We have been just devastated by how much this sil has changed from prior to wedding 10/11 to now. They dated for 5 years prior, he was very quiet at first but then opened up and seemed to fit right in. Everything was fine until we had a school mascot come to reception to dance with daughter( we couldn't get his school to come as we wanted them to dance with each other) He got so mad at the reception , husband tried to apologize then and at Thanksgiving he was not accepting to it . He has avoided visits except for holidays and acts distance. If we don't kiss his feet or cuddle him like all his fine he will complain to her that we don't' like him , avoid him etc. So he is the victim and we are the bad guys. We are very easy going loving folks and haven't done anyting to rock his boat since . Now they just had a baby , they didn't call to let us know they were on the way , she called me afterwards and I knew we wouldn't as he had said "that will be up for discussion" ( a favorite phrase of his) . I was devastated she didn't call but not shock as she only calls me when on the way home from work or in the car running errands ever since the wedding no more talking to me in front of him at home . He has never thanked us for the wedding and his parents did nothing ( his mom died 11 years ago so there is the step mother problem there along with all kinds of discconnect between him , dad and brother). It was not hard to tell he didn't want us at the hospital he was cold , his rude commnets etc but yet he wanted to know why he was being avoided. Now we are just crushed. WE aer very close to our daughter but feel he is doing his best to pull her apart from her family. he wants her to quit work , she has a good job and I hope not . He is a research electrical engineer, so lots of traits of engineers are there for sure . We have been so upset and concerned since the wedding ( not really healed from that ) and now this that we are now going to counseling to see how and what to do . Celebrations with him are not happy but painful. Please let me know if anyone has something close to this and how you handled it .
Hi Artlady-
I have a hard to please DIL and put much of the blame on her for a difficult relationship. I've come to see, though, that how my son behaves is a larger part of the picture. I think sons and daughters set the tone for how their own families are treated. That's what I've realized for myself.
I know it's hard to see our children pull away and act differently from what we expect - especially the ones we were close to as they were growing up. The solution for me has been to pull myself away and turn my attention back to my own life. It doesn't sound like this SIL wants to improve the situation. If that's the case, there isn't much you can do but you can decide to not turn over the reins of your happiness to him.
If you stick around here, you'll get a lot of encouragement.
My guess is that he was looking for an excuse and found one with the mascot at the reception (taking her away from him?) If it was a surprise, it may have been a serious mistake when you couldn't find one from his school, so the mascots could dance together. Best to have given up the idea at that juncture...but it's water under the bridge, now. Had that not happened, I think he would probably have found something else. He's evidencing a lot of insecurity. She picked him and that's how he is. You can't change that and it's for them to work out, or not. We have expectations involving our AC that often don't get met. You probably would have wanted someone different for her than he is turning out to be. I certainly would. Sending love...
What an uncomfortable situation huh? That seems to be another common thread with folks who come to this web site! I agree with Luise. He was possibly looking for an excuse, and if it hadn't been the mascot thing it would have been another. I understand the hospital since all too well. My own DIL and her family made me feel like an outcast at the birth of my first grandchild, even though my own son wanted me to be there. Such is life. It doesn't sound like the situation is going to change any time soon for you. I have found there are just some people that are (for lack of a better term) just plain weird and hard to get along with! My DIL is one. No matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say...they are cold and unfriendly and rude. I personally like to be friendly and outgoing, and kind to others. If I were in your shoes I think I'd just avoid him totally, and if she can only talk to you when out of his range of hearing...then SHE has the problem! If I were her I'd tell him I'll speak to who ever I want and would NOT hide to talk to anyone. Ridiculous. Childish. He needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up. If he has issues within his own family (stepmom, siblings), then he needs to address them and get over it. I am sorry if that sounds mean, but it is so sad reading day after day on here how so many of us are just treated like trash or like we are just not wanted. About one more issue with my DIL and quite frankly I don't care if there is ever a relationship or not...I refuse to walk on tiptoe like I'm walking on egg shells around her. She puts her pants on same way I put mine on! Same for the fella in your post, and I guess maybe I have gotten a bit TOO strong so I'd tell him what I thought! lol Hope there is a solution for you soon, one never can tell. J
So glad I found this site as I've been researching for all of this . Our grandson is just a week and a half old ,so it is so hard and our first. SIL doesn't have the family background of closeness that daughter was raised in but I think she is one that feels she can fix things ( gets that from me ) and help others all the time . I feel he is getting what he wants if we stay away but dont' feel comfortable being there too much. I did go this week to see her duringthe day as he went back to work but he did come home from lunch, never acknowledged me nor spoke directly to me . So all in all celebrations with him are painful . Counselor told us those personalities are drawn to engineering and they don't have empathy for others, no sense of humor, socially inept , controlling and manipulative ( etc can't remember them all) . WE told her we have been as nice as we could to him and she said that doesn't work with them as they don't have those emotions and it is more threatening to him. The school mascot was a bit hit by everyone but him, our daughter loved it. We thought about telling him since his school coulnd't come but then didn't know if he would tell her and spoil the surprise. It is hard as we are the ones that have to reach out to him and the whole family has to make sure he is happy so now it is all about him and the rest of the family is left out it seems. This is just not fair to all of the family he is not the only one in the family. So glad i can chat with others as seeing the counselor has been one time and not again till Feb 21 but we can't afford to do it for long as co pay is not cheap. All of our friends say we don't need the counseling but we do so we can move on past the pain and deal with life .
Quote from: luise.volta on February 11, 2012, 08:06:08 AM
My guess is that he was looking for an excuse and found one with the mascot at the reception (taking her away from him?) If it was a surprise, it may have been a serious mistake when you couldn't find one from his school, so the mascots could dance together. Best to have given up the idea at that juncture...but it's water under the bridge, now. Had that not happened, I think he would probably have found something else. He's evidencing a lot of insecurity. She picked him and that's how he is. You can't change that and it's for them to work out, or not. We have expectations involving our AC that often don't get met. You probably would have wanted someone different for her than he is turning out to be. I certainly would. Sending love... Thanks so much for listening and so glad i can vent , ask and feel better through others who might have experienced this
I don't think labeling a person by his profession is going to be helpful. It's a little like saying, "all blondes are ___". I've only known a couple of engineers but they don't fit the stereotype that you offered here. It's an easy out to generalize about people, but I don't think you'll find good answers there.
I agree of course Doe, but at the same time I have to say that the counselor just pegged my own DS to a T, and he's also an engineer (physicist). Having had years of experience with this personality type, Artlady, I still don't have the foggiest of how to create a warm easy relationship with him. I am amazed and encouraged that your DD obviously sees something in him that she loves and admires. I am always hoping that my DS with someday find a woman to whom he's able to give and receive love. I have learned that one critical issue with my DS is respect and distance. This is mainly what works best and I don't ever hold out any expectations from him, except respect. If you can cultivate this with SIL, you will have accomplished something, and can then I truly hope enjoy your grandchild and be a close part of his life.
Well the psychiatrist was the one that said this type of personality is drawn to engineering and you find more of that control/manipulative type in engineers plus friends who have sons that are engineers or married to one can agree with the personality types. The psychiatrist said we are going to work on how we can work around this and do so on his terms is all we can do . So we will see what she tells us for our next visit which will be more about what to do as the first one was meeting us , getting the story. I did feel good when she asked had we ever been to see a psychartist before and when we said no she said it was unusual at our age 60 and 62, we laughted and said well we probably could have been in maybe so now we better try catching up with our age group. Poor lady is she is for a real ride lol
Welcome Artlady :)
Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History, both threads are located in the category Open Me First. We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post :)
I have never heard of the mascot thing, is that a local tradition? Pretty cool.
However, if this was a shock to him at his own wedding, I can see why he is so upset. I also get the impression that his feelings about it were taken less than seriously.
I also am leery at psychiatrists who label others with second hand information and at the first meeting, no less! There's good and bad counselors out there and if you were a good friend of mine...I would advise you to get a new one and possibly go to a family counselor rather than a psychiatrist. To me, it's like the internet.....you can always find some self-proclaimed expert or article to back up your point of view. In any case, I don't think labels are going to do you a lot of good in this area.
On another note, I think I read it as if he is staying away...not necessarily forcing or coercing his wife to stay away from you. If he doesn't like you, he would be uncomfortable being around you and especially at times like when his child is being born. But I think it's quite a jump to assume he is forcing his wife into isolation from you considering what you've said. You were at the hospital and that's a lot more than many grandparents are allowed to do nowadays.
I'm not say any of this to be harsh rather than to give you some other points to think about. I agree with the previous poster that a lot of the times it's easier to focus in on the in law than the adult child. It also may just be something that you have to accept on your own without trying to figure him out -- he is uncomfortable around you. And perhaps going to a counselor to deal with your feelings about SIL would be more helpful than going to a counselor to figure him out. In the long run I think you'll feel a lot better about the situation if you approach counseling like that rather than "what is SILs problem?"
I am glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot to relate to here.
Thanks all for the input. I did go to the Open Me , Pam 1 so I hope I've been posting correctly as I'm new and learning. I need to clarify we didn't go to the counseling to figure the SIL out but to help us a we were not sleeping, eating and felt sick to our stomachs. We know we can't do anything about all of the issues he has we can only try to learn how to cope , not let it be so devastating and ruin what time we have left on this earth. There was some thing that went on before the mascot at the reception. It is hard as he is not close to his own family so I don't' think he thinks he needs family and he doesn't' have any friends except the one couple they do things with from time to time . He is introvert and she is extrovert. No we are not going to figure him out just for us so we can cope and not lose our daughter . I do wish he would at least be respectful and not so rude and arrogant that would make it easier .
My take is that's the core of the issue...wishing he was different. Best to let that one go. It really can make you sick. Sending love...
Oh I just feel for my daughter but she made the choice , so now it is time for her to manage her life and situation to suit her life/happiness. WE will be here for her and will do whatever we have to do not to rock the boat. We will just have to learn not to be so sensitive to his rude, arrogant behavior which is going to be hard, to be on eggshells, make him center of attention like he wants so that is why we need guidance and we will pull from our faith very hard. Prayer will be our best friend for a long time it looks like .
Well put...and a plan of action you can live with. You don't have to like. Sending love...
This description of an engineer pegged my "ever so smart and we were so dumb" BIL to perfection.
I would still ask that we stay away from generalizations, no matter how the shoe fits. OK? We have women here from every walk of life. And I have heard..."Well, you know how nurses are." No, how are we? The same is true of ministers or any other field. Kirk's dad was 6 ' 4 " and built like a tank and people asked him who he "played for." He had a brain injury as a child, had a metal plate in his head and couldn't do sports. We all do generalizations but I ask that we don't do it here. Lets put it to rest. Sending love...
FAFE So is your bil a control freak along with all the other issues? If she quits her job as he wants her to do then she will lose all of her identity , plus no money of her own. She has a really good job and these days and times that might not be a good idea. I don't expect him to like or love us if he could just be respectful when we are around . We only saw them about 2 hours total in the two days we were there and the baby less , a new father is usually on cloud nine , he wasn't showing much of any of that. Such a strange weird feeling . As the psychologist said we were in a hostile environment. Well enough of the rambling so how has your bil's wife made it and are there any children? I know this one will be a great provider, jury out on his parenting skills ( hope not like his dad) he is good for all the yard work and house repair things , she can't cook without him watching over her , can't buy anything until it is researched for best price and if it is good. So glad it is not me wow i couldn't live like that. WE are retired and working part time jobs and this is not something we need at this time in our life to have to stroke this needy ego of his but to keep the peace and not have it taken out on our daughter we will do whatever it takes but it might kill us in the mean time lol
artlady, you're posting just fine :)
My take (and trust me, I know it's hard to get your entire story out in just a few posts here) is that the concerns you have about SIL/DD are more about you than them.
Judging a new father in seeing him in action less than 2 hours and also finding him lacking is just looking for trouble, to me. I also think knowing his background is one thing but judging him for it (which he probably does not have much control over) and stressing about how it could affect him as a father is not your place. Please do not take this harshly, I mean to say it to help you. My MIL does very similar things (my parents divorced, mother with terminal illness a long time in my childhood) and uses it to judge my worth as a mother and future mother.
In all of my (many) issues with her I have to say that above is one of the worst. I know what she is doing, she's uncomfortable to be around and quite frankly has absolutely no clue how my childhood really did affect me. Because it was different than what she provided for her kids does not mean it was bad for me or that my worth as a parent is an area she has any right to make a judgement in. I find it highly offensive that she even goes there.
Again, this is not to be harsh but even if you have not voiced these type of things to your SIL or DD (and if you did to DD you can bet she told him) he can probably tell. We all know when someone is "watching" us like that. IMO, it's best to work on ways to detach from being this close to their marriage. It is theirs and theirs alone to manage. I am sure you raised your DD to be a strong woman and she will not do anything she doesn't want to.
A bit taken aback to see engineers labeled as controlling etc. Mine is a sweetie!
Oh I'm not labeling an engineer I'm just stating what others have said that are married to them, have them in the family or the psychologist so please no offense to anyone . I've met some that are very outgoing , funny and sweet so I don't' think it is a fair assumption of all engineers. With this situation it does fit his personality. Kate I understand and no I don't talk to my daughter about our feelings, we go out of the way to be nice to him and act normal so not to rock the boat. We live about 100 miles away and we are not in the middle of their marriage , not intruding in laws, and we don't ever ask ourselves for a visit.WE would never confront him , upset him or be rude to him. Our situation is finding the common ground on how to deal with our hurt ( of knowing he wants no family not even his ) of being on eggshells around him and trying to enjoy this special time with our daughter and grandbaby when we can. We are very fearful of the controlling behavior, short fuse ( we have now seen) and how he talks to her at times in front of us ( so no telling what it is behind close doors) She is a strong person and I just hope and pray she can stand up for herself and not get beaten down. So we know we have to be strong for her and she will be the one that has to handle her own marriage and family . They are now a family and that is how it is , so we will do whatever it takes to keep the doors open for all . WE love them all flaws and all . He might not ever love or like us but if he could just treat us with respect on the few times he is around us would make it easier( he is only around us Thanksgiving , Christmas and maybe one other time a year). She comes to visit by herself during the year so that is how it has been and we can live with that.
Quote from: JaneF on February 11, 2012, 08:31:12 AM
What an uncomfortable situation huh? That seems to be another common thread with folks who come to this web site! I agree with Luise. He was possibly looking for an excuse, and if it hadn't been the mascot thing it would have been another. I understand the hospital since all too well. My own DIL and her family made me feel like an outcast at the birth of my first grandchild, even though my own son wanted me to be there. Such is life. It doesn't sound like the situation is going to change any time soon for you. I have found there are just some people that are (for lack of a better term) just plain weird and hard to get along with! My DIL is one. No matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say...they are cold and unfriendly and rude. I personally like to be friendly and outgoing, and kind to others. If I were in your shoes I think I'd just avoid him totally, and if she can only talk to you when out of his range of hearing...then SHE has the problem! If I were her I'd tell him I'll speak to who ever I want and would NOT hide to talk to anyone. Ridiculous. Childish. He needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up. If he has issues within his own family (stepmom, siblings), then he needs to address them and get over it. I am sorry if that sounds mean, but it is so sad reading day after day on here how so many of us are just treated like trash or like we are just not wanted. About one more issue with my DIL and quite frankly I don't care if there is ever a relationship or not...I refuse to walk on tiptoe like I'm walking on egg shells around her. She puts her pants on same way I put mine on! Same for the fella in your post, and I guess maybe I have gotten a bit TOO strong so I'd tell him what I thought! lol Hope there is a solution for you soon, one never can tell. J
Jane we were there for 2 days and saw them maybe 2 hours , we were in the hall more than in the room for nursing , their time together etc, his rude and ugly comments to us went right through our hearts. So it seems every time we have a celebration it ends up being painful. For us being very loving and sensitive people it is hard to deal with difficult folks but when in your family it jerks your heart out.
Quote from: FAFE on February 11, 2012, 07:14:26 PM
This description of an engineer pegged my "ever so smart and we were so dumb" BIL to perfection.
I replied in the regular post to you , didn't know that maybe i should have out it here. Thanks
Quote from: Kate on February 11, 2012, 11:50:23 PM
A bit taken aback to see engineers labeled as controlling etc. Mine is a sweetie!
So sorry Kate I never meant to step on toes, I'm just stating what I've been told . I know all generalizations are not warranted of professions. I know he is a good guy and we are here to give him family ( that he has never had ) and love ( that he wants so bad from his family) ,so all we can do is pray we can be a happy part of his life in the future but at the same time I've got friends that have gone through a lot of the very same with dil for years with it never getting better. So we just have to learn to accept it and be there when needed for all .
Quote from: JaneF on February 11, 2012, 08:31:12 AM
What an uncomfortable situation huh? That seems to be another common thread with folks who come to this web site! I agree with Luise. He was possibly looking for an excuse, and if it hadn't been the mascot thing it would have been another. I understand the hospital since all too well. My own DIL and her family made me feel like an outcast at the birth of my first grandchild, even though my own son wanted me to be there. Such is life. It doesn't sound like the situation is going to change any time soon for you. I have found there are just some people that are (for lack of a better term) just plain weird and hard to get along with! My DIL is one. No matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say...they are cold and unfriendly and rude. I personally like to be friendly and outgoing, and kind to others. If I were in your shoes I think I'd just avoid him totally, and if she can only talk to you when out of his range of hearing...then SHE has the problem! If I were her I'd tell him I'll speak to who ever I want and would NOT hide to talk to anyone. Ridiculous. Childish. He needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up. If he has issues within his own family (stepmom, siblings), then he needs to address them and get over it. I am sorry if that sounds mean, but it is so sad reading day after day on here how so many of us are just treated like trash or like we are just not wanted. About one more issue with my DIL and quite frankly I don't care if there is ever a relationship or not...I refuse to walk on tiptoe like I'm walking on egg shells around her. She puts her pants on same way I put mine on! Same for the fella in your post, and I guess maybe I have gotten a bit TOO strong so I'd tell him what I thought! lol Hope there is a solution for you soon, one never can tell. J
b WE think alike and I totally agree with you . We feel we are too old to play these games . Dealing with an immature 36 year old sil is not what I thought my " golden years " would be all about . I'm 60 and hubby is 62 semi retired working part time and life should be good even if the economy looks dim , we want to have fun while we can . Thanks for your strong point of view.
Quote from: artlady on February 12, 2012, 06:16:14 AMJane we were there for 2 days and saw them maybe 2 hours , we were in the hall more than in the room for nursing , their time together etc, his rude and ugly comments to us went right through our hearts. So it seems every time we have a celebration it ends up being painful. For us being very loving and sensitive people it is hard to deal with difficult folks but when in your family it jerks your heart out.
Sorry, ladies, but this hit a nerve with me. I have a 2 year old and am expecting one this spring. While I don't think there is any excuse for rude or ugly comments from your SIL, I do think they have the right to spend as much alone time with the baby as they need and that the hospital experience should be all about what's best for the parents and baby, including nursing privately as much and as often as needed. I think grandparents' needs are a distant second priority during this fragile time, expecially if it is the first baby.
In my case, for example (not suggesting this is what you were like), but my MIL made me incredibly uncomfortable. I think is is wonderful and sweet to have GP come to meet the newborn, take photos, etc., which is why we invited them to the hospital. However, when I had to play tug-of-war with the baby I just gave birth to, or was pressured to put his feeding schedule on hold so she could get more "bonding" time with him, I realized that she was actually not considering our needs at all. This time, they will not be invited to the hospital, but we will ask them to come by our home after we are settled (probably a day or two after we get home). I know to some this makes me sound like a monster, but I just have too many precious things to worry about (baby's needs, toddler's needs, DH's needs, my health) to be worried that my MIL will get everything she ever dreamed of out of our birth experience.
I'm sorry your SIL said rude things to you, that is not ok, but if your presence was making him feel uncomfortable or stressing him out more during the first few days of his baby's life, I can see why he may have wanted to be alone with his new family (and your DD was probably right on board with this)
For the record, my DM did not get any special treatment, either, and she was perfectly accepting and just happy that we were happy.
Quote from: phillek on February 12, 2012, 06:55:25 AM
Quote from: artlady on February 12, 2012, 06:16:14 AMJane we were there for 2 days and saw them maybe 2 hours , we were in the hall more than in the room for nursing , their time together etc, his rude and ugly comments to us went right through our hearts. So it seems every time we have a celebration it ends up being painful. For us being very loving and sensitive people it is hard to deal with difficult folks but when in your family it jerks your heart out.
Sorry, ladies, but this hit a nerve with me. I have a 2 year old and am expecting one this spring. While I don't think there is any excuse for rude or ugly comments from your SIL, I do think they have the right to spend as much alone time with the baby as they need and that the hospital experience should be all about what's best for the parents and baby, including nursing privately as much and as often as needed. I think grandparents' needs are a distant second priority during this fragile time, especially if it is the first baby.
In my case, for example (not suggesting this is what you were like), but my MIL made me incredibly uncomfortable. I think is is wonderful and sweet to have GP come to meet the newborn, take photos, etc., which is why we invited them to the hospital. However, when I had to play tug-of-war with the baby I just gave birth to, or was pressured to put his feeding schedule on hold so she could get more "bonding" time with him, I realized that she was actually not considering our needs at all. This time, they will not be invited to the hospital, but we will ask them to come by our home after we are settled (probably a day or two after we get home). I know to some this makes me sound like a monster, but I just have too many precious things to worry about (baby's needs, toddler's needs, DH's needs, my health) to be worried that my MIL will get everything she ever dreamed of out of our birth experience.
I'm sorry your SIL said rude things to you, that is not ok, but if your presence was making him feel uncomfortable or stressing him out more during the first few days of his baby's life, I can see why he may have wanted to be alone with his new family (and your DD was probably right on board with this)
For the record, my DM did not get any special treatment, either, and she was perfectly accepting and just happy that we were happy.
Oh I totally understand about their privacy with the new baby . I'm sorry you might have misunderstood the two hours we were there we never stayed in the room more than 15-30 minutes , i held the baby maybe 2 times for about 10 minutes , my daughter kept saying " Mom you haven't held the baby much" she was texting me all the time that she didn't feel we had seen each other enough , when was i coming back up , . We are very very close and I'm not a smothering mother, we are like best friends. Now she told me they wanted the first two weeks to get adjusted with not alot of visitors but that was not including me and dad. She thought I'd come home then come back and stay some but I waited as I was so crushed by his ugly words and body language of ignoring us that I couldn't go back up , so I waited a week , he came home for lunch and never really acknowledged me and I was ready to cry , once he left i was better. She wants me there and I want to be there but I"m not going to get in his way , so I'm in a bind. She was so tired and baby nursing all the time , he was going to stay home for the two weeks but went back to work on Monday and baby was a week old. I love my daughter and want this to be the most special time in her life . I love children and it is the best thing in life . I hope that clears it up that i do respect that special bonding time and would never take that from them,. I totally don't think gp need to be in the delivery room , that is another special time for them .
Gotcha, artlady. It looks like maybe you were worried that your DD's needs weren't being met, not that you were worried about your own needs.
I apologize , I am quite pregnant and pretty touchy on this subject because I had such a negative experience and am anticipating it happening again. When I hear that GP weren't happy with the pregnancy/birth/childcare I automatically want to shout "Red Flag! This is not about you!" Funny how your own experiences can cloud your judgment about what others are going through :)
Sorry you are going through this, best wishes to you :)
Quote from: phillek on February 12, 2012, 07:33:37 AM
Gotcha, artlady. It looks like maybe you were worried that your DD's needs weren't being met, not that you were worried about your own needs.
I apologize , I am quite pregnant and pretty touchy on this subject because I had such a negative experience and am anticipating it happening again. When I hear that GP weren't happy with the pregnancy/birth/childcare I automatically want to shout "Red Flag! This is not about you!" Funny how your own experiences can cloud your judgment about what others are going through :)
Sorry you are going through this, best wishes to you :)
Hey no offense taken I would have had 6 children if not for a cancer related pregnancy but with standing my ground at Duke they let me try 2 years later and I had my miracle , for them too. I was a single mom from when she was 2 till 12 , her dad was killed in car accident so needless to say we are very close and folks that know me know i 'd be a great grandmother, young friends wish i could be a surrogate to theirs vs who they have and we have two little ones from hubby's boys that allow us in so this is hard but I'm going to do what i have to as i want my daughter's happiness more than mine . thanks and good luck with your pregnancy and baby. I loved being pregnant and being a mom .
Quote from: artlady on February 12, 2012, 07:48:56 AM
good luck with your pregnancy and baby. I loved being pregnant and being a mom .
Thanks, artlady, I love it too!
I too agree with artlady for the record! I was asked to be in the room to film (yuk, not what I ever would have wanted!), by DIL AND son. The DIL also had both of her parents in there, both of her grandparents, a friend of her mothers ::)...needless to say it was a circus! I was not at all upset by not "having my needs met" here, I just thought my son and DIL should have had time ALONE with the new baby without ANY of us there. Her entire family snatched that baby right up and took over is what bothered me most. Her family treating me rudely was something that did NOT have a place there at that time. This was not about anyone but the new baby and the parents in my opinion. I am not a "smother mother" either to be honest. I love my kids and grandkids, but they don't "define me". I have things I like to do, interests, and activities of my own. I don't need them to be surrounding me constantly. I think our statements concerning being there when grandchildren were misunderstood, I apologise for that. I too wanted more of a private time many years ago when I gave birth to my kids, my own mother was not in there with me...just my husband. I felt it was our time to bond with the new babies ALONE. J
Got it, Jane.
Again, I know I am hypersensitive on this issue, which is probably why I misunderstood. :)
I totally understand! Been there! My youngest son was 9 months old when I found out I was expecting my daughter :o, so I was also very pregnant and trying to care for another less than 18 months old, and a 5 year old....sigh. I was exhausted and cranky a lot! Best to you with the arrival of your new little one! J
phillek, as your new MIL, am I allowed to come see the baby? LOL!
artlady, my BIL was not so much controlling and he was so good about letting us know how very smart he was. He left a very bitter taste in our mouths after he retired from his job and got a contracting job 15 hours from his wife who had just been diagnosed with early onset dementia. Totally left her, and we had to pick up the pieces and take care of her. She passed away Jan 18th and he did take 3 days out of his life to be there for her funeral. I could write a book about him (and maybe will one of these days). He may have been the same way if he was in another profession, so maybe generalizing about what he was/is may have been a little out there.
Quote from: FAFE on February 12, 2012, 09:33:18 AM
phillek, as your new MIL, am I allowed to come see the baby? LOL!
artlady, my BIL was not so much controlling and he was so good about letting us know how very smart he was. He left a very bitter taste in our mouths after he retired from his job and got a contracting job 15 hours from his wife who had just been diagnosed with early onset dementia. Totally left her, and we had to pick up the pieces and take care of her. She passed away Jan 18th and he did take 3 days out of his life to be there for her funeral. I could write a book about him (and maybe will one of these days). He may have been the same way if he was in another profession, so maybe generalizing about what he was/is may have been a little out there.
Maybe not to generalize the profession but maybe better to just address the personality as it is , as I'm sure there r lots of type A's everywhere with lots of facets from none to severe . We all have our flaws and none are perfect but no matter how it is I just wish everyone could at least be kind to one another regardless of it they like someone or not . I try to do that cause most of those folks i don't see a lot or all the time so I can suffer through it not to ruffle any feathers . This new generation is a bit different than mine and I'm sure they say it about each generation . As they say this too will pass I just hope and pray a divide doesn't happen that takes years to repair as we never know if we have tomorrow.
FAFE! Of course you can come see the baby - that is if you promise that I won't have to chase you around the room with my stitches and physically pry your fingers off of him so I can take him to nurse, and that you won't storm out of the room in a huff because the nurse brings him in and hands him directly to me instead of to you, even though your arms are outstretched - this stuff actually happened, no exaggeration! I'm scarred for life. So glad to hear stories from reasonable GMs like you, artlady, and Jane, to take me down a notch!
Okay, I'll let artlady get back to her initial problem, now :)
phillek, your last post made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I enjoy a good laugh! I got a good mental picture of that scene. lol J
Quote from: JaneF on February 12, 2012, 11:14:53 AM
phillek, your last post made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I enjoy a good laugh! I got a good mental picture of that scene. lol J
Ha! I know, I should write a sitcom for my own self-therapy ;D
Quote from: phillek on February 12, 2012, 09:46:23 AM
FAFE! Of course you can come see the baby - that is if you promise that I won't have to chase you around the room with my stitches and physically pry your fingers off of him so I can take him to nurse, and that you won't storm out of the room in a huff because the nurse brings him in and hands him directly to me instead of to you, even though your arms are outstretched - this stuff actually happened, no exaggeration! I'm scarred for life. So glad to hear stories from reasonable GMs like you, artlady, and Jane, to take me down a notch!
Okay, I'll let artlady get back to her initial problem, now :)
Hey now if FAFE is coming I have to come for that birth. Hey between the two of us we might really do your MIL in and she might not ever bother you again at the birth of a baby. LOL I can't believe that happened , I would never do that , just want to support , help whatever needed and when it is ok oh yes i want to hold that little bundle but I can't nurse him , those have long dried up . LOl
Quote from: phillek on February 12, 2012, 11:33:37 AM
Quote from: JaneF on February 12, 2012, 11:14:53 AM
phillek, your last post made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I enjoy a good laugh! I got a good mental picture of that scene. lol J
Ha! I know, I should write a sitcom for my own self-therapy ;D
I bet you could , hey I've got some good material from my life that would add to it so let me know if you need any more . LOL I posted in wrong spot I think but if FAfe IS COMING you know i'll have to be there and we can handle the MIL i bet for you . Have you ever watched that show ONe Born every minute ( i think that is it) . It is wild you should see the drama they have sometimes with family lol
ok now I've got another question that all of you wise women can help me with . It will be a new topic and now you have the background so since you have helped me so much I know you can help me with the rest. I'm feeling so much better and I know that we'll be fine and so will they plus it is going to save me that big copay per hour for professional help. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU > Look out for the new topic that I need to figure out how to handle the best way.
Will, I'm not going to miss the birthing of my new grandson for nothing. May have to tie my hands back to keep from grabbing him!!! Yes, I bet me and artlady could probably outshine your MIL by our "good" behavior! I cannot help with the feeding either unless it is with a bottle and some formula.
Quote from: FAFE on February 12, 2012, 03:02:24 PM
Will, I'm not going to miss the birthing of my new grandson for nothing. May have to tie my hands back to keep from grabbing him!!! Yes, I bet me and artlady could probably outshine your MIL by our "good" behavior! I cannot help with the feeding either unless it is with a bottle and some formula.
Well we had everything planned , dog sitter, car gassed ( for weeks) books, magazines to read while we waited but when dd called to tell me he was here I knew it wasn';t her choice as he had said one time while i was there and she and I were discussing which number to call in the middle of the night ( cell or house) and he added his two "cents" . I've not read that anywhere she told him yes parents r called and he said well that will be up for discussion. I told my friends i knew i would not be called they said i would , wish i had taken bets LOL Not my dd she is one that has called me everyday sometimes many times a day since she left for college , we chat and laugh like friends and i miss that , she calls now everyday on her way home or when she is out and about . He is jealous of her relationship we me or that he doesn't have his mother who died 11 years ago and he still seems to have issues there , the wedding was almost a memorial for her with all the things they wanted to do in her memory. Someone asked was it going to be a wedding or memorial service. Ok now i 've got that out lol Now when is your grandson going to be born?
FAFE and artlady,
Bring it on :) The only help with feeding I will need is loving, non-judgmentmental support - and maybe you ladies can be my bodyguards to protect my space during feeding time. Whew, seriously though, I really can't wait - so excited! It does feel good to get those silly worries off my chest and focus on the big picture.
artlady, I think FAFE was joking about her new grandson - she means my baby boy coming in April. FAFE adopted me as her DIL in another post when I was ranting (shocker) about MIL. FAFE actually has a real life sweet baby granddaughter.
Quote from: phillek on February 12, 2012, 05:07:32 PM
FAFE and artlady,
Bring it on :) The only help with feeding I will need is loving, non-judgmentmental support - and maybe you ladies can be my bodyguards to protect my space during feeding time. Whew, seriously though, I really can't wait - so excited! It does feel good to get those silly worries off my chest and focus on the big picture.
artlady, I think FAFE was joking about her new grandson - she means my baby boy coming in April. FAFE adopted me as her DIL in another post when I was ranting (shocker) about MIL. FAFE actually has a real life sweet baby granddaughter.
Oh I missed the rant , oops lol. Hey we would be good to support you , laugh, have fun , but keep the distance you need because there is nothing like that little one breathing on your neck and oh my goodness those little snuggle times no one should steal those from a mom unless they want to me a mad mama bear lol. I'm new to this site ( just a few days here ) so I'll have to keep my pea brain alert to remember who has who. I can be a surrogate anytime , I"m in NC if anyone ever needed some help .
Hey ladies, just a reminder that blanket generalizations are highly discouraged here. Please just discuss the personality in question. We have women (and some men) who read and post here from all walks of life.