My husband and I are having terrible problems with our DIL because my son has no courage. We have never inter-ferred with their marriage, we have loved both of them unconditionally and We just don't get why she is always so angry. We have two beautiful grand children one who is 5 and one who is 6 months. My son gets to bring them over but my grandaughter cannot sleep over anymore, because we gave her grapes and popcorn. Now mind you she is 5 going on six and she had a mouth full of teeth. She actually told us that in an email. We could not believe it. My husband thinks it because she hated her own father because of a divorce. We have two other grandbabies and we try to do a sleep over at least once a month, with all the kids because one of our grandbabies live 45 minutes away and he is 5 also. When she is not mad at me, she is mad at her mother. Not to be rude, but she is 300 pounds and it seems to me that she is using her children for control over us. I just don't get us. Oh she also accused me of her almost losing her son when she was pregnant, because when her daughter slept over, she said that she got a cold from my house. Now mind you she goes to school and she is watched by a babysitter with other children. We were not sick and we did not give her daughter anything, but she is accusing me of she said in her email trying to kill her baby.
My son said to us at least she is not mad at me. I told him if he does not come for Christmas, we are going to be done with his family. He said he cannot do anything about it. Now mind you, he lives 1/2 mile away from my home. We have always done a big Christmas with all my kids and their kids before all of this nonsense.
My mother and mother in law were great examples as how a mother in law should be and I loved both of them. My mother just passed away in August, so I'm a little touchy about this situation and have no idea what to do. She gave us ultimatums and we have abides by all of them.
Please help.
Step back, take a deep breath and calm down. They are the way they are and you have your work cut out to learn to accept that. Don't try to make sense of the senseless. Sending love...
Welcome mareluvsbrig and so sorry you are going through all this. I was unclear on one thing though, what does her being 300 lbs have to do with you thinking she is using her children to control you? Can you explain what you meant by that please?
I have been reading about people who are very unhappy with their lives because of situations they cannot control. She has told me before all this that she is very unhappy about her weight, and that she wished she could control that. It was not to be meant as mean spirited and I do apologize for that. I am also not thin, but I do love my life and I don't have control issues. She tries to control everthing. My other sons are done with her as well. I just feel so bad about it, because she is ruining her relationship with our son and his other brothers as well. It not about just my husband and I.
Oh I knew you were not being mean, I was just trying to understand your thoughts on that. Gotcha now! Luise gave you great advice, take a deep breath and step away from the situation for a while and see what happens.
Hi Mareluvsbrig,
I am very sorry you're going through this. I am a DIL, and I know it can be very difficult. I get very upset when my MIL doesn't follow rules I have in place for my children. Was she explicit in her diet requirements? For example, my daugther (5 mth old) is not to have peanuts for awhile, but MIL disagrees b/c that isn't what was done back when she raised kids. I can only go by the information I have to go on today, and I recognize that it may be incorrect, but it is all I have to go on for now. So, in that regard, my rules, however zany or ridiculous, are to be followed.
Also, I know you say that your DIL wants to control things, but telling your DS that if he doesn't come for Christmas you will be done with his family is a form of control. It is hurtful, and it is an ultimatum. I am guilty of the same thing, and my DH has told me that when I issue him ultimatums like that, it makes him feel obligated and it makes anything I wanted him to do that much more of a resentment. I don't think a Christmas spent as a result of that would be fun for anyone. Try an open door policy; if they don't come, they don't come, enjoy yourself and be happy anyway. If they do...even better! Plus, you didn't feel like you had to do any arm twisting to get him over there.
Blending families isn't easy. Also, I might add, when I was pregnant, I got Shingles. Not knowing a thing about it, I immediately remembered my MIL had Shingles when she visited me a few weeks before that. I was very frightened and upset that she would expose me to that. However, after doing research, I was incorrect in that assumption, it is just a flare up of Chicken Pox which I had when I was younger (kinda). I believe that my being pregnant made my "pre-research" feelings all that more powerful...some things that we say when we're pregnant are a little over the top.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I certainly hope e-mailing you isn't a habit of hers, as I think it is often thought of a nice way of addressing a confrontation, but when e-mails deal with tough issues the meaning may not be conveyed correctly.
I will be thinking of you. Good luck!
Your DIL sounds like she may be difficult and she may be playing the control game.
Quote from: mareluvsbrig on December 16, 2010, 11:37:28 AM
I told him if he does not come for Christmas, we are going to be done with his family.
But then again, it seems as though you are playing the control game as well. I always find it poor logic to argue that just because something was
always done a certain way, it should continue to be done that way.
I really feel that often in life we can be happy or we can be right. Which one is more important to you? Be careful about ultimatums--they can backfire on you.
First,welcome to wise women unite, mareluvsbrig!! I am sorry you find yourself here because of issues within your family.
If you want to keep seeing your grandkids, ask the dil what her wishes are as for meals, snacks, etc. Have her list as much as possible so there is no guessing. If you are not sure, call and ask. Try reassuring her that the kids best interests are the most important and you will abide by her wishes.
I wouldn't make any demands or threats on your son right now. He's in a precarious place.
All I can suggest is that you meet as many of her demands, within reason that have to do with the childrens care and be as nice as you can be. Don't give her any fuel to start a fire with. For she holds all the cards -- YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. And she can make it so that you never seem them again.
Tread carefully here. Only you can decide whether you want to continue with your son and grandkids. I think maybe you do. Many of us are in similar situations, but no two are alike. We can only offer some support, suggestions and a hug or two. The decision is up to you. Is it worth not seeing the kids grow up? Or, can you just try to meet her demands, as for the kids, as much as possible and be happy you get to be with them.
Good luck to you.
Quote from: mareluvsbrig on December 16, 2010, 11:37:28 AM
My husband and I are having terrible problems with our DIL because my son has no courage. We have never inter-ferred with their marriage, we have loved both of them unconditionally and We just don't get why she is always so angry. We have two beautiful grand children one who is 5 and one who is 6 months. My son gets to bring them over but Carly my grandaughter cannot sleep over anymore, because we gave her grapes and popcorn. Now mind you she is 5 going on six and she had a mouth full of teeth. She actually told us that in an email. We could not believe it. My husband thinks it because she hated her own father because of a divorce. We have two other grandbabies and we try to do a sleep over at least once a month, with all the kids because one of our grandbabies live 45 minutes away and he is 5 also. When she is not mad at me, she is mad at her mother. Not to be rude, but she is 300 pounds What does that have to do with anything? and it seems to me that she is using her children for control over us. I just don't get us. Oh she also accused me of her almost losing her son when she was pregnant, because when her daughter slept over, she said that she got a cold from my house. Now mind you she goes to school and she is watched by a babysitter with other children. We were not sick and we did not give her daughter anything, but she is accusing me of she said in her email trying to kill her baby.
My son said to us at least she is not mad at me. I told him if he does not come for Christmas, we are going to be done with his family. Always be prepared when you issue an ultimatum. You may not get the answer you want. I say that as someone who has issued one and not gotten the answer I wanted. He said he cannot do anything about it. Now mind you, he lives 1/2 mile away from my home. We have always done a big Christmas with all my kids and their kids before all of this nonsense. That's your tradition. It's normal for married couples to create their own traditions. Why are yours more important?
My mother and mother in law were great examples as how a mother in law should be and I loved both of them. My mother just passed away in August, so I'm a little touchy about this situation and have no idea what to do. She gave us ultimatums and we have abides by all of them.
Please help.
Holliberri, you sure sound like a DIL that is wise and assertive when it is necessary as a mother, yet compassionate about your MIL. You'll be a great MIL some day! I wish my DIL had your insights.
Mareluvsbrig, I imagine some of the comments here may seem firm and perhaps judgmental. My experience has been that the women writing here are really trying to help, and will use "tough love" when they feel it is necessary. I know I can get defensive when it doesn't seem like others really understand how upset I am, and it does not get me anywhere positive. When I am that way, I shut down and don't allow suggestions and wisdom to even get in for me to consider. You may not feel as I do at all, but I related that hoping that if you do, you will step back and take in what others have said here. It may not all be the best advice for you, but you can think it through and decide that.
I've sometimes had a difficult time shifting from being the mother of three small children that needed me to feed them, cloth them, comfort them, etc. Now when they are adults, while I have let go in many ways, I think as moms, we always have that tendency to feel like we know best, we have experiences and learned things that they could benefit from, and that we have "earned" some respect. That's how I feel sometimes. As much as that all seems logical, the other women here have proven to me that I'm not alone.....adult kids have their own ideas, and we only suffer when we try to bend them to our will. Seems unfair, mean, and immature on their part, but we don't have control. The sooner we learn that, the smoother our lives will be! I wish I could say I have totally absorbed all this myself, but the truth is I suffer greatly as you have been, but what I've said is the goal I am striving for.
May peace and acceptance wash over you,
Gram
Quote from: 1Glitterati on December 16, 2010, 04:51:33 PM
Quote from: mareluvsbrig on December 16, 2010, 11:37:28 AM
Not to be rude, but she is 300 pounds What does that have to do with anything?
Glitter, I asked her that and she answered 3 or 4 above yours.
I just noticed that you used a name in your original post. I removed it. It's or policy not to use names. Sending love...
Why thank you, Gram! I will have to see when the time comes; I'm definitely a work in progress. I guess we all are... ;)
Is it possible that the 5 year old has some kind of intestinal issue, like irritable bowel syndrome or diverticulitis? People with diverticulitis are advised to stay away from things like popcorn (because of the kernel skin), fruit and vegetables with small seeds and skin (like grapes, tomatoes, and strawberries) and nuts because they can become lodged in the walls of the intestines and cause very painful infections.
Daisy, I actually read recently at mayoclinic.com that a new study shows no corelation between eating seeds and getting diverticulitis. It just seemed to make sense that it did contribute to the problem, so doctors recommended staying away from these hard things that don't digest. Hope this helps!
Well Ladies,
I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. I just got a call from my son. He is not coming for Christmas and his wife told him, if he does, he can come live with us again. I am not hurt by my DIL over this, but my son is and I feel so bad for him. My DIL is having her family Christmas Eve and also Christmas Day and she does not want her children at our house, because she will be with her family and not her Children. My husband and I talked about it and we do not want to make it difficult for my son, so we will see them on the 26th.
Now let me answer some of your questions. First and formost, I love my son. I love my grandbabies and that is enough for me. If we have to see them on days after the holidays, Im fine with that. Christmas should be with Husband, Wives and their Kids. I get that. I just was never used to that. I always out of respect for my Mother, Father and In Laws, went to see them on Christmas Day because we lived so close.
My grandaughter has not allergies, and can eat what ever she wants now that she is 5. My DIL has asked me not to give her grapes and popcorn when she was 1 to 2 years old. They thing is I never would have done that at 1-2 years of age to begin with. I did not hear anything from her after that. I assumed that since she was 5 going on six, that it would be OK. Well that gave her an excuse to cause some major problems within our family.
I just wanted to be the kind of MIL that would stay away unless asked to be involved. I don't mean with my grandbabies, I mean with the marriage. I am not that person who interfers. I really am not. I am so liberal about the whole MIL thing and like I said, I had very good examples in my own marriage. So I get it.
Anyway I don't think anyone can really help me. I am at her mercy and that's really the bottom line. My son told me he had to beg her to invite us to their son's 1st birthday party, so at least we can go. So Im thankful for that.
BTW WE HAVE NO CLUE WHY SHE IS BEING THIS WAY. SHE WAS ALSO THIS WAY BEFORE THEY EVEN HAD CHILDREN. I JUST DON'T GET IT.
Thanks again Ladies.
You sound like a very understanding and considerate Mother and MIL. We just have to accept that they are "who they are" and we can't change them or understand them.
Thank you Pooh for your kind words. It really is what it is. Its just a shame because we had our other two grandsons over for the weekend and we did a lot with them. When C and her brother came over, she asked us if we did a sleep over and she came out with "my mommy said I was not allowed to sleep at your house anymore". I was pretty shocked that she said that to me. I just told her that her mommy loves her and knows what is best for her. She hugged me, said I love you Mimi. That was enough for me.
Anyway thanks and Have a wonderful holiday. All you ladies have a wonderful holiday.
Marel
You sound more calm today. Way to go girl. Your dil is selfish, rude and inconsiderate, but as Pooh said. She is what she is and we cannot control the way a person is. But you have the power over yourself that can decide or make choices. I was not into the threatening thing but I do believe that sometimes for our own good and peace of mind have to take measure. For instance, I just decided one day that I would not bear with dil anymore because I couldnt do it. It affected me tremendously and I had become a sad depressed person. I do believe in ënough is enough. I too spoke to my son but I did not threaten him or dil. I just stated that would not babysit anymore on Firdays (it was my day) because everything I said or do or did not say or do was wrong. Like you, I was always blamed if my gc had the flue or stomach disease or whatever even if gc was at her moms house four weekdays. Well Marvel....it is how dil changed and now we have a very good relationship, but I struggle for about one year and a half.
The good thing in your case is that you have other grandchildren to enjoy. So enjoy those kids and probably things will change in the near future. Do not beg...please. Now consider that your son is not afraid of her....he is afraid of hurting his marriage so try to understand him also. I have been where you are now....and believe me I understand you and will keep you in my prayers.
Love
Mare,
You sound much better today. I know it is probably not much consolation, but at least you are not the one that is forcing him to choose. I think this puts you in a very good position going forward. You're being as accomodating as you can be. He'll see this, I believe. I think Nana makes a very good point about him not wanting to hurt his marriage. That is a big difference from being afraid of her.
I will be thinking of you over the holiday and enjoy the 26th. You will be having your own day with them, and (I think) all of the family will be there...including DIL, right? This may work best for them, keeping their family together on the 25th and the 26th.
Best of luck.
I am much better today becasue of all you wonderful women. Gosh I don't know what i would have done without you guys. Thanks again for making me see the light. I can now face Christmas with a smile and not a tear. It would have been so hard this year with my mom passing and everything, but now I know that I can smile and she will smile down on me because of what wonderful women I have just had the pleasure of speaking with.
Thank you all again for the love support and prayers.
Happy to have you here too.
Merry Christmas
QuoteBTW WE HAVE NO CLUE WHY SHE IS BEING THIS WAY. SHE WAS ALSO THIS WAY BEFORE THEY EVEN HAD CHILDREN. I JUST DON'T GET IT.
I do - you just described our soon-to-be ex-DIL. She suffers from BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. There are many sites on the internet re this mental health issue with lots of help in how to best "interact". I'm so sorry but I suspect this probably will be your burden to bear - it's a heavy one. Wishing you peace this season ....
Thanks JDTM:
After reading about the condition, I am convinced that she is Borderline Personality. She has problems with her own family and when she is not mad at my family, she is mad at her own. It will not be our burden to bear becasue we are totally done with her. My son and I have a good relationship and I am not going to feed into his wife. End of story. She does allow him to come see us with the children and that is all that counts to me. Hey its really his burden to bear. I feel so bad for him, but he chose her and he has to live with her.
Thanks again for your comments and thank you for letting me see the light. :) Happy Holidays.
I may be alone in thinking this, and if so that is okay. I'm a little alarmed at the number of people that suggest their DILs have BPD. I, too, have been accused of having BPD, but my MIL has NO idea that I'm in counseling over the issues that I've had with her. She is convinced that I have BPD, but my therapist hasn't even suggested that I do. In addition, my DH comes to some of my therapy sessions to talk about things that have happened and to facilitate better communication between us. She has seen me interact with him and react to the discussion of past events.
I'm sorry, I consider my doctor the authority on this. My MIL is just so sure that I have BPD b/c she visited a few websites and someone close to her suggested that I may have it. Sorry, the websites and her friends haven't heard my side of the story. To me, that is convenient, for her. It allows her to dismiss any real issues I have with her; like telling me in front of the entire family that she is afraid I won't remain faithful to DH when he deploys, or stomping her feet and crying when our best friend dies and we need to cut our visit short with them in order to attend his memorial service. It allows her to make me the villain when DH can't get off of work to visit them over the holidays. I could go on, but I think it is moot. I'm trying to let go of these things and not let them affect me, so to continue would only be self-defeating.
This has made it impossible for me to talk to her about real issues because she won't take my feelings seriously. I've never yelled at her, called her names, or intentionally kept her GD away from her, yet she seems afraid of me and thinks that I am set on doing ALL of those things, particularly b/c I live near my family and not hers.
I am open to discussing these issues openly with her, but my DH doesn't think I would say it sensitively enough for MIL. He has asked me just to pretend like there are no issues; so avoidance is my only option it seems. It is so weird, b/c out of all of this, it seems to my that the real communication problem isn't between me and MIL, or me and DH, but it is between MIL and DH. Any issues he does have with her result in her crying and her thinking that I put him up to it. He would NEVER address an issue I had with her, so his issues with her are his issues, not mine.
I'm very sorry for posting this, but I think when we write someone off as having BPD when we don't know that they do, we're limiting our chances for open communication with them, and a possible good relationship with them in the future. This isn't to say that some women on here aren't legitimately dealing with personality disorders, but not every DIL has BPD.
I would like to say that MIL has passive aggressive and hypersensitive personality disorders...but when I look at it from her situation: she has no DDs, her DSs moved far away, and all the men in her life expect her to behave irrationally b/c she is a woman (and yes, I'm serious about this; the comments in that family about women are despicable), I can see why she'd be lacking in communication skills. It really has nothing to do with a disorder. When I look at it from that particular angle, perceived slights towards me are a lot easier to handle. Although, I am still smarting about the BPD comments...so seriously, even if you believe it, and say it on here...please watch who you say it to in real life.
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why someone in this case it's inlaws, decide to go off and do whatever they can to drive wedges between loved ones.
I don't feel, whether if it be the MIL or the DIL,that it's fair if there isn't a given reason for the abrupt change. Why would anyone cause unhappiness in their own family? I don't get it.
It doesn't matter what you do, mareluvsbrig--your dil has all the control. It is now up to your son to put HIS foot down and be the mediator if there is ever to be peace in your family. It's only fair. Can you speak to him? Can you find out what may have occurred that brought this about? Even if its just for your own peace of mind. He needs to be open to you and you need not to fight her thru him.
The outlandish demands of hers will need to be met by you. Maybe during this time, you will be able to get closer to her. Let her know you are NOT the enemy. That she can trust you to carry out her wishes where the kids are concerned and you will do your best not to interfere. That is all you can do.
But take respite in the fact there are soooo many going thru a similar situation such as yours and you are not alone. And that you may have more hoops to jump thru and may have difficulties. Keep a journal. Dates. Times. Events. Comments. Demands. It could very well be a journal of the kids growing up but just be sure to note all the other things. In a way where it sounds more like reminders for you: A page in the journal could be as innoccuous as this:
Date/time -- "The kids were just dropped off a couple hours ago and they are busy learning _______ with grandpa. I cant believe how much they have grown already. I am going to be sure to note those milestones and make sure I keep a list of reminders for them, as well. For little "granddaughter" requested popcorn and I know that is not allowed. I told her her mom will have to say it's ok first. I found the list of snacks that my dil request I give to them and fixed gd some apples instead. The kids are such a joy in our lives."
Then there will be no guessing and you will have a wonderful memory from those little times the kids say or do something and it gets passed too quickly.
Good luck mareluvsbrig. Don't worry. It isn't you, personally. She is having some issues. I just hope you find a place that the two of you can meet halfway, or that you find out what it is so that you can take necessary steps to correct it. (But, I don't think there is any one thing. I do believe it's her)