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Hi SS66-

I haven't been in your shoes, either - I can't imagine what I would do.   I have a friend whose son went to prison and she is now her gk's mother in her mid-60s.  She seemed to have figured something out because she is out among the living and involved in things that interest her.   She is a very strong person.

You offered yourself some advice that makes sense to me - to take some time to be alone to really grieve this for as long as it takes.  Then you can start finding your way back.  My only advice is to be sure to take care of yourself physically while you're going through this - getting outside and walking around, looking at things and breathing fresh air at least is an old-fashioned therapy that has some benefits.    Good luck with this.

Hi Luise -

Good point.   I'm still working on the internal adjustments and haven't fully arrived yet at complete acceptance.  So far, I just look, listen, get quiet and find a way to leave soon after and then it's hard to want to look at her for a while.  Then we go home, time passes, and we start over again, trying to be comfortable with each other.  This might be the best I can hope for.

I do have a specific question - what do other MILs do when the DIL is publicly excoriating the young GCs?  And I mean harsh, fierce, startling type stuff.  The type that turns heads.  Then it passes and things are back to normal.   It's the public humiliation part that bothers me most.

If I say something to DIL, I may not ever see the GK again.  If I don't, then the GK don't have a sense of backup.  Once, DIL came to me when she noticed I was bothered by it and told me that I had misunderstood, she wasn't angry. 

I've taken to making a point of finding the GC later to cheer them up but one is getting angrier and angrier over the years. (preschool age)

I'm basically just looking for words to fill the void.  Or do I just learn to live with the silence?

Hi Folks -

I used to come here years ago but couldn't remember my old name/password.  My DIL had cut me out of new GD's life and this place was like intensive care for me.  You all helped me to recovery and develop new strengths and I'm grateful for that.

Things are better since I apologized and adopted the "I wont do/say anything that would come close to making you want to kick me out of GKs life again" approach and have gotten on with my life.  It's a tricky path - to bend enough to keep our family is intact and also make sure my own integrity is intact at the same time.

I do run into situations that leave me speechless and will be asking for suggestions for words that would fill the void.   Sometimes when we visit, I find myself just looking at DIL and thinking, "Huh?" - she is unlike any other person I've had in my life.

Anyway, glad to be back