March 03, 2024, 05:08:15 PM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - PatiencePlease

Sending you hugs Marina. Please know  I still have my moments but I am determined not to host another personal pity party for myself which is so easy for me to do.

Your son continues to stay in touch.  Hold on to that and don't give up. Who knows what the future holds?

Thank you for sharing your story.
The wise women of this forum have helped me time and time again over the years. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!  

My adult children (one son, one daughter) have families of their own.  Geographically, we live far away from each other.  I had hoped that H and I would still continue to be a constant figure in the lives of our kids and grandchildren.  But reality set in.... we live too far apart for that to happen.  I don't like it, but I understand it.  

I hardly ever hear from my son; I know there's marital problems; I know it's better I don't hear the heart wrenching details.  I asked my daughter if we could plan a visit to see her family.  Her response was that they've got too many things going on, suggesting we visit in the fall. Ouch.

As I struggle with this, I am around others who have frequent contact with their adult children.  If they live near their adult children,  they share in the day-to-day and are entwined in the details.  Others live apart from their adult children, but share the day-to-day details via daily phone calls and face time, etc.  

I could mourn the relationship I don't share with my adult children, or... I could accept what is and celebrate  their independence (that was the goal I hoped for as their parent).  I choose the latter.

Thank you so much for your thought filled words. Every time I find myself worrying, I'm coming back here to reread your post.

Yes, these are unsettling times for so many reasons. I'm happy you were able to spend time with your grandchildren. Cherish every memory.
We are fortunate that there is technology available to us for virtual visits when we can't be together. 

Thank you again for your wise words.
Called my son today about a visit. Said he's been working lots of overtime, including this weekend. Said he would talk to his wife about us visiting. (We stay in a hotel, by the way.)

Anyhow... he texted later that it's not a good time.  Things are too hectic.  But the grandkids miss us a lot and he would set up a FaceTime next weekend. I told him please do - it's the only connection we have with them.

Not much else I can do. He's choosing not to share - my gut says something else is going on. I won't pry - I'll just keep praying.

Thank you StillLearning for your thoughts & support.
Thank you so much for sharing your advice Stilllearning! I reached out to both of them this week via text to think about planning a visit either here or there during the school fall school break. DIL reacted with a heart emoji. My son didn't respond 🙄. 

I will not mention the FB post when I communicate going further. I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone. Thank you for sharing your perspective on that.

Praying while I wait to see how this unfolds.
My son and his family live far away.  I do stay in touch with them but not on a weekly or even monthly basis sometimes.  My son has said they are going through stressful times with his work, with the kids and with his MIL living with them - she has plans to move out because she's butting heads with her daughter, my DIL.

I have a strong feeling my son and his wife are having marital issues based on my DILs recent activities on FB.  Her latest post was an image stating "One day this pain will make sense to you."  I recognize I could be overreacting ... but I just have this gut feeling things are not good.

(A) Do you think it would be okay for me to reach out to her with a text and say "Hey.  I saw your post on FB.  Just want you to know I love you."

(B) Do you think it would be okay for me to reach out to my son with a text and say "Hey.  I see on FB DIL is going through a tough time.  Hope all is well.  Did you want to talk about it?"

Or should I stay out of it altogether and just pray mightily.  Your wise words are appreciated.
Grab Bag / Re: 91st Birthday
March 12, 2018, 05:22:30 PM
You have made my world a much better (and healthier) place. Please accept my birthday hugs too!! 

Thank you for generously sharing your experiences and wisdom.  You have been and continue to be an inspiration. xo
Hi Monroe!  I agree that texts should not define the relationships we share with our kids.  Texts present words in print - that's it.  Sometimes those words are misinterpreted because we are not listening to them.  There's no sharing of thoughts - no true expressions.  The relationship needs to be fleshed out with conversation.  However, I do have to admit that there are times when texts are convenient... sometimes I just dash off a quick text to let them know I'm thinking of them.
Here are my thoughts on this:

You can make the decision to feel hurt but you risk alienating yourself from your family member or friend.  Do you really want to do that because someone didn't meet your expectations?

My kids do call me, but they often text me.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm happy I hear from them.   

I have family members and friends who last year expressed condolences to me re: the loss of my parents via Facebook, email, or a text message and that was it.  Although I would NEVER choose to send condolences in any of those examples (because I do agree it is impersonal), I choose to be grateful they reached out to me.

There is a difference with my kids' generation.  (30ish)  An example from a few years ago:

After my daughter was dating her now husband for several months, she was coming to visit us for the weekend and he was coming to meet us for the first time.  Of course, my first concern was feeding him (lol) so I asked her if he liked pot roast.  She didn't know whether he did or not so she offered to call him and then call me back.   After 15 minutes she called me back and said "Wow, that was weird!"   She then explained it was the VERY FIRST TIME she spoke to him on the telephone!!  I asked her how could that be? Don't they communicate each day?  She responded:  "Yes.  We text." 

I am from the generation of phone calls and writing letters (remember those?)  I still dash off note cards in the mail to friends and family to let them know how good it was to see them, or just that I'm thinking about them, etc.   I recognize I'm in the minority these days by doing that and I don't care.  I'm going to keep doing it because I like to do it.   

I don't think many people understand what a difference it makes to truly put forth an effort when communicating with someone else.  We are a world shaped by social media now; we've lost that personal connection.
Grab Bag / Re: Hosting Large Holiday Meals
April 09, 2017, 06:10:09 PM
I agree with Luise -- it's a custom that is falling by the wayside. I loved hosting large holiday meals over the years.  It was usually my husband's family because all my family lived out of state.  My parents would come and stay with us now and then to share these times.

When we downsized I stopped doing it. I simply didn't have the space to accommodate all those people anymore.  My kids moved out of state.  No one else from the family stepped up to the plate to take over hosting the holidays.

So now my husband and I do our own thing.  We attend church and eat dinner at home.  Sometimes we will watch old family videos -- we find them entertaining and they remind us of how lucky we were to share all those family times together over the years (especially since so many of those who sat at our table are no longer with us).

It took me awhile to get used to this "new normal," of quiet holidays but it's really not so bad.  It's been five years since I stopped hosting and I do appreciate not knocking myself out with all the cooking and everything else that comes with being a holiday host.   It's all good.

Jdtm, you will figure out what works for you now.  The holiday canvas is blank.  Paint it any way you like.
Thank you Bamboo.  Words like yours help me heal.   :)
Thank you Pen for proposing that we "future gift" ourselves.  What a great idea!  Over the years I learned I can't take care of anyone else until  I take care of myself first. 

Peace to all. xo
Thank YOU for your continued support. xo
Grab Bag / Re: And then there's that one toxic sibling...
December 30, 2016, 05:27:36 PM
On a sad note, my dad passed away this fall.  No surprise.  I really do believe he died of a broken heart.  I'm happy he and my mom are back together again.

On a happy note, I'm proud to say that I faced toxic sister once again and I remained detached.  I waltzed through the few days going through my parents' belongings with toxic sister leading (and taking).  I was cool with it, because in all honesty, I remember telling both my mom and dad it wasn't about the stuff, it was about all the moments I was able to share with them.  No "thing" can ever replace those memories...  My other sister was okay with what toxic sister did too about taking stuff.  Both of us realized it really didn't matter.  Interestingly, toxic sister left behind old family photos and records.  And I will also go on record that I scanned all those documents and photos and gave copies to the family including toxic sister.  Because that's who I am.  :)

Going forward I know there will no longer be any communication with toxic sister.  Do I still feel sad that I have this situation with her?  Absolutely.   But I can't change her.  That reality "clicked" with me this year and that has made all the difference in how I deal with it. 

Just wanted to share hoping this might help someone else. xo
Grab Bag / Re: Thank you!
December 30, 2016, 05:06:25 PM
Ditto all the above!!  You are all such amazingly wise women.  You all have been a gift to me.  I am SO grateful.  Just wish I could visit here more than I am able to. xo