I have not really given an update on my situation in a long time. My OS got married on 12/18/10, I had no communication with him 5 months prior to the wedding hoping that after the wedding things would settle down. Unfortunately, I was so wrong. On 12/22/10 my OS and DIL came into my home unannounced (he has a key) and asked to speak with me. I was hoping this was the olive branch and that we could start fresh. Instead they asked to speak with me in private away from my boyfriend and my YS was at work. They started telling me that during the wedding I did all these terrible things..which I won't get into because they were so ridiculous I was in shock when they were telling me. The only thing I will say is that when I was allowed to speak I said to my OS "why is it you believe everything 'her" family and "Mother" say and you don't believe me". He said "they have never lied to me yet". When I heard those words I felt as if the knife that was in my heart twisted and all the blood in my body poured out. I was devastated...I stood up and told them "I was done" and to get the "hell out of my house" . I know this was probably not the right way to handle it but after 5 years of walking on eggshells, begging, pleading and apolgiziing for things I didn't know I did just to keep the peace I was DONE! I had to protect myself and I shutdown for the first time in my life. I have not seen or heard from him since that day including Mother's Day which dealt me another blow. My YS does speak with my OS but he only says that "he is not giving in this time, she (I) is going to have to apologize". The funny part is that when my YS says what for, my OS does not have an answer. So after much thought and reading everyone's stories on this site, I thought I would try one last effort. BTW, they are expecting my first grandson next year. I am thinking of writing a brief one page letter stating that we need to put the past in the past and try to rebuild our relationship but we will have to not drudge up the past because it only causes pain and anger on both sides Life is too short and I would like to be a part of their life but we all need to respect one another for who we are and move forward. We are family and that I love him and my DIL and my door is always open when they would like to talk that I am here.
The undecided part is I am still very hurt and angry at his behavior and treatment of me, there is so much that I don't have the time or energy to write it all down. I allowed way too much disrepect from him over the last 5 years, I keep making excuses because I had divorced his dad and felt guilty. Which I realize I should not feel guilty since his father abused me and the boys verbally and physically, it took me awhile to leave but my OS was 12 and my YS 6 years old when I finaly kicked him out. We had such a close family the 3 of us, that I never expected this and the feeling of hurt is almost more than I can bear at times. I also know they will probably think I am only contacting them now because of the baby and to be honest it does play a part but not the main part. I have days I want to write this letter and days I don't..I still feel at times I was wronged but I know from this site that I can't hold on to that because it only causes more pain. So I need some help does this sound like a good idea or not? I really feel lost and would appreciate your thoughts...thank you.
Autumnlady, good to hear your voice again, but I'm sorry to hear that things are shaky. Regarding a letter, I'd wait - if you feel you need to write just to get it out of your system, be sure to hide or better yet destroy the evidence. When you send a letter or email your words can be twisted and used against you later. There's no way to take back anything since it's written down.
For now, take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually or any combo of those. When you feel strong and centered, perhaps a very short message that conveys your desire to move forward might do, but don't expect and immediate result. Does he have a birthday or other event coming up that would be an appropriate excuse to send a card?
I'm sure the WW here will have some better input..
Pen, thank you for your thoughts. His birthday was 8 days after Mother's Day and for the first time since he was born I did not contact him in anyway I was too hurt by him at the time.
His first wedding anniversary will be 12/18/11 so I could send him something then but my DIL is pretty bad and if she gets it first she will destroy it or show it to her Mother and he may never know I even sent something. I would rather hand it directly to him. I was going to drop it off at his work say Hi, hand it to him and leave. Again, I don't know if this is a good idea either. I know whatever I do seems to be taken wrong or misinterpreted.
I know about words being twisted unfortunately "DIL" is a pro since she was taught by the best her mother. You know the sad part is I was so looking forward to having a daughter to share women things with, but Never has she been warm or made me feel comfortable.
A - My take is that is isn't you, so you can't fix it. I would leave it as it is. Any new relationship that doesn't dredge up the past is shot down before you start because you still have the same players.
Create a new life. You were whole before you took on being his mom and you can be whole again. You did your best and your job is done. Don't let the aberrations of others define and limit you. Senind love...
Thanks Luise you are right. I need to live MY life and let him live his. It's difficult at times, but I did my best and I need to move on to the next chapter of my life. Thanks again! I am so happy that you are back. Keep improving sending hugs to you too!
I agree AL. Since you said half the time, you don't want to...then it's not time yet. I am a firm believer that if your heart is not in it 100%, then you truly are not ready to let go of the past and have no expectations. I think with the baby on the way, it may not be because of that that you are wanting to do this, but it will be perceived that way, just because of the timing.
Concentrate on yourself and your life.
Luise is right- until your DS wants a relationship with you, there is not much you can do. If you try to establish contact before he is ready, you will be right back into the pattern of walking on eggshells.
You have to show him you are strong and that you won't shrivel up and die if you don't hear from him. I have battled this for 20 years with my DD, so trust me I know!
Take care.
I'm sorry for the estrangement of your son - I pray that things will improve in time.
I would suggest a couple things - I would not write that letter. DS and DIL came to you to talk about things that upset them - I have no idea what or how they said it so here's a huge assumption - they came to talk to you. They didn't send you an email or something that says you are out of their life and they want nothing to do with you.
I would apologize. A sincere apology for anything you did over the course of their wedding that caused them stress or hurt feelings.
I also wouldn't write that letter. Because they are searching for an apology - telling them to forget all about the past is not going to happen and will probably only make them angrier - and showing up on their one year wedding anniversary to tell them this?? BAD IDEA, please do not do that.
If you feel you've been mistreated, you can ask them to sit down and talk. Offer up your apology, and also I think its fair enough for you to mention grievances of your own.
Thank you everyone! I agree that it is up to my DS to come to me when he is ready. I need to stay focused on myself and move forward. As you know some days are easier than others. It's just hard when I do hear about my grandson from my YS that it does hurt at times. I know that I apologized over the last 5 years and I am no longer going to keep apologizing for being me. He will hopefully one day figure it out or he won't. I am blessed to have another son who adores me. That does not mean we don't have differences at times but we have a much better relationship and keep the communication open.
I can't thank everyone and this site enough for all the help, love, support and guidance. I will not be writing a letter at this time, but will instead give my troubles to God and work on myself.
Sending hugs to all! :)
Difficult situation. Unfortunately none of us has a crystal ball to know what the results of our actions will be. If you do try to reach out, you need to be able to let go of the past as much as you want them to. No matter how ridiculous their complaints about you regarding their wedding or other times are, don't hold out for them to apologize or ever bring it up. Could YS hlep to build a bridge? Maybe invite you and OS/DIL over for dinner or lunch to be on neutral ground?
Good luck!
Quote from: autumnlady on October 30, 2011, 03:12:22 PM
I am thinking of writing a brief one page letter stating that we need to put the past in the past and try to rebuild our relationship but we will have to not drudge up the past because it only causes pain and anger on both sides Life is too short and I would like to be a part of their life but we all need to respect one another for who we are and move forward.
I would not do this. They don't want to just put it in the past and move forward; they will call it "sweeping it under the rug". And say you just want to pretend nothing ever happened.
The price of admission back into their lives is to do what your son said: Apologize for those things they told you that day in the house, even if you think they are rediculous. I doubt there is another way.
I also would not take a wedding anniversary gift to your son's office. It's their anniversary, and doesn't really have anything to do with you. Maybe giving Christmas or birthday or baby being born gifts but not a birthday gift. It will look like you are desperate to have any excuse to contact your son alone. It will look like a bribe. It will look sneaky like you are trying to go around DIL's back. And to give a gift for a celebration that they consider you messed up probably won't go over well.
I don't know what you can do except just move on like you say and hope in a couple years your son rethinks what happened. I'm very sorry.
QuoteThe price of admission back into their lives is to do what your son said: Apologize for those things they told you that day in the house, even if you think they are rediculous. I doubt there is another way.
Maybe, but I am wondering if the DIL wants you "out of her life" and no apology will ever be "good enough". Our son and now ex-DIL had a "talk" with us about all of our deficiencies several years ago. We were accused of things we did not say, did not do, ere - did not even think; but there was no way we were ever going to convince them of our innocence. I suspect your DIL has convinced your son to feel the same way. According to Dr. Phil - reality and "perception of a distorted reality" are one and the same to a person with a distorted mind and I suspect your DIL fits this category. If so, there is nothing you can do - one can not reason with one who cannot reason. We waited and tried to get on with our lives. Luckily, our son eventually "saw through" his wife and they were divorced a couple of years ago (she abandoned her husband and both children - which says a lot about her). Our relationship with our son is not great but is gradually improving. There is still a lot of hurt on both sides and we are hoping that time will alleviate some of that hurt and some of those memories.
As the others have said - don't write that letter (or at least do not mail it) and be careful with gifts. Trying to be kind and trying to be understood won't work with someone who is not kind/empathic and not able to "understand". Unfortunately, many of us on this site have "been there". So sorry ...
As a afterthought - yesterday my sister and I were discussing several of our older female relatives and older female friends - many of whom did not associate with the husband's side of the family. We like to think this is a new phenomenon (and it is certainly larger than generations ago), but it is not new. I guess that is why the statement is "a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life; a son is a son until he takes a wife". Maybe we need to instill "family loyalty" into our sons when they are children. Whatever ....
Okay, I think I need to clarify a couple things. The things they told me that I did at the wedding was not witnessed by my OS or DIL but was told to them by her Mother who loves to cause problems for some reason. All of the things that I was accused of doing at their wedding NEVER happened. No one else noticed anything out of the ordinary except her mother. That sounded odd to me which is why I asked my OS why he believes her mother over me. I just wanted to enjoy the day and see my son get married. In fact due to the tension I was very quite and kept out of the way on their wedding day. I was trying so hard to NOT be noticed I really did not mingle with many people. I stayed with the 10 and I mean 10 family members on our side of the family that were invited. All other guests were her family or mutual friends.
The really sad part is that I was asked to pay $4,000 towards the wedding and was only able to give them $3500.00 since I had pay cut in affect at my job during that time. I was never asked for a guest list or if I would like to invite anyone. I did ask my son if I could invite 1 person and was given permission to do so.
My OS and DIL lived in my home for 5 years and did not pay me 1 cent for anything. Nor did they help me clean or take care of the home. Then about 5 months prior to the wedding they moved out like thieves in the night because DIL did not like my YS girlfriend so she demanded to leave. My OS called me the next day and told me:"sorry Mom not your fault but it's better this way Happy wife, Happy Life". He said that over and over again it was sickening. Believe me when I tell you that I have had many conversations with my OS and DIL prior to the wedding to try and work things out. I would apologize to keep the peace even if it was not my fault. When I finally asked my OS what is it that I do wrong, his answer was "It's just the way you are". Now I have not changed but DIL has always had a problem with me since the beginning and I thought we could work it out but I was wrong. Even my YS told me NOT to apologize after how they have treated me. He loves his brother and does not want to lose him, but tolerates the DIL.
It's hard to tell all the crazy details over the last 5 years. My closest friends who have known my sons all their lives tell me that OS has been brainwashed and it's his loss because I am a good Mother.
I hope this helps shed a little more light on the situation. Didn't mean to be so long winded but as you know there is more than 1 side of the story. There is my side, their side and the truth! Thank you again for your continued support.
JDTM - I just read your post and that is EXACTLY my problem. She has poisoned my son with things I NEVER did. I have tried to talk to them but again he does not believe me. Thank you for understanding. I am going to keep praying for them both. I only want them to be happy.
AL, my problem is similar. DIL cannot list one thing I've done wrong, it's "who you are." We too spent thousands and got very limited wedding invites. Some DILs & MILs have no intention of accepting the new ILs/DIL, so bending ourselves into pretzels or continually apologizing gets us nowhere. And how can we apologize for being who we are? I used to wish I'd done something I could apologize for!
DH & I figured we had a choice - be as overbearing as DIL's FOO, or back off & let DS work it out with DIL. We chose to back off; I'm not sure that was the right decision in hindsight (DIL/her FOO use that as proof that we don't love DS enough, & swept in to fill the void), but DS did say he appreciated it.
You have to take care of your needs while respecting the needs of those you love.They may never respect your needs, but at least you know you're on the high road.
AL - Call me old fashioned - but the son and DIL lived together for 5 years before getting married? Then had a big wedding and asked you to pay $3,500 towards it? After living together 5 years, surely a simple, quiet ceremony with immediate family and a handful of friends would be most appropriate.
Did they pay rent or expenses when they lived with you? I'm betting not.
Quote from: alohomora on October 31, 2011, 09:51:55 AM
I would apologize. A sincere apology for anything you did over the course of their wedding that caused them stress or hurt feelings.
I disagree with alohomora that you should apologize. If you have no idea what you did, how can you apologize? You said you had walked on eggshells for 5 years while they lived with you. That's enough. Just leave them be - they have some growing up to do. How old are they? I'm guessing fairly young, if they lived with you and couldn't afford their own place.
Take care of yourself. Focus on your younger son. This DIL sounds like a pill. She may not last.
I agree with Shelby. No apology, just move forward.
My diagnosis of the problem: they should have been living on their own the minute they started living together. There's just something odd to me being dependent on mommy when you're having sex in the next room on sheets that she washed that morning. I think your DS and DIL are a little confused about the adult world and they just have to figure it out. But you don't have catch the fallout. Give them lots of space (read: give yourself lots of space from them)!
Quote from: Doe on October 31, 2011, 07:16:59 PM
I agree with Shelby. No apology, just move forward.
My diagnosis of the problem: they should have been living on their own the minute they started living together. There's just something odd to me being dependent on mommy when you're having sex in the next room on sheets that she washed that morning. I think your DS and DIL are a little confused about the adult world and they just have to figure it out. But you don't have catch the fallout. Give them lots of space (read: give yourself lots of space from them)!
Doe is 100% TOTALLY correct in everything she says. You deserve to be around people who will treat you well -- not around some ingrates who take advantage of you then are abusive. Take care of yourself. It's much more fun to be around people who are nice to you. :)
Quote from: Shelby on October 31, 2011, 07:23:09 PM
Quote from: Doe on October 31, 2011, 07:16:59 PM
I agree with Shelby. No apology, just move forward.
My diagnosis of the problem: they should have been living on their own the minute they started living together. There's just something odd to me being dependent on mommy when you're having sex in the next room on sheets that she washed that morning. I think your DS and DIL are a little confused about the adult world and they just have to figure it out. But you don't have catch the fallout. Give them lots of space (read: give yourself lots of space from them)!
Doe is 100% TOTALLY correct in everything she says. You deserve to be around people who will treat you well -- not around some ingrates who take advantage of you then are abusive. Take care of yourself. It's much more fun to be around people who are nice to you. :)
Thank you all so much! Pen, Doe, JDTM, Shelby and all others I am so happy right now. I have thought there was something wrong with me. I can't tell you what this means to me. This site has been my salvation....my ONLY mistake was letting her live here and NO THEY PAID NOTHING AND DID NOTHING TO HELP ME. But if her Mom and Dad needed something MY SON tripped over himself to help. It was disgusting to watch...
I have learned my lesson and already told my YS that they WILL NOT be a repeat of what I did with his brother. He understands.
They have a way of making you feel small, wrong and that you are crazy when in fact it's the other way around. I truly know now that DIL wanted him all to herself otherwise why make-up things. I am going to take your advice and move on. IT'S THEIR LOSS! Hopefully one day I will get to meet my grandson if not I will send him love.
Thank you all so much words cannot express how I am feeling right now! Love to you all!
BTW - They started dating at ages OS 23 DIL 20 - They married at OS 28 and DIL 25, now they are both a year older.....They are old enough to know better...!
Dear AL
I agree that you should not apologize. See AL when we apologize....we do it from our heart. Because we really know we did wrong and the person receiving the apology was the victim. But as you said, you still feel angry and/or offended. It means that they were not fair to you. Why apologize? for things you did not do or said? They might think you need to apologize because you asked them to leave but again, you were frustrated with accusations and they did not hear your truth. They did not give you the benefit of a doubt.
If I were to write a note or letter to my son, I would only accept the responsibility of asking them to leave, not apologizing for anything else. Why should I accept what is far beyond the truth. I do feel that if you talk with your son...you cannot just swipe everything that happened under the rug. The most important thing here for me is that you are not ready to begin a relationship with son and dil. Give yourself time. You will know in your heart when the time is right.
Wondering if just sending good wishes for the baby would be okey.
As much as we love our AC, we should love ourselves too. We deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You will be fine, and I am sure your son will understand when he becomes a father, what is a parent's love.
Good Luck
Love
Autumn, you and I have almost identical situations. Here's something I have learned through all of my issues. My DILs Mother is also an instigator and is not interested in finding out the truth, but telling her perception of everything. DIL is going to believe her Mother. DIL is going to report their truth to DS without coming to me and asking anything. DS is going to believe his Wife, because she's his Wife and although there may be a little voice in the back of his head that reminds him that none of it sounds like something I would do, he has to live with her, her Mother is very much in DILs life, so he spends tons of time with both of them, and wants to keep the peace. So it's easier for him to go "My Mom shouldn't have done all that" and agree with them so his life is more peaceful. Yes, "Happy Wife, Happy Life". Plus, his MIL is overbearing so you can add, "Happy MIL, Happy Wife, Happy Life."
Here's some of what happened at my OS/DIL wedding along with DILs and her Mother's stories of what happened.
DIL/M = We refused to socialize with any of their family and friends at the rehearsal dinner and wouldn't even come in and eat with anyone.
Truth = DIL requested a cookout and me and DH spend hours grilling, keeping everything replenished and never sat down to eat ourselves until everyone was leaving.
DIL/M = I came into the room where she was getting dressed with an attitude and set a plate of food down and left without saying a word.
Truth = That part is true..Lol. But what happened prior to that is her MOH came out, got in my Mother's face and demanded my Mother get up and fix DIL something to eat now! My Mother had opened her home for this wedding, got booted out of her own rooms and had no where to get dressed because her family came in and took over the entire house. That was Ok, and my Mother was understanding, but no one gets in my Mother's face and yells at her with me around. I was furious, but didn't say anything, just kind of stood up and got between them, glaring at the MOH and telling her that I would take care of it. I'm positive my face showed how furious I still was when I brought the food in. The right thing to do? Ask me what's wrong and then jump your MOH for being disrespectful to your FGM.
DIL/M = Told everyone that we showed once again that we wanted nothing to do with her or her family, because we went in the house and ate during the reception instead of in the tent with everyone else.
Truth = It was 40 degrees, they had a tent in which my SF went and got heaters because it wasn't supposed to be that cold. When my Mother, DH, SD, best friend, YS and I got into the reception, there was no where for us to sit. The tables were full and standing in the cold doorway trying to eat was out of the question. So we got our plates, went into my Mom's house and sat and ate. After we finished, we went straight back out into the tent to see the cake cutting, etc. and stayed there the rest of the time, standing for about an hour until people started leaving, then we sat down.
I could go on and on about that day and perceptions. Did everything we did lead DIL/M to those conclusions? Yes. We were trying to stay out of the way, not cause any issues and let DIL/OS have their day, so we were not saying anything. Could they have asked us about it later to see what was happening? Yes. But they have to have a desire to do that and a willingness to communicate and want a relationship. DIL and her Mother have never liked me. So it is easier for them to take their truth and run with it? Absolutely. It holds up to the fact that they were right about us the entire time.
I'm saying all that Autumn to say that things you did could have looked totally different to DIL. And like me, she has a Mother that added fuel to the fire. You could apologize until you were blue in the face, but they have their truths and then it turns into "See, she will not even admit what she did and is making excuses. See what I have been telling you about her?" It's not about you, it's about them. Look at the source. My DIL and her MIL are gossipers. They talk about everyone. They both believe everyone should do what they say, no questions asked. They both want their way, no compromising. Look at them as individuals, not as your DIL and her Mother. Are they like this with everyone? If you can answer "Yes, they are", then you have your answer.
Oh, Pooh - your story brought memories of DS's wedding. Totally different, but still uncomfortable.
I'm here to tell you moms who aren't invited to your DS's/DD's weddings - be careful what you ask for! Sometimes these wedding experiences aren't that great. If it's bad before the wedding, it's unlikely that the wedding is going to be a wonderful experience.
I know what you mean Doe, but I am still glad that I got to see OS get married. No matter what I thought about it, it was a special day to him. I will not even pretend to know what it must feel like to not be invited at all. That has to be devastating.
I should have added too that I was not a happy camper that day. I was being gracious and not saying anything (and there was about 10 more things that happened). I was remaining silent, but inside I was fuming over the mistreatment of my Mother and our family. I have no poker face. I am sure that although I was trying to be gracious, my face and body posture told how I really felt during certain times. I did laugh and have fun with my friends and family, but I am honest enough to admit that I'm sure there were times I looked sour.
Dear, dear Pooh -- the bride's maid of honor demanded that your mother - the groom's grandmother - get the bride something to eat? If I do the math, the bride may have been in her 20's, your mother in her sixties or perhaps older - nearly a half-century age difference? And the 20-something snippet (I know snippet is name-calling, but I can't resist) demands that the 60 to 70ish grandmother serve the bride? Why didn't you tell that snippy little MOH to get a plate for the bride? Good thing I didn't deliver the plate to the bride. I have a tendency to drop things and it would have been a shame to spill barbeque sauce all over her lovely white gown. ;)
Nana - I completely agree with you. Yes I did ask them to leave and I can apologize for that act. That was the first time I stood up to them both. I always say I'm sorry even when I don't know what I'm sorry about.
Pooh - We do have very similar stories. DIL has always gossiped about her family to me but I never said anything because I really don't know them. DIL and MOB gossip to anyone that will listen. DIL had 2 bridesmaids that I never met but DIL told me that they were worried about what I was going to do at the wedding shower. Now why would they be worried, I never met them. Oh yes, DIL has filled them in on all the GOSSIP! But OS is blind to this and it is surprising to me because OS is far from dumb, but he is now choosing to ignore the obvious to keep the peace.
On the day of their wedding It was pouring rain. 12/18/10. I was the last of the wedding party to arrive at the venue because I was uninvited to the hair/make-up session via email my DIL said there was not enough time for me. I was not upset but again kept outside of any fun that I might enjoy. As I got out of the vehicle assisted by my YS and boyfriend, I had a long dress so as not to get it soaked I needed help. I walked into the room and no one was around except MOB, so I asked "Where is everybody?" DIL Mom told DIL that as soon as I got to the venue I screamed at her "Where is everybody?" Now why would I scream, she was standing right in front of me??? Again, it was told to DIL and OS so I am a terrible person. I found myself always defending what I had said. Some of the time it was part truth and alot of the time I couldn't remember ever saying what they accused me of saying.
I think the funniest part was at the last dress fitting, the woman that owned the shop told me that "I am not the crazy one, they are". I asked what she meant, she told me, DIL and her mother said I was a bossy, mean and I wanted everything my way and I wanted to control the wedding. The woman begged me not to tell them because she said the MOB was "crazy", her words not mine.. Anyways, my BF was with me and I just looked at him. BF had told me years ago when he first met DIL's mother to be careful and not trust her, well I did not listen. He read her right, she is a trouble maker. DIL Mother has nothing to do with her husbands family since they were married because they were mean to her. I think it's the other way around...LOL
Doe - You are very wise and I kept my mouth shut so I could attend the wedding but I don't know if it was worth it. I have never seen or was given 1 engagement picture or 1 wedding picture. I was not included in anything, I wanted to give her a wedding shower and was told no. I don't even care anymore (sadly that statement is true). I also know that I will miss seeing my grandson, I really have no feelings at this time. I know that she will use the baby as leverage and I don't want that for the child or for me. She already told my YS "doesn't she know what she will be missing?" I would rather not see the baby then to get to know the little one and have it taken away. DIL thrives on control and hopefully she will grow up one day, but I know my OS is scared to upset her, because she will leave him. Again his words to his brother in confidence 2 weeks before the wedding.
I am a very family oriented Italian mother who loves her boys and is loud, silly, passionate, opinonated and enjoys cooking and entertaining for her family and friends. This was interpreted by my DIL and her mother as I want it all about me and I want to control everything. DIL complained to my OS about this behavior and instead of him saying this is OUR family traditions, he agreed that I had a problem to keep the peace. I feel sorry for him now, because he had sold his soul and my YS said OS is not happy he feels abandoned but he is the one that pushed us away.
I do have my faults but never have I intentially gone out of my way to be hurtful or cruel, unfortunately, I CANNOT say the same about DIL, OS AND HER FAMILY!
Thanks again for listening. Sending hugs to all! :)
Oh yes, that sounds familiar too. I didn't go to any dress fittings, and honestly...I didn't want to. I guess I'm weird, but I'm not under the opinion that an MIL should attend those. If there is a good relationship, and they are wanted, then fine. I just didn't expect it. But what myself and my Mom were wearing? I asked DIL for 3 months what type of dress she wanted me and GM to wear, and what colors. She always answered, "I don't know". I asked what her Mother was wearing so we could kind of match, but not be in the same color, because I thought her Mother should have first choice on color and style, and I would follow suit. The answer was always, "She hasn't got a dress yet." So 2 weeks before the wedding I asked again and got "She doesn't know" so I told her we needed to find something as we were running out of time. Her answer was, "Get whatever you want." So we did. 5 days before the wedding, she shoots me a text and says she has decided that me and my Mother should wear light blue. I sent back that it was too late. We had both purchased dresses. Mine was navy and Mom's was green and we had got them on sale and they were non-returnable. She never answered but told everyone that me and my Mom wouldn't even get dresses in the color she wanted. *Sigh*
By the way, her Mother wore zebra stripes so it's probably good that I didn't end up having to match!
Pooh - you are right about perceptions. Your DS and DIL should have been everlastingly grateful to you for the wonderful spread you put on - and acting as chief cook and bottle-washer. How insensitive to complain that you snubbed them when you were up to your ears in catering chores!!
At our son's wedding, no one told us to come an hour and a half before the wedding for pictures. I thought pictures were taken after the wedding, not before (I have since found out differently). Anyway, no one told us to be there 90 minutes ahead for pictures. DH and I were on our way 45 minutes ahead, to arrive 35 minutes ahead (plenty of time) when another son called "Mom, where are you?" I told him what intersection we were passing, and he said pictures were nearly over, and we should have been there 45 minutes earlier. I said, gosh, nobody told us.
we arrived, pictures were completely over. No biggie. The brides parents (lovely people -- DIL is cold and aloof, but her parents are delightful ) arranged for our side of family to get a few shots after the ceremony. It all worked out fine. Actually better. My parents - frail and in their 80's - got in a few pictures. Had ALL pics been before the wedding, it would have been too exhausting for my parents. By squeezing in a few pics of just our family, I got what I wanted without my parents having to be completely exhausted. I knew nobody excluded us on purpose. Mother of bride knew we were not snubbing them Mother of Bride had plenty of other things to worry about. Perhaps she and bride had counted on groom informing us about picture time Perhaps they realized he was not as reliable as they might have hoped. (That will teach them ;) )
Anyway, by giving each other the benefit of any doubt, it all worked out fine. I think that's what regular people do. Sorry AutumnLady and Pooh that you do not have in-laws like that. I have an aloof DIL - but her parents are great.
Quote from: Shelby on November 01, 2011, 08:37:11 AM
Dear, dear Pooh -- the bride's maid of honor demanded that your mother - the groom's grandmother - get the bride something to eat? If I do the math, the bride may have been in her 20's, your mother in her sixties or perhaps older - nearly a half-century age difference? And the 20-something snippet (I know snippet is name-calling, but I can't resist) demands that the 60 to 70ish grandmother serve the bride? Why didn't you tell that snippy little MOH to get a plate for the bride? Good thing I didn't deliver the plate to the bride. I have a tendency to drop things and it would have been a shame to spill barbeque sauce all over her lovely white gown. ;)
Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind, but I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt that DIL didn't know what was going on. This was the first time that we had met the MOH, it was a co-worker of DIL's that she had known for a few months. My DIL was 21 and my Mom was 70. I'm guessing MOH was around 20ish.
Pooh - I had my own dress fitting never did I attend or want to attend it with DIL or MOB. I waited until MOB got her dress and asked the same thing what color would you like me to wear. I was told by DIL "I don't care what you wear". So I was told by the dress shop owner that the MOB was wearing a red dress and I should wear black, since it was a formal evening wedding at Christmas time. I again called my DIL to make sure she was okay with this color choice and again was told she did not care. Of course after the wedding it was mentioned to my YS that I wore black as a sign...and YS was also told that I had purchased 2 dresses but returned the first one when the MOB got upset. It's amazing to me why they feel they have to make up stuff. Why on earth would I order 2 dresses. I am 5'10" tall so I had to order my dress with additional length, I can't purchase a long gown off the rack since I am too tall. I wish I could I spent over $500 dollars after, length, alterations, shoes and accessories.
Pooh your family was very mistreated and if my mom and dad were still alive I would have been furious if they were every mistreated. You were very gracious in all that you did for them. It's the same in my story the more I did the more they complained, it's amazing how they look at things.
Pooh you have a DIL like I do see what JDTM said to me: According to Dr. Phil - reality and "perception of a distorted reality" are one and the same to a person with a distorted mind and I suspect your DIL fits this category. If so, there is nothing you can do - one can not reason with one who cannot reason
I told you are stories were very similar. Oh I fretted about this relationship for years, but no more. It is what it is. Once you realize you aren't responsible for their behavior now, it sinks in that you did your best.
Shelby, I wish I had inlaws that I got along with. It would make it so much nicer because I would invite them for Thanksgiving too! ;D
How DARE that little brat of a MOH treat your mother that way. Let me at her. Perhaps Autumn Lady will give me a vat of her delicious marinara that I might unfortunately spill.
Ha ha ha...
Pooh, I just...well, have no words. I know they were young when they married but still....geez.
This is not an excuse on my part, but I was so stressed that day already, it's amazing I did manage to not scream at someone. This is the first time I was seeing my Ex since the day he walked out, 9 months prior (he never even showed up in court for the divorce) with his young girlfriend. My bio dad was coming, because he had been in my Son's lives since they were 3 & 4 (different story there) and OS wanted him there, but my DB had not seen nor spoken to him since he was 12. 30ish years? I had to make bio Dad promise to not go anywhere near my brother. My Mom and bio Dad had not been in close proximity in 30ish years....and I had promised OS I would make sure everyone got along. Which they did and everyone behaved.
Five minutes before the wedding, these two women that were coordinating the seating arrangements (DIL decided none of the parents or grandparents would be walked in) were coming up to me, obviously nervous and asking, "We need help. We don't know what to do with everyone on your side? DIL's Mother said to ask you? We have the front 2 rows for you." I couldn't help but laugh...those poor women. I told them to put me, my DH now, GF and then Ex on the front row, as we were both his parents. Put the three sets of GP's behind us, my Mom and SD, then my Ex ILs, then my Bio dad and SM and everything would be fine. They looked so relieved I felt sorry for them. At the same time, I was aggravated that DIL or her Mother had not already discussed this with me or had OS ask prior to 5 minutes before the wedding. We were all standing around not knowing where to sit or what they wanted.
We put the "fun" in dysfunctional. ;D
Pooh - I would have totally lost it if I had been you. You are a saint.
I remember Val's grandson's wedding. (His family didn't like him remarrying.) The wedding planner came up and asked me who I was. I said..."The grandmother." She looked at her chart...and said, "I have already seated her." (She was the brides' mom.) Then she squinted at her nasty little chart and said, "Oh, here you are...you're the woman with the grandfather...but that's OK...you can sit down in front with him, anyway!"
The wedding after that...(another grandson)...there was a whole big speech during the service about how the bride's granparents had passed on and how they were missed, etc...and no one acknowledged that Val was even there.
I'm still all for beach weddings in Hawaii...pictures...and a receptions, later.
Shelby - I would be happy to give you some marinara to accidently spill.....LOL ;D
Thanks Pooh - I have done my best and I am going to move on. Remember YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID! :)
Luise as usual you are right, Hawaii weddings are the best way to go!
Thanks everyone for your continued support!
Shelby I agreee with Pooh if the Inlaws were great I would definantly invite them for Thanksgiving! :)
Sorry Autumnlady, I know I was long-winded with all of that, just wanted you to know that you were not alone and life goes on. And it goes along nicely, if you choose to. My children are and always will be apart of me but they don't define me. My GM passed away when I was 16. She was the light of my life. I will always cherish those memories of her. Just because I can't see her, talk to her or visit her, doesn't mean I love her any less or remember her any less fondly. Just means it's not our time to meet up again yet.
Pooh that is fine...even though we move on it's still hurtful when you think of how you were treated. I completely understand. I never met my grandparents since I was born after they died. My mom and dad were 48 when I was born and I am an only child. No brothers or sisters and my family even though large is all back east. No one is here in California except me and my sons. So holiday time has left a big void with this estrangement but I have invited a couple friends this year and my YS will also be with me, so I am thankful for quality people in my life and NOT quantity.
I wish you and yours the best this holiday season and always. I am thankful that you were able to get to know your GM, that is something I have missed but I know they would have been awesome!
Well sure. It will always be hurtful, confusing, unfair, unneccessary, etc. We wouldn't be human or caring people if it wasn't painful. You will have a great holiday with your friends and YS!
Next year Autumn Lady brings her wonderful marinara to Amflautist's Halloween party.
and Pooh, I am so glad you did not invite me to your son's wedding. I would NOT have been able to control myself, and you all might have to visit me in prison in Leavenworth - and then I'd miss the next Halloween party and Autumn's marinara - which has got to be the real thing.
Cheers, everyone. My DIL may not like me, but her family is just fine. I guess I'm pretty lucky in comparison.
I agree. AL brings authentic marinara to AM's! Yum.
I wish I would have brought you Shelby, it would have been entertaining! My only fear about that was it was a fall wedding with autumn decorations, so there was about 100 pumpkins sitting around. Instant ammo for you!
Not that I thought about that or anything.... ;D
My DIL and I had tears in our eyes when we had to say goodbye yesterday. They flew back to their home in Hawaii after being over here (WA) for four months. We are really good friends. And when I hugged Kirk, I thought how lucky I am. They are really wonderful. Sandy's mom is gone but I have met her sister and brother we have adopted each other. WWU keeps me from ever taking them for granted!:-)))
Pooh -- I wish I had been the wedding planner after all. I would actually have behaved and left all the fire arms at home, but I would have grounded the maid of honor and put her in time out, so she would have missed the ceremony while she was writing "I will respect my elders" 100 times. So the ceremony might not have been what the bride expected. Hey, maybe she should be in time-out, too! ;)
Quote from: luise.volta on November 01, 2011, 01:47:51 PM
My DIL and I had tears in our eyes when we had to say goodbye yesterday. They flew back to their home in Hawaii after being over here (WA) for four months. We are really good friends. And when I hugged Kirk, I thought how lucky I am. They are really wonderful. Sandy's mom is gone but I have met her sister and brother we have adopted each other. WWU keeps me from ever taking them for granted!:-)))
I think WWU keeps me from taking for granted all the people in my life that want to be in my life. I know you'll miss them but Kirk will be back before you know it!
March - Kirk always comes back over for the month of March celebrate my birthday and have his winter retreat. Lets see, that's 1,278,933 month from now, right?
Pooh and Shelby you two keep me laughing...Definiately will bring the authentic Marinara. I just made some last week for my friend's son who shipped off to Army Basic in Oklahoma. I love celebrating life with special people.
I can't thank everyone enough I truly have found an inner peace at this time. I know that I will still have my days but it's great to know I have friends just a keyboard away!
Luise - You are 1 in a Million and I know that I speak for all of us on this site when I say Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for you and for developing this site. Without it hundreds of women would be lost. :)
AL - You are so welcome. It's hard to see WWU as a public service when it offers so much to me, as well. At age 84...I have friends all over the world and the most incredible support system ever. This site and my counseling Website, www.MomResponds.com, (now over 6 years old,) keep my life interesting, my mind active and my heart expanding. And then there's my Spirit...it simply soars. :-)))
We have three incredible Moderators on WWU that make it work. After two years, it grew to the point where I wasn't able to stay on top of it. The only way having Moderators on a site can work is when the women who give so freely of their time and abilities are a full reflection of our Forum Agreement; role models, all. I think it's incredible that Pooh, Pen and Pam had taken that on. They all have families and busy lives. I, of course, am retired...unfortunately, the last part of the word is "tired." LOL!
So, thanks for the Kudo! I will copy and paste it to my son, Kirk, our tireless and "free" Webmaster. :-)
How come I am just reading this thread ! Yes .. yes . And Yes. . ! Sounds like all sons weddings are the same ! We were invited to make up the numbers ... LOL. Well that's how it felt !
I don't know LL. How come you are just reading this thread? ;D
Yes LL - I was wondering where you were! LOL I always have heard that women make men do strange things but our Sons have taken it to a whole new level!
You know that at the moment I have no privacy or quiet times , well hardly any , so I'm missing out on a lot of WWU .
However the packing cases are out and we are now counting down the days .
I really need some peace , well my health does as I am fighting yet another throat infection !
My heart will miss my darling GD who has just learned to say my name ....sigh !
From here on , it's up to them . I fear for my DS's health and well being , however he's a big boy and
hopefully he will be jolted into something other than being the doting puppy !
We are still getting wedding photos .......I am in about three ! Out of 4000 shots ! Perhaps I was
invisible on the day . The less said about the whole thing the better ! Lets you know my standing in the
whole affair though doesn't it ?
Hope to see more of you in the coming weeks ....you know I love you all dearly ..... :-*
I'm counting down with you! You deserve some peace!
Hang in there, LL. We are your cyber-family and your Soul-photo is imprinted in each and every heart.
Aww thank you sooo much Luise , I am so glad to have you back watching over us .... :-*
LL, I suppose no matter how far we think we've progressed there will come reminders of hurts & slights; zings from out of the blue? Here's hoping we become more and more able to deflect them as time goes on. Don your WWU armour, lol!
You've been generous with your time, home and resources...it's time for you to take care of your needs now :)
Thanks Pen .......Although I hope over the coming weeks I might be missed even a teeny tiny bit ! ........breaking news , my DS announced they would replace my microwave that had died .........some people cant say thankyou , never mind sorry . I will take the gift in the way it was intended...as a thankyou ?? Meeeoowww .....lol
Last post not meant to sound as nasty as it came out...... must be the meds. I love them really . ;D
That was very nice of them. Meeeeoooowwww!
Catty ?? Me ?? Never ....lol
Ha ha ha....me neither