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Merry After Christmas:  Agree with the day after being a very special day.  I wrote you a couple years ago after leaving my life behind and moving into my mothers house.  Fast forward:  I am still living in, what is now, my house which I inherited after my mom passed in 2014.  My divorce was finalized a year and a half ago, and my ex has plunged into a deep, dark depression.  Our three AC live within a mile of him, but are having less and less contact with him, as he is isolating everyone around him.

I have slowly reestablished a relationship with my two AD's and AS, by making contact via texting, emails and cards.  I babysit my grandsons, and occasionally am allowed to have them at my house to spend a few hours if my new love is not here.  My AC keep me at arms length, never asking me how or what I am doing.  Everything is generic.  They obviously don't approve of my new life and new love, and it does cause conflict with my new relationship.  I am grateful for every minute of involvement I have in their lives.

So here is my question:  My ex is suffering from depression, which he was dealing with before the divorce, but now has plummeted deeper into this terrible illness.  I shoulder a lot of guilt for leaving him, and the consequences of how it has affected my family.  I would like to help him, or at least talk with him, but he is very angry.  I texted him a Christmas greeting wishing him a peaceful day, and his response was, "there is no peace in this world, maybe the next, we can only hope".  Is there anything I can do to help him, or help my AC dealing with him?  Should I even contact him?  I have asked my AC how he is doing, but they are very hesitant to say too much to me.  I see the hurt in their faces if the subject is broached.  So I am very careful when and what I ask. 

My AC will never accept my new life so long as their father is unhappy!

Hello All:  Well my mom passed on June 28th.  I had asked for your input as to whether I should contact my AC and let them know their Grandmother was dying.  You overwhelmingly encouraged me to let them know so they could make their own decision whether to visit her one last time.  Thank you...I did just that.  Out of my three AC, my ODD immediately texted me set up a time for the next day to come visit her.  She was visibly upset after spending an hour or so holding her GM's hand, but she was still very distant to me.  I live next door to my sister who was taking care of mom, so I watched my DD's two young sons while she said her good byes to GM.  My YDD texted me two nights later with a simple message that she is upset but knows GM is now with GF.  Never heard from DS.

We did not hold a service for mom as per her wishes.  I am glad for that, as I don't think I could handle the grief I feel for the lose of mom, and the animosity my family holds towards me all in one room.  My therapist tells my AC are angry because they are now responsible for the welfare of their father and I am free.  I am sure she is right about that, but like I have read from so many other mother's, we devoted a major part, and probably best part of our short lives in raising our children, teaching them values and morals, work ethic, and godliness, only to have them judge and turn their backs on us.  For as mad as my addictive sister makes me, I always seem to forgive her and attempt to rekindle a sisterly relationship.  How can my AC carry such a grudge for so long? 

I am so glad I have this group of wonderful wise women.  I agree, just writing it down seems therapeutic.   

 

In my past posts I have written about how unaccepting  my AC have been where I am concerned.  When I do see them, it is on their terms, like me driving one of them to the doctor, or baby sitting (which I love), but it always comes in the form of them needing my help.  I have told them I will always be here for them and will do what I can when I can.  They never ask me how I am doing or feeling, it simply is me asking them standard questions and them answering them.  I try to engage them in conversations, but to no avail. 

Well, their GM, my DM is in end stage dementia.  She has been moved home to my sisters to be taken care of until she passes.  None of my AC have asked how Grandma is doing, not one word....and she was a big part of their growing up years.  They live 7 miles away and have made no attempt to see her.  It hurts me to think they are so callous towards their dying grandma.  So my question is, do I call or text them to tell them that their GM  has been given a 1 to 2 week life expectancy, or just wait till she passes and let them know then?  We have decided there will be no calling hours, or service because of the splintering of not only my family but extended family.  Isn't it sad that this is what it comes to? 

We all make choices, and I guess we have to accept the consequences of our choices.

Thanks for listening..

 :(Hello again:  I find that I am the most lonely on Sunday evenings.  This is when all the chattering monkeys start coming out to bother me.  I have told you about my situation.  In process of this on going divorce, my XH has used my AC as his crutch, venting, looking for sympathy, and even living with my 2DD for 4 months because he couldn't stand to be in the house alone.  Threatening to go out back and throw a rope over a tree branch and ending it, so no one had to be bothered with him.  He has laid a terrible burden and responsibility on both my DD's, but mostly, my 2DD.  Consequently, she has had little contact with me for the last year, and my DS who is partners with his father on the dairy,  the same

   A few weeks ago, I asked my 2DD if I could have my DGS to celebrate his sixth birthday, and she let me.  I had a glorious six hours with him and when I returned him to his home, I spent another 3 hours with my 2DD and my other GS.  I gave the boys baths, got their pj's on, and my DD made me a cup of tea.  I felt so happy driving home.  She even texted me later to tell me my GS conquered the puzzle I gave him.  Then, again, I stopped hearing from her, and after several text's, I asked my DSIL if he could tell me what happened.  This  DSIL is married to my oldest DD and is the one who has stuck by me through all of this.  He said he knew my XH discussed my divorce proposal with all three of my AC and he was mad, and his reaction spilled over onto them.  He then took my 2DD to his attorney to counter offer.

When I found out he had involved my 2DD in our divorce proceedings, I was not only angry, but hurt that he would stoop so low, since she is 8.5 months pregnant.  So now what?  I send her a text about every 5 days asking her how she is feeling and to let me know if there is anything I can do for her now, or after the baby is born.  Of course, no response.  I  have not involved my AC in this divorce, and tried to be kind and loving to all three of my AC, through small notes, texts, or an occasional phone call where I end up leaving a voice message, and all with no response from them.

I know I am suppose to just go on living my life without my AC, but not being involved with my DGS's (4, all under the age of 6 and baby on the way) is gut wrenching.   My DGS's have great parents, so I don't have to worry about their well being, so that is one consolation.  But I am constantly looking for ways to break through.  I guess I just need to be patient, wait for this divorce to be over, and hope my AC's father, accepts all of this and moves forward and finds happiness and peace.  Once that happens, maybe things will settle down, and they will start missing me, even a little. 

Any words or thoughts from all of you out their would be very appreciative.  There is so much more going on in my life that is stressful and extremely hard to handle.  I am living in my mothers house.  My mother, who has progressive Alzheimer's, is living next door with my oldest sister.  That is another long story, but bottom line, my youngest sister, who is in her 50's, has a six figure income, and is an alcoholic/drug user, spews her venom at me about every couple months, accusing me of free loading, and on and on.  She is impossible to talk to so I basically, either walk away from her, or hang up the phone on her.  I am going to an attorney this week to find out my legal rights, and to see if it possible I could buy my mothers house. 

So between being an outcast from my immediate family and dealing with my evil sister, life hasn't been a bowl of cherries this past year. 

Thanks for listening.  Anyone been in a similar situation?

   Last week, with the strength I garnered from your acceptance, understanding and advise, I decided to contact my YDD via text asking to let me take my GS for his 6th birthday to celebrate a week early.  She replied with a "yup"...wow...I picked him up at her house, and when I walked into her home, I smiled, and gave her a big hug and kiss.  She had tears in her eye's and seemed genuinely happy to see me.  She asked I bring him home by mid afternoon.  I did, but then ended up spending another three hours at her home playing with my YGS, working in her flower beds, and giving the boys a bath.  We talked about the kids, and work and really had a nice time.

Then my ODD came walking over to do heifer chores with her son and she didn't know I was their.  When she saw me she came over and my GS came running and said, "I know who you are, you are Grandma Gigi".  We talked and I helped her with the chores.

I feel like a made some progress in my relationship with my DD's, but now fear the next development in my life and their reaction.  This summer I am planning on retiring and living between my home here and my friend's home 500 miles away.  I plan on going back and forth at will.  I have never been a free bird, making decisions day by day, doing what seems right at that given moment. 

How do I tell them my plans?  Or do I?  I have mulled it over and over in my head, what is the best way of dealing with this, and come up blank.  I guess I know that regardless of what I say and do, they will be upset and we will all take a step backwards.  Help!!

Has anyone dealt with this and how did you cope?
I am in the midst of a divorce from my husband of over 36 years.  I have 2 DD and 1 DS, all in their 30's.  Both DD's are married and have 2 little boys and one on the way.  My DS has a live in girlfriend.  All live within a mile of our farm.  I have been the glue that held our family together, with little help from my x.  I have loved and done for my children unconditionally for their whole life.  I lived upstairs of my x's parents for the first 16 years of our marriage and shared a bathroom, while we worked and built the farm to where it is today, a" Dairy of Distinction".  A very difficult situation, but I survived it.  I have been unhappy for years, asking my x that we needed to work on our marriage, only to have him say he didn't do anything wrong, and he wasn't interested in pursuing counseling.   So, I gave up.  The pressures of my husbands uninterest in me,  the farm, my FT job, my kids and their spouses and the death of my father took me to the edge and I knew I needed to make a change for my own sanity.  I discovered life is short and decided that only me could make me happy. 
So one year ago, I told my family I was leaving, moving into my mothers home (10 miles away) to take care of her as she has Alzheimer's. My mom stayed in her home for the first three months I lived with her until she was placed in an assisted living facility.  That in itself was extremely stressful in a whole new way.  Since she has gone, I have continued to live in her house, and am now in the process of buying it. 
My children have pretty much ignored me for the past year.  I have, on occasion, seen my darling little GC, and they love me totally, but it has been very sporadic.  I must say things that irritate my DD's because when I think we have turned a corner, I won't hear from them for a couple months.  I have tried to show only love, through texts and cards and an occasional letter.  Last summer both my daughters came to my home and screamed at me, calling me terrible names and asked me how I could do this to their father.  They never once asked me about me and why motivated my move.   I have since started dating a wonderful, caring man, and that has really put a road block between us, but I just turned 60 and know that I need to grasp happiness now.  He lives 500 miles away, and we are planning on living between both homes.
My birthday was Sunday and I was not acknowledged at all...it hurts....Can you please tell me if there is anything I can do to at least see my GC.....I never expected them to turn on me like this.
I could tell you all sorts of stories and examples, but basically it boils down to lots of hurt, confusion and trying to cope.  I am currently seeing a wonderful counselor, and she tells me to just hang in their....