September 27, 2023, 08:13:08 AM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Son-n-law
Last post by Stilllearning - August 22, 2021, 06:47:55 AM
Hello S!!  I am glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I am so sorry that you are in such an untenable situation!  The problem for me was that I had to wait for my DS to make the decision to get out of his abusive marriage (it was emotional abuse but abuse just the same).  I am not sure how I would have handled it if it had been physical but I know that you should not have to put up with abuse.  The hardest part for me was pulling back and letting my DS learn his own lessons.  It hurt to be so distant from him and my grands and it hurt even more when I checked on Facebook and found out how much time the other grandparents got.  I spent 10 years watching from the sidelines and trying my best NOT to think about it.  This year he finally left her and I am loving getting to know my DS and his two daughters finally!!

Stand up for your rights!  You have the right to be treated civilly especially in your own home!  Hang in there!


Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Son-n-law
Last post by shi30ro - August 16, 2021, 10:11:30 PM
Hello. Im new. Im hoping someone else has had a similar issue.  Its hard to know how to explain without typing a novel! Lol.  Its in regards to my new son-in-law of two + years. He is very different from us but i have made it a point to try and get to know and understand him.  He has been caught doing some things that has made me not care to be around him.  But as a mom I know i need to keep trying.I have gone out of my comfort zone to accept him.  He did something recently that will be very difficult to forget. It was the last straw so to speak.  Right now I do not want him in my home.  I love my daughter and we have always had a solid relationship.    After an incident in my home when  my sil completely came unhinged and had to be restrained as he raised his fist to me and was verbally insulting. I cannot have him in my home.  At least not until he gets himself together.    He had been calling me mom and if he wants me to be a mom to him then I cannot reward his bad behavior.  Suffice it to say it was very bad.  They live 2.5 hours away.  all of my kids come home alot. They grew up here and have all their friends here. Its their home but not their house. All my kids are independent and have good careers and are fun to be with.  We share similar interests and hobbies. We have loads of fun. They call home and FaceTime or text. ..  A day doesn't go by that they arent present in our lives.  We are a very close family.  I have some theories about sil behavior that seem logical given his background. I can forgive him and be loving to him as long as he understands his actions will not be tolerated.    I dont need an apology from him, i need for him to know that he knows why he has been acting out while taking responsibility for his actions. I can accept him as a son but he can not misbehave in my home and be disrespectful.    I hate that Im hurting my sweet daughter and it has been a month since the incident and nothing has changed. I have not spoken to sil.  Havent seen him.  He knows he is in denial and is under the opinion that i will accept his actions so I wont loose my daughter.  the only way sil will be welcome by us is if he shows he can be civil and respectful.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: SIL Trucker
Last post by Stilllearning - August 04, 2021, 01:27:57 AM
Hi T!!  I am glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

That male ego is something, isn't it?  He is hurt by the knowledge that his wife (your DD) is smarter than he is.  That is a hard cookie for him to swallow.  It does sound like he is taking out his insecurities on you and your DD.  That, of course, is neither here nor there and there is no way for you to "fix" it the same way that there was no way to "fix" my DS's marriage to an emotionally abusive spouse.  Many of us have had to pull back and have suffered the same heart wrenching sadness that you are enduring now.  It really stinks and it is totally unfair but I couldn't find any way to avoid it.

I finally came to the realization that I deserved better.  I have done my job and raised my children and now is my time to enjoy life.  It took time but eventually I learned how to pull my mind back from the swirling and hopeless thoughts that would pull me into the massive depression that consumed my every second (I now call that 'the abyss').  You can learn how to also.  My three mantras are on many posts and I am sure people are tired of hearing them so I will not repeat them here.  If you read very many posts I am sure you will have read them.  You deserve to enjoy your life.  Your DD's lessons are her own to learn and it is not your job to insulate her from those lessons.  She will find her own way.  Good luck!!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / SIL Trucker
Last post by Toddy - August 01, 2021, 05:37:28 AM
I am new here and find myself struggling.  My SIL is a trucker only home maybe 6 days a month.  He has to do long distant trucking due to injuries and he is not the professional white collared man.  He is a good provider and I give him credit where he deserves it.  But he messes up in his marriage and then he spins and there is no stopping.  This is what happened.  At a truck stop someone appeared saying they was from the DEA and he said he verified his badge on google.  The man convinced him to take out $300 and put in gift cards and tried to get him to empty his bank accounts.  He wanted her to empty accounts but she instead when to the police department and they backed up and ran.  Needless to say there was no money on gift cards because he took pictures of it and sent it to them with codes.    Now mind you for 10 years my daughter has taken care of business after another major issue.  Thats another whole story. 
My SIL is so jealous that my daughter spends her time with me while he is away.  She has two boys age 7 and 9.  Guess who helps when she needs something.  Or even if he does?  Me.  But he is upset that his boys are close to me.  I just dont know what to do.  I told my daughter do what you need to do that its her family and if she can make it work it would be good for the kids as well.  So I have backed up away and its killing me.  She feels like i abandoned her but that is far from the case.  I am just trying to give her space to work out what she needs.  I love my SIL but why?  I dont get why I am the scapegoat?  I worked my whole life to be close to my kids and am close to my son also.  Why am I being punished?  Why is she hurting and has no body and he is happy?  Something is wrong with that issue.  All he does is yells and the boys dont even care if he comes home. Its so sad they need a father.  I know this sounds crazy and i sit here crying.  Heck I can even post pictures or things about grandsons because he is upset that he might not have known it first.  Lord i thought if i shared things he could be closer to them....but no my intentions of good is taken as bad.  So i no longer post about my grandsons.  10 years..and this is second time he has spun in circles.  How much damage is going to be done this time?  He pushes her to work.. How he isn't home to help?  What if boys got sick? Pandemic she fixes everything at home replaces toilets in the home I have helped with their house so when he comes home he is free to be with them.  And I totally back away for them to have their time?  And here I am .....shaking my head not understanding.....and hurting for my daughter.....Sorry I am a mess.....thanks for letting me vent in a safe I dont want to hurt anyone and want the best for them.
Hi L!  I am glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

It took 10 years and an arrest before my DS came to his senses.  So many occasions lost and so many times that I resented the other parents for having all of that contact with my (eventually) two grands.  If you look at my posts through the years you will see the ways I tried to fix things and the times I tried to get my DS to wake up.  I tried using guilt on him to get him to contact me.  I tried everything!!  Nothing worked.  I finally gave up.  I had to use my mantras every day.  You are more than welcome to use them if they help you:

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What I focus on expands

The first one is the one I used to say whenever anyone asked me how my DS was doing.

The second one was the one I used whenever someone told me what my DS was currently doing (like your other son who told you your DS was thinking of going to work with his in laws).

And lastly the third (and most important) one.  I used this one whenever my mind peeked over the edge of what I now refer to as "the abyss".  The abyss is that spiraling thought process where I would wonder what I could do to make things better, think about the things I had already unsuccessfully tried, how could I do it differently, why that wouldn't work, how my DS must hate me to allow me to be hurt this way, what could I do to make it better.....round and around and around.  I never got anywhere with that thinking, I only got more depressed.  I eventually learned to think of happy things to pry my mind away from the abyss and avoid the depressions.

So it went until I finally reached the point where I knew that I had to stop.  I stopped asking, pleading, cajoling, calling, texting, communicating.  Sometimes I think about it like he was in a room with multiple doors all leading to someone.  He could open any door he wanted but every time he opened mine (where I was waiting and knocking) I hit him with complaints.  Who would want to open THAT door? 

It took him a long time to realize that I was no longer knocking but eventually he opened the door on his own.  I did my best to tell him about all the fun stuff my DH and I had been doing (camping, canoeing, hiking, visiting friends etc.) and not complain about anything.  He started getting in touch more but we never got back to where we were and we never will.  We have both changed.  He had his lessons to learn and I had mine.  Until this happened to him (my eldest) I never really treated him like an adult.  I was always trying to do things to help him and by helping him I was actually keeping him dependent.  That is something I have learned to avoid with my younger son.  He has to ask for my help before I give it to him.  So what have I learned?  I have learned that some of life's lessons are horribly painful.  Hopefully life will not present me with another that is more difficult than this one was.

As for your situation, I would contact my DS by what ever means I had, and give him a deadline on how long his car can stay there (certified letter in case they try to take you to court?) and at the end of that period I believe you can change the title to your name and sell it as your vehicle because it has been abandoned on your property.  Check with the government office that titles autos in your county or state to find out exactly how to do that.  Re-rent the apartment and be ready to praise your new tenants when your DS calls.  Get busy doing fun things that you can talk about to him if/or when he calls.  Be sure your DH is involved so you can talk about how much fun the two of you are having but mostly go out there and have some fun!!

We dedicate our lives to our children while they are growing up and once they are gone we feel like failures if we are not a constant figure in their lives.  Why is that?  If we do our job as parents properly then our children no longer need us.  It is our time now.  We deserve to have some fun!

Good luck!  HUGS!!!! what you wish for, my DS and my two wonderful grands moved in with us this year.  The emotional problems that the two grands have are proving to be real challenges.  My DH is walking around saying "What golden years?"  Like I say..... "Life.....never exactly what you expected!"
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Son and DIL estrangement
Last post by Leeam41 - July 27, 2021, 03:51:38 PM
My OS has been in a relationship with his partner for 4 years and married for one year. Everything was great between us. I really liked her she was calm, sweet and helpful. She seemed to be a great fit for my son. We let them move into the next door apartment we had for rent and helped them financially every step of the way. I was grateful for our relationship because I know all too well the stigma of the MIL and DIL relationship. When he popped the question I was determined to be the best MIL ever. We would sit outback together and have coffee and she'd show me Pinterest wedding ideas and I'd show her things I found on Amazon. We had a good friendship going. Things began to get rocky in my own marriage. When Covid hit my husband stopped working for the first time in 35 years. We suddenly had a lot of time together to work on everything we pushed down while raising kids. Then my father passed away from Covid. My husband experienced an acute psychotic episode for the first time in his life. It ended up being a combination of stress, huge life change with not working, my dad's death and funeral all hitting at once and to top it all off, we learned he might have bladder cancer. Meds interacted and pushed it over the edge. He was not making sense and having mild hallucinations and vision changes. My DIL and OS were concerned about the wedding. They didn't want to postpone it or ruin it even though we were in a pandemic and still recovering from everything else. I never asked them to but I admit I thought given the situation they would consider it. Things began to stabilize and my husband was no longer having symptoms although he was understandably beat down. We pushed through and tried to be what my son needed.
I noticed a change in my DIL shortly after things were calming down during the final wedding plans. They decided to undo our roles in the wedding prep and Her family wanted to handle everything for it and have it at their house. I said please let us pitch in but they refused help. When I gave my son a few addresses for our family members to be invited he said he would have to ask if there was room for any extra people since her parents were covering it. I was stunned. I was able to get approval for an aunt and cousin to attend. Little things happened throughout the week leading up to the wedding day and the day of that hurt my feelings but I let it go. My son was happy and he deserved a drama free day. She seemed ok after the wedding and 2 weeks later she surprised me with a positive pregnancy test and I was shocked, a little scared, but mostly thrilled at the thought of being a grandma and having a little one around for holidays and family time.
Through the pregnancy my DIL was very sick. My son worked long hours and they were grateful I was right next door if she needed anything. I would bring her healthy soup, jello and flowers. I paid for things so they could start a nest egg. I was happy to help and they were grateful for it. As the pregnancy progressed she grew more distant and seemed cold. When I'd invite them for dinner or something my DS would come over without her and always assured me that it was the pregnancy being difficult and she was too tired. I believed him. I know how hard it can be I've been there. The closer it got to delivery day the more distant and cold they both became. They were stressed and anxious about everything. My DS had a talk with me and expressed that my house wasn't clean enough and they wanted it deep cleaned before the baby came. I was hurt but I understand new parents can be overprotective and I just wanted to have time with my grandbaby so I did my best to get it in shape. Plans were made with her family for the day after they came home from the hospital. Her whole family was invited and they spent the whole day together. My husband and I were told we can see the baby for a few minutes when they get home but they need to rest so it'll be a quick peek. I was shocked. I didn't want to cause an issue so I said how about you guys get rest and we can spend some time with you guys tomorrow. They agreed. The visit went well and I was in love immediately.she was the most beautiful baby. She has my chin. I was beyond happy. My husband and I began buying toys and books for our anticipated visits and read everything on how to be a good grandparent and how to respect the DIL. We didn't see them much and I tried to give them space. I offered to bring laundry to my house, cook dinner, clean, sit with baby so she could shower or nap etc. Everything was refused. My son was overwhelmed. After his  2 week parental leave he was back to working 10hr shifts and my DIL was exhibiting signs of postpartum depression. She was in the house with the baby and curtains drawn all day every day. They slept. The baby was up all night and my son was exhausted getting up at 5am for his long work day. He would come home and get the house cleaned and cook dinner and then collapse and do it all again. I was watching him endure so much stress and not taking care of himself. He refused to let me help with anything. Then they started staying at her mom's house and said it was because she needs help during the day. I understand that she is more comfortable with her mom. I was glad they were taking support from someone, didn't matter who. Easter Sunday was approaching and DS told me that they were spending it with her family and we should just plan to float holidays for our family to the following weekend because she has a bigger family and it's more of an event at their house. I was hurt. I felt like we were the substandard family they were obligated to see around holidays. I let my son know I was hurt but ultimately grateful for any time I could get so we agreed to do Easter and every other holiday the weekend after to accommodate them. The day was fun and we tie dyed shirts and grilled food. My DIL was clearly unhappy. I tried to sit and talk to her and got short answers in monotone. Again I assumed she's tired and not to take it personally. Ultimately it was a good day. That  following week I didn't hear from them until the AC broke in their apartment and they went back to her mom's. We asked them when we could have access to the apartment to put in new AC and they weren't sure stating they were very busy. My husband, feeling odd that we didn't have a key to begin with, texted DS and asked him to drop off keys and we can handle it for them. He refused saying they aren't comfortable with anyone being there when they are not home. I was angry. We were being disrespected and I was not going to let it slide. I let him know I thought it was absurd but if that's what he feels then we will respect it. DIL then proceeded to complain to others that we still hadn't fixed their AC and they were "forced" to stay at her parents because of it. I was shocked again. Then 3 days before mother's day I get the call. My son proceeds to tell me a list of things my husband and I have done that have made DIL uncomfortable. He said they were pretending to be okay with us but really my husband's ordeal a year prior has affected her too much she can't be okay with him ever again.  He said it was  the hardest thing he's ever done but he has to cut my husband out of our family plans because DIL doesn't feel safe. It didn't even sound like him.  He wouldn't explain further. I told him I was not going to tell my husband, the man who raised my son with me since Kindergarten and was not a threat whatsoever, that he wasn't welcome around holidays because she was not comfortable. I pointed out that we've had a year of gatherings and interactions that have been totally fine and the situation is not ongoing. I suggested family therapy. He said he would try to work it out and convince her to  try therapy with us. He said he would still come see me on mother's day. I messaged him the next morning and told him I was hurt and had a hard night. I was up thinking about everything and feeling so confused. I had more questions and he never replied.  Then mother's day came and went no call or text. A few days later I get a note in my mailbox with keys telling me they moved out and not to contact them. That I hurt them and he will do anything to keep his new family from an uncomfortable situation. Shocked again. They left my DILs broken down car on our property and left me with an $800 electric bill. It's been 4 months and my son won't speak to me. My grandbaby doesn't know me and she's growing rapidly. I missing it all. First smiles words and steps. They led me to believe I was going to be an involved grandma. I don't believe this is happening. I sent him a father's day card and gift telling him we love and miss him and still nothing. Her car is still here and I can't even get her parents to reply or return our call about their daughters abandoned property. I'm so hurt. I cry every day. I don't know how this happened. It just looks like she's insecure and controlling only wanting her family involved. She's slowly taking everything away from him. He doesn't have any of his family or friends anymore to be in his corner and now I heard from his brother ,my other son, who works with him that he's thinking of leaving the job he loves and going to work at her father's company. It seems like she's isolating and brainwashing him. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to mind my business let him be a grown up but I'm afraid for his mental health and I'm essentially allowing these grown people to use and discard me and keep my grandbaby away from us behaving like kids. I'm not sure how to handle it. I want my grandbaby to know I didn't give up on her. I don't want her to think she wasn't important enough to fight for. All I want is an hour a month. An occasional picture. I can't believe this happened. I'm devastated.
When you say no to someone and they get angry that's a red flag IMHO.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: son wanting to move in
Last post by Stilllearning - July 10, 2021, 09:31:46 AM
Oh R, how sad that you are in this situation!  I have no idea what I would do.  I would want to help my DS so much but perhaps it is time for him to learn some hard life lessons?   Is there some way you can help him get a job?  Maybe you could help him make a resume?  Send him a list of people around you who are hiring.  There are lots of folks around here who are hiring.  Good luck!!

My  son that's in his 30s is having to leave the place he's been sharing with someone because they aren't getting along. He has nowhere to go but does have alittle money put aside. He is wanting to quit his job and come here ( 1000 miles away) without securing another job first and with no real idea of how to make all of this happen. He has no place to stay once he gets here so he wants to move in with us. He has child support and other responsibilities to take care of. He told me he can't pay all of his bills and live on his own because he won't be able to make it financially. He has a long history of picking up and leaving the place he's at when things get tough, and has made several major moves in his lifetime. He also has some anger issues and a bit of an attitude. I also know he can be manipulative when he feels the need to. He says if we don't let him move in with us he will be homeless and has really put me in a very bad situation because my husband  (not his father) has said no, he will not live with him. My husband doesn't feel that my son has a real plan to move out if he moves in, and doesn't feel he can live with some of my sons ways. If it were up to me only I would probably let him. I told my son to get an apartment for the time being but he insists that he can't. I explained to him that I can't fix a lifetime of bad decisions for him, as much as I would like to. And to me I really think he expects me to do exactly that. He said some mean things to me out of anger when I told him he couldn't move in and threw it in my face that me and my husband have the things we need in life. He then texted me bye, as if to say he was done talking to me. The audacity he had is just beyond belief, and to realize that he based his relationship with me off of what I could do for him is just sad. He was being sweet when he felt he might have a chance of moving in, but once he realized he couldn't, he turned immediately into a very mean person. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, or how we can ever get back to some kind of normalcy. I don't even know if I should be trying after all of this has happened. Maybe I should just leave him alone but of course I love him and so it's hard. I want him to have a place of his own and be able to make it....sighs
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Abusive DS
Last post by Stilllearning - June 22, 2021, 05:29:54 AM
Hi D!!  We are glad that you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you!  We try our best to insulate our children from the horrors of abuse.  Often times they see the abuse through childlike eyes and make assumptions with their very young brains that are completely incomprehensible to us as adults.  We cannot  change their minds no matter how hard we try or how reasonable we are.

It really sounds like you know exactly what we are going to say.  You deserve better than you are getting.  Your DS has his own life lessons to learn and anything you do to try to help him will only interfere with the lessons he has to learn.  You and your DDs should have the opportunity to enjoy your lives.  So go out there and enjoy!!

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