 years of silence?  If you want to change your holiday plans, I suggest coming up with an alternative (skiing, cruise, volunteer work, whatever) and sell that idea rather than criticize his family.  If that you can't sell your Plan B, then you'd have to go into his family's behavior.  Go slowly and gently.  You can't expect him to be as irate as you since he's been blissfully unaware that a problem even existed.

Good luck!

Well, can we pinch you yet?  Hope it all went well.  It's great to hear a positive outcome once in awhile.  Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Seems like there could be a bunch of different things happening at the same time.  If for 15 years your DIL has been forced to spend your visits with you when she didn't want to, is it any wonder that she's deciding to stop?  It may not be the best of manners, but it's very human.  You say your GC spend a lot of time in their rooms when you visit.  Do you think your DS or DIL is telling them to do this in order to send you a message?  It could just be that they are older and want their own privacy.  Your son distancing himself could indicate trouble in his marriage or a midlife crisis or trouble with his kids or he's uncomfortable not having his wife as some kind of buffer when you're there or issues at his work or his biorhythms are out of sync or, well, you get the idea.  Please don't assume your DIL is behind his behavior.  She may very well be, but if she's not and you make that assumption, you won't be able to address the problem since you mis-identified it. 

Keep in mind that your options aren't limited to the status quo or total cutoff.  Backing off doesn't always lead to a better relationship; sometimes it leads to more backing off and more and more.  But sometimes it helps.  I'd suggest calling less frequently and maybe cutting your visits down to under a week or only one 10-day visit a year.  No matter how much you want your DS to pick up the phone, you can't make him.  You can either be resentful that he doesn't call when you don't or accept it.  Not easy to accept, I know, but healthy. 

Also keep in mind that now that you have the idea that your DS and family are trying to cut you out, you will be inclined to interpret their behavior in that light.  It's easy to jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to intentions and hidden messages.  Try to be as objective as you can and separate what you KNOW from what you THINK.

Good luck.  While there are many stories here about truly wretched family situations, there are also some great success stories.  Don't throw in the towel just yet.

Your DS is acting like a brat (insert stronger language).  I don't want to defend him, but even though he is 21 and an adult, his behavior is very reminiscent of kid angry at his parents.  Your son may be feeling abandoned.  You moved out.  Maybe only next door, but still you left.  Then his father left.  You don't mention how his relationship with his dad is.  A lot of times dear ole mom is blamed for a dysfunctional father-son/daughter relationship.  DS may blame you for the divorce.  Doesn't matter what the actual circumstances were, all that matters is what he believes happens.  He may feel abandoned a second time because you've remarried. 

You certainly don't need to keep paying his bills.  I highly recommend you don't.  Having him dependent on you can really cripple his ego though he may not realize it.  One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to become financially independent, even if they have to scrape for awhile.

I suggest finding some counseling.  With DS if he's willing to go, but by yourself if he won't.  It'd be a shame to have a lifelong feud if it's a case of harbored resentment over a divorce and could be resolved.  Good luck. 

Don't gamble more than you can afford to lose.  You definitely can't stop them from having the other GM over at their house.  When you invite them to yours you can say no to the other GM, but that's risking them turning down your invitation.  DS and DIL have made the other GM a package deal with them.  Really ain't anything you can do about it.  It's up to you if tolerating her is worth being with DS and his family.  If you say No, you'll have plenty of sympathetic ears here.  Plenty have been in similar situations (though maybe with a slight change in characters).  Good luck. 

So did DD get home last Tuesday?  I'm reading through the thread and wondering what happened.

I don't think you'd be too hasty in cutting off overnights in the future.  MIL said she'd bring DD home Mon evening, then Tuesday afternoon she still wasn't home! That boggles my mind.  Not having overnight visits is not cutting the GM out of DD's life.  There are plenty of GPs who never keep a GC overnight or never babysit during the day who still have close, loving relationships with their GC.  It comes down to what you are comfortable.  I would have been spittin' bricks Sunday night when it got to bedtime and she wasn't home.  You're a bit more laidback about it (probably good for your blood pressure).  If you are comfortable with continued overnight visits more power to you.  But if you aren't, don't feel guilty about it.  Good luck.

I suggest talking to a professional - counselor, doctor, lawyer, whatever - to find out your options.  It's easy for us to sit here and say "Call CPS" but you need to know what kind of info you would need to make a report that would be taken seriously.  Also a counselor or doctor would be able to more accurately interpret your DIL/DS/GC behavior. 

Good Luck!

You had a good visit so I would try to build on that.  If DIL or DS really wanted you out of the picture, I imagine that visit wouldn't have gone smoothly at all.  They are living in a different country from both FOOs with a 5 month old baby.  Chances are, you are not even on their radar.  Do you know that DIL deliberately whisks the baby away to shorten your limited cybervisits?  Life is much easier when the baby follows a schedule so it's not impossible that your calls do coincide with bathtime or feedings or naptimes or whatever.  DIL may not realize how infrequently DS skypes with you.  Or she may not be aware you are unhappy with the status quo.  What's obvious to you may not be to them. 

Just because your DS casually mentioned DIL is skyping with her family every day doesn't mean that she really is every day.  His 'everyday' could be once a week.  Or even if she does Skype with her family everyday, it doesn't mean DIL or DS has to keep things even.  The attitude of "your family your responsibility" is pretty common.  I know this tips things in favor of the FOO with the AC most inclined to stay in touch, but is that really worse than foisting all the social responsibility on the DD/DIL because she's female?  Would your GC be better off if DIL cut down her contact with her FOO to match what DS does for you?  I know it's impossible not to compare the time/attention one FOO gets compared to another (just like siblings), but as our own mothers often told us, life isn't fair. 

I know I'm not coming across as sympathetic.  I actually do sympathize with you.  I live far from all my FOO and I have many times felt left out of things.  I even recognize that being left out by adult sibs isn't in the same ballpark as being left out of GC's lives.  The reality is, however, your GC lives in another country and DS and DIL are not inclined to keep in touch frequently using the latest technology.  My kids were born in a different country than all their GPs.  Back then there wasn't email, cell phones, digital cameras, Skype, etc.  At least not to the extent there is today.  It's nice that modern technology can keep us in touch better, but the down side is it sets the bar up high.  My kids' GPs had to be thankful for a brief phone call once or twice a month and a few pictures every other month (remember having to wait to use up the roll of film then get it developed then realize half the pictures were fuzzy?).    Maybe you could try some old school methods to stay in touch. 

Good luck.  I hope things improve.  I think in my garbled sentences above I was trying to say even though the situation isn't ideal, try not to assume any intentional slight by DS/DIL.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

DD, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your son while deployed.  And the whole family; deployments affect everyone.  Glad to hear you got a positive response from DIL.  Hope it all continues.

My sympathies on the loss of your mom. 

Maybe someday they will find a gene that some women have that makes them blind to the losers they hook up with.  You see this behavior in all ages, nationalities, races, ethnicities, education level, income level, etc.  Makes you want to pull out your hair when you're the observer.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that your dd sees the light and that the GC come out unscathed by this behavior. 

The thing about relatives is that they are relatives, not (necessarily) friends.  Your DIL may intentionally be setting space between the two of you or maybe she's  a more introverted person than you or maybe she's trying to connect with you in ways you don't recognize and she doesn't recognize your attempts at friendship.  Or maybe something else is going on.  You may prefer to be friends with your DILs, but it would be a shame to mess up a harmonious MIL-DIL relationship because you think it needs to be more.  Sounds like you've made some overtures which haven't been returned, but more importantly, haven't rocked the boat.  Just continue to be yourself around her.  Banish any thoughts of stumbling.  It's different from your relationship with your other DILs, but that doesn't mean it's worse. 

I thought this statistic was part of a story on families, but it is a sidebar statistic to a group of stories on conflict.  It didn't give the source or any details on the survey.  I wonder how many parents were surveyed.  Did they have to respond amicable or non-amicable, or were there several other choices?  I think it would be interesting to know if the AC of the 51% would agree with the assessment and if the AC of the 49% would also agree.  I know I spent the first few years of living a few towns away from my ILs thinking everything was fine only to discover they had building resentments.  I originally searched for this article online (to no avail), but found another article by another magazine that said 90% of parent-AC relationships have conflict - there wasn't much detail on the source of this number, but it seemed to be referring to significant conflict, not just the conflict you see in practically every relationship.  A few other articles cited the US as being the leader among nations in parent-AC conflict.  Those stats seemed to come from a survey or a little under 2700 parents in six different countries. 

It would also be interesting to know how the respondents defined amicable.  It's not like parents and AC are either bosom buddies or totally estranged.  What one family considers amicable might be a nightmare to another.  The problem arises when what the parents view as amicable the AC view as horrible and vice versa.  If both sides think visiting/talking/texting three times a week is good or if both sides think visiting/talking/texting three times a year is good, you have an amicable relationship.  Many of the stories here illustrate situations where neither side is right or wrong, just each side has different expectations.  (Of course, there are many stories here where on side is being absolutely rude/obnoxious/unrealistic/abusive - I'm not Pollyanna by any means.) 

Shiny, extended family vacations look good on paper, but they can be a minefield.  There could be a host of reasons why your AC don't accept your invitation.  Could be they are not as fond of the beach as you are.  Could be they have limited vacation days and have other ideas on how to best use them.  They may know of situations where a vacation turned into a veritable warzone in the family.  I have a friend who didn't talk to her sister for several months after the sister joined my friend and her kids on a vacation.  (as much as I love my friend, when she told me the story, I was about 85% in sympathy with the sister - but don't tell my friend that!) Since beach visits aren't working in making good memories, look at other opportunities.  Sometimes our best memories occur in the day-to-day monotony of life, not on the holidays or vacations.  Good luck.   

I'm not really that shocked.  I probably wouldn't have guessed as low, but I can totally believe this.  It's 51% of parents saying the relationship is amicable.  I wonder what the AC say.  I've always thought the big happy family image was overstated.  Lots of people come on here and other sites absolutely amazed that so many others face similar problems.  I think in the past it was easier to hide the estrangements.  When your AC live hundreds or thousands of miles away, in the past it was a no-brainer that you had little contact.  But with social media and (relatively) cheap air travel, it's not so easy to hide.  I think this is one of those things that haven't been talked about in the past so it seems like there's a sudden epidemic of family estrangements.  Unfortunately, if this has been a widespread problem for awhile, that doesn't make it easier for the individuals suffering through it.  On the plus side, when a problem comes out in the open, it's easier to find support and help if not a cure.

There isn't a good answer because what you want is totally out of your control.  I'd say try to make the most of the time you do have with your GC and don't obsess over what you are denied.  When it comes to gifts, maybe just get savings bonds or invest in a college fund or something.  Which you keep control of, not the parents.  Down the line the GC will thank you for that.  Keep in mind that you are more than a GM, so focus on the other roles in life you have.  Maybe take up some new ones.  You'll always find some sympathy here.  Sometimes knowing others are going through the same thing is all you need to make the situation bearable.  Good luck.