March 28, 2024, 08:42:56 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - shiny

1
Raindrops, sorry to read about your family holidays — these times can bring up some of my worst emotions.
I think in many cases our children/GKs have come to 'expect' our gifts, because that's what we've always done. AND, if they have established a pattern of not giving us anything, even 'thanks', that continues, too.
A card? Those things are from another era - bygones.
I know it hurts, but have come to realize that my children/GKs are focused on themselves now. It might change as they get older, and then, maybe not. I remind myself that I give to show love, not to get anything back. But when it becomes a source of aggravation and even anger, I will stop, because I don't want to participate in bringing misery into my own heart.
Sounds like you are at the crossroad already and it feels strange to choose a different way.
For me, I would consider having family gift, such as flowers or food, delivered, letting them all know I was thinking of them and loved them.
Lastly, my town has many who are impoverished and there are ways to help them, so, I am blessed by giving to those who really appreciate it, yet they can give nothing back. It's a matter of the heart.
Blessings and peace to you through holidays!
2
Hello everyone!
Have been absent for awhile, but often read the forum.
I've made huge progress in my disappointing relationship with DS and DIL -- only because of changing my thinking.
This article may encourage those who are struggling.
http://sixtyandme.com/the-detachment-wall-how-to-let-go-of-your-adult-children
3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 27, 2018, 02:46:37 PM
G, So sorry for your pain -- it's just not right!

I have similar situation: DIL and GKs are closely connected to her family (every day/week), and she avoids us like the plague. (Even though over the years we've showered her with love/kindness).
DS calls every two weeks for brief five minute chat. (Hey, how are you--we are fine, etc. He's too busy to connect deeply with the heart, if you know what I mean.)
Holidays have been a royal pain --for my family-- NOT DIL's. Her family is first choice. (Sometimes ONLY choice)
Well, I've turned a huge corner and am at peace with all of it.
Just this morning, I reminded myself of how far I've come in the past year.
Easter is one of my favorite holidays, yet it will be just DH and me.
I haven't mentioned it to any of my AC and they haven't either.
That tells me it's not important for them to gather with us and celebrate.
So why do I want to live in misery because of their choices?
I've been helped a lot by the wise women here, too. Several things come to mind: when I continue to focus on the injustice of it all, I torture myself. They are not torturing me.
Also, my DS and DD have changed into different people over the years, and presently, I don't actually enjoy being around them. Then, DH and I end up doing everything -- cleaning, shopping, preparing meal and even hiding the Easter eggs, cause no one else wants to. And lately, we've been feeling our age, just worn out. So, it will be a joy to go to church, eat nice meal, and relax.
I'm tired of extending invitations only to be rejected or given an excuse.
I don't want anyone coming to my home under obligation.
Years ago, I had hopes and dreams that my family would remain close, and gather together often. Isn't that what loving families do? But we live in a fallen world, and all dreams went out the window. So, we have to learn to live with what we've been given, and do so with a measure of peace and joy. We can give that to ourselves. If we wait on AC to give it to us, we'll be in the grave.
Focus on your other family and friends that are with you, and on yourself. It will get better. Hugs to you.
4
Pen, glad you brought this to light -- I've been thinking about it, too.

My conclusion about my AC:
I know they 'care' about me, but realize how self-centered they've become -- every thing is all about them, whether it's convenient/costly/etc.
They weren't raised this way and I've had to 'unlearn' MY expectations -- thanks to Luise's advice here!
I have hope that as they mature in life, they will become more considerate towards others, especially their own family, and learn to put 'self on the shelf' sometimes.
Often it takes age and life experiences to teach us, rather than my whining/innuendoes. I'm done with that.

Another thought is perhaps self-centeredness is a person's way of coping/survival in this hard world. They are doing the best they can at the moment and I should cut them some slack by not focusing on what they should do for ME -- if that makes sense.
IOW, I have no idea what's going on in their daily lives, and probably don't want to. Then I would be down!

I remind myself that I was -- and still am -- a good mother to them, including the flaws.
Whether they recognize or appreciate this fact is on them -- not me!
I've also learned it's not just me -- their self-centeredness affects others, too.
Fathers Day goes by too w/o much recognition -- and it hurts DH, but he doesn't say much.

My generation is/was so different in many ways. We all know that by now!
Maybe these holidays don't mean as much to younger generation as they do/did us? I remind myself it's really only a 'date' that our culture set for us to observe, but not everyone feels the same way about it. And that's okay! DH and I haven't celebrated Valentines Day for years. We know that we love each other and show it a hundred times a day.

So, I'm not going to give it another thought, a.k.a., have a pity-party.
Why do I want to be miserable when they don't make the choices I want them to make?
Yes, it's sad, but there are many other blessings to count.
As for me, I'm going to put some new flowers on my dear Mamma's grave and think about her.
(Although we had a flawed/difficult relationship, I still love her, miss her, and respect that she was my mother.) She died last fall, and it's still fresh in my mind and heart.

There's no adequate way to express this: when my mamma died, the next day I literally "felt" a deep loss of all her worries/concerns/prayers for me. At the time, she nearly drove me nuts, always being anxious over me. Now? I miss it. Sorta. Ha!
But when you lose your mamma, there's one less person on earth who deeply loves you, and no one can take her place. I think that's what we want our AC to know NOW -- how much we love them ...

Thanks Luise and Kirk for all you do for this webpage. It has helped many, including me!
Happy, happy Mothers Day Luise.
You can adopt me! If you lived closer, I'd certainly come to see you!

Love you all, mothers! Chin up, forgive, continue to love and pray for these kids. I think that's what mothers do, give themselves for their families in hopes of them becoming who they should become. No matter what our age (or theirs), they still need someone to look to, to emulate.
(If we don't stand in the gap for them, who will? Scary thought.)
And we need to be strong; persevere with patience and kindness!
It will pay off in the end -- even if we don't live to see it.

My mantra: it's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me!

(Sorry for long post!)
5
I agree with Jdtm.
Some men need help in the gift-giving area -- as in, a fish out of water, ha!
Yes, they "should" be able to handle getting a gift, but just not intuitive or creative about it.
I would put the idea in his head, if necessary, and even offer to pick up something while you're out. Then, just leave the ball in his court ...
6
Star, your heart's desire for DH and MIL to be together is admirable!
Seemingly, your ambition here is in minority ... some DILs don't care one way or the other.
I agree with Luise, though. It needs to be initiated by the two of them.
If my DIL arranged a Mother's Day event for me on behalf of my AS, it would not be meaningful.
At all. I would probably resent it since it would be from her heart -- not his.
Sometimes all we can do is wait and watch as others journey through life, making those decisions contrary to ours. That's my view.
7
Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
April 18, 2017, 03:13:32 PM
Pooh, your post is bittersweet ... glad you've reached that plateau of peace. I think that's what all of us here are longing for! But, am sad that you won't be a regular contributor. You've given much wisdom to the forum. Will miss you greatly and thank you for your sharing. Because of this wonderful website, I'm on my way to healing -- still have to step around some landmines --  but I now know where they are!
8
Grab Bag / Re: Today is my 90th Birthday!
March 13, 2017, 10:25:28 AM
Happy, happy birthday, Luise!
I agree with Pen -- celebrate all month!
You certainly deserve it, especially after ninety years!
So glad that you've had laughter and joy along the way, too!
(It softens the hard places we must travel.)
Thanks for all your advice, time and effort that you've given to this forum that has no doubt helped countless ones! Namely, ME.
Hope you enjoy a wonderful, peaceful year ahead, Luise.
9
Amflautist,
I'm sorry you're being mistreated and denied seeing your GC. It's so wrong.

I do see my little GC every few months, but do not know any details about their lives and growing up.
DIL only shares that with her DM. It breaks my heart, but since I can't do anything about it, have to let it go.
Please continue to take care of yourself and well-being. I've learned that added stress from relationship difficulty can take a toll on my health. At my age, I need to guard against that.
I'm at a point where some other wise women here have reached and said it's true: that there is a good life beyond parenting and grand parenting.
Actually, I have NO desire to parent anymore, but do miss the little ones.
10
Monroe,

I was "on alert" even during their dating season.  :)

Our issues arose not because of cultural/tradition differences, but because DIL and her DM don't want anyone else in their little circle. They're still playing seventh grade games.

I agree with you and Luise that weddings have gotten way out of hand and such a waste of money.
Why spend extravagantly to impress people you don't know, don't like and probably won't see again?
My grandparents had a simple family ceremony where they lived in the country, and remained married for sixty-seven years before one of them passed.

Still-learning, I ditto your comments -- with an exception: I have no more younger sons!
Thank goodness.

11
Luise, you are well-loved by so many on this forum, including me!
Wished you lived in the southern US and I could visit you in person!

Hugs back
12
Monroe,

Can only speak for myself, but when my adult children married those were some of the worst days of my life.
I'm in same boat as Pen's post explained: stunned.
Before DIL married DS, she was very friendly and inclusive of me/DH.
Soon after wedding, she morphed into cold, aloof and distant human being. No clue why.
Admittedly, I was anxious months before the wedding and at the ceremony, since I knew my relationship with DS would change and didn't know what to expect. Now on the other side of it all, it's worse than expected.
I didn't want DS to go through life alone and am thankful that he now has a wife and family, as they seem happy. It just doesn't include me. sniff..
I do believe her family was happy about the wedding as they seemed to enjoy the occasion.
DIL's FOO all still gather frequently for fellowship and fun; after all, they did get a great addition to their family. I would be happy, too.
Sorry if this has bitter undertones -- I'm still working on that.
13
Hello R,

I totally agree with Luise's wisdom -- we're all human, subject to "less than" choices ...

Over the years, I've had thoughts 'pop up' out of nowhere, taking me down Memory Lane of raising my children,  remembering something I did -- or didn't do/should have done, and, something I said -- or shouldn't have said, and on and on.
And to be honest, some of those times were stupidity on my part.
Then, I'll ask myself: what were you thinking?
To which I respond (and NOW realize): I wasn't thinking at the time!

So, I give myself permission to let myself off the hook. I remind myself at that particular time, I did my best. If I could go back and do it differently, I would. But since it's not possible, I cut myself some slack, chalk it up as being "human" and treat myself kindly.
As Luise says, it's too heavy a load to carry.
And the older we get, if we don't lay down some of these burdens, they will suck the life out of you!

I'm now dealing with the aftermath of my mother's death several months ago.
I was her primary care giver and it was never 'good enough.' But I did what I could.
I'm weary of living in the "Could of, Should of, If only" Land!

We need to talk to ourselves in a kind and healthy way -- not listening to other voices, whoever they may be. (sometimes, it's our 'own' negative voice)

More hugs to you!
14
Grandchildren / Re: Once again asking for advice
January 28, 2017, 04:50:58 AM
StillLearning,

So sorry to hear about this 'new issue' concerning your GC.

It breaks my heart when children (and the elderly) go through hardships, especially when I can't help much.

I agree with Bamboo's thoughts as well.

You already realize there's a fine line here NOT to cross ... but, this is more than a 'ordinary' parenting issue, IMO, since DIL has been in the hospital regulating serious medications.

I assume your relationship with DS is now on good (decent?) terms as he has discussed with you DIL's state of illness, so I would take a chance and talk with him about your concern.

BUT -- approach it gently and choose your words carefully!
Remember that DIL is suffering with an illness and many of those drugs can be hard on people.
IOW, the effects can make them into a different person.
Or at least they did my DD who is bi-polar.

This is a hard illness to understand -- and live with.
So, if DS is willing to talk with you, I would give him, briefly, my concerns.
Then, offer to be a support (if you can) and step away from further 'advice.' Leave it with him.

Hope I've made sense here. Every situation is different so you'll need good discernment.

My point: this isn't about what a 'bad' parent DIL is, but about helping them ALL get through this struggle and, hopefully, to a more stable condition. If DIL wasn't suffering with this mental illness, things would most likely be different. (maybe not the marriage, but the natural parental bond)

I do know that Bi-polar causes difficulty for ALL that are involved.
Professional counseling is available for family members of one with bi-polar. Although your GC are too young, your DS might benefit.

My heart goes out to your DIL as she needs all the understanding, kindness and love she can muster now.

My heart goes out to you, too, Still Learning, since I've experienced this for quite awhile with my DD and haved lived through many challenges. Each day can bring something 'new.'
All is not lost, though, as I've discovered the situation has strengthened my character growth.

Your comments over the years on this forum have greatly encouraged me, SL, and I appreciate you!

I agree with Bamboo that hopefully others will chime in, as the forum has been quiet for awhile. Maybe all the 'wise women' have 'wised up' and moved on!
As for me? I'm still here -- reading and re-reading posts, trying to move on, too. I've hit a snag lately. A little stuck. But I love this forum, and Luise!
15
With the year-end here, I want to thank Luise and all of the wise women here who have contributed to the forum and ultimately, my well-being!
It's taken awhile, but five years ago, I was so miserable and confused due to issues with several AC, their spouses, and even GC.
Now, I'm on the other side -- kicking my heels and leaving them in the dust, so to speak!

Pen, I agree that we do need to take care of ourselves. If we don't, who will?
Love you all!