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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 09:55:59 AM

Title: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 09:55:59 AM
Things with my MIL have been "better" since the wedding. And although she still tries to manipulate us, it isn't as bad as it was. I'm still bitter over the stuff she put us through with the wedding, but I know she will never apologize for any of it, so I just don't give into that "bitter" attitude anymore. It was poisoning me.  :(

Anywho, that's not what is bothering me. My MIL is my friend on Facebook, has been for a long time. About a month after DH and I got engaged, she uploaded a bunch of family photos. I know that she had a ton of "family photos" that I was in at this point  (which she said she would email to me- nothing yet), but for some reason she didn't upload a single photo that had me in. Ok, no biggie she just loaded HER family (which she has articulated that I am not a part of even now that DH and I are married and I never will be). The thing is she DIDN'T just upload pics of HER family. BIL1's EX-gf is in some of them.

I can't help but think that she did this deliberately to hurt me. It makes me feel so unwanted. I just want to cry. What explanation is there for this in the day and age of digital photography? She uploaded these pics DAYS after our engagement. Shouldn't that have still been on her mind? Shouldn't she have wanted to include her new (soon to be) DIL?

Incidentally, DH and I still have no photos of his side of the family up in our house. I am STILL waiting on the photos. I have a frame that is waiting for his family pictures (it matches the frame with my family pics in it-- I'm all about symmetry lol). Why won't she give me pictures?

I've thought of "stealing" Facebook photos from her or SIL's albums, but neither of them has put up a single photo that has me in it. There aren't even ones of "just the family" they all have one of the bf/gf's in them. 

Anywho, I'm just SAD and could use some insight  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: lancaster lady on March 01, 2011, 10:25:14 AM
Hi Anon
FB has a lot to answer for ...should come with a government warning !!
Why not upload your own photos and put them on your own FB page ,maybe childish but whats good for goose etc ....
Or maybe ask for the photos she promised and put them on FB.
My DIL has her own family photos on show , but none of her DH family .
Can't say it bothers me ,but at a family gathering two years ago I did post family photos including her .
Unless you know she has purposely done this to hurt you ....don't be hurt .
If things are better ,can you ask her why you are missing?
You are her family now ,wish she would except and welcome you .
She gives us MIL's a bad name !!
Don't be sad ...shake it off ....picture her in a silly mask ....and laugh !
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 10:26:51 AM
When I'm being overanalytical over why people do things on Facebook, it gets me nowhere. Like, I was angry that at Thanksgiving, my MIL had printed out every single photo I posted on Facebook of DD and put  them up around her house. I also noticed that I was cut out (cut around is more like it) of all of them.

I do not know why she is doing that, but on the other hand I know why I was wondering about it...I must have been looking for trouble. Her actions can't make me sad if I don't let them. I can't really be mad about her taking the photos b/c I plaster them all over my page and have no control after that. I could be sad/mad/annoyed about being clipped away from my own precious moments (holding DD for the  first time, a wedding photo of DH and I that is now only of him and a tree he was standing next to)....but you know what? I'd be giving her way too much power and it's wasting my time. For all I know there is some shrine somewhere in her house with all the cut out Holliberri bodies/faces.

I'm kind of sorry I had to type about it.

But still, not everything on Facebook is done to sent a message to someone else. And if it is..."Well, I never got the message in the first place, oh well." Power is diffused. My MIL was very upset that I posted photos of DD on Facebook b/c she felt I was rubbing in my time with DD that she doesn't have. She forgets that I have a few hundred other acquaintances on there. 

I don't think you can get insight.

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 01, 2011, 10:36:18 AM
What a world we live in... Adil... I would start by calling her and requesting the photo once again, and then I'd stop looking at her facebook.  I'm not even 'friends' with my own children.. oh but come to think of it my future sil did just ask to be my friend.. he'll be surprised that all I have on my fb is Lowe's ads that was my whole reason for even getting a page.. I don't have friend, no conversations, and I refuse to play farmville or whatever it is.

I think I liked fb better when it was a college social network... but as Holli said, you are giving her to much power in your life.

Holli.. isn't that odd behavior from your mil... I mean really her whole closet could be plastered with Holli photographed body parts.  Once again I am patting myself on the back and saying, darn I'm a much better mil then my dil will ever realize :)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Rose799 on March 01, 2011, 10:40:31 AM
If you'll provide an address, ADIL, a few WW might be willing to pay MIL a visit to inquire on your behalf.  Some WW are retired & have the free time...  We could get little travel trailers & form a convoy, going house to house, toting picket signs with questions we'd like answered.   Wild Women United, what a concept!!! 


 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 10:41:36 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on March 01, 2011, 10:25:14 AM
If things are better ,can you ask her why you are missing?
You are her family now ,wish she would except and welcome you .
She gives us MIL's a bad name !!
Don't be sad ...shake it off ....picture her in a silly mask ....and laugh !

I guess I don't want to "stir the pot" which is why I didn't ask these are photos she has "owed" me for 2 years. I SHOULD have though when she commented on our new picture when she came up for dinner. We got a family photo done for my mom for her b-day because both my brother and I are married now. MIL made one of "those" faces when she saw the one of just DH and I. One of those "where's my copy" kinda look/comment/thing. I should have mentioned about wanting to put the her pics up (I think I might have mentioned about the other frame later, but don't remember for certain)

The last part did actually make me smile. Thanks. :-)

Holli, you're right it is "wasting my time." I don't know why I even bothered looking at her album. I know she won't include me. There were some new photos in my news feed that SIL put up from our wedding and rehearsal dinner. I'm not in any of those either. I mean, really why would you want the bride in a wedding pic? lol But SIL's boyfriend was in the pics. So, it's not a "family" picture. :-(

There I go wasting my time again! lol
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 10:43:10 AM
Quote from: Rose799 on March 01, 2011, 10:40:31 AM
If you'll provide an address, ADIL, a few WW might be willing to pay MIL a visit to inquire on your behalf.  Some WW are retired & have the free time...  We could get little travel trailers & form a convoy, going house to house, toting picket signs with questions we'd like answered.   Wild Women United, what a concept!!! 

Well, I hear it is really HOT where she's from...... LOL sorry, just couldn't help myself!
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Scoop on March 01, 2011, 10:50:50 AM
Naw Adil, it wasn't about you.  It was about her.

She was looking through her pictures and she put up the ones she liked.  That's it.

Now, you know she doesn't like you and doesn't consider you family.  Why are you surprised that she doesn't put photos of you up?

Stop waiting for a family picture from her, you're not going to get it.  Fill that frame with something else.  Make a nice collage of DH's family if you have separate pictures (include one of you and DH together).  Make a scrapbook type page with a favourite quote "The days go by so slowly, but the years they go so fast" or "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

As for her Facebook page, you can block it without un-friending her. 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Rose799 on March 01, 2011, 11:00:08 AM
I'll need a little more time to consider going thaaat far on your behalf, ADIL.   ;D

I bet there is a secret shrine in your name, Holli! 

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 11:00:59 AM
Quote from: Scoop on March 01, 2011, 10:50:50 AM
Now, you know she doesn't like you and doesn't consider you family.  Why are you surprised that she doesn't put photos of you up?

You're right. I shouldn't be surprised.

Maybe it's time to "redo" both frames. I can put some wedding photos and lines from our vows and song in them. The only photos I have of DH's family are the ones the photographer took at the wedding. The two frames are on either side of our engagement photo which had a mat for everyone to sign at the wedding. It would actually look really nice that way.

Thanks, Scoop. I think I might have to start on this tonight. :-)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Rose799 on March 01, 2011, 11:06:42 AM
For what it's worth, ADIL, I'm still waiting on wedding photos dd promised 5 years ago... 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Faithlooksup on March 01, 2011, 11:37:45 AM
Hello ADIL,   I am sorry to hear about this--however of course she is playing games with you....Counterpoint--dont play in her games, respectfull said~~she is not worth it.....for I also had a Nasty MIL so I understand...Let her post on her walls what ever she wants, someday, someone will ask her where are pictures of you.

If she is not sending you any pictures--fine, let her be that way.  Just fill up your frames with more pictures of your family and DH...Please do not bend to her for someone whom treats you that way just is not worth it...I would no longer waste my time---let her come to you...live your life and leave her out of it...and the more you just ignore her, perhaps she may wonder.

Actually the ball is in your court....you can bounce the ball back to her and play the game---or you can say "Games Over" and walk away.....

Wishing you the Best...Faith
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 11:48:05 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 01, 2011, 10:36:18 AM
Holli.. isn't that odd behavior from your mil... I mean really her whole closet could be plastered with Holli photographed body parts.  Once again I am patting myself on the back and saying, darn I'm a much better mil then my dil will ever realize :)

Here's the thing. There's a possibility I'm reading way too much into how she chooses to decorate her house. In which case, that makes me a little neurotic.

There's also a possibility that due to space/frame size/themes, that it suited to have DS in the photos but not me.

I wouldn't want someone coming into my house asking me about my decorating motifs, so I shouldn't be thinking about hers. Funny, I wouldn't have noticed at all if she didn't have any photos of anyone.

Same goes for Facebook. She may be trying to bait me, but no matter how I look at it, I don't see me coming out squeaky clean if I start a battle about it. 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2011, 12:22:20 PM
IMHO you are looking for logic where there isn't any. She is a small person and acts that way. You are so wise not to take the bait. Put up your own pictures. I seldom go to Facebook...it is too superficial for me and even though it hasn't been used as a battlefield by my extended family...I know it is becoming very common to use to insult people. How sad. What she does is about her...and it's not very complimentary. Don't look for respect and kindness in those who find it a totally foreign concept. Sending love...
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 01, 2011, 12:53:34 PM
ADIL, I am so sorry she did that.  And I mean it...I know how bad it feels.  I am a big FB supporter and I love mine, but my DIL only posts pics of her side of the family, and my Ex's side...never any of my side.  Her bridal shower, wedding, rehearsal...not a one posted with my family in it.  And even worse, when I remarried, I had both my Sons in it, and my Stepdaughter and DIL.  We had the four of them as our wedding party (And yes, I asked them, not demanded it...lol).  Afterwards, I tagged my DIL in the photos that had her in them....she untagged herself!!!!  Lol.  It's funny now, but at the time I was very hurt.  I asked her after her wedding if I could pick some photos of them from the photographer and pay for them to have, and she said I could.  That never happened either.

So now, I don't worry about it.  And back in December, for whatever reason, she unfriended me. (Still don't know why that was.) I have pictures up in my home of both my Sons, GD, SD and even ones from the wedding that have DIL in them.  I put up the ones I love and cherish.  You can do the same.  Pick out something you love and put in that beautiful frame.

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: JaneF on March 01, 2011, 01:44:55 PM
This photo issue must be pretty common! Pooh it is the same for me. My DIL/DS have pictures all over Facebook and hanging in their home. These photos only contain people in her FOO, not a single one of anyone in DS's family. I too have never been given a single wedding photo, and only got two 3x5 COPIES of a family photo and a COPY 8x10 (that I did myself) in 12 years. Her FOO has tons of them and GC photos, I have been given 2 or 3 total. I never have said a word because it would have caused issues. I understand how upset a person would be to be cut out of photos that your MIL displays...sorry you have to deal with that. I used to get sad and have hurt feelings, but I let go of it. It's the way it is, and it won't change, so staying sad would be unhealthy and is a waste of time. I quit displaying photos at home except for one 4 foot tall multi frame display of grandchildren. Of course I do not have up to date pictures of DIL/DS's kids since they don't share, and I don't see them to take my own photos. At least I have a few of the kids, even if they aren't recent. Facebook can be a hurtful tool for some folks, I know because there have been awful things said on there for the world to see. Sometimes it's best to not even look, and also wise to block those that put awful things on your wall! I do not have time for childish games. To all that have posted on this topic, keep your chin up. We are important people too! I am sorry there are people that are so thoughtless to others, but that's reality and life is too short to question why. Wishing all of you wonderful ladies a wonderful day.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 01, 2011, 02:30:54 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 01, 2011, 09:55:59 AM

I can't help but think that she did this deliberately to hurt me. It makes me feel so unwanted. I just want to cry. What explanation is there for this in the day and age of digital photography? She uploaded these pics DAYS after our engagement. Shouldn't that have still been on her mind? Shouldn't she have wanted to include her new (soon to be) DIL?

Anywho, I'm just SAD and could use some insight  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Adil... what  did your dh say about this.. I know that guys are often oblivious to these nasty unnecessary games, but doesn't it bother him that the woman he is married to has been so callously excluded from his family?

Holli, I guess I have the same question for you.. has your dh even noticed that his mother has chopped you out.. thank god she didn't insert her own face on your body or something really sick.

I could be summing it up to easily, but I can't help  but to see the insecurities in people who conduct their lives in this manner.   I know that I was thinking about trying to have my three kids photographed together.  Of course I would also have one taken with my son and his wife, but I would like to have one of the three brothers and sisters.. My son approached me with concerns of leaving his wife out of the picture.. I said I'm not I'll have a pic of you two.. he said yes but she feels that she should be with us kids... I thought why?  Am I slighting her by thinking this way?
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 02:39:51 PM
FB is the root of a lot of problems, especially when you're dealing with a passive aggressive person.  I have also been in that boat but with a different situation.  My DH's stepsister took pictures for us at our wedding (a verbal agreement we made ahead of time- she was basically acting as our 2nd photographer) and decided to hold them hostage after my MIL fussed enough about what a big meanie my DH was for giving her boundaries and enforcing them.  Furthermore, I requested new family photos be done while people were in town for the wedding because their old family photo was years and years ago and DH's ex wife (she was only his girlfriend at the time) is in all the pictures, which of course were plastered all over all of their houses.  So I thought- hey, now that we're married and they hadn't had a family photo in probably 7 years, it would be a good opportunity and they can have a new picture without DH's xw in it.  Well, I coordinated that with stepsis as well and the whole family acted as if they thought it was a great idea and were completely on board with it.  When stepsis sent her letter to us telling us she was not giving us any of the pictures she already agreed to take for us, she told us she wasn't giving us the family photos either and she wasn't going to "spend any time" on them until she saw that "a real family existed."  Fine, no sweat off my back because quite frankly at that point their pictures weren't going up in my house anytime soon anyway...

But then, MIL opened up a facebook account and made her profile picture a crop of herself from the family pictures we took.  (I only found out because stupid facebook did the "people you may know" on the side and she came up one day)  Then I see that her sister- DH's aunt- changes her profile picture to a cropped pic of herself from the family pictures that I had requested.  I can't help but think that they did this to show me- "Haha, we got these pictures and you didn't!"  Then when MIL writes to DH, she tells him 'I don't know why stepsister won't send them, I would like a copy of them too!"  So she clearly flat out lied, because she obviously has copies of some of them.  I eventually took his aunt off my facebook friends and of course his mom and I never added each other.  But I remember being so hurt that the pictures that I coordinated and I had the agreement with stepsister on OBVIOUSLY went to my MIL while being held over my head.  I would bet a good amount of money that she also received the wedding pictures that are being refused to me as well.  I know fb causes so many problems, but I still don't think I will deactivate anytime soon.  I already cancelled one of my social network accounts because DH's xw was stalking me and I finally just had to cancel.  I refuse to let them ruin my fun with my friends again.

ANYWAY, really stop looking at her stuff.  I agree (and had to finally realize myself) that pondering why and what you ever did to her to make her dislike you won't get you anywhere.  It's not you- she's the one with the problem.  If this is going to upset you, I'd avoid her page and maybe put her on limited profile on your end if you don't feel it's an appropriate time to just flat out block her.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 02:41:01 PM
Laurie- are you talking about your 3 kids WITH you and H?  Or just your 3 kids together by themselves?  If that's the case, I think DIL needs to get a grip.  I can't remember, are your other kids married?
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 01, 2011, 02:50:02 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 02:41:01 PM
Laurie- are you talking about your 3 kids WITH you and H?  Or just your 3 kids together by themselves?  If that's the case, I think DIL needs to get a grip.  I can't remember, are your other kids married?
Yeah I wasn't real clear.. sorry... just the three kids by themselves.. and no my other kids are not married..and I could see them saying but shouldn't so and so my bf/gf etc be in the picture blah blah blah.  I thought I was being nice to offer to have a photographer take a picture of them together.  I doubt that she really wants one hanging in her house with her dh's kid bro and sister, who btw might be making ugly faces behind dil's head.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 02:53:49 PM
Uhhhhhhhh yeah I'm still going with DIL needs to get her panties out of a twist.  She's not a sibling.  It's not like you're including the rest of the family without her, and you're still getting a picture of the two of them.  Dang, DS needs to tell her to woman up!
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: tryingmybest on March 01, 2011, 02:58:23 PM
I've been married for almost 36 years now, and on a visit to my MIL's apartment I noticed a beautiful family photo montage hanging on her wall, everyone was in it..well almost everyone - not one picture of me. Hmm, but she's a strange person. I remembered when my my SIL got married in 1993 I was going through chemo for breast cancer -  and was the only family member not asked to participate in some way in the ceremony..not only that neither she or her daughter even spoke to me during the reception..can you say cancer isn't catching ladies?... finally decided none of it had a blasted thing to do with me, her stuff was her stuff and I could choose how much energy I wanted to spend dealing with it, answer - none!  ;D.  And 17 -years later I'm still here, probably drives her nuts ::)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2011, 03:07:48 PM
Oh, the photo issues. I'm so sorry for we who are dealing with the passive-aggressive tactic of DIL/MIL using photos against us. How childish.

It's odd because I woke up this morning thinking about DS's childhood pics that DIL "borrowed" for a slide show at the wedding. She requested pics that only had DS in them (should have been my first clue.) They were never returned. One of them is framed and hangs on their wall now with all the photos of her FOO, not one of DS's FOO.

Note to self: Next time, I won't let anyone hurry me; I'll make sure I have time to scan and print. I'll never let go of the originals. (My thought was "She's family, I can trust her.")

DS/DIL's wedding pics or video? Still waiting. Luckily my friend had a camera, LOL.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 03:30:21 PM
I have to give full disclosure:  My MIL has not received any of the professional photographs from our wedding.  A month after the wedding she really lost her mind with testing DH's boundaries.  That when when our "time out" started and ultimately evolved into a cut off.  It was still a time out when we got our pictures back.  We got our video back before the pictures, but still when we were in a time out and I still sent it to MIL.  But after I heard that stepsister had conspired to hold our wedding pictures hostage because of all the lies MIL was telling her...I wasn't too keen on the idea of spending my energy copying all my other photographers' pictures to CD for her.   I suggested it anyway as I thought maybe it would help her warm up to the idea of conceding and compromising with us about her behavior and DH tossed that idea out the window really quickly.  Truthfully, I was kind of glad he didn't want to, so I didn't press the issue.  Besides, I figure she can get wedding pictures from her little pet stepsister since she won't give them to us.

HOWEVER, Pen, I know you never did anything like this so I really feel bad for you about not getting wedding pictures.  Have you guys ever asked for them?
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 03:33:06 PM
@Laurie, I made mention of it to DH once (especially since they were photos I took) and he insisted I was seeing something that wasn't there.

Also...I was at Christmas with my ILs. MIL has 7 other brothers and sisters (4 brothers, 3 sisters). They were ALL married at the time the following photos were taken: GMIL and all of her children, GMIL and her girls, GMIL and her boys.

@Pen, I can not get a legitimate glossy photo of my DH growing up. My wedding had printed copies of his photos while mine were glossy copies of originals. His were really grainy and an awful mess. That should've been my first clue. I certainly would've paid to get photo-quality copies of the originals, but I wasn't trusted to do that. I never would've kept anything. I also think that if I was in her place, I would have had fun collecting the photos (being a part of the wedding planning a bit) and then paid for glossy photo prints myself to give to my child. I would be part of making their day special that way.

I've never seen one photo that MIL has taken of us, yet she has all of mine (yes, she has printed out all 1500 photos I've taken since DD has been born). She's like a photo hoarder, and I feel like I'm not able to give a piece of my DD's history to her. She must have all my photos but when it comes time for sharing..no way.

The clincher?

I needed a photo of DH and I for our adoption papers. I figured I'd ask my mom for one and her for one (since they do take photos of us on special occasions). Digital photos are the norm nowadays, right? She should just e-mail me one over...no problem, I'll take care of the rest. She did e-mail. She e-mailed me a scanned copy of the photo instead of a copy of the original photo file. It was unusable. This is the woman I invited to go along to travel with me when the time comes to adopt.

Facebook photos don't bother me a bit, not being on her walls doesn't bother me either, the copies of the photos at the wedding was just small stuff, but the photo for the adoption? Something that I'm including her in and something that is very important to DH and I? I don't understand it.   
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 01, 2011, 03:39:46 PM
It might be quite possible that she doesn't understand what you actually needed for the papers.. I know my own fil is so bad about photos.. he prints out photos from cell phone files and then tries to frame the computer paper photo that he finally printed and he sees nothing wrong with the quality.  I'm into photo quality.. some people just don't see it.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 03:45:37 PM
Haha. I asked, Laurie. I asked. So, the adoption agency has a photo of DH's especially long arm holding the camera for us, with me standing on a chair to get on his level. And when we take self-portraits like that, I never realized, but I stick my nose up. It took like 10 takes before I was able to avoid nostril shots.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2011, 03:57:55 PM
Regarding people deliberately doing hurtful things...that is always about them and how we respond is about us. It took forever for me really get that and I have felt so much better since I got it. I used to think my reaction was their fault and then I felt so helpless.  I'm not! They do what they do and I am my own person.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 04:02:20 PM
But, Louise! Controlling what other people do is so much easier!  :D :D :D

I definitely see the wisdom in your statement, and while it has gotten me far trying to live by that (7 years ago, I'm sure I'd have been steaming mad about my photos being altered)...man...what a work in progress I am. There's always something else I find that bothers me. Maybe, I'm just too difficult.  ;)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 01, 2011, 04:03:11 PM
Quote from: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 03:45:37 PM
Haha. I asked, Laurie. I asked. So, the adoption agency has a photo of DH's especially long arm holding the camera for us, with me standing on a chair to get on his level. And when we take self-portraits like that, I never realized, but I stick my nose up. It took like 10 takes before I was able to avoid nostril shots.
Oh are you talking about the two faces and a shoulder shot?   I hate those.. it's like facebook gone adopting  ... I think that 80% of all fb photos have that same shoulder shot
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2011, 04:08:42 PM
We area all  always a work in progress and it never stops. The name of the game is life.  ;D
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 01, 2011, 04:13:45 PM
Yep. That's the one. I can't stand them either. I got keyed up about the scanned photo via e-mail, so I decided we needed a photo then and there. I could've waited, but I was in my, "This is why you have to do everything yourself" mood that I get in sometimes.

They called us back to move forward with a home study...so I guess they didn't mind it much. But, definitely tacky on my part, at least it was an original photo paper and crystal clear.  :)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2011, 10:01:14 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 03:30:21 PM
I have to give full disclosure:  My MIL has not received any of the professional photographs from our wedding.  A month after the wedding she really lost her mind with testing DH's boundaries.  That when when our "time out" started and ultimately evolved into a cut off.  It was still a time out when we got our pictures back.  We got our video back before the pictures, but still when we were in a time out and I still sent it to MIL.  But after I heard that stepsister had conspired to hold our wedding pictures hostage because of all the lies MIL was telling her...I wasn't too keen on the idea of spending my energy copying all my other photographers' pictures to CD for her.   I suggested it anyway as I thought maybe it would help her warm up to the idea of conceding and compromising with us about her behavior and DH tossed that idea out the window really quickly.  Truthfully, I was kind of glad he didn't want to, so I didn't press the issue.  Besides, I figure she can get wedding pictures from her little pet stepsister since she won't give them to us.

HOWEVER, Pen, I know you never did anything like this so I really feel bad for you about not getting wedding pictures.  Have you guys ever asked for them?

Thanks, OW123. Your support and thoughtful responses warm my heart. I'm sorry you are having to deal with your photo issues too. I asked once and got a vague runaround. I don't know why we aren't allowed to see the video, let alone have a copy.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: lancaster lady on March 02, 2011, 01:20:48 AM
Well Ladies ....THE wedding is in August ...
I am going armed with my own camera ,and my DB has been told to take one ,and my DS has been told to take one !!
I'm taking no chances of no photos !!
I must say they are very generous with photos , my DS rigged up my PC with a Dropbox .
They can drop any photos from their PC to mine and they do .
So how lucky am I?
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Scoop on March 02, 2011, 05:28:13 AM
I know I'm chiming in late on this, but I have to say, my MIL wanted a "family" picture taken, on my wedding day, of just her, MIL, my DH and SisIL and I was very insulted.

She had months and months before the wedding to ask DH to bring a suit for a family picture, and I wouldn't have said a thing.  However, on the very day that I joined the family, she was INSISTING on a "Family" picture, without me.  Not-so-much.  And I can say she insisted, because we fought about it a couple of days before the wedding.  Luckily, DH backed me.

Years later, if MIL wanted a family picture without me, her SnIL and the grandkids, I would think it's ridiculous, but I wouldn't stop it.

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 05:48:00 AM
I hear you guys and I would be insulted too if different family members were included but not me.  But I have a question about the wedding photos?  Maybe you can answer it Scoop.  Back when I had a big wedding and a professional photographer (ahem...24 years ago), it was the "norm" to have all kinds of pictures made of just family, in addition to the wedding couple.  They took pictures of me with my parents, him with his parents, me and gps, him and gps, me with just my Mother, him with just his, each of us with our siblings, etc.

Is that now changed?  I'm asking seriously...lol.

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 05:59:29 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 01, 2011, 02:30:54 PM
Adil... what  did your dh say about this.. I know that guys are often oblivious to these nasty unnecessary games, but doesn't it bother him that the woman he is married to has been so callously excluded from his family?

DH has scolded his mom and sister for their remarks that I am not now nor will I ever be part of the family, but I don't think he addressed this particular issue. I don't think it would matter if he did say anything because I'm still treated like an outsider by MIL/SIL.

I would like to be in the pics "of the kids"... My mom views DH as one of her kids now. No more pics of just me and brother. But my family is more open and accepting than DH's. BUT SIL always drags her current flavor of the month into the "kids" pics and MIL doesn't say a word. EXCUSE ME! What's up with that? I'm actually part of the family. He isn't. He will be replaced soon.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 06:03:12 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 02:39:51 PM
ANYWAY, really stop looking at her stuff.  I agree (and had to finally realize myself) that pondering why and what you ever did to her to make her dislike you won't get you anywhere.  It's not you- she's the one with the problem.  If this is going to upset you, I'd avoid her page and maybe put her on limited profile on your end if you don't feel it's an appropriate time to just flat out block her.

Curiosity got the best of me today lol! On my end she can't see anything more than a random stranger.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 06:08:42 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 01, 2011, 03:30:21 PM
I have to give full disclosure:  My MIL has not received any of the professional photographs from our wedding. 

Full disclosure: MIL doesn't have the CD for ours. Why? Because they are copyrighted and she doesn't have a release to print them. DH and I are the only ones who can have them printed. I told DH to have his mom pick some out for us to get done for her, but he doesn't want to. She has one of her side of the family from the wedding that we gave her at Christmas, but that's it. I just don't think I could handle her hanging the photo of DH and his FOO from the wedding that doesn't have me in it. I honestly don't understand why it was taken in the first place. There isn't one of just me and my FOO. Does that make any sense?
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 06:19:05 AM
We do have the "one-on-one"... Me with my mom, with my brother. Him with his mom and dad, with each of his siblings, and him with his whole family. The one with both my mom, brother, etc. are with both of us.

Sooooo, I guess going forward there just won't be any photo's of DH's FOO in our house. If she wants to complain about it. Fine. If she finally stops complaining behind my back and asks me why. I'll tell her I am still waiting on the photos.

And no more looking at her facebook photos. :-)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 06:40:55 AM
Thanks DIL.  I wasn't being sarcastic, I was having a hard time understanding what the issue was of having a DH pose with his immediate family in a photo.  It finally dawned on me while reading Scoop's post, that maybe those were not the "norm" like they were when I was younger, and there are many of just me and my FOO from the wedding also.  I didn't have a professional photographer this time, just a couple of friends with photography skills that took photos of us.  But we did request individual photos of both sides of our family.  DH has 3 siblings and it is rare they are all at the same place, so we got some of the four of them, and then the four of them and his mother.  I had pics with my brother, and my brother with Mom and Dad.  I also had pictures made with just me and my two sons, and me with each of my Sons, and my DH and his daughter, then all of us (including DIL). 

And here is my full disclosure.  I never thought about if we were hurting someones feelings while we were doing this.  I never thought someone might feel excluded.  It is just rare we are all in the same place at the same time, looking all fancy so we took the opportunity.  I had not had my picture made with my Sons since they were around 12 (because they hate taking pics period).  So I may have unintentionally hurt someones feelings.  I had never thought about it until now.

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 02, 2011, 06:44:55 AM
I had to go back and look... but at my son's wedding, they did all the b&g shots, but thern there was her family with the b&g, then our family with the b&g... oh then the groom with the bridesmaids and the bride with all the groomsmen.. and the one I really liked was the  silliest photo of the kids with the reverent.

I wasn't talking about just having photos of my kids taken on my dil's wedding day (I  don't think I'm that tacky yet)  I'm talking about now 4 years later.  While it's not a matter of not accepting dil as a family member, it was more about having my children together again and maybe for the first time there will be no tears and name calling as the photographer is trying to work.   And I know this is going to sound horrible.. but while marriages can dissolve, your siblings are your siblings for life.  I'd just hate to have my only photo of my kids have a person in the shot how is now married to someone else and has 9 kids of her own with another man.   I'd have to do a Holli's mil move and cut her out of the picture or something :)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 06:49:42 AM
I agree with you Laura.  I wish I could get my two sons together now with my new DH and his daughter and have another family shot made.  It wouldn't have anything to do with trying to exclude DIL.  But now if my YS was married and I asked his wife to be in it and not my DIL, then that would be saying to her that I didn't want her in it.  Understandable then.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 02, 2011, 06:58:36 AM
Quote from: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 06:49:42 AM
I agree with you Laura.  I wish I could get my two sons together now with my new DH and his daughter and have another family shot made.  It wouldn't have anything to do with trying to exclude DIL.  But now if my YS was married and I asked his wife to be in it and not my DIL, then that would be saying to her that I didn't want her in it.  Understandable then.
Just today I framed a photo of my family.. G&G, Mom, Dad, sisters and brother.. it was the first time we had all been in the same room in 30 years... that photo was taken at my grandpas 100th b-day last June.. he passed away in July after telling me that he was just sick and tired of living.  There are no kids spouse in the picture and to me the photo feels perfect.  Now we did not do this at a wedding but I do understand being all gussied up and trying to make the most of the time... oh the photographer at ds/dil wedding did take pictures of the individual wedding party and their spouses.. as you said... if you've got on the clothes.. might as well go for it.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 07:13:49 AM
It should come down to the couples decision on their big day though.  If they don't want it, it should be arranged for another time.  I can see that.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Scoop on March 02, 2011, 07:33:46 AM
As for it being "the norm", I don't know.  To me, the wedding DAY is about celebrating the joining of the families.  So DH was joined to my family and I was (allegedly) joined to his.  The problem was that there was also a lot of baloney BEFORE the wedding that showed that MIL did not welcome me to the family, therefore, on OUR day, I was not going to allow a "family" picture that didn't include ME.

We didn't have ANY family pictures that didn't include the spouses.  In fact, we have a BIG family picture, including my aunt and cousins and I'm sad that the one spouse isn't in it, because he was out of town that day.  And THAT is the picture from our wedding that is on display.

At any other function, or if MIL wanted a photo-shoot of "her" family, I would be cool with that.  Just not on the VERY DAY that I joined the family.  And to me, it wasn't about a "family" picture, because if she wanted one, she could have booked one at any time other than THAT day.  She hasn't asked for one in the 13 years since either.  Our latest "family" picture is 6 years old and I'm the one who organized it.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 07:44:59 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 02, 2011, 06:44:55 AM
And I know this is going to sound horrible.. but while marriages can dissolve, your siblings are your siblings for life. 

That does soud horrible... LOL Not really, but I guess with me I took it as MIL already planning our divorce (which we do NOT believe in. It goes against every religious conviction we have). And planning our divorce on our wedding day and stating that I am not family was really hurtful to me. (Especially when they turn around and have SIL's "Goat-Boy" BF in "family pictures") (he seriously looks like a goat! lol)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 07:46:50 AM
Quote from: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 06:49:42 AM
I agree with you Laura.  I wish I could get my two sons together now with my new DH and his daughter and have another family shot made.  It wouldn't have anything to do with trying to exclude DIL.  But now if my YS was married and I asked his wife to be in it and not my DIL, then that would be saying to her that I didn't want her in it.  Understandable then.

We just had a new family photo taken for mom's b-day. Her, her long-tem BF, BF's daughter, Brother, SIL, Me and DH. It means the world to us all that it is now above the mantle. :-)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 07:59:29 AM
LMAO...goat boy....hee hee

Scoop, I used the word "norm" because back 20 something years ago, you pretty much had photographers that did the same "wedding package" over and over again.  They had a standard list of shots that they took at each wedding and standard packages to choose from.  They had big clunky cameras and real film, so they didn't want to waste too much.  We didn't have as much flexibility as I would assume there is today with digital. You also didn't have guests or family members taking their own pictures much.  I don't think it was considered taboo, it just wasn't done.  I know at our wedding and my OS's in the last couple of years, there didn't seem to be anyone hardly without one and tons of pictures afterwards.

I agree about the day being about the couple and it should be their choice.  It hit me when I was reading through this thread that I was having a hard time understanding the hurt feelings because I was remembering that is was just considered "what you did" when I had the big wedding back then. 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:05:19 AM
Yes, we did all sorts of pictures too.  I don't think we took one with our whole families and only one of us (the pictures that were taken of ALL extended family members on each side included both of us too), but the photographer got separate ones of just him and his siblings and mom.  Then him and his siblings and his mom and her husband, etc.  Then I took a couple with my parents separately and together.  I didn't think anything of it because normally it's the photographer who wants to get a bunch of different shots.  But it was funny to see the difference in the look on her face in the pictures with me and without me.  It went from  :-\  to  :D
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 08:05:57 AM
Let me add, a hard time understanding the hurt feelings over having a FOO having a picture taken at the wedding....not the rest of it...I totally understand the rest of it.  Purposefully showing spite is not acceptable.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:10:06 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 07:44:59 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 02, 2011, 06:44:55 AM
And I know this is going to sound horrible.. but while marriages can dissolve, your siblings are your siblings for life. 

That does soud horrible... LOL Not really, but I guess with me I took it as MIL already planning our divorce (which we do NOT believe in. It goes against every religious conviction we have). And planning our divorce on our wedding day and stating that I am not family was really hurtful to me. (Especially when they turn around and have SIL's "Goat-Boy" BF in "family pictures") (he seriously looks like a goat! lol)

Isn't it amazing how they can use pictures to hurt someone?  MIL's husband was openly shunned when he got together with MIL, too (seeing a pattern here?).  Nobody liked him and they were rude to him.  In fact, even by the time I came around, I still picked up immediately on their treatment of him and their attitude towards him and his kids.  Mind you, the guy is as socially awkward as they come, but the most sincere, nicest guy in the world.  Would never mean any harm to anyone.  So anyway, the old family picture they have on their walls with DH and his XW that I can't stand...MIL's H wasn't in it.  I asked about it and he said that they wouldn't include him in it and this was when he was engaged to MIL- but they asked DH's XW to be in it and she wasn't even engaged to DH!  They asked his girlfriend to be in the picture and wouldn't allow MIL's then-fiance to be in the picture just to be bullies and show him he wasn't accepted.  I just think it's so silly and passive aggressive to try to reject someone using family pictures.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:12:25 AM
Quote from: Pen on March 01, 2011, 10:01:14 PM

Thanks, OW123. Your support and thoughtful responses warm my heart. I'm sorry you are having to deal with your photo issues too. I asked once and got a vague runaround. I don't know why we aren't allowed to see the video, let alone have a copy.

Seems pretty obvious to me, Pen- she doesn't want to give up the control she holds over your heads just so you always remember in the back of your mind that she runs the show!  I can't believe you weren't even allowed to SEE the video.  That is just so over the top controlling.  I would almost feel bad for her (she must be so incredibly insecure) if she weren't hurting other people so badly.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pen on March 02, 2011, 08:17:25 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:05:19 AM
Yes, we did all sorts of pictures too.  I don't think we took one with our whole families and only one of us (the pictures that were taken of ALL extended family members on each side included both of us too), but the photographer got separate ones of just him and his siblings and mom.  Then him and his siblings and his mom and her husband, etc.  Then I took a couple with my parents separately and together.  I didn't think anything of it because normally it's the photographer who wants to get a bunch of different shots.  But it was funny to see the difference in the look on her face in the pictures with me and without me.  It went from  :-\  to  :D

LOL, that was DIL's mom's face in DS/DIL's wedding pics, more like  >:( to  :) though. She was not happy to be associated with us at all and it's gone downhill from there. I guess I should have worn beige and stayed in the background...oh, well!
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 08:18:19 AM
It is sad OW how people treat other people.  And I am probably guilty of hurting someones feelings just because I didn't think about it.  I try very hard to treat everyone with respect and think about things, but I'm sure I have done things like we are talking about unintentionally.

It's the purposeful slighting of people that kills me.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:28:56 AM
Pen- don't worry, I'm sure they would have come up with something else to use against you!  ;)

Pooh- I agree.  Something that is clearly unintentional is easy to forgive and forget.  But you have to wonder what people really GET out of purposely excluding someone to make them feel bad.  Something that really really got my blood boiling was my MIL's treatment of her H's 11 year old son.  He was just like his dad- socially awkward (and even worse because of his age), but the sweetest kid.  And a good kid who has been through a lot.  His brother may or may not have sexually molested him when he was younger and his real mother lives on the other side of the country, was once hospitalized for mental problems, and now does not want him to come live with her.  Doesn't want him to come visit that often either.  So here he is in DESPERATE need of a mother figure, and she is just a complete witch to him.  Every time I went over there, I never heard her speak kindly to him.  Always had an attitude or tone to her voice and it seemed clear that she WANTED him to know that she did not appreciate his presence.  When we had our rehearsal dinner list, his name was on it (obviously since he is MIL's H's son) and she wrote back and said she didn't want him at the RD.  She couldn't stand it to not be 'all about her' in her household.  She married her H knowing he had 4 kids and could not devote 110% of his attention to her all the time and then got upset when she wasn't #1 all the time- so she took it out on the kids.  I always thought, "I just can't understand a person who would want to bully a kid like that.  What kind of a person does that?"

Okay my rant is over.  :)
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 02, 2011, 08:33:36 AM
I found a photo of my dad and some of his siblings. When he was 17, his dad got remarried to a lady with 4 kids. My dad's mom had 6 children before she passed away. Then, 2 new little siblings came along (I guess the correct term is 1/2 siblings to my dad) upping the total of 12.

It was his stepbrother's wedding. The original "6" decided that they wanted to get a photo together (not even with the bride or the groom). They tapped the photographer on the shoulder and he took a shot. While I don't think they love their stepbrothers or half brother or sister any less, those 6 shared the same history before any of those other family members came along. To my knowledge, my uncle (the groom), nor his new bride were upset about that.

I don't really see the problem with that. It would be about 15 years (my wedding) before they were all together again. I wasn't mad when they had a family photo shot then (less all of us kids, spouses, other brothers and sisters, etc). My ILs didn't ask for one with them, but included both BIL's GF and me in their family photo. I think I remember finding it odd they didn't get an additional photo of just the four of them, so I don't think that would've upset me.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 02, 2011, 08:42:42 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 07:44:59 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 02, 2011, 06:44:55 AM
And I know this is going to sound horrible.. but while marriages can dissolve, your siblings are your siblings for life. 

That does soud horrible... LOL Not really, but I guess with me I took it as MIL already planning our divorce (which we do NOT believe in. It goes against every religious conviction we have). And planning our divorce on our wedding day and stating that I am not family was really hurtful to me. (Especially when they turn around and have SIL's "Goat-Boy" BF in "family pictures") (he seriously looks like a goat! lol)

I wasn't planning their divorce :)  I'm talking about pictures now.. not on their wedding day.... but since two of my son's family were missing we couldn't have gotten a family picture if we wanted.  I'm saying that right now.. I'd like to have a picture of my 3 kids together... no spouses, gf/bf, pets.. just the kids.  Then of course I'd have a photo taken of my son and his wife.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:45:56 AM
Laurie- I hope you get these pictures done.  I think they will be a precious memory for you and your kids.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 08:48:52 AM
Was it Laurie who has her son's wedding coming up? Arming yourself with a camera so you'll have pics. Just a word of "caution?" It might be better NOT to take photos during the ceremony. I've been to weddings where the B&G request no photos during the ceremony (except the photgrapher). We didn't request that, but the snap happy flashes of whoever was starting to freak me out a little and I wish we had asked lol. ... Or at the very least, turn the flash off. :-)

No one else has seen our wedding video. Beacuse, well, the guy filming it was a bit Hmmmm, how should we say, Spastic? lol He could NOT hold still at ALL! Kept back and forth, back and forth, scan the guests, then back to the pastor, then to us, then to DH's family, then to my family, then to us, then to the pastor, then ... Ugh! lol like the blair witch project! lol He didn't keep the focus on what was important. He didn't keep the camera on us when we were saying our vows. Who cares what the guests our doing? I was reading my own vows, I would have like to have been able to watch DH's face the whole time. Oh well, lol He is still a nice guy though, but A.D.H.D to the extreme! lol
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 08:52:37 AM
Laurie, that sounds nice. :-)

Do you have any GK's? Would you have a pic of you with your kids (no spouses) and the GK's? That is one of my IL's favorite things to do. I don't get it. Without your kids spouse there would be no GK's. I think it was a power play of "Look, you aren't related by Blood!" and it seems kinda mean. I get the GP's with just the GK's or Parents with just their biological kids (no spouses) but not the "only my blood" in the pic. I just don't get it. Maybe because we have a lot of "adopted" family members on my side (both legally and those that are just considered "family" without being related lol).
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 02, 2011, 08:53:24 AM
ADIL- I bet your families would still enjoy seeing the video, even if it's poorly made!
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 09:02:25 AM
True, it is always fun to do the "What's Uncle George doing? OMG! He's picking his nose!" Not that that actually happened, but ya never know lol
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 02, 2011, 09:37:35 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 08:52:37 AM
Laurie, that sounds nice. :-)

Do you have any GK's? Would you have a pic of you with your kids (no spouses) and the GK's? That is one of my IL's favorite things to do. I don't get it. Without your kids spouse there would be no GK's. I think it was a power play of "Look, you aren't related by Blood!" and it seems kinda mean. I get the GP's with just the GK's or Parents with just their biological kids (no spouses) but not the "only my blood" in the pic. I just don't get it. Maybe because we have a lot of "adopted" family members on my side (both legally and those that are just considered "family" without being related lol).

Thanks to this possibility, I have left a rather panicked message with the social worker helping us with adoption.

I totally can get the no-blood relation treatment of me. It doesn't even bother me. I cant in good conscience subject a child to that. This hadn't occured to me. Somehow, it seemed like only the feelings of DH and I mattered with an adoption. Maybe not.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 02, 2011, 09:47:51 AM
Holli, That is sad. You are right, only you and DH should matter in making this decision. I honestly hadn't even considered that for us (we are planning on adopting). I think it is really low for someone to treat a child that way, but I wouldn't put it past my IL's.  :-\
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Rose799 on March 02, 2011, 09:57:00 AM
Quote from: holliberri on March 02, 2011, 09:37:35 AM
Thanks to this possibility, I have left a rather panicked message with the social worker helping us with adoption.

I totally can get the no-blood relation treatment of me. It doesn't even bother me. I cant in good conscience subject a child to that. This hadn't occured to me. Somehow, it seemed like only the feelings of DH and I mattered with an adoption. Maybe not.

They don't matter Holli...  My Ds favored gs & left his hb out altogether.  Hb once asked, "Are you my real grandma?"  She told him yes.  It made my blood boil.  I'm not a cut off type of person, but if I had been their mom, mil most certainly would have been.  There is no greater force than a dm protecting her young. 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 02, 2011, 11:59:20 AM
to me when you adopt a child, he/she is your child, the same as any biological child....I've known people who have kept  the separation, but to be honest those were the same people who had such a off kilter mentality that they thought that handicapped children should be institutionalized, for whatever reason they may have had. Some people are small minded and will never grow past that point... those types you do not need to be a part of your daily lives.  Isn't it a shame that we don't even have to look far to find people who are like this... I would hope that this will not be an issue in your life Holli.

Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 02, 2011, 12:33:59 PM
The social worker returned my call. She said she has seen it go either way: GPs treat the GK like the other GK, or, sadly, not. The only thing she can help us with is coping strategies, open dialogue and possibly limiting contact if it were to occur. For now, the best I can do is hope that it won't be an issue at all. DH and I will definitely have a  sit-down about her with this later though. I want all my bases covered.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: lancaster lady on March 02, 2011, 01:07:55 PM
Holli:
Any child is a gift ....especially one who needs a family .
hope your MIL can see that ,she may lose her own family if she can't .
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: holliberri on March 02, 2011, 01:09:46 PM
Quote from: holliberri on March 02, 2011, 12:33:59 PM
The social worker returned my call. She said she has seen it go either way: GPs treat the GK like the other GK, or, sadly, not. The only thing she can help us with is coping strategies, open dialogue and possibly limiting contact if it were to occur. For now, the best I can do is hope that it won't be an issue at all. DH and I will definitely have a  sit-down about her with this later though. I want all my bases covered.

Ack! I meant to say DH and I will have a sit-down WITH her ABOUT this later. (Her is my social worker! LOL).
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: Pooh on March 02, 2011, 01:24:11 PM
I believe that all children are blessings, it doesn't matter how you got them.  They are true innocents that just want to be loved and anyone that can be cruel to a child, does not know what love is.
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: FAFE on March 02, 2011, 02:06:24 PM
When my husband and I married, he had custody of his 4 year old son.  I adopted him when he was 7 or so.  My family accepted him in every way possible.  In fact, before his dad and I were married, he called my mom, Hey you!  We told him that she was Granny J and that was the end of Hey you!  Sometimes I could not remember which one of my three kids was adopted!

My daughter and SIL adopted a beautiful baby girl who will be 5 months old this month.  I cannot tell you how much we love her and how much she has added to our family. 

I cannot understand anyone who cannot accept a child, as they are all (in my opinion) a gift from God. 
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: irenic on March 02, 2011, 02:33:51 PM
I know FB has caused me such heartache, I try not to look at my daughters page, it tears me up, and she says the most
awful things, I know is so that I read them.  I can only read a portion now, she has deleted me as her"friend", isn't that
sad that we delete our mothers who gave us life, who nurtured us, protected us, gave us the last slice of cheesecake
when we know our mother loved it?  I am dying inside due to FB, weren't we better off before?  JMHO
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: lancaster lady on March 02, 2011, 02:46:37 PM
FB opened up a can of worms for me too .
However it brought things to a head with my DIL ,things were ironed out now we are ok .
If she has deleted you ,how can you still see her page ? Best not to anyway .
I'm so sad for you Irenic , miracles can happen ,see Faith's posting today .
Never give up ...x
Title: Re: Facebook Photo Sadness
Post by: LaurieS on March 02, 2011, 02:57:39 PM
Irenic .. I see your heartache but your daughter has demanded separation... I think removing you as a 'friend' would be a typical move as she seems to feel that you are almost stalking her.  You are choosing to look at what little bit you can see and then feeling hurt, this is a form of self sabotage.  No one would expect you to stop loving your daughter, not even she.. but if you can not give her the space that she is demanding you may just be continuing to push her away.  I don't feel that it's healthy or helping you to continue to check on her facebook status ... wishing you luck