WiseWomenUnite.com

Quote from: JaneF on November 19, 2012, 08:57:09 PM
I just don't understand why it has to be that way when there could be a tiny bit of compromise by all involved.  I guess some folks are able to be fair and reasonable and kind, while others do not have the ability.

It is a mystery to me too! Why do some children grow up to be the kind we write about here while their siblings are normal caring individuals able to consider the feelings and needs of others? Why does a child start out as the perfect child and morph into someone we've never met before, seemingly overnight?  How can a spouse have so much influence that a lifetime of love and support is forgotten?  These are questions we'll never have an answer to. It is what it is!  Learning to let go of our expectations and dreams is very difficult.  I had always hoped that DS would come around and see the error of his ways but I have let go of that too.  I have not not seen him or my GC or heard from him in almost 6 months.  I ran into DIL in the store and the hate for me in her voice was stronger than ever.  I politely said hello and kept on walking.  Yes, finding a new focus for your love and generosity is what helps in the healing.  But we have to be careful that we don't over compensate with the "good" child.  They know about the issues with the other child and don't want regular updates and they don't want to be smothered either.  It's a fine line to walk.  My outside focus is my job as a school bus driver.  I try to be kind and patient and willing to listen to what the children have to say.  I have driven for 17 years and recently have developed a greater appreciation for the trust and affection of the children who ride with me every day.  I still have a long way to go but at least I'm moving forward! 

Your situation sounds complex. Perhaps you should consult an attorney before you move forward.  If you financed the loan and they are not making payments maybe you could foreclose and get the house back.  What you suggest with gifting could destroy them financially along with any chance of reconciliation down the road.  I know you hurt and are angry but there are better ways to feel empowered.  Some of us have drawn new Wills omitting estranged children.  But that is not permanent and can be changed at any time prior to our death. 

Right there with you.  Mine wasn't an entire house but a downpayment on one and a college education paid in full.  Good thing I scoffed at his suggestion to "Gift" him an inheritance to avoid estate taxes. 

Deltadawn, Sorry to hear that things are going poorly with your DD. Have you tried blocking her on FB?  My issue with DS is ignoring. He just refuses to communicate with me at all.  I got tired of feeling like he was monitoring my posts to feed his paranoia that I'm sending him messages. I also got tired of seeing updates on how wonderful his life is going so I blocked him, DIL and her family from both mine and DH accts.  I must say, it has been nice to finally feel free to post whatever I want without it being misinterpreted used against me.  They can't see any of my posts on the pages of mutual friends either and cannot find my profile in a search.  Sweet!!  DS has tried to state his case to other family members and they have tried to reason with him on my behalf.  I finally asked them to stop.  We just don't discuss him any longer.  None of it makes sense but it is what it is.  Love those who treat you right and pray for those who don't. 

DivaGirl....I would suggest that you explain to your DM the behaviors that you are dealing with the next day and ask her to please not allow DD to have TV on at bedtime or you will have to suspend sleepovers until DD is a little older.  Perhaps daytime visits are a better choice right now.  Take a couple months off then try again.  Your DD will eventually grow out of it.

Diva girl,  If you have that much trouble getting your daughter to go to bed perhaps your DM is having the same difficulty and is doing the best she can.  If DD won't go to sleep your DM can't make her go to sleep anymore than she can make you go to sleep.  Sounds like she is doing what works for her.  Maybe less frequent overnight stays is the way to go for now until DD learns that bedtime means time to go to sleep.  You want GM visits to be pleasant for DD and GM alike.  It sounds like it's a challenge for both. 

I agree that your Ps should try to follow a schedule closer to what you do at home.  How old is DD?  Does she spend the night often?  I look back on my years of raising children and a family member allowing them to stay up late and get off schedule, although irritating didn't matter in the overall scheme of things.  Ten years from now you won't give it another thought. 

Well said Monroe!  PoppyMillie, You're in a tough position after investing so much time in the relationship.  Good luck to you.

Smiles I am so glad that you have seen your doctor and are getting the needed medical tests.  Hopefully it is a false alarm and all will be well with you.

Lily I can see how you would feel as you do.  My OS has not called to speak to us in almost 10 months.  He used to call right at dinner time on his way home from work.  I do miss the familiar voice on the line but you're right, what would we talk about?  My first inclination would be to give him a piece of my mind but I know that would not be helpful.  He called his DF on his birthday and left a message on his phone at work ending with "love you".  But he has lied so many times about so many things the words have no meaning any longer.  No effort to prove that the words are anything but habit.  Scoop is right though.  At least he calls and is putting forth the effort.   Even  if it isn't the relationship you hoped for it is the relationship you have.  I'm not so sure you would feel the same about a clean break if it actually happened, not a good position to be in.

Pen-Indeed a great post.  I was a bit worried about Thanksgiving this year because YS has to work and OS won't speak to us.  Our regular family gathering at BILs home would be uncomfortable at best with OS anf family in attendance.  Sister in law came to the rescue and decided that OS will not be invited so DH and I can enjoy our time with the rest of the family.  She said OS can find another place to go.  We really do appreciate the support.  For Christmas we'll mail Savings Bond gift certificates to the GC and be done with it.  Then we hop a plane to board a ship on the 23rd of Dec. This is one Christmas I am very excited about!  YS is a Pharmacist and plans to work Christmas day, so we're off to the Carribean!  No plan to set up a tree or decorate.  I don't really like doing it so I'm not going to bother.  We'll visit ILs again around New Years.  For the first time in years I feel free!  Free to do what I want to do and not worry about accommodating someone else's schedule.  It is liberating! 

Smiles I can relate when you say it's affecting your marriage.  How can it not when you're under so much stress?  I found myself snapping at DH and being impatient with the kids on my bus.  Deciding  that you will not let your DS ruin the other areas of your life helps when you begin to doubt your chosen path of self preservation.  DS is the only one who can change his circumstances.  You worrying about it won't change anyone but you.  Hopefully DS will get it out of his system soon and both of you will have some peace.  Moving to the islands is sounding pretty darn good right now, anyplace but here works for me.

Very sad story.  I hope DD ties the advice.

My understanding too is that this is a place to vent.  Just because a person vents about a situation does not mean that they voiced an opinion to the person they disagreed with.  I know myself that I may have complained to DH or on this thread about DSs parenting styles but I did not tell DS that I disagreed.  I did however tell my GS to leave the TV and light switches alone.  They were living in my home and DS was switching them off and on repeatedly.  If the parents won't stop the activity then I will say something.  The only other time was in regard to GDs bangs.  DIL refused to cut them or clip them back.  She claimed the child pulled out hair clips.  They were so long that they hung straight down over her eyes below her mouth.  Granted her hair is fine and thin but she looked like Cousin It. I fed her a PB&J sandwich and she got PB in her hair when she bit the sandwich as she pushed the ends of her bangs in her mouth.  She was 20 months old.  I told DS that she really needed her hair cut and he said that DW refused.  DS would not challenge DWs decisions no matter how ridiculous they were.  The next time I babysat I bought soft hair clips and pulled her hair back away from her face.  She never touched the clips and they stayed in all day. When she went home that evening she was still wearing the clips.  A few days later DIL told me that the child pulled the clips out as soon as she got home.  Now can anyone honestly say that I'm the unreasonable person in this family? 

Footloose you make some excellent points.   My heart breaks for you.  Being rejected by your only child is so very unfair.