My daughter suffers from bipolar syndrome; her symptoms were kept under reasonable control while she was taking the drug Zoloft, but she discontinued its use some months ago and her life has taken a big turn for the worse. During her last big fight with me, over my lecture regarding her continuous use of marijuana, particularly when driving her child and those of her friends since I viewed her irresponsibility as a recipe for disaster. She was furious with me, lashed out into a hysterical tirade and insisted that I would no longer see my grandson. For years, the lad had spend 2 weekends a month with my husband and I because my daughter was experiencing child care problems and we formed a deep and mutual bond of affection. I haven't seen my grandson in 8 years. My daughter is imaginatively vindictive and wrote letters to both of my sisters, outlining my faults and claiming that I had been verbally abusive towards them, behind their backs. Fortunately, my sister are aware of my daughter's flights of fancy; gross exaggerations and outright libel so they paid little attention to the diatribes, nasty tho' they were.
After several month of my daughter's, frankly, insane behavior, her husband, a recovering alcoholic, fell of the wagon after 16 years of sobriety. My daughter robbed him of his inheritance so that she could move into a new home of her own, along with their teenage son. She wasted no time in beginning to alienate and brainwash the boy despite the fact his father is one of the finest men and invested fathers that I've ever met. My daughter had also begun beating her husband; kicking him, throwing things at him and several times hitting him over the head with various objects. She has also contacted several of his relatives to spread slander.
I feel guilty for my lack of love for my daughter but she has been so vicious in her attacks against me and so cruel in keeping our grandson from us when it's damaging to all involved that i'm unwilling to provide any support towards her. In fact, all my sympathy and support is for the good man that she's deserted. He has phoned several times and both my husband and I have been not only supportive but have related some damaging situations from our daughter's past that will help in his future lawsuit. A mother's love DOES NOT last forever. After enough damage, all relationships can founder.
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I'm so sorry you have been on such a long and painful journey. What it came to where my eldest son was concerned, was I never stopped loving him but I no longer liked him. We all have different ways of holding an impasse that is sometimes thrown down like a gauntlet. Most of all, what I discovered, eventually, was my commitment to myself and my own well being. That's not something I'm letting an antagonistic person take charge of, related or not. The way i see it, abuse is never acceptable where there is self respect.
Please know that we are here to listen (read) and we care. Hugs...
C, welcome to the site. You've probably already read through previous posts by loving parents who have been through what you're dealing with. A little support and knowing you're not alone can help a lot!
Mental health is such a huge issue these days. I wish the medical profession could do more, and I wish that there was a way to convince patients to take their meds! My DD needs help, too. I understand your heartache.
Dear Pen,
You are very correct in stating that support helps a lot. Regardless of my daughter's diagnosis of bipolar syndrome, I still feel that I could/should have done more to maintain that relationship. The problem is, that pandering to abuse only enables more of the same; at least that was the result with my daughter and me. She has alienated her entire family, maternal and paternal so that she is left with no support during her recent separation from her husband. I no longer love the woman but it saddens me to see my grandson embroiled in the drama that's taking place, with no recourse to his loving grandparents.
Your words of support and Luisa's recommendation of looking after my own well-being have done me a lot of good; I thank you both.
What is DD? I was unable to locate a legend for some of the abbreviations here.
All the best,
CDNgranny
C., our HomePage has posts to help you navigate WWU. You will find that DD, DS, DH are Dear Daughter, Dear Son and Dear Husband. Please also read our Forum Agreement. Thanks so much.
Hi CDN,
Welcome to WWU. My heart hurts for your difficult situation. As far as the guilt goes for not having done more to keep the relationship going with your daughter, there comes a point when you don't take abusive treatment. It is a boundary that you aren't going to cross for your own mental health. You call it what it is and refuse to engage. We teach people how we want to be treated. I say good for you for protecting yourself. As far as the situation with your son-in-law goes, it's commendable that you are offering emotional support to him. The person who is losing out the most is your grandson. Hold him in your heart; you may have a relationship with him again. Grandkids grow up eventually and make their own choices about who to spend time with and often see things with different eyes than they did when they were young. As for you, Luise made a great point about taking charge of your own emotional well-being. I would try to create emotional distance from your daughter and her issues, and refocus your time and energy on things that bring you joy and meaning. There is a good life apart from the behavior, character and choices of our adult children.
Dear Bamboo,
I'm very grateful for your wise and supportive comments; looks like you have some psychology courses behind your belt. I spoke to my son-in-law again last night; he claims that he still loves my daughter and it's obvious that he's suffering her loss as well as the greater loss of their son. My daughter has now threatened to withhold access to their son in one of her oh-so-familiar blackmailing moves. My son-in-law is broke, obviously because he was denuded of all he possessed by my manipulative, scheming and highly intelligent daughter. I offered to give (not loan), him whatever it took to defend himself in court in the absolute belief that he is the better parent. Dang, this whole situation reads like a soap opera, does it not?
The bottom line, as you say, is to protect myself and my husband (he has a triple bypass in his not so recent past), who are undeserving of this dramatic nonsense. Your belief in my grandson making his own choices about hubby and me has really lifted my spirits. The boy, like his parents, is highly intelligent and may well decide to reengage with his grandparents. Grandpa taught him how to skate, ride a bike, build a bird house, so much more, while I spend hours and hours with him, playing games, baking cookies and just talking.
I am so grateful for having found this site! There is no substitute for flat-out common sense.
Hi CDNGranny,
Your comments made me smile, because any wisdom I may have acquired in this journey as a mother came not from the numerous psych classes I had, but rather from the school of hard knocks, friends and family (and even kind acquaintances), and the many caring folks here at WWU. Check out the archives and you will find many stories that resonate, and pearls of wisdom and insight that women have gleaned along their journeys. Some of the lessons I've learned have become mantras for me, and I repeat them when I get stuck in anger or self-pity. I have copied some of my favorites into a journal and review them from time to time. Sure sounds like you built a treasure trove of memories with your grandson, and no one can take those away from you or him.
HUGS :)
Welcome. Glad you found us but sorry you had to. The lovely Ladies here have given you very wise advice. Protecting our own sanity ends up being the end game for many of us here. I made a conscious decision 3 years ago, to eliminate the drama my relationship with my Son was causing (it was DIL but Son sat back and did nothing, so both of them). Since then, yes...I still wish it could be different but nothing has changed except I was able to move on in my own life and realize that I matter too.
Yes! ;D