September 27, 2023, 08:15:16 AM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Abusive DS
Last post by Devonidle - June 21, 2021, 01:00:35 PM
I've just found this group & already feel less alone.
My DS has a nasty habit of sending vile abusive text messages whilst drinking.
He literally torments me blaming me for every perceived wrong in his life.
I have 2 daughters & my DS is the youngest. I suffered extreme emotional, physical abuse from both of my parents from my earliest memory untill the day I got on a truck for a lift to the other end of the country at 22. As abused people do I entered a abusive relationship & had my 3 children, I fled for my life & my children's safety from the relationship, changed names DOB became anonymous, I also got some very serious trauma therapy & with my 3 children started to build a life. They were the centre of my world & our lives were fairly normal untill my DS hit his teens. All 3 were aware their names had been changed & they were under court order of protection from their father, my son started using this as a weapon to beat me with. Everything that has ever gone wrong for him is blamed on myself. By 16 he was getting into serious problems with police & drinking heavily. I have tried everything to encourage him to find his thing in life, paid for collage supporting his every choice, usually this was met with verbal abuse & gaslighting me. Age 21 he left home to work abroad me & my long suffering partner paid his expenses to start new job... needless to say he got fired for drunken abusive behaviour. He continued to live his life from job to job for a further 2 years & all the while sending me & my DDs horrendous vile txts & voicemails. Life became a living hell & I made the decision to remove myself & my DDs to block & delete him. I literally fell apart with the weight of guilt, but my DDs thrived & I could enjoy their lives without fear of how my DS would perceive our relationships & try to destroy it. We were estranged for 5 years until his now partner contacted me, 2 years on my relationship with my DS is back to his vile txt abuse, he & his partner literally dragged details of my past out of me, as his drinking was a result of my childhood trauma, this included a forced pregnancy by my parents, something only my therapist knew as it was so painful for me & shameful too. My DS has now spent the last weekend abusing me, I am now walking away permanently, he & his partner are 8 months pregnant & I am still leaving this toxic relationship. I can't fix him & I cannot stay even if there's a Grandbaby arriving. The pain is horrendous raw & all the shame I felt in my childhood floods back, but I will survive. So Thankyou for allowing me to share.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Dil
Last post by Stilllearning - May 29, 2021, 12:14:06 PM
Welcome L!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

OK, I admit that I am a little confused.  How is your DIL supposed to put you first when her parents are in town?  What should she say to her visiting parents to get away from them?  Isn't she is just being a good hostess by not abandoning her guests?
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Dil
Last post by - May 27, 2021, 07:48:32 PM
My son and wife married almost two years. When her mom and dad come to visit nothing exist for her but her mom and dad. They just moved into a new house and the parents are spending the night. I'm my opinion, She has never separated emotionally from her parents and she is 38 years old. What do you all think?
Thank you.
Hopefully, someday, if and when her illness is managed better, and her grief is being dealt with, things can mend.  It will look different, but I still hope something can be salvaged.  There is a really good person under all her challenges; I've seen that person and hope to be involved on a different level with her.
Meanwhile, I plough on ahead.... the difference being I refuse to be her target of choice anymore.
Welcome! I love the answer you got from Still Learning and second everything she shared with you. For me, it was very hard to let go of being the involved mother, every kid needs for so many learning to be the one who needed to move on with my own life. 

I used to be in the thick of it. What happened? It was close to impossible for me to get that as a young adult, it was my son's job to learn via trial and error and face the consequences. And further that it was literally none of my business. I have to say, it was trial and error for me, too. It took years before we were able to transcend the parent-child thing but eventually, we made it and are now friends. 
You can do it, too!
Thanks so much for the response!  (Fidelia isn't my real name, nor even close really.  Just liked the sound of it.)  The debt was racked up on the joint account so, sadly, I am indeed responsible....but I'm working on it and making progress.
I work at the opposite age extreme to your former job as I now work in a long-term care home.  I genuinely do like it there; it satisfies my soul.

I expect that one of the reasons my youngest is so angry is that, on some level she also now realizes that the net beneath her tightrope has been removed, so she is frightened.  Will she ever come around?  Who can tell.  I hope so, but won't hold my breath.

Welcome G!   We are glad you found us.  Please check out the forum agreement under "Open Me First" on the home page to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored site.

Wow!  What a horrible thing to have happen to you!  Staying busy is a great way to handle it.  I would just add one caveat to your conclusion.  You should try to stay busy doing fun things.   You did your best and now it is time for you to enjoy life.  I am not saying that you should "get over this", I am saying that you should stop thinking about it.  Deliberately force your mind to think of something else.  I used to plan camping trips and menus and make lists for the trips.  Whatever will make you stop thinking about your DS and your grands.  Your life will improve if you can take your mind off of your troubles and focus on your joys.  I try to live in an attitude of gratitude and all of us have something to be great-full for as long as we are on this side of the grass!

I hope that this will eventually work its way out but until then please find a way to enjoy your life.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a hospital.  Have some fun!  Hugs!!!

PS....I edited your post because we do not allow religion on the site.  Also you should probably change your name to something less identifiable and more anonymous.  Only the founder of the site uses her real name.  It makes us feel more free to share.  Hugs again!!
Welcome F! 
We are glad you found us.  Please check out the forum agreement under "Open Me First" on the home page to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored site.

Reading (and rereading) your post makes me think you know what you need but you, like most of us, are having a difficult time taking that step.  You know that your relationship with your DD is toxic and detrimental to both your health and your emotional well being.  We spend our lives trying to cushion our children from the cruelties of life but in some cases, like ours, we find out that trying to continue running interference actually hurts us and the effort is resented by our offspring.  That is when I decided that life was taking over as my adult child's teacher.  Life doesn't give second chances or do overs very often.  Your DD has her own lessons in life to learn, on her own time with her own repercussions and there is no way you can change what she has to learn no matter how hard you try.  I am so sorry that you have to go through this and I truly cannot tell you if your DD will ever see the light and straighten up. 

Your job of teaching your DD is over and now is the time for you to focus on yourself.  I know that money is tight but that does not mean that you cannot enjoy life.  Remember that what you focus on expands so keep you mind on things that make you happy.  I went to work for a day care center.  It was like being paid to be a grandma!  The kids loved to see me and I totally loved seeing them and interacting with them and I was getting paid to boot!  The pandemic stopped that because of my age (a little older than you but not much!) and now my grands from my DS have moved in with me so I don't get paid for being a grandma anymore but since this DS is the one who was the reason for me joining this website........well I guess it is all working out in the long run (10 years later!). 

Still the thing to remember is that you did the very best that you could with your children and now is the time to focus on yourself. 


By the way if your DH did not put your name on the accounts he charged up then I believe that you are not legally responsible for repaying them.  You should check with a lawyer or one of those free legal clinics.  Might save you thousands.  Also you might consider changing your screen name to something less identifiable.  Only the lady who started this site, Luise, is allowed to use her actual name.  Thanks!
Long story.  I married the wrong man 48 years ago.  He was abusive almost from the start but he always made me feel like it was my fault.  Six years later we had our only child.  He got worse and eventually I was forced to leave with my child (pulling guns).  So I left and filed for divorce.  I got custody of our son.  He literally drove me crazy for the next 8 years.  He taught our son cuss words and he would cuss me out from a very early age.  He taught him I was the scum of the earth.  He basically brain washed our son.  I tried EVERYTHING!!  We were in counseling.  We would have knock down dragouts over a glass of water.  It was horrible! For a couple of years he would have a friend of his come flatten my tires a couple of times a week.  I had to get up at 5am just to see if I needed to fix my tire.  I know it was him because it never happened to anyone else and when I moved it continued to happen.

Fast forward, at 9 years old I had to let my son go live with my ex-husband.  He was finally happy and left me alone.  My life was much better.  Although I suspected ex had not changed -- I had no choice but to let him go.

Fast forward, at 18 my son asked if he could come back and live with me, he was tired of dad.  I moved and turned my living arrangements upside down to accommodate him.  He lived with me for 6 years and it was our best 6 years ever.  He even told me one time that his dad had lied about me all his life and that he know saw I wasn't what he had been told.

So, he got married a few years later and everything was good for a few years.  Then they got pregnant and things started to change.  They spent all their holidays with her parents -- her mother wouldn't tolerate a Thanksgiving etc without them - and I went along with everything to keep peace.  About 10 years ago my son got really weird.  We'd be talking about something and all of a sudden he would go into this rant 'WE ARE TRUTH SEEKERS.  WE'D RATHER HEAR THE TRUTH.'  It was strange -- but because our eggshell relationship I'd say nothing.  We be talking about some simple subject and I wasn't lying.

Now, I had seen him display rage with on a few occasions with others -- but of course never expected him to treat me that way.  He was acting like his dad.

They had gotten distant.  Christmas Day I'd show up about noon for our Christmas and they were still in bed.  My birthday or Mother's Day he call me about 10 o'clock at night.  Although I did go over to their house often, I now realize they didn't want me there.  I was not any kind of priority.  I'm embarrassed to say I never called them on their behavior.  I just went along with it because I wanted to be in their lives.

10 years ago, my dad came to live with me and after about a year we needed to clean out his home because it was not safe just to leave as it.  So, I offered them some furniture and they went down to get it and I kept the two children.  I had planned to take the children to a birthday party while they were gone, but I got lost and never found the party.  So we went to eat and went back to their house.  Well, later in evening my 2 year old grandson who was potty training had a poop accident and cleaned him up.  I was going to put the training pants in washing machine but there was clothes it so I decided to call and ask them where they wanted to put them.  My son threw a total FIT!!  He demanded to know exactly how I cleaned him up and very ugly and rude.  Said some ugly stuff.  For god's sake, I'm not a child abuser - I cleaned up the mess.  He never believed me.  He knows I'm directionally challenged even with GPS.

Things got worse.  My brother was having some health issues and I let him move into my dad's house.  I did not ask my son.  It was not planned - it happened very suddenly.  Well, a few weeks later my mother and I went down to visit my brother. We had left a car at my son's house -- he wanted to know where we were going.  He drilled me like a drill sargent -- and because I didn't want to tell him, I did lie.  I admit it.  I told him we were going to visit relatives.  I told him we'd discuss it when I got back.  Well when I told him he went off on me and my mother.  Seriously ugly and disrepectful.  I left in tears and have never been back.  I assumed everything would work itself out, but it did not.  Over the next few months he would call and tell me the real problem.  He had been invading my privacy for years and I didn't know.  Stupid me.  He was on my checking account and watched my every move.  I like slot machines and he was very angry about that.  My dad lived with me for a while and then I had to put him in a nursing home.  He was more than I could handle.  My son demanded that I give him bank statements from my dad's bank accounts and account for every penny he had (he only had about $17,000 and we had to spend that down when he went into the nursing home). He said the most horrible things to me that you can imagine.  He accused me of lying, cheating, stealing -- said when he was a child I lied about his age at a restaurant buffet (really?).  He said that if I did not meet his demands I would not be allowed to see the children and that I'd never see them again. 

I refused to be bullied and told him no.  Because it was none of his business and I knew he'd be trying to control me for the rest of my life.  He even accused me of making my dad change his will.  I sent him wills so he could see what had happened and he never believed me.

So, it's now been 8 years-- starting the 9th year.  I'm still heart broken.  I reach out a couple of times a year and sometimes I get short response and sometimes nothing.  I have not seen the kids since they were 4 and 2 (they are not turning 13 and 11).  I have had no pictures in all these years -- and no pictures are very posted on FaceBook.  I'm blocked from anyone that might post a picture.

I don't think I'll ever get over this.  I just try and stay busy.

First of all, what a relief to find this place.  I had no idea such a forum existed and found it by looking up "What to do when your child hates you."  It grieves me that I'm not alone; that so many others are experiencing similar pain, but I am also comforted in that this says I'm not alone; somebody(ies) understand.
Here's the Cole's Notes version of where I am:
I'm 62 years old.  I was widowed very suddenly and unexpectedly last August.  DH and I had 3 children.  A son, from my first marriage, and two daughters of ours.  There were also 2 sons from his first marriage which is a whole other mess for another time perhaps.
DH suffered from bi-polar disorder which, after many years and medication trials (I thought, as did our doctor) was under control.  One of the common manifestations of the 'manic phase' is out-of-control spending.  I had NO IDEA it was happening, and take full responsibility for not having been more vigilant re: our finances.  However, DH always assured me things were fine, and I took him at his word.  Imagine then, my shock and horror to find that every penny was gone, and a further 61 thousand dollars in debt had been racked up.  In the past 8 months I have managed by going back to work (had been retired), taking on every available overtime hour, and cutting my budget beyond the bone and right into the very marrow, to pay off almost half of that.
Our youngest, who was always a "challenging" child, and also suffers from bi-polar disorder has concluded that I, and I alone, am to blame for, well, everything.  Her father, in her mind, is now Saint Daddy who did no wrong ever.  (DH was, indeed, the "fun parent", and I carried the weight of most of the practicalities.)  Side note: as part of her challenges to us, she once accused her father of being abusive (physical and mental but not I hasten to add sexual), which lead to Family Services removing her from our home.  She was back within a few days.  She made a LOT of questionable friendships and decisions in her teen years, but we were always there to pick her up, give her and her kids a place to live, money, gifts etc.  As it turns out, her dad spent a lot more on her and her children than I knew.  In any case, when he died, that tap was turned off quickly and forcefully. 
I have received several poisonous text messages from her since accusing me of being a bad, distant and neglectful mother and grandmother.  These notes are absolutely viscous towards me, and canonize her dad.  I suspect there is a lot of guilt behind that on the latter part. And so much anger!  I am, as I entitled this, The Target of Choice.  Yes, she is receiving medical attention for her illness, but so was the case with her dad....the results aren't quite as hoped. 
Honestly?  I do NOT need this added stress.  Not at my age.  Not in my financial position.  Not while I'm still adapting to being a widow for crying out loud.  Thus far, whenever I get one of these texts (and there have been several), I do not answer them as I need not attend every argument to which I am invited.  She is utterly convinced that her accusations represent the pure unvarnished Truth.  DH was also like that in his depressive while I have seen this before (and survived it), I feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down.
Is this all self-pity (another accusation I get) or....  I don't know...what?
Thank you for reading/listening.  It helps just to put it down and out there.
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