...because FDIL decided that she didn't want us to see the baby. Even went to the trouble of sending 21 texts which I didn't respond to. I've come to the conclusion that FDIL has some mental issues. DS agrees as well. The reason I feel this is because she is all over the place. This is the person who will text me how much she doesn't like me and a week later, ask me to pick something up for her since I'm "so good at finding things". This is the same FDIL who calls me when she has issues with DS...but sends me texts on how phony I am. Same FDIL who was coming over every weekend with DS and who called me to let me know what was going on with DS when he was in the hospital. She's also the same person who had no problem cashing our $1000 check just two days prior to the baby's birth, to cover the rent so she would have a place to bring the baby to. She's confusing to say the least.
So yesterday morning at 2:50 am she starting a series of 21 texts on how much she doesn't like me, how we will never be friends and how she doesn't want her daughter anywhere around me because I would tell the baby terrible things about her. I truly believe she would benefit from medication.
I didn't even respond. I simply texted DS that she sent more negative stuff and if we could still see the baby. We didn't hear from him until way later and he was truly upset. He sounded miserable and I honestly felt sorry for him. I told him that the most important thing was for him to keep peace in his home and enjoy his baby. I explained that while we were saddened that we are not allowed to see our first grandchild that we would be okay.
So I cried my little heart out and stayed in bed for the entire day. His younger brother, the only one he still gets along with, the one who DS has always soon love and admiration toward was angry with DS. Truly angry. He said he didn't care what FDIL has written, he wanted to see what his brother was going to do. When he learned that DS was not doing anything, he said that he's lost all respect for him. He even used some French to describe his feelings toward both of the. I didn't tell this to DS because I knew it would only futher upset him.
So, yesterday I mourned the grandchild I would never know. She's not dead, thank God. She's healthy and I'm sure she'll be happy. She just won't know us. Sad and difficult as it was it didn't kill me. I'm still here. And I still have many wonderful blessings!
Have a great day ladies!!!
TM, I'm sorry to hear that things have turned out this way. You're handling it well, IMO, leaving the door open and not adding to the drama. Take good care of your self during this time. I hope your DS steps up and turns things around. (((hugs)))
TM, I feel for you and for your DS. What a pickle he's gotten himself into. I think my son is in something similar but he actually married the woman thinking things would change after marriage. They do not! I'm disappointed in my son, too but I also understand the notion of 'leaving and cleaving' and it sounds like you do, too. I know that his first and foremost allegiance is to his wife so what are you gonna do? I'll cross my fingers that your DS won't marry this woman.
I keep thinking, is there any way at all you could change your phone number so these texts would end?
I also get the feeling that with these mood swings, your DIL will allow you to see the baby at some point, especially if you don't react to the yo-yo she's on. I know this is tough though. We're here with you.
I, too, am sorry that you are up against this, Muffin. It sounds like you are facing it, not denying how it hurts, and being realistic. Sending love...
Where there's love , there's hope Muffin .
Never say never , I was faced with similar when my GD was born , that I couldn't see her until I had made up with
FDIL . She changed personalities when the baby was born , so perhaps hormones have a lot to do with it .
Your DS won't know what planet he 's on , so keep him close , he needs you now .
My then FDIL convinced my DS that the baby was more her daughter than his , and he didnt have as much
rights as she ....!
Move forward two years and she is glad for anyone to take her now .
Take everything with a pinch of salt if you can , be careful what you say , as it could be used
against you .....
Who would be a MIL ...... :o
Thank you so much for the support. ;D Pen, as much as I wanted to respond to her text I knew it would be better to send nothing. I had already asked her nicely to not contact me again with negative texts. When I wrote to DS I told him that I was not going to respond to her and that she had been told this already. Pen, you are so right that anything I would have written would have added to the drama.
DOE, while I was writing this repsonse I got a call from DS. Yep, he knows he's in a pickle. He called me from therapy. He really sounds fed up. He apologized for her again. Even said that her mother said she was wrong for keeping the baby from us. We got an invitation to see her today, but I don't know how I feel about that. I was in a very bad place yesterday. I'm almost embarrassed about how low I let this get me. My son brought me food and told me I had to eat. I read the "I love you forever" book at least four times. My sweet FDIL even went and got me a card and wrote how much she loved me and to please cheer up. I was a mess. I don't want to give her that power again. I'm okay today. I don't want to lose another day like yesterday.
I don't know what to do!!!! Should we go?
Thanks for the love and support Luise....it means so much!
I vote yes. ;D
I'll second that Hormone notion. My DIL got progressively meaner and hostile toward me with every baby. This last one really sent her wacky-doodle. Keep the faith though.. she was able to keep the kids away from me for a year. It took my DS that long to get tired of seeing his mother hurt and excluded and put his foot down. They go along to get along at first, BUT the more time that goes by and the more unreasonable their wives are, they see things for what they really are. Right now she is top priority. He will work on getting his child to know you, because you are very important to him too. You are right to not make an issue of it and make him feel worse. Let him rectify the situation.
Thanks for the words of advice LL. I don't think it's her hormones. I think it's her insecuritiies. I believe that she feels if he's alienated from his family he'll never leave her. She wants him to be totally dependent on her. It's amazing you should say that your FDIL somehow made it seem as if she were more of a parent then him. My FDIL is doing the same thing. I feel like it's her baby and DS is just around. If he truly felt like an equal parent we would have been allowed to visit just as her mother is allowed to visit. Not sure if I've ever mentioned that my DS and her mother don't get along and he's not welcome in her home.
In FDIL 21 texts she made sure to point out that her mother could come see the baby whenever she wanted. DS said he saw some of her texts (she deleted some of the bad stuff, but he asked to see it and I sent it) and he was so upset that the ugliness that he punched a hole in the wall. He told her that she was making him ill and that it had to stop. We'll see what happens. I just don't want to get hurt. I can't control him, but I have some control over me.
I don't think FDIL will ever come around. Even if she did, her moods change like the tide. I don't trust letting myself care for her again. I only have two cheeks, thank you very much. She kicked both of them.
If you don't go you are completing the conflict circle, and giving her the power . Make her as irrelevant to your heart as you can, any conflict between DIL and DS's FOO obscures the problem, her. It's great that you are being supportive to your son, looks like he's going to need as the help he can get.
I think you should go, mostly because if you don't she'll see that acting like that means she gets her way. If your DS wants you to see your GD, then you should. You're supporting your son without buying into her drama, and he is going to take notice of that - that she is the one who put him in the middle, not you.
Thanks TMB....I am leaning toward going.
LOL, wacky-doodle...LOVED that. Made me laugh for the first time today. Sadly, my FDIL was wacky-doodle before the pregnancy hormones. She came in fighting and looks like she's going out that way. She had problems with me from the very beginning. I always told son that it saddened me that he would pick someone who was against his family. I told him that when you fall in love they are suppose to add to the family...In addition to...Not...instead of. He didn't listen. I think he wishes he had now. Not only is she trying to keep him from his family, he doesn't even have a relationship with her family. He's miserable.
Trying and New Mama....I'm going!!!! ;D For exactly the reasons you gave. And because I do want to see my grand daughter. If I don't go she'll use it against us and somehow make it that we didn't really care in the first place. Nope, we are going. Now to tell the hubby!
Thanks ladies...I truly adore you all. ;D
First, I'm very sorry and I know it hurts.
I'm going the opposite way. I vote no. I know you want to see the baby, but in my head, after all the ugly things that were said and no apologies....it's like telling her that was ok. Her on again, off again behavior is playing puppet master with you because of the baby. She is being mean but doesn't mind using you when it suits her purpose. I'm glad DS is in therapy to help him and I hope he steps up and says, "You'll not treat my family this way."
Ummm.....nevermind! Go and have a good time muffin!
I agree - go! Be your loving self to everyone you feel love toward and just be polite and respect of those you don't. How can you go wrong there? Yes, in imaginary universes you might be terribly wrong somehow but not in real life.
Let us know how it went!
Although, if you haven't gone yet -- I do agree with Pooh here. I would say no, as well. People like your FDIL scare me, for one thing. Another, I would put my foot down on how I am to be treated. Until I received an apology and saw true remorse, I would not be around your FDIL for anything. I'm not even sure I would want the baby to come to my home without FDIL, it might hurt more if she goes off again and you're not able to see her.
In short, I would wait until I was confident the situation was safe for me. That's just my take. I know this has to be difficult, TM.
I guess I think the only way to approach things like this is to focus on what you want most. If you want to support your son and see and love your grandchild, you need to go. believe me if you don't go it will be turned around that you are rejecting them.
BUT you have to totally detach emotionally from the DIL, because she will do her best to get a rise out of you so she can tell your DS that after she made this great concession YOU ruined it. You just have to work on tuning her out.
When I made these first visits , I was respectful , but all my attention went on the baby . Tough times but worth the angst to see your grandbaby .
I say ask your DS to bring the baby for a visit. That way, you have a nice, peaceful visit with your DS and his child, the FDIL can be left alone to get ahold of herself, and you don't have to suffer her rudeness.
Maya Angelou wrote "When people show you who they are, believe them."
Your FDIL has shown you who she is. Believe her.
The good news is that there is still an "F" in front of that DIL. Maybe they will NOT get married. Surely your DS realizes that they have too many problems to form a stable marriage at this point.
Have the baby visit you - and save your money to help your DS with legal fees for the custody and visitation case.
My prediction is that DS will NOT be allowed to bring the baby over to see GM... Nursing will be used as an excuse. My DIL didn't allow my DS to bring over the baby until he was weaned... even though she worked and pumped BM. But what the heck... one excuse is as good as another.. so I didn't get to see my YGS until he was 16 months old.
I guess I agree with the "go" group. Keep focused on the baby and your DS, and keep the visit brief. If DIL speaks to you, be respectful and polite. You don't want to give her any more ammunition to be used against you. Always be sure your son is right there so no stories or exaggerations can be told to him about what you said or what you did. Isn't it a crying shame that we moms of the man have to prepare like we are going into combat just to protect ourselves? It makes me furious.
That's a great analogy Lilly, prepare for going into combat is exactly what it feels like. I'm sure the DILs here with miserable MILs probably feel the same when they are visiting too.
Monroe, I love Maya Angelou!
I was told , 'We come as a unit or not at all !'
So now my GD is 2 and half years old , and last weekend my DS came with her , alone , for the first
time ...woohoo !As my DIL was away on a hen weekend , so progress has been made , took two years
but worth the wait .
I would really like to know what goes on in their minds , what makes us so offensive ?
Once my GD appeared , I was enemy number one !
now it's ,' You can have her anytime ' ......
I once started a thread entitled ''Is it me ?'' , this still holds true .....lol
I will never fathom it out .
Anyway Muffin do go , just to make them aware of your existence , and that you intend being
in your GC's life . Enjoy that baby .... :-)
LL, we probably won't know what goes through each mind, since everyone is different. I've said it before, but we had plans on MIL not seeing our future baby until we are ready due to her behaviors towards us each visit and what we've witnessed at several family members births. I'm sure she would think we were crazy to not let her see the baby, but it was for our peace of mind and stress levels.
And actually, we were advised to keep troublesome family members away from our adopted child until she feels safe and trusts DH and I. So maybe not quite the same but when we bring little girl home, MIL is not on the list to visit anytime soon or meet little girl. Heck, no one is on the list just because we won't know how little girl is until we bring her here.
Anyway, thinking more on this last night, TheMuffin. How did it go???
Oops ! Sorry about the waste of space ,.no idea how that happened :(
I have mentioned before that my eldest DS thought I was the wicked witch of the North, South, East and West...and my youngest DS, our Webmaster, thinks I'm the greatest mom around.
When my first grandchild was born...to my eldest DS...it was a home birth by choice. I am a R.N. so I ofered any help they might need but they had my youngest DS, then 16 years old, come down and stay with their new born so they could both get some much needed sleep after the birth. I was not allowed because, "You have such negative vibes it would damage the baby."
Same mom...two DSs.
Same thing here. Got OS that hasn't even told us about the prenancy, so doubtful I'll ever see that little one and YS that encouraged pregnant FDIL to move in with us and involving us with everything....who will ever know.
We won't, Pooh...that's for sure! Back to the old - Don't try to make sense of the senseless - addage, I guess. :(
Yep. It truly is useless to try and figure out what others are thinking if they have no desire to communicate. I have better things to do with my time and energy ;D
Muffin, I have a lot of sympathy for your position. It's terrible to wonder when you'll see your granddaughter next.
Still, I would caution you not to "tattle" on FDIL to DS, like you just did with the text messages. There are a few reasons:
1. It's not good for your son. You've mentioned before that he has anger management problems. He's under a lot of stress with a new baby, and he's already seeing a therapist. His relationship with FDIL sounds rocky already. You don't have to feed this fire. (I'm actually afraid of reading a post in the future that says something like, "My DS finally snapped and hit FDIL. She left and got a restraining order. Now the women's shelter won't let me see the baby at all.")
2. It's not good for your son. He seems to be setting up a dynamic where he's the poor victim in the middle, torn between two harpies. You know that he's telling you that he sympathizes with you - is it possible that he's telling her what she wants to hear, too? (My own son tried this, and it worked for years. I thought DIL was bullying him, and she thought we were bullying him. But in the end, being a perpetual victim wasn't helping him grow up and be an adult.)
3. It's not good for you. There's some short-term satisfaction in telling your son how awful she is, and having him validate your feelings. But meanwhile, you're spending your one and only life planning what you're going to tell DS, how best to phrase it for maximum impact, anticipating FDIL's reaction, ducking her responses, and just basically rehashing everything. Ruminating about this conflict will only leave you depressed.
Please consider this course of action instead:
Give your son some breathing room. Don't talk about FDIL to him. Don't pressure him for more time with the baby. Keep your conversations upbeat and cheerful. (Remember that he has a therapist to discuss these issues with already.)
If he brings up issues with FDIL and family, kindly but firmly tell him that you think it's inappropriate for him to involve you in his relationship with them. If he needs something concrete from you, like rent money or a place to stay, he can ask. But you aren't going to pick apart their flaws with him any more.
As for FDIL, don't give her the response she's looking for. Take yourself out of this fight. Don't respond to her texts. Don't pick up when she calls. Don't tell DS what she's up to. Just ignore her.
I know this sounds cruel to your son - depriving him of your emotional support. Maybe it feels like capitulation, but it's not. Your son has to make some decisions about what kind of partner, father, and son he wants to be. Your need for reassurance from him - the waffling about seeing the baby at the hospital, the weeping, the texts to tell him how FDIL is being mean to you - all of that is a big distraction from the work he needs to do on himself.
Internet hugs for you - I know this isn't easy. I wish you the best.
WHOA Ladies!!!!! :o :o :o It was unbelievable!!! OMG.
So hubby and I arrive and we call son first. We didn't even venture to ring the doorbell. He came down and got us. He walked into the apartment first and we followed. FDIL was sitting in a rocker with her back to us. I peered over her shoulder and saw that the little one was sleeping. Well, my heart just melted. This is only the second time I've ever seen here and the first time seeing her in her baby tee shirt. She was amazing to behold. I said to Hubby, "Oh, the little one is sleeping." I asked darling son if she just went to sleep, he replied yes. I didn't even consider holding her while she was sleeping in her mother's arms. DS asked us to sit and I did. He went toward the baby and she gave her to him. He handed me the baby. I didn't decline this time. She stayed sleeping, making little facing and squirming a lot. I held her for a while and then passed her to hubby because I wanted to take pictures. Well, he sat there glazing at her and chuckling when she made her baby faces. She opened her eyes a few times. I took pictures and touched her legs, her feet, her tiny hands....All the while FDIL appears to be texting. DS is sitting across from her. They exchange a few facial expressions.......without warning about 15 or 20 minutes into the visit she jumps up and screams at him.
"I can't believe you aren't going to say something!!!! They walk into my house and they don't even speak to me????!!!! Who does that???" Well, she does. I always speak to her first when she comes to my home, but that besides the point. Truth is after the 21 nasty text, being constantly told how phoney I am, I did not utter a greeting. In hindsight I should have, but I don't think it was that serious. This is the same person who didn't even thank us for the $1000 rent check.
She grabbed the baby from my husband, stormed into their bedroom and very loudly told DS she wanted us to get out of her house now!!!! We got up to depart. DS looked appalled and said it was his house too and to please stay. We told him that we felt it best to leave and we left.
We were in the car and had begun to drive away when DS chased us down and asked that we return. He said he wanted to squash this now and that he couldn't go on like this. We reluntantly went back and DS said that we were all going to end this now. FDIL apologized to my hubby, (it's me she hates). She ranted and raved about how terrible I am. How I try to control DS, how I'm rude and disrespectful, how I am sacrastic and phoney. You name it, I'm the scum of the earth. She couldn't name anything specific, but it was how I made her feel. She felt like I made DS lie to me which makes her life hard. DS said to blame him because I didn't know he was telling me lies. We rarely talk so I don't know what lies she was talking about but she did make him admit that her mother has been by to see the baby everyday and can come whenever she wants. DS had said only once, on the day she came home. He admited that he sometimes tells me lies so I won't feel hurt. I actually thought that was sweet. DS told her to say her peace because we needed to end this because it was making him sick. That's when she told him he could get the out. He insisted that we were going to talk. We let her speak first. I didn't say a word.
DH spoke next. The first thing he did was say she was right. We should have spoken when we entered her home. He apologized and said we were wrong to do that. Then he said that his grand daughter was in the room and this needed to stop. He said other things, but this post would be too long to list everything.
Finally, I was asked to speak. I didn't want to say anything. I've tried defending myself in the past and it's never helped. I was brief. I told her that she came in fighting and she's still fighting. I told her that she has a hatred toward me that I don't understand. I said that I've tried my best to be nice to her. I asked her if being nice means you have to be phony? I mentioned the money. I did address not speaking to her. I told her that she had sent me 21 nasty text and I don't know how to approach her. I admitted that I didn't speak, but I said that I thought you would respect more instead of me being phoney and acting like nothing ever happened. She actually seemed to understand that.
She kept saying that we were never going to be close, or friends. When it was my turn I told her that I don't want to be her friend. She seemed shocked. Somehow I think she believed I wanted to be her BFF.
Anyhoo...she and DS are not doing well. I gave them the family speech about not letting outside forces destroy them and their beautiful new family. I told them to remember they love each other and to work it out. I ended it with "Family is the most important thing in the world. Work it out." I said more that that the the most important stuff.
We left. DS called later to check on me. He told me that they were going to seperate for a while. I advised against that.
Well, that's it in a nutshell.
Thanks for all the comments ladies. I'll respond to them in a little while.
HUgs
Yeow!
I admire your son for taking action - now it's all out on the table, My only advice is to stop giving advice at this point. Take a cue from Luise's Kirk's "I'm listening and I'm tracking."
Glad you got the time with the baby.
I gottta' tell you, M, I'm amazed and impressed at how you survived that one! Good for you!
And just a reminder that if we can figure out what "blinking and blink" stand for, it's a no-pass. I have removed them. The only way I have figured out how to deal with language issues is to not go there...otherwise, where do we draw the line? It's in the Forum Agreement that everyone is required to read and agree to. Thanks.
Muffin,
If they're at the point of separation, you need to be extra careful about not being one of the "outside forces tearing their family apart." If they stay together, FDIL will remember anything you do. If they separate, DS will probably find it easier to blame you and her than to examine his own behavior.
Please don't try to be DS's ally against FDIL. Just keep repeating, kindly and firmly, that you find it inappropriate to discuss their personal relationship or separation.
Also, please try not to involve YS and his partner, or your MIL, in your fight with FDIL. I know that you reach out to them for reassurance that they still love you and you're right. But this isn't their battle. To outsiders (like DS's therapist or FDIL's lawyer) it's going to look a lot like you're trying to turn the whole family against poor little FDIL. This may affect how much you see your granddaughter later.
Worse yet, you may poison your sons' relationship with each other for the rest of their lives. YS already has no respect for DS. DS will probably come to believe that YS is an opportunist who took advantage of his problems to cement his position as favorite child.
Just take a deep breath and step out of DS's relationship problems. Repeat to yourself, "He's an adult. He will be able to deal with it."
Best wishes!
M., Quoting Kirk again, (he's a licnesed counselor), "Hold him able."
Wow, TM! At least some things are out in the open now.
I'm not a huge fan of your FDIL/DS and how they've treated you since you've posted here. I do think you're right that things may be off with FDIL (21 texts???) and DS admitted to lying to you....but I've got to say, Karenna made some really good points in her post above me. The way it played out in when the baby was born (I didn't see the thread until after it closed) and YS/MIL being involved/upset upset on your behalf probably will look to outsiders that you have a big part in all of this too.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and most definitely I think you deserve an apology for the 21 texts -- but some things on your end don't look too good either. KWIM?
First my sincerest apologies to Luise and all the other wise ladies. Sorry about the language. I used poor judgement in trying to relate how verbally abusive she was toward us.
As always you ladies are wise. I would never say anything against FDIL to DS. I think that my netural position has helped us reach the place we are today. In fact, I've tried to convince them that family is important and they should work it out. That wasn't a ploy, I really mean that. There is a baby involved and she deserves two, loving parents. Now it may not work, but they owe it to themselves and that baby to try.
I'm on my IPhone and it too hard to write all I want to wrote. Will write more as soon as o get to a computer.
Thanks for all the wisdom.
Oh Dear Muffin ....
I really feel for you , I would hate to be in the middle of all that family trauma .
I hope they can work things out .
Time to step back and hope for the best .
Not to worry, M. Look and see when you say things like "they should" and "they owe it to themselves to try." It is their issue to resolve, if they do, and to learn from, if they do. You had /have your marriage and your issues and these are theirs. Nothing to my way of thinking is any harder to get and to implement. Simple but not easy. Sending love...
Well dang. Although I think it's good that everyone got to say their peace, I hate the visit turned out that way.
I agree that their relationship is their's to manage, and it's very wise that you left, but I do think it was very nice of DS to ask you to stay to talk things out, to chase you down and ask you to return and then to also call and check on you later. It sounds like DS has some personal work to do on himself, but he is still showing his parents are important to him. How many of us, me included, have said we wish our DS's would step up for his family at certain times and try to work things out.
I'm glad you got to see the baby. I hope things improve. Is it possible that DIL's mental issues are actually mental illness? Doesn't make it a whole lot more palatable to deal with, but it can be comforting to know that it's nothing you've done and there is certain freedom in knowing that you simply can't solve a particular problem.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that the situation improves for everyone - especially that little bundle of joy.
Oh My! I'm so sorry it turned out this way for you Muffin. How horrible that what should have been the happiest day seeing your first GD be tainted in this manner. My heart goes out to you. I think you handled it wonderfully though.. kudos to you.
I'm just thinking of the stress for the poor baby.
Karenna: You stated this well and I agree.
M: It sounds like a lot of drama that would be best served by stepping away, refrain from counting who does what and how much (21 texts comes to mind). Rise above it all.
Good Morning Ladies,
Sorry I was MIA. One of my furbabies is ill and I didn't even get on the computer yesterday. :( I just re-read the responses I got prior to going to visit. It just really amazes and saddens me that so many of us can relate to these issues.
I also re-read my post and I saw that I wrote we did mention the money. Acutally, we didn't mention the money. We could have countered her "you didn't say hello" with a "you didn't even utter a word of thanks for paying your rent", but we didn't. I purposely didn't for two reasons. #1 I didn't want to throw it up in DS's face that we gave him money. I don't like when people do something for you and then constantly tell you about it. I think saying something would have discouraged DS from every asking for help again. #2, everyone present already knew, even FDIL. I think it made us seem more mature and resonable.
Doe, I'm glad I went. You wrote be polite and respectful, and perhaps we weren't respectful by not saying hello. Although if I had known she would use that as an excuse to blow up, I would have said something. It sounds like we entered rudely, but it really did not go that way. She just wanted a reason and I'm actually glad it turned out that way because we all talked later.
Pam1, my FDIL scares me too. She also scares my mother. My mom actually thinks she's dangerous. You've no idea how much I don't want to be around her. But the funniest thing is that she kept saying that we were never going to be close, never going to be friends. I have no idea why she seems to think I'm so desperate to be her friend. I know that when we were on pleasant terms I told her that I always imagined I would be close to my son's wives and that they would become the daughters I never had. At one time I had that hope for her, but it's long gone now. When I told her I didn't want to be her friend, she was shocked! And I don't want to be her friend, but I do want to know my GD. So I will be as respectful and cordial to FDIL as I have to be. It's like taking Buckley's cough syrup. It's awful going down, but the end result is worth it.
Tryingmybest, Spot on!!! What you wrote was exactly what I was thinking, and exactly what happened!
LL- I feel a bit of guilt when I read the post that contain respectful. It was not respectful not to speak to her. Although it wasn't as rude as it sounds, and FDIL didn't need to react as badly as she did. It is true that we should have uttered a greeting. However, I still think she would have found something else to blow up about. I believe that she understood when both hubby and I tried to explain why we didn't go out of our way to say hello. It's not like we walked right past her, or looked in her face and ignored her. We just instantly doted on the baby.
Lillycache, I do believe that DS will be allowed to bring GD over in the future since our talk. FDIL had said she couldn't come because of a picture I had of DS and his prom date from HS. When FDIL moved in for a year I put it away. After the big blow up and when they moved out, I put it back. The picture is beautiful and one of my favorites of DS. FDIL rarely visits and she treats me badly, so I didn't see any reason not to display my picture in my home. It was in my guestroom. FDIL apparently had an issue that I knew nothing about because GD being allowed to visit me at my home is contingent to my agreeing to getting rid of the picture. I agreed. We'll see what happens.
So sorry you didn't get to see your YGS until he was 16 months. That's so sad that you missed so much. It is a crying shame that we have to go into combat to remain parents and grandparents. If it were up to FDIL not only wouldn't I see GD but I wouldn't see DS either. She resents our relationship. I don't understand why because although it's better, it still nothing to be jealous of. DS and I keep in touch but we aren't buddies.
I love that Maya Angelou guote. It's true that FDIL has shown me who she is. But a part of me understands how she got that way. When we were pleasant and used to talk she told me some very sad stories about the adults in her life, including both parents. I think she just has a dislike for adutls and thinks that most are terrible people who just hurt and let you down. Those who don't, those who are nice...Well, they're phoney.
I don't know what's going to happen with FDIL and DS. As much as I dislike her I don't want them to split. I don't want them to stay in a unhappy relationship either. I just hope they can truly resolve their issues, be happy and remain a family. I know that that may not happen.
Pooh, Isn't it something to think of your child's home as hostile territory? We were a bit uncomfortable but we were not prepared for the attack. Never in my life have I been thrown out of anywhere! DH said that he wanted to tell her to get out and the the place was ours for the rest of the month, LOL.
Luise, I'm so thankful that I have three DS. When DS and I had our issues it had me scratching my head wondering if I may have forgotten how terrible I must have been to make him treat me like that. I thought I was pretty darn good! Thankfully the other two validated my feelings and told that I was pretty darn good and that they believed the issues were simply DS's issues. I'm grateful you have youngest DS, our webmaster ;D, to make you feel like the greatest mom we all know you are!
Pooh...Ouch...I know that hurts Although, I was allowed to know about the pregnancy saw sonogram picutures, and have pretty much been kept in the loop, I still doubt that I'll have a true grandma relationship with this baby. YS and FDIL told me first! They already live with us with my soon to be 1 year old grand daughter. I know I will be involved with everything, even present at delivery. One baby cannot replace another, but how blessed are we that we will still get to be grandmas! ;D
So, I haven't called or texted DS since that night. I dont want to smother him. DH said that we will not be going over for another visit. I think that's the right thing for right now. Or course, if we're invited we would be go, but we certainly won't be asking. I don't think we have any worries because I don't feel like we'll be getting an invitation any time soon. And you know what??? I'm okay with that.
I checked DS facebook page Tuesday and saw that FDIL was completely removed.
Oh well, better get to work.
Hugs
Hi Begonia,
You are right about the baby. She's only 11 days old, but babies can pick up on bad vibes. A angry, hosile mother does not give off he same warmth and love in her eyes as a loving, peaceful mother. Angry parents who are yelling at each other is also not conducive to rasing a loving and peaceful baby. Which is exactly why I told both FDIL and DS during our talk that they shouldn't allow outside parties, not me or my husband, or her mom and her mom's husband, cause conflict in their relationship. I told her that I've been with my husband for 30 years and at the end of the day we're still going to be together and I hoped the same for her mom and husband. I said if all of this fighting is over the inlaws than take a break from us and save your family.
I would rather step back if it would allow them all to be happy, than force my way into a home and be a part of its destruction. My GC doesn't deserve that.
I have stepped away from FDIL, she just won't leave me alone. She's a bully looking for a fight. I think it's all she knows.
Muffin, sorry for the late response, I'm behind on everything because of computer problems.
Wow....what a trying set of circumstances, It think what you are doing by pulling back from your FDIL is smart and I hope that things settle down one way or another in the near future.
KG
Thanks Keysgirls- DS called me a little while ago. He had a question about medication and wanted me to research it. I asked him how he was and how was FDIL and baby. He said they were fine but the baby was "cluster feeding". Never heard of it but did a little resarch. Means she's wanted to eat all the time and is fussy. It's perfectly normal, but very frustrating. I hope that he and FDIL are working together to keep each other sane.
Thanks again.
Thinking of you, Muffin. I hope everything calms down soon. Take care :)
Thanks Pen. ;D Me too!!! I just want us all to be happy! All of us...even FDIL.
Sooo sorry. Going through kind of the same thing. Isn't it a shame there is so much jealousy that they are too selfish to even think about who they are tryly hurting? The children deprived of grandma.
EN - Welcome aboard. I hope you find this community helpful.
Thank you Enorton. I'm sorry that you are going thru something similar. They don't understand who that they are hurting the children as well as us. Let's hope that time will help. Hugs
Hi Muffin,
It is good that you are still communicating with your DS. Just concentrate on that and keep on keeping on.
Thanks Beth, I agree. Although my DS have said and shown that he wants his FOO in his life and his DD's life, DH and I have decided to do just what you said....Keep on keeping on. We feel that tryng to be involved in his life and the the baby's right now would be destructive to his relationship with FDIL. FDIL seems to think that I have some kind of powerful control over DS. I only text DS twice a month just to check on him and let him know I love him. Sometimes he calls me for various reasons, but we are in no way close enough for FDIL to feel I'm powerful or threatened by our relationship.
In her defense DS led her to believe that I was this doting, over protective mother who loved him so much that I have a hard time letting him go.
Quote from: themuffin on July 06, 2012, 06:31:34 AM
Thanks Beth, I agree. Although my DS have said and shown that he wants his FOO in his life and his DD's life, DH and I have decided to do just what you said....Keep on keeping on. We feel that tryng to be involved in his life and the the baby's right now would be destructive to his relationship with FDIL. FDIL seems to think that I have some kind of powerful control over DS. I only text DS twice a month just to check on him and let him know I love him. Sometimes he calls me for various reasons, but we are in no way close enough for FDIL to feel I'm powerful or threatened by our relationship.
In her defense DS led her to believe that I was this doting, over protective mother who loved him so much that I have a hard time letting him go.
Yes.. you have to wonder what part our DSs have played in our DILs perception of us. What cockamaymee stories have been told over pillow talk. I know that my DIL resented my DS calling me for any advise or opinions. I know this because I could here her in the background. I also know that by her own admission, she talks to her mother once or sometimes twice a day. I have no idea why what she does is normal and acceptable and what my DS does.. or did, was abnormal. But like what Louise often says... you can't make sense out of nonsense.. or something like that..
:) LOL Lillycache! ;D That is so true!!! My DS has told quite a few cockamaymee stories. I think he told them to be able to get to the point of pillow talk, if you know what mean. Once he got started he just couldn't stop. And believe you me, DS has told some doozies about me, my DH and his, what I know to be dysfunctional, family! :o
FDIl has quite a few stories as well, so I imgaine that DS thought he was comforting her by telling a few of his own....even if he had to make them up.