I ended up getting into an argument with my MIL about boundary issues and it did not go well. I will say that I did not approach it well, as I had a long, terrible day and was feeling very upset about something that happened while I was at school, so when I got home that night I was already in a bad mood. Anyway, MIL was talking with my husband about money. She wanted him to take some money (like $150 or something) and he kept telling her that we don't need it and she just kept pushing the issue. I was listening and waiting for her to leave but when she wouldn't stop I came into the room and told her that we didn't like it when she tried to push help on us like that (I know, shame on me for jumping into a conversation that I wasn't a part of ). It turned into a big argument with me trying to explain how it makes me really uncomfortable that she constantly tries to push money on us like that, even when we tell her no and that I felt like she was overstepping boundaries. Anyway, she did exactly what my husband and I thought she would do (and what she told me she would never do) if I ever tried to address anything with her: She said I was wrong and she was right, that she wasn't overstepping any boundaries, and that I had sin/heart issues and I needed to reexamine myself. She also went on to say that she is who she is and that I shouldn't be trying to change her and basically that she wasn't going to stop because she was right, that I needed to be kinder, and some other stuff.
Anyway, the next day my husband and I had a really long talk about what happened and what had been said. He thinks we are both being unreasonable to each other. I'm unreasonable because my MIL really does have good intentions and really is just trying to help us through a difficult time. She's unreasonable because she does have boundary issues, is pushy, controlling, thinks she's always right, is unable to see anyone else's side, etc. I see this and see the part I play in the bad relationship we have. However, my husband told me that I am the one who has to change and do what I can to make things better b/c MIL will never change. He says he does try to talk to her when he can but I need to make a better effort. Essentially, he says I can only be in control of myself and do my part to make things better, I cannot control MIL: Exactly what you all have said time and time again!
I understand but I feel resentful that I have to still be nice to her and try to make things work when she has made it clear that she doesn't respect my feelings, opinions, or boundaries (the ones she doesn't agree with anyway). It hurts b/c anytime she has come to me and told me that she felt I overstepped a boundary and did something that made her uncomfortable, even if my husband and I didn't agree with her and thought she was wrong, I did adjust my behavior and respected her feelings about the issue. I expected the same in return but she has made it clear from this past interaction (and others) that she is unwilling to do the same for me.
At this point, I want nothing to do with her but I love my husband dearly and know this is putting a lot of stress on him. We will not be in a position to move for another few years, so I want to try and do what he's asked and make more of an effort. Thing is I have a really hard time faking feelings. I tolerate her when she is around but mostly try to avoid her and I thought this was fine but, according to my husband, it isn't. I really don't want to have a relationship with someone who can't respect my feelings about things that are important to me but I want to try something for my husband. Is there a way I can make an effort in regards to my MIL while also keeping my distance? She likes to do family activities (board games, outings, family dinners) and while I can make more of an effort during holiday gatherings I can't see myself happily playing a 3 hr. board game or having long chats (she loves to talk) with someone I don't like.
Am I just stuck? Has anyone successfully dealt with a MIL that they feel doesn't really respect them? As a side note, I know she loves me but I don't feel respected at all and that is very important to me as I'm one of those people who would rather be respected than loved (but of course having both is ideal). I'm sorry this is so long I just needed to vent again/get some input and was curious to know if anyone has had a similar experience. Thank you.