March 28, 2024, 01:17:45 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - lancaster lady

1441
Before applying for a top job ,my son ''wiped clean '' his FB page .
His friends had a habit of posting things on his page that perhaps might have been unsuitable .All done in fun .So if you share a computer make sure you log out of the site before you closedown .
Future employers do check this social networking .:)
1442
I agree FB can be a wonderful site for keeping in touch with long lost friends and relatives . However FB was the initial cause of the row between myself and my DIL .
An unoffensive comment not meant to hurt anyone made by myself and not aimed at her was taken out of context and blown out of all proportion.So now I am very wary of the comments I make on FB .why did she use this innocent remark as ammunition I will probably never know .However my DS has always warned me about upsetting her ,as in saying things ,so perhaps she is the type of person who takes offence at anything ,if she wasn't this whole episode would never have happened .:(
1443
I appreciate all your support with my own problems and feel for you with all your own problems .
I realise one of us ,that is myself and my DIL will have to make a move towards reconciliation however I feel I am still hurting and feeling a bit raw .So for the many of you who have advised space at the moment this feels right to me at this time .I am still talking to my DS on a regular basis and he sent me a photo of my GC today .I know he is desperate for this to end and it will but I feel we both need a little cooling off period . then I think we should perhaps start again without any reference to what has gone before .Hopefullly when this happens it will be a new start for us .I will however ask that if she thinks I am at fault she should say .Likewise I should be able to mention any wrongdoings towards me .With a bit of luck neither of us will take offence .
As mentioned before I have asked to see my GC on her first birthday ...or around that day .Maybe this will be the icebreaker we need .She still has to agree for me to see her first .I am ever hopeful .

Mrs K ..My daughter was told at the onset to not get involved ! However when her mother is being verbally abused it's hard to make a grown woman back off .It was wrong for her to get involved but when she sees her mom in tears ,her instincts took over .No one else is involved now till things are worked out .
I wish I could turn the clock back but whats done is done .
1444
We are damned if we do and damned if we don't .....does anyone ever get it right ?? :-\
1445
OUCH !
The original remark was made on FB for my Siblings .My DIL thought it was for her it was in no way offensive to anyone .She phoned my son to complain .I then phoned her to apologise and offer an explanation .my remark was '' hooray for FB .lets me know what my kids are up to '' would you find this offensive ? She insisted it was meant for her no matter how many times I said it wasn't !she then sent me an offensive email more or less calling me a liar .How would you respond ? My daughter became involved against my wishes and so on and so on .This was my GC first xmas .after weeks about asking about their plans I was told we don't know what we are doing .I knew they were spending Xmas at her folks but hoped they would visit  .or we could visit afterwards .The reason I conversed with my son beacause I was told not to upset her .
This is a lot more complex than you see on paper ,and I have tried initially to make things right .,without success .
holliberri has described my DIL  exactly as she is ,sorry you can't see that .
I hope we make things up and yes I would like to go to the wedding but not if I'm not welcome .
1446
After what happened to me on FB I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not .People tend to say things on FB that they would never ever say if faced with the person they are ranting about .I agree it's a great way to keep in touch with friends and family until one word is taken out of context and twisted until it suits someone's sick purpose .I love the idea of writing a six page letter on word to get all your feelings out of your system ! Then that's what this lovely website is for ..lol
I reckon if you wouldn't say a thing to someone's face ,then don't say it on FB .I actually deleted my page so as not to offend my DIL AGAIN !My friends thought I had deleted them as they couldn't see my page ,so I started up again but I'm very wary of what I say .Anything I now read which offends me goes over my head and slides down my back ! These pages of WW has made me stronger once again and I thank you ....x
1447
I thank you all ,and can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice .It really helps me to feel other women feel what I am going through .I am amazed how common this really is .All my friends seem to have great relationships with  their DIL,I envy them .The wedding is planned for later in the year and no one has mentioned it lately .I am afraid what my answer would be .How can you celebrate the joining of two people when one of them won't speak to you .Thankyou Holliberri your advice made me feel so much better .Yes I was beating myself up thinking what I should have done etc .I feel I am a warm kind loving person who has never fallen out with anyone in my life ! So this has hit me like a ton of bricks .My grandchild is 1 year old next month and have requested to see her .That sentence is madness to my eyes ,to have to request to see your own granddaughter .My own grandmother was like a second mom to me and she let me know how much I was loved .The same relationship I would have liked for mine .I don't know if I am being tested or not but future DIL is posting photos of my granddaughter on FB. Is this to make me feel bad at what I am missing ,or to keep me in touch ? Probably the latter .Yes I am in touch with DS as I love him dearly and ask about the welfare of my granddaughter to let him know I still love and care for her welfare .I have the support of the rest of my family who keep me sane ,along with you my new found friends .I live in hope of a solution ,I know she is waiting for me to make  the first move in reconcilliation ,but I too have my pride .In standing firm I believe lets her know her behaviour is unacceptable  but at what cost ?
1448
You sound like an ideal DIL holliberri .......my problems are totally different to yours .
Mr son and his girlfriend have been together for four years and during that time we all got on pretty well . When their relationship became serious she decided to alienate his flatmate who had been his friend for years .He duly moved out ! My son and him remained friends until his friend took a partner .My future DIL then decided to alienate her .Which leaves my son in a difficult place ,this was to be his best man !
I feel anyone who is too close to my son becomes a target .Of course with my slip of the tongue that was her excuse to target me .Then when the baby arrived the torture began a little twist here and there.This is one clever little lady slowly but surely we are being alienated .I hope me lovely son is strong enough to fight for his family ,it's the waiting which is torture .!
My thanks to Laurie for her kindness it means a lot ..x
1449
Thanks holliberri....we have to start talking first ,but I appreciate your input .
what I hate is the fact we MIL 's have to roll over and submit !
The DIL has the power of my son and grandchild hovering over me ,and it seems to me she relishes that fact .If she doesn't agree for me to see my grandchild then she has won .My son is a gentle giant and is bewitched .I don't want to come between him and his partner ,all I wanted was to be part of my grandchild's life . As the months went on this became less and less until I snapped I suppose .I objected to them spending Xmas and New Year with her family .Big mistake ! I was supposed to accept the crumbs that were given . So I am supposed to sit and wait until the all power deems to throw me some more crumbs ....I might just starve waiting .!
Thankyou ladies for letting me rant .It alternates with the tears ...I hate being weak !
1450
Thanks again Laurie ,I guess you have already been there ! Why do DIL 's behave like that? ,after reading many letters on this site I realise how many young girls act in this way .It could be so different ,if I had acted like a witch I could understand .I see that many of you recommend I speak with my son ,in fact that was one of her bugbears .It's nothing to do with him ,I was told .Speak to me directly ! I was  already trained not to upset her that I spoke to him instead .We are supposed to read minds too .! I will follow your advice .In fact I spoke to him and said exactly that.I will find it hard to be friends with someone that has no empathy for me or respect .How long do we wait ? Forever is a long time .....:(
1451
thank you Laurie ,great to be able to talk about this ,as my husband is so sick of me going on !
My DIL ''to be''.also informed me I shouldn't expect the same relationship as she has with her mother ,and it's not a competition who sees the baby the most ! Well I have seen the baby for 2 hours in 10 weeks ! Hardly excessive .My son isn't allowed out with his child alone ,without her ,so he is unable to come and visit .I was told as she had carried the baby for 9 months it's up to her who does what ! So my remark is just the tip of the iceberg .The wedding is this year and I really don't want to think about it as I am not really involved ,I found out the date on Facebook .!That was before this upset .I would really like someone to explain the psychology of all this as it has me beat .!Thanks for listening ...:)
1452
You are all so kind ,and it really helps for others to talk about their experiences .I can understand how my DIL  might have felt I was taking over .This wasn't my intention at all .I just wanted to help and let her know I was there for her .I suppose I was really hurt that I wasn't allowed to take a bigger part in helping with the newborn .My remark was aimed at my other siblings at letting me know what was going on in their lives ,which they took in all the humour it was meant .However as I hadn't seen my grandchild for 5 weeks she took it personally .she wouldn't accept my explanation .I have apologised to her but she is unwilling to accept the remark wasnt for her .I have asked to see my grandchild on her 1st birthday next month so will wait and see what happens .I feel this is her way of cutting me out completely ,I hope my son can persuade her I am not a nasty person .
1453
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Lost for Words
January 15, 2011, 07:06:29 AM
My future daughter in law and I got along pretty well .I welcomed her to the family and was excited when my first grandchild was expected .I went a bit mad buying baby clothes,equipment furniture.Also knitted until my hands were sore .then my beautiful grandchild arrived .I felt the barriers go up .I was aware or what not to say .Not allowed to feed or change the baby .not allowed to take the baby out .When I called ,they were just going out or not there at all.They stopped visiting me .I let all this slide being you can imagine just a bit hurt .Until I made a comment not meant for her ,but she took it personally and called me a liar when I said it wasnt for her anyway .It was unoffensive but was twisted to make it so .Emails followed and my other siblings got involved to protect me .We are now at stalemate
with neither party speaking ,my son doesnt want to take sides .My friends are horrified how this has snowballed out of control ....I am taking time out to cool off and lick my wounds .She reckons she is due an apology ...for what ?Is this normal ??