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Hi Not-
So you did tell everyone she had Mono, right? Just trying to understand. If you did, a simple and quick apology could probably nip this in the bud.
Does your DIL have trouble speaking or otherwise communicating with others? Had she indicated somehow that she wanted you to handle telling other people her personal health issues?
You have a lot of justification for your telling others about her fighting mono, but the bottom line is that you overstepped your boundaries by "casually" letting this information slip out. Kudos to your DIL for passing it off as no big deal in front of the other people when she apparently really felt differently about it. You were vague about the situation that compelled you to tell, but I think you could have made some remark about not knowing what kind of germs were there without specifically mentioning the mono.
You admit you were upset about her not telling about the mono.
All the references in your post about your family history doesn't really have anything to do with this specific incident. It is just a bunch of chatter to justify why your DIL is wrong and you are right. Don't mix up what happened regarding your telling DIL's personal medical condition with some grand plot to destroy the family you have created over the years.
I can't comment on whether your DIL is evil or not as you have not given any specific details. You may be justified in being upset with her over past behavior. I don't think so in this particular incident. You should apologize before this blows up into a bigger fight than it already is.
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OK, I could have come on too strong in my earlier post. Perhaps your intent was to have the main focus of your original post be concern about how conflicts with your DIL were harming your relationships, and not on justifying your comment on DIL having mono to others. I apologise for coming at your post with the wrong viewpoint.
I was too quick to jump on my soapbox this time. This topic touched a nerve because of situations in my personal life. I apologize.
BigSky
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It's tough when we get mixed messages. As I've said on other topics here, I have been trained to not speak around DIL anymore.
I hope you can find a better way to relate to your DIL & DS...my way isn't working for me so much other than we still get to see DS occasionally.
Notwhat, by her reaction, you can know that it was a big deal. Unexpected, yes, but still a big deal to her. I still think you can put this one to rest if you'll just acknowledge that you made a mistake and not make her wrong for telling you she was upset. jmo.
Okay, I am really confused. I understand that you didn't realize that mentioning the mono was a big deal to your DIL. I get that. Really! But you obviously embarrassed her which is why she got upset. However, why on earth would you make a comment about your family's exposure to it??
I mean, you already knew previously that she had mono because you told everyone during the conversation. The mono wasn't bothering you then. It seems you didn't make a big deal about your "exposure" until she got onto you about telling everyoneabout her illness. Would you like it if someone got on to you for going out in public with a cold sore after that someone told everybody the you have herpes?? (FYI, coldsores are usually caused by a form of herpes) Mono is actually quite common and can be spread through mucus and saliva. So unless she was sneezing on your food and drink or licking you, I think bringing up the exposure is really absurd, especially if she was receiving treatment for it. It's not as if she purposefully went out to see the family so she could give it to you all. If the mono was such a problem, why did you go where she would be?
The thing that jumped out to me was "to which I replied that we needed to leave that alone". To me, it sounds like you were expressing disapproval of this activity which gave her mono. Or it could be that you made her feel ashamed of this activity. Shame is such a powerful emotion, I would say even more powerful than hate or anger. People may not lash out when they're angry, but shame can push them right over the edge.
So maybe she was (justifiably) angry that you mentioned her private health condition but couldn't handle you shaming her over it afterwards. Really, I can see where that's rubbing salt in a wound.
Now, it seems to me that you're NOT sorry, so I bet that your DIL got that impression too. So your previous apology is nul & void. I hope your next one is more sincere.
I'm sorry, I need to make my self clear about what I was trying to say. I understand that you didn't actually say anything about her exposing your family in reply. It's just the fact that the thought actually crossed your mind and the fact that you mentioned it on the forum, gives me a little insight about your feelings towards your DIL. Do you honestly think she was being careless about exposing everyone to her illness? Did it bother you that she was there? It seems almost as if you apologized just to "go through the motions" and get it over with. Like scoop just said, it doesn't sound as if you were actually sorry for humiliating her. I can understand why she was angry.
Hello to all and welcome notwhatiwant, this is a great site full of lots of different views and perspectives. Hopefully you will find some insight from these wonderfully wise women here. I am a bit confused by your post, as others seem to be as well. You stated that you were the one who told everyone at the lunch that your DIL was getting over Mono. Why would you do that? Whether she wanted you to or not it was still her private personal business, she probably had shared the information with you to let you know why she may be a bit off or lethargic, but I can assure you that I wouldn't want everyone in my family or my FDH's family knowing my medical state. And then the other thing you motioned seemed to be a way of justifying your statement: 'she never once even seemed to express that it was a big deal when passing on to us that she had exposed us to it or the rest of the family. Nor offered an apology.' Perhaps you may want to educate yourself on Mono or Mononucleosis because the only way it can be transferred is through saliva and mucus (that is why it is called the kissing disease). You can live in the same house as a person with mono and never become infected. I don't think there is much of a problem with your DIL if this is the only real issue you have, as it seems she is still very much involved in your life given that she was at a family lunch with you – so possibly, just a thought, a quick apology (yes another one again, not on the fact that you shared her private medical info but that you didn't realize these things were private and you did not mean to embarrass her and make her feel uncomfortable) and perhaps a conversation with DIL explaining to her that you happen to have a very open relationship with your family in that you like to share everything and if there is something that DIL wants to share with you but not others to just let you know when sharing the information, that way you know what she is comfortable with sharing and what she is not.
I am sure you did not mean to embarrass DIL or violate her privacy. But yes, you did make a clear mistake in mentioning her health issue. No gray area, it's not even a little bit fuzzy. DIL has a perfectly valid complaint. I think it's good you apologized to her. I think it's too bad she gave a catty reply. I think its great that you did not say something to your son. Especially about his wife making things up, since she didn't make anything up. And I think it's time to let this go.
People do often feel privately about health issues. You knew about her mono, and you sat right next to her. So it doesn't seem you were concerned about family exposure yourself. Because of the timing, once everyone was already greeted and seated, it doesn't seem this was shared as a way to advise your family about exposure. It seems something private and rather embarrassing about DIL was offered up as a contribution to a casual conversation. After all, mono is called "the Kissing Disease."
QuoteI took it from her no-big-deal to be no-big-deal.
I am confused by her two re-actions, no-big-deal/big invasion of privacy.
The first reaction was her public reaction after being publicly embarrassed. In front of a table full of people, she laughed it off. That is
grace. To take you to task in front of them all, would have both of you looking bad. I am grateful she spared you both that kind of scene. It would have created more embarrassment, for her, you, and for everyone who had to witness it. Her feelings of embarrassment and violation were none of the table's business, any more than her mono was.
The second reaction is her telling you honestly what she did not like and how she truly felt. I hope you can see the value in DIL letting you know she doesn't want you to discuss her with other people. It beats her seething in anger and it coming out in other ways. It also beats simply avoiding you. If DIL didn't care about the relationship, she wouldn't give you feedback on how to improve it.
I hate that feeling of walking on eggshells. I'm not sure what her issues with you are when you talk
to her. But it shouldn't feel like walking on eggshells not to talk
about her. It can be quite easy - just don't talk about her to others.
You may not have meant to, but the other ladies are right. You crossed a line.
1)You embarrassed her publicly (and Sassy is right,she played it off with grace)
2)You judged her publicly (as noted by Scoop)
You need to apologize SINCERELY for both of these actions. An insincere apology is worse than no apology. My Grandmother always taught me that an apology never contains the words 'if' or 'but'. So saying I'm sorry BUT I didn't know doesn't work. Apologizing is about taking responsibility for your own actions.
Quote if he continues on this road by allowing her to makeup things and cause fighting.
This is the worst one she has done but she is randomly hateful to the family for no reason what so ever.
That's very good news. If this is DIL's worst case of random hatefulness, I think your family is in much better shape than you may realize.
Occasional conflict doesn't have to mean 20 years of infighting. In most cases, it is often quite the opposite, an opportunity. Like I mentioned before, I think this event is the sign of good things. DIL was open (in private) about her feelings. And you learned something that can be very useful for avoiding future conflict.
Can I ask how the apology you offered DIL was worded?
My take on this is a lot different from that of most of the posters, and I would like to be a lot gentler to notwhatiwant. I don't think she had done anything horrible. She apologized. Her DIL decided to take offense later. If it were me, I would let sleeping dogs lie. The problems are hers, not yours.
If this were my DIL, I would gently respond to her accusatory email with "I am so sorry that I offended you. I will try not to do that again." I would sincerely mean every word of this short response. Then I would make sure that all further emails from her went directly into my spam box.
some feel that the MIL crossed the line in disclosing mono. Others think not. What is the big deal/stigma with mono? it's a simple virus - easily passed. Many college students get it when they are in the dorm, not eating right, staying up too late and their resistance is down. It is NOT a STD. So while it is probably not ever a good idea to discuss anyone else's health - why the big deal about mono?
I don't think she did anything horrible, either. I really don't. I truly don't think she intended any harm at all. But I do think it was a mistake. The reason I was direct about it indeed being a mistake was because the last question she asked was this:
QuoteMy confusion is.. was it wrong to say something
Because of the confusion, I wanted to be clear in my response.
QuoteWhat is the big deal/stigma with mono? it's a simple virus - easily passed. Many college students get it when they are in the dorm, not eating right, staying up too late and their resistance is down. It is NOT a STD. So while it is probably not ever a good idea to discuss anyone else's health - why the big deal about mono?
I agree with you that it's never a good idea to discussing anyone's health.
Mono is not considered an STD but it is transmitted through saliva, and I myself have known it as The Kissing Disease since middle school. My guess is that's why it caused titters then, and, as notwhatiwanted is aware, still causes them now:
QuoteI casually said that DIL (sitting beside me) had been fighting Mono. She acknowledged and then laughingly told where she got it. (I did not know nor would I have told) but some one asked what that activity was to which I replied that we needed to leave that alone.
Welcome notwhatiwant :)
When you get a moment please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First. We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.
Glad you found us, many posters already chiming in. WWU is a good place, even if the responses weren't always what we hope for.
As for your question, I have about the same take as Sassy. To me, there is no fuzzy gray area, it's clearly in the wrong. Medical stuff is very private by nature and a good rule of thumb is to let the afflicted let people know when they want.
I agree, Mono isn't that bad (I wonder if her DS had it too?). My point was that it was a big deal to DIL. If the same thing had happened with a friend would the apology be more heartfelt? Also, some people have issues with be talked about when they are right there.
That said, I hope we haven't blown off the original poster! I got hammered on another site that purported to be for MILs but wasn't really and I never went back.
If you're still here, Notwhat, don't take offense - this is what we do, we play volleyball with questions here, just tossing the topic around. No reflection on you as a MIL, ok?
I have strong boundaries re. my health being discussed. Once I was at a pharmacy getting rx filled, and the little girl at the register HOLLERED out Mrs. Ruth, your prozac is ready. I barely whispered to her, that if she had been my employee I would have fired her right then and there. If I choose to talk about my health to another person, that is one thing, but someone else talking about anything that touches on embarrassing to me would be another. Mono would be touchy with me.
Oh, Ruth - how awful but I had to laugh. What a clueless girl! This belongs in Shelby's Lack of Courtesy thread.
@Ruth-I have had that happen with me, too. Except my DD asked what my (as she loudly sounded out) tampons were for. She was only 5. What can ya do? Everybody in the store was giggling at us on our way out. :o
LOL momof2
DD at around age 2 referred to my sanitary napkins as diapers when we were having friends over for dinner. Luckily she was still a little garbled in that area so it wasn't so bad. No idea what possessed her to bring that up then either!
Welcome notwhatiwant. I sincerely hope you came back. I know it came across in the beginning of your post, some very strong opinions of the situation. Hopefully, you continued reading to see that the ladies here were truly on your side and that no one thought you did anything on purpose. I can so see where if in your family, you discuss things like this and when DIL told you she was very casual about the mono, how you were just having a conversation and mentioned it, thinking it wasn't no big deal. I can tell you meant no disrespect or harm to your DIL and I commend you for apologizing to her after the email.
I will agree with the other ladies that although you were feeling it was ok to discuss her mono, it really wasn't. I can see where DIL was embarrassed and upset but was trying to handle it with dignity. I can also see where you didn't think anything about mentioning it because DIL seemed to have a lax attitude about it. I can tell you that with my medical condition, I don't mind talking to my friends, here or close family about it, because I'm an open book with those that I care about, but if one of them brought it up in front of a bunch of people, I wouldn't like it. I may be open about it to certain people, but it's my choice who I tell.
So the answer to your question is that yes, you were wrong to say something in front of everyone. Did you do it to hurt her or embarrass her? Why no...but it did. So you apologized and she sent another yuck email back. Was it a true apology or did you apologize and follow that with trying to justify why you did it? I'm asking because to me, those are not apologies but appeasements.
If you did it that way, then try again. Tell her that you are very sorry that you said that in front of everyone and you didn't realize that you had hurt her, but now you do and it will never happen again. It was never your intention to embarrass or cause her anxiety but you now realize that is what you did and you are sorry. If she sends back another yuck email, then you did your best and that's all you can do.
If you did send a sincere apology the first time, then all you can do is wait and see what happens. You can't make someone forgive you, all you can do is ask for forgiveness and then it's in their court. I hope she does forgive you as I am with everyone else, it was a mistake but not unforgivable.
Hello Ladies, just a thought that I had in regards to many of your stories, why do you communicate with your children and their significant others via email, social networking sites (FB), etc? It seems that many problems arise from emails and FB messages. IMO sometimes emails and text messages wind up being misread or misunderstood, and perhaps the problem lies in the reader trying to 'read-too-much-into' the email or text. I feel that as we enter into this new technology driven age many people are finding it acceptable to communicate important information through these avenues, I don't, I feel that communication needs to be real not virtual, and taking the time to communicate with others in the real world shows that you care. Would you rather receive an 'I'm sorry' email or would you rather have the apology in person, heck even a phone call is better. But then again perhaps this is just my rant of trying to keep things the way they used to be in having real interactions with each other.
I hear ya MC and I do think communications is becoming a lost artform due to technology. I can tell you in my case only, distance was a factor, and odd working hours. OS worked shifts, was going to college and so was DIL, so leaving a "Happy Easter" on FB was my way of letting them know I was thinking about them but not being intrusive and trying to be considerate of their time. Texting and email was the way they liked to communicate, so I followed suit because OS would text back and forth way before he would make a phone call. Also, honestly...I am big on technology and most of the time can shoot off a text in 30 seconds versus when I don't have the time to be on the phone for 30 minutes.
I too hope you come back, NWIW. I still think the mixed messages and double standards can get very confusing. I can see where it would be easy to blurt out something and then regret it. My DIL tells me very intimate details about her DM's health. DIL's FOO doesn't communicate with us, but if they did and I were to accidently say to DIL's DM "I hope you're feeling better" I have a feeling DM & DIL would be furious. I don't say much around DIL, even when she's being talkative and open. What's OK for her is not necessarily OK for me. She blasted me for telling a cute baby story about DS! My baby, my story - but I guess DS and his entire history belong to her now. Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about that?
Oh, the FB discussion again - love the concept, want to stay in touch with friends & relatives, but have been told by DS to stay away from FB. My friends say to join anyway. Maybe if I wait long enough it'll just go away, lol.
I had a thought about this last night. This is not directed at you NWIW, but all of us because others have faced scathing emails and text here too after an incident.
It hit me that is seems to be the pattern in stories here, that someone makes a mistake, then the DIL/GF/MIL sends a hateful email. Why would you do that? If someone would have done to me what happed for instance in NWIW's story here, and I was going to send an email to them, it wouldn't be hateful. (Of course, I would have waited until after the dinner and discussed it with NWIW nicely, not by email) but just for argument's sake, if I decided to send her an email, it would have been done nicely.
"NWIW, I know you probably didn't intentionally set out to hurt and embarrass me last night, but I wanted you to know that it did. When I discussed my Mono with you, I never thought you would bring it up in front of the entire family. I was so embarrassed and tried to laugh it off, but it really did hurt my feelings. Again, I know you probably meant no harm, but I wanted you to know and to ask you, in the future, anything that we discuss personally I would really like to keep between us. If I decided to tell others, I will. I want to be able to confide in you without having to worry about you telling others. I will give you the same respect. Deal?"
When I thought about this, it's almost like the party was just waiting for an opportunity to go off on the other one. If I received an email like that, it would be so much easier for me to quickly apologize sincerely and try to make amends. Receiving a very yuck email right off the bat, would make it harder. I would do it, but I would probably still harbor some bad feelings over the tone of the email that would fester for next time. One party making an error (not talking gross error here) does not justify the other party to have a free-for-all at them.
I still feel the same about NWIW's situation, and I think she does need to recognize that she made a mistake and apologize, but I think DIL owes an apology for letting her emotions get the best of her and sending a yuck email. Wouldn't that be nice?
Pooh - I have to point out an error in your logic.
Sure, if the DIL thought the MIL didn't INTEND to be hurtful, that's how you would expect it to go down. However, if the DIL thought it was intentional, or was an attack vs a slip-up, then I can see where the harsh e-mail reaction would come from.
I think that the basic assumption that MIL & DIL don't MEAN to hurt each other is just not there. Especially if the relationship is already tense.
I agree Moonchild, conversation is a lost art. If I'm truly sorry I want to say it in person and vs versa. It seems to me if something is important it should be discussed face to face. I can see the benefits for email/text to get info out there quickly but it also has its major (IMO) downsides.
Moonchild,
The relatives I have problems with don't make themselves available for phone calls. My calls would go right to voicemail but texts and emails would get responses for the most part. I think my DIL feels braver on email since she doesn't have to confront a real person in front of her.
I don't think Pooh's logic is in error. Why in the world would DIL think it was an attack vs a slip-up? Original poster started by saying she has worked hard to avoid mistakes her FOO made. Therefore she should be credited with good intentions. Yes, she overstepped the line. But if this was the first time it has happened, DIL should have definitely taken Pooh's approach, not blistered the MIL. Even if the DIL was pretty sure it was intentional, DIL would be much wiser to STILL take Pooh's approach - as that is the high road. Taking the high road makes DIL look better, and probably gets the message across better to MIL than does an attack. I daresay that after reading this board and being gently informed by all of us that we think she did cross the line, MIL has learned and will not do so in the future. But the blistering attack by DIL probably got MIL defensive, not looking at MIL's own flaws. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar. And DIL can more effectively achieve her desired end result (MIL keeping mouth shut) by not going into attack mode.
It was an assumption on my part that in this case, this hasn't been an ongoing problem with NWIW, so Scoop was right, I was assuming this was a first for NWIW.
Shelby caught what I was trying to get at, also what MoonChild was saying about communication. Have we lost the ability to assume that the other party didn't mean any harm and made a mistake? And in an ongoing situation, where they have been nice and given opportunity after opportunity, why do we feel the need to send a yuck email even then? I can get my point across, set my boundaries and still do it nicely without cursing, hatefulness and yuck and move on.
On MILs crossing the line and DILs not giving any benefit of doubt with respect to MIL's intentions. Story from long ago - 30 years. DH and I had not been married long. MIL (the lovely lady who just died) and FIL had extra key to our house in case we locked ourselves out, etc. DH and I both worked full time. I came home from work one day to find a pot of homemade stew in our refrigerator. Obviously MIL had let herself in and left dinner for us.
Now I suspect that some folks on this board would be mighty unhappy that MIL let herself in for any reason whatsoever. MIL was an absolute delight. I knew anything she said or did was with love and best of intentions. I found the pot of stew, and rather than get puckered about MIL coming into our house while I was gone, my reaction was that of delight at not having to cook after being in the office all day. Served DH the delicious stew. He asked for seconds, but there had only been two servings. AFter dinner he called to thank his mom for the stew, and teasingly complained that there hadn't been enough - he had wanted seconds and there was no more stew. The next day I got home from work, opened the fridge and there was MORE stew - because DH had teased about wanting seconds.
Now I'm guessing that I could have gotten miffed, changed the locks, etc. But this lovely lady had gone to the trouble of making a delicious meal, shared it with us - and I took her actions as they were intended. (Hey, who wouldn't want catered meals delivered?) Had I been insecure, I might have guarded "my territory" - but we both loved the same man. Different facets of him. She as a mom, me as a wife. There's plenty of him to share.
Now would I go to my son and DIL's apartment, let myself in and leave something. Not only no, but HECK no. Never in a million years. Not only are they across the country now, but I never had (nor asked for) a key when they WERE in town. I am very careful (save that gift delivery slip-up - but then I have learned from this board) not to cross any lines, even though it means putting any personality in a straight jacket when we (rarely) visit. But I sense that some of today's DILs wouldn't give MILs the benefit of the doubt, and I think that is unfortunate. Everybody loses.
Shelby and Pooh, you're both making great points.
It's a challenge trying to maintain old school manners sometimes.
Manners? What are those? ;)
I think most people are reasonable and will give passes for a one off or mistakes here and there. For most, it becomes a problem when it is a consistent pattern of behavior. And the sad part is that the person with the consistent bad behavior will be the last to ever admit they are wrong. It's frustrating to deal with anyone like this no matter if they are in your FOO, an in law, co worker or friend.
That's why I think it's important to look around the person. Do they have lasting friendships? Good standing at work?
I know it works both ways. I know there are MILs that don't give the DIL the benefit of the doubt either. I wouldn't uphold either one of them sending a hate filled email. I just don't see the point.
Shelby, I'm like you. If I came home and found my house cleaned, food made, etc. as a surprise, I would be thrilled and grateful. My Mom has a key to my house to this day as was my OS/DIL given one if they ever needed to come in for any reason. I also am the MIL that would go to my OS's house and leave dinner or flowers for DIL as a surprise, if they let me. No snooping, no intruding into spaces I shouldn't be in...just helping...oh wait...I haven't even seen their new house! LOL.
I agree...everyone loses.
Quote from: pam1 on October 27, 2011, 08:10:23 AM
I think most people are reasonable and will give passes for a one off or mistakes here and there. For most, it becomes a problem when it is a consistent pattern of behavior. And the sad part is that the person with the consistent bad behavior will be the last to ever admit they are wrong. It's frustrating to deal with anyone like this no matter if they are in your FOO, an in law, co worker or friend.
That's why I think it's important to look around the person. Do they have lasting friendships? Good standing at work?
Great point!
I went around the world with this, trying to figure out what I was trying to say, and I still can't get it out. Sorry.
Pooh - *I* understand where you're coming from. Lucky for you, it's a position where you knew your MIL's intentions were good. What I'm asking about is, if there's a history of a tense relationship, then the DIL doesn't automatically assume the MIL's intentions are good.
And you have to admit that the exact same behaviours can be seen many different ways, depending on the person's filter. So, same situation, DH and DW both work hard, MIL comes in and leaves a pot of stew. Good right? But, what if, during previous visits, MIL had made comments about the DW's career interfering with her "taking care" of the DH? It colours the DW's view of the situation.
The reason this comes up for me is because my MIL would fit right in with the MIL's here. You all would have GREAT sympathy for her, having to deal with me. She would deny making any rude comments to me, or just "not remember" them. But I do. And it colours our relationship. It goes both ways too, I'm *sure* I've said things to her that offended/hurt her unintentionally. That's why I can see, in the OP's situation, where the MIL might think this was a 'first offense', but in the DIL's eyes, it probably wasn't.
I've told you guys before about the internet joke about "What men wish women knew", where the one point was "If I say something to you, and it can be taken 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry. I meant the OTHER way." I'm really trying to follow that, especially with my DH, but also into my other relationships too. It's hard with my MIL, because of our history and the fact that I have to break the habit of jumping to the harshest conclusion. Maybe because I can see that in myself, I can see it in the OP's DIL.
Quote from: Pooh on October 27, 2011, 08:14:47 AM
oh wait...I haven't even seen their new house! LOL.
I agree...everyone loses.
My son and DIL lived in an apartment 3 miles away for over a year. I was only there once (invited) - the complex is one of many complexes in that area. I couldn't begin to find the right complex, let alone their apartment - unless I had their street address and Garmin. But again, when one has to neuter one's personality to be considered tolerable company, it's not really fun, anyway. I'm going to hang with Pooh and Doe and Pen and Keys and we're all going to Amflautist's party this weekend.
Quote from: Scoop on October 27, 2011, 08:41:34 AM
And you have to admit that the exact same behaviours can be seen many different ways, depending on the person's filter. So, same situation, DH and DW both work hard, MIL comes in and leaves a pot of stew. Good right? But, what if, during previous visits, MIL had made comments about the DW's career interfering with her "taking care" of the DH? It colours the DW's view of the situation.
The reason this comes up for me is because my MIL would fit right in with the MIL's here. You all would have GREAT sympathy for her, having to deal with me. She would deny making any rude comments to me, or just "not remember" them. But I do. And it colours our relationship. It goes both ways too, I'm *sure* I've said things to her that offended/hurt her unintentionally. That's why I can see, in the OP's situation, where the MIL might think this was a 'first offense', but in the DIL's eyes, it probably wasn't.
.
Scoop - I totally agree with you. Previous barbs/snipes do color a relationship. In your case, it would seem that if MIL is willing, some counseling for the two of you to re-start the relationship could be helpful. But MIL would have to be willing to take a hard look at herself. Counseling only works if both parties are willing to work on the relationship, as everyone on this board knows. But I still want to go to AM's Halloween party. ;)
I totally agree too if there is a history of boundaries crossed, critisizm and such, any even unintentional behavior would set off bells and whistles.
I guess what I am saying is this (trying again because I'm just really struggling trying to figure out what I mean. It sounds right in my head!)
My DIL has a history of being a pain. She has a history with me or eye-rolling, foot-stomping, aloofness, coldness, etc. I had situation after situation with her that no matter what I did, it wasn't working and neither could anyone else get along with her. So when the final straw came of her booting myself and my family off her FB, after nothing happened, at that point I had enough, I didn't send her a venom filled email full of contempt and hate. I didn't send something raking her over the coals. I simply sent a text to my OS saying that I didn't appreciate being lied to by him and it was obvious at this point that they didn't want anything to do with our side of the family, so I was honoring their wishes and would no longer contact them. Told him I loved him and he knew where to find me if he needed us. That was all. I could have sent an enraged email but I didn't. What good would it have done? All it would have done was make it worse and harder to maybe have a relationship in the future if things changed. I would have been wrong to do it and would have owed an apology for it.
Scoop, that's how it is with my DIL. Her previous snipes and criticisms (& her outright statement that she hated us "losers") have colored my attitude towards her even though I have attempted to move on. I cannot be myself around her, & I've caught myself looking for put downs. Oh, I usually find them...
Shelby, I'm there! Sounds like great fun! AM, are you ready for us??
I'm in too AM! I'm dressing up too. I'm going to put on my moo-moo dress, cinching it with a belt right under my chest, knee high stockings with one rolled down with my fuzzy houseshoes.
I'm going as an MIL stunt double ;D
I know what you're saying too, Pooh. Even when someone is horrible to me I rarely say anything, just back the heck away. Especially if it is a pattern, I see absolutely no use in trying to rectify a situation in that case.
And I also know where Scoop is coming from, perception is in the eyes of the beholder.
And if I'm invited to AM's party I'm going as Mr. Miyagi and DH is the Karate Kid.
Ha ha, Pooh - hilarious imagery! Don't forget red lipstick, pursed lips and big, smothering chest area.
Check!
And the biggest purse you can find...
I had a great time at Amflautist's party last night. How about the rest of you?
And by the way, Amflautist, how in the world did you come up with that name?
I did have a wonderful time, but it was hard getting all the blue washed out of my hair this morning! ;D