March 03, 2024, 04:34:53 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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1
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in law
Last post by Stilllearning - November 04, 2022, 08:02:27 AM
Hi L!  Glad to see you back. I know it is not what you want to hear but most DILs don't like us MILs at first and some never warm up to us regardless of how hard we try to get them to like us.  My DIL didn't like me until she and my DS separated and they were married for 10 years.  The point is that although she is currently your DIL he will always be your son.  Your job, at this point, is to enjoy your life.  Go have some fun!  It is difficult to do, I know!!!  Here is how I managed it.

First I adopted my three mantras:
1)  What I focus on expands (So every time I thought of the things that made me unhappy I would force my mind to more pleasant things)
2)  Not my circus, not my monkeys (To remind myself that I could not change my DS's situation so I might as well use option 1 above)
3)  No news is good news (To reassure myself that everything in my DS's life was OK and also what I would reply to people who asked how he was)

When my mind wandered to what I now call "the abyss" (You know, that spiraling thought process where I ended up more and more depressed) I would pull out my mantras and say them to myself as many times as I needed to until my mind could focus on something I enjoyed.  I planned camping trips, figured out menus, made grocery lists, walked in the woods, whatever would occupy my mind in a cheerful way.  My DH and I planned all sorts of camping trips (they don't cost tons of cash) and we went out and had a blast.  Then when we called to talk to my DS I was no longer asking him questions about his life, I was telling him how much fun we were having!  Suddenly I was not a call to be avoided but one to enjoy, for both of us.

I didn't try to talk to my DIL.  As a matter of fact there was a point right after the separation when my DIL hated the sight of me so much that she would meet my DS at the end of the street to avoid me.  She has since found a wonderful therapist who has helped her to see things in a different light.  The changes in her are amazing and I am sure her life is better for it.  I am actually proud of her, which is astounding if you know where I was before.  You can read all of my posts on this forum if you want to know the rest.  It gets rather repetitive so I can certainly understand avoiding it.  Trust me, it was far worse to live it!

Hugs!
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I can't talk to dil' don't want to start anything, I feel her disapproval of me.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Daughter in law
Last post by Lawson2663@gmail.com - October 30, 2022, 03:22:05 PM
I don't think my dil likes me
4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Accepting reality
Last post by PatiencePlease - June 10, 2022, 04:31:44 PM
Sending you hugs Marina. Please know  I still have my moments but I am determined not to host another personal pity party for myself which is so easy for me to do.

Your son continues to stay in touch.  Hold on to that and don't give up. Who knows what the future holds?

Thank you for sharing your story.
5
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Accepting reality
Last post by Marina - June 08, 2022, 12:28:14 PM
Hugs to you.  My son, DIL, and their young kids live close by and I don't have contact with the family because DIL won't allow it nor is she willing to work on any issues between us.  I still have some contact with son because he continues to make it happen.  I have my ups and downs with it emotionally, and I'm still trying to find peace in this situation.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Accepting reality
Last post by PatiencePlease - May 18, 2022, 12:17:51 PM
The wise women of this forum have helped me time and time again over the years. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!  

My adult children (one son, one daughter) have families of their own.  Geographically, we live far away from each other.  I had hoped that H and I would still continue to be a constant figure in the lives of our kids and grandchildren.  But reality set in.... we live too far apart for that to happen.  I don't like it, but I understand it.  

I hardly ever hear from my son; I know there's marital problems; I know it's better I don't hear the heart wrenching details.  I asked my daughter if we could plan a visit to see her family.  Her response was that they've got too many things going on, suggesting we visit in the fall. Ouch.

As I struggle with this, I am around others who have frequent contact with their adult children.  If they live near their adult children,  they share in the day-to-day and are entwined in the details.  Others live apart from their adult children, but share the day-to-day details via daily phone calls and face time, etc.  

I could mourn the relationship I don't share with my adult children, or... I could accept what is and celebrate  their independence (that was the goal I hoped for as their parent).  I choose the latter.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Coping with holidays
Last post by Stilllearning - December 10, 2021, 07:22:56 AM
Hello, A, and welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.  Also you need to change your screen name to something more anonymous, Luise is the only one who uses her real name.

I was exactly where you are a few years ago.  Every holiday I would tell myself that I was fine but the whole time I was thinking about how I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated.  I barely saw my DS and his wife and my grand kids because I would be cooking all day and they would take a nap after the meal.  I would smile fake smiles and try to act happy so that I would not ruin everyone's holiday.  I worked my buns off trying to make the day happy for every one else.  Then one year my DH suggested that since the weather was going to be incredible for Thanksgiving day but it was going to really stink the day after why didn't we go canoeing on Thanksgiving day and cook the meal the day after?  Such a wonderfully innocent suggestion but it made me really think about holidays.  We put so much pressure on the holidays.  Thanks to the movies and shows we see we think that everything HAS to be perfect for the day.  We think that if we are not surrounded by our loving families that we must have failed in life.  What a load of poppycock!  So now I move the holidays around to suit my schedule.  My DS and his two girls live with me now but the girls are going to be with their other parent (who decided that she was a he) for Christmas.  I am starting to plan what the three of us (DH, DS and me) can do during the time that the girls are gone.  We are really enjoying planning!

So my advice to you is to plan something wonderful for yourself.  Every time your mind wanders back to that horrible thought about how awful you are being treated pull out your plans and think about how much fun you are going to have.  If you have read much here then you have probably seen my mantras but here is one of my favorites....

What you focus on expands

Focus on your own happiness for a change, let's expand that!

Hugs!
8
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Coping with holidays
Last post by Analiese - December 07, 2021, 06:27:43 PM
Merry Christmas to all you beautiful people..
Holidays always painful for me. Raising children and them showing no interest in their aging parents leaves us at a loss. Cant believe how cold and mean an adult child can be to parents who lived for them only to be thrown away like an old shoe. What goes around comes around...
9
My son and his first wife and the three grandchildren, we all had really good relationships
I even lived with them in VA,while he was in the Navy.
They divorced and he remarried. New DIL problem started the day of the wedding,  As with you the
Same thing happened not just to me, but his entire maternal family.
I was a single mom and his father was never involved. I was able to race him with he says and stuff with my parents one of my older sisters and her husband. So thankful for them being there during that time he turned out Great, excellent manners, never abusive never lost his temper.

First time I met her it was my birthday and you took me out to breakfast.
Unbeknownst to me she was tipsy, and kept telling me not to worry about my birthday at least I'm not 54. With my son constantly kicking her under the table, because LOL, I was 54, and no time did she say she was sorry or
Or even acknowledged for rudeness to me.
Then my Son asked me to co-sign on her ring which I did, also  I thought I was partially financing the wedding of her dreams,including the $1600 dress, both rings etc. My present to them was the honeymoon bridal suite at a Chatteau, as she requested

When they got into financial problems when he couldn't keep up with the $1600 child support,  which is a felon or Mortgage etc.

I volunteered to finance, them getting custody if they wanted, free and clear no repayment.


It turned out that the mother's live in boyfriend was on probation for strike 3 and endangering the welfare of a child involving alcohol and firearms

My  Grandkids were 6, 4 and 2. Now 18,16 & 14., just like you no happy calls, no pictures, no Thanksgiving no Christmases,
I tried Christmas once, I was waiting for them  in the doorway Santa hat, 2 bags etc.
They did a u-turn and drove off.

For the last 11 years I've continuously trying to reconcile and did  all the kids birthdays and Christmases with cards and money.(she had a son age 6 also)
Surprise DIL sent this text:
"You are not welcome in our home because of your actions and nobody else. You aren't invited or included in the kids' lives for those same reasons. It's not okay for you to wait outside our house or show up uninvited to our kids' private games. (they were public games my son told times and dates )
It's best to keep you out of our lives."
my son was unaware that she sent this text to me. He spoke with her about it and the stonewalling started and it ended up in the last 3 years that I wasn't even allowed to go to the bathroom in their house. Very strange indeed.
When the first grandchild was born within 3 months (2003) my mother had signed over the family home free and clear to my son and his newborn baby girl.
My granddaughter decided to move out at 17, he was furious. I tried to remind him he did the same thing. He would not speak to her from April to December 2020.
He literally forced her into signing the house 100% over to him. By refusing to speak to her till she did. My Mom's intentions was to keep the house in the family to maybe help him not have to pay him mortgage or someone else further down in the generations. All he wants to do is get out from under it and sell it. He could have given it to his daughter free and clear.

I was furious and my response was:
"💡How can 2 people that shunned their entire family,  never attended any holiday or family activities, for over 10 years. Can have any rights to the family property."
Wish he would be the son I raised and not this hateful imposter."
The research is completely accurate and estrangement causes:
chronic stress depletes your physical and mental resources, grinding you down on a day-to-day basis.
The effects of chronic stress are very serious; it lowers your resistance to other life problems, worsens your daily mood, and impairs your health.
For 11 years I've tried and good faith. For reconciliation.
Now I find myself in the twilight of my Life, and it has all been  "Wasted time"
10
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Son and DIL estrangement
Last post by Leeam41 - September 12, 2021, 11:20:47 AM
Thank you for your help.

Since my post I've sent a few gifts for the baby and the car was picked up by a tow truck while we were sleeping. I've still heard nothing from any of them.

He quit his job and is now working with her family just as I predicted. I think he's being manipulated and isolated by her. His last connection to our family was his biweekly fishing with his brother and that has stopped too.
He is now only involved with her and her circle of people who support her narrative.
I rented the apartment to his friend that has been close to our family since grade school. Through his social media he showed me posts from her themed with only wanting to be with her baby and husband 24/7 and how much she's disappointed in the friends that encourage them to hang out.
It's obvious what she's doing is coercive control.

I'm going to take your advice and focus on me and my family that is around me.
I'll continue to send cards and gifts.

Thank you for your time and response.
Hugs 
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