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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Dijo63 on July 25, 2011, 07:31:02 AM

Title: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Dijo63 on July 25, 2011, 07:31:02 AM
This is my first post, I desperately need some advice, if not to help my situation (if that's possible) or at the very least to help me come to terms with it.  I am mother of 3 adult children, (2 sons and a daughter) I have 2 grandsons and 1 granddaughter only 9 weeks old. Each child has one each.  My youngest son (25) is a beautiful soul, he is gentle, has a very calm nature, is a great partner to his girlfriend and a buddy wonderful new father to his new little daughter.  He has been with his partner for 2 years. He had moved to another state, after being raised by me only, to spend some time with his father, within 3 months he met his current partner and had moved in with her.  I flew over after 6 months to catch up with him and meet her, she seemed lovely and doted on him.  What more as a mother could I ask for? They decided after a year to return to our home state.  She had been raised in a very violent and abusive home and wanted to have a new start.  I paid for their relocation, flights etc.. They had been here just over 3 months and she fell pregnant.  Things changed dramatically from that moment.  She forbids my son to see his sister and young nephew.  There was no arguement, my daughter simply would not be at her beck and call.  This then extended to my neice, then me.  She vented all of her anger on a popular social page, adding derogitory comments about my family, knowing we all had access to her comments.  We all discussed not reacting to her nastiness and each time it blew over, she even told me that she would not be allowing any of my son's family to have anything to do with the baby.  She would apologise till ......the next time.  It was a long 9 months of pregancy..  She then seemed much better after the baby was born.  She then took ill unexpectedly after 2 weeks and had to have surgey.  I flew to where they lived the same night, (I live 4 hours away).  I looked after my granddaughter, bought her all that she needed, filled her food cupboards, cooked and stored meals for her return.  Upon her return home she once again commenced this attack online to her family and friends describing how horrible we all were and that no one here offered help or support to her.  Again we ignored it even though it hurt us all.  She now has sent my daughter more abuse as and told her that her daughter was too good for this family.  On my visit this last weekend she brought it up and was telling me lies over something that had been said supposedly by my daugher, against my initial annoyance, I did not fly to my daughter's defence and decided to take the higher ground.  She sent me a message after I left to say she no longer will let me see my granddaughter.. I have tried to speak to my son but he believes everything she says, he won't speak to me. 
I simply cannot do this anymore!!  I dearly love my son and my granddaughter but how much is enough.  I feel like I bite my lip all the time with her, she apologises and for my son and granddaughter I let it go.  She speaks to me with no respect when she is having a "moment", she has shouted at me so often, I am simply done.  I can't live like this anymore, I am so hurt by my son that he just allows this to go on and on.  She has disrespected his whole family in some shape or form and yet to keep the peace he says nothing.  I don't want to lose my son and granddaughter but I really believe people treat you how you let them treat you.  I have cried an ocean over this situation and feel emotionally spent.  I have been a good mother but now question if I have not done something right, my son is a good man, yet he stands by and watches and says nothing?  I would be grateful of any advice any member can offer.. I just feel so alone and battered (emotionally).
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pen on July 25, 2011, 07:40:31 AM
Welcome, Dij63. I'm glad you found this site as there are many women going through similar difficulties. You are not alone. I'm so sorry you are in pain, and I hope you find some comfort here. There's no preparing for this, is there? It can hit your family like a freight train out of nowhere. When the shock subsides you'll find ways to regain your center. Unfortunately you can't change anyone (oh, for a magic wand!) but you can change how you react to them and their shenanigans. Your life will most definitely be different than what you may have imagined, but it can still be good. In the meantime, think of one thing you can do today that is just for yourself...baby steps. Keep posting and reading!
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: luise.volta on July 25, 2011, 09:20:39 AM
Welcome - Your son can't change her. She is how she is and is probably reflecting the trauma of her upbringing. It is his to deal with and accommodate to. He has to find a way to go on, if that is his choice. You are right, to my way of thinking, to draw a line and refuse to suffer further abuse. Your function in life isn't to be her target and the recipient of her misplaced rage. You raised your son and did a great job. He is now on his own path and has to deal with the consequence of his choices. Sad but true. To my way of thinking, you were a whole person before you became a mother and you can be whole again. Your life is your own and what's next is to let go, heal and move on. Sending love...
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: amflautist on July 25, 2011, 10:57:50 AM
Quote from: Dijo63 on July 25, 2011, 07:31:02 AM
My youngest son (25) is a beautiful soul, he is gentle, has a very calm nature, is a great partner to his girlfriend and a buddy wonderful new father to his new little daughter.  He has been with his partner for 2 years.

..........  I have tried to speak to my son but he believes everything she says, he won't speak to me.  I simply cannot do this anymore!!  I dearly love my son and my granddaughter but how much is enough.   

...........  I have cried an ocean over this situation and feel emotionally spent.  I have been a good mother but now question if I have not done something right, my son is a good man, yet he stands by and watches and says nothing?  I would be grateful of any advice any member can offer.. I just feel so alone and battered (emotionally).

Dear Dijo63,  So much of what you say hits me in the solar plexus.  My situation is very similar, with the exception that there is no child involved.  I know I was a good -- very good -- mother.  My son, like yours, is also a caring, nurturing soul.   But my DIL will have nothing to do with me.  I too have cried rivers and oceans until I am exhausted.  I have campaigned, tried to woo my DIL with gifts and flowers, etc.  I get nothing from her.  She ignores everything I do. 

I have come to the conclusion that I can do nothing to change her mind, nothing to fix it.  My son used to be at wit's end.  He used to cry when he tried to get us together.  We have come to an unspoken understanding that he will contact us when she is out of town, and we have been lucky that he is able to visit us in our home once or twice a year while passing through on business trips.  I now fully understand that only DIL can change this, and I see that at the present time she doesn't want to.

How do our precious caring sons get themselves into these situations?  And do they (a) just stick it out trying to keep the peace at home, or do they (b) occasionally give it up and leave?  After reading so many stories here, I am quite sure that (a) is a lot more likely.

After nearly a year of crying, I finally learned to hold my head up and quit trying to have a relationship with DIL.  I find that my son is a lot happier now that interactions between his parents and his DW are off the table.  On those occasions when he calls or comes home to visit, without DIL, we do not discuss DIL at all.  Nothing.  Nada.  It is simpler that way. 

You will not lose your son if you can avoid backing him into a corner where he is forced to take sides or to protect his wife.  That's where things stand with us anyway.  I think it possible that things for you could evolve to a place where you will see your DS's happy face and hear his happy voice when you do connect. 

You are not alone.  We are all struggling with unfair circumstances where someone else holds the cards.  I honestly believe that if you can give up your wish to have a relationship with DIL and GD, your son will come home to your heart.  Mine did.



Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Rejected on July 25, 2011, 12:00:17 PM
I don't have a whole lot of advice to offer you except to stop helping them financially. Maybe your DS's GF thinks you may hold it over their heads. I'm not saying you do at all because you sound like a sweet person that's only trying to help. But if your DS's GF was raised this way, having things held over her head(which is usual in abusive homes), then she's going to apply this lesson that she's learned to those that do lots of favors for them. Does that make sense? It's just an idea. I know you are only trying to help, but they chose to bring a family into this world and they need to support themselves, even if it means going without until they can manage their own finances. Now I'm not saying you can't spoil your GC ;)  but stocking their cupboards with food and paying for them to move are big purchases.
I think your DS's GF needs some counseling because she sounds as though she has some childhood issues that need to be resolved, however, your DS or his GF need to recognize this themselves without a word from you. I would back away from the situation and focus on yourself for a while. Let your DS know that you are always there for him if he needs you, but that need to get back to living your own life, and then step back. Do something for yourself each day!
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: tryingmybest on July 25, 2011, 12:36:11 PM
Agree 100%. I would do this. Talk to your son with love, say you can see the family is causing his wife stress, and in order to make life easier for her you think it is best to cut off any effort for contact. Tell him you love him, and your door is always open. This takes any diversion off the table. Your son will see the truth soon enough. Hide her FB posts and don't look at them. He made the decision to marry her and he has to live with the consequences of his choice.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pooh on July 25, 2011, 02:09:36 PM
Welcome Dijo.  Please take a moment, if you haven't already to read our Forum Agreement.  We ask all new members to do this.  Nothing at all wrong with what you wrote.

The ladies have given you excellent advice.  It's so hurtful, but you can only do what feels right for you.  Seems to be a common trend here that the Sons sit idley by.  Hang in there.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: lancaster lady on July 25, 2011, 02:49:44 PM
hello Dijo and welcome ......

This line in your post really stood out to me ... I really believe people treat you how you let them treat you.
My opinion is , either you detach with love ...or you stand up to your abuser .
I feel we reach this stage in our lives, we deserve some respect and why not ?
Our sons tend to stay in the middle , and always but always protect their partner .
I think it's up to us to make a stand against any disrespect from extended family members , if only to
gain back your own self respect .
Again , it's what's right for you ....I couldn't stand being the absent grandmother any longer , so I made a stand.
It worked for me eventually .
I wish you strength to carry out what's right for you .
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: tryingmybest on July 26, 2011, 03:38:41 AM
Dijon I reread your post and something occurred to me, if this has been a complete personality change after the baby could it be post partum depression?
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Dijo63 on July 26, 2011, 04:13:24 AM
Thanks for the shoulder guys....  I feel I am almost crippled with the weight...  I feel quite alone with it all, my husband is a wonderful man but is just recovering from brain surgery so I share little with him so as to not cause any further stress in his recovery.  After the events on the weekend and her messaging me and telling me I am not allowed to see my GD anymore and that I should not contact her again, she has done nothing but barrage me with messages and emails, talking disgustingly about my daughter and family.  I know I will be dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. If I do respond she will contort my words, no matter how nice I am or if I don't respond she will start spitting venom at me suggesting "I don't care".  I feel broken inside... I worry for my son but realise all that has happened is as a result of his choices, "we give them life but can't live it for them". Advice I would give anyone in the same situation.   Easy said.... not so easy, not to worry about them though.  I keep telling myself I have "taken the higher ground" so often with her by not biting at her snakey remarks and that hasn't worked, we keep coming back to the same spot.  She now is saying she is leaving my son over the most recent incident as he would not back up the lies she has told.. He chose just to say "I don't remember", in the hope of staying neutral..  He is not in a good way emotionally, he rang me a few weeks ago saying he was scared for his mental health, he said he can't take anymore of her manipulation and felt suicidal.  He loves her though despite it all and she is the mother of his daughter. I understand he is caught between a rock and a hard place.  I just can't do this anymore though, it is now effecting my health.  I will always be here for my son but feel like I just want to walk away.....
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Dijo63 on July 26, 2011, 04:20:25 AM
Oh sorry, did not answer the question raised, it's not post natal depression, this has been going on before she even fell pregnant.  It seems cyclic, she creates problems, incites arguements and when she gets the desired effects she then is happy for a while, will even apologise... sometimes, then it all happens again. 
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: tryingmybest on July 26, 2011, 04:40:33 AM
I am so sorry. I was hoping may-be if it was hormonal it would get better. It sounds like a devastating situation. {{{hugs}}}. :-[
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: RedRose on July 26, 2011, 04:57:22 AM
Quote from: Dijo63 on July 26, 2011, 04:13:24 AM
I worry for my son but realise all that has happened is as a result of his choices,  He is not in a good way emotionally, he rang me a few weeks ago saying he was scared for his mental health, he said he can't take anymore of her manipulation and felt suicidal.  He loves her though despite it all and she is the mother of his daughter.

He needs to walk away..what good is he to his daughter if he feels this way. He's suicidal? He needs professional help. He has to feel comfortable in his marriage. Love is a two way street.

My son felt the same way and walked away. His wife was constantly shouting at him and there was never a kind word about his family. Obviously she was not happy either.  She cheated on him and became pregnant with a child my son thought was his...my 2nd grandchild?

My son has never regreted his decision to leave. He and his ex-wife now have joint custody of my 1st grandson.

Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pooh on July 26, 2011, 05:31:43 AM
I agree wit RedRose.  If it has reached a point with him that he's that depressed, he definately needs to seek help for his and his daughter's sake.  I spent many years being miserable for the sake of my kids, because I thought it was the right thing to do.  In the end, if I could go back and do it over, I would have left.  It would have been hard, it would have taken work to shuffle the kids back and forth, but it would have been better.  It's a hard place to be when you think it is better for the children.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: amflautist on July 26, 2011, 07:16:04 AM
Quote from: Dijo63 on July 26, 2011, 04:13:24 AM
Thanks for the shoulder guys....  I feel I am almost crippled with the weight...  I feel quite alone with it all, my husband is a wonderful man but is just recovering from brain surgery so I share little with him so as to not cause any further stress in his recovery.  After the events on the weekend and her messaging me and telling me I am not allowed to see my GD anymore and that I should not contact her again, she has done nothing but barrage me with messages and emails, talking disgustingly about my daughter and family.

We are here to support you.  Our shoulders are enormous. 

Send your DIL's emails straight to the spam folder.  Do not read them, do not even let yourself know they have arrived.   (P.S.  I can almost guarantee that is what my DIL does with mine!)
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: amflautist on July 26, 2011, 07:28:19 AM
Quote from: Dijo63 on July 26, 2011, 04:13:24 AM
He is not in a good way emotionally, he rang me a few weeks ago saying he was scared for his mental health, he said he can't take anymore of her manipulation and felt suicidal.  He loves her though despite it all and she is the mother of his daughter. I understand he is caught between a rock and a hard place.  I just can't do this anymore though, it is now effecting my health.  I will always be here for my son but feel like I just want to walk away.....

I agree with walking away ... but walking away from your son's girlfriend ... walking away from her drama ... not walking away from your son.  I believe your son's call about his mental health should be taken as a serious call for help.  Can you offer to pay for a counselor for him?  I honestly know nothing about mental health counselors, nor psychiatrists, etc, but I am sure others here at wwu can advise.  I firmly believe that any discussion of suicide should be taken seriously.  Your son may not have really meant suicide - it may be that he was simply trying to tell you how totally stressed out he was.  In any case, please don't walk away from him.  Perhaps he needs to know it is OK to walk away from his current situation and that it is OK to come home again.

It sounds like both you and your son need to walk away from the source of all this stress.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: elsieshaye on July 26, 2011, 08:05:32 AM
Dijo, I'd suggest creating a filter for her emails - pretty much all email programs will let you do this.  Either filter them straight into the trash, or into a separate folder that you don't review very often.  Either way, it keeps the deluge out of your inbox and makes it her issue, not yours.  There is no response you can give right now that would be helpful, and for me personally, I find it takes the stress level down tremendously to make hostile communications invisible.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: jdtm on July 26, 2011, 08:32:40 AM
QuoteI know I will be dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. If I do respond she will contort my words, no matter how nice I am or if I don't respond she will start spitting venom at me suggesting "I don't care".

Dijo63 - I found if there is a choice between talking or not talking, it was better for me to be accused of what I did NOT say rather than what I said.  After a while, others do "catch on" and you don't have to backtrack saying "that's not what I said or that's not what I meant".  As Dr. Phil says "you don't know what I think".  So sorry but most of us here (sadly) have been or are in the same situation ....
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pen on July 26, 2011, 08:49:58 AM
Welcome, Dijo63. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but as you've already figured out you're not alone. You've heard great advice from wise, supportive women. I agree about the emails, you do not need to read them or even know they exist. It's also best to refrain from responding. I'd advise you to keep your thoughts to yourself- you never know who will pass along something you said to DIL by accident or on purpose. Try not to say anything bad about DIL to your DS. Let him do the venting while you listen and subtly guide him to make the decision for counseling or separation on his own.

Please take care of yourself through it all, you won't be any good to your DS or DGD otherwise. What can you do today that will nuture you and help you regain your center?
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: lancaster lady on July 26, 2011, 08:56:43 AM
dijo

I have had a few of those emails ....delete ...then send the rest to spam !
Do not be tempted to look at them .....they are like a knife twisting ....delete , delete !
It takes two for an argument .
Let your son know you are there for him always , and detach , and renew your energy .
Best wishes ...LL
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Rose799 on July 26, 2011, 09:17:20 AM
Quote from: amflautist on July 26, 2011, 07:28:19 AM
I agree with walking away ... but walking away from your son's girlfriend ... walking away from her drama ... not walking away from your son. 

It sounds like both you and your son need to walk away from the source of all this stress.

I agree amflautist, with the addition of your dh's brain surgery on top of all the drama, it's no wonder you & ds have both reached your limit.  If I were in your position, I'd suggest counseling, if all possible.  He needs to vent, as well.   I'd tell ds that I refuse to add to his load by participating in tit for tat with dil; that you are going to ignore her e-mails & let him contend with her while you tend to dh's recovery.  Let him know your door is always open & then give him a little space to regroup.  As a dm, that's easier said than done, but I do feel it'll help take some of the pressure off him.  Best wishes to you & ds, Dijo63~
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Rose799 on July 26, 2011, 09:21:55 AM
By the way, welcome to you both, amflautist & Dijo63~
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: herbalescapes on July 26, 2011, 09:34:23 AM
It's possible that your son's GF suffers from mental illness.  If she comes from a violent and abusive home herself, there may have been mental illness in one or both of her parents or the violence could have lead to problems for her.  Pregnancy and childbirth could have compounded the problem.  She may need your pity more than your anger.  Easier said than done, I know.  Don't give up.  Talk to friends or clergyperson or counselor to find a way to ease the tension in your own life.  Don't try to turn your son away from GF.  Give him support and love without mentioning her lies, etc.  Let him know that you are there for him and GD.  If you can find a subtle, tactful way to suggest GF might need some medical help, do so.  Be very careful, though, you don't want to come off as snotty and self-righteous. 

There are plenty of websites out there about staying in touch with a grandchild who is geographically distant.  Try to adapt them to your situation.  Imagine GD seeks you out in 20 years after hearing trash about you from her mother.  What could you show her that demonstrates you loved her and never forgot about her?  Maybe have trees planted in her honor for her birthday every year.  Make a scrapbook of her dad as a young boy and make one every year about her dad's side of the family that you'd be able to pull out and show her.  Make youtube videos of yourself reading stories "to her."  Send her an "I love you card" every month.  Don't get too gooey (Oh I miss you sooooo much).  Maybe GF will throw them in the trash or they'll be returned unopened.  At least you'll know that you tried. 

Good luck. 
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Rose799 on July 26, 2011, 09:37:54 AM
Wonderful suggestions, herbalescapes; mind if I borrow a few?  Welcome to WWU...
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pen on July 26, 2011, 10:14:28 AM
Herbalescapes, good post. I think children benefit from knowing they are loved & knowing who their people are, even if they find out as adults.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Nana on July 26, 2011, 03:24:57 PM
Dijo...obviously your son needs your support.   Things with wife are not good at all and could eventually break.  Just be there for him....dont press him to do any move....let him sorted it out and he will be ok. 

We are here at your corner ...hold on.

Love
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: mother of 3 sons on July 27, 2011, 10:59:38 AM
I know about your heartache.   I was there, and still am there!
I "took" the abuse for 36 years with my son's 3 spouses!
The recent marriage for 20 years --- before speaking to my son about his and his wife's cruelty.  36 years of suffering, and now over two years without
any contact with my son (because he is in complete denial, dependent
upon her, has no job, nowhere to go if he leaves her).   The "key"
element here is the daughter in law's background.  Both your
DIL and mine come from a violent dysfunctional (alcoholic) family.
This is my son's third spouse, and each one of them came from
the same background, and each DIL treated me and son's family
in the same way --- complete rejection and manipulation.  Your
DIL sees you as she probably sees her own mother and/or father.
You are the enemy (you are not, but that is how she sees it). 
The longer it goes on, without effective professional help for
everyone involved, the worse it will get. The only person you can
control is you.  I don't know which is worse, putting up with it,
or experiencing complete rejection from my son.  When I asked
him to understand, he said he didn't care.  That was the clincher.
He doesn't care.  He said it was my problem, and if I wanted to
get along with his wife, I should contact her and work it out.
He defended her, did not acknowledge the cruelty she has done,
did not hear or accept my feelings and hurt.  They are both
alcoholics.    I might add that inbetween my son's three relationships,
we had a good relationship, we were friends and we all were together
in happiness with his brothers and their wives.  I have been divorced
from my son's father for 30 years.  He was abusive, cold, cruel, to
all of us.   Of course, my sons "married" their father, i.e., someone
just like him:  controlling, cruel, critical, mean and selfish --- there
are other words, but you know the drill.    The pain of losing
complete contact with my son for over two years has been horrible.
But my self esteem is rising at last, my health is better, and I don't
experience put downs and hurt from them on a daily basis.
His wife has also disowned her own mother and father and all but
one of her siblings, and also my son's brothers, father and family.
They are completely alone.  No holidays, no birthdays, no friends.
Sound sick?  Yes, that is what it is.  It is like with an alcoholic, until
they have some kind of traumatic "conversion" experience, they
will probably continue with the status quo.  Waiting is hell.  But
being in the tornado will kill you fast.  Get professional help.  Find
a support group.   Your son has learned that you will "take"
your DIL's abuse.  He is in complete denial of reality.  He may not
know what to do (if he has any inkling of leaving her).  All kinds of
things.  If he will accept your love, or listen to you and show you
caring, that would be wonderful.  That is not the case with my son,
but he is a dependent alcoholic (dependent on her).
    So, prayer also helps.   Surrendering the situation to God or
your higher power helps.  And talking with others who are going
through the same thing helps.  We all can help one another in
venting our feelings and sharing things we have found that work.
God bless you my dear.  I care and understand.
A 69 year old mother of 3 sons, hurting but healing, in Montana.
Marg   
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: not like the movies on July 27, 2011, 08:54:03 PM
heartbreaking...mine was broken and then I discovered there is more room in a broken heart for those that appreciate me. I surround myself with those that really care and those that don't drain me. I choose and that equals freedom. Find the life you want to live. If it can not include certain mean people right now so be it. Maybe they will change but only can they do this of their own accord. I am certainly not the same person I was in my twenties.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Dijo63 on July 30, 2011, 06:27:06 AM
Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.  I received a call from my son a couple of days ago. He has told me he has sought legal advice but is not sure what he will do.  He said he really doesn't think he wants to be with her anymore as he knows she is nasty and despite all I have done for them continues to treat me with disrespect.  I told him it has to be his choice and if he thinks there is any chance they can work things out, he owes it to his little baby to try.  I reassured him I would be here for him regardless and will always support whatever he chose but it has to be his choice.  He asked me not to phone him when he is at home as I she does not want us to have contact.  I am hurt that he said this but I do not want to cause any more stress than he is under.  My eldest son has been talking to him and has told him he will be there too if he needs a chat, advice or a shoulder.  It's hard as I so want to contact him to see how he is I am so worried but I have to let it go... but feel it's best right now to leave him to it and pray he is okay..
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pooh on July 30, 2011, 09:43:16 AM
You're doing the right thing D.  Hang in there.  If you respect his wishes, I feel that he will contact you.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: tryingmybest on July 30, 2011, 10:08:40 AM
Dino you are handling it perfectly.

Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Pen on July 30, 2011, 11:56:46 AM
{{{hugs}}} to you, Dijo. He has to go through what he has to go through. It must mean so much to him that you and your OS have expressed your support.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: luise.volta on July 31, 2011, 07:16:50 AM
Sending love...
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: sorrowhasaname on August 15, 2011, 06:54:43 PM
DiJO63..... I am so sorry for your pain. You do not deserve to be treated this way. No one does. This is just my opinion, but  I think that this may not be about you at all. You sound very reasonable and caring and I believe that your son knows that you are there for him if he needs to talk.  I would avoid upsetting her. It would be great if he could somehow talk her into couples counseling, so that someone besides family might have the opportunity to see her just as she is. She may be ill, and I am wondering: Is the child okay? Families seem to be in a lot of trouble. You are not alone. Many of us have ongoing painful situations that we are learning to live with. I am a 'newbie' and have been reading today, and I am amazed at the support and the strength of these women.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: SusieQ123 on August 17, 2011, 01:02:54 PM
Hi Dijo,

I'm new to this site also and the amount of pain, courage and strength I see here is amazing.  I have just 2 thoughts, first that I would definitely let her (by son) know you will not be reading or responding to the nasty emails. Also, I'm not a psychologist or anything, but it seems to me that she could be mentally ill, but that doesn't mean you should accept any abuse. 

Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: Ruth on August 17, 2011, 01:23:42 PM
Dear D , welcome, these are wonderful replies to your heartrending problem, so very sorry.  What wonderful 'grand parenting ideas'!!  thanks so much for the tree planting, scrapbooking, you tub-ing ideas, this is something concrete that ousted grandparents can sink their teeth into!   D this isn't about you.  This woman has serious disturbances in her thinking and a professional will need to work on it.  Please try and detach from her and focus on our son.  These are early days and chances are he will break away and return to sanity soon.   Please keep reading and writing, this is a rich resource for help here.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: justanoldgrandma on August 25, 2011, 03:04:08 PM
I'm glad your son realizes that he needs to detach from this toxic, sick, young woman and get some help for himself.  He seems to realize she is not going to be a partner for him and is back to relying on you, his family.  I hope he can get some counseling for himself, w your help if you can and wish.  I would totally detach as others have said, from this woman, deleting her emails and FB? comments. 

The only other concern I would have would be for the child's safety and well-being.  The mother is not accepting your help and she must get help on her own.  Is the child being taken care of?  If the woman is mentally ill, you and/or your son can contact social services to check and it may end up that the baby would be better off, a great deal, being raised by your family if possible.  Being raised by a mentally ill mother who won't get help would be so detrimental for the child.

In rereading other posts, I see that your son has wisely sought legal advice and your other son is giving support in listening to him.  So my above paragraph may already being considered (safety of the child.)  If the new mother had no resources to take care of the newborn and you had to do it, she probably still is unable to provide adequately for the baby, is that the case? 

Prayers for you, your son, and that precious baby.
Title: Re: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Post by: sesamejane on August 25, 2011, 07:51:21 PM
I agree with the posts expressing concern for the child.  This personality change seems to be about the pregnancy and new baby.  Erratic behavior and unfounded accusations may be signs of something serious.  Does your son have a sense of her ability to determine the difference between what is real and what is going on in her head (voices?  delusions?).  Some pretty scary stuff has happened to those who are vulnerable and in the care of someone who may not be able to exercise good judgement.  She appears to be interpreting events around her in a paranoid manner. 

I do not wish to frighten you or your son, but maybe it's time for everyone around her to not take things personally and to really start evaluating her mental status.  She may indeed need help.  The child most certainly does need a watchful and protective eye or two.

REgarding suicidality, thinking about suicide is a lot different from having a plan and expressing intention.  Lots of people think about suicide - more than we would like to think.  I have, but I know I would never do it and never really think about how I might.  Just more an expression of deep pain. 

I hope this helps, and again, what I am suggesting is that cool and objective heads prevail.  Love you ladies....