I received an email stating that my son and g/f are getting married. In this email, they attacked me and told me that they did not feel like I really apologized and that I needed help. They think I need to be on medication. They still don't trust me with the baby and think that I would be unhealthy for the baby. I told my son I had gone to a counselor so he thinks I went for myself. Which I did for help dealing with my situation with them. He made fun of me for trying to go to church and for going to a christian counselor. He said someone saw me out and I was incoherent. He also blames me for my Mom not really talking to them. He still says everything is my fault.
He only wants me, his Dad and my mother at his wedding. Not my husband or his sister which is crazy.
I don't really want to go to the wedding for one. It will be so uncomfortable and there are so many things I want to say to him. He keeps telling me to put myself in her shoes. Well I have put myself in her shoes and things have been said to me all my life, but I forgive people.
I am very angry now and want to write a letter to him and the pain he has caused my mother and me. I also want to remind him that he was also in a financial bind from 21-25 and we always helped him and he would promise to pay us back. Now he doesn't need the money so he thinks he is royalty. He still lives in a rented crackerjack house with 2 cats, 2 dogs, the g/f and baby and he really thinks he is all that.
He talked to me like I was a dog through text messaging and cussed like a sailor. I started to block his phone number on my phone and his email from mine.
He brought up things I did wrong in the past which is the past. He has never been a good son or grandson to me or my mother. He lived with her for a while and never paid her a dime, never washed his own clothes, or bought his own food or even took the trash out when she would ask him.
I know what you are going to say - WHY DID WE LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT???? Yes that was soooooooo wrong of us. He is a spoiled brat. Matter of fact now I am thinking it is him and not so much her that is the real problem.
Sorry I am so angry and upset.
Saddat, anyone who is so cruel and heartless to make fun of you b/c you went to counseling, or to church, is embelleshing the stories to make it look like it's all your fault. I am so so so sorry your going thru this...that your son is treating you like this.
Whatever you do, please don't believe in what he says....I know the pain your suffering is probably horriblely debilitating.....however, stay strong and stay with that counselor...please write down the things that your son says and does and take it to the counselor....
Sadat....be strong, and don't listen to what they say...your right to feel as you do, and have a right to be angry...your son is wrong in doing these things, saying these things...and he should be the one as well as his wife, going to counseling with you. Someone who really cares about making a relationship work, and trying hard, will go to counseling with you...
Some day, your son is going to be a very lonely man...
Please stay strong and if you need to, come in here to vent....we're all here for you...
Hugs and love
Creme
Thank you Creme. I will admit I have not always done the right things in my life, but I know that I did not do anything that bad to them except break some rules and say something to one of her friends that was just out of the way at the time. I apologized to her mother and her friend.
If they don't trust me, then why does he want me at the wedding? I really don't think I could get enough counseling help or anything else to get myself prepared for that wedding.
I did use to drink alot and he is bringing that up too. I never did drink in any of the situations that we have had problems with but it seems like when someone is mad at you, they do bring up your past and try to relate it to the current situation to win their side of the argument. I also did drink too much wine one night after all this has happened but I was at my own home and not around them nor did I contact them. This was a self pity night on my own which I regret doing because I am stronger than that. I hate it that I let myself revert to that.
Boy I am confessing everything. I don't even like wine YUCK.
Honey, stay away from anything which could give them any ammunition against you...don't drink, it never makes you feel better anyway, you end up feeling worse....cry if you must, but don't drink...be adult and see they're words for what they are, words, grasping at stralls to make you look like the bad person...what, didn't they ever say anything bad about anyone? Didn't they ever make mistakes?
and as far as the wedding, you do, what makes you the most comfortable...if you want to go, go, if you don't you don't have to, but remember, no matter what you do, they will find fault...but if you don't go, it will be something that will be talked about for years to come....can't you hear them, "Why his own mother wouldn't come to the wedding". It will make you look worse then you are....I'm not trying to be mean, only trying to point out the consequences of your decission, what ever you decide, make certain you can live with the consequenses....ok...make certain you can do that....and let that guide you through this....always, don't do anything or say anything without first thinking of the consequnces of your actions....and never do anything out of hate or vengence....ever....be a lady always and then, in your own heart you will know that you've tried....yanno, when we do bad things to people, in hate, in vengence, it really ends up huring us more...in many different ways....
hugs and love
Creme
Oh I know I can't drink. I just confessed because I hate myself for doing it.
You are right about alot of things, but I am not so sure I want to go through the wedding thing. I have struggled about that on my own and really think I need to move on before I get so weak and do something I regret.
I am a very stressed person but I am not mean to people on purpose. I am trying to get what I need.
Everbody makes mistakes and yes I did drink too much wine but I posted that previously. I turned down anything that relates to alcohol now.
Quote from: sadat46 on February 05, 2010, 07:27:24 AM
Oh I know I can't drink. I just confessed because I hate myself for doing it.
You are right about alot of things, but I am not so sure I want to go through the wedding thing. I have struggled about that on my own and really think I need to move on before I get so weak and do something I regret.
I am a very stressed person but I am not mean to people on purpose. I am trying to get what I need.
Everbody makes mistakes and yes I did drink too much wine but I posted that previously. I turned down anything that relates to alcohol now.
Oh Sad, what a mess. I'm not making excuses for your son, but I have to tell you that even though you are not drinking anymore, it takes people around you time to trust again, sometimes alot of time. That's where I most definately agree with Creme. Because of this history (you both share), they should be going to counselling with you. You all may carry scars that need to be addressed to understand and trust eachother again.
It sound to me like you are doing all you can, and you are doing that alone - which says alot about what strength you have. I hope you give yourself a well earned hug!
As for the wedding. If it were me I would go, but bring a friend (or your family members) with you for support. This is an important day and you should be there to smile and share it. If you think I don't understand how hard that is, read my very first post in the "Open me first" folder. It's called "my children hate me." I do know how hard it will be to smile and show my happiness for this special day. It wasn't my day after all, but my daughter's day and that story doesn't cover it all. There was too much to put in one post.
You keep your chin up, and make sure you don't drink there. Do something else special for you - starbucks is nice if you like coffee. You will need a reward when you get home. Maybe just asking someone to stay that night and talk with you would do it. Let us know how you are.
We're not going anywhere!
QuoteI am a very stressed person but I am not mean to people on purpose. I am trying to get what I need.
Sad
I am a DIL here. I just want to let you know these words made me cry! Thank you. Thank you for giving a bit more understanding to me. I love my MIL!!! And the tragedy is my DH and I can't be around the way she treats me and talks about me to others. I do try to be in other's shoes when I interact with them, her especially. Many times I don't or can't understand why she acts the way she does because I actually don't feel in my heart that she hates me, though the way that she acts and talks would make one think that. I can't write her off or block her out because I have affection for her and I know she did have true affection for me, and deep inside I feel she still does, and I think that comes as a woman even before that she is my husband's mother.
When I read these words, it struck home.
All my DH asks of my MIL is she not say bad and untrue things about me to the family, and not to him. I swear it's like she can't help herself. I don't know if I am making excuses for her. DH asked her to go to counseling. First she said yes. Then the day comes, and she said she did not want to go to our minister, because he had already heard my side and would be biased against her. DH looked for and found another kind of counselor. When he tried to work out a time for the appointment, she told him if he'd spend the money he was willing to on counseling, on helping to pay down her balances, that she wouldn't see me as a gold-digger anymore and they wouldn't need counseling anyway. He said she made a joke of it, but she was serious. He hung up. It's more hurtful to him, than it is to me. I hate to see DH hurt, more than anything. With the counseling off the table at least for a while, we don't know what to do next.
Sad, our stories aren't even similar, I realize that. Still your words give me an understanding of when what she does doesn't match up with what I feel her heart is truly feeling. (It could just be wishful thinking on my part, maybe her actions do match her heart.) You have given me hope today. Thank you for your honesty. I wish you and your DS and GF the ability to work through this!
thank you but I did not drink during any of those situations.
My son drinks everyday. I have found this out.
He is just trying to bring my past up and use it against me because they were wrong in this situation.
I should have never said what I did in my past here.
Sad, please don't feel that way. You feelings are very understood here, more than you know. I didn't mean for my own post to be taken that way and am really not good with words. You've been hurt enough and you are doing all this alone.
What I was trying to point out to you was that you are going to be stronger each day that you show that strength. That you need support not only for you, but for that relationship with your son and FDIL! They may not take you seriously until they realize you have really turned around. You deserve this relationship. If your son is drinking like you say, then he needs to see what he's doing as well (he may need more help than you know!).
I really do wish you the best even though my words may not say that! You have found a site that supports your efforts. Come back and post often. We have alot to offer you and you have so much to offer in return!
P.S.- None of us has been perfect parents or even human beings, least of all me! We are making an effort! That's what is important, and you can't let someone else make you feel bad about yourself. Be proud! Look how far you've come!
It is okay Coco.
I guess when it gets brought up, I just get on my defense. I struggle and that is why I have to have God in my life. If I obey he blesses and that is truly how I feel. That does not mean I am not tempted.
I just know her Mom drinks and she has been allowed to be around the baby and even has kept the baby. I know my daughter would probably let me too. But I hope that is a long time off.
I have committed to stop altogether.
The thing that floors me is that he used past circumstances that did not involve the current circumstances and that is why it is hard to deal with.
Quote from: sadat46 on February 05, 2010, 09:05:43 AM
It is okay Coco.
I guess when it gets brought up, I just get on my defense. I struggle and that is why I have to have God in my life. If I obey he blesses and that is truly how I feel. That does not mean I am not tempted.
I just know her Mom drinks and she has been allowed to be around the baby and even has kept the baby. I know my daughter would probably let me too. But I hope that is a long time off.
I have committed to stop altogether.
The thing that floors me is that he used past circumstances that did not involve the current circumstances and that is why it is hard to deal with.
I truly understand Sad! I went in and added a P.S. to my previous post. Nobody here is judging you, but we are all here for the same reason - that being support. I think it was Sassy yesterday who put is so nicely... We are on the "give a penny, take a penny" program! LOL! We all come from different places and perspectives and are trying to see where we can support eachother here. You leave an opinion on someone's post (hoping it helps them), and take someone else's opinion on your own!
AND we all have mountains we are trying to climb! How bout we go with you and hold you up for awhile!
What I'm saying here, is don't give up on us. You've found a wonderful group a women here with very large hearts. I believe you may have stumbled in because you saw hope.
I see hope in you also! Do you see that?
Welcome, Sadat. I have recently come to this site also. I hear ya, about the past being dragged up to justify current attacks and manipulation. Two wrongs, don't make it right.
There is a lot of blaming in these situations. I basically just took the verbal abuse from DIL and her fam for a long time. But, recently, I am feeling the wrath of missing her b'day. Her fam, fully intends to amp up and punish including getting my Dear GC involved. That is when I knew I HAVE to say something to son.
It all gets so dirty. I could try to be a saint and still be dirt. But, my son and I got along until I sensed some anger that I never heard from him. I thought that he is only getting info from her. Then I realized, I have to give my side. It all fell apart, when my GC was being used as a pawn.
So, whatever they accuse of, even if you stopped for years, in my case, it will be something else. You got me thinking, I wonder if the MILs here had problems from the beginning with DILs?
Things need to heal. But, all the facts must be known.
Quote from: renny97 on February 05, 2010, 11:56:09 AM
Welcome, Sadat. I have recently come to this site also. I hear ya, about the past being dragged up to justify current attacks and manipulation. Two wrongs, don't make it right.
There is a lot of blaming in these situations. I basically just took the verbal abuse from DIL and her fam for a long time. But, recently, I am feeling the wrath of missing her b'day. Her fam, fully intends to amp up and punish including getting my Dear GC involved. That is when I knew I HAVE to say something to son.
It all gets so dirty. I could try to be a saint and still be dirt. But, my son and I got along until I sensed some anger that I never heard from him. I thought that he is only getting info from her. Then I realized, I have to give my side. It all fell apart, when my GC was being used as a pawn.
So, whatever they accuse of, even if you stopped for years, in my case, it will be something else. You got me thinking, I wonder if the MILs here had problems from the beginning with DILs?
Things need to heal. But, all the facts must be known.
Thanks Renny! I didn't have problems with my DIL at first. My daughter's told me my son was a "mommy's boy." ?? Sometimes I look back on that and think she must have been getting to me to get to him, if there's any truth in that.
Thanks everyone. I guess I just have a very low self esteem right now and I am embarrassed that I know my son told her things. He also told me things about her past but I would never bring them up.
I guess she just thinks she is perfect. She doesn't know me at all so of course she may think I would get the baby and go off and drink or something and then neglect her. But I would never never never do something like that even if I was still drinking.
I will be okay. I just have to suck this up and keep on living. Try to be as good as I can be. They love me at work and I have a family that loves me.
And you have us too. You hang in Sad. Let us know what you decide (about the wedding). Nobody here will be upset with you one way or another. We try to be good sounding boards. I hope we can live up to that for you too! :'(
Thank you Coco. You all are the BEST!!!!!
I will do everything I can to be there for any of you. I just don't feel like I can offer advice to anyone until I am stronger, but I do support all of you. It is so hard to pull together.
Hey there Sad! We are in this with you! I'm not the best advice giver either and have too many problems of my own to be advising. If that were a prerequisite, none of us would be talking! ;D ;D ;D
But isn't it nice to have friends?
Sadat, you're in the right place. It seems that we're all so different and yet share similar experiences. The ways we've chosen to deal with them are as varied as we are. There are so many variables, it's hard if not impossible to have a "one size fits all" magic wand that works for everyone's problems. The main thing here seems to me to be support and love. I'm glad you have friends at work as well as family members who love and support you, too.
I think love and support can be magic wands. Zappity, zap, zap! What a great e-family we have created in this imperfect world! We share and we care and it comes out looking like advice when it does. It's just a word. So when you feel like it, give us your slant on whatever interests you here.
Sad,I am new also,but have been dealing with my situation a long time. I'm a whole lot better than i use to be,but still have some really bad days.When your children are little they step on your feet,when they are grown they step on your heart.My faith in God has truly helped me thru this,i have been praying so hard in the last couple of weeks for his strength and guidance.And by the grace of God,i stummbled across this web site.He answered my prayers,thru this site.He puts the people we need in our life to help us learn and grow.I had no clue any one else was going thru this kind of hurt and pain.I feel so empowered from just the short time i have joined in on the discussions.Please keep coming here for support.It's so very vital for your emotional well being.You will probably feel much stronger by time the wedding is here.I agree with every one else,that if you don't go to the wedding they will always throw that in your face.Hold your head high.Try really hard to put your feelings aside for that day.It is their day to shine,and you will be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.I did find a really good web site...wikihow...there is an article on gaining control of your emotions,maybe it will be of some help for you.
Sending you Angel hugs
Hi Mominwaiting!
Isn't it funny how we find these nice places when we need them? God works in mysterious ways! When I found this site, I was truly depressed! I also thought I was the only one experiencing this and had NOT talked to anyone about how hurt I was. I just happened to stumble across this site trolling the internet for help. I've been here ever since. I was thinking for so long that there must be something seriously wrong with me. Maybe I was being too sensitive or something. It's good to know there are others who understand and are experiencing the same things.
I'm happy you're here...
Oh, and thanks for the website info! wikihow? Going to look that up! Between trips outside with my trusty snow shovel! :)
OK, Luise, there IS a magic wand! I love it. This site was a true God send to me, too, Coco. I think I found it through Mom Responds. I was desperate to know what was going on with DIL/DS and my conflicted feelings - glad DS was happy, sad that our family was suddenly yanked apart. I wondered who I was and what my efforts at childrearing had amounted to, and worried that it was inappropriate to feel like there'd been a death in the family. Jealousy and envy reared their monster heads, and I didn't know how to handle those awful emotions. When I started reading the posts by other broken-hearted MILs (& now an FIL!) it put my situation into perspective. The DILs here have been so helpful in showing me that not all DILs are cruel and selfish. I don't even want to think about how I'd be managing without this site.
Oh penstamen! I found it through "Mom Responds" too. Luise had a "recommendation" on there that caught my attention.
I'm so happy you're here! I happy we all are. It's nice to be around other women who are going through these things. Someone understands us and as you put it so nicely, it "puts everything into perspective!"
I know I'm here alot. I go about things around the house and keep checking back in (I take care of my parents, and am between job assignments).
Thanks Penstamen! Take care!
You too, Coco. This is my first forum experience and I'm glad I chose it to be my "de-flowering" in cyberspace :)
Thank you Coco,I'm glad to be here,and it is very helpful.Everyone is so supportive!!! It gives me something to be grateful for.I try to focus on all the things i'm grateful for each day,and this site truly is a blessing.
thanks and hugs to every one. :)
Sad,
Your DIL is totally unreasonable. DS may have told her any dumb thing, in order to try and create empathetic parallel tales of woe, to match hers. "He's a survivor." Yea. Tough guy survived your mother's free rent and having you launder his shorts and serve his supper for the last 25 years.
DS invited you to the wedding because he wants you at his wedding. When times comes, he may invite your DH and daughter anyway. Invitations have not been sent. Real plans for the one lousy night are probably not made yet. Is DS and DIL testing you "we decide who we want" to see if you'll "respect" their decision.
I read your 1.- 4. and all it seemed to me was a little cranky at most, which should not have been given past a moments thought, and nothing personal at all you did. Plllease~ changing a dirty diaper, mildly sarcastic defensiveness about dirty diaper, and making a bath joke out in the open. Okayyyyy. I'm in trouble myself if sarcarsm needs medication.
Your DIL sounds very immature. No matter her age she's young. Hopefully with time she will wisen up. New mama bear. My cousins all get very serious for a few years, but they do chill out especially after #2 comes. For now, next time you interact with them, stay so calm with talking to either of them. Do not bring up the past as it's not helpful when they do. Do not escalate. Shift the subject. Do not take verbal lashings of any sort from DS or DIL. Call yourself from another phone to have to take the other call, just get off the line. Politeness will get you through it.
Did they want more of an apology? Write out some bs one only if you feel like it.
Oh -- and if you've already kissed it goodbye, when the wedding actually comes give them a $100 check and a short note forgiving the total of his loans as their wedding gift. Just kidding. Kind of.
As a DIL I tell you, your DIL's very immature right now. Stay calm and ride through it.
Oh, this brings back memories! The stress of trying to keep everyone happy even though it's out of our control is hard on the mom. I hope all works out well for you and that joy and togetherness rule the day, not petty retaliation.
This doesn't apply but then again, it does....strong and true words:
Four things you can't recover:
The stone........after the throw.
The word.........after it's said..
The occasion........after it's missed.
The time..........after it's gone.
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 06, 2010, 03:36:44 PM
This doesn't apply but then again, it does....strong and true words:
Four things you can't recover:
The stone........after the throw.
The word.........after it's said..
The occasion........after it's missed.
The time..........after it's gone.
Not getting any arguments from me! How absolutely true! Who thinks of these wonderful statements anyway? Makes you wonder where they come from...
Sassy,
Thank you for that email and for putting everything into perspective for me. Yes you are absolutely right about being very immature. I was very honest on my past quotes when I wrote what I did. I never cussed or killed or hit anyone or anything. It was just some things I said and some actions I took that were not within their guidelines.
I was also very honest when I said I am sorry for those things. They were upset because I explained things when I apologized and said that I was not really sorry.
However, I did send her a message and told her happy birthday and now I regret sending it. I just started thinking I am not on their level.
Yes I do not want to attend the wedding as it stands now, but I may change my mind in a few months. But I will not let him or anyone talk down to me again. I will like you said just dismiss myself politely from whatever communication tool he or she uses.
I do not need this kind of abuse in my life and will not accept it.
I am a mother and have been a mother to him, my daughter and I have a step son that respects me totally. He would never talk to me the way my son did.
If anything, all of this makes me appreciate my step son and my hubby's family so much more being the dil and in-law on that side.
Of course I think dil's mother agrees with them and she thinks I need to apologize. How many times can you apologize?
hugs
SAD