March 28, 2024, 03:49:42 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Freya

1
Thanks for your input gettingoldandcranky.  It sounds very passive-aggressive to not know your husband's name ?    ???

I have a theory that women born in the 60s/70s are struggling with how to live in the world.  Their lives are nothing like their mothers, and perhaps they even reject their mothers/MILs ?  They have more opportunities than we Baby Boomers ever had yet seem confused with it.   Feminism has given them a freedom they have possibly not known how to use when one was brought up by a woman of another time?  They are expected to be nice in one area and then assertive in another ?   This seems to be blurred into a lot of passive aggressive stuff...wanting to be liked but not feeling worthy perhaps?

Lots of questions for me.  But I do know that as mothers we brought our children up for the culture we lived in with them only for them to find they have to negotiate another.  Just as we had to make changes from our Depression era parents - though I suspect it wasn't quite a leap as these 40 somethings had to make.   Or did they miss out on learning any life skills altogether with their own (often dysfunctional) families

What seems missing is a value system that assures them of their identity ? 

What do you Wise Women on here think ?
2
Hi All,
Turns out the DIL has an anxiety disorder/ocd disorder as magnified by the possessiveness, according to advice received from a professional I sought to cope with this problem.  In the possessive disorder the person with a problem seeks to sideline, demonise and ostracise her "competition".  I am advised to stay away, as I would anyway, and keep all interactions short.

And following this dreadful few days, my son rang me to advise he is doing all he can and accepts my humble apologies.   
He finished his call with "I love you ". 
A terrible load for him which he bears for his children's sake.   :'(
3
Many thanks for the tip.  I am taking all this good advice   :-*
4
Thankyou Rosie, it's great to have the support here.

Having studied a lot of family dynamics and psychology towards my own  healing from family of origin dysfunction, I am (quietly) empathic and intuitive to what is happening with DIL as I see her family style where control rules.  But it's clear she cannot question her own background.   She sees me as competition to her for control of my son.

After 15 years of this  I have done all I can and being tolerant of her problems.  Enough now! 

Like you, I am meditating and looking for peace for myself.
5
Thankyou Luise
6
Further, I am wondering if there is some sort of envy/jealousy at work here. Reading another posting I remembered how she was very helpful and so very patronising when I needed help with an injury requiring a hospital of a family member.  She jumped straight in and took control for which I am grateful.  However, she continued to treat me like a child and I felt ridiculous.  Could she be undermining in that sort of patronising behaviour to make herself look good against her perception of me as "better" - something I give her no reason to believe ?
7
For as long as I can remember it has been difficult to communicate with her.  When I first met her I said "Hello.....I am looking forward to being your friend"  Her answer was "I don't need you for a friend".
 
This woman comes from a narcissistic and very closed family which I recognise because I had a narcissistic mother and borderline father.  But I worked hard at healing because I would not play the games.  Years of therapy have given me insight into this.   I have brought up two very fine boys, one of whom is her husband and a gentle soul.  They have been married around 15 years.  I am 70 years old.

Her parents will not let her go and she is practising the same with our grand daughters.  I have basically accepted this for peace's sake.

My DIL and I have had a couple of serious rifts, by her making mostly, but I have apologised for it even so for my son's sake.  This time she has found a criticism I made about her and her family to one of my friends as I vented in frustration at more passive-aggressive stuff from her that has hurt me so often.  I am totally guilty and have declared my horror at what I have done.   I have invited her to come and tell me her feelings about me and am sincerely prepared to cop all that I deserve for being careless.  I can only accept who she is  as best case, regardless.

Her approach is "silent treatment" - typical narcissistic behaviour and passive agrresssive of course so I am waiting..waiting..

Is there anything else I can do ?