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Well the holidays are here again, and as I prepare for our Christmas Eve get together, I am again struggling with resentment over never getting THE Day, always one before or after never the one everyone else gets to celebrate.  It's a pity party and I need a good thumping , just don't feel joy, I guess after this week few people do JUST not looking forward to it just being the two of us on Christmas Day, while my son celebrates with his in-laws again, and always....sign  :-[
Well I'll be signing on Tuesday.....sigh..

Sending TONS of love...

I'll be on my own too, but I'm going to be as busy as I can.  This is my 3rd Christmas without any contact from my son, and every year is easier.   I think it's actually easier to be cut off than to always be the "Christmas" bridesmaid, waiting in the wings. 

Trying, I think part of the problem is that some AC know their is nothing that you can do to get them to change their minds.  But there is nothing that they can do if you decide to make alternative arrangement so you enjoy Christmas Day.

If I were you I would have a major "pity party" for 3 days around Christmas!! the day before, during and after..........be elsewhere.......just you and your husband having a good time. 

Use the phrase "Ooops, change in plans" we'll see you sometime after New Years, have fun!!"

If you never get the THE day from them, give it to yourself and your husband.  Nobody is getting younger so enjoy Christmas as much as you can even if it is not exactly the way you would like. 

Make some plans, keep other people waiting for a change and have a heck of a party.  I'm having one myself, I'll raise a glass to you on Christmas Day!!

I too refuse to be waiting in the wings for any crumbs.  After almost 14 years of that it was enough.  I simply surround myself with other grandchildren, and adult children and friends, and have a wonderful time!  I love seeing the little ones faces when their stockings are full on Christmas morning!  I am betting my littlest grandchildren that will be here will want to set out a plate of cookies and some milk for Santa!  lol  Guess I'll head to the store for cookies this weekend...and maybe just a FEW more stocking stuffers!!!  Yeah right...I adore buying gifts for the little angels!  Happy holidays to all.  J

TMB, I understand. It's really difficult to deal with. There's no way through but through, if you know what I mean. Try to get up the enthusiasm to do just one special thing for you and is it DH? Or another AC? I'm sorry I don't remember :(   Anyway, give yourself a pass this year and then start planning strategies for next year...saving for a trip over the holidays, making plans to get together with other family members or good friends, or whatever. (((Hugs)))

Kirk, (DS and Webmaster), and his Sandy are coming up to have Christmas dinner with me at my retirement facility. When we sit down, I will picture our WWU family there, too. What a wonderful image!  :) 

I celebrated Christmas with different people starting last week.  From my FOO, to work to families in need and will be celebrating with my FOO again on Monday.  It not only made me feel better about the holidays but it also made me think about and appreciate time we take for granted.   

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I picture us all sitting down for a wonderful dinner at a beautiful Country Inn with Luise holding court at the head of the table. Great food, beautiful music and wine!

Oh, be still my heart!!  :)

My family growing up spent Christmas Eve with her side and Christmas Day with my day's.  we do Christmas Eve brunch with my hubby's dad and brothers.  Christmas Day with my side.  Both days are equally special.  With my dad's side we still do a party only now it's on a weekend in December.  My mom's it's been well years since we have done family.  It's all in the way you look at it.  Eve or Day they are both Christmas.

Tryingmybest,
I am the AC, in the same position as you. My dreams of the families together on Christmas are not shared by the actual families. I wish I could transplant my Christmas wishes to some of the AC on here so we could have better matches and I didn't feel so lonely. It will be just us and our little one again this year. No grandparents, no invitations from them or visits to us.
I send you a big ((hug)). Isn't this life? I will love from afar and hope they are finding joy in their day.

Sunshine, as the AC of divorced Ps and then having my dear mother pass away too early, I've been in your situation most years at Christmas. Just me, my DH & 2 children...my dad married a woman who rejected his AC so we didn't have a big family Christmas either (my dad actually told me we were excluded because they thought of Christmas as a "family time.")

We were then free to make our own traditions w/o the stress & strain of awkward FOO relationships. We took our little kids skiing or sledding, took thermoses of hot cocoa & watched the stars or Christmas lights, hiked in the snow, or even went to the beach to watch the decorated boats go by (yes, we live in paradise, lol.) Now that my kids are grown I'm so grateful for those memories.

I just spoke to my 90 yr old aunt who has always been my role model.  She said, "oh, I am taking two other women friends to the casino for dinner on Christmas Eve and then on Christmas Day we will go back to go gambling"  Then she said, "Gads, I never want to do a holiday clean up again!"   I had to chuckle, but I completely agree.  Last year several women here did something similar.  This year I am looking forward to having time off from doing anything except reading, walking, looking at the lights and enjoying the peacefulness of my good life.  And no clean up.  8)   Good wishes and peace to all. 

90 YEARS YOUNG!!!  :D :D :D

I am so glad I found this place two years ago,  ;) I think all of us chase this ideal Christmas we imagine everyone else is enjoying, change is never easy but it can be good. Decided not to try and do the formal Christmas dinner tommorow, a nice relaxed buffet and paper plates, nice ones of course, so no clean up for me either.   :)

I was talking to my DH about this tonight.  He said the day was more special then Eve.  I was surprised a little I must say.  My childhood both were great.  But I have to say Christmas Eve at my Grandparents house has the biggest memory.  My grandparents basement had cardboard or something on the wall with a big break paint fireplace and stocking.  Every year Santa would come and help pass out my Grandparents gifts.  My fav was when I was old enough to know Santa wasn't real and my uncle dressed up.  He has a paper beard with the cotton balls not eve fluffed out.( He passed a few years ago). After my grandma passed when I was 9 and my grandpa and her had a falling out are tradition changed but that memory still is strong. 

Make your own traditions.  Oh and easy clean up is so much better.  We are only doing apps this year.

Guess the point for me is, I have traditions and get my knickers in a knot every year being told to make new ones, while my DS's mother in law gets to keep all her traditions and just add my son to them. Thats not meant in an angry way Diva just by way of explaination. If the young couple starts their own family traditions and incorporates both families into them, thats one thing...not happening though. But I'm good, just read that Prince William will be spending Christmas with Kate's parents this year. He had to get the Queen's permission to do so. Had to laugh ladies we are in GOOD COMPANy! Merry Christmas, light and love and joy for Christmas....and no clean up!

QuoteGuess the point for me is, I have traditions and get my knickers in a knot every year being told to make new ones, while my DS's mother in law gets to keep all her traditions and just add my son to them.

Yup - the story of my life for several years now.  However, after more than a decade of trying to make new traditions (and every year failing and crying and wailing and even begging), I just don't "try" any more.  Funny, when I quit trying I started to enjoy Christmas - not the Christmas that I would have "planned" or "envisioned", but the Christmas I was given.  I don't see our children and/or grandchildren on "the" day (sometimes not even "the" month), but it's O.K.  I love them very much but today I don't feel as though my life will fall apart if they are not present at holidays.  My children and grandchildren are a part of my life; they are not my life; and even though I would prefer things were different, I have discovered that I can survive and find enjoyment with or without them.  Peace to all ....

Our tradition changed drastically this year, we usually had dinner at my GP's house. However, since they're no longer with us, we're starting from scratch. DH and I decided to host dinner at home this year. I work part of the holidays, I'm nearly in my third trimester and DS is a busy little toddler. So home was a great option for us and it gives anyone who wants to see DS the chance to stop in or stay for dinner. My MIL is refusing to come, because my family will also be present for parts of the day. DH and I were both upset, but decided we're not going to let it ruin the day and just have fun trying out some new traditions.

Your MIL sounds like a first class pill!  ??? Have a great Christmas with your family!

TMB, I totally get that. I wondered for years why DIL's FOO got to keep everything the same while we had to figure out new ways of celebrating to accomodate them (so we could see DS.) Fooey on that notion! We're doing what we want to do when we want to do it, and DS/DIL can fit themselves in when they can. I am much more relaxed this year, and DS has actually stepped up to demand time with us. Yay!

NewMama I know how you feel DH's side if wont come Christmas Day because we won't accommodate what they want us to do.  My husband's siblings refuse to go against them.  So we started Christmas Eve brunch.  We love staying home on Christmas with dd if people want to see us they can come here. 

I'm not very good at this, but I try to remember that Christmas isn't about family.  It's about one family, the Holy Family.  Just like thanksgiving isn't about family, it's about giving thanks to God.  I sometimes wonder if all the intra-family strife is a test to see if we can get outside ourselves and focus on what's really important.  Of course, being only human, it's hard to let go of the nice family traditions.  My sympathy to everyone being excluded.  I hope you can find some joy and peace inspite of others' spite. 

Really different first for DH and I.  We just stayed home alone Christmas eve and today.  And it is fine.  Just relaxing and watching movies and eating.  Estranged DD spent Christmas eve with my sister and mother. That's good for her she spent time with my family and I wouldn't want to be there anyway.  Mom still doesn't know what's going on.

We are going to DS and his family tomorrow for our Christmas cause that's when her kids will be home from the ex's.

DD can do whatever she wants for today.  She is the one who changed everything for all of us whether she realizes it yet or not.  She will have to make up her own new traditions.

I'm just glad to have a couple days off work. Being self employed, we don't get much rest. So it probably bothers her more than it bothers me.

Next year maybe we will find other alternatives.

WW:  We are strong and we are worthy of being treated with respect.  And if that means we are alone on these 1 1/2 days then that is not the worst thing....like my Dear 90 Year YOUNG (yes, Luise,,,90 is young anymore!!) aunt said, "no clean up." 

Well, I made it through without any news from DS and family.  Heard from DD and family a couple times and from D Sis and family.  But I don't know about the rest of you but when they send their family photos and everything is supposedly so perfect I got to feeling low down wo is me here alone (nevermind that I turned down invites from Sis and from friends...alone is all my doing).  I started missing my mom and you know how it can go then.  The absolute last thing I would ever think to do is go to a CASINO, but my dear aunt had planted the seed on the phone by saying, "Let those family people do their thing, etc.).  So I got up this morning and spent a few hours today at the Casino on Christmas Day--omgoodness...it felt great!  The place was packed...there is no holiday at a casino!  And the buffet was amazing for $9.95 and NO CLEAN UP!    ;)  I came home all happy and excited (no, didn't win anything...those penny machines make a lot of noise for $1.25!!) but I made a positive day out of it and now that's done and over. 

Love having this forum to help me navigate this holiday stuff.  Bless you all and a great year in store for all! 

It sounds as if most of us have had a successful time navigating through these often bizarre holiday situations. DS & DIL have been here for a few hours & it has been very pleasant! DIL has been nice, communicative, and helpful. DS has too. I'm in heaven :) May the new year bring continued blessings to us all.

Thanks again, Luise & Kirk, for this site. I'm pretty sure this day wouldn't have been as lovely w/o the support, help and wisdom I've gathered here. Love to you all!

Yes thank you for this saviour of a site of my life.

We are never truly alone when we have each other.

I just love the self-respect, coping and healing being evidenced among us! Christmas dinner with DS (ourWebmaster, Kirk) and DIL for the first time in seventeen years... was magical for me! As most of you know, they moved from Washington to Kauai and built a home there. I was on Cloud 9! :-)))))))

That's wonderful Luise.  You deserve some magical moments.

Lots of love

Christmas Eve was nice, but today we spent Christmas Day the way we have for the past 4 years alone, while sons celebrated with their new families. What I found so strange was both of them ASKING what are you going to do tommorow ( on Christmas) ? I finally said last night, sweetly "absolutely nothing". Oddly it does not hurt that much any more, it has just become our "new normal". I'm just glad it's over for another year...still wishing we could have that Country Inn Christmas Dinner.  :-\ We made it Ladies!

It's been a bit rough here.  My boyfriend and I broke up just before Christmas (neither of us celebrates it, but still rotten timing).  At least I think we're broken up - I wanted to talk about an issue we were having that had upset me greatly, and he said he didn't want a confrontation that weekend and would maybe discuss it with me in a week or so.  No contact at all since then.  I'm a-guessing that we are done, but who knows what he thinks.   ::)  I'm open to having one last discussion if he initiates it, but I feel punished for being upset and am not really sure that I want to continue trying under those circumstances.   

Then my son showed up in town out of the blue yesterday.  I wouldn't have known about it at all if his friend's car hadn't broken down, stranding them for a couple of days until the friend's father can come get them.  He asked me to pay for an inexpensive hotel room for them - which was not, in and of itself an outrageous request (I don't have the space to house them both, and am still not comfortable having DS in the house since he is still actively smoking pot) - but then made it clear that he thought it was my duty as a parent, and wasn't interested in seeing me or talking to me regardless.  I did get the room, and didn't burn any bridges (he did say thank you for the room and gave me his phone number, which I didn't have before), but it's shabby treatment and I'm angry. 

I'm not the dramatic confrontation type and don't think it serves a purpose here anyway, either with my son or with my boyfriend, but do have to do some hard thinking about what I want to do going forward.  I also have to do some thinking about how I have set up my life, and how isolated I have let myself become.  The one thing that became clear for me in the course of the relationship with my boyfriend is that I want real, daily, domestic intimacy, and I really do eventually want to get married again.   I'm going to honor my need to curl up and lick my wounds this weekend, and save decision-making for when I'm feeling less fragile and emotional.  It's a bit of a struggle being at work and trying to focus, when all I want to do is hide in bed, but I know this emotional upheaval will pass (and there's nobody else here to generate the reports that are due today, lol - forced coping).

Thanks for listening.  ((((WWU))))

E - What a holiday! I'm so sorry. Backing up and not deciding anything when you have been hit by a doubleheader is so wise. And I'm sure having to go to work in the middle of that must be miserable. There are so many times that I have waded in and wrecked havoc when I should have done what you are doing. If we are willing...life can be about learning and growing. I don't think we are stuck in behavior that becomes obsolete. We just have to forge new paths. In my life, that has sometimes meant new relationships after I progressed through and grew out of what once fit. Sending love...

Elsie, so sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure the timing is ever right for what you've been zinged with, but if anyone can emerge intact it's you. Hang in there, baby! I wonder what exciting new prospects are in your future?

Thanks, Pen and Luise.  I'm spending today doing some housekeeping - both literal and figurative.  It's started to snow, and I've decided that if DS needs an extra night in the hotel, I will cover it, but I won't initiate the discussion.  It's up to him as an adult to think ahead and tell me what he needs, if he needs anything from me. 

I'm curious about what's ahead, too, Pen.  I hope I have the courage in the moment to choose honestly and act wisely, no matter what it is.

Oh dear E,  Sad to hear of your struggle.  Hugs to you as you find your new way! 

Thanks, Footloose.  DS made it back home without incident.  Still no word from the ex-bf.  So weird.  I'm doing better with setting it aside overall, although there are good days and less-good days, and I've been having fun playing with goal-setting and visioning what my next year might hold.  I do find that I really hate not being able to have the last word, though, or have "why?" explained to me, lol.  I understand that I don't get to choose that all the time, though.  But still:  harrumph! :)

x BF?!  He chose it by his disappearing act, huh?  You are better off for sure!  It is time to focus on just E!!  Hugs, sister!

Do you really need more excuses from the man who poses as a man?  His abandonment in the site of trouble is all the reason you need, hon! Letting him go will open your door to others who can actually enrich your life instead of complicating it.

I'm harrumphing with you Elsie! (is that even a word?)

Sorry to read about the double header you have going but at least we are older and wiser, and we see the things that could be issues down the road.  To me, that says how much you have grown as a person.  I have every confidence that you will move forward with goals and dreams that will blow your socks off!  Big hugs Elsie!