March 28, 2024, 09:42:50 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - artlady

1
Maybe some that were here with me have reunited with their estranged children. My case is no better truth be known it is worse and I see no fixing . Hope all is well   . Mine is the controlling   narcissist  sil
2
Hi ladies. I do hope all are doing better and moving forward. DD has become more isolated , controlled and distant. She now is at home with a 2 year old and a 6 month old trying to work part time . All of her best friends from childhood thru present are worried about her as they feel she has dropped off the face of the earth. They have tried to reach out to her but she is short with them, defensive and makes excuses why she has not kept in touch. I can totally understand. The strange part is she is suppose to go into work one day a week they have not seen her since Sept 2013.  That is not like her at all, she has always had a strong work ethic, I didn't know until her best friend told me her dh wanted her to quit work when they got married before babies. The real issue is her dad ( step dad only one she has ever known ) has bladder cancer, two surgeries and we start on the treatment this tue. So far no visit just a brief call right before surgery. A very different daughter from the time he had open heart surgery a month before her wedding . She was on top of it all. I['m over so much of it but this cancer situation has brought some of those hurts back to the surface . I still try to go visit during the week but have not been since right after xmas and not sure when I will be able to go back. It is hard to go as the beautiful person she was is gone and I dont'[ recognize the daughter she is now . It is like she has died and I can'[t love this one as I did the other one . I do believe she is in a very bad situation, I do think there is emotional abuse as well as financial. I just pray no physical . I know she won't come to me about it and now she has a few new friends through her exercise class , which is safe for her as they are not a threat to him evidently. I dont'[ think she would confide in them and they didnt'[ know her before to know the person she was . Ok got to get my self going today . Love Kisses and Hugs to you all     
3
Now I'm trying to distance myself from DD/ SIL issues in order to move forward, protect my heart and health. Their visit last weekend was not the best in the world and they ended up hurting DH 's feelings when they were leaving. I had already promised to go babysit Saturday night so they could go to a shower cookout for her college roommate ( who is getting married to a cousin we introduced her to and dd hasn't been to anything yet all in the same town). If I had known last weekend was going to be like it was , I wouldn't be going this Saturday as it puts me in the middle of all of it betweem DD/SIL and DH. So ping pong back and forth , `here I am hung up on the darn net again and it is getting pretty lonely here. Now after all that has gone on my DD is trying to figure her return work schedule , she wants to know my school start time and days. Prior to gs birth i had said i could help some as she was trying to get things worked out and in emergencies. I'd have to spend the night(  it is 75 miles to her house ) most of the time and might have to do 2 nights. At this point with the small nerve fiber neuropathy I never know when my feet and legs are going to feel like a forest fire , and riding is miserable .( standing , walking is fine )I've heard too many say you want to be the grandmother not the babysitter. Also one thing is it will be free for them to use me . She had wanted me to come up this week or last week to spend the night to see how she puts him to bed so I'd know what to do this Saturday. PPPPPLLLLEEEAASSSEEE  give me a break , I think I can get it when I get there a few hours before they leave , that is why staying with him too much I know I"ll have a 5 inch instruction manual and if I do something wrong no telling what would happen. I really don't feel comfortable keeping him as they are so overprotective past extreme.I want to be there for here but with all that has gone on for the past almost two years she is now putting me in a situation that i don't' know that i want to be in . So I need to know your thoughts , I'm doing good with less contact, not emailing /texting back as much . this is ping pong on the net going plop plop so I need to move to one side of the net or the other .
4
My DD continues to baffle and confuse me on her new ways. Again this is the DD that has always been on top of holidays, birthdays and family events for 31 years to someone that seems now to not care , recognize or is just aloof to what is happening in the world around her ( outside of her own doors). She told me mid week they were trying to decide to come on Sat or Sunday for Father's Day ( now remember they didn't come for mother's day, I've yet to get the card she said she mailed) . Now they decided to come next Sat ( (I'm sure it had to do with the SIL's dad/ stepmom's activities , his brother and/ or stepmom's son/ grandkids , as DD said they wanted to avoid SIL's brother ) . Anyhow we had another grandson here for 4 days , of whom they have never met so DH had the weekend off , but I"m not sure about his weekend for next weekend. She called him but while he was at work and couldn't talk. She had sent message 7am saying she was callling in a bit ( to him and me ) ,i had told her he went in at 1:00, she had time to catch him but she didn't call . Her messages are soooooo sweet and loving but her actions don't match her words. I'm truly concerned about her , this is not my child, friends and family can't understand ,this is not the girl they knew either. She has disconnected from some long time friends , now when she needs as much support as possible from all with a husband that may be facing a bad out come but hopefully not . It is like she is on her own island and the rest of the world doesn't exist.I"m totally perplexed as to who she is , what to do and if there is something I can do to help her through this phase. She has been a wonderful dd but I've watched her disappear now for the last 2 years . I feel the distance between us , with the baby she seems to have really changed. Many have said they think it might be post partum depression or she is under strain ( has been before baby too )from the SIL from mental and emotional abuse . Everyone misses the fun , out going , happy DD we all use to know , now where has she gone and can we find her again is the question . Anyone have any suggestions or gone through this to know the signs. thanks
5
This is an update. I spent the night with DD/ SIL and Gs this week. I was so pleasantly surprised at how gracious he was and nice. If you didn't see past post he was in the hospital a week or so ago for a blood clot in the portal vein of his liver. I'm not sure if the blood clot or the baby or both have maybe made a change in him but he reminded me of the guy before the wedding then the one from the reception til of late . He has lost right much weight( not really fat to start with), has to have blood work every week, on cumadin and will see specialist in Oct ( the earliest they could see him) Being that it is rare all of his work has been sent to Mayo. He is only 36 and had a clot in his leg, in 04.  His dad and step mom were coming up that week anyhow for a doctor appt for her so it was not a special trip to the hospital but dropped in when he got home that day from their appt , DD said they were very cold and their main concern was the pics on Facebook( someone told them about from my page) that they had not been shared with them . They have not called back to see how he is or come back. So all in all he should see we are supportive , I send card, text etc to him to let him know we were here for him. I was going up to stay with DD but he was coming home that day , she had to take baby to hospital as she didn't have enough milk to leave him so she had it under control and I was working the first two days he was in so he knows i was coming .  So all in all I have been praying things would change but not by an illness, so i do hope things will turn out OK  for him and that maybe we can all start to heal. DH is still a bit holding back , still hurt . 
6
SIL's parents are pros at rude, below the belt and brash comments to everyone. SIL ( of whom is a piece of work himself) just got home from hospital yesterday from a 3 day stay from a blood clot in his liver ( he is 36), his dad and stepmom came up to see them and of course the gs( 4 months old) . DD said they made ugly comment about pics of gs on FB that had not been shared with them and she said they acted cold the rest of the time . Come to find out they were referring to my pics, a lot of the ones posted are from phone pics my DD sends me , this is my first gc so why can't i post what i want, they never mentioned all the wedding pics I've got on there. Plus if they were better gp's I'm sure they would send pics to them but they are so into themselves and stepmom has her own gc that she puts her time into. I don't have her as a friend anymore , as how they acted prior to and during the wedding , I took her off and blocked her from seeing anything, so not quiet sure how they see them but again they want to take jabs at me , I"m minding my own business , not bothering them and plus if they were caring parents , he just got home, still not out of the woods yet  with a serious situation so they should be there for support not complaining . She just wants pics to make folks think she is a good gm, as they r both so fake anyhow. I'[m not upset i just feel bad for DD and SIL that something so minor has to become a big big issue.  thanks
7
My DD is wanting to know what I want to do for Mother's day but also saying we need to be together and she has already told her DH she doesn't want a gift. Before I could reply ( email ) she says maybe to come up there , have lunch go out to the Farmer's Market ( as it is huge with lots of things) ETC Now here is the same DD, wanted to know about my birthday ( turned 60 in March) again it was all around us going up there , just like she has already stated how Christmas will go, again on Christmas day at their house ( last year we did since she was too close to delivery). Still no card, no gift nothing from a DD who never has missed being with me or at least coming , sending a gift. Now he is on a sleep schedule , I don't know why they or DD and gs drive down for the day or night ( live only 70 miles). She says he is too young to go that far ( he is now 12 weeks old) . She said in her reply that now people will have to visit them more . I've been up there since the baby has been born more than they have come home in two years( since she married him). He he has no family traditions, not close to any nor does he want to. My DB went with us last year and said he won't go back as they didn't do gifts since they had to buy things still for baby left on registry. My DH and DB both gave SIL a present he still to thank my DB, SIL never thanks anyone for anything . I had already bought so much for the baby I knew i couldn't ' afford to buy anything else. I've got a nursery with crib, changing table , swing,pack and play , walker I've got stuff so none of the parents have to load so much like we did and in hopes that would make it easy for them to visit. I feel like now DD thinks all special events , holidays etc will be spent with them at their house , with the rude SIL. That is not how I want to spend special times always on eggshells, I don't mind it some but why can't DH and I have some of our family traditions remain the same . I'm willing to have Christmas for them all a weekend before or after that suits them, but we have other family that comes here so we can't forget about them . She is really putting me in a bad situation , as she has no clue how we feel about SIL( he is very controlling , scheduled , non emotional type ) , we are always nice to him and just take his rudeness but since the baby it has been one tough cookie to swallow. I feel so bad that I can't tell her why we want to have some of our special times here as is is emotionally better on us , as we feel like such intruders and unwanted  when in their house . Oh she is fine when we are there he just has an attitude the whole time , making it very unpleasant. So now i know it is hard to know if you haven't seen all my posts concerning DD and SIL but I need to know how I"m going to handle this without hurting her feelings . ( it is OK to keep hurting mine i guess ).
8
Wow I do feel sooooooooooooo much better as my visit last week with dd and gs was so much better. She acted like herself ( so the body snatchers didn't take my dd) and the baby was better. She is trying the sleep training so now they are getting the sleep they need and the ped told her not to do so much nursing ( demand ) so the nursing sessions are shorter, he even takes a morning nap. The poor little fella wasn't getting near enough sleep the first 10 weeks and neither was DD. He still has the gassy, fussy time in the afternoons but she is able to handle it better . So now I think that worry part is over as being sleep deprived at 31 years old or 10 weeks is not good anyway you looks at it . Thanks for hanging in there with me , now to the other situation of the SIL is all we have left to deal with ( major obstacle ) 
9
Grandchildren / new baby , new mom , new grandmom
April 10, 2012, 08:55:05 AM
just want to know if any of your DD's or DS's have used a "cry out " method or Ferber method to "sleep train " their babies? I've looked at it and it states it is for no younger than 4 months but better for 6months and up. Now this crazy pediatrician that my DD/SIL see has them on this for their 9 week old. I find it very strange and the method i read about said not to let them cry longer than 40 minutes but she told them not to let him cry longer than an hour. My goodness this little guy as had lots of fussy , gassy issues , he is a big nurser and not really gaining lots ( in 10% for weight and 75% for height) so this new method of not nursing but 5-10 minutes on either side ( of which he nursed way more ) and to not feed him but every 3 hours .  Now they r doing the sleep training for day naps of 2-3 hours and sleeping through the night for 7-8 hours is the goal. DD said now they will have to tell people not to visit unless it is a good time for nap, they can't travel he is too small and getting on a schedule ( so we r 70 miles , we go there ) , this is not a happy baby so far not much smiling . I"m new to all this new stuff but I just wondered if a baby can be learning this or he falls asleep from exhaustion from crying ( they go in to soothe him, not pick up then lessen visits ). Doctor told them by 3rd night he would have it . I just hope this doesn't cause a set back in his weight gain ( he needs a little ) and what it will do to feeling secure and reassured someone is there. Please tell me if you know anything about all this as I said this young I wasn't too concerned about a schedule being so tight and rigid.
10
DD is trying so very hard to meet the needs of this fussy, gassy baby all the while going by the book of what SIL expects ( my assumption as from past experiences) and 2 month doctor visit, ( go 2 months from hosp before check up now ). Both she and baby are very sleep deprived, baby nurses all the time , doesn't sleep long or much and she is so isolated from all ( SIL likes no one around anyhow) . Went to visit last week for a day trip with my best friend and her mother to see DD, they have known her since birth and both were so concerned about her and the baby. Best friends mother is a retired nurse and she said that baby is just not getting enough so therefore he is not able to sleep long because he is hungry. I've been thinking the same thing all along, but DD/SIL want to do it on their own and I don't' think the old ways are anyting they want to hear about , that worked, so i bite my lip. What really bothers me is they said that wasn't DD , they didn't even think she acted herself. I've been noticing it but when it is just me visiting I didn't' want to think it was just me , so didn't' say anything to them about it until they brought it up on the way home . SIL doesn't keep the Gs, only 2 times and that was a morning or mid day . She has no breaks . She was suppose to go to an engagement party this past Saturday for a cousin that is marrying her college roomate ( who was in her wedding ) that we introduced at one of her parties. She was excited and planning on coming until a week beefier SIL said he wanted to go( which he does not go to social things , so we think he was playing her) so that meant she had to find a sitter , plan on nursing him to go to bed and arrive about 2 hours after it started and she didn't' want to leave him fussing with someone . So he played to the end , she ended up not being able to go , of which it was less than 5 miles from her house , she could have gone for 30-45 minutes, but he doesn't want her to really have much outside of the house and him. WE went all were asking about her , missed her and concerned for the baby's situation of being fussy and gassy, I of course had to smile and act like a happy grandmother on the outside who's inside is like much. I feel I"m mourning the death of a child that is still living. I know she is overwhelmed with this baby , but she is not like herself at all. She has never missed a birthday in 31 years , this year i turned 60 about 2 weeks ago , she called that morning we talked just like old time , she had wanted me to come up the next day or so for lunch etc,  I just wasn't' and still not emotionally able to be around the SIL since his rudeness at the hospital and the house after the baby.  So to this date , no card , no gift and that is so not like her. I asked did SIL know it was my birthday , she said no he thought it was April 23, but did she tell me happy birthday from them all.  He has never been raised around family holidays , traditions like she has so that is how that goes. We only can communicate by text and email and from things said in the past I'm sure he reads them. She still has no free calls til after 7 and weekends and he is home , she quit calling in front of him the day of the wedding and would call everyday on her way from work ( hour drive) and going to the grocery on weekends. I'm just so sick feelling and worried for her . Like so many have said that know her , she might need help but not know how to ask but for sure something has to come to as head soon as it is ruining too many lives , a big sit down discussion but DH and I don't' know what is the right course. If she doesn't go back to work it will be because his mother who was a stay at home mom had to go to work when his dad quit jobs , changed jobs. he has said all along that he didn't' want her to work when they had kids as his mother wanted to stay home , well that was his mother , you can relive her life as he has and is doing but through my DD. Naming your son's middle name after his mother is strange don't' you think( as it is not a like a family name or last name deal) WE go back to the counselor soon and wow do i need it . now the doctors told them to force him to sleep by letting him cry it out , no supplement to help him and the is long and skinny , not really gaining much weight, i guess now they r all over the obese children thing. I"m worried to death for his growth ( she is breastfeeding ) , her well being and how this will all turn out. The SIL blames everyone else for everything wrong in his life and always has , plus he hold grudges for life. So we love them both , want to do whatever we can to be there for them but right now our hearts are broken in half with a long ways from healing , since the wedding 2 years ago we have been in this spot with him he did a 180 at the wedding and never gone back . No one saw this coming . Thanks for listening this is just one of my really really bad days.
11
I just want to know if there is anyone on here that has a hard to deal with , controlling SIL , what happened and how did you deal with it not to interfere or lose daughter. we are at a loss for what to do and now with the new little 7 week old GS we don't want to cause any problems but the rudeness of the SIL breaks our hearts and we bend over backgrounds to be nice and do everything we can to make him welcome and comfortable . Please help
12
Well I'm now so concerned about the outlook for my DD. Now she is a new mother of a 3 week old that literally nurses all day and she plans to start pumping in another week or so to give her a break . My last visit she did want to "make a break " for it to a fast food drive through to get some " bad food " as she called it . She says her only outing of the day is to the mailbox with GS as he has been gassy and fussy. I had wanted to be there for her more than I am but due to her DH( read past posts of his attitude to us and controlling nature of things) I have only gone up for day trips ( 70 miles away).  I'm seriously thinking about spending the night this week as she has asked me or I'm sure wonders why I've not as i use to all the time . I've not felt comfortable or that I'm emotionally ready for him to be rude to me again but now I'm so much better for her sake I think i can handle it . My real concern is that she is so out going now she is sitting in a recliner all day with this little one that nurses all the time except for small 10-15 "snaps" right on pillow next to her . She can't really call anyone as her minutes are not free till after 7 and weekends but that is when he is home so reading between the lines , before baby and after the big wedding reception mess , she doesn't call home unless in car and not in front of him. We use to talk everyday on her way home from work but that is when she was taking care of her phone bill so if she went over it didn't' matter but now he is doing it and her last bill was 30.00 over ( as I'm sure because she was calling me prior to her free time during the week ) and he had a fit over the 30.00.  So now she text me all the  time and I don't' have free text so mine is really going over but I just don't want to not hear from her at all , as it is the only time we talk to each other is when I'm there and that is so hard for both of us as she will say she misses hearing my voice and we need to set a time for calling but with the baby she has her hands full and a DH that is controlling her and especially contact with us . So I feel lost as to how to be supportive and not to lose contact with her but not talking to each other is hard on both of us . We have agreed we hate emailing and texting but I'm stuck as to what I can do . I don't' want to do anything that will make a problem between them but hate seeing my DD being taken over by a controlling DH.
13
Now to answer this you might have to read post about controlling SIL.  Now I wonder if I should talk to DD about our feelings , that we are always there for her and will be but that if she feels we are not involved as much is because we feel we only need to come visit when called , we don't plan to interrupt their plans at anytime and anytime they want to come home to visit they r always welcome. I know the two of us are so close and we can read each other like a book , in person and on the phone so she already knows there is something not right as she has already asked me but i said not things are fine , She is missing her mom as she wanted to see more of me , so poor thing is texting and emailing me all  the time since the baby's birth 2 weeks ago. I did go spend the day with her last week , I just couldn't bring myself to spend the night as i was afraid I'd cry if he said anything to hurt my feelings to sensitive right now . he was at work except for lunch. I wanted to talk to her last week but she was so tired and the baby has been so fussy with gas so it was not a good time . His tone , words and body language are loud and clear he doesn't want us there  and of course we don't 'talk on the phone when he is home so now with him at work during the day I do hope we can . I want her to know we will always be here for her regardless. I don't know whether to have a heart to heart with her not sure she will discuss it with him as he is not too much on discussing emotions , he puts up a wall and we cant get close ( he use to be warmer prior to the wedding) . I don't want her to worry about us but to enjoy this new bundle of joy as they grow up so fast and we don't want her to miss any of it so rocking the boat is not our goal but hiding things from her is very hard. ( and vice versa) Ok women have at it , you are helping me so much , I can't believe how much better I'm feeling , that sick feeling is getting better. ( it was a good diet though , I lost 5 pounds in 5 days)
14
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / controlling sil
February 11, 2012, 07:22:34 AM
We have been just devastated by how much this sil has changed from prior to wedding 10/11 to now. They dated for 5 years prior, he was very quiet at first but then opened up and seemed to fit right in. Everything was fine until we had a school mascot come to reception to dance with daughter( we couldn't get his school to come as we wanted them to dance with each other) He got so mad at the reception , husband tried to apologize then and at Thanksgiving he was not accepting to it . He has avoided visits except for holidays and acts distance. If we don't kiss his feet or cuddle him like all his fine he will complain to her that we don't' like him , avoid him etc. So he is the victim and we are the bad guys. We are very easy going loving folks and haven't done anyting to rock his boat since . Now they just had a baby , they didn't call to let us know they were on the way , she called me afterwards and I knew we wouldn't as he had said "that will be up for discussion" ( a favorite phrase of his) .  I was devastated she didn't call but not  shock as she only calls me when on the way home from work or in the car running errands ever since the wedding no more talking to me in front of him at home . He has never thanked us for the wedding and his parents did nothing ( his mom died 11 years ago so there is the step mother problem there along with all kinds of discconnect between him , dad and brother). It was not hard to tell he didn't want us at the hospital he was cold , his rude commnets etc but yet he wanted to know why he was being avoided. Now we are just crushed. WE aer very close to our daughter but feel he is doing his best to pull her apart from her family. he wants her to quit work , she has a good job and I hope not . He is a research electrical engineer, so lots of traits of engineers are there for sure . We have been so upset and concerned since the wedding ( not really healed from that ) and now this that we are now going to counseling to see how and what to do . Celebrations with him are not happy but painful.  Please let me know if anyone has something close to this and how you handled it .