November 30, 2023, 10:21:01 AM


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - forever spring

Hello I haven't been here in a while but the first post I read reflected my experience during the past 10 years when I tried to fall over backwards to adhere to the picture of a loving grandmother I had fashioned for myself. I must have made life difficult not only for myself but for the family as well because I was constantly disappointed.

I had to go through all you say Louise. I can safely say that I got out to the other end and I am a lot happier now because I allow myself to be kinder to myself because I have thrown all expectations over board.
I realised that, as you say, nobody is responsible for the fulfilment of my expectations and that whatever happens in my son's life is none of my business. It took me the best part of ten years and many painful moments but I get it now. Do I wish I had got it earlier? Not sure because the whole process belongs to my personal development. 

I wish you well, Daphne. There is a world out there beyond being a grandmother. And who knows the ability to explore new ventures may make you interesting to your grandson when he is older.
Thinking of you.
I agree with PatiencePlease, sitting back and doing nothing is often the best one can give. It is also the hardest thing to do for oneself. We are so used to look after our small children and try and make things right for them when they are small - alas they are not children any more, we have to rethink our role as parents. I feel for you Victoria. It must have been such a shock to be so treated after the harmonious time.  As some of us said, it may be a chemical imbalance which led to such a sudden mood swing.
Thank you so much for your replies. I knew I would find a sympathetic ear in the WWU community.
The general consensus seems to be that I should ignore DH and DS and do what my heart tells me. I'm my own person and DH respects what I do.
I have been unable to do anything myself so far because I thought if DS can't see his own children, then it's not my place to see them in the house of XDIL as they would be even more alienated from their DF.
In the past I have written kind, sympathetic emails to XDIL which were immediately forwarded to DS to let him know that even his parents are against him. I once gave her the reference for a book entitled: How to help children cope with your divorce'. She accused me of mental cruelty. (She may have been right, as it wasn't my place to do this, I know now.)
That's why I'm so cautious and quite frankly afraid that I may do more harm  than good by establishing a relationship with XDIL at this point in time.
DS can see the children on a regular basis now and we can see them with DS. I don't think this is a good situation for the GC because they must feel the rift between the two people they love most - their parents. The children are so young that they won't understand and I'm worried what this will do to their souls and their future behavior may be affected by this.
On a positive note, they are loved by both their parents and both set of GPs, that's for sure. There will always be people who care for them.
Maybe it is not a good time to re-establish contact with my XDIL now, but if I don't do it now, I may have lost the opportunity for ever. I'm so torn.
I lost my mother when I was 9, so I know what it is like to grow up in circumstances far from normal - I so wanted my children to have a normal life and I thought that because me and DH stayed together, they would have good role models and do the same, but alas, that has not happened, at least with one son. It is bad to know that the other family hates my DS and that he has so disappointed them.
I guess I have to go through this dark time and wait for the moment when I know that it is right to make contact with XDIL again and do so for better or for worse. I feel, however, that this moment has not come yet and at the same time I fear that I may lose or have even already lost the opportunity.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my post. I really do appreciate it very much indeed.
I haven't been here for a while but feel I could do with the wise women listening to my dilemma.
DS left small family in November 2011 (situation described in earlier posts). Since then his ex-wife has not allowed him to see the children on a regular basis. We have only seen the GC three times since then.
However, DH and me get emails from ex-wife and her parents on a more or less regular basis to ask us to see GC and have a relationship with them. The other grandfather send an email to DH to plead for understanding his daughter and her motivation for not letting my DS see the children. Emails from this family are always full of abuse against DS.  DH is adamant that we can't do anything as long as our DS is unable to see his children and I agree.
DH and I have decided not to respond to either ex-DIL or her parents until some sort of visiting right habe been established between DS and his children (our GK). This has now happened as DS went to court and can have the children one day a week and every other Sunday.
I have an extremely bad conscience for having cut all the ties with the other GP and my ex-DIL. I got on well with the fellow GPs when DS was still there.
I'm the kind of person who wants to be friends with everybody and not having responded to emails makes me feel almost sick. I think about it all the time. On the other hand I know if I got in touch with ex-DIL and her parents, I'd risk to alienate DH and DS. It's really painful because I'm also thinking of the children who are between two camps. I so want to go to the house of their mummy and spend time with them there but feel my hands are tied. (Mind you, I did have a very volatile relationship with exDIL when she was still DIL but now I'm so sorry for the pain she has to suffer because of what DS did to her. I also have a feeling that she has changed and we could forge some sort of relationship but I'm not sure).
Thanks for listening dear WWU community.
All I want to say is that this forum has helped me a great deal in difficult times. Thank you, everybody for keeping it alive.
Isn't it better to light a candle than to curse the darkness?
Grab Bag / Happy Birthday Luise
March 09, 2013, 01:38:34 AM
If I remember rightly today 9. 3. is your birthday. Many happy returns of the day, Luise.
You have created a forum which has been very helpful for me in the past. Thank you very much for this - also to your son Kirk who looks after this site so well. I wish you many more years of success.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Cyber Baby Shower
November 04, 2012, 12:13:29 AM
Elise, that's just wonderful. Celebration is the core of life. Trust you had lots of fun. Congratulations for becoming a grandmother for the first time!  :)
  Hello again everybody, I haven't posted here for a while - things were just a bit too sad even to share with kind ears.

When I saw this thread I thought, what a wonderful community - and Luise still there with words of wisdom and kindness. Great!  :D

I'm lucky because I  have eyes to appreciate the wonders of nature, great and small!
Great news NewMama! Be the more generous person. If you can do that it's wonderful. Your suggestions helped me greatly with regards the the problems I mentioned in a different thread. Thanks for that as well. It shows your strength of character if you can engage with other people's issues and comment on those.
May your relationship with your MIL blossom in the future. This is my true wish! Happy birthday to your little one!
Anybody wants my twopence worth? I think we are only at the beginning of a long progress towards true humanity. And it often seems we are going two steps forward, one step back. It needs much more time to eliminate all the ills of people living together, and sometimes it feels as if we will never improve as a species. When we look back at history the mistakes we make have been made over and over again by other cultures.
Look at German history, how the country tried to recover from 12 years of madness and made an attempt to exonerate herself as a true democracy (with the help of the big friend USA in the case of West Germany). This was in my view only possible because of past efforts by German artists, philosophers and writers who had created a sound basis for the Humanism  which people could adopt again. (Those books were burnt by the Nazis in 1938). It shows how humanistic thoughts and belief in a higher power does prevail. Nowadays the united Germany is not perfect by all means but it's trying hard and has enough well educated young people who may make the difference in the future.
So what I'm actually saying is that in the face of adversity we need to keep up hope in the future and celebrate the small steps forward and not get hung up on those in the wrong direction. The world will never be perfect and whole but if it's alright for most people, we can rejoice. Neither we nor our children, maybe not even out GC will experience this. We have made such immense process in technology, the human progress is sadly lagging behind.
I don't like FB either and left it a few months ago, I thought I might miss it, but haven't. Now I know that people want to contact me personally and it works well. I haven't lost anybody by not being on FB any more.
Whoops, long message.

She's just not that into you is so true. We have chemistry with some people and not with others. It becomes tragic in a way if the chemistry with our 'nearest and dearest' doesn't work and what do we do then? Well, I suppose if there was a hard and fast answer to this, WWU wouldn't have to be here. Glad it is though.  :)
I'm sorry to hear that you saw your GD in a photo only and had to do a search to find them. Unbelievable. The circumstances are just awful to think about. Lock those doors, some things are beyond redemption.
Karma will work its mysterious way and the cruelty will bounce back on them.
You can't imagine how helpful all of this is for me. To take time to give such important advice to a stranger in cyberspace, but maybe I'm wrong we don't feel like strangers here any more - there is a glue that keeps us together. How wonderful. This is the strength of WWU.
I am weaving a carpet for DS and new GF and will give it to them when we meet in 3 weeks' time. Is that good?
Will make little books for the GC to give to when I see them.
Still have to write an answer to xDIL's email. It's hard to find the right words without getting too involved.
Thanks again for listening. At this time this forum is a balm. Yes I do appreciate your advice as it is given with wisdom and care.
Constanza, my thoughts are with you also. I love to see your painting, being creative helps us to lose ourselves in times of pain and strife.

Ruth, thanks for your thoughtful and enriching contribution.