MIL#1- Thoughtful, warm caring. A friend, supportive, gives good sdvice. She is included in the lives of sons family and loves her DIL. Has her fault(donm;t we all).
MIL#2- Manipulative, interfering and bossy. Needy, wants to be too involved. Noisy and is a witch. Never included in sons family. Has no good qualities and should not exist.
I am both of these MILs! In the first I am the to my DS1 wife of ten years. In the second I am the MIL(almost) to my DS2 soon to be bride. They have been together for 3 years. I live about 15 minutes from both(in opposite directions).
Can anyone explain how I can be both?
Oh God....how can that be?
Split personality?
Like one dil and dont like the other?
I give up...you tell us
What I do know....is why you are included in one of your son's life, and not accepted in the other son's life.
Love
I was included until the engagement. After that, very little. I may call once a month. I NEVER go to his house uninvited. I have been to his once to drop off a box of his things I found in my attic and once for my dress for the wedding to "be approved."
Quote from: jkm426 on February 11, 2011, 04:57:35 AM
I have been to his once to drop off a box of his things I found in my attic and once for my dress for the wedding to "be approved."
I know this doesn't help much, but that reminds me of those Bridezilla episodes on WeTv.
I never heard of the MOTG/Mom parading before the bride in their dress for approval.
I hope that isn't catching on. I find it dehumanizing.
Remember the Cherokee wolf story Keys Girl told us back in October? In each one of us live two wolves, one evil and one good. Oh how I loved that story! At the end, the Cherokee grandfather asks, which wolf will you feed?
http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,1002.msg19623.html#msg19623
Likewise, in each DIL live two MILs, one perceived as evil, the other perceived as good. Which MIL wins? The one the DIL feeds.
My DIL is determined that I be her evil MIL. After 6 years, I realized that I have no control over DIL's perception. Everything I do, everything I say, she uses to feed the evil MIL within her.
Yup! I knew there was an agenda!
My DIL had already chosen which wolf to feed before she got to know me. I think she had help from her FOO. If DH & I are out of the picture it makes it ever so much easier to control DS!
JKM, Think back to when 1st son got married. Were things all rosy with DIL1 at that point in time? Do you and DIL1 have more similar "laid-back" personalities? And how are things really between you and DS2? Does he have some kind of pent up resentment towards you for being overly involved or anything like that? Don't immediately assume it is the DIL, a LOT of the times it is the DS. It is a phase. He will outgrow it.
DS2 and DIL2 may be setting boundaries now so things don't get bad in the future. This is actually a good thing. Play by the boundaries now and they will be relaxed later on. It will make your relationship better. If you push the boundaries now, it will only get you cut out of their life. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen.
Some people don't think it is "rude" to just drop in on someone's house unannounced. But, some people find it traumatizing. I'm like that. I HATE when people drop in on me. My house might not be clean and I don't want anyone to see my mess. My MIL dropped in once prior to the wedding. Oh, wait she LIED to me and told me that FH told her to come when he did not. (Note to MIL's, Please, PLEASE, don't play your son against his wife. Don't try to get him in trouble with his wife.) So, if DIL2 doesn't want you to "drop in" it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you at all, just that she wants everything to be "perfect" when you come over because she feels that you are judging her ability to properly care for your son.
And it is "tradition" that the MOG's dress be approved by the bride (I didn't personally do this because I wasn't worried about it). But they do that so the dresses don't clash with the bridal party and each other. It isn't meant to be offensive. I do know that SOME Bride's do take that a bit too far though, but as a general rule it was just so nothing clashed.
If I could explain that one, I could explain why one of my boobs is bigger than the other.
It probably doesn't have anything to do with you...
DIL #1 might come for a secure childhood, and is not intimidated as much as DIL #2
Things you do with #1 well, frankly she realizes, we're all different, with different ideas, thoughts and feelings....and so, everything rolls off her back.
Lets face it, we all have little tinsy weensy autiosyncrocies, which irritate others....however, a lot of people can ignore them, b/c they were raised to understand, no one is perfect and to look past the bad, and look for the good.
DIL #2 may have come from a home that did not give her the attention and confidence she needs to survive....so, things that are said, which would not bother most, will intimidate her because she is very insecure.
Your dealing with two totally different personalities here, and each one of them, can be at the complete oppositie end of the spectrum....however, I have found through research, that people skills, or the lack thereof, comes from a childhood background of either great support, attention and confidence and education, or, the unfortunate lack of all....it's all about how we children were bought up....and most likely has nothing at all to do with you, and remember, if DIL #2 came from a bad family background, she might be harboring a whole lot of anger, which is misdirected anger, a lack of confidence, and takes everything people say as an insult b/c she is extremely insecure.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 05:57:24 AM
JKM, Think back to when 1st son got married. Were things all rosy with DIL1 at that point in time? Do you and DIL1 have more similar "laid-back" personalities? And how are things really between you and DS2? Does he have some kind of pent up resentment towards you for being overly involved or anything like that? Don't immediately assume it is the DIL, a LOT of the times it is the DS. It is a phase. He will outgrow it.
DS2 and DIL2 may be setting boundaries now so things don't get bad in the future. This is actually a good thing. Play by the boundaries now and they will be relaxed later on. It will make your relationship better. If you push the boundaries now, it will only get you cut out of their life. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen.
Some people don't think it is "rude" to just drop in on someone's house unannounced. But, some people find it traumatizing. I'm like that. I HATE when people drop in on me. My house might not be clean and I don't want anyone to see my mess. My MIL dropped in once prior to the wedding. Oh, wait she LIED to me and told me that FH told her to come when he did not. (Note to MIL's, Please, PLEASE, don't play your son against his wife. Don't try to get him in trouble with his wife.) So, if DIL2 doesn't want you to "drop in" it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you at all, just that she wants everything to be "perfect" when you come over because she feels that you are judging her ability to properly care for your son.
And it is "tradition" that the MOG's dress be approved by the bride (I didn't personally do this because I wasn't worried about it). But they do that so the dresses don't clash with the bridal party and each other. It isn't meant to be offensive. I do know that SOME Bride's do take that a bit too far though, but as a general rule it was just so nothing clashed.
Yes, Ma'am! How high, Ma'am? ;)
I think ADil may be onto something about this adjustment period thing. My SIL was in the hot seat until I walked onto the scene. They didn't like her at all, and said awful things about her. I've since learned that culture barrier aside, she's wonderful, very nice and she and I have a lot in common; I expected to dislike her b/c they did.
I'm in the hot seat now. I don't think it's intentional, but I think every family goes through an adjustment like this. But, with no other DSs, I think I have to enjoy the warmth for a little longer.
But, I didn't have to block my number last night to thank her for the V-day gifts...so could we be onto something?
Oh there are so many rules for MILs these days. I didn't set one single rule for DIL. Go figure.
I don't think it's tradition for the bride to "approve" MIL's dress as in she has to look it over before the MIL gets the "okay." I think it's more of a "this is the color and style I am going for," after the MOTB's dress is picked and the bride says, "okay" or "not okay." Having the dress brought over to get it approved sounds so ridiculous and self-important.
Anyway, I'm just brainstorming here. What was your relationship like with son #2? Was it the same as with son #1? Were you closer with one or the other? Have you always only called once a month? When you call, what are your conversations like? For instance, do you ask him to call or come over more?
I'm trying to come up with something other than the DIL is mentally distressed.
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 06:53:04 AM
Oh there are so many rules for MILs these days. I didn't set one single rule for DIL. Go figure.
I'm trying to remember. Is there a list of rules for DILs anywhere on this site?
Pen, I didn't have any rules for DIL either. I have personal boundaries for everyone, but no rules.
I still think much of it boils down to personalities and acceptance of differences. When both parties are that way, no major issues. It's when one is and the other is not, or both are not, that you have problems.
Did that old Cherokee forget to mention what one feeds an evil MIL? Rules.
Hey, I'm not evil but they put me on that diet anyway >:(
Lol Pen!
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:37:06 AM
Hey, I'm not evil but they put me on that diet anyway >:(
Yes, but remember that evil MILs live within the DIL, not without. Perhaps your DIL is all choked up over her rules for you?
Oh, right. My bad. No, my DIL has pretty much got it all the way she likes it.
Mine also. Her #1 rule: MIL not allowed in my house, else I leave. I won't challenge this rule.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 05:57:24 AM
JKM, Think back to when 1st son got married. Were things all rosy with DIL1 at that point in time? Do you and DIL1 have more similar "laid-back" personalities? And how are things really between you and DS2? Does he have some kind of pent up resentment towards you for being overly involved or anything like that? Don't immediately assume it is the DIL, a LOT of the times it is the DS. It is a phase. He will outgrow it.
DS2 and DIL2 may be setting boundaries now so things don't get bad in the future. This is actually a good thing. Play by the boundaries now and they will be relaxed later on. It will make your relationship better. If you push the boundaries now, it will only get you cut out of their life. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen.
Some people don't think it is "rude" to just drop in on someone's house unannounced. But, some people find it traumatizing. I'm like that. I HATE when people drop in on me. My house might not be clean and I don't want anyone to see my mess. My MIL dropped in once prior to the wedding. Oh, wait she LIED to me and told me that FH told her to come when he did not. (Note to MIL's, Please, PLEASE, don't play your son against his wife. Don't try to get him in trouble with his wife.) So, if DIL2 doesn't want you to "drop in" it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you at all, just that she wants everything to be "perfect" when you come over because she feels that you are judging her ability to properly care for your son.
And it is "tradition" that the MOG's dress be approved by the bride (I didn't personally do this because I wasn't worried about it). But they do that so the dresses don't clash with the bridal party and each other. It isn't meant to be offensive. I do know that SOME Bride's do take that a bit too far though, but as a general rule it was just so nothing clashed.
It's all control issues.. especially that dress crap.
I can honestly say I don't want people coming over unannounced because I have anxiety and that heightens it. My own parents know to call before and ask to make sure it's okay. It's not about control for me, it honestly just gives me anxiety.
But that "approving" the dress thing....that is a TOTAL power play. So controlling. I had no idea what my MIL was wearing until the day of the wedding. It was awful, but hey, that was her choice and it didn't bother me one bit.
JKM,
Just a question. Do you treat both your sons the same? With respect and like adults? Just wondering because in my situation for the 2 sons that live the closest to my MIL, my DH(the youngest) and his B(2 yrs older than DH), my MIL treats the B & his wife like she would her friends, she respects them and they hang out weekly and spend almost every holiday together. She and the DIL(B's wife) actually go shopping together. On the other hand she treats her youngest(my DH) like a child, shows no respect, will yell & swear at him, and much more. Because of this we rarely see her, except for holidays & special occasions.
I'll give you that much if you have some medical issue.. but I've heard.. oh my I could be running around the house without a bra.... my house could be a wreck... I could be in the middle of peeing.... those are all control bs reasons. You can simply say.. I prefer you call first.. but you know I don't care how dirty my house is.. my kids are always welcomed.. guest for that matter.... more importantly I found that if it bothered me to have guest see a dirty house.. then don't keep a dirty house... why close off family for such silly reasons.
I think that depends on whether someone invites themself for the entire afternoon unannounced, or if they just stop by for a minute to drop something off. There might be a difference there.
There also might be a difference if they remark on how clean the house is and eyeroll because you haven't found the time to dust. If they make it clear my house isn't to their liking (which it's not even to my liking at the moment, so no visitors please!), I will try to meet your expectations next time around, notice would be helpful, that way the person is much more comfortable.
There might also be a difference if they call before they stop by, or don't get upset if we don't answer the door because we're sleeping or in the shower.
Even my own mother doesn't drop in without calling first and she is 5 minutes walking distance away. I think it is a very rude thing to do on anyone's part. It shows a complete lack of consideration for the person you are dropping in on. Even if their house is spotless etc. maybe they just don't want any visitors.
If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.
My house is far from dirty, but it isn't spotless. I just don't have the time to keep it spotless. But it will only take me 30 minutes to get it that way.
I agree... I've had comments made because my car was in the driveway.. that is an indicator that I may be home but it's not an absolute... I've had very close friends that could pop in and stay for the afternoon.. they were also the ones that would say sure i'll help you get things picked up before dinner...
I've never had anyone in my life (that I'm aware of) that stopped in to check on my housekeeping skills... so I guess it's never been an issue with me.
Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 08:32:04 AM
I'll give you that much if you have some medical issue.. but I've heard.. oh my I could be running around the house without a bra.... my house could be a wreck... I could be in the middle of peeing.... those are all control bs reasons. You can simply say.. I prefer you call first.. but you know I don't care how dirty my house is.. my kids are always welcomed.. guest for that matter.... more importantly I found that if it bothered me to have guest see a dirty house.. then don't keep a dirty house... why close off family for such silly reasons.
Yes, I agree with you there- but on the other side of the coin, is it that big of a deal for others to just call first? I mean once the person says, "I'd prefer if you called first," is there really a valid reason to keep doing it? Then it seems the control issue shifts and the person dropping by unannounced becomes the one trying to control.
I'm not a fan of dropping in on anyone, friend or relative. But what's up with never (!) being invited to DS/DIL's house? It can't possibly be that DIL is afraid of criticism since she criticizes my house all the time. Or could it? LOL
Actually, DIL is a neat freak whose home is usually in order (we've been allowed to use the restroom a couple of times after dropping them off.)
I just got blasted by DS for requesting notice before they come here (just trying to set a boundary ::) ) so I'm confused.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 08:38:28 AM
Even my own mother doesn't drop in without calling first and she is 5 minutes walking distance away. I think it is a very rude thing to do on anyone's part. It shows a complete lack of consideration for the person you are dropping in on. Even if their house is spotless etc. maybe they just don't want any visitors.
If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.
My house is far from dirty, but it isn't spotless. I just don't have the time to keep it spotless. But it will only take me 30 minutes to get it that way.
See that is the difference between you and I.. and possibly why I don't have the same issues with my mil as you do... You are all about control...
If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.Yes OW...I believe in being polite, and I think it would depend on their reasons for stopping by.. to borrow something, to drop off something.. I don't typically barge into someones house uninvited and lounge for the afternoon.
Pen's got an awesome point:
I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?
Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. :D
Well, it is not MIL's opr anyone else's house. So here she has to play by our rules. And it is our rule. If you don't call, you don't get to come in. So far, there hasn't been any issue with people going by that. They know I don't like people dropping in and they Respect that. It isn't about control. It is about respect for my feelings.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 08:51:38 AM
Well, it is not MIL's opr anyone else's house. So here she has to play by our rules. And it is our rule. If you don't call, you don't get to come in. So far, there hasn't been any issue with people going by that. They know I don't like people dropping in and they Respect that. It isn't about control. It is about respect for my feelings.
ADIL- I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, but what you said is a little contradictory. You just said "it is our rule." and then "It isn't about control." It is. If you don't open the door just to prove to them that they WILL follow your rules, that makes it about control. Could be BOTH control (by proving a point) and ALSO respect for your feelings, but let's be fair here. You're proving a point- and the point is that you make and control the rules for your own house.
LOL.. sounds like control to me
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 08:50:27 AM
Pen's got an awesome point:
I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?
Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. :D
Awww just yesterday you told me that I could stop in and even vacuum if it made me feel better.
Is the issue really "dropping in unanounced," or is it the way things were communicated? Surely we all recognize that home should be a place where we feel safe and have a certain amount of control in a world where we have very little control. But there is a huge difference between telling someone "my way or the highway" and "gee mom, I'm glad you like to come over. Would you mind calling in the future, because I feel really uncomfortable welcoming guests when I'm not prepared." Of course, there are times the we must be adamant if our requests are not honoured. But still, respectful communication should be the place where we begin.
Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 09:02:06 AM
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 08:50:27 AM
Pen's got an awesome point:
I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?
Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. :D
Awww just yesterday you told me that I could stop in and even vacuum if it made me feel better.
I told you, houseguests are always welcome if they work. The curtains need washing too.
Yes respectful communication is where it always begins. In the perfect world that is where it would end as well.
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 09:06:09 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 09:02:06 AM
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 08:50:27 AM
Pen's got an awesome point:
I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?
Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. :D
Awww just yesterday you told me that I could stop in and even vacuum if it made me feel better.
I told you, houseguests are always welcome if they work. The curtains need washing too.
isn't that funny... I love washing curtains... so much so.. I don't have any in my new house.
Hm...now there's a thought. No curtains...no washing curtains. Kind of like decorative pillows...pointless.
I have no curtains and enjoy my life free of curtain washing! I do, however, have decorative pillows...although I don't know why. We rarely even put our normal bedspread on our bed because my cat has taken to playing on the bed in the pillows...and his claws don't mesh well with the bedspread and pillows. Now we only put the bedspread and pillows on the bed when it can be supervised...man, I don't need any kids, I have a 2 year old cat.
Quote from: justme on February 11, 2011, 09:03:53 AM
Surely we all recognize that home should be a place where we feel safe and have a certain amount of control in a world where we have very little control.
That's exactly it. Perhaps my word choice as far as it being a house rule was a poor one. It is my house. It is where I feel safe. I know that outside of my house I have no power over what is being done, but in my house I can. Everyone I know is actually very good with this one. My Mom and SIL have the same "rule" with their houses. They don't like to be surprised either.
DH dealt with the issue with his mother because it upset me so much the first time she decided to drop in. That would be the time where she said DH invited her when he did not. He didn't even know she'd be in the area. Also the time she yelled at us for sleeping together before we were married (we did not mind you. I was not raised that way). Her "proof" was that when I unpacked DH's clothes I put them in the master bedroom because it seemed silly to put them in the guest room only to move them in another month. Funny she didn't comment about his air mattress being in the guest room. Since then she hasn't dropped in unannounced. But she has been invited over multiple times.
Jkm......MIL 2 ......Is DS 2 the last DS/DD to be married? Maybe you're not ready for that empty nest ! Perhaps resentful of this person stealing your last child .Maybe this doesn't apply to you ,it was just a thought . Or it could be that the two DIL are totally different ..and you prefer one over the other .... ???
Also, just for giggles, I wanted to add that I could always tell my ILs resented me. They would claim they had no problems with me, but their actions proved otherwise. It later came out that they do in fact dislike me and think I'm the only problem. It wasn't a coincidence that I was able to pick up on their feelings through their interactions with me and my DH. So, if you truly don't like her, you may be letting on through your actions and she may be picking up on it. Only you know how you really feel. Just food for thought.
I think very few people can keep their true feels totally repressed.
It's probably a tad more complex than "Well, my one DIL likes me, the other one doesn't, so the problem musn't be me." We react to coworkers differently than we we do other coworkers (I even react to some women on here differently than I do others), and we change our behavior depending on the reactions we get from other people. I don't see much reason why this would change just because someone is a MIL or a DIL.
My stepdad gets along great with both of his stepdaughters (one of them being me), but the quasi-stepsister and I are both very different. We each treat him differently and are treated differently by him, and that's okay.
Laurie- I agree, I'm just trying to brainstorm reasons the DIL might be acting the way she is. It may be a reaction to her feeling like she is not accepted by DH's family.
I was following OW.. I know my own dil is just now seeing up pulling away from her.. but this has been after a couple of years of playing games.. We are trying not to be resentful, but the idea of caring about her as anything other then our son's wife is becoming harder and harder to do. As much as I'm trying to keep this repressed.. I know she is seeing/feeling it.
For the first time this Christmas, I saw her uncomfortable in our home.. hmm could be in part because she knew that a stunt that she and her parents pulled was 100% wrong.. maybe she was wearing her guilt.
Well my Mother and MIL must think I am horrible, because I drop by all the time without telling them in advance. And they always act very glad and happy to see me. If its a planned event, they know we are coming but many times, we just happen to be in the area doing something else and me or DH will say, "Let's go by and see Mom for a few minutes." If they gave us that rule, they wouldn't get half the visits they do now.
But I think I said this before. I don't mind someone dropping by. I don't apologize if my floor is not vacuumed or there are dishes in the sink. If you don't like it, then don't drop by. But it doesn't bother me. Oh lord...when my kids were little, it wouldn't have matter if you called or not, they would mess up as fast as I could clean up.
But I do see the other side of the coin. If I had a friend or relative that asked me to not drop by without calling, I wouldn't. I probably wouldn't see them as much if I had to plan it, but I wouldn't.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 08:38:28 AM
Even my own mother doesn't drop in without calling first and she is 5 minutes walking distance away. I think it is a very rude thing to do on anyone's part. It shows a complete lack of consideration for the person you are dropping in on. Even if their house is spotless etc. maybe they just don't want any visitors.
If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.
My house is far from dirty, but it isn't spotless. I just don't have the time to keep it spotless. But it will only take me 30 minutes to get it that way.
I and many of my friends feel the same way as you do....I would like a call before someone just drops by...I could already be entertaining guests, could be sick in bed, could be out....or have plans to leave....and it isn't about being controlling, it's simply how you view things and how you were raised to believe....our mother taught us to always call before we just stopped by someone's home....what if someone in the family was over that I hadn't seen for a long time? Or a friend who was having a problem and was crying....? That would really be uncomfortable.
Now if my son and DIL just dropped by, I don't know why, but that's different, I wouldn't care...
my girlfriend was sick and people decided to take 2 1/2 hr. drive to see her and her husband, without calling first?????...her husband told them, "I'm sorry but she's very sick and in bed"....and they never called her again??????
When I have company I won't answer the phone, and I wouldn't ever, put anyone on hold to answer another phone call, unless I were expecting a very important call, and when the person calls, I tell them, "Listen, I might have to hang up b/c...."
I love surprise visits from my kids.. the only rule is... if it's a surprise you must knock or possibly be shot.. other then that I'm good to go :)
Oh, my mom would have a fit if I didn't call first. And a lot of times, she says no. Ha! There probably isn't a right or wrong on this one...
Lol Holli. No I don't think either way is right or wrong. It's just how you are.
Now if I was expected to do something.. such as babysit... prepare a meal.. be ready to go somewhere, then yes I would expect a call first.. common sense.. but because I'm bra-less.. that's an easy fix
Creme, I guess it still comes down to respect for me. If my friend stopped by announced and I had other people over, or I was sick or busy, she would wish me well and say, "Catch you later." It wouldn't make me uncomfortable that she dropped by because it wouldn't bother her to turn around and leave. Now if she got upset or mad, that would be her fault.
I think most people assume if they stop in unexpectedly that there is a chance that they may not be invited in for various reasons.. I guess my friends are laid back enough to understand ... and if I'm sick they are the same friends that will run to the store for me.
Yeah, me too. But I know we have people on here that have MILs that aren't respectful and would not be understanding. So I can understand why they instill that rule. And truthfully, this is just how I am. But it truly is your house and if you don't like people dropping by without calling, then that is how you are. No right or wrong.
Thanks pooh, I have several single lady friend neighbors, and when we notice something out of the ordinary, about each other, we call each other to check up and see if we need anything at the store or a perscription, but honestly, when I'm sick I don't want anyone there....or we do a network of phone calls, so and so isn't feeling well....and we call her or stop by with some soup, or do runs to the store.
As a matter of fact, strange story here....one of them decided to go on a vacation for the first time alone since her hubby passed. While on vacation, she was sitting on the front porch of the house that she rented. There was a cat across the way and it meowed....she said, "well good morning to you to". the cat came over and circled in and around her legs like cats do so she was petting it for a while, then all of a sudden, it up and bite her...by mid afternoon, her wrist started swelling and getting fire red. She left, drove home and went right to the emergency room....she was in the hospital for a week, they had to lance the thing and get all the infection out, many many times, then she had to proceed with rabie shots.
That was one heck of an ordeal.
We get lots of calls of cat bites here that are awful. But only vicious dog attacks are newsworthy.
OUCH! I knew there was a reason I didn't like cats! lol
yeah it was one heck of an ordeal for her....believe it or not, two weeks afterwards, she still had to go to the doctors to have them scrap it....it was very painful. You never know....she had it in a sort of cast thing, and it had to stay raised....she also had a friend come and stay with her....
Pooh, she told me there is something in a cat's saliva that causes the infections, and it is not uncommon from a cat bite...?
hmmm that's funny.. the thing that Pam had us do said that I'm a cat kinda person
That's bizarre. My cat bites me sometimes and I have yet to get sick from it...it's okay though, I still love him and would never trade him for a dog! Wonder what exactly it is in their saliva..
Animal control here says its because when a cat bites, it it more of a puncture that goes deeper and gets into the bloodstream more. Dog bites are usually not as deep. Neither have more or less bacteria, but the cat bite gets deeper.
Makes sense. I've never had cats that bit that hard. Normally when they break my skin, it's from their claws and not their teeth! I usually get love bites. :)
My pet rat bite my finger today thinking it was a marshmallow.. wonder if there is anything in their saliva :) Rats have saliva right?
LOL, yes they do, Laurie! I used to have 2 pet rats and they would always lick my fingers. Definitely had saliva. :)
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 12:36:05 PM
LOL, yes they do, Laurie! I used to have 2 pet rats and they would always lick my fingers. Definitely had saliva. :)
Oh I have these by default.. do you live closer to Texas then Holli does.. we thought they might freeze to death sending them to PA.. I'd love for them to have a new home to eat their marshmallows in.
Haha, I'm in Texas- DFW. How old are they and how did you get stuck with them? I just had to put my last one to sleep last year because she developed a tumor that got so big she couldn't walk. :( She was so old though- about 3 years, which is old for a rat!
That is old for a rat.. and my son had lost two before due to tumors.. I didn't know they were prone to develop tumors. These are fairly young.... we think one is deaf, both females and actually really sweet (as sweet as a rat can be)
My son found a job in Japan and will not be returning until he finds out if the Navy is accepting his application. even if they do it's not like he can take them on the ship... Have you ever seen the hairless rats?
Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 01:08:59 PM
Have you ever seen the hairless rats?
No, but I've heard of the hot-headed naked mole rat of Antarctica.
Yes, are they hairless? I think they're so cute, but my DH thinks they're awful! LOL! If they aren't hairless, what colors are they?
This was my little Scout- she was black and white.
(http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/4712_654335190167_29600600_39162722_6939076_n.jpg)
She looks like my little Simon. He'd hide in our clothes while we were watching TV. The birds, the cats and the dogs never bothered with him. I miss that little guy.
no these two are not hairless.. I just thought they are neat looking.. the deaf one is gray and white.. the other is black and with.. they both have some Japanese name that I can't pronounce lol
Quote from: seasage on February 11, 2011, 01:16:08 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 01:08:59 PM
Have you ever seen the hairless rats?
No, but I've heard of the hot-headed naked mole rat of Antarctica.
Luckily we didn't have to go to the Antarctica to get them :)
I LOVE the gray and white ones! I always said if I got more I would get a gray and white one and a tan and white one. The other one I had was Scabbers, and she was albino. They're such cute little things.
I heard of a guy that had a giant hairless one that could take it up to the pet store with him. The rat would just sit on his shoulder and hang out while he was in the store browsing. Mine were way too hyper to do that! I thought that was so cool.
Ok, I am not a rat fan but I have a question? So if you get a rat in your house (not a pet), do you call the exterminator or set bait or traps?
Or call one of these ladies to get it for you? lol
Lol...I wasn't even being sarcastic for once. I really want to know. I would think if you had rats as pets, it would be hard for you to kill an unwanted rodent?
I'd trap and release..if at all possible.. my dh says to just let these two go.. but they are not street smart rats.. I don't think they'd have a chance
I would get one of those humane catch-and-release traps, and then release it into a field or wooded area somewhere. But that's just me. :) My dad used to use the not-so-humane traps and they definitely worked. Their little noses can sniff out food from a mile away, I'm sure I could trick them into trapping them.
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 02:02:25 PM
I would get one of those humane catch-and-release traps, and then release it into a field or wooded area somewhere. But that's just me. :) My dad used to use the not-so-humane traps and they definitely worked. Their little noses can sniff out food from a mile away, I'm sure I could trick them into trapping them.
Surely we are smarter then a rat :)
Hey my new hairdryer is the bomb-dot-diggity
So no one thinks I post and run...My work frowns on posting at work(the nerve of them)...
To answer some of the questions:
DS2 and I were very close. Although he is the last to get married, he is not my youngest. That would be my DD.
Empty nest...sort of...my DD's back door is about 100 yards from my front door. I see and talk to her daily and pick up my 3yr old granddaughter a couple of evenings a week. We cook together and this gives my DD( a SAHM) a little break.
I come from a very close family. I see or talk to my mom every day. She, my dad and my brother and sisiter-in-law live less than a mile away. My brother and I work for the same company. My sister and her family are about 15 minutes away.
Forgive me for rambling...not sure if I answered most questions. One more thing...we as a family get together about every other week and have lunch or dinner together...yes as many of the entire family who can make it. We socialize with each other frequently. Oh and if this makes any differnece I am a young MIL. 50 years young...
JKM,
The only thing I can think of is that the way you treated dil2 was not the way she expected to be treated, while the way you treated dil1 was. This could be cause you like one more than the other, or it could be simply perception on their part. We all have different expectations of people. DIL2s expectations may be very different than yours wil dil1s falls right in line. All the family events may be overwhelming for dil2 or maybe dil2 just had the unrealistic expectation that she was gaining a husband and he would join her family and she wouldn't really have to deal with his much.
I really can't give any advice without knowing more about what the issues are. I can tell you the dress thing is totally ridiculous. I didn't even know what my own mother was going to wear to my wedding until my actual wedding, but I figured it would be respectable and it was. My mil boycotted our wedding, so her clothing was irrelevant. As you can probably guess, I have the type of MIL that you only read about, so these women who complain about having to visit perfectly pleasant inlaws more often than they would like are a bit confusing to me.
Good luck.
Quote from: jkm426 on February 11, 2011, 04:15:36 PM
So no one thinks I post and run...My work frowns on posting at work(the nerve of them)...
To answer some of the questions:
DS2 and I were very close. Although he is the last to get married, he is not my youngest. That would be my DD.
Empty nest...sort of...my DD's back door is about 100 yards from my front door. I see and talk to her daily and pick up my 3yr old granddaughter a couple of evenings a week. We cook together and this gives my DD( a SAHM) a little break.
I come from a very close family. I see or talk to my mom every day. She, my dad and my brother and sisiter-in-law live less than a mile away. My brother and I work for the same company. My sister and her family are about 15 minutes away.
Forgive me for rambling...not sure if I answered most questions. One more thing...we as a family get together about every other week and have lunch or dinner together...yes as many of the entire family who can make it. We socialize with each other frequently. Oh and if this makes any differnece I am a young MIL. 50 years young...
It sounds like you have a wonderful family going for you...give it time....perhaps she is just intimidated by the closeness of it all and it overwhelms her? What do you think?
Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 08:32:04 AM
I'll give you that much if you have some medical issue.. but I've heard.. oh my I could be running around the house without a bra.... my house could be a wreck... I could be in the middle of peeing.... those are all control bs reasons. You can simply say.. I prefer you call first.. but you know I don't care how dirty my house is.. my kids are always welcomed.. guest for that matter.... more importantly I found that if it bothered me to have guest see a dirty house.. then don't keep a dirty house... why close off family for such silly reasons.
I read somewhere that Phyllis Diller (hilarious 1960's-era comedienne, for you youngsters) used to joke about buying scads of "get well soon" cards. If she was caught by someone dropping in she'd quickly place the cards around the room. When the visitors entered she'd say,"Sorry the place is such a mess. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks."
I've purposely left the vacuum out so it looked like I was getting ready to do something
I do leave the vacuum out for the same reason. For some reason it makes it look cleaner.
JKM:
Maybe next time you have a get together ,just include a few family members ....so you can give more attention to your DIL 2 .
I too think maybe a huge get together makes her feel like the odd one out ,that's if you include her in the first place .
Me and my f/DIL had to have a huge confrontation before we understood one another ,not the ideal solution but at least we know where we stand with each other .
Perhaps secretly you think she's not good enough for you DS ?
She's his choice , so we have to accept this and try and be nice ..!
hopefully MIL #1 will come through as the winner over MIL#2 ..!
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 06:58:49 PM
I do leave the vacuum out for the same reason. For some reason it makes it look cleaner.
I think that is funny it made me laugh. My vaccum (with a full bag) even if it was last months will now take pride of place in the loungeroom for when my mother visits. It doesn't seem to matter to me how much I do as far as cleaning the house I never feel it is enough when my mother visits. She is a sweetie and doesn't say anything, athough she does have a fridge fetish. My sil laugh that it is her "pet" thing to visit and clean out the fridge. Must be a generational thing.
I read the 2 wolves story finally. It's very interesting. I think I'm going to try and remember it each morning.
Quote from: Julia on February 12, 2011, 04:27:20 PM
Quote from: holliberri on February 11, 2011, 06:58:49 PM
I do leave the vacuum out for the same reason. For some reason it makes it look cleaner.
I think that is funny it made me laugh. My vaccum (with a full bag) even if it was last months will now take pride of place in the loungeroom for when my mother visits. It doesn't seem to matter to me how much I do as far as cleaning the house I never feel it is enough when my mother visits. She is a sweetie and doesn't say anything, athough she does have a fridge fetish. My sil laugh that it is her "pet" thing to visit and clean out the fridge. Must be a generational thing.
I say.. let her if it makes her day.. there are some things my mil does better.. I won't even challenge those things.. I'll step back and let her have at it. To me those are win-win situations.
Quote from: holliberri on February 12, 2011, 04:44:11 PM
I read the 2 wolves story finally. It's very interesting. I think I'm going to try and remember it each morning.
I love that story. I am going to try to feed the good DIL in me. I feel pretty confident that my pazzo DIL will allow contact sometime within the next 2 years, and I want to have my heart ready for it.
I have no trouble accepting the two descriptions, even though I can't explain them. That's the way my two adult sons saw me...the eldest died 10 years ago with the issue unresolved. I was the worst and the best and they were both raised in the same home by the same mom.