As a result of my adult children not speaking to me, of course I don't get to see the grandkids. It is so heartbreaking. But yet, I'm starting to feel like, as this situation goes on, and my depression worsens, maybe it's best for them NOT to be around me...I absolutely hate myself for causing all this! Yet in reality, I don't believe I did this without my kids' having some responsibility; I am so scared & sooo depressed. :'(
Yes, I am being treated for depression, the whole story & all it's dynamics see too hard to post yet; am getting comfortable with the site...
jadedgrandma, you need to put yourself first. You are important and it's the most important thing now to get yourself better.
I doubt if there is ever a situation where only one person is totally at fault and everyone else is innocent of wrong-doing. You may be able to see and own up to some mistakes but I'm sure the rest of the family is not blameless.
Take your time getting acquainted here and read the posts that have piled up in the 1 1/2 years that we have been in existence. There is a lot of wisdom and kindness in them. We need both...or at least I do.
When a situation arises like the standoff you are dealing with...focus on your self not on what you have lost. Pamper yourself, put your self first and know that you were fine before you ever had a family and you can be fine again. When we focus on loss it gets bigger and bigger. Self-love can heal from the inside out. Sending love...
sending you a virtual hug and blessing.
I felt like you last Christmas,
I want even to suicide to end this pain
But then I realized
that I am a victim of DIL manipulation,
that our GDs need us and to to that I would let them down.
so I started to pray and I am asking daily God
to give me strength and wisdom and
I found Invisible here, her life story of dead son
and pain of her GD and
some very smart women who do supported Insisible in her pain.
WE are more lucky then Invisible, our son is alive.
Invisible if you read here THANK YOU so much for your time
to share your story, you are in my prayer,
you are very brave woman and amazing grandma
One week before last Christmas was my GS 4 birthday,
my oldest son called me and said to me, he is so sorry
but he do not know what to do. His younger brother called and
said he and his new family will come only if
mom=me was not there,
"choose" he said "it is mom or me".
So I reasured my son I loved him,
but your brother and your nieces need you,
please be there for them.
That I will come day after to celebrate
to keep some cake for me,
and let not ruin small boy party, DH went there alone.
Christmas was coming and DS and his new DIL
did invited everyone at that party to their new house for a dinner.
Everyone, except me, of course, I was excluded.
I was angry at DS for this childish behavior,
thinking fine, if that is what he wanted
you do not want me in you life so I would step back
not to give you any presents since he will throw them out anyway.
But two wrong does not make right
MY DS is wrong but I will forgive him
DH asked what DS wanted for his family for Christmas,
DS said nothing for him or his 2 girls,
just cross country skies and boots for her 2 older kids
well after praying I did convinced my DH to go there alone
as he did not want to go.
I bought a dolly for little one and skates for older one,
and night fuzzy jammies (to cuddle and hug them when they sleep)
some books and pens for her older kids (they are victims too)
send a food and wine basket for DS and DIL
DS husband said GDs were so happy to received a present from me, asking about me, wheres grandma and why she did not come to see them...
DS and DIL put their presents and her kids presents aside
as her kids were not there ( they were visiting their father)
for Easter my husband was not allowed to come to their house
and give chocolates baskets to GDs and her 2kids
2 birthday presents for our 2GDs our DS first did not want to accept
but after 3 weeks after GDs Birthdays DS took it
if DS gave presents to GD we do not know
you see I realized that DIL planned that
hoping that my DH stay home with me
to push our family away from DS
so thanks to God
my DH and his brothers have a contact with DS
limited contact but DS needs to hear that we still love him
for DS birthday I did send him e-mail,
wishing him happiness and telling him I do love him
for his DDs birthday I did send him-email
wishing them happiness and asking DS when can I see them
because I do love them so much
for his wedding (even not invited) I did send him e-mail
wishing him and DIL well and telling him I do love him
Please do not take this personally, it is not about you,
it is not you being bad person or do something bad,
some is pushing you out
question is WHY?
to hurt you because they are hurting
as a mothers we could feel their pain
Eva I am so sorry about your situation & thank you for sharing (((hugs))) My 12 yr old gs has already asked if we will be getting together this year for Christmas & I felt so bad when I had to tell him probably not. I haven't even let myself think about the holidays yet, and hope my bf & I can come up with the best ways to not let it be so hard. Maybe volunteer at a shelter to serve food, although we do have his family to spend part of it with. I just am into isolating myself & feel embarrassed even ashamed about my family being so torn apart right now. Good news is, my 14 yr old gs who I am very close to, came to see me the other day! :D But he had to "sneak" which really makes me mad at DD & SIL! ok take care
JG,
It sounds like you are doing everything you can to show your ds that you are there for him and his family without pushing yourself on them. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship he is in. My heart hurts for you! You sound so unselfish and loving - you deserve so much better! Just be good to yourself. Do things you enjoy and try to think about positive thoughts. Don't give ds/dil the power to bring you down. You are a survivor! As Luise always says - you had happiness before they were in your life and you are capable of happiness again (paraphrased). You are in my thoughts........
Hugs, Hope
Thanks for the kind words Hope! :) But, I have only recently really am trying to not push myself on my dd & her family. The past 6 months, I failed at that miserably; with phone messages ranging from crying & pleading, to downright angry & hurtful. If they didn't have a reason for what they are doing before which IMO they did not, they sure do now! And I have to live with the consequences of my words... :-X I have a terrible time zipping my lip!! I am trying to forgive myself, to not dwell on the pain, or the past mistakes I made as a mother. But it is SO hard!
Then, there are the dreams...ugh...like before I woke up this a.m., I was dreaming things were fine with my daughter, we were out shopping...then I woke up...back to reality.
And I have created the same situation with my son & his family. But, they (he) do this to me quite often so I feel more hopeful that with them, it's a matter of time. With my oldest daughter, I am not so sure. My SIL has kept his father out of his life for several yrs. now, he told his best friend to stop calling with his problems(he was going thru a very painful divorce & was very depressed). But SIL told him now that he has a family "don't call anymore, that he don't have time..." They then ended any ties to my other daughter, who has alot of problems, then cut my son & his family out because of their "problems". And a few yrs. before they cut me out, SIL had told me "SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE CANCER & YOU HAVE TO RID THEM FROM YOUR LIFE..."
I just can't believe my DD has changed so much & feels the same. Of course everyone says it's her husbands influence, and is true, but he comes off like such a wonderful guy...ok there had to vent a little I guess. Please believe that I am NOT putting all blame on them, but as I have done so much to just be a good gramma & mom these past few yrs, it is so bewildering to me how they can know how much I hurt & not care!
So, once again thank you & I'd like to ask for prayer for my mother as she has early stage lung cancer & will be having part of her lung removed on Wed. One thing thru all of this with my kids, I have gotten so much closer to my own mother. :) She lives 2 states away, but I will be there for about a week. (((hugs))) jaded
Sending prayers for your mom...and love...
JG,
You have a big heart and being there for your mom when she really needs you is one indication. I will say prayers for her quick recovery. I'm glad to hear that you have changed your tactics toward your children and are now taking a step back. It's very tempting to plead and cry when you are being ill-treated, but unfortunately it causes the opposite results as you desire. Enjoy your one-on-one time with your mom - it is a memory you will cherish and feel good about for years to come. Hugs, Hope
Sending prayers for your Mom and you!
Praying for the best for you and your mother,JG.
JG,
Thinking of you and your mom.
Hugs, Hope
I am in the same situation. I have a daughter who has just had a little boy, and they also have a little girl, 3 and a half. She was my apple blossom, my little ray of sunshine. I am not allowed to see the whole family. I cry a lot as they live in the same city. I feel I cannot cope without them
That's our major mountain to scale here...to learn how to cope without them. It isn't easy, but it's very simple. We re-establish self-love and with that "self" and we move on into full and satisfying lives. Do we want it that way? No, none of us do. Can we heal? Yes...with the support and love of our fellow-travelers. It takes time and courage...buy/and it is do-able and worth it.
Dear Sadgranny,
Welcome, you have come to the right place, there are many wise women here. I know exactly how you feel, my odd has cut me out of her life, and I have not seen my precious gd for 4 months, she was the light of my life.
With the help of everyone here, I am gradually getting some strength, I don't feel like ending it all anymore, but I alternate between feeling sad and angry. I called my dd last week and my gd answered the phone and I spoke to her for about 5 minutes, to find out what she wants for Christmas, although I don't know if I will see her at Christmas.
I would never have dreamed this could happen to me, I thought they would always be in my life, but if it not to be, there is nothing I can do about it. Keep reading the posts, you will get great comfort from them.
Best wishes...Jill
Quote from: sadgranny on November 18, 2010, 11:42:56 AM
I am in the same situation. I have a daughter who has just had a little boy, and they also have a little girl, 3 and a half. She was my apple blossom, my little ray of sunshine. I am not allowed to see the whole family. I cry a lot as they live in the same city. I feel I cannot cope without them
sadgranny,
I'm glad you found us b/c you will feel understood and comforted by sharing here. Your pain is obvious in your post, but you are not alone, my friend. I always get so much insight by what Luise posts - and I agree with her - I think it is important that you move on. If your daughter wants you in her life, she will come back to you on her own. By calling her, inviting her places, trying to involve her in your life - you may be giving her the impression that you are pressuring her (as loving and unthreatening as may be intended). I'm just sharing what I have learned myself. Taking a step back is truly healing. I hope you can find inner peace and fulfilling activities to give your life new meaning.
Hugs, Hope
I'm sorry you are dealing with this sad issue. I'm with you as I am also dealing with not seeing some of my grandchildren. The holidays make that harder. It's not fair to these little kids. Glad you got to talk to your gd at least and find out what she wanted for Christmas. Hugs to you. It is nice to be able to come here though to share our thoughts and get moral support.