March 28, 2024, 04:30:46 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - sad

1
Shantisue. Sorry for your situation.  My daughter will probably not talk to me again.  It hurts, but telling these women about your (my) pain really has seemed to have an impact on me and help me move my life forward.  Write what you need to and say what you need to. Good luck to you. 
2
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Update
August 30, 2013, 07:38:05 PM
I have to thank everyone here.  No, I have not had any contact with my daughter.  She still hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me.  However, I have moved to a good place ... or at least ... I have convinced myself that I am now in a good place.  Only time will tell, but I think I'm ok now.  Previously, I was obsessing every day, all hours of the day about how my daughter and her husband had turned against me.  I lamented on and on about how I would miss my grandson grow up and, indeed, I will.  But one woman here changed my way of thinking when she asked if anyone had ever taken the off ramp and decided to just abandon all thought of having a relationship with her daughter.  I, at that point, had not thought that way at all.  Luise commented on how she admired that the woman had chosen not to be a victim in this process.  I paused, and thought about it too.  For weeks.

I did not actually make a decisive decision about it, but, slowly, I came into the position and emotional acceptance that I was better off taking the off ramp and that it was ok.  I've lasted the last couple of months this way.  I"m happy now.  I feel as if life is going to move forward in a fantastic way.... and I really don't think that I'm fooling myself into this fantasy.  I think I really feel this way.  For the first time in two months, I had a really angry thought about how my daughter and her husband and family have treated me.  I have a habit of writing my feelings and pressing send, but now I write my feelings and save them in my google drive.  I have a great emotional gripe session and then instead of pressing send, I cut and paste my thoughts onto my google  document.  I can, of course, send it some day.  But, for now, I'm saving my thoughts. 

I think I"m a peace now, but can't be sure.  I wish you all the best.  I will return to check on you all once in a while.   Of course, I'm still sad about the outcome, but am at peace now.  I'm changing my lifestyle and embarking on learning new and different things.  Maybe this is better for me.  Good luck to you all.  Best wishes.
3
Find money for a hidden camera.  You can buy them from the Spy Shop in NYC. They have an online store.  Or, you can walk in if you are in the city.
4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Hello, I'm new
August 01, 2013, 04:48:14 PM
Good point herbalescapes.  My daughter's husband has some twisted, untrue stories about my daughter's past too.  Of course, he will choose her... That makes total sense.  I never thought of it that way.
5
There is not a chance that I would allow family members to make fun of me in front of other people.  Oh snap.  Not ever happening.  You give it back to those boys when they start it again. That is my opinion.  Think about how to give it back.  Do it once and they will never do that to you again.  Again, my opinion...based on experience.  Maybe you could think of something that everyone find great fun in.  A little embarrassment, but not enough to damage anyone.  Just enough so your kids know that YOU KNOW a little more than they want the audience to know.   ha ha ha.... they'll back off.
6
Sunny, your daughter and I must have read the same book on manipulation.  But, on second thought, I am a master manipulator myself.  So she really learned from the best.  Karma back on me, I guess.  I never imagined that she would work me over. 

She is totally influenced my the husband and his family.  I am no angel in this because I am telling whoever need it, to mind their own business.  The husbands father has eloquently told me that I "must be off my meds."  Isn't he sweet?  He also has given my daughter the great idea of placing a restraining order against me.  Fortunately, she knows that I am a legal minefield in that I have never been to court without winning.  It made her think twice.... so far. I really have not done anything to warrant a restraining order anyway. 

But, I am so put off that this man has pushed my daughter to think about thatmot.  Imagine the emotional guilt she would have after time passes and she realizes that she was wrong and she took her own mother to court?

Once they broke up and the boyfriend (now husband) called me and told me that he joined the marines because she broke up with him.  I was so mad.  If he goes off to war and dies, then she will forever feel guilt.  Guilt that he placed on her... arrrrrgh.  I can't stand this guy.
7
I thought it was interesting, but the author was judgmental.  I'll take anything, though.  Thanks for the read.
8
Sorry, I spelled it wrong, but it is no less true.
9
I know I'm new.  But, I found this quote on Pinterest and I immediately thought of Luise.  Thanks for everything Luise.  You, strangely, have made quite an impact on my life in the past few days.  Thanks so much for sharing.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."
10
Yes Luise, so sorry for your loss.  I hope you are really helped by the people on this site that you created.  You seem to be a wonderfully caring person.  I appreciate you and your efforts.

nanaabby, I second guess myself all the time.  But also, my emotions get in the way and I just lash out at her painful comments to me.  My daughter is headstrong as well.  My dad told me that I had taught her to be confident and strong, just like me (not feeling so confident now though) and that she is exactly what I trained her to be.  He also said that now I just have to let her go and that maybe she will make the right choices and maybe the wrong choices, but that only time will tell.  It's like a sink or swim.  He also said that the kindest, most loving thing I could do for her is to let her go through this phase in her life and have that sink or swim moment.  What he said to me makes perfect sense except when I'm so lonely and missing her.  I was grateful to hear from him that he thought she had a good deal of maturing to do.  But, that process is years away, I think and the husbands family will be front and center during it which means she will be heavily influenced by horrible people.  That makes me want to jump in and save her from them.

I think I'll try this timing the wallow time thing.  This is constant for me.  Here I am at 5:04 in the morning checking the site.  It's better than most days when I wake up early and just yell at everyone in my head for a few hours until the sun comes up.  I'm trying not to be consumed by this. 

Ok, so here I go. I'm going to get up and be productive.  Have a great day ladies!
11
That's funny nanaabby, three days ago I started the same nesting routine.  I'm cleaning and setting up new projects.  I guess maybe it's part of the healing process. 

Sunny, I'm a too devoted mother too.  My daughter often tells me I love her 'too much'.  Also, my daughter said a similar thing about our family.  That she found them all irritating and wanted nothing to do with them.  She did call my mother earlier this week, so that means the husband isn't around and she is lonely.  When he goes away on active duty, she becomes my daughter again.  Each time he leaves for three or six months, she reverts back to her wonderful self.  The pattern is so clear to me.  Unfortunately, he is now on a nondeployable billet now and won't be leaving for another three years. 

I am also someone who takes days to return to normal.  Sometimes weeks.  When she got pregnant and announced her wedding to the guy she knew I did not approve of, it took me three months to even start to recover.  I was destroyed that she would now be permanently attached to him and his awful family forever.... and so would I.  The last two years have been the worst of my life (she married two years ago).  I'm feeling a little better after finding this site (which was two or three days ago.  I wish you the best.
12
Thanks Didi.lost.  It means a lot to be heard.  I never imagined how much I needed to talk.  Best wishes to you.
13
I'm new too.  But good for you for making that choice.  That is brave.  I can't seem to bring myself to it unless I'm brought to it by anger at the end of an argument.  My daughter has cut me off completely.  I have little hope that she will contact me.  She also has a very influential husband and in-laws who have told her how horrible I am after all I sacrificed and all the love I showed her.   It has been only two months for me,  but I can't stop thinking about it.  After finding this site, I am slowly coming to grips with reality.  I think it will take me a long time though.  Best wishes to you.
14
Thanks Pen and Pooh.  You are both right.  I have had similar experiences.  My son-in-law's family comes from money... yes.   The father throws it around.  He is nasty to my daughter about her expecting him to pay for dinner at a restaurant and I'm surprised she hasn't laid him out verbally.  He is a very distasteful man.  He and the mother are still married but he has lived separately from her for years so he can get some on the side.  They always spend all holidays together. It is a very sick situation.  Perhaps I'm too conservative.  But I think it is messed up.  They do throw their money around a lot and I'm a divorced mom with very little in the way of extravagance.  My dad contributed a lot to her upbringing financially... at his request, I'm so grateful to him.  You have no idea how much she was given.  Perhaps that is why she is so ungrateful.  But she always blamed me for her not having enough.  Believe me.  She had more than enough.  The nice thing is that some of the kids she grew up with have privately written me and told me that I was always a great mom.  They don't know what is happening now.  So, it was extra special that they recognized how much I did for her.  My best friend, who I have known for 51 years, could not believe she was acting in this way after all I had done for her.  I'm, in a way, very sorry for her that she doesn't get it.  I 100% know I did everything I could for her.  Are there things I should have done?  I don't really know.  I do know that every last second of 22 years, before she moved away with the boyfriend, was spent on her.  I even gave up dating for all of that time so that she did not have to deal with men coming in and out of her life. 

Pooh, I think you're right about experiencing a new family and feeling like she missed out.  I think the family is milking it for all it's worth too.  They are horrible people.  My daughter did get pregnant before she married.  I was devastated.  It took me a long time to come to grips with it.  I sucked it up and loved my grandson with everything I had.  My son-in-law told me to my face that because I did not think like him and because i did not want to spend time with his father that I did not love my daughter.  Very pompous young man.  A lot of nerve it takes to tell a mother that.  Since he told me that, I have not spoken with my daughter.  I am sure he went home and spun our argument to her to his advantage.
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Anyway, thanks for all the support.  This really has helped me.  I can feel it helping.  Thank you all so much and best wishes to you all.
15
I know what you mean Yankee30.  I'm a reactor too.  My emotions just won't stay in the bottle in this situation.  My mouth seems to lead.  It is something I'm trying to work on as well.  Strength to you.