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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Pooh

31
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: A dilemma
March 14, 2016, 07:30:47 AM
Yep.  I figured something was coming like that.  Buy me groceries while I got eat at restaurants....sigh.  When will they learn.

I do have a very good Son, who has 3 children under 4.  They have their hands full, but it was by their own choices.  They manage money well and have only had to ask me to help a few times over the last 5 years, when something comes up.  They pay their day to day expenses, but have no extra to put away for an emergency.  I've paid for a washer/dryer repair, some medical bills for the kids, medicine, etc.  Necessities, not excessive stuff.  I give it to them as gifts, with no payment expected because I know they can't afford it.  Now, Son asked me one day about borrowing some money.  When I asked what it was for, he said he wanted to buy DIL a nice gift for her Birthday.  I told him that I would be happy to do it for him, but this one was not a gift.  I had already bought her a gift.  This one would have to be repaid.  And, there would be no more "gifts" of money for necessities until it was paid back.  He agreed and bless him, paid me back $20, every other week until he paid it.

So even though I have a good Son, who is responsible, I still set my limits with him on things.  I still want him to know that I will help him, but he has to make wise choices.  They also know that if I "gift" them something they can't afford that is a necessity, I better not see them out to eat the next day at a restaurant.  That would be the end of that too. 
32
Grab Bag / Re: Today Was My 89th Birthday
March 14, 2016, 07:21:42 AM
Happy Belated Birthday Luise!
33
Congrats!
34
Bamboo, you are doing everything perfectly.  You are holding your boundaries, not falling for the "whoa is me" things that she has created herself but yet still keeping the door open for communication. 

I will just throw this out there for a caution to watch for in the future.  My friend has a Daughter that was very similar to yours.  Daughter told Mom after a while, that she was going to seek counseling.  Mom was happy.  After a few weeks, the Daughter asked to sit down and talk with Mom and very nicely told her that what she had learned during counseling was that Mom was stifling her abilities, that Mom was guilty of XYZ and that Mom blah blah blah.  My friend was so upset over it.  Long story short.....Friend found out later that Daughter had never even been to a counselor!  This was her Daughter's new "lie" to try and get her way by making Mom think she had been going.

So watch out for that dupe when you have a child that is known to lie.  Not saying she will, but just keep it in the back of your mind.
35
My Mother always told me to "Pick your battles".  I really didn't understand what she meant until I got older. 

What I finally understood was that she meant to accept people for who they are, didn't mean giving in to everything that bothered me, but to cut them some slack on the pettier stuff while standing my ground on the bigger things.  A balancing act to have a decent relationship.  Lesson two was that you can't control the other person.  Some people, you can do this with just fine and it works for both of you.  Some people, it doesn't matter what you do, they will do what they want or get upset if you say anything.

So, not picking your post apart, but some of the things you listed, I can see just letting go and chalking it up to no biggie.  The whole calling the baby "hers" or "our"...I'm guilty of...but not because I think my Grandchildren are my children, it just comes out.  They come barreling in my house and I yell, "My Boys!!!!"  I've picked up my Granddaughter and said, "My Girl!" "My Sweet Pea!", etc. I went to ultrasounds with my DIL and would say, "There's our baby!"  I promise, it's no slight against their Mother.  I know she is Mom, I just feel slight ownership in them as MiMi.  :)

The touching your belly thing?  Yes, I did ask DIL and actually she would offer to let me when the babies were moving.  I'm only pointing out that if she has seen it doesn't bother you when others do it, then I'm sure she feels like then it really wouldn't bother you for Grandma to do it. 

Bibs at her house - I buy things and keep them all the time.  It never fails, that something gets left at home when they come for a visit.  Or that way, DIL doesn't have to haul so much (bath stuff, food stuff, pajamas, etc.) I also buy for them as well, so maybe that's the difference in how DIL sees it?  She'll look at me when they come over and say, "Well guess who ran off and left the diaper crème?  Do you have some?"  I'll get it, give it to her if they are going somewhere else and replenish my stash later.  I guess as Grandparents, we just assume that we will the Grandbabies around at times.  I see that one as a two way street.  They get time away from the kids, we get grandkid time.

Now, the others?  Yes, I think you need to set some boundaries.  The baby naming, the comment over the ultrasound, not including you in a tradition that you she does for everyone else...I would nicely say something.  Wait until next Christmas and see if you get a stocking (or the next time you are there for Christmas).  If you don't,  I would get with her and say, "You know I don't have to have anything, but it really hurt my feelings to be left out again."  The baby name?  I would just look at her next time and say, "We have other ideas for names that we want."  Sometimes, you can be very nice about things, sometimes a little firmer is in order.

And when all is said and done, she will either except it or she will not.  That's the thing you can't control.  Kudos to you though for wanting to figure it out with her.
36
Welcome Boston and so sorry for everything you are going through.

My DH and I are actually having this conversation currently.  I have two Granddaughters that I have never met (due to estrangement with my OS).  Now, I'm all about that I don't owe my children any kind of inheritance.  I believe what I've worked for belongs to me, not them.  So they are not going to end up with a lot.  DH and I both plan on living how we want, not any thought to what we can leave our children.  It's basically just a legal matter we want resolved so the other two don't have to deal with it if something happens.  So I have two sons and he has one daughter. 

We are simplifying it.  Either one of us passes, the other gets everything.  If we were to both to pass at once, everything divides into thirds.  YS gets a third, DD gets a third and the other third is divided between my OS's children, to be put in trust until they are 30. So OS doesn't get anything, his children do.
37
Quote from: Stilllearning on January 12, 2016, 03:29:36 AM
Oh Starfire, there are so many reasons your DS could have been throwing up and very few of them would appear to be at your MIL's house.  It could have been a bug or honestly your DS could have sensed how tense you were about going over there and reacted from nerves.  Some time between now and next Christmas why don't you let your DH take your DS down to visit his mother without you?  This has two wins in it, you get the weekend off and if there are any side effects your DH has to handle them alone which generally will calm down the urging to visit.

Hugs!

I totally agree!  He could have caught a bug from anywhere and it may not have had nothing to do with his allergies.  I love SL's suggestion!  It would be a great test to see if it happens again or if that was something else AND your DH would have to deal with it.  I find putting responsibility back on someone else sometimes works like magic. The either gain sympathy or find it's too hard to do themselves and don't suggest it again! WINNING!
38
Yes, I would be interested in what made him throw up too?  If he didn't eat any of the food that you knew he was allergic too...I'm confused.  I know the dog allergies, but I've never heard of animal allergies making someone throw up?

As far as the food allergy thing goes, I'm with Pen.  My youngest Grandson is lactose intolerant.  It will make him violently throw up.  So when he is with me, or they are coming over to dinner, I make sure there are things he can eat and I'm very careful when we have him not to let him have any (although the poor fellow begs for macaroni and cheese everywhere we go).  I think that is the right thing for a Grandma to do.  I provide for him at my home.

BUT (there is that word)....if we have him and we are taking him to a family event, or a friends house,  I make sure that I take things he can eat.  Yes, it's nice for people to think of him, but it truly isn't their responsibility.  It is mine to ensure he can eat and be safe.  Even if someone is nice, I have found they don't think things completely through like I do.  They THINK they are making something for him without milk, but forget it might have cheese, sour cream, etc. in it.
39
Quote from: Trailblazing Girl on January 05, 2016, 11:10:16 AM
Pooh, their own little monkey, oh how brilliant! did you get to name it for them? I love it!
TG

No, it was already named.  Eggshells, I just did a Lemur encounter while we were visiting a little zoo over New Year's!  They were so adorable and sweet and I got a picture of one of them kissing me!  It's my new favorite picture!
40
Lol.  I think I've gone to the dark side.  I'm finding that as I get older and have decided there is more important things in life than the petty drama, I'm getting more....ummm....lax with my "don't give a darn what they think!" 
41
How about you ask him, "Hey, just wanted to check.  I'm planning on having sex with hubby tonight and I know I can get really loud at times.  I just wanted to let you know so you can wear ear plugs or something so I don't disturb your sleep."

I'm not helping, am I?  Welcome back M!
42
I will tell you something I did this year...and not to an AC but to my Brother.  I have an older Brother, whom I just kind of have a casual relationship with.  He's my Brother, I love him but there are 10 years between us, so we never created that sibling bond.  He and I are also total opposites.  I'm very down to earth but money makes his world go round.  He married a very "high maintainence" younger women a few years ago.  Again, I'm civil to her but we have nothing in common.  They live about 12 hours away, so we really only see them a couple of times a year.

So a couple of years ago, I suggested to them that we stop buying gifts for each other and just buy for the grandbabies.  Frankly, it's a pain to buy for them because I don't spend a ton of money on gifts and both him and my SIL like the "finer" things in life.  So mostly, we just give them a gift card to a restaurant, bookstore, etc.  Not once, in all these years has either said thank you.  And I mean, with us sitting right in front of them!  They will open it, kind of looking like it's just obligatory to open it and just look at each other then put it away.  In the meantime, everyone else in the family is very considerate, grateful and full of thanks.  They were mortified that I would suggest such a thing.

So this year...I decided that if I was going to feel obligated to buy them something, I would do something that would do some good!  We have a small zoo here...like tiny.  I adopted a monkey in their name!  It was a $50 donation to adopt one.  You got a certificate, a picture and a stuffed animal that looked like it!  Oh...if you could have seen their faces when they opened the box!  They both looked at it, back at me, back at each other and SIL says, "I'm not sure I understand."  I just said, "You just helped feed and upkeep an adorable little monkey for the next year!  I know you guys don't really need anything, so I thought you might appreciate something that was giving back."  They both just kind of stared at me and said, "Oh..."

Ha ha!  I figure if they are not going to be appreciative and think my gifts are beneath them...then at least I would do some good with it and I would feel good about giving it!  :)  Yes, I'm getting more sarcastic in my older years!
43
Grab Bag / Re: dividing an estate
December 29, 2015, 07:58:05 AM
So sorry.  It's never easy to do things like this.

I will say that you need to think of it as "He's doing this to himself" more than you are doing it to him.  Not allowing you guys in or responding is his fault, not yours.
44
I love that Patience!

My hubby once told me that loving me was like being bloated with shrimp and grits.   ???

Somehow, that's not as romantic sounding as yours.
45
Grab Bag / Re: My Life Now
December 29, 2015, 07:52:41 AM
Thank you guys!  Sorry I haven't been around.  Like everything else I do, I can't do anything the easy way.

The surgery ended up being more difficult than they thought.  Apparently my disease has created massive amounts of scar tissue in my arm, so the nerve was totally squished under the elbow bone.  They had to clean out a lot of scar tissue and then actually move the nerve from under the elbow bone and relocate it into the muscles above my elbow.  Put me out of commission for the last 3-4 weeks.  I'm just now getting where I can use that arm.

It all went well though.  No problems with the actual surgery...and for those inquiring minds...I ended up having to one-hand wrap some Christmas gifts....they looked AWESOME! (insert Sarcasm there).  Hubs got sick...you got it, the day before Christmas and was really ill for 3 days.  So he missed all of Christmas.  I was worn out from loading and unloading (mostly one-handed) and transporting and visiting both sides of the family by myself. It was worth it to see everyone but boy am I still wore out.  Hubs is better and we are jokingly "celebrating Christmas" the next few days.