March 28, 2024, 06:37:43 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - not like the movies

31
I am so happy not to participate in Fake Book.
I came to a place where I enjoyed the distance my daughter dishes out one or twice I year. It is like a vacation. I don't mean this to be insensitive but it's the truth. If you would have known me a few years ago you would have never suspected I was capable of saying this.
Welcome to the forum. It's a breath of fresh air.
32
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: New Member
October 23, 2011, 03:31:38 PM
welcome, sorry for the circumstance that lead you here. there is a life beyond our adult children.
33
oh the violence of silence!  I had to learn (not easy) how to tune out that kind of silence. Each month it became easier and easier. Now sometimes when my daughter calls I don't even answer the phone. I never never never ever though that would happen. I don't give her the silent treatment but I do decide now for me how much of myself to give and how much to withhold for me. I always get back to her but I am in charge of me now not her. I do what I want, what I can do, if it is something I want to share. I examine my motives to keep myself in check. I don't jump to her needs or problems. She is figuring things out for her own life like we all must do.
34
Courtney, thanks for sharing a bit of your journey. It's a painful road. You choose to take a different path and sounds like the destinations are healthier. Better days are ahead especially when we make progress.
35
three cheers
36
sending warm wishes for peace within
37
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: son problem
August 13, 2011, 09:34:42 PM
welcome Baker, sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. All too familiar circumstances I am afraid. None the less painful. There comes a time when we do something different because what we are doing does not work. My husband always tells me when you are up against a brick wall turn around. There are so many myths of motherhood and one is that we never are suppose to be hurt or fed up with bad behavior from adult children. Trust me it is only a myth. I love my daughter but really can't stand her behavior so I don't get involved in it. My boundaries are so much more defined. When she is ugly I withdraw and love from a distance. She comes around but rebounds off and on. I just carry on with my own life and she gets happy in the same pants she got mad in or she doesn't. It's up to her not me.
38
My husband and I had a big 90th birthday bash at our home for his father. I sent an invite text message to my distant daughter for her to come and bring our grandson (being held pawn). We had over 50 people (we have a large backyard), all family. I got a response that she did not have a good experience at the last family event (son's wedding in May, nothing unpleasant happened at all) so she wasn't going to come but she said to give her best wishes grandpa. I responded "will do".  The event started at two. At 3pm she called asking if she could come. My husband responded of course. She came with our grandson and her new boyfriend (she is still married to our son in law). Everyone greeted them openly and warmly and it was a wonderfully pleasant day. I kept busy with others and hostess duties. We had brief casual conversation. She shared some of her pregnancy trials (boyfriend's baby). I listened, I was inviting and I was civil. That was it. Kept it simple. I was overjoyed to see our grandson and he was as joyful as a five year old could be. I got my hug tank filled. He played with cousins, went swimming, and reconnected with us. I don't know what the future holds but I no longer hold my breath. What will be will be. I can only do my part the best I can. Not perfect but with forward progress.

This event reinforces how I can not control what others do only my responses and my reactions to what others do.
39
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: help
August 03, 2011, 06:39:59 AM
please take care of yourself right now. I understand this is so very painful. When my daughter was 14 she wanted to live with her dad for many of the same reasons. I was crushed and felt betrayed. It did not last long. A close friend of mine and I were talking yesterday. Her daughter has been living with her ex for a bit over a year. She sounded a lot like you when this first began. The more desperate and emotionally unstable she became over the hurt the more she repelled her daughter.  Slowly she took the time to care for herself and began to heal. She began to operate from an internal place of strength. Her thinking became clear and calm. She accepted she could not control the craziness going on around only how she reacted to it all. She replaced her fear with faith in herself and friends that loved and supported her. Not all stories have a happy ending like we might like but you matter too. Please try to step back a bit from the muck and care for you right now. I am not sure how old your sons are. If younger, they may need you in the near future to be strong and together. To advocate for them you need to advocate for you as well.
40
hello and welcome....your story is all to familiar here.  you are not alone. keep reading here you will see how this is a common event for may of us. not that it makes it less painful, just sharing that this painful experience is a common bond. "what did you do wrong?"  asking that question is where the trap lies. You can not or will not make sense of it. I never have been able to do so with my situation with my daughter. I stopped asking "why" and started asking "what about me?". I mattered to myself and others that love and care for me. Take the focus off them and highlight yourself in loving ways. Have your own boundaries to ward off hurtful family members. Hang in there better days are ahead.
41
You ask "should I give up?"  I asked myself the same question. Then I made a list of what I would be giving up. For me that was quite a revelation. I was holding out how I wanted it to be not how it really was. Then I made a list of what I would gain by letting go. I liked the second list way better.
42
I am a recovery "mom to the rescue". I realized I want to retire one day. I am at the ending of my financial life and my daughter is at the beginning of hers. I have a larger bank account since I woke up. Every time I felt the need to rescue monetarily I added the amount to my savings. I lost track of how much my daughter owes me. A good friend of mine gave her adult children each 10k and told them it's theirs. There will be no more, ever and to not even ask her. She gave it to them when they left home. I though that was very generous. She has stuck to it and so have they. 
43
Grab Bag / Re: I decided to start a diet
July 28, 2011, 06:10:02 PM
I thin I need to join sometime SOON LOL.....
44
My sweet five year old grandson is being held ransom as well.  What a rotten deal. Children benefit and are blessed enormously from active engaged grandparents as we have been. The relationship is so unique and special it is irreplaceable.  We know with absolute certainty the quality of grandparents we are. This pattern is a part of our history now and we just don't trust it won't happen again. The yo-yoing is not good for him or for us. To reconnect and then be pulled apart repeatedly is not good for him and leaves us too emotionally vulnerable. The feelings of insecurity and abandonment these experiences have created for him have been greatly underestimated. We want to protect him from further experiences as this. In the end we have had to make peace with this situation, it hurts too much to keep painfully missing him.  Of course we would be thrilled if we could reinstate our relationship with him but our world can no longer depend on it. It will change one day hoping sooner than later but for now it really is out of our hands.
45
I relate. Sad. Painful. I did have to come to acceptance as well. I can honestly say I feel happier as I focus on my life. I never thought I could detach. It did not feel natural at first. One day I realized I had hit a brick wall and I needed to turn around. I was tired of trying to be somewhere physically and emotionally I was not welcomed..even if it was my own daughter. I began to matter to me. I am a pretty neat lady! At least I think so and that is what counts the most.