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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: amflautist on December 06, 2011, 02:06:53 AM

Title: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: amflautist on December 06, 2011, 02:06:53 AM
One of my friends wrote this yesterday - Loving your in-laws is a way to show your spouse that you love him. It can be a real challenge, but if you think of it as a gift of love to your spouse it is easier.

I have decided to apply this to my DIL - Loving my DIL will be a way to show my son that I love him. It will be a real challenge, but I am going to think of it as a gift of love to DS.

Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Sassy on December 06, 2011, 03:44:48 AM
I understand!  I love my MIL.  Love can manifest itself it many ways.  I have love for my MIL in my heart, without a doubt.  But love does not mean I will sacrifice my, or my husband's, happiness to please her.  It took me a while to learn that I can love her, without having to do that.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: jdtm on December 06, 2011, 05:55:18 AM
I won't say that I "love" our now ex-DIL, but I don't hate her either.  After all, she is the mother of our grandchildren and they do not need any more negativity or strife in their lives.  I do wish her peace and happiness in her new-found life and I thank God that she had the "presence of mind" to "leave" her children with their father (our son).  Even in pain and hurt, there can be some redemption and blessings.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Glenda on December 06, 2011, 06:26:16 AM
Hi amflautist!!  What a wonderful gift to your dil & ds, the gift of love.  :)
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Shelby on December 06, 2011, 07:17:57 AM
My hat is of to you, Amflautist. 

Quote from: amflautist on December 06, 2011, 02:06:53 AM

Loving your in-laws is a way to show your spouse that you love him.

I have decided to apply this to my DIL - Loving my DIL will be a way to show my son that I love him. It will be a real challenge, but I am going to think of it as a gift of love to DS.


Respecting and being civil and even cordial to my DIL is a way to show my son that I love him.  It IS a challenge - but it is a gift of love to DS.  I can do that - but love requires an open heart and I can't go there - at least not based on the facts to date.  I do admire you, Am for having an open heart still. 
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Pooh on December 06, 2011, 07:21:40 AM
AM is definately a jewel! 
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Doe on December 06, 2011, 07:36:50 AM
I would love to hear your progress as you put this in place.  This is quite a project!

I tried something similar for a few years till DIL made it clear that my love wasn't on her 'want/need' list.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Scoop on December 06, 2011, 07:41:19 AM
I'm with Shelby, all I can give and all I want is civility and cordiality.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: justanoldgrandma on December 06, 2011, 09:32:14 AM
A wise woman told me that she got along well w one dil but had trouble loving the other one bc of her not being a very good wife or mother (selfish); and they just didn't "click" as dil/mil.  The mil had wanted better for her ds and gc.

She told me that she decided to love her dil bc she is the mother of her gc and wife of her ds and that decision helped her in getting along w the dil (she is religious and looked to scripture for this help.)   (They hadn't had any real falling-outs; just hadn't been close or been able to talk.)  She just decided to accept her and not criticize her (in her own mind.)

(Later that dil had an affair and left her dh; the mil told me; the mil was over the upset of this by the time I saw her.)

So.... the mil hadn't gotten along w the dil, decided to, and it helped in her own mind.  (Again, there was to my knowledge no bad treatment of dil to mil so it was just that the mil didn't like or approve of the dil.)

I try to remember this woman when I feel critical of ILs, criticizing them in my own mind...... I need to accept them (if I can't love them!) bc of the relationship they have w my dh or ds.  When I do remember to do this, I find that it's easier to not feel bitter or angry.

(This is not saying a person has to love an abusive IL, just talking about one that's hard to get along with!)
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: justanoldgrandma on December 06, 2011, 09:38:06 AM
Well, I forgot my main theme; how unhappy my ds would be if his dw and dm fought, couldn't be in the same room, criticized each other to him.  (I don't think my dil does that ((talk about me much in a really critical way)) bc she has her own FOO, etc.)  So I guess I let a lot of stuff go that I wouldn't with anyone else bc of this....... ds is sensitive and it would hurt him a lot.....
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: amflautist on December 06, 2011, 10:23:07 AM
Quote from: Shelby on December 06, 2011, 07:17:57 AM
Respecting and being civil and even cordial to my DIL is a way to show my son that I love him.  It IS a challenge - but it is a gift of love to DS.  I can do that - but love requires an open heart and I can't go there - at least not based on the facts to date.  I do admire you, Am for having an open heart still.

Wait -- I didn't say my heart was there yet.  I just said I'm up for the challenge.  My initial aim is to not let her know things might be otherwise.  Nonetheless, form follows function, or something like that, so I guess it's possible my heart may eventually comply.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: amflautist on December 06, 2011, 10:26:35 AM
Quote from: Doe on December 06, 2011, 07:36:50 AM
I would love to hear your progress as you put this in place.  This is quite a project!

I tried something similar for a few years till DIL made it clear that my love wasn't on her 'want/need' list.

About a year ago, at the request of DS, I tried to make my relationship with DIL a two-way street.  Didn't work.  She never responded to any of my emails, gifts, etc.  This attempt is a 1-way street.  I don't expect anything in return.  In fact, I will probably fall over backwards if she shows any emotion at all towards DH and myself. 

Nonetheless, I am going to try sending the emotion out to her whenever she shows up on my doorstep.  It is my gift to DS.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: amflautist on December 06, 2011, 10:38:36 AM
Quote from: justanoldgrandma on December 06, 2011, 09:32:14 AM

(Later that dil had an affair and left her dh; the mil told me; the mil was over the upset of this by the time I saw her.)


Dare I hope?  ;-)

Quote from: justanoldgrandma on December 06, 2011, 09:38:06 AM
Well, I forgot my main theme; how unhappy my ds would be if his dw and dm fought, couldn't be in the same room, criticized each other to him.  (I don't think my dil does that ((talk about me much in a really critical way)) bc she has her own FOO, etc.)  So I guess I let a lot of stuff go that I wouldn't with anyone else bc of this....... ds is sensitive and it would hurt him a lot.....

It's been pretty much true that DIL and I cannot be in the same room -- but that is entirely because won't allow me in her house.  The only time DS invited DH and me to see his new house, DIL said she would go to a hotel while we were there.  I declined the invitation on that basis.  I think all that might be in the past now -- because she actually came to my house for 36 hours two weeks ago.  Whether I will receive a return invite to her house is still up in the air.

However, DS loves this woman.  So loving her will be my gift to him.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: lancaster lady on December 06, 2011, 11:00:15 AM
AM : If you ever succeed , you must write a book !

I am really trying , all I need is some kindness shown toward me to convince me to try again .
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Shelby on December 06, 2011, 11:09:41 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on December 06, 2011, 11:00:15 AM

I am really trying , all I need is some kindness shown toward me to convince me to try again .

After the treatment you've received, for you to be still trying means you are either a saint or glutton for punishment.  I hope the DIL matures and comes to appreciate you.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Pooh on December 06, 2011, 11:54:14 AM
I'll go with Saint...   ;D
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Shelby on December 06, 2011, 11:59:25 AM
Quote from: Pooh on December 06, 2011, 11:54:14 AM
I'll go with Saint...   ;D

Pooh is, of course and as always, right.  Both Am and Lancaster are saints.  Love to all 3 of you.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: luise.volta on December 06, 2011, 12:15:07 PM
I think we can love without accepting abuse. We can love in our hearts and mean it sincerely and still maintain self-respect. When we hate, it only hurts us. Carrying that around make us toxic on some level.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: lancaster lady on December 06, 2011, 02:32:52 PM
AAAAWWW ....you guys !    :-[

AM:
I know our DS love these girls , but they don't get to see what we do , they see the mental image
of  how they would like them to be , of course that will be the love potions that our DIL fed them !
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: luise.volta on December 06, 2011, 04:12:25 PM
Yup...
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Pen on December 06, 2011, 11:17:37 PM
AM, I'm with you. And you're right, it is quite a challenge. Just ask my oft-bitten tongue :)

Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: pam1 on December 07, 2011, 05:58:02 AM
I know it may not seem like it here on WWU since I vent so much about my MIL.  But I do care about her and DHs FOO.  It's very hard for me to be around them b/c I do care so much.  All I can think is that one person is breaking apart a family and if they only got her help, it's like watching someone get sicker and sicker with bystanders just walking around her or over her.

I think she'll probably always be in my thoughts and in my caring basket, she's my DHs mother.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: Chrisky on December 07, 2011, 07:49:14 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on December 06, 2011, 11:00:15 AM

I am really trying , all I need is some kindness shown toward me to convince me to try again .

I'm with you on this statement LL, I don't expect much, and certainly don't want to replace DIL's mother, just want her to show some consideration.  It's pretty try to show any affection for someone who dislikes you, especially a family member.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: amflautist on December 07, 2011, 08:09:16 AM
There is no Saint here except LL.  She has lived with her DS and DIL in her house for many months!!!  I simply can't imagine what that would be like. 

LL is our true angel and Saint.
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: lancaster lady on December 07, 2011, 09:02:21 AM
Well you know if your DS came to you with nowhere to live , what else can you do ?
They are not here now , and to begin with I missed my GD like you wouldn't believe , but as time goes on
its get easier .
They moved 5 weeks ago and I have seen my GD twice since then , so on the scale of things I suppose I'm lucky .
All I want is to be included occasionally in their plans ,and considered for visits .
Not a lot in my book , but maybe in other peoples ...... :(

Thank you AM and ladies for your love and support through all my trials , couldn't have done it without you !
Title: Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
Post by: luise.volta on December 07, 2011, 06:54:45 PM
LL- I never supported it as you know...but I supported you!  :D