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thanks Doe...yes the counselor I don't want to be. I am pulling way back. It has been hard. DIL and I have never had any falling out. I have tried to treat her with respect and a welcome when they come to town. I did not know it was this bad. Out of protection and loyalty to his wife he hid a lot. Like in most abusive relationships. I have felt him slipping away from who he use to be. That part I feel so sad about. That was what the e-mail was about. Reminding him about his passion for life he once had and that he has value. Things a person can forget in an abusive relationship. He sent a text tonight and he has scheduled an appt with a therapist. Relief. I am just going to refer DIL to speak to son I am not going to defend a private e-mail to my son.

My son has been having marriage problems. He has confided in me some of the events. He would call for a sounding board when his wife would leave and be gone for days. He is in an abusive relationship. When it started I have always told him you two have the ingredients to make it work. I explained when you two make up I am not a part of that. So I don't need the details because I have want to keep decent feelings towards DIL.  As in all abusive relationships it has escalated. She started hitting and the verbal abuse increased. Because of the escalation I had a long conversation the other night with my son.  After my conversation that night I sent an e-mail to his personal account. DIL states she "accidentally" read the e-mail in his private account. The e-mail was in his deleted folder of all places. DS never sent a response to me. DIL now is offended and wants an explanation. Do I even owe her one? This was a personal e-mail to my son with my thoughts and my take and suggestion he get into counseling alone.  The only thing I want to address is the violation of privacy. But my I know my son needs to do that. What say you wise women.

where I live there are several men group homes and shelters. I would be prepared with a list of resources for him to check out on his own.  Some have assistance and help for those with mental issues. even job training opportunities. If he refuse therapy then he can not get a diagnosis to qulify for the services if he indeed has a mental illness.

no doubt this is do painful. better days are ahead.

I have been shut out by DD several times. It is not about me it is about her. Once when she was in a silence cycle she emailed me a nasty email and in it she said I never bought her makeup when she was a teenager! That is when I knew it was pretty crazy what went on in her own mind to justify her unhappiness. My husband showed me photo albums when she was about 13-14 with makeup on. She was not working. Her makeup came from us. Not that it mattered because parents really don't have to supply makeup. It was the reality of what was the truth and how distorted some can bend it to support their agenda.

I would never trade my worst day without DD for my worst day with DD. Hope that makes sense.

When it comes to life's soap operas we do get to choose what part we shall play and direct our performance only. We have no control when others forget their parts or their lines. Sometimes AC need another set of cast members that are professionals. I had to learn when the stage setting was larger than life and exit the stage. Not easy to do when I had been so rehearsed in my former role.
I took on a new role. I am happier and more productive on my own stage that I set.

hell on earth. so sad. I had a friend this happened to. she wound up getting custody because her daughter went to prison. best place for her if you can imagine that. one never knows what the future holds. life can turn on a dime. sorry for the anguish you suffer and the unmet needs of your grandchild. better days ahead is all one can believe in. often we are blessed with them.

anything left goes to my son. he has been the most loving. understanding and respectful. he also knows if my daughter is doing better he can give her some of whats left if any to her. he is of good mind to know what to do and when. i watched my folks go through every dime due to health issues and the cost of assisted living. both passed away at the beginning of this year. they died with nothing left. it was actually easier. nothing to do about nothing.

be aware that all your efforts can not guarantee that your grandson from being a replica of your son.  there is a nature versus nurture to consider. my dd has so many traits and personalities that her dad has. a lot of them are not too swell. she has a lot of his mojo so to speak...even though I raised her.All the nurturing I provided could not overshadow some genetics. I can fairly say that if she had been strictly raised by her father it could have been worse. So in that sense some nurture kept some possible unknown negatives at bay. I am assuming this to be true. No scientific proof. The fact that you GS has you can help a lot. SO kudos for that effort. When I stopped saying how high when my daughter said jump she did pull away GS. I weathered it. He suffered from it. But she came around because she needed help with GS. She missed all we did. all the opportunities we provided for GS and respite time for her. She needed us more. Maybe I would like at the financial support to DS as spending his "inheritance" (LOL) early on a worthy cause your GS.

keep practicing that..it creates improvement. good work. I have been doing it for awhile now.
when DD slips into victim it has less power. really almost none now. when she puts me in time out again it is no biggie. I carry on. Oh it use to have so much power.  When I look back I was such a wimp. but you have to go through it to get to it. courage is always rewarded.

thanks for all the input. much appreciated. you WW are wonderful. hubby went over to help. he is going to have a talk with boyfriend while they work on car. a chance to see if boyfriend knows the whole story of what goes on with DD and us. Hubby only went because of boyfriend. Hubby very disgusted with DD behavior. Hubby let boyfriend know that. Hubby figured best to help boyfriend make it to a few scheduled job interviews this week. Better chance if he gets a job act independent next time the car needs fixing.  I am going to take a nice long nap. Thanks again to all.

opinions? DD has been on the attack the last few days. nasty emails. yesterday her car broke down a few hours after an email bomb. she had her boyfriend (we like him a lot) call for help. They need a new starter. They have no money or skills to fix it. We have both. When we do for DD we always wind up eventually here where she forgets all the help rendered while she attacks us. You all know this song I am sure. Should we help again today? We look at it as helping the boyfriend we like. He shows appreciation and respect. However DD benefits since its her car as well. She has the  boyfriend make the rescue call appearing she is not asking for the help even though the request for him to call us is a direct order from her. She says jump he asks how high. uggghhh and we had plans to go boating today with some friends. I am of the mindset to follow through with our boating plans. meeting our needs. Let them figure it all out. the heart pull to help comes from the desire to help the boyfriend. he is out of work now and actively looking for work. a car helps with that.

new baby arrivals are so stressful for fist time parents. I have my own personal rule to visit a few months later when parents are rested and routines established. that's been successful for me.
I get my own place and I am in and out.

there is a lesson here she might need to learn. and he might not cheat this time.

I have an acquaintance named Guido...........LOL

My vote is NO. I did not go to a super important family event just because I could not deal with.
The event went on without me just fine. Everyone lived and survived.