Is anyone else as relieved as I am that they are over with?
Funny, but the biggest one for me is yet to come and I am so looking forward to it. It's New Years Eve. For the last two-plus decades, my sort of daughter, Sonja, and I have done what we call Miracle Lists together on New Year's Eve. (We define a Miracle as anything totally wonderful!)
We write a list of all of the Miracles we got in the last year. (Val used to always do it with us.) When we both finish, we take turns reading them out loud to each other and sometimes we add to them. Then, we both make a list of the Miracles we are willing to have come to us in the coming year. Again, when we are done, we share those, taking turns. The last thing we do, is read last New Year's Eve list of what we were willing to have come our way this year...and we check them off. Usually it's a lot! :-)))))
What a wonderful, life-affirming, positive tradition. I love it!
Yes, Trying, I'm glad it's over bc of sons not being here but we got out and it was pleasant although strange (Chinese restaurant, only one open, thus the tradition of eating Chinese on Christmas!)....... gotta do something when darkness falls, though; take a nighttime walk or get out and do something; or try to go to bed early; love the summer when it stays light till 9.....
I have to count blessings: family that i did see earlier, a dh who sticks by me!, dh's family that lives a state away that accepted our phone calls!, ds who called 3 times from foo & wished he were w us despite the activity at his dw's foo!, a luncheon to attend later in the week, an exercise class later in the week to go to, and a neighborhood New Year's party! And I complain!
Luise, I love your Miracle listing; I'm afraid dh is too "practical" or whatever to do that; maybe I could get him to write something! And if not, I'll do it myself! I need to start earlier than New Year's, though..... and when I'm in a good mood!
Yesterday was the first Christmas that my in-laws were not able to attend. They are in Assisted Living and really need to be in memory care. But the rest of my DH's family was here as were two of my three AC and one GD. OS and his family get here today, so tomorrow will be another day of eating and opening gifts. Both DS's will be here for the rest of the week. MS is having fun taking pictures of people's eye balls. Go figure!
So, ours was not picture perfect with everyone here, but it is what it is.
My family, on the other hand, are all over the place as we have a sister who is in memory care and that has turned us all upside down. This is the first year that we did not celebrate as a family and that breaks my heart. Hopefully, things will turn around soon and we can get back to our "normal" carrying on.
I love the miracle list. May try it out with my OC this week.
We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.
Luise, may I first of all say I love your post about lists and miracles, and may I also say thank you for the role you've played in releasing me from the vicious cycle of fixation and guilt that was driving my life. Because of that, this was the first Christmas I can remember that was peaceful. I was thankful to share it with one of my children and my two g/c. I was happy to serve my MIL and see my FIL enjoying himself thoroughly at the table and around the gift tree. I was content to let my MIL squirm with her own issues, and not feel it was my responsibility to fix it. My DS was not here, and I gave it no more than a passing thought. I no longer need a relationship with my DS in order to be all right. I sent him my love but I did not send him my inner peace. That is mine to keep and no one can take it away from me. You taught me this, Luise, and also the other Christmas angels who post on the website. I am glad this is a new day.
And I have to add I don't think either DIL is to blame. they both want to stay close to their families, and I can't blame them for that, it's as though the sons in order to solidify themselves in their new roll need to make us (me) unimportant in their lives. I know I'm not, but it's kind of like teenage rebellion focused right at my throat, the final break away I guess, it is so hard because my fully human reaction is fury and then they can say " Argh crazy woman, CUT OFF!"
Quote from: tryingmybest on December 26, 2011, 05:49:55 AM
We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.
Trying - could you reply to that Facebook post - ever so sweetly, of course - that you trust they had fun with you and his FOO on Christmas Eve, too?
tempted believe me. We live in the South so we were able to go to a Florida beach and do something, but it wasn't Christmas :'( and I was okay with that, until I had to read how DS enjoyed the day with his wife's family >:(, it just kind of rubbed salt in a wound I was trying to keep covered. I think if I get into a FB exchange with him, it will go right over his head, my DIL will pick up on it though. The smiling pictures of his "family day" yesterday were a little tough to take though.
Quote from: tryingmybest on December 26, 2011, 07:03:47 AM
( and I was okay with that, until I had to read how DS enjoyed the day with his wife's family >
TMB, I know Facebook has had a great influence on how people relate to each other but I'm here to tell you that you don't
have to read the entries from people who upset you. If you don't want to unfriend them, you can hide the feed.
And you don't
have to slave in the kitchen any more - ever -for the rest of your life. You have my permission to give up any "shoulds" that are making you miserable and spend your extra time on things that entertain, charm and amuse you!
(And btw, while it didn't seem like Christmas at that FL beach, I can tell you that I was daydreaming about being at a beach as I was breaking up the ice on the north side of the house.)
Quote from: tryingmybest on December 26, 2011, 05:49:55 AM
We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.
I could have written this post. I am swearing not to look at FB except to go to my gmail account to see if anyone posted to me. Not gonna look up dil's or her foo's accounts (I am friends but rarely post, just "like" sometimes); it hurts a lot to see how much fun everyone had and all the pics of our gs w everyone but dh and me. (We were alone as always except for each other, for which I thank God.) It's just taken for granted that the ILs will have the holidays and no way to change it; written in stone..... so dh and I do our own thing (always thinking!)
We had a dinner a while ago to accommodate the IL's tradition and their friends' get-togethers but of course that isn't mentioned on FB; and I'm not one to put pics and posts on about our get-togethers (I find it rather bragging ((see how much fun
we had)).) This is not putting down anyone who does FB; it's just the way I feel, probably the poor me syndrome bc we aren't mentioned in dil's life (ds doesn't post at all; too busy at work and at home.)
But it shouldn't matter to me; I don't need to know what the ILs did; DH and I know we enjoyed what time we did have together, ds and gs know, and I just won't torture myself to see what others did.......
TMB - Regarding our Miracle lists...if we weren't able to be together...we went ahead and did it alone on New Year's Eve and then called each other on New Year's Day and read them over the phone. :D
Luise, I also like the miracle list! I try to think about my "miracles" and blessings evry day, but some days it is harder as I get so busy with day to day issues. I for one am glad in a way holidays are ver, but husband, grandaughter and I had a good time and kept busy. Of course it was hurtful to my 12 year old grandaughter that NEITHER of her parents even bothered to call her on Christmas, nor did they attempt to see her. Her paternal grandmother did, but she usually sees her 2 times a year...and we live less than 8 minutes from her! Unreal. My oldest son and his family did come for Christmas Day and we enjoyed visiting and gift exchange and a nice meal. We played some Wii games too. They were so kind and brought thoughtful gifts of sugar free candy for my diabetic hubby as well as thermal coffee mugs, and me regular chocolates and lovely wall sconces, and a nice set of lovely lotions for grandaughter. My middle son who doesn't want to contact us at all does contact my oldest son once in a while. That is okay with me, but oldest son can't understand his brothers behavior but feels it has SOME to do with his wife and her FOO. I say he can make his own choices if he wants, although she makes his life difficult if he does do what she doesn't like. lol Whatever. I did hear have my ex husbands sister, her grandson and fiance up for day after Christmas gift exchange and visit. She said my middle son DID go to my ex husbands home for the holidays. Yeah, the same ex that used to have our son go sell crack cocaine or provide him with his crack when he was an addict! Thankfully he got clean and got a college degree thanks to us tax payers of course...but it kind of feels hurtful that old dad rates better than me, mom who picked up the pieces when daddy let them down so many times. Go figure. I may be jealous too because he got to see grandaughters I have not seen in a year and a half! I was the one helping ex hubby's sister take care of their dying mom almost 3 years ago too because he "was too busy" with school study groups...but again he rates better than me. I guess I need to shake myself and stop the pity party today. I guess seeing grandaughter hurt by her parents, and sadness at being tossed aside like trash by middle son got to me there for a bit. I am very lucky though to have a wonderful, kind, and understanding husband who is supportive, and we have this grandaughter who is happy and healthy and secure with us. I am watching her dance with a game on the Wii right now, and I can't help but smile to myself. Such a good girl. This was the very first year my youngest child was not around for Thanksgiving and Christmas too, so that was hard. (my grandaughters mother). So that means also first time not seeing two grandsons too on those holidays. I'll get over it, but I just hope they had at least one gift for Christmas this year. With the situation like it is with daughter and new husbands drug problems and his arrest recently and their evictions from house they rented...who knows? I have gifts here for them, but of course they did not get them. They are 3 hours away. Hey, I guess I have a bit of a right to feel a bit sad don't I? lol Okay, I got that off my chest. Now I will get back to positive thoughts and my normal life! No more time to waste dwelling on things I can not change. I feel better now. Thanks for "listening". Hope you all have many miracles come your way in the new year. I think Luise has a brilliant idea or tradition there! I may try that too if I may Luise!
:D That's why I posted it! :D
I tried not to let Christmas get to me this year-looking for some peace within and trying my best not to be jealous over what my ACs did without me. But I am glad it has passed. Now I have been sorting through 35 yrs of family photos. I separated and boxed them up and will send them to my DS/DD as it is time to pass them on so they can show their children if they want. It was a two day job and I still keep finding more.
DS called me from the FOOs where they are spending the week, and it just doesn't bother me anymore. You do have to accept what you cannot change if you want to be content.
What a lovely, peaceful, healing approach. Good for you! Sending love...
Thank you, Kate. I've been wondering what to do with all these photos. Great idea.
When my eldest son died at age 52 of a sleep apnea induced stroke, I made an album of his life for the memorial. Starting with a picture of me very pregnant with him at age 21 and ending with a picture where he was with his granddaughter.
A few weeks later, I decided to do the same thing for his brother, who was/is alive and well. When I sent him his completed album, he was thrilled to be able to trace his life back that way and he cherishes the record of his life and the lives of those near and dear over the years.
Then I started sorting for my own album. Boxes of duplicates...and pictures of babies and people I didn't remember. Because my long life has been marked buy long marriages18 years, 18 years and 21 years (so far)...I sorted that way...starting out first with my childhood, of course. What I have is a chronology of my life that I can enjoy that will eventually pass on to my youngest son. All of those boxes of unmarked pictures are gone (that people have no idea what to do with when you pass on.)
A worthwhile project...to my way of thinking. :)
That's what I did too, after my divorce. Sorted through pictures and made a box for each of the boys with many of their childhood photos, me and their Father's wedding pictures, etc. One thing my Mom told me was not to burn all of those...Lol. Regardless of what happened between he and I, we are still the boys parents and they will be important to them someday. So they have boxes of pictures each now, and I don't have to look at my Ex!
Well seeing all those photos made me very sentimental, even for my X. Now I feel tempted to think about recounciliation. My X had a problem being faithful, but outside of that we usually got along pretty well. My current BF is not a caring person as my X was, but I believe he is faithful. Something is missing from our relationship and it leaves a hole in my gut. Maybe the second time around is different.
Sometimes it is really had trying to figure out what you want in life. My ACs have hinted around in the past, I think trying to initiate something between me and X. Maybe just seeing all those photos is making me miss the happy times, so I am going to sit on this for a little while.
I will miss the photos, and I am hoping the ACs will appreciate them too.
I do the same thing. Pictures aren't usually taken of the bad scenes. I still love the guy I couldn't live with. I could forgive his infidelity but I couldn't trust him any longer. I actually did remarry him but it was for financial reasons. Our house sold and he wasn't eligible for the one time capital gains exemption. I was older by 7 years. So we remarried to allow him to get that benefit. However, he was still with the other-woman and it was a short term thing. That was 30 years ago. He told my DIL a few months ago that divorcing me was the dumbest thing he ever did in his entire life.
Surprisingly, it worked for me and my Val came along. You just never know!
I am glad the Holidays are over. I feel like it puts tremendous pressure on everyone. It is like being put in a pressure cooker with the little weight on top bouncing all around getting ready to explode. And Christmas has always been my fave holiday. I am tired of walking on egg shells and wondering what if I say this or should I do this or that where my DS and DIL are concerned. It is what it is.....if they want to be in our lives and see us, they will. I just have too many others that count on me to keep it together everyday....day in and day out. It still hurts but the show must go on and I have read alot of the different stories and I know I am not alone. I just wish there was some kind of manuel that people were required to read in this day and age. It used to be called common courtesy.....that has pretty much gone out the window. I am grateful for waking up each day and doing what I need to do for my LO's and know I am loved by them. I believe that is what it boils down to....affirmation. Affirmation of love. When I accepted the fact that not everyone is going to love me as my LO's..... I believe that is when my healing began. I am trying not to take it personal. Happy New Year to everyone.
Ms. Luise I love the Miracle List.....I could use a few :o
Luise: Could we have a topic on the Miracle List? I'm not quite sure about how it works, but I think there are a lot of us who like the idea and I would like to see a sharing if you think it would be appropriate. Maybe you can give us some pointers to start? Maybe one of the moderators can point this out to Luise if she isn't on this thread?? I believe in miracles....
Begonia, I'll start a topic on miracle lists in the Grab Bag :)
Thanks, Pam! I am visiting on the other side of the mountains for a week and the Mac Notebook I brought was a disaster for many reasons. I am now on Sonja's new, PC laptop and I am only comfortable and competent on an iMac desktop. Bummer!
I will do my best to write something under Grab Bag I love it that so many of you are interested!
Oh what a lovely day.......no Christmas carols in the grocery store, nobody asking me how I was spending the holidays with my family while I smile confidently and murmur some harmless "sweet nothing".........life is back to normal......I've got at least 11 months until I have to deal with this stuff until next year.......I may just find an island where they don't celebrate Christmas for next December and see if they have a spot for me.
Happy New Year to everyone,
KG
My thoughts exactly. I truly hated them this year, extremely rough. I have seriously been thinking about a cruise for next year. I bet if Carnival advertised a "theme cruise" for Christmas it would be swamped! hey we've got some time to organize one :-*
So glad to have the holiday stuff packed away! I used to be sad to see it go, can you imagine?
I saw Valentine stuff at the grocery store yesterday LOL
Valentine stuff?Egads!!
Quote from: luise.volta on January 03, 2012, 04:09:14 PM
Valentine stuff?Egads!!
I know! I don't know why I'm shocked anymore, seems like holiday stuff comes out months in advance. One of my goals sometimes is to stock up after each and every holiday -- those sale prices after Xmas were awesome, especially on the decorations. If I could do it all over again I would celebrate Xmas a couple days late when DD was too young to understand! lol, but really it's amazing the day after the holiday all the mark downs. One of these years I'm just going to bite the bullet and shell out money to start Xmas shopping the day after Xmas.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...another Christmas miracle!!! My MIL sent me a recipe for potato candy, as I posted earlier about my grandmother Marmie always making it for us when we were little. The earth teetered a little bit on its axis, but it was well received and after I picked myself up off the floor, I filed it away and am confident that I'm going to make it, - here's to you Marmie! I love you and will eat it with you on the other shore! And best of all, I won't wear it on my hips.
Wow Ruth! That is wonderful and exciting! Now, you have to make it!
My mother used to say that "The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways"........I started looking on the internet for a Christmas destination for Dec. 2012, some place where I could hike in the outdoors and be away from every single Christmas light, carols and the other stressful stuff. Within a few minutes I had found a small house for rent, in my budget, and with some of the most wonderful hiking trails a short distance away. I contacted the landlord and it is not yet booked for Christmas, a previous potential tenant inquiry last week didn't follow up so the door is wide open for me.
I'm pinching myself. I've contacted the landlord and expressed serious interest.
Next Christmas..........something wonderful to look forward to...........and getting ready for it for the rest of 2012!!!
What are the odds that I could find something that I could afford and love so much and that it would be available for me to book??
Oh yes, sometimes the Lord does work in mysterious ways, but then again, I've got a bone to pick with him for the way that my relationship with my son has turned out so maybe this is his way of trying to make some small amends. I'll take those amends. :-)
KG - your are doing such great inner work! I love the saying..."The harder I work...the "luckier" I get! ;)
That's awesome KG! I totally believe that everything happenss for a reason!
Thank you Luise and Pooh, it will be great to have something to look forward to if it pans out.
Yep, you are one lucky girl, KG~ You walk the walk...love it!
Keys, you've inspired me to get some concrete plans for next Dec - thanks!
Good on ya, KG. So happy for you!
I'm connecting with the landlord of the little house tonight to finalize the booking.......as it happens it is in an area where I have close friends that I haven't seen for more than a decade. It's shaping up to become a Christmas reunion of sorts, the kind of event that I couldn't have imagined that I would put together and have it mushroom into a spot on my calendar that I would be circling with big red stars. It is true, what you focus on expands and in this case I'm starting to get really excited about December 2012. I never could have imagined that I would have another Christmas that I would look forward to with excitement and heady anticipation.
Does anyone remember the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" where Cathy Bates yells out "Towanda" when she's pounding down the walls in her little house while her husband looks on as if she's lost her mind?
Well, WW, "Towanda"......."TA DA!!"
Hee Hee...love that movie! "I'm older than you and have more insurance!"
KG - I am over here pounding and yelling..."You go, girl!" What a wonderful turn of events when you shifted your focus toward "that which you wanted to create." (A quote from a book my son published years ago.) Congratulations!!! :D
Thank you so much, Luise, it's a done deal!
I know I wouldn't be going without all your wise counsel over the last couple of years, I wouldn't have known how to move on in a positive direction, so I'll keep a little piece of you in my heart on the trails and as I get ready over the course of the next 11 months.
We love your KG! You aren't going to be leaving WWU are you?
Of course not! I have to start hitting the gym to get into shape for the hiking!
Whew! That's a relief!
I used to do a lot of backpacking when I was in my 50s and 60s. Did canoeing in the Boundary Waters of Minnesota in my 70s. Dog walks in my 80s! I wonder if going to the mail box will be "it" in my 90s? LOL!
Hmmm....how far away is the mailbox?
We were talking about barbecue or dishes from around the world instead of turkey next year for Christmas. I love the idea of getting away but we have 6 cats and 2 dogs and raccoons and birds and other critters that come up and eat. So I think next year we will plan day trips to places thru the holiday time. We can't leave for long but a day would be ok. :D
I have a friend who house/pet sits. You might find someone to do that. It can be good to really get away for a few days. I did that this month for the first time in over a decade and it was wonderful! :D