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I spent a couple days with DSS and DS with my DH and his DS.  We put on a ham dinner and then a turkey dinner.  I emailed ahead of time and said you don't have to get us gifts -- so only one DS did give us gifts.  He said we always say that -- and he is the one with no career and lives paycheck to paycheck. I learned something about myself from him, and that is, after putting on the dinners, wrapping presents for everyone and driving over to make a family get together for us, making huge effort to get us all together, I find I really do want to have an outward sign, like a gift, that says *Thank you*.  The gift of time with family spending it with us is priceless and that is first and foremost what I want.  It just does not mean that I am *slave* to the holidays if we don't take everyone out to meals...and pick up the tabs.  I have to get over feeling awkward about saying everyone pays their way when we eat out.  And that I want a gift exchange at the holidays - and maybe put a $10 or less cap.  We only have sons and there is so much work with big meals for all of us.  Only one is married, and she is the princess.  I am strong, though, as I know how to put on big meals.  I did our big holiday meals when we were younger, and the kids were younger then too.  It is a lot of work just because there are so many of us, but I also organized the meals differently so that sons were helping set the table, clear the table, clean the dishes etc.  It is a alot more work now that they are adults...go figure!  My DH said he was surprised no one helped, other than to serve themselves.  He would like to make it easier on us, and I don't know how to do that really.  So I have to remove my "Kick me" sign that I must have put on my back.  I am going to learn to communicate better what I want and get over the idea that it is not polite to ask for what you want.  I also am seeing that I have created a lot of my own misery here because of how I am and that's pretty hard for me to realize.  I feel a little bit like I am kicking myself now, so I will stop.   

Gee, I am finding I might not be able to have a holiday dinner with all of our sons.  One son says he wants to bring a close friend...unexpectedly.  Not dating anyone special, just wants to bring someone.   Another son says he is dogsitting and wants to bring the dog -- No he insists he is bringing the dog or he won't come.  I said sorry you feel that way -- would you rather us come over to your apartment?  He thinks I am weird about dogs.  So what?  So I am weird about not wanting a dog over...no big deal.  To the close friend, well, we just found out today and we leave tomorrow.  We were just there last month celebrating Thanksgiving with son and he did not say anything about bringing someone.  OMG, can you believe this means we might not see the one son who insists on bringing a dog?  I think the solution is, if you want a dog or friends over, we can get together for dinner and open presents, then everybody go your own way.  Totally not fun to me.  Am I being weird?
 

Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with FB?  I don't have a long story to share for background on this, other than saying FB shows DIL posts photos of her family, positive remarks about their visits. photos of GC with her family, and I don't see any with me?  I think I am not getting my fair share.  I visit too, after all, and the GC have fun with me -- but not one photo-How can that be?  Like my life didn't matter?  I know I am reading into it, and I will gracefully say that I hate when I whine.  I have decided that I will not get involved with DIL FB other than thumbs up - no comments, except to say how sweet the GC look.  I don't get thank yous for presents to DIL except on FB and that sux too I think -- so I am done.  Next year DIL bdays are going to be a cards-only.  Or some high-calorie sweet - sorry, couldn't help myself there.  Just wanted to get that off my chest and hope someone understands how I feel.   

I have one more thing in my *caw*.  I was told when we visited DS/DIL and GC that they could not take a vacation in December because of work.  they live on the East Coast.  Yesterday they tell me they will be taking a vacation at Christmas to see DIL's family in CA.  Since we are in WA they are inviting us to meet up with them in CA.  But because we have four bachelor sons here we will spend Christmas with them.  Maybe we will go to CA to see them too.  Here's the thing in my *caw* -- I am mad!  I realize sons grow up and take a wife who becomes their #1 priority.  OK so far.  Then DIL has her family as #1 priority.  Great!  When do I get time?  I really have this issue of feeling unimportant from when I was the not favored child.  I hate it!  I really think I am in an angry place right now.  I don't like getting old.  I don't like being a MIL.  I don't like not having a full time job.  I just don't like my life!  I do not really want to blame anybody, but it seems lately that I have been feeling really not important.  My DH and I are close and I share my feelings with him.   I feel understood, and I don't feel wrong or not normal. I just feel resentful.  Is there such a thing as midlife crisis at 60?  I turn 60 next year and maybe I am having a melt down that will pass soon.  Just feel crappy.  I also feel manipulated that maybe it was a lie about DS/DIL not being able to get time off so that I felt pressured to visit them over the holidays.  Just crappy to think that way, and cannot seem to shake it.  Do I tell them that I question whether they lied all along about not being able to get time off? 

I personally have a dilemma for this Thanksgiving and would appreciate your ideas.  Am I being a #1 beachhead?  Should I just fix the dinner and enjoy doing that if I want, or don't fix the dinner and be willing to help where I am needed?  We will visit DS/DIL and 2 GC like we did in the summer - staying at a B&B around the corner from them for a couple nights, and then we will watch GC for 2 nights so DS and DIL can have a get away; and then we will stay a couple more nights at the B&B after they get back.  They live in a 3bdm apartment and offered us the living room pull out.  There is no privacy and no way to avoid being woken up by the GC.  So we choose to stay at the B&B.  (BTW I suggested they take 4 nights get- away but they are not *ready* to go that long. Yes, these are the same family members i wrote about before who demanded they would not visit us unless we would watch the GC for a week so they could have a vacation.  A little bit unpredictable.  But that's fine, vacations away from your own kids sound good, but they are not that easy to do when the kids are young.  You have to be willing to *let go*.)  Well, here is the thing.  They will be back sometime Wed and another DS flies in that day for our family Thanksgiving together.  I asked DS what they plan to do for Thanksgiving dinner.  DS said since we are getting the family together he wanted to have a turkey dinner.  I suggested they make it easy on themselves for Thanksgiving and pick up the complete dinner from Safeway or someplace.  DS got huffy and said if I don't want to help with fixing dinner that's fine.  I said he is jumping to conclusions and I would be happy to help with salad and dessert.  My prediction is that DS and DIL will be asking me to do this or that and I will not be able to refuse.  I have to be a good guest after all.  But if I am not cooking the whole meal, I would rather not do anything.  I am happy to fix a salad and dessert, set the table, clear the table. I don't want to do the dishes - I have done my share thanks.  What is the matter with me in my old age?  Am I acting like the Queen Bee and have to have things my way now?  I am sorry that I have conflicting feelings like this and actually feel guilty and a bit embarrassed that I feel this way.  I understand how I feel and why I feel this way because there is history here between us.  History has it, that DIL does not prepare any meal for us whenever we visit.  She has her reasons too (being pregnant, being from another country, breastfeeding, having two little ones, not expected to entertain her DH family, a lot of hogwash IMO)  and now I have my reasons for not wanting to cook.  Nice power struggle I think I have got myself into and I want it to stop, and I cannot seem to get myself over the hump and let it go.  How do I get out of fixing dinner -- I thought buying it at Safeway was a good idea.  I really do want to  cook because I do not want to get so involved with the meal that I end up doing more than my fair share?  I would like to sit back with the GC, read, color with them, watch TV, go out for a walk anything other than pull the dinner together.  I don't want to fix it because I think I am allowing DS/DIL to think it is okay to not fix a meal for us.  By not fixing meals for us, we eat out more and that $$$$.  And we have gone the route of take-out (and we still $$$$) plus there is no settling down at the table together like a family.  No sit down meals in the past.  The 2 and 4 year olds get fed separately by one parent, while the other parent eats, and then they switch.  And then they tell us we can eat.  It is very awkward.  So DH and I plan now to eat meals out just the 2 of us when we visit - we don't feel hurt by no one fixing us a meal that way.  We eat out and do not spend too much.  We agreed to take the whole family out to eat for one big special dinner and that is what we did last visit.  Nothing has really changed since the last time we visited this summer, from our point of view.  Usually when we are with family I fix the Thanksgiving dinners and have plenty of help - and I have no complaints.   But this time, I have conflicting feelings.  DIL does not ever cook a meal for us...and that gets stuck in my *caw*.   God being a MIL is not a fun role at all.     

Since I expect to spend Thanksgiving at my DS/DILs - and that brings some angst as DIL does not *entertain* *cook* *hostess* you name it,
when we visit, I have angst about being expected to prepare Thanksgiving dinner.  I drew the line in the sand and told DS to make it easy on
themselves and buy Safeway T-day dinner - which he objected and confronted me as not wanting to help with dinner.  HAHAHA!  I certainly
touched on a sore spot between us that time.  So I offered to help with salad/dessert.  Nevertheless, I have second thoughts.   And the solution
I have come up with is how to get me to focus on myself and not so much on DS/DIL and whether they approve of me.  I APPROVE OF ME! 
This is how I Will Get My Groove Back:  Since I am nearly 60 years on this earth, I think I have something to say worth hearing.  So, what
I have decided to make are WOW scrapbooks of my life...I realize I am 10 years re-married (15 years divorced), 37 years a mother (and counting),
9 years a MIL, 4 years a GP, (10 yrs stepparent) + a lifetime of being ME.  Each scrapbook I will give a theme - marriage, parenting, learning,
grandparenting and I will personalize each of them.  These are all about ME, I will be celebrating my life's journey.  No one has lived in my shoes
to know everything about me.  And there is no way to dispute my perspective...it is mine, take it or leave it.  I hope each one of us finds that
joy and strength in sharing our lives - the tears, blood, sweat and memories of it all.  No one can take that away from me - this is my life.  If my
presence is not requested or wished for in any specific moment, I certainly will find better places to spend my time.  I WILL THRIVE - and enjoy
my life as much as I can.  (And if that means I change my mind and cook Thanksgiving dinner for my DS/DIL - then so be it.  But it will be
because it brings me joy to do so - not because I am needing to make points with them.)  And I guess having said that, I will publish little photo
books for each family member of priceless moments I cherish -- and that will be my Gift to family this year.  It will cost me much in time, and
I will enjoy every moment (hopefully).  Anyways, I just needed to say that I really do have angst about holidays - feelings of rejection are not
strong enough to break me though.  And I will refocus on what makes me happy and get on with it.  Cheers!

I moped around yesterday because a couple days ago I got a big hit emotionally from my Dad's email (the never ending saga of not being the favorite daughter) and I let him get to me.  I started feeling pretty unimportant (and jealous of my sister) and mad.  Why do I still want my Dad's approval? It is really like beating my head against a wall.  I figure I have this basic insecure feeling to work on all my life.  What will I do?  I am going to see the GK this Friday and I am carrying around this baggage of not feeling good enough when what I want is to be strong for them, build their self-esteem and love them up.  It gets pretty freaking boring to be focused on ME ME ME all the time.  Maybe that is what happens, as a consequence of not having your parents' attention - you feel like you need a lot of attention to make you feel important?  I know the answer is inside me - to give myself the attention I need so I can give attention to my GK.  So today, what I will do next, is focus my attention on doing something good for myself, build up my own self-esteem and get ready for this trip.  Gag!  Do we ever grow up and not need others' approval?

Hi, I want to share an insight I have received recently that is helping me a lot and may help someone here too.  It is that in order for me to have serenity, I have found that by making an effort to change how I am in a relationship gives me peace.  Not to be too deep, it is just that I recently found that I can change my longstanding perceptions and history of having "problems in my relationships" with my sons, my sister, and my Dad.  Here is how I did it.  First, I acknowledged to myself, and my husband and girlfriends, that things stink, really stink, and I cry, get mad and they listen to me.  I received recognition for and validation of my feelings that these indeed are challenging relationships.   Second, I began "to act" as if I am not upset any longer with these relationships.  I vocalized some pleasantries about these relationships and started to feel something different.   Third, I took an action that indicated I was believing that these relationships were improving and I was at peace with that.   Kinda nice feelings came from disengaging from always wanting them to be better.   Finally, I feel open to getting close to them and feel compassion for them too.  To prove the point, I emailed my sister, I gave her my cell and invited her to call and talk.  (No response yet).  I emailed her again, asked for her cell and said I love her and let me know when she has time to talk, as I would like to be close to my sister (No response yet.)  (Notice *yet*).  A week has gone by...but who's counting?    I listened more to my sons when they talked to me -- and Surprise,    now I feel a lot closer to them.  Is that weird?  I ignored a recent nasty email from my Dad to my sister that he sent as a cc to me.  My poor sister!  She has had breast cancer and treatment.  She didn't deserve this email (it has been a LONG time since I felt anything but hurt and anger, feeling rejected by my sister).  My poor Dad! He is so old now, and losing it.  Again I usually feel hurt and anger and rejection from him.  Instead I called my Dad and left a message, that I love him, and I hope he is doing well and I will check in again at a more convenient time for him to talk (He screens his calls).  It is just that I am not feeling the self-blame, shame, guilt, and pain, that I have for years - always feeling I DID something to deserve rejection like I needed to do something right, God knows what, to help make these relationships better.   Now, I am feeling more love for myself, acceptable of me as a good person, and I stopped blaming myself.  I just thought about my sister and Dad as well as my sons in a different way.  They are the ones having a hard time and I am a witness to it, not the cause, not the cure.  I will just have to wait and see but truly I believe now that Everything Grows with Love.  Peace.

Hi everyone, I am new today and wanted to introduce myself.  I am nearly 60, one of six sons married and that now I have 2 GK.  I am living on the west coast and my son and his family moved to the east coast recently.  I have enjoyed my sons and worked through most all issues.  There is this new role, grandmother, that I struggle with as my own grandparents died by the time I was 9 and didn't see them often because of distance.  Learning to be a grandmother is a role I am creating.  My issue for discussion and support, is that my son and his wife expect when I come visit that I help out.  Of course, I have been helping out.  What I don't like is feeling I have to help out.  What that looks like is hearing that I should get up when the GK get up and help watch them...also along with visiting I am expected to cook meals.  Don't get me wrong, that is exactly what I have been doing when the GK were newborns, toddlers.  They are now 2 and 4.  My question is:  What do you think are realistic expectations for grandparents to do when they visit?  We have definitely got water under the bridge on this one.  I am staying in a motel next time I visit to avoid the pressure to get up when the GK do.  I plan to take them out to eat once or twice, babysit once or twice, maybe cook a meal or two, but leave when it is apparent there is not going to be any meal prepared that includes me and go get a bite to eat.  I don't like to feel the pressure, and seems that DIL is always angry, moody, and everybody jumps to attention when she wants something done.  I probably didn't say that accurately, just a feeling I have.  THANKS!  GLAD YOU ARE HERE TO HELP!  Smiles