March 28, 2024, 12:05:36 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - herbalescapes

16
I don't know how you nip the jealousy in the bud, but that is what you have to do.   It sounds like your situation is bad only in comparison with how DIL's family is treated.  I can't speak for your DS and DIL, but I do know that when I was a young wife with little kids, keeping things even between both sets of grandparents didn't even make it on my top 10,000 To Do List.  I wasn't keeping score.  There could be things going on that make the situation seem perfectly fair and reasonable to DS/DIL, but you don't know about them or don't consider them.  I think of the age-old Christmas present dilemma: if you have more than one kid, do you buy them the same number of presents, or do you spend the same amount on them? Either way you do it, the kids can still see favoritism. 

Best of luck in figuring out how to accept the situation.  If you find a way, be sure to share.  Many of us might want to try it.  I'm dealing with a bit of jealousy about how some of my relatives (I think) give me the short end of the stick.
17
Do whatever you feel is best.  I know you can't know how you are going to feel, but try to guess: are you going to be more resentful if you inform them and they ignore you and GM or are you going to feel more guilty if you keep the info from them?  Is it possible for another relative or family friend to pass the news along?  In your shoes I think I would feel better telling them because then I can at least say I didn't allow my own problems to get in the way of other people's relationships. 

My prayers are with you and your mother. 
18
I believe the "your family/your problem" rose out of frustration at dh's still considering all family interaction "women's work."  Not too long ago, it was generally agreed upon that the wife was responsible for sending xmas cards, buying birthday cards and caring for sick relatives for both sides of the family.  I would hope that couples who take on a "yfyp" stance would pitch in with the other FOO in an emergency.

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 

What can we do to make DH/DS shoulder more of the traditional wife-y responsibilities other than establish a yfyp policy?
19
Since you've set the tradition of giving gifts, don't be surprised if you only send a card and then there is a backlash. How would you expect DIL and DS to interpret this change? Is it possible that DIL is just more reserved or introverted than you?  You sent her a nice gift and got a formal email thank you.  Is the problem it was formal? an email?  She doesn't initiate contact.  Maybe she and your DS have a your-family-your-responsibility mode of operating.  Or maybe you just don't wait long enough between contact for her to feel the need to initiate.  If you contact them every week, but she thinks it would be normal to conact each other every 3 weeks, it's no wonder she isn't initiating.  Maybe DIL is someone who prefers to get to know someone before becoming close.  If you've given gifts from the get-go, she could feel smothered or manipulated. 

I'm just trying to give alternatives to the view that DIL just doesn't care one whit about you. 

Gifts are always optional, so do what feels right to you. 
20
I want to apologize ahead of time because I know my wording is going to turn out clumsy and probably make you feel defensive when I don't mean to.  As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and know you've done your best and the divorce is the best thing, you shouldn't feel guilty about your decision. 

I think we often underestimate how traumatic a divorce can be for the adult children of that marriage.  Not that you have to consider AC in the same way that you do minor children when contemplating a divorce, but it helps to put yourself in their shoes so you don't end up with a full-scale family schism.  You say you've been unhappy for years.  Were your kids aware of this?  Probably not.  While this divorce is a long time coming for you, it's a shock out of the blue to them.  Since there's no abuse, infidelity or other obvious cause behind the divorce, it can seem to your kids that you're doing this on a whim.  They don't know how unhappy you've been.  They don't know how hard you've tried.  They don't know how unwilling your husband has been  to make things work.  To an outsider, you are the obvious "bad guy" in this divorce.  Not fair, but very typically human.  It doesn't help that your husband is playing the "poor little me" victim role.  Let's face it, in life it's easier to pick a side than try to remain neutral.  The path of least resistance for your kids is to be sympathetic with dad and blame mom.  Again, not fair, but very human. 

I'd say try to be patient with your kids.  Understand that this isn't just a small blip on the radar for them.  They have to work through their own anger, disappointment and grief on this issue.  If you can give them time to come to terms with the situation, you may grow into a closer relationship down the line. 

Good luck.  While it would be nice if our AC could be more empathetic and sympathetic with us, to an extent we'll never be real people to them.  We have to remember that we are people and not sacrifice our personal integrity to cater to unreasonable expectations. 
21
I say let it go.  Not in the sense that you stop seeing or talking with your son, but in the sense that you stop paying too close attention to your DIL's supposed attitude toward you.  Correctly interpreting someone else's behavior, emotions, etc. can be quite the challenge.  Why doesn't your DIL come to visit you with your DS?  Could be that she hates you.  Could be that she thinks you disapprove of their marriage (doesn't matter if you do or not or whether you've ever said anything or not, it's her perception that counts).  Could be that she thinks DS wants to visit on his own.  Could be that DS has told her not to come along.  Could be that she cherishes that time to have their house to herself (I know I crave time alone in my own home - no hubby or kids even though I love them).  Could be that your home décor offends her.  Could be anything.  Your challenge is to accept that she doesn't come visit and not read anything into it. 

There are plenty of reasons people don't answer the phone - they don't hear it ring, the battery died so it doesn't ring, their hands are otherwise occupied, they are involved in another conversation and feel it would be rude to ignore the person in front of them.  Try not to assume your DIL is avoiding your calls.  Just leave a message.  She may hand the phone off to DS simply because she assume you want to speak to him, not her.  Or maybe she's not a phone person. 

This is a stretch, but maybe the broken plans are because a) what you think is a firm plan is only a potential plan to her and since there was no follow up confirmation the plan isn't a go or b) your DS is supposed to keep you in the loop.  Many couples adopt the attitude "your family, your responsibility."  The easy solution, don't make plans with DIL. 

You've tried to have a close relationship to DIL and you deserve credit for that effort.  For whatever reason, she is not receptive.  There is nothing wrong with that.  You can't change her (or your DS), you can only adapt your own behavior.  Don't make your relationship with your son about letting DIL win or not win.  Continue to call and visit your son and treat your DIL with politeness.  Respect her boundaries and try not to take her behavior as a slap in the face.  Maybe it's meant that way; maybe it isn't.  Good luck.
22
There's probably a support group for families of individuals with your son's condition.  Whether it's local or online, you can probably find some very good, specific support and information there.  Good luck.
23
Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you give her an ultimatum and she continues her behavior you have put the GC in a shelter.  It's mom's decisions and actions.  Where is your DS in all this?  Is he living with you, too?  If she doesn't have anywhere else to go, wouldn't the GC be able to live with him if mom needs to go to a shelter?  There's no absolute right or wrong choice for you to make.  You do what feels best to you and don't accept any guilt that doesn't belong to you.  Good luck.
24
My first reaction was that you need to institute some tough love and insist she get a job or get out of the house, but reading some of the other replies, I think you might want to consider alternatives.  It could be that she is depressed.  Moving away can be hard on some people and it may be worth having her talk to someone.  Also, she could be reacting to being forced away. Look at things from her perspective.  Had it always been just you and her before you married?  Was her father ever in the picture?  If she spent most of the first nine years of her life just the two of you, having a stepdad enter the picture can be very disconcerting.  She may have acted ok, but she still may have felt abandoned to some extent.  Then she becomes a big sister at 11 - that's a huge change.  Then at the first available moment, she's "booted" out of the family.  Your intentions may have been to teach her responsibility, but her perception may have been "I don't fit in; I'm part of mom's past that they don't want to remember; I'm not really a part of this family; they want to get rid of me."  Again, some counseling could be in order. 

Whether she's just lazy or she has real issues, coddling her won't help.  She needs to be made to be responsible for herself.  Just how tough you need to be, though, can vary on the circumstances.  Would you be ok with her working part time, going to community college or vocational school and living at home? 

Good luck.
25
your FIL is an alcoholic who is intoxicated most of the time - I don't think you need to look much further for an explanation for MIL's behavior.  Living with someone like that has got to take a toll and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like MIL has found a healthy way to deal with it.  If you need permission to stop trying to fix the situation, you got it.  you have certainly made a heroic effort.  Now it's up to MIL and your DH to figure out how the relationship will proceed.  be supportive of his decisions and enjoy guilt-free sleep.
26
I don't think I understand the problem.  DIL used to be a real snot and be rude when you visited together so you had to mask your anger.  I get that.  Now she's being nice, and?  Is it that you want some type of confrontation about her past behavior?  Is it that you're waiting for the return of her bad behavior?  Do you feel like you're expected to become her BFF now that she's behaving nicely?  I'm sorry if I'm coming off as flip and uncaring, I just really don't understand what you are trying to resolve. 

You don't have to trust someone to be polite to them.  Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.  What stops you from continuing as you have in the past, only now you don't have to sit there seething at her rudeness because she's not being rude?  Because what are your alternatives?  Not seeing DS and GC because DIL is being nice?  Good luck.
27
I think your trip next month gives you a golden opportunity to start things off with a clean slate when you return.  Your son has made three requests of you; they may or may not be related.  It's very possible that your GC want more independence and feel your visits crimp their style.  They may want more time to do their own thing or spend with friends.  That's very normal with teenagers.  This may have nothing to do with DIL. 

I wouldn't apologize for previously cleaning the house and speaking your native tongue.  Just stop those behaviors.  I don't mean to throw your son under the bus or cast aspersions on his character, but you're judging DIL based on his accounts and those accounts may not be accurate.  Perhaps DIL was having one of those days where she was griping about everything.  Maybe these are small annoyances to her and she'd be surprised to hear that DS talked to you.  Maybe it's really DS who is annoyed by the cleaning and the language thing, but doesn't feel comfortable voicing his own complaints.  (This is my personal bias showing here - my DH couldn't establish boundaries with his FOO, so he used me as a scapegoat.)

In your shoes my big challenge would be to not dwell on these requests and blow them out of proportion.  If DS (or DIL) had blown up at you with something like "For 15 years you've been doing this totally oblivious to how rude and condescending your behavior is!  Cut it out or we'll cut you out!!!!" then I'd say they were out of line for not nipping this in the bud 14.95 years ago.  But it seems like DS is making some reasonable requests in reasonable tones.  Don't obsess over it.  Don't read into it that DIL has been seething with anger and resentment for the past 15 years.  (If you figure out how to do that, please share.  I am horrible for getting worked up about things and never letting go.) 

Try to engage with the GC in other ways - text, email, snapchat, fb, etc.  Think of new patterns for visiting and keeping up with DS and his family.  Go enjoy your holiday.  If you need encouragement/support in the changing nature of your relationship with your DS and his family, you'll find lots of sympathy here
28
I've always wondered if my ILs ever considered that their kids grew up in a family where the paternal FOO was majorly sidelined.  All holidays were spent with the maternal relatives.  If the paternal GPs came to visit, they were dragged along to one of my MIL's relative's home for the celebration.  My FIL's siblings were never part of the holidays.  I don't know if there was some type of crisis or my MIL was a DILFH like my ILs consider me or if it's because my FIL is tempermentally more in sync with my MIL's family than his own.  I don't say that as a criticism of my FIL or his relatives, they are just very different. 

It's tempting to wish what goes around comes around onto your AC/DIL/SIL, but think about what you are wishing for your GC's futures.  I've always said if I end up with a DIL (or SIL) like me, we'll butt heads, but do ok. My nightmare would be to end up with the DIL (or SIL) my own ILs would want.  Then I'll have to start following my own advice and bite my tongue a lot.
29
As hurtful as you find the situation, bear in mind that you do not have all the facts.   You say DIL chooses to work on the holidays and then goes to spend time with her family.  Maybe she doesn't actually have much choice in the matter (even if DS/DIL claim she chooses to work, that may be a cover).  Maybe she has a problem with one of your relatives that you don't know about and is trying to avoid the situation.  Maybe there is a health issue on her family's side that you don't know about that makes it absolutely reasonable for her to spend the holidays with her FOO and not spare time for her ILs.  Maybe she just really can't stand her one or more of her ILs and feels it's better to be absent than risk a blow up.  Maybe she has a phobia about a pet or something in your home that she's embarrassed to mention.  Maybe her FOO is extremely controlling and demand she visit only with them and she can't stand up to them.  Maybe your holiday gatherings are the opposite of what she finds comfortable for socializing.  Whatever the reason that she chooses to absent herself, she's not obligated to share it.  If you press the issue you may get more than you bargained for and end up not seeing DS on the holidays either. 

You don't mention if she avoids you and your home at non-holiday times.  If it's just a holiday avoidance, I'd say absolutely don't rock the boat.  If it's throughout the year, I'd also say don't rock the boat, but that would be harder to do.  I imagine this hurts you because you take her avoidance as a judgment upon you.  It's not.  It's her deal.  I see no reason why you should be embarrassed by her absence.  If any one were to comment upon it, just brush it off with a "Well, you know, she did have to work all day, so she's too tired to bounce around to multiple gatherings."

It's a big jump from your DIL avoiding your holiday celebrations and you never seeing your GC.  If DS comes on his own now, there's a chance in the future he will bring the GC, too.  But if you make DILs absence an awkward issue, DS may cease to come just to avoid the awkwardness. Maybe DS/DIL may opt with a baby in tow to limit holidays to one family (hers).  That would be sad, but if you're able to forge a relationship with GC outside of the holidays, I wouldn't push for the holidays.  There's too much to lose.  (I do realize it's terribly easy for me to type these words and not so easy to live them out.)

You don't mention if you are welcome in their home.  Would DS/DIL be open to hosting his family for part of the holidays?  If they say no, remember that if DIL is working, she has an irreproachable excuse to not play hostess, so don't read outright rejection of you in a negative response. 

I know when someone hurts us it's hard to be reasonable/rational/logical about the situation.  I do sympathize with your situation because all you want is your whole family together for the holidays and DIL is part of the family now.  You're trying to accomplish something nice.  Unfortunately the situation is out of your hands.  We do have to learn to accept our AC and their spouse's decisions and cannot demand an explanation for said decisions.  Try to find a way to enjoy what you have (DS visiting).  you'll find a lot of sympathy and support here.  Good luck.
30
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Transitions
December 02, 2013, 07:48:36 AM
You have a lot going on here, so be patient with yourself and your DDs.  Keep in mind that even though you've been aware of the problems in your marriage from the get go, it's probably news to them.  No matter how horrible a spouse your ex was, he's still their dad, so they will have mixed feelings and loyalties.  I don't have solutions for you.  Good luck.  You'll find a lot of sympathy and support here.  Good luck.