March 28, 2024, 05:55:45 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - JaneF

16
We still do not have the grandsons, and were told yesterday by CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES of course that the home study process could take 30 to 90 days to complete!  I am frustrated.  I requested the children be here by the time school begins BECAUSE they have been yanked and pulled and moved so many times, especially the oldest one in and out of school repeatedly in one year alone...I feel this is a trauma to him.  Also if the little one isn't here, there will be no space available for him in Head Start.  The child is 4 years old and already has an IEP, he NEEDS to be in school this year since he cannot begin kindergarten for another year.  Although my husband and I went through fingerprinting the last time a year and a half ago...we have to do it again since it is a "DIFFERENT CASE" they say.  We have to have a physical, supply references again, they had to come to our home to make sure we had room, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, running water...this is the SAME house as last time, but they can't use any info already on file.  I told the "caseworker" how angry I am at all this, and I felt it was really a lot of wasted time when I could be caring for the children!  This is what he said to me and I QUOTE!  "MAYBE IF YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO DO ALL THESE THINGS WE ARE ASKING YOU TO DO, THEN YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO TAKE MORE CHILDREN INTO YOUR HOME".  I AM LIVID TO SAY THE LEAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I told him flat out "DON'T YOU THREATEN ME"!!!!!  Then I asked for his supervisor, and i got a call back...no different result.  I apologize right now if I offend anyone here, but if you ask ME, if anyone is guilty here of neglecting the health and welfare of these children it would be Child Protective Services themselves!  Perhaps if they had taken all of the hotline calls from me,  two schools, a hospital, a professional counselor (2 actually), and a few regular folks...we MIGHT not be dealing with this now!  Please forgive me for being so angry, but the little ones birthday is in less than two weeks and I am crushed he will not be here.  I have 2 bedrooms all made up in a camping site theme with tents, camp chairs, boats, and ducks...plus stacks of books for bedtime stories...and all these paper pushers want is to make this harder on the children.  They have asked if I want to be "licensed for foster care" so I can get financial money from the State...and I flatly said I want no part of your money...it would mean control by your agency...absolutely NOT!  As soon as guardianship is established those folks are OUT!  This also means the vacation time we were planning to use to take all 3 children is dashed.  Another blow.  By the time they arrive it will be too chilly for much camping and swimming weather.  Thanks for allowing me to rant once again.  I hope I didn't offend anyone, and Luise if I did, or I have upset someone I will understand if you delete my post in part, or in full.  I just had to vent.  J
17
Good news!  Had a telephone conference this morning, and my 2 grandsons will be coming to live with us as soon as the home study is completed!  I am so very relieved.  Sooooo, moving BACK to the big house and taking the for sale sign down!  lol  Have a very busy few weeks coming up now.  Plan to get arrangements started for the little one to get into Head Start School, get the 10 year old enrolled in 5th grade, getting 2 twin beds for them, doctors and counseling appointments set up...just to mention a few!  I hope my energy level is good!  I will have guardianship also, no more worrying about them being removed and jerked about...stability for them at last.  Plan to learn new methods of positive reinforcement, learn to cook again for a larger family, and learn how to delegate chores and use a reward system for that as well...whew.  Well, thanks again for listening.  I am still in shock, but am very happy at the same time.  Have a joyous day ladies.  J
 
18
Well ladies, here we are a few months after my daughter and her husband are arrested for the meth lab in the home with my grandsons residing there.  You know what?  I STILL almost faint when I say those words or even think it.  My daughter has done a HUGE amount of changing during this time to be honest.  I did not initially speak to her or accept calls etc.  After several weeks I did finally accept her call.  I figured she was definitely clear headed by this point, so we could have a clear conversation, if you will.  She said in that first conversation she does not plan to plead not guilty because she knows full well what she has done and just wants to take responsibility for her actions.  She is aware that there will be harsh consequences, but stated she deserves that.  She has apologized many, many times, by phone and letter...to me as well as the children.  She has not really asked for anything from me but a few minor things.  She has asked for some stamps and envelopes to just be able to let the children know she is okay ( the two older ones are really struggling with this latest mess).  Also she wants to keep me aware of issues.  The county jail where she WAS awaiting speedy trial due to wanting to just accept punishment and prepares to go to voluntary drug treatment while there did see to it she was put on bipolar meds, which is very important due to the severity of my daughters illness (obviously...), that is why she WAS on disabilty.  Notice I keep saying WAS???  Well June 18 was her trial date.  I chose not to go because although I know she understands and accepts what ever consequences she will get, as her mom I don't think I could have stood hearing it all.  I am angry at her choices as you all know, but I still love her, she is my child.  My daughter got sentenced to 15 years, and 5 years total.  They dropped a few of the charges but she was convicted of the largest one, manufacturing meth with children in the residence.  She told them the entire truth, and I have to say even though I am mortified at what she's done, I am proud of her for just being honest and real about it.  Her husband on the other hand is fighting it with all his might!  He sent letters to her in jail and broke the rules by doing so, but he asked her to take all the blame so he could get off...he is a convicted felon (drugs), so he may as well plan on prison time too.  I found out that the night before their arrests this man hit my then 9 year old grandson hard enough to bounce his face off the refrigerator and bloody an eye...I am LIVID!  My daughter reported it (after she hauled off and punched this fella in the very same eye as hard as she could).  Sadly this is all a little too late.  My daughter is now incarcerated in one of the womens correctional facilities, and my grandsons are still in foster care.  I was allowed to see my daughter the night before she was taken away (behind glass walls).  My grandaughter insisted on seeing her as well...she is now 14 years old.  I was allowed to attend my grandsons 10th birthday party in June also.  It was a long 7 hour drive (that is total drive time).  I am now trying to get the boys out of foster care.  We did not sell the big house (coincidence??? I think not  lol).  We will live in it, and we HOPE to have the grandsons there with us soon...if Child Protective Services will cooperate.  The foster mother (who really is a neat lady, and actually a teacher at head start program where my grandson attends), slipped up at the party and stated to me that she is licensed to adopt children, but she had planned adopting one child, not two....I almost passed out.  I am thinking the very people who for years refused to listen when I, two different schools, school counselor and licensed therapist, and several other people, a hospital, and a physician tried to get those children help...NOW they are going to fight giving them to their grandmother who already has been raising their older sibling, and who has never been in trouble, and who can provide a nice childhood for them?  Well, I plan to fight!  We are busy lately as always.  Grandaughter finished level 3 on swim lessons (has a goal to be lifeguard next summer at age 15!  Her braces are doing great,  she has volleyball tryouts next month and the physical required to do so, marching band practice to begin first week of school, and we are taking her (and her tribe of pets) on a much needed relaxing camping and fishing retreat this week.  I do not know actually how long my daughter will be incarcerated but she has a "chance" of doing much shorter time if she continues to do well and follows through with treatment in there et...but how much time I have no clue.  I will raise the children (if allowed to) as long as they need me to!  I am only in my early 50's I CAN do this!  Thank you for allowing me to rant on so!  Blessings to you all, and hope you all have a most joyous Fourth of July Holiday!  J
19
Hi ladies, long time no visit.  Been wild here, but such is life.  The grandaughter now has her braces on, and she is doing fine.  Here is the latest drama in my life.  My daughter that has given me many, many moments of grief and pain, has actually gone above and beyond this time!  lol  Sad to say.  Ready????  She and her husband were arrested this week for having a meth lab in their home...the same home where my 2 grandsons reside...sheesh.  I about fell over dead with shock.  The boys are in foster home many hours drive from here.  There are 7 charges filed for each of them, and 6 are felonies, one misdemeanor...one is a class A felony for having meth lab within 2000 feet of school or bus stop for school.  My best guess is they are facing prison time...but they earned it!  I feel so sad for the boys.  But are you ready for the next shocker???  Guess how the idiots got busted?  MY NINE YEAR OLD GRANDSON REPORTED IT!!  LOL  Unreal.  Poor little boys have had such a rough childhood.  I immediately called child protective services and reminded them that the last time I spoke to them I said I would be calling them back when my grandsons were harmed or put into a worse dangerous situation...and I would say "I TOLD YOU SO".  That gives me no pleasure.  They know I am angry.  At this time I have chosen not to go get the children.  Some may judge me harshly for this.  However, the first thing that came out of the social workers mouth basically was that they planned to set a goal of reunification for my daughter and her sons!  I plan to wait and see what comes of the charges and court dates etc before I choose my next move.  The bond for each one of the idiots is $100,000 CASH ONLY, no bail bondsman, CASH all of the amount!  Well, even if bond was set for a nickel I would refuse to pay it.  They will stay there until court...then if they get prison like I am guessing I will address the issue about the grandsons.  To be honest we are in the process of selling our big house and planned to downsize.  We are not getting any younger, husband is diabetic and we have had way too much on our plate for far too long now.  We have to cut back.  I am hoping that the boys can be moved to our county or the county closest to us, but go to a family that has the ability to care for these fellas who now have a whole lot of emotional and behavioral problems...gee wonder why???  Grrrr.  I have to try to do what is best for THEM, not for me.  They need us to be there to support and love them, see them often, but need to be helped by folks trained to help children with these issues.  It may be their only chance in life...lets hope this happens.  Time will tell I suppose.  Nothing is set in stone at this time, I plan to take things one day at a time.  That is all I can do.  My daughter is mad at me right now because I won't help her, or accept collect calls, and because I told her she is selfish and only cares about herself.  Guess she didn't like to hear the facts.  So for now she refuses to even sign releases giving me the ability to speak to the childrens lawyer or family services to find out how they are or talk to the boys.  I am betting she will sign releases at some point though.  I refuse to cave to her emotional black mail.  They both need to pay the price for their choices.  I only hope they learn from it, BUT...not holding my breath!  I will update when I know something, and thanks for allowing me to vent.  AGAIN.   J ::)
20
What kind things to say!  Like I have said many times over the years though WE are the ones blessed to have HER.  lol  She has been a joy to raise thus far.  I do not know if I have told everyone yet about her testing results from the school...NO there is not a learning disability, but she has issues in step by step processes in some math, a bit of help is needed in organizational skills, and she does have the ability to do the work but she needs a bit more time to complete some tasks.  She was given an I.E.P., and they put down other health issues as the reason (premature birth, attention deficit disorder etc).  This is excellent news.  The only change for her as far as school (beginning in the fall so as not to disrupt her this late in the year) will be a study hall daily like she has now, but it will be a much smaller class so she can get more individual help and tutoring on homework etc.  In our meeting there were teachers and assistant principal, and they praised her a great deal and said she will be an employers dream because she works so very hard and never goofs off, she has a great work ethic and is very well behaved!  We are proud as can be of her, and he third quarter grades did raise up some, but staying after school for tutoring and academic lab 4 days a week for most of the school year has been a lot of work on her, but never a single complaint have we heard.  She is still practicing the piano and I cannot wait for the day of the talent show to hear her play (the school isn't aware she has taught herself!!), and a girlfriend who is in choir will sing the song while she plays!  She is trying out for choir, and one never knows of course if you will make it.  I hope she does though as she has picked a song from a favorite artist of hers and is practicing that too...she sings it very well.  We are sure struggling with the fact that she will be 14 in the summer, because the time has gone too quickly.  I wish we could turn back the clock and do all the fun things again!  She could do the hula hoop very well by age two, and it was so funny to see that toddler do that!  All the camping trips and gymnastics and tap and ballet were fun too.  I'd like to clone her!  Thanks again for the sweet words.  I need to try to get back on here and post and reply more...things have been a bit hectic though!  lol  Blessings to you all.  Luise I hope you are hanging in there, I think about you often.  J
21
Congratulations!  Babies are soooo sweet!  Glad he arrived safely.  J
22
UPDATE!  The school called me this past Friday concerning the testing results for my grandaughter.  I have a meeting with them to discuss the issues found on Wednesday morning.  And although I will not know exactly what they found until then, I was told there ARE problems. :-[  She will have an I.E.P. from what I gather.  She is still going to tutoring 2 days a week, then academic lab another 2 days a week, so there has been every effort made to help her improve, however she is still struggling some.  We will listen to what the findings are, then see what rcommendations there are...then go from there.  I will want to check out all possible avenues of course.  We have not told her anything yet of course...simply because we do not have all the answers to questions she may have.  We may ask for help in explaining some of the iussues, after all the professionals might have a better way to explain things.  I just want to make sure we keep a positive attitude for her sake, and let her know we will do all we can to help her.  Her regular physician that does her ADD meds said recently that even if she has an I.E.P. it may benefit her as far as college goes since there will be financial help for her education.  The adjustments in her meds helped a small amount, but did not "fix" her struggles.  Now we know there are other factors involved, but I am glad now that I requested the testing.  On a lighter note, we are excited because she is getting ready for her braces to be put on!  She has been looking forward to that!  We had her teeth cleaned last week to prepare, and she had no cavities at all, and no other problems with gums etc...YAY!  She is learning to play the piano (keyboard) and is using a computer program to do it all on her own...she is doing great!  She plans to play it in the talent show soon.  She will be playing the music to a song by Taylor Swift and the Civil Wars called "Safe and Sound"...lovely tune.  She is in her room practicing some songs to try out for Choir this month...hope she makes it of course.  There are soooo many kids though that try out, so we'll see what happens.  I am so looking forward to the spring season to arrive.  I'm needing the sunshine and warmth!  Hope you are doing well.  Luise I do hope this especially for you.  Blessings to you all.  J
23
Grab Bag / Re: You are in my prayers Luise.
February 22, 2013, 09:10:32 AM
I just got notification about Val.  Luise I am so very sorry for your loss.  I cannot imagine how difficult this time must be for you.  I will keep you in my thoughts.  Blessings to you.  J
24
I would have done the same thing.  Son needed to budget better, and instead of spending a huge amount for gifts, should have saved back some for that bill.  Enabling teaches nothing...I agree with your choice.  Been there, done that!  Blessings to you.  J
25
Testing has begun!  However, second quarter grade card showed improvement on grades due to tutoring and extra study after school!  Yay!  Her band teacher had asked some of the 7th grade students about a competition usually for high school grades only...and she said she would like to participate!  Awesome!  He chose a music piece especially for her to begin working on...I am very proud of her!  I look forward to hear her practice the song and accomplish the goal of learning it, as I know she will.  SHE just taught ME how to post photos and e-mail them and put them in my photos files on computer etc...lol.  She takes lots of pictures and makes videos with the camera/video recorder we got her from Christmas.  I posted a photo of our adopted dogs on a different post, but am going to put it on this one as well.  Luise, the black girl dog is part Corgi and part black lab (27 pounds), the blond girl dog is mostly Chihuahua, but mixed with a bit of rat terrier we were told (13 pounds I think).  They are a great addition to our family.  Blessings to all  J.
26
I agree that adopting a pet can be helpful to some people...us included!  We adopted 2 from a kill shelter that are already adults.  They are a source of joy for us, especially my grandaughter! I am going to TRY and post a photo of them!  Blessings to all.  J
27
Update.  DS is still communicating with us.  Wow, huh?  I even texted with oldest grandaughter that just turned 14 this past week (the one that had the baby girl in September!).  I have a birthday card and a money gift for her, but was unable to take it to her because the grandaughter I am raising is sick and on antibiotics and did NOT want to risk spreading anything around, especially to new baby great grandaughter!  I am very pleased with the change in things obviously!  Thanks for all of your kind responses ladies.  Blessings to you all.  J
28
Luise I know exactly what you mean about being shamed!  My husband went through the exact same thing in school as a child.  But he is one of the most capable men I have ever known!  He was one that aparently could have benefited by different learning techniques.  However, he managed to overcome all of that and has been successful in his adult life.  Thank you all for the responses and advice!  We will gladly use the information you provided.  My husband and I will scratch and claw to ensure this child gets what ever she needs to get a good education.  Our goal is to make sure she can be a self sufficient, responsible, productive adult...and a happy one too!  I'm sure she will accomplish those goals.  We are sitting here together today watching old VCR tapes of when she was an infant, and toddler...oh my gosh how we have enjoyed having her!  I hate to see her grow up so quickly.  It is funny watching the videos of her falling asleep on her sit and spin lol.  Have a most joyous day ladies!  I know I am.  J
29
Due to Christmas break, the testing for grandaughter will probably begin this coming week.  I had a meeting this week at the school with specialists and a vice principal, and a teacher.  I am pleased that the teachers all say she really IS trying, it is not being lazy on her part, nor is she just neglecting her school homework...and she is very well behaved too.  Her regular physician is also cooperating with this effort to help her!  We are all working hard to make sure she gets what ever is needed to help her with her education.  She excells at the fine arts...playing flute and keyboard, clay sculpting, charcoal sketch drawings, and computer art etc.  She struggles with comprehension we are all thinking in the core subjects mainly math, science and social studies.  The testing hopefully will give us more clues.  She still continues tutoring 2 days a week for an hour after school and 2 days a week for extra study and homework help in academic lab.  So 4 days a week of extra help...she is putting forth great effort and we are proud of this little gal.  J
30
Thank you so much!  You all would not say I am blessed if you were sitting where I am right now though...my darling ornery 4 year old grandson is playing me a LOVELY song on the recorder (flute) I got him for Christmas!  lol  And he has NO trouble making it loud enough to hear!  But it is precious....so now we are listening to the "Itsy Bitsy Spider", yay!   Blessings to you all.  J