November 30, 2023, 10:22:16 AM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Marina

It may be that, at 27, your daughters don't have the maturity or life experience to appreciate the challenges you have been through.  If the topic comes up again, I would deflect talking about the past and instead have them focus on making the relationship better NOW.  It is easy for them to just complain and do nothing to improve the situation.  Have them suggest what they would like to do to draw you all closer.  As long as you let them know you love and care for them and that you do want a better relationship, I think that is all you can do. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 17, 2017, 10:38:46 AM
Gettingoldandcranky, if I remember your situation correctly, you do get to see DS/DIL and GC sometimes but only on their terms.  Perhaps you can just make the best of those visits, as I intend to do.  Use it as a time to build bridges especially with GC.   

I took a calculated risk by going to counseling with DS/DIL.  I was aware that a bad therapist can make a situation even worse.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 15, 2017, 01:01:12 PM
StillLearning, your saying, "Life...never exactly what you expected!" is a good reminder.  I have to admit that not getting my expectations in life has made me a stronger, more resilient person.  Adversity builds character, as they say (if it doesn't kill you!   :P  )

I appreciate the compassion shown here.  I know it comes from having worked through some very painful life events.  Hugs. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 14, 2017, 09:26:39 PM
Thanks for the support.  It means a lot to me.  Hugs back!

Now, one day at a time... 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 13, 2017, 10:49:02 PM
I gave up on working anything out with DIL once she told blatant lies about me in my presence.  She has used GC as a pawn and I expect that will continue to the extent DS will allow it.  It's a daunting situation, but I'm trying to stay positive and busy.  It will be nice to be able to see GC again.   :) 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 13, 2017, 01:51:40 PM
Very true, Luise, thanks.  One assurance I have gained through this ordeal is that DS values a relationship with me, which is priceless. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 13, 2017, 11:21:01 AM
Here is an update.

My visit with my DS was bittersweet, with so many mixed emotions on reconnecting after our estrangement.  At first, not fully trusting each other because we were both hurt by the cut-off.  By the end of the visit, we were doing better.  It helped to be validated by DS; he also felt the therapist was out of line the way she treated me at the end.  DS even acknowledged that DIL lies; he made some strange sense out of this, which showed me he is pretty mired in denial.  From stories about GC, I could tell he is a conscientious father. 

I have now been placed on a schedule for visitation, actually the same as pre-estrangement.  Although I feel I should be grateful, I feel resentful at being held at arm's length again, being granted a concession to see family under strict terms.  Of course, DIL's family is not restricted in this way.  It makes me angry.  If all goes as planned, I estimate I will be able to see DS and GC with DIL (ugh) a total of 18 hours during the coming year.  Yay ungrateful me. 

I realize (and hope) things may change and improve in the future for my relationship with DS and GC, but right now it's a letdown, sort of anticlimactic after all the anguish of the past year.  I will need to make peace with this arrangement, as well as continue to work on making my own life worth living regardless.  This stuff ain't easy. 
I'm so happy for you!  Thank you for the update.  It sounds like DIL was interested in resolving some issues so you were able to have success.  Please be very careful so as not to appear that you are ganging up on her or she may become defensive and shut down.  I think you will need to be very patient and understanding with DIL as you slowly build trust and hopefully love between you in the years ahead. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 02, 2017, 12:06:05 PM
I'm still processing what happened during that last counseling session with DIL/DS and why I felt so awful.  As DIL spoke, I became progressively overwhelmed by all of DIL's grievances, contradictions, and emotion that I really wasn't able to respond coherently after a while.  Similar to what Stilllearning described.  A good therapist would have facilitated better and there would have been a follow-up appointment(s) to work on issues constructively.  That did not happen.  Nor do I ever want to see that therapist's face again.   

DIL had no true desire to work out issues, just to prove me wrong.  I knew this so my efforts went into defending myself.

I can imagine this is how DIL argues at home with DS.  I have more sympathy for DS now because I realize he probably wouldn't know up from down when the talk with DIL is over.                 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
August 01, 2017, 09:31:03 AM
As I mentioned in another thread, the counseling sessions felt like a hostage negotiation.  I felt duped by both DIL and therapist, and I wondered how much of the false narrative my DS believed about me.  It's hard to hear someone slander your character! 

While at a low point, I got news I will be seeing DS soon!!!  I want to focus on the positive now and forget the ugliness of what I went through to get here. 
Thank you for the support.  It is much appreciated!  I was scraping bottom. 

As my nerves calm down, I am getting better perspective on the situation.  The therapist humiliated me at the end and that was hard.  She was biased; I'm guessing DIL had talked to her beforehand because the therapist was making assumptions about me not based on our meetings. 

Something else I'm realizing is that if DIL had not been so emotionally overwrought in describing what I allegedly did to reject her that one time, we could have discussed it and her story would have unraveled.  A good therapist would have facilitated that discussion.  What it boils down to was DIL was grieviously injured over what an impartial person would question was a misunderstanding on her part.  All the drama covered up the facts.

What would have been constructive in counseling with both DS and DIL is dealing with all the rules and double standards imposed by DIL regarding seeing her family versus seeing DS' family.  We barely touched on this, but the result was DS is now permitted to see me without DIL.  Yay.  (Not that I expect much contact, but we can build a healthier relationship this way.)

Considering all the lying and history revision I witnessed from DIL during these sessions, it is no wonder my DS is confused.  His recollection of our times together with DIL was fuzzy, and he didn't seem able to have a separate opinion apart from DIL.  It is very sad.   

Bamboo2, you have read my heart when you say I did it out of love.  Thanks again.   :-*
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Bad Counseling
July 30, 2017, 01:13:11 PM
When I started counseling recently in order to reconcile with my DS after estrangement, I knew it was not going to be easy because DIL would be present and her agenda is to keep us apart.  With the opportunity to talk, DS and I have been able to clear up some misunderstandings between us.  That was very good.   

For the final counseling session, DIL gave quite a performance, being very teary and hurt by the way I had rejected her during the only time we ever met alone (no witnesses).  My heart did not melt for her as she told her sad story because I knew she was lying about what happened.  It didn't matter how many endless times in the past I had reached out to her for a relationship or to discuss problems (these were labeled as "demands" that I was making--can't win!), she sounded victimized over this one made-up incident.  I responded I had reached out to her afterward to discuss it with her and she refused to do it.  More tears and outraged hurt, enough to convince the therapist I was a cold you-know-what for not acknowledging DIL's deep hurt.  It was awful to end this way, and DIL staged it purposely.

I went into counseling with DS/DIL with my eyes open, but I feel traumatized again by this abusive behavior.  Of course, it was made worse when the therapist invalidated me and my feelings.  I didn't have the choice of a therapist and early on I could tell she was labeling me as difficult.  After this, I need to spend time building myself up emotionally again.  I may have regained some kind of relationship with DS, but it was at a cost.  I don't expect to see GC again for quite a while because this will be DIL's punishment for my standing up for myself.  I did a lot of grieving this past year and I know I won't break over this.  It just hurts a lot right now. 

It has helped to write this out, but I could also use some words of support.   :( 
K, I myself would feel overwhelmed with having ANY guests staying at my house when coming home with a new baby.  We obviously have different temperaments.  You seem to have a well thought out plan to make it work for you.  If you get any push-back regarding it, you can nicely restate that this is how you need to do it.  You are giving the in-laws a choice, and it sounds very fair to say that it is your parents' turn this time to stay that first week with you. 
Thank you, Bamboo2 and StillLearning, for taking on the job.  (Pen and Luise, too!)  I appreciate the safety and support of this monitored website as we share some very difficult times in our lives. 
Grab Bag / Re: Software Clitch
July 26, 2017, 02:55:32 PM
Something else that Webmaster Kirk may want to check out:

I noticed very similar profile descriptions for new members who signed up at the end of June (the 29th?).  Maybe it means nothing, but it just seemed odd to me.