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Actually Coco - it's a pretty good philosophy.  I work based on the assumption that people don't MEAN to be mean to me.  Because that way, if they're just having a bad day, or didn't mean to sound as harsh as they did, then "no harm - no foul".  And if they DID mean to be mean - well, then they didn't win, because they didn't hurt me.

We also run on the philosophy that we CAN'T read each other's mind.  It sounds stupid, but if you put it out there and BELIEVE it, then there's much fewer hurt feelings.  So if I think that my Dh should 'just know', I back it up and I tell him!  Instead of huffing around the kitchen cleaning up ALONE, I ask him for help, and he usually does, because he can't read my mind and he didn't know I wanted help.  It's awesome!

Good luck Invisible - as the brits say, keep you chin up!

Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD sais those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.

Second wife, why do you have to spend Mother's day with your husband?  If he wants to see 1stW's parents (and not his? aroo?) on Mother's day, well, let him.  And YOU and your DS can go see your Mom.  I don't know why it has to be a fight or anything, just "See you later hon!  Have fun!"

Don't forget that you're a mother too - you should be able to celebrate how YOU want to.  My DH and I have a deal, we do what *I* want on Mother's Day and we do what *he* wants on Father's day.    I think that's fair.

I really like your idea of hosting everyone - but you should make it a BBQ or something that the "menfolk" are responsible for, so that YOU get celebrated too.  As for how to tell them, say "We thought we'd try something different this year and celebrate ALL of these Moms, we'd really like for you to come."  And if they don't come, then TOO BAD, SO SAD for them.  You've invited them, and then it's up to them to show up.

Scoop

Sorry Luise.
I realized after you took it down that it wasn't appropriate.
It won't happen again.

Scoop

I think the hardest part of the MIL-DIL relationship is all the different personalities involved.  You didn't appreciate being pulled into the family, so you're treating your son's GF differently.  However, who knows?  Maybe she's at home crying that you're not welcoming her into the family!

Your best bet is to get to know her, listen to her and be nice.  Also, talk to your son.  Make sure that he's doing everything he can to smooth things out between you.  He probably won't marry this one, but it'll be good practice for him for the future. 

Scoop
PSHHHHHHT!

Oh Heartstrings!  I wish that new moms came with a warning.  When you have a new baby, you have everyone (and the internet) giving you advice, AND your hormones are ALL over the place.   Especially if you're nursing.  If you're nursing the baby, you have a hormonal attachment too, on top of the typical "I-love-my-baby-so-much" feelings.

Honestly, when DD was just born, my Mom was making supper and she sprayed a pan with PAM, and I had such a strong reaction to that "pshht" sound.  The 'cave woman' in me shouted "DANGER!  POISON!"

Also, when DD cried, if DH was holding her I would react and say "what did you do to her?" quite harshly.  I did apologize later and explained to him that it was a hormonal reaction.  And really, that was my HUSBAND, her father.

I hope it's not too late for you and your son and DIL.  Please do not take this personally because it's not about YOU, it's about her and her strong 'new mom' feelings.  She will get over those, but she might not get over an argument with you over something that she is COMPELLED to do.

PScoop

Okay Anna  - WHOA!

Please do not compare me to YOUR DIL - that's just the meanest thing I've seen on this board yet! 

I'm so sorry Anna that you ended up with the DIL you have.  I can't give you any ideas on her perspective, because I just don't get it.

Scoop

PS - I hope you know I was joking up there!  I know that I'm new here and you all don't know my personality yet, and I don't want to hurt any (already tender) feelings.

I think it's important to remember that there are evil MIL's as much as there are evil DIL's in this world.

So they're not talking about YOU, they're talking about their own evil-MIL.

It's actually been quite a stumbling block for me about posting here, because I want to "stick up" for the DIL's, but often I just can't justify their behaviour, because it's WRONG.  So I remind myself that not all MIL's are like mine (not nice) and not all DIL's are like me (trying to be nice).

Isitme - I can see both sides of this.

My first thought was that you shouldn't wait to tell anyone, that you should "begin as you mean to go on".   You're not doing anything wrong, or anything to be ashamed of, I'm sure you want to shout it from the rooftops.

But on the other hand, I can see where your counselor is coming from, that you need to make decisions as a couple.  That as soon as you tell people, they will have opinions and if your ideas aren't "set", and those people have considerable influence (like Family), then you're getting yourself set up for a tug-of-war, and it won't be pretty.

I think that the important part of what your counselor said is that you should get your ducks in a row before you tell anyone.  So ... get your ducks in a row!  And practice this line "That sounds like a good idea, I'll talk to FDH about it and we'll let you know OUR decision."

In the same spirit of "begin as you mean to go on", I can see that if you start by telling all of your family and friends ALL of your business, it's harder to draw the line later on.   For example, you tell people "we put an offer on a house!" not "we're thinking of moving!" and "we're pregnant!" not "we're trying!", because otherwise you're opening it up for discussion, and it can put a lot of pressure on you (and DH, and your marriage).  I really believe that some things and some decisions have to stay WITHIN the marriage.  However, I think that the engagement announcement is not one of those, I think that if you have no doubts, then you SHOULD be shouting it from the rooftops.

Just my little opinion.

Scoop.

PS - I'm troubled that you wrote that this is scary and confusing to you.  When I got married, it just felt RIGHT.  And all the choices we made felt right for US.  Are you SURE you're ready to get married to this guy, and his family, FOREVER?

I'm a DIL who lurks.  I have learned quite a bit about my Mil's position from coming here (see my post in Success Stories).

I used to say that I took 50% of the responsibility for my relationship with MIL, but the last time they visited, I realized something else.  I realized that DH also has a responsibility too.  Of all the people involved, it was surely in his best interest to make sure that MIL & I got along.   And of all the people involved, DH knows his DM and he knows his DW, shouldn't HE be able to smooth things out between us?

I think this is why there are usually fewer conflicts between SonIL's and PIL's, because women are usually the ones who step in and smooth out the differences in relationships.

The last time the PIL's visited, I felt that MIL overstepped on something, but instead of getting mad at her, I got mad at DH, because I told him what was going on and he did nothing.  He could have stepped in, without stepping on MIL's toes, and then *I* would have been happy, and MIL would have been happy AND, through the "Happy wife, happy life" idiom, DH and FIL would have been happy. 

I was MAD at DH and he totally retreated and said "I should keep her in check" and then I was MADDER at him.  It's not about keeping anyone "in check", it's about LUBRICATING our interactions, so that there's less stress.

I wonder what would happen if the Sons/DHs were held more accountable for the problems between the MILs & DILs?  Can you imagine if you had someone who loved you, who also understood your DIL (or MIL), and could tell you where the landmines are?  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Why aren't we pushing for it?