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Haha!  So true!

Rosa is a beauty!  So glad to hear that she is doing well after her injury.  I have a friend who has a Corgi and she is the sweetest thing!

Well, I guess I am starting to feel a bit dumb about myself!  But, I am always learning and I thank everyone for their opinion.  That's all I wanted.

Things had escalated and I got angry and wrote my rambling diatribe. ODD has been very sympathetic, but can't think of any advice to offer, and neither can DF.   

I am thinking that offering help might seem pushy to her right now.  When she was younger, she was a competitive figure skater.  It is all that she wanted to be.  I had to be responsible for ice time, coaches, skate sharpening, ballet, strength training, competitions, testing and on and on (I had to be then; she wasn't old enough to drive) .  When she quit skating after seven years, she didn't know what to do with herself and told me that she missed having me take care of her life and all the details!  I told her that she had to figure out what she wanted to do on her own.  She accused me of not caring!  So maybe that is some more insight to how we got so entwined in each other's expectations of how we should act.

Thank you, Grammie! 

I have a little deaf Dalmatian puppy right now and she is a handful!  I wish I had her energy!   

I also have four seniors.   Most of the ones lately that I have taken are seniors.  Most have settled down and just want some love and a soft bed to lay on (it takes 10  years for Dalmatians to settle down!).   

I can't imagine life without a Dallie in it anymore!

Herbalscapes: ouch!  Haha!  Don't worry, point well taken!

I went back and read what I wrote and yes, it wandered all over and was whiney.  Let me say it better.

No, I am not bragging that they are such good kids.  I am sure I didn't do any exemplary parenting job.  I was just blessed with easy kids.  I would never guess that DD would get distant.

I am worried because she IS distant.  She doesn't seem like the same kid.  If I ask to help, she is curt and usually explains that FSIL's family are doing it.  I won't lie; it hurts.  It just seems like I am suddenly cut out of everything.  I offered to make her dress and do the flowers because I don't have much cash to give right now.  (As an artist, it is often feast or famine with money!)  I used to have my own sewing business, so offering to sew a dress was no biggy.  Her big concern was, "What if FMIL wants to buy me a dress?'"

I gave her a set of dishes that I had, but she is returning them because FMIL gave her a set of used dishes.  I offered my van to help her move, but FMIL has already given them her van to use.

The destination wedding was a huge mistake on my part.  We were looking at it on the computer and her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.  She seemed like she wanted it, but then came back a week later angry that i had suggested it.  Of course FSIL's parents would have been part of it and anyone else that could make the drive.  I was only trying to help her find a romantic place I could help with because every single place we looked at was far too expensive.  Yes, I know that she certainly could have the wedding in a park or the local fire hall, but she insists on "romance".   I know the wedding planner didn't look into things because I finally  told her to call and find out.   And the roof is a worry because i don't want to be sued or shut doen for safety violations.  No one, including the planner, seems to understand that if you put tables, chairs and people on succulent plants, that they are going to get torn up and someone just wasted a lot of money on plants!

I don't care how much money the other family has, I was just stating that they are not rich.  It isn't my business, but yes, i am guilty of idling wondering how some people afford things, but I don't dwell on it.  I was sad because they took her somewhere and when I offered to take FSIL on a little trip, they weren't interested.

As for all of the boys being "a work in progress" I just feel sad that she doesn't have someone that is all about supporting her!  FSIL seems a lot better in that department, so maybe she won't end up all drained and used up like she was from the others.  It is her life....I am not arguing that....I just hope the best for her.

And finally, the thing lurking in my brain is how I ended up with my own mother.  We had a disagreement that somehow changed our relationship.  I was always the one to call on holidays and one year, I didn't, just to see if she would call me.  She didn't and basically never called me again and sort of quietly eased out of a most of my life.  She lived 1,400 miles from me, but lived across the street from my sister, (who wouldn't speak to me for 18 years and no one knew why) so i don't know if my sister had anything to do with it.  I tried hard not to let my little family turn dysfunctional, because there weren't the best examples in our lives.   I don't want to make the same mistake with my own child.  I do worry about turning the other cheek and having it seen by DD as not caring, like my own mother.

Good for you!  Glad it worked!  I can understand why your son wanted to laugh!

I saw an older post here about the benefit of unconditional animal love and I had to put in my two cents!  It's true!

I have always loved animals, but through a twist of fate, I became a volunteer with two Dalmatian rescues.  There is a rescue for just about any breed of dog and, of course, there are cat rescues, too.

I have met an amazing bunch of (mostly) women, who go out of their way to rescue a dog.  All but one of the precious dogs who found their way into my home have been abused or neglected.  It is an amazing thing to watch a dog with a broken spirit to suddenly realize that they are not going to be beaten any more.  Believe me, they know that they have been rescued!  The unconditional love that they give knows no bounds.  They are always happy to see me, they always want to be next to me and they'd probably lay down theirs lives to protect me.

Whatever love I didn't get in my life, well, all i can say is that the dogs made up for it! 

I am hearing what I need to hear!  I know in my heart that I should just keep my mouth shut.  I just have to tell my head that!  I was pushed around when I was younger and I regret not speaking up for myself then.  There is always that feeling that I can't stand by and watch someone take advantage, hurt or ignore me, as in the case if FMIL.

Doe, you are right! They were always so much of my life, there has never been a place of my own.

Pam, that's a great idea!   

Luise, Yes, spending money you don't have IS all about them.  I love your stories!  I'll bet you have some great ones!  And, as someone who likes needlework, I bet those towels were lovely!

I hope these problems don't seem too trivial.  I guess I have a secret fear of YDD easing out of my life as others here have.

Thanks , Luise!  That is quite a story!  Yikes!  A car and silver and all! 

The thing is, FMIL doesn't have a lot of money....I am actually not sure how they can afford all these trips to Disney World.  I believe that it was mentioned that her current husband only recently got a job.

Oh, and let me just say that when we were discussing the roof and the FMIL, i did not sound as cynical as I sound here!  I was restrained.  I was just pointing out that she might be responsible for the plants dying or is there a danger of some person drinking too much and falling off the roof!  I guess I am taking out some anger!

I have lurking around and finally decided to post.  My story is not as heartbreaking as most, but I need advice so it never gets worse.  It actually is two categories, adult daughter and FMIL, but it mostly has to do with YDD.

I have been a widow for many years.  I have three children, a son and two daughters.  They are the joy of my life!  They don't smoke, take drugs or drink excessively.  They all have worked hard and purchased their own college or trade educations, cars and insurance.  When they were young, I was able to give them music, dance and figure skating lessons and camping trips.  Thankfully, it wasn't the worst life for them.

I almost remarried once, but decided against it.  We ended up sharing our present house together and live platonically, which suits me fine.  I'll call him "DF" (friend).

YDD has always been like a little soul mate, finishing each other's sentences, laughing at the same things, etc.  When she was small, she would sneak into my bed and give me kisses and tuck me in.  If I was more than five minutes late picking her up, she would be crying, fearful that I would die and never return.  Once, the two of us drove across the country together, laughing and joking all of the way.

Anyway, YDD wants to get married.  First, let me explain about her and her boyfriends.  Every single boy has been a "project"; they all have something that she is going to fix.  Of course she never admits this, but that is the pattern.  Number one was a compulsive spender and deeply in debt.  Number two had just gotten out of jail for running a meth lab.  Number three had been terribly abused by his parents and sexually molested by a family friend.   Number four was an art teacher that was a train wreck pothead.  That one ended abruptly and badly and quickly ushered in number five.  Within an extremely short time, she was going to marry him (Not like her...she has always carefully weighed in on marriage.)  He is not without drama; his father used to burn him with cigarettes.   I am wondering if the old biological has started ticking loudly, as she is 27.  He has only just turned 22.  She is always the big cheerleader.

YDD is now a model and is just beautiful.  She is charming and polite, too.  I am always amazed at the speed at which all these boys' parents have pushed their sons on her.   Every mother was ready for her son to marry YDD!  But the FMIL wins the prize, but more of that in a minute.

YDD and I started planning the wedding.  Right now, I don't have too much money to put toward it  We discussed having it in the back yard, but she thought that wasn't special enough.  About that time, an event planner that she had modeled for told her, that as a favor, he was going to be her wedding planner for free.   Frankly, there will only be maybe 35 people at this wedding and I don't think she needs a planner, but I kept my mouth shut, pretty much!  We don't have any family that will be able to come.  They are all too old, too sick, dead or estranged.

In trying to find a place for this wedding that is cheap and special enough for her, I suggested a place in the state she was born in.  It is just so unique with drop dead gorgeous photo ops.  And it was dirt cheap!  I told her that I could pay for a destination wedding in that state and when she came back home she could have a big party for everyone else, since the FMIL wants all these people at the wedding and balked about cutting the list.  I told her that if there was a place that she had her heart set on that was more expensive, I would always try to get the money for her.  Well, she somehow took that as me saying that if there was a more expensive place out of state that I wanted, I would pay more!  We had some argument, and she wouldn't listen to me trying to explain what I said.  Then she went and told everyone that I would pay more money if it was where I wanted it to be!

When I tried to give her suggestions of local places, I was told I had to go through the wedding planner directly and not tell her.  I know that he never looked at any of them.  He suggested the roof of a building downtown.  Sounds, cool, right?  No, the roof is covered in gravel and tiny succulent plants.  Covered, as in everywhere.  Also, there is no railing and it is four floors up.  There isn't any cover if it rains, it is very narrow and there is no refrigeration for food.  Guess who will be stuck dragging a hundred ice chests upstairs?  It faces the back of a hotel with big industrial fans humming constantly and a busy parking garage.  So we got into an argument about the roof and I think this is part of the problem.  She downloaded a picture of some roof in a big city and I think she thinks the tiny roof can be magically transformed into NYC.  I think she is leaning toward the roof and doesn't want to tell me.  Well, so be it, but I have the feeling she is going to be disappointed.

Enter the FMIL.  I met her on Mother's Day.  DF and kids always take me out to a brunch and at last minute, FSIL's parents were added.  We arrived first and I told everyone to sit on one side of the table so when they arrived, we could easily converse.  FMIL sat as far away from as possible, so we never talked until she moved closer, just before we were going to leave.  She seemed frantic about the wedding and was going to have an engagement party for people who wouldn't be invited to the wedding!  Since i didn't now her well enough to say that that was tacky, I offered to bake a big cake (I am an artist and I am into a lot of stuff like cake decorating, too.  I am also sewing the wedding gown and doing the flowers).  When I got home, i wrote to her on Facebook and invited her to our house or to go out for coffee and discuss the wedding.  She blew me off and never answered.  So, I commented on her posts on Facebook, but there was nothing back.  FMIL practically stalks YDD's Facebook page, just gushing about how YDD is HER daughter and YDD is so perfect for her son and all this junk.  So I posted an adorable photo of YDD, when she was tiny, on her page, just to see if FMIL would comment.  Nothing.  FMIL whisked YDD off to Disney World (she one of those people obsessed with Disney World) and had the engagement party there, where we couldn't be invited. 

Now FMIL has arranged to move them into their first apartment together and I am no allowed to help.  They are constantly staying overnight at her house and I barely get to see them and we all live equal distance apart.  She has offered to pay for a reception at the place she picked without any flack like I took.  I have had about enough of her.  When I asked YDD why FMIL doesn't like me, so I could repair the damage, YDD says that it is in my head and of course she likes me.  Who knows if the marriage will last, but if they have a child together, FMIL will be a thorn in my side for the rest of my life! 

Help!  I have always spoken my mind and yes, sometimes too much.  I have a hard time pretending that I am happy when I am hurt and YDD has always been able to read me like a book.  How do you all cope?  What should I say?  Do I have to keep quiet when FMIL gets everything she wants?  I don't want to lose my daughter!