I raised my son with all the love and nurturing I could give him. I am a professional person with integrity-my kids have always comne first-no matter what.
At age 16?, my son got involved with a girl with an unfavorable background-she was involved with the law from her early teens, disrespectful to any authority, rude, cunning, extremely controlling, with a strong narcissitic personality. I have seen her verbally abuse my son, and I have experienced repeated emotional abuse from her. Some other of my relatives had experienced the same. She and my son told me her mother is on disability for mental illness-her mother has always been cold and distant to me. My son went from having qualities of John-Boy Walton to someone I don't even know. He moved out at 18, co-habited with this girl, they got pregnant, had a baby-my grandson.
I have not been able to have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart with my son in 2 1/2 years. They have excluded me from all holidays, and we had had extemely limited contact. They even drained my bank account down to $0.32 cents! -This all devastating to me.
Prior to the birth of my grandson, I was in their apt on 2 occasions-I and my relative witnessed masses of dirty dishes with rotting food, trash t/o the apt, rotting packs of meat on the floor, opened food containers with rotting food, filthy clothing all over the floor, bloody feminine products strewn all over the apt and more. I spoke with them about cleaning things up, offered to help-they ignored me.
The day the baby was born, the mother wouldn't even allow me to hold my grandson, said and did so many hurtful things-it crushed my soul-I feel like I will never be the same again. She and my son would not take responsibility for any of their actions.
I spoke at length in tears, with the nurses at the hospital that day and asked them to contact social services for f/u. I called CPS anonymous the day the baby was to go home-sharing my concerns re the filth and safety of the home environment for the baby.
Recently, one of my relatives was caring for the baby-she called me and described the deplorable conditions of the home-worse than listed above. My relative's boyfriend came to the phone and stated the same. I live in another county, a considerable drive. With trembling hands and floods of tears, I made the most difficult decision one could ever imagine-I contacted the authorities-they arrived at the home and promptly removed the baby. They took photos, arrested both my son and the baby's mother. They were released the next morning. The maternal grnadmother was granted temp custody. My relative states the baby's mother and maternal grandmother 'bashed' me to the workers and told them countless lies about me. They told the workers I was 'an anxious, depressed, mentally deranged nut case' and a harm to the baby.' The workers never gave me a chance to even tell what happened or my observations or concerns.
My relative has since moved in in with them-witnessing still, unfavorable conditions. My relative shared with me the judge dismissed the case.
Through careful consideration, counsel, and prayer, I have decided to step back-I tried to protect the grandchild I hold dear, that I have never known. Either way-I will be grieving-whether I go back into the situation to try for healing with my son and a relationship with my grandchild OR stepping back, removing myself from the dysfunction, with work on healing and getting on with my life. What are your thoughts on this matter? J.
Welcome. I feel you did the right thing and my heart goes out to you. You can't stop an avalanche. They set it in motion and I know of no way to help the baby, other than the one you have tried. Sending love...
I sent a message-not sure if it has posted.
The way to do that is to click on reply. It came as a Personal Message. I will transfer it. Sending love...
From: StainedGlassHeart
Thank you. The concerns linger-my relative who recently moved in with them has witnessed the situation as remaining nearly as bad, as well as subjective physical abuse and neglect. My relative also witnessed cruelty to a kitten they have as pet. The kitten was picked up by the neck, shaken very hard, forcefully thrown down and locked in a room with filthy water and living conditions. The baby was "moved by a foot' as described by the parent, has been yelled at, and told to "go away, you are notheing but a nuisance." The baby has been seen sitting in dirty diapers for hours, neglected, playing with objects that can result in significant injury. These are just a few disturbing observations. I am hesitant to go back to the authorities again, for concern that they may not be receptive to what I share with them, and what my relative has witnessed. The mother of the baby also has family connections who work in the system. I feel anguish in knowing the truth of the situation, the danger the baby and animal are in, and not sure which way to turn. Friends and family say-"all you can do is pray." What are your thoughts?
Dear Stainedglass, welcome. It is always hard to give advice on a forum as the information is usually limited and there is always so much more going on than one can write down or explain. Life is complicated!
To be honest though, from what you have shared, I am very, very concerned for your GS. I admire that you did contact the authorities. I'm dismayed things have not changed. Your son and DIL may have received the benefit of the doubt initially. Another complaint may have a different result. It is a very difficult position to be in but you may want ask yourself if this situation was going on in the house next door - what would you do? Take the family dynamics out of the equation and try to do the right thing. Prayers might help you cope but they won't protect your GS.
SGH, please keep reporting them. You say a relative has moved in and is keeping you updated? Why does that relative not report them? They obviously have access to the mess and could take pictures to take to the authorities. The only thing that could be worse for you at this moment, is if something horrible does happen to the GC and you didn't try again. You will feel terribly guilty that you didn't keep reporting it. And no, none of it is your fault but human nature will make you feel guilty.
I will tell you, when you said the situation with the kitten, it really disturbed me. Statistics show that most people abusers, murderers, etc., usually had a past of starting with animal abuse.
I feel like at this point, you have nothing to lose as far as your relationship goes with them except the safety of your gc.
Quote from: StainedGlassHeart on July 17, 2010, 09:01:33 AM...the baby's mother and maternal grandmother 'bashed' me to the workers and told them countless lies about me. They told the workers I was 'an anxious, depressed, mentally deranged nut case' and a harm to the baby.' The workers never gave me a chance to even tell what happened or my observations or concerns.
Hmmm...so you are an anxious, depressed, mentally deranged nut case and a harm to the baby', and drove from far away in another county and secretly when their backs were turned, messed up their house?
Honey, the social workers know it wasn't you. The social workers didn't give you a chance to talk because they didn't need to. They took pictures of the place, removed the baby, and arrested BOTH parents. Do you know how RARE that is? They found just cause, and all the nonsense coming out of your DIL and her mother's mouths was just that--nonsense. The judge dismissed the charges because the state system is overwhelmed and has budget reductions and staffing cuts. There is no place to put that baby, and no funds to do parental training. There's a mentally ill grandmother, slovenly low class parents, and a grandmother living out of jurisdiction and Federal law mandates Family Reunification, so unless the baby is in immediate danger of death these days they don't severe rights. Money is a big problem. The system is drowning in kids. Lots of kids are raised in horrible household with mentally illl and addicted and dirty parents, and while they aren't raised well or happily, they live . I understand why you called, I don't blame you. But you have probably destroyed the relationship forever. If I didn't know what I know I would have called too. You were in an impossible place. There was no winning, but at least in calling you can live with yourself. Many hugs to you.
Wow...that offers a lot of clarity to the overview. What a sad state of affairs. Sending love...
" There was no winning, but at least
in calling you can live with yourself. "
Thank you for yours words from bottom of my heart
it is very very hard decision what to do, protect my child adult son
or
protect innocent 5 years child who can not understand
I did tried to speak to my DIL and DS to supervised her 8 years old when he is "playing with 5 years old GD but they said if
I said a word to anyone they will talk to her lawyer and
will suit me
for wrongful accusation and punitive damages up to $250 000
that I am not his mother any more,
and if I said a word he will never ever forgive me...
I choose my GD and went to school reporting what I witnessed,
asking her teacher about my GD changed behavior
past 2 month in school- very withdrawn, crying outburst,
not socializing with other kids, screaming and running away,
that happy child she was changed to insecure baby...
child services was called in and
now at least my GD is protected as
DS and his new DIL with her son are under services supervision
and school child psychologist was brought in to help both kids,
as DIL boy is very aggressive, mouthy bully, punching and
giving bruises to his older sister
DIL and DS tried to put a lawsuit against me -lost, have no case
lawyer told them they have to press a lawsuit against school
as the school called child protective services
I don't doubt any of what you have written but it is too complex for me to comment on. This isn't a legal site and I doubt that we can help much.
Eva
What you did what in the best child's interest. You did just what I would have done if my son and dil where in denial.
Complex situation
Good luck
There is one thing you can do. Have CPS list you as a relative willing to take the children, if necessary. (If it's not possible for you to care for them, have a trusted relative do it.) They will not volunteer this info, and you may have to keep after them. CPS will do a background check and a home visit. This will keep the gc out of the state foster system- if worse comes to worse. Once they're in, it's almost impossible to get them out. PM me if you like.
Eva, I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to get involved that way, and feeling like you had to protect your grandchildren even if it jeopardized your access to them. I hope that good things come out of the counseling you and your son are in, and that he takes full advantage of the opportunity to talk to someone about his problems with his temper. It sounds, from other threads, like he is taking some of this to heart, and hopefully that will help his relationship with his kids.
elsieshaye, nana, Luise
thank you for your kind words
our son was always good father until DIL came in,
her idea of toilet training was
to give a cold shower when there was an accident
our younger GD was having fits of hysterical screaming
and shaking, repeating
if she by accident pee pee her pants
"I do not want shower, I do not...
take me at least 5 minutes to calm her down
DIL was divorced as she told me b/c of DV with 2 kids 10-8
her ex was very abusive to her kids,
police was called to her house couple of times
her ex was removed from their property by court order
as she got restraining order against him
her ex lost in divorce everything
was DIL doing same to our son? Honestly, I do not know,
but anger inside our son really scared us
DIL was in any therapy for DV victims
now our son is in counseling with me and DH
as we want from DS visits with our 2 GDs
Thanksgiving last year was last time
DS come with girls to our house for 1 hour
now his 2girls are having help from child psychologist at school
and her 2kids benefits too, having same child psychologist at school
so why they DS and DIL are so angry?
and where the anger in DS come from?
in counseling DS told us that
after wedding he will adopt DIL 2 kids saying,
that they started to call him daddy on their own,
that they want to be one family with same name
our family name
and yet DIL reject me and our whole family
and want to take our family name and give it to her 2 kids?
WHY?
her kids are 12-10 is that fair to them?
have family name of relatives they do not know?
why they would do that? what motives DIL have?
if our son dies :'(
in some car accident as DIL is in charge of car repairs and brakes
his kids and his adopted kids will have same rights
to his estate and his insurance
we are just praying that DS would come to his senses
I can't see where "fair" has anything to do with what you're trying to deal with. Sending love...
Such a sad subject. I know how hard it is to report DS or DD to family services, I had to do it myself. Have to try to protect kids though, they are defenseless. I hope all goes well for your situations. I called in because of a drug party at DD home a little over a year ago, and a man DIED right there from drug overdose, heart basically blew up. My grandsons were in that house at the time. Nothing was done, was told there really was nothing family services could do. Wow. It is true system has financial problems, and so many kids in the system already. My heart breaks for all the suffering children. If I was aware of abuse or neglect going on, I'd say report it. Whoever said if you don't and something awful happens you would never forgive yourself...was correct. We can only do what we can. Children are our future and they really do deserve to feel loved, and safe. If I was really rich I would say I'd probably spend a lot of money to help children in need. Blessings to you all.
Dear Friend, My Heart is with you... You did the right thing...My advise..Do Not give up...
Continue calling childrens services on them, have someone take pictures...sooner or later someone is going to listen....And that I do Believe.....Do it for your GC and for your own peace of mind, it has to be done its as simple as that. Also keep a journal on all of this--data is very important.
As far as the kitten goes--if you have a humane society in your area--do call them about this or the ASPCA in your area--for this is under neglect and abuse and the kitten will be removed they will also be ticketed (however I know that does not matter.) It simply is another strike against them which can be brought up in a court of law.
Do not give up--let them say what they want to say--they are in the wrong and they know this so of course they have to make you look bad----for he who points the finger holds the blame.
Don't give up fight for that Baby----he needs you... HUGS, Faith
This is all very sad. I have a dear friend who has a relative who is a drug addict. The relative has abused and neglected her kids--at least one has even been molested because she just leaves those kids with anyone. My friend called the authorities (several other people did as well) and they took the kids away and gave the kids to their grandparents (the parents of the drug addicted mother). Unfortunately, the grandparents are enablers of the drug addict and allow her to live in their home WITH the children. So, pretty much nothing has changed and the drug addict mother is still abusing and neglecting her kids--only the grandparents are now just watching it all. :(
My friend does not know what to do either.
Quote from: Eva on October 22, 2010, 11:07:07 AM
if our son dies :'(
in some car accident as DIL is in charge of car repairs and brakes
his kids and his adopted kids will have same rights
to his estate and his insurance
we are just praying that DS would come to his senses
This statement really concerns me. Are you fearful that your DIL will try to murder your son (by cutting his brakes or something?)? If so, have you brought your concerns to the authorities?
Goodness, Ladies, when you are dealing withsome whom is irrational, abusive to their children, lives in filth and lies~~anything is possible to happen...I do not blame Mom for fearing for her DS.
I would wonder and feel the same way.
Don't give up your fight.....HUGS, Faith
Quote from: MrsKitty on December 08, 2010, 01:49:21 PM
Quote from: Eva on October 22, 2010, 11:07:07 AM
if our son dies :'(
in some car accident as DIL is in charge of car repairs and brakes
his kids and his adopted kids will have same rights
to his estate and his insurance
we are just praying that DS would come to his senses
This statement really concerns me. Are you fearful that your DIL will try to murder your son (by cutting his brakes or something?)? If so, have you brought your concerns to the authorities?
SET UP TRUSTS. Lawyers know about things such as this. She won't be able to touch it - or have a reserved amount set for care for child(ren) so she is aware she wont be getting a lump sum if something tragic happens. Hope it never gets to this!! God Be With YOU.
Merry Christmas to all!
thank you for advise Happy Days 09
that is what we did, we took our son from our will,
basically his 1/4 portion from our estate would go to his 2 little girls,
but not to another children -be born in his new marriage or adopted..
and our oldest son would be a trustee for our 2 grand daughters
as he is their godfather
Well, I am not sure if you are still reading your replies but wanted to ask if you have ever thought of trying to get custody of that baby? It sounds like you are in a position to do so if you can prove the mother unfit.
It is a very, very sad situation you are in but I feel you did the right thing by reporting because if you know about abuse and do not report it, then it is almost like you are one of the abusers. And, yes, you might have severed your relationship with your son but it sounds like you need to be away from that situation because it was abusing you too. Also, your son might open his eyes one day and want more out of life than he currently has and come to you for help.
Just remember, even though as parents we did not raise our children like your son is doing, we also made our mistakes which were minor compared to what is happening in this situation but still mistakes.